I Grew Up This Week

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I grew up this week.


There are few moments in life that change you. That truly transform you. Shake you into existence. Illuminate what is actually important in life and where your priorities should be.

And this past week, I had my first real life altering experience.

My mom had a stroke.

I thought that going through severe anorexia and a year-long  ulcerative colitis flare changed me, but honestly, I have never before had to grow up so fast in my life.

The time after the event was a blur. The dim glow of a lone florescent overhead in a sterile hospital room at 2:30am is disorienting in itself. But under the current circumstances, I found myself calling on the motto my mother had always instilled in me from day one of my own recovery: Just do the next right thing. 

And so I did just that. Watching my mother sleep, I didn’t know if I was more scared that she wouldn’t wake up, or what she would be like if she did. So I turned to a source of comfort – writing…to Jesus.

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And I’ve decided to share what I wrote that night…

I’m writing right now because writing is all I can do.

My mind is in five hundred different places and I need to talk or scream or cry or punch something, but I just can’t. Not today. Not here. Not now.

So I sit. Listening to Indian flute radio on Pandora and pray.

Last night my mom had a stroke.

And by the grace of God, I was here at home and not in NYC.

I’m sitting here, curled up in my big puffy coat and watching my mom sleep in her hospital bed. And I’m helpless. I cannot give her back the memories that she’s lost. I can’t give her back the Rolodex of faces in her mind that she no longer recognizes.

I mourn for the loss of her memories of who I am and what we went through and the joy we have shared. I mourn for the loss of the mother I once knew.

And so all I can do is pray. And since I don’t have the words or the energy for anything else, that’s just what I’ll do.

Lord Jesus,

I come before you tonight and I’m collapsing into your arms scared and worried and devastated about my mother’s stroke.

And I place her into your arms, Lord. Protect her. Heal her. Restore her. Bring back the woman that was full of life and vibrancy and a joy for life.

Lord I ask you also to be with my father. He is a pillar of strength, but he needs support too. Wrap him in your firm embrace and uphold his worried heart.

Jesus, there is peace that only you can bring, and I am calling on you Lord for just that. You, who rose from the grave, are capable of miracles, and I am praying that your will be done. But if that were to include the complete and total restoration and healing of my mother, that would be great.

Keep us close to you, Jesus, in this hour of great worry and fear. And move in her mind and body to restore your fierce warrior -your faithful and on-fire servant. She has given her life to sharing Your goodness, now if it be your will, I pray you pour out your saving and healing power over her.

Anyway Lord, thank you for protecting her and keeping her alive after the episode. I am beyond grateful for the second chance you have given her in the fact that she is alive and talking at all. Your mercy truly reigns.

I love you Lord.

Amen

My mom has come a long way since then. A long way. It is hard to believe that it has only been two weeks since we almost lost her. She’s conversing, laughing, dancing.

She’s physically 100%, but still having some memory and word recall difficulties. But we are very hopeful for a full recovery.

When something like this happens, certain things become very clear. Very fast.

You find out real quick what is truly important in life: Your Family. Your Loved Ones. And God. Everything else can wait. Acting careers. New Year’s Eve parties. your own needs, really. None of it matters when you’re faced with life or death.

And that is precisely why I’m moving home. Temporarily. To help my best friend during this critical period in her recovery.

This woman is my life blood, and I’m going to be there for her, just as she has been there for me my entire life.

And there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.

This is an anonymous blog, which, obviously, allows me to share this and other personal details about my life. So I ask that if you know me in real life, please do not share this information about my mother. She will share with people when she’s ready. And I thank you for respecting that.

Every day, I’m learning so much. Especially about prayer. But also about God. About Grace. And Courage. And I’m really looking forward to sharing those things with you over the next few weeks or months…or, who knows.

God does.

He’s got her. And in addition to “Doing the next right thing,” I’m also going to call upon my new motto as of Tuesday at 8pm…Jesus, I trust in You. 

Oh, and one last thing…thank you for the outpouring of love, support and prayers these last few days. I know that her tremendous progress thus far is in part thanks to you incredible prayer warriors. Thank you with all my heart.

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

643 thoughts on “I Grew Up This Week”

  10. I wondered what had happened, and I have been praying for you and your family. We don’t know each other outside the blogging world, but your words have touched my heart and helped me face some personal challenges. May God strengthen your family, and continue to bless your mother in her recovery, and help you know how to best help her.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Heather, thank you so much for your prayers and concern. Yeah I didn’t want to share until my mom gave the go ahead. i am in just so inspired by her courage through all of this. i can tell you how much your kindness means to me. And i am so touched by your nice words about my blog. i’m glad it resonated with you 🙂 sending you a massive hug xox

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I’m so happy that your mom is recovering. God is good and he is the only one that make miracles happen. It is His Will that all things happen. He will work it out the way that He knows it should be. I know what he can do and I know you can depend on him. My sister had an aneurysm and a couple of strokes and she is here doing very well with only a few none visible side effects. Trusting Him is all that it takes no matter what the situation. Your faith in Him says it all. God Bless you and your mother and the rest of your family.

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    1. thank you so much Corrie. I so appreciate your kind words and prayers. Yes, i am so grateful for His healing power in her. He can do all things. I am so sorry to hear that your sister went through that, but wow – how wonderful that she’s doing so well. i will keep her and you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. hugs to you xox

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this. Humbling and comforting. Also, that’s a great motto, particularly when life is overwhelming. I’m going to use it, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Dear Caralyn, I’m sorry to hear that your mother had a stroke. No matter how old we are, we need our mommy to be strong and healthy! I will keep her and you in my prayers. I know that you will be a wonderful assistant to her in her recovery.

    We are blessed to have faith and family to help us through these times. You bring others closer to Christ by your heartfelt sharing.

    And you have your writing too! I can tell that you, like me, make sense of rambling thoughts in our heads and work through the emotions that come from such a time, by putting it all down on paper/computer. And you express your thoughts so beautifully. You have the emotion, wisdom, and ability to be a great writer, Caralyn. You are a gift to all your readers.
    Sending you much love, Mary

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow Mary, I am so touched by this beautiful note. Thank you so much. Your prayers mean more than I can express. You’re right- I don’t know what I’d do without my faith. Jesus has absolutely 100% been holding my family and I up through this difficult time. But God is so good and every day my mom gets a little better. I have total faith that He will bring about healing and that one day down the road, we will be able to look back and see His blessing and purpose in all of this. That’s really great advice about the writing. It’s so true. The excerpt I share in this was a private writing I had done just for myself because I find comfort there, and I shared it with my mom and she encouraged me to publish it on my blog. I am just so amazed at her strength and courage through all of this. I thought she was my hero before, but boy oh boy. What a rock. Thanks again for such an uplifting response. My heart is so warm and full of so much hope:) sending hugs and love xox

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  20. My thoughts and wishes for your mom’s continued recovery. Just be strong, but leave some time to be weak. No one is strong all the time.
    “The world breaks everyone and afterwards, many are strong in the broken places.”.
    Ernest Hemingway.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Beautiful tribute and prayer for your beautiful mother. My mom had a stroke too and by the grace of god, she recovered with scattered memory loss. I am so happy for you and your family. Divine timing is god setting up the perfect moment to be in awareness. You are your mother’s angel. Thanks for sharing your story! OM Shanti

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you so much for your kind words and support, Shanti. I’m so sorry that you can relate on such a personal level. I’m so glad that your mom is doing well. that’s so great to hear! thanks again, my friend. big hugs xox

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  24. May you draw strength from the Gospels; who appropriately enough, as we draw into another Ordinary Time of a New Year in the Church, reflect the miraculous healing powers of Christ. Indeed….Jesus, I trust in You. The tenderest of hugs are sent directly to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  25. when i read your words i got tears in my eyes – you spoke from your heart and your words were like a prayer. when our heart speaks it will surely be heard by God. we all change roles in our life: we are child, mother or father, and grandpa or grandma – it is like a circle that fills us with wisdom. so life is like mirror to ourselves – so more we understand from it the more we are thankful for everything we have got. this life here is a big school and some day we sit together as sisters and brothers in Him. May God bless you and your mother.
    from heart to heart
    DidiArtist

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Didi, thank you so much for your kind words. I am so touched by your beautiful wisdom, and for your prayers. you’re right – life is a big school and we are all the pupils. so glad this resonated with you. big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  26. Sending my prayer for fast recovery of your mom and for your strength.
    Family is where always we belong. I am sure God has reasons for allowing some things to happen. God hears out heart. I feel you in every word you wrote here. It reminded me of the value of time when we are with our family, not to take it for granted rather, treasure every moment we are with them. I remember also my mom who is my umbrella in times of rains and storms. Be brave. For God gives his greatest battles to His strongest warriors…mhuaggzz!

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Blessing you and family my dear. God grant your mum a speedy recovery and work all things for her and yours and family’s salvation and His glory. Peace with you.

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  30. And now I understand what has been going on. I’m sorry my friend. Thank God you were home, that you can move back for a bit, that things are going as well as they are. May God continue to watch over you, comfort you, guide you and bless you through all of this

    hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Jeff. I really appreciate your support and prayers. Yes, thank God I was home and that she was in such tip top physical shape that her body is responding terrifically to the recovery process. God is good. even when we don’t understand. hugs xo

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  32. WOW.

    You know, I was wondering when we would hear about what was going on specifically in your life during this season. Now that is some tough stuff!!

    It wouldn’t be fair not to thank God that you were at the right place at a critical time! He is so faithful. How astonishing that through the chaos and the first impressions she is nearly FULLY recovered? That. is. miraculous.

    As you and your family continue to press on and recover, know that you have many prayers in your direction. As you enter another season of learning, growing , teaching , and healing I know that you will just become stronger than ever before!!

    Thank-you for being so transparent. It is stimulating.

    -JV

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi JV, thank you so much for this kind note. Yeah, it’s been a rough couple of weeks. You’re right – God is so faithful. it is amazing how God lined up this timing so that I would be home when it happened and in a position where I could spend more time at home. this will definitely be a season of learning. thanks again for the prayers. it means the world. big hugs xo

      Liked by 1 person

  33. This is what love for someone else is…being all grown up. Suddenly, we are not thinking of “me”, but of someone else, first. ; All grown up. By the way, growing never really stops.

    Liked by 1 person

  34. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I just saw my mother off the airport this morning. Her health is becoming fragile these days, and she is apparently battling some memory loss. Alzheimer’s runs in our family, so we’re all worried that she has it. With the geographical distance between us it is difficult to navigate through all the challenges that come with the disease. My Mom and two of my brothers live in Germany, another brother and myself live in the US. I feel extremely helpless because I’m so far away, and I’m worried about all the unknowns – does she have Alzheimer’s? If so, how fast will the disease progress? How long will she be able to live alone? Do we wait until something bad happens? As I’m writing about this I realize that a lot of my worries have to do with a lack of communication in our family. We siblings have to keep in touch, more so than in the past. It’s tough to see parents decline. It feels like an important part of us dies. I’m glad that God hears us and that we’re not alone in this struggle. I believe being there for your Mom is really the best you can do right now. Cherish the time you have with her. You are making memories that you’ll revisit in days to come, memories no money can buy. God bless you and your family!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you so much for this thoughtful response. I’m so sorry that there’s worry about your mother’s health. i will definitely keep her and your family in my thoughts and prayers. yeah, as the world gets “bigger” and our jobs take us farther and farther away, communication definitely becomes more difficult. thanks for the encouragement and prayers. big hugs xo

      Liked by 1 person

  39. This is not only one of the most beautiful posts I have read but your willingness to share openly and honestly is also an awesome testimony to God’s grace in your life.
    There are others that will read this and be blessed and encouraged as they have or are going through their own “Growing Up” challenges and struggles.
    You have been through a lot in your young (compared to me for sure) life and God has blessed you with wisdom beyond your years as a result of your trusting Him.
    Keep trusting, keep writing those prayers to your heavenly Father, He cherishes them!
    I too will be sending up a prayer for you and your Mom & Dad.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. gosh, thank you so much. i am incredibly touched by your prayers and kind words. Jesus has truly been holding my family up these past couple weeks. He’s showering us with grace, even when we don’t fully know how to ask for it. He is good. thanks again for your kind words. hugs xox

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  41. I am praying for complete healing for your mother. I also pray for strength and comfort for each of your family members and you as you help her recover. I thank God that you and your mother have relationships with God and can draw close to Him during difficult times!

    Liked by 1 person

  43. Sometimes I think God brings us through our own personal battles ahead of time, so that when the time for courage comes, we will be armed and ready. I lost my mom when she was 63 yrs old, but none of us were ready for God to take her home. Had I not already gone through a tremendous struggle earlier where I had to trust Jesus every hour, minute, and second of the day, I would have fallen apart with no one to pick me up. Praying for your Mom. YOU are going to be OK. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this heartfelt reflection, Mary. You’re right – those times develop courage and strength. I’m so sorry for your loss. you’re right, Jesus is our source of strength and truly our lifeline in those times. thanks again for the prayers. know that you and yours are also in mine. hugs xo

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  46. Beautifully written. I’m sorry about your mother’s stroke. I was just saying this week to my readers on Facebook that we need to be careful what we call ‘evil’. Sometimes God puts trials and heavy loads upon our shoulders so that many others can be saved. As Christians, we need to know that others watch us all the time. Your testimony during these times can make all the difference in the world to many who are around you. Take this beautiful essay, for example. So many will read it and be transformed. They will see the light of Christ through it and you. All because your mother had a stroke. So, was the stroke evil? God thinks in eternal terms. His goal is to save everyone. If we are already saved, if loading us down means the salvation of many others, then, well.. I can see why he would do things like that. What is our suffering for a short term compared to saving hundreds from trillions of years of death? I guess what I’m saying is that I’m glad you were able to turn such a difficult and sad situation into something beautiful and of great worth. That is what the true Christian can do through the strength of our Lord, Jesus Christ.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this thoughtful reflection. and gosh, i am so touched by your kind words about my blog. you’re right – God will use all things for good. Jesus has definitely been holding my family up lately. hugs to you xox

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  48. I absolutely love your transparency and your heart for the Lord! I truly hope that God continues to heal and restore your mom physically, spiritually, and mentally . I’ll keep you and your family in prayer as the season is obviously life transforming!

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  49. Psalm 28:7 (AMP) comes to mind:

    “The LORD is my strength and my [impenetrable] shield; my heart trusts [with unwavering confidence] in Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song I shall thank Him and praise Him.”
    ‭‭
    Your blog is your song. Your life is your song. Keep on singing, and keep on trusting in the One who gave you the gift of song, and uses this gift to bring glory to Himself.

    Liked by 1 person

  50. It is the biggest, scariest moments that He uses to mold us and shape us, to bring us closer to Him. So sorry to hear about your Mom’s stroke; very happy to hear she is recovering well. You are all in my prayers…may God bless you & keep you!

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