I Grew Up This Week

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I grew up this week.


There are few moments in life that change you. That truly transform you. Shake you into existence. Illuminate what is actually important in life and where your priorities should be.

And this past week, I had my first real life altering experience.

My mom had a stroke.

I thought that going through severe anorexia and a year-long  ulcerative colitis flare changed me, but honestly, I have never before had to grow up so fast in my life.

The time after the event was a blur. The dim glow of a lone florescent overhead in a sterile hospital room at 2:30am is disorienting in itself. But under the current circumstances, I found myself calling on the motto my mother had always instilled in me from day one of my own recovery: Just do the next right thing. 

And so I did just that. Watching my mother sleep, I didn’t know if I was more scared that she wouldn’t wake up, or what she would be like if she did. So I turned to a source of comfort – writing…to Jesus.

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And I’ve decided to share what I wrote that night…

I’m writing right now because writing is all I can do.

My mind is in five hundred different places and I need to talk or scream or cry or punch something, but I just can’t. Not today. Not here. Not now.

So I sit. Listening to Indian flute radio on Pandora and pray.

Last night my mom had a stroke.

And by the grace of God, I was here at home and not in NYC.

I’m sitting here, curled up in my big puffy coat and watching my mom sleep in her hospital bed. And I’m helpless. I cannot give her back the memories that she’s lost. I can’t give her back the Rolodex of faces in her mind that she no longer recognizes.

I mourn for the loss of her memories of who I am and what we went through and the joy we have shared. I mourn for the loss of the mother I once knew.

And so all I can do is pray. And since I don’t have the words or the energy for anything else, that’s just what I’ll do.

Lord Jesus,

I come before you tonight and I’m collapsing into your arms scared and worried and devastated about my mother’s stroke.

And I place her into your arms, Lord. Protect her. Heal her. Restore her. Bring back the woman that was full of life and vibrancy and a joy for life.

Lord I ask you also to be with my father. He is a pillar of strength, but he needs support too. Wrap him in your firm embrace and uphold his worried heart.

Jesus, there is peace that only you can bring, and I am calling on you Lord for just that. You, who rose from the grave, are capable of miracles, and I am praying that your will be done. But if that were to include the complete and total restoration and healing of my mother, that would be great.

Keep us close to you, Jesus, in this hour of great worry and fear. And move in her mind and body to restore your fierce warrior -your faithful and on-fire servant. She has given her life to sharing Your goodness, now if it be your will, I pray you pour out your saving and healing power over her.

Anyway Lord, thank you for protecting her and keeping her alive after the episode. I am beyond grateful for the second chance you have given her in the fact that she is alive and talking at all. Your mercy truly reigns.

I love you Lord.

Amen

My mom has come a long way since then. A long way. It is hard to believe that it has only been two weeks since we almost lost her. She’s conversing, laughing, dancing.

She’s physically 100%, but still having some memory and word recall difficulties. But we are very hopeful for a full recovery.

When something like this happens, certain things become very clear. Very fast.

You find out real quick what is truly important in life: Your Family. Your Loved Ones. And God. Everything else can wait. Acting careers. New Year’s Eve parties. your own needs, really. None of it matters when you’re faced with life or death.

And that is precisely why I’m moving home. Temporarily. To help my best friend during this critical period in her recovery.

This woman is my life blood, and I’m going to be there for her, just as she has been there for me my entire life.

And there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.

This is an anonymous blog, which, obviously, allows me to share this and other personal details about my life. So I ask that if you know me in real life, please do not share this information about my mother. She will share with people when she’s ready. And I thank you for respecting that.

Every day, I’m learning so much. Especially about prayer. But also about God. About Grace. And Courage. And I’m really looking forward to sharing those things with you over the next few weeks or months…or, who knows.

God does.

He’s got her. And in addition to “Doing the next right thing,” I’m also going to call upon my new motto as of Tuesday at 8pm…Jesus, I trust in You. 

Oh, and one last thing…thank you for the outpouring of love, support and prayers these last few days. I know that her tremendous progress thus far is in part thanks to you incredible prayer warriors. Thank you with all my heart.

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

643 thoughts on “I Grew Up This Week”

  2. I thought about working in the hospice. Is it fair to ask God for one more day? God gave breath, isn’t it our job to appreciate that and find our way back? I just, might not be that close to Him to ask for favors. I’m happy your mom is okay.

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      1. I have carried what’s left of my friends home to their loved ones. I have watched new hearts go into old men and then they light cigarettes while I, just got healthcare this year. I have watched, and waited, and hugged, and gotten coffee for the dying that have had many more chances than I’ve ever received. Somehow, that’s fair. It is fair because God only gave us breath and we created poverty.

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  4. You are extraordinary. I join the others here in a circle of prayer for understanding of God’s will and healing for your mother. I pray, too, that his hand will guide you and comfort you in these next several months.

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  6. I’m so sorry to hear about your mom! At least you were there when it happened instead of getting the news while in NY. I’m super close with my mom too and can’t imagine how difficult it is for you. I’m glad to hear that you mom is doing better. May God bless her with a speedy recovery. Sending prayers to you and your family. 🙂

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    1. thank you so much for your prayers. I am grateful with all my heart. truly. I know — it was a blessing that I was here, and WITH HER when it happened. I don’t know what I would have done had I not been here. Thanks again. xox

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  8. I am inspired by your courage to share such a vulnerable part of your life. I pray for a complete healing on your mother’s behalf. It’s Already Done!!!!!

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  11. HI bbb, I will join your voice in prayer for your mom and you. Growing happens in spurts and in the slow long run too. Glad you are writing things down. You will see the hand of God as you walk with Him. Keep Christmas and Easter in your Heart and mind. These are the gifts that can endure in all life has to offer. Be of good courage as you navigate your way through this tough time.
    your servant,
    denny

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Amazing post. Will pray for your mother. I can relate a little as my own mother suffered from a diagnosis we were all shocked by recently. She will head to surgery next week. Doing the next right thing, I liked that, it is what living life wisely I think. Oh, and thanks for all the likes, they encouraged me this week.

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    1. Thank you so much Nathan. I am grateful for the prayers. I’m so sorry to hear about your mother. I will keep her and you and your family in my prayers. Especially next week. Hang in there. Hugs and love xox

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  13. Love and prayers to you and your family! I hope your mom continues to improve. Just by you so eloquently sharing your feelings, I am positive you have helped others who are dealing with difficult situations.

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  14. So sorry to hear about your mom’s stroke. Glad to hear she is progressing well. Your heartfelt writing and prayer was beautiful the way you put your trust in the Lord to bring strength and healing to your mom and your family. My prayers are with you.
    Dwight

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  15. What a wonderful daughter you are! Thank you for sharing this and for sharing what you wrote to Jesus. So special and real. He’s the One we need in times like that. You worded it perfectly. Blessings and healing to your mother. And from experience I can tell you that you will never, never, ever regret the time you’re spending with her now. But you already know that. ♥

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  19. Thank you for sharing, Caralyn. Tears welled up as you said, “You find out real quick what is truly important in life: Your Family. Your Loved Ones. And God. Everything else can wait. Acting careers. New Year’s Eve parties. your own needs, really. None of it matters when you’re faced with life or death.”
    I am praying for you and your family. Truly. I pray Jesus helps me, and His other Children who read here, to be the best supporters and friends of you during this time. You are dearly Loved by Him, and by me (and so many others!) ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Prayers and support for you and your mom. Doing the “next right thing” is what works, and I’m sure you will continue to do that. I am hoping for healing for your mom, and for all of you.

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  21. May peace and love keep you and your mother.

    I have dealt with body image issues all of my life. I oddly enough have Crohns. There are studies that link eating disorders and autoimmune illnesses. My GI says I am a binge eater. I think well yeah you go months without eating!

    Thank you for the follow. I look forward to reading more of your story.
    And thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Another overlap is my mother suffered a major health issue back in September. We aren’t close, but I had to grow up at 40 yo. I realized that no matter our struggles she is still my Mother and I love her with the only true love I think there is and that is the love from child to parent. Hugsya.

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  25. Thank you so much for sharing this… I know that God will bless your steps as you serve Him through serving your mom. And by God’s grace, she will recover, and your whole family will become stronger through this.

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  26. Sorry to hear about the rough situation, glad to hear things are improving and to see your outlook through the whole thing. I’ve enjoyed reading some of your posts, keep it up!

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Ameeen! Healing is already hers by the Blood of Jesus Christ. Thank you for sharing this intimate post with us. It’s 4:20am here and your faith and rawness has helped even if it wasn’t the goal.

    Will continue to pray for you

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    1. Thank you so much for this kind comment. Yes! God is good and I am so grateful for the healing He’s facilitating! yikes, that’s late! ((or early??)) I’m glad this hit home with you. Thanks again for your prayers and support. hugs xx

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  29. Thankful to hear that she is on the road to recovery! I hope that while you work hard and support your mother back home, you also find time to enjoy yourself. Prayers and blessings C 🙂

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  30. Praying with you–for your mom’s recovery, and for your own well-being as you support her during this time. You’re absolutely right, HE’s got her. and He’s got you, too. Thank you, LORD, for your sovereignty and faithfulness.

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  31. I pray for a speedy recovery for your mom.For the peace of God to overshadow your mom,dad,yourself and everybody around you.You did the right thing,going to stay with your mom as she recovers.That’s being responsible and honering her.

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  35. I wish your mom speedy recovery my father had stroke in 2014 because of which he suffered from paralysis and i eventually lost him in april 2016 so i know what you must be going through take good care of yourself and your family.

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  36. Praying for your mom’s complete recovery dear Caralyn. I praise God for the courage He has given you. May our Lord keep you and all of your family members close to His Sacred Heart in these trying times.

    Much love,
    Carol

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  37. My Daddy had a stroke 3 days after moving close to me from far away. I understand the emotional roller coaster, the stress. I too dropped everything to be his caretaker. It is humbling and contemplative and weepy and here is my unsolicited advice lol Smile with her as often as possible, Pray and cling to God and read your Bible as often as you can because that will restrengthen you when depleted. I will pray because I know this well and I walked this lonely journey also but you are never not u derstood and never ever without God who holds you every time you ask Him to. Love you, beautiful! Chin up! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Tonya, oh gosh I am sorry to hear that about your father. you’re right it is an emotional rollercoaster for sure. Oh that is such great advice. I will definitely do that. yeah we’re loving our dance parties 🙂 thank you so much for your prayers. god is good. thanks again my friend. hugs xox

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  38. I’ve realised we have life-changing moments every day. Some are much, much bigger than others.

    My first was at 12 years old when my brother was killed in a road accident. In the 30+ years since then others include the first time I got my heart broken (and every time since), getting an amazing job, getting engaged the first time, my fiancee leaving me, getting engaged the second time, getting married.

    But the two biggest game-changers for me were in 1999. In May, my dad – who was my best friend – collapsed with a “headache” that turned out to be a cancer bigger than my fist (and I have big hands), which we were told was cancer. A very aggressive type. My whole world collapsed three months later when he died at the age of just 56. Nothing can prepare you for these events. No amount of Faith or “life experience” truly prepares you.

    The second was waking up after my fourth (yes, fourth) suicide attempt in 2000 with the beyond certain knowledge that I had lived because God has work for me to do. Depression that deep – no matter what your wake-up – takes time to fully heal and even 16 years later I still have times of real depression in a way only people who have survived mental illness can comprehend. I could retire if I had a penny for every person who’s said “don’t be depressed” when they ask me how I am.

    We were not designed to deal with this kind of shock. When God expelled Adam from Eden He didn’t do it with a re-design of the mind. But He did promise through the thousands of years since then repeatedly that He would be with us every step of the way.

    It’s not “chance” or “coincidence” that you were at home when your mum was taken ill. God does not cause these things (sicknesses) to happen – if anyone ever finds a New Testament example of Jesus telling someone they still need to learn something, it’s not the right timing or actually making someone sick then I’ll consider changing this point of view, but in 30 years as a Christian I’ve never found one. There’s a difference between God knowing what is going to happen, and God causing it.

    Death – and all illness is a type of death – was never part of His design for us. His name is “I AM the Lord who Heals You” (Exodus 15:26). Part of that healing is making sure we are where we need to be. In your case, it was close to your mum when she was taken ill. It was close to your mum when you were walking your survival road. Both are life-changing events. One may be sudden while the other seems lengthy, but 100,000 years from now, both will feel like the blink of an eye in light of eternity.

    My prayers are with you and your family at this time. This is NOT part of God’s “plan” for you, and don’t let that thought in. If you have a God that does this kind of thing, there’s no need for an enemy. The stereotypical “By His Stripes” bit has been done to death and sounds meaningless as a result, but that is a tactic. Make it “familiar” and it loses it’s power. So: Your mum’s healing – IN THIS WORLD – has been bought by Jesus. What He went through paid the price for sickness, and I believe with all my heart that she can be fully restored.

    Don’t give in to fear. Not even a little tiny bit. Your writing always indicates you are submitted to God and your strength shines through. Don’t forget that when you pray – actually when we all pray – submitting to God is the first step. Then resist the devil – whether he presents with fear, doubt, more illness or anything – and then watch him flee FROM YOU. Yes, it’s the power of God he’s fleeing from, but it’s YOU holding that power.

    Churchill once gave a speech that consisted of seven words: “Never give up! Never give up! Never!” I forget the time and place for the quote but I’ve read it many times in many places, and it resounds throughout the Bible.

    Never give up.

    I don’t say this lightly or without meaning it: I’m praying for you.

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    1. Hi David, wow I am humbled and touched by your heartfelt response. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother and father. That breaks my heart. It sounds like you have been through a lot, and all I know is that I am so grateful to God to have you in my life and that you’re here, sharing with others the goodness of God. Because you’re right. He IS good and I am clinging to Him during these times when I do not understand. Amen. Never give up. I am truly grateful for your prayers and for your courage to share your story. It has really impacted me as I am waking up this morning. Big hugs to you my friend xox

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      1. This friendship certainly counts as one of the most unorthodox ones I’ve ever had, but writing to you on this medium and chatting like this feels like I’ve known you a lifetime.

        I know people who have had lives that make mine look like a walk in a park, and are the most joyful people I know. I know others who get a hang-nail and think their life is over. It’s all about perspective – and I’m talking about Christian friends here, not non-Christians!

        Tony Campolo – who I don’t agree with on everything but have tremendous respect for – gave a talk in England in 1990 where he said repeatedly “God is Good – All the Time”, to which we responded spontaneously “All the time, God is Good!” There’s something about a group of 1500 people having the same thought at the same moment that gets to you and becomes a part of you – it would be one of my major impact moments.

        He said in the talk he’d asked his class how long they had lived. All of them answered with their age. Then he refined the question by explaining this story: The first time he visited the World Trade Centre he took the elevator to the roof and stood, holding the railings, on the observation deck. He looked out over the Hudson and something imprinted itself on his soul. It became a moment that he will carry forever. For that moment he saw the city, and more, he saw God’s creation surrounding it like it was nestled in the palm of His hand. He could close his eyes and see it again, taste the air, recall the smells and the sounds as clearly as if he were right there at that instant. At THAT moment he was fully alive, connected to God in the most intimate way for a few minutes. With that as the definition he asked the class again and their answers changed to – mostly – just a few minutes. He posed us in the tent the same question and again, for most people it came back at under an hour even for the few over 60s in the group.

        I determined that day that I would live life to the fullest, try my best to hold each moment, look at it, drink it in and never, ever give it back.

        Moments are different for all of us. Ten people in the same place at the same time witnessing the same event can have ten completely different moments. I was in England when the Twin Towers came down. I saw it live on CNN and couldn’t believe it so switched to the BBC and it was there too. I had a friend at the time who regularly travelled to work in the USA, whose company had offices in one of the skyscrapers and my first thought was “Dear Lord, please don’t let XXX be there today” as I watched men and women jump from the building rather than be consumed by the fire. Thankfully my friend had been there the previous week and was back in the UK by then – I just hadn’t seen him.

        I stood on Dartmoor in Devon one morning with a group having prayed and sung worship songs all night and watched the sun rise over the valleys and villages.

        I held my dad’s hand as he slipped from this world into the next. As he passed, he had been unresponsive to everything but pain stimulation for several hours with no pupil response to light, he suddenly turned his head, opened his eyes, squeezed my hand as his pupils responded in a way that can only be described as focussing on me and then he was gone.

        Those moments, among others, make up what I will carry into eternity. Nothing will ever take them from me. For those minutes I was fully alive, God Himself was with me and nothing can dim the sensations.

        It’s not been easy, but I’m learning that we can choose to make ANY moment one of those moments. John Eldredge quoted someone (Ignatheus I think) in “Raising the Dead” as saying “The Glory of God is Man Fully Alive”. In those moments, They form part of my testimony – just as yours form part of yours – those moments are the Glory of God in our lives.

        Our stories are long and complex, but we have eternity to share them as brothers and sisters in Christ. I think that’s what John means in Revelation when he said we overcome the enemy by the Blood of the Lamb and the Word of our Testimony (Rev 12:11). Each of us has a story that will touch people. I can’t imagine being able to survive what you’ve written about going through in your life and coming out the other side with the beauty you demonstrate and the obvious strength you possess.

        There are very few people I pray for regularly as individuals. I won’t promise to pray for someone unless I am certain I can carry through that promise, so generally I sit and listen. If they let me, I’ll pray with them there and then, but I don’t say “you’re in my prayers” as a placation or to make someone feel better. I refuse to compromise my promises by doing so. And I’ve upset people when they say it to me by responding with “Will you really, or is that just the “christian” way to say ‘go away now, I’ve had enough of this conversation?'”

        The late Mike Yaconelli at Greenbelt said when he asked someone how they were doing, if they said “fine” he asked them again by saying “On a scale of 1 to 10 where ‘1’ is suicidal and ’10’ is euphoric, how are you?” because he was genuinely interested. That was in 1991 at Greenbelt Festival in the UK, and I’ve tried to do the same thing since as it’s a way to get through to people that they actually matter.

        My brother and my dad will always be a part of me. It is truly an honour and a privilege to have you in my life as a friend – albeit a strange friendship!

        Blessings to you, and know you really are in my prayers! xoxx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Wow David. I am just so complete touched and moved by your writing. Gosh I’m all choked up! You’re so right- being truly alive is something that awakens inside us. Simply breathing doesn’t count. It’s those “God moments.” As a NYer, I know exactly what campolo felt atop that building. I was just up top it a few weeks ago on the new freedom tower. And there really is something about that perspective that is breath taking and makes you appreciate the magnitude of God. Your father was lucky to have you with him as he passed. That is something that is so meaningful. I love your outlook of appreciating every moment. Will definitely take that to heart. Very grateful for you, my friend 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  40. I felt deeply for you reading about your mom and I know full well about the distructiveness of a stroke can have, as my late mother had three before the third one took her from this world, I am overjoyed your mom is recovering, give her lots of hugs and tell her often how much you love her, and continue to write and keep your light and faith alive

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    1. oh thank you so much, Graham. i so appreciate your kind words and support. i am so sorry to hear that about your mother. You’re right, its hard to watch a loved one have to endure it. sending my biggest hugs to you friend. thanks again. hugs xox

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  41. God bless your heart, sweetheart. Your mom is a fighter and so blessed to have another fighter just like her standing beside her at this very difficult time.
    You’re in my prayers as you walk with her in this journey to full recovery.
    God bless! 🙂

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  43. I am so proud of you as a brother in Christ.Your private prayer to God as you watched your dear mother sleep- shows your sincere sincerity to Jesus. You had a private audience with God- Private prayer is the one thing, above all others- which the enemy seeks to prevent. You were genuine- you know God hears you in secret.While Hezekiah was weeping and praying, in private- God sent the prophet Isaiah to assure him that he would add more years to his life. Your journey made vulnerable will show us all- that we are constantly dependent upon him… Thank you for your care. In Jesus – V. Psalm-5-3.

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  44. Thanks for sharing your heart with Jesus and letting us overhear. I have been through this with a loved one, so I know where you are. My prayers are with you and your family. I am grateful for the miracles you have received so far and for the ones still on the way.

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  45. Caralyn, what the devil meant for harm, God will turn to good.

    In this very honest post you acknowledge your mum’s stroke has already empowered you with a higher level of maturity, deeper faith and rearranged your priorities, and I have a feeling God is saying, ‘watch this space’ not finished yet.

    As you are doing the ‘right thing’ for your mum, expect your heavenly ‘Father God’, will not only uphold your whole family with his healing and love, but also, bless you in return by revealing more of his best for your life.

    God’s Blessings are ever new each morning.

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    1. Thank you so much for this thoughtful response. You’re right, I don’t think God is finished yet with the work He is facilitating with my mom and my family. We are all healing…even in ways we didn’t realize we needed it. Than you so much for your comforting words and prayer. I am truly grateful for you in my life. big big big hugs xox

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  47. Wow – what a powerful message. My mom is my best friend and I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. I am so glad to hear she is recovering and things are looking up. Sending more positive vibes your way.

    Z

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  49. I am not religious but I value the power of love and family. I like your blog as you write from the heart. I think its important that we here that having a stroke does not mean the end and thank you for showing us that. Best of health and recovery to you all.

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    1. Thanks so much Maxine. I really appreciate your kind words and support. And I’m so touched that you enjoy reading my blog! 🙂 you’re right- it’s not the end. In fact, it may just be the beginning 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  50. I am so sorry to hear about your mom, Caralyn. I am happy to know though that she is much better, has recovered and on the road to full recovery. God has blessed you both with each other and together God has stronger presence where you both are, I think. It’s an awesome thing that you’re doing. I don’t even want to think about what I’ll do… so let me not go there. Instead, let me use my energy for the good and send you positive loving wishes as I pray for your mom to be back to her health prior to her stroke, and for the whole family to continue to be blessed by God. Family crisis is always an awful thing to experience. I’m thinking of you. God bless you. Much love and hugs to you from me. XO Anne

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    1. Hi Anne, thank you so much for the thoughtful note. What beautiful and comforting words. It’s true – God has brought us through this, and here progress is cause for rejoicing. Truly. Thanks again my friend. Hugs and love xox

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