I Grew Up This Week

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I grew up this week.


There are few moments in life that change you. That truly transform you. Shake you into existence. Illuminate what is actually important in life and where your priorities should be.

And this past week, I had my first real life altering experience.

My mom had a stroke.

I thought that going through severe anorexia and a year-long  ulcerative colitis flare changed me, but honestly, I have never before had to grow up so fast in my life.

The time after the event was a blur. The dim glow of a lone florescent overhead in a sterile hospital room at 2:30am is disorienting in itself. But under the current circumstances, I found myself calling on the motto my mother had always instilled in me from day one of my own recovery: Just do the next right thing. 

And so I did just that. Watching my mother sleep, I didn’t know if I was more scared that she wouldn’t wake up, or what she would be like if she did. So I turned to a source of comfort – writing…to Jesus.

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And I’ve decided to share what I wrote that night…

I’m writing right now because writing is all I can do.

My mind is in five hundred different places and I need to talk or scream or cry or punch something, but I just can’t. Not today. Not here. Not now.

So I sit. Listening to Indian flute radio on Pandora and pray.

Last night my mom had a stroke.

And by the grace of God, I was here at home and not in NYC.

I’m sitting here, curled up in my big puffy coat and watching my mom sleep in her hospital bed. And I’m helpless. I cannot give her back the memories that she’s lost. I can’t give her back the Rolodex of faces in her mind that she no longer recognizes.

I mourn for the loss of her memories of who I am and what we went through and the joy we have shared. I mourn for the loss of the mother I once knew.

And so all I can do is pray. And since I don’t have the words or the energy for anything else, that’s just what I’ll do.

Lord Jesus,

I come before you tonight and I’m collapsing into your arms scared and worried and devastated about my mother’s stroke.

And I place her into your arms, Lord. Protect her. Heal her. Restore her. Bring back the woman that was full of life and vibrancy and a joy for life.

Lord I ask you also to be with my father. He is a pillar of strength, but he needs support too. Wrap him in your firm embrace and uphold his worried heart.

Jesus, there is peace that only you can bring, and I am calling on you Lord for just that. You, who rose from the grave, are capable of miracles, and I am praying that your will be done. But if that were to include the complete and total restoration and healing of my mother, that would be great.

Keep us close to you, Jesus, in this hour of great worry and fear. And move in her mind and body to restore your fierce warrior -your faithful and on-fire servant. She has given her life to sharing Your goodness, now if it be your will, I pray you pour out your saving and healing power over her.

Anyway Lord, thank you for protecting her and keeping her alive after the episode. I am beyond grateful for the second chance you have given her in the fact that she is alive and talking at all. Your mercy truly reigns.

I love you Lord.

Amen

My mom has come a long way since then. A long way. It is hard to believe that it has only been two weeks since we almost lost her. She’s conversing, laughing, dancing.

She’s physically 100%, but still having some memory and word recall difficulties. But we are very hopeful for a full recovery.

When something like this happens, certain things become very clear. Very fast.

You find out real quick what is truly important in life: Your Family. Your Loved Ones. And God. Everything else can wait. Acting careers. New Year’s Eve parties. your own needs, really. None of it matters when you’re faced with life or death.

And that is precisely why I’m moving home. Temporarily. To help my best friend during this critical period in her recovery.

This woman is my life blood, and I’m going to be there for her, just as she has been there for me my entire life.

And there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.

This is an anonymous blog, which, obviously, allows me to share this and other personal details about my life. So I ask that if you know me in real life, please do not share this information about my mother. She will share with people when she’s ready. And I thank you for respecting that.

Every day, I’m learning so much. Especially about prayer. But also about God. About Grace. And Courage. And I’m really looking forward to sharing those things with you over the next few weeks or months…or, who knows.

God does.

He’s got her. And in addition to “Doing the next right thing,” I’m also going to call upon my new motto as of Tuesday at 8pm…Jesus, I trust in You. 

Oh, and one last thing…thank you for the outpouring of love, support and prayers these last few days. I know that her tremendous progress thus far is in part thanks to you incredible prayer warriors. Thank you with all my heart.

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

643 thoughts on “I Grew Up This Week”

  1. I am so sorry Caralyn and my prayers are with you and your mother for a complete recovery. Your presence with her is hugely important as is the prayer support you are getting from so many – when I have gone through difficult times in hospital and sometimes felt anxious, I have quietly repeated to myself “I trust you Jesus” which has helped me get back to that deep centre of peace.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Beautiful post and such a mature understanding that you have been given a gift in the disguise of a tragedy. We know logically that we will not live in these bodies for long, but there is nothing like a stroke or heart attack or cancer diagnosis to make us appreciate those we typically take for granted. I know that I am so grateful for the precious healing time between the cancer diagnosis and deaths of my husband, father, and mother. Even though it was a difficult journey for each of them, and I would not want them have to suffer it again, it gave us all a clearer perspective on life and love. Enjoy this sweet time with your mother. You will not regret it!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Such a beautiful expression of what it feels like when a parent falls ill – thank you for sharing it. Praying for you and your family, and hoping for a complete recovery for your Mom!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Girl, that was a beautiful gesture and you are a warrior! Thank you for having the courage to share your thoughts, your feelings and your view on such a hard situation and that most people wouldn’t even begin to handle it as well as you’re doing. You’re strong, you’re beautiful and I’m sure your God and whatever higher power is there will be looking after your mom and holding her hand as she pulls through this. Raising such a great daughter, she must be one hell of a tough cookie! I hope all you well!
    Sincerely,
    Jules.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. What a beautiful way to express what you’re going through… Seeing your circumstance an opportunity to grow and learn and the SHARE is truly a blessing in disguise. Treasure those moments with your mama. Such a powerful testimony of your love for her. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I’m so sorry to hear of your mother’ health issues. As a nurse of 23 + plus years I have witnessed the journey of many patients and their families. I always feel blessed to be there to help whether it’s with my clinical knowledge and care of the patient or by providing the compassion a family needs during these times. But nothing equals the miraculous events I have witnessed through our Lord.
    You and your family are in my prayers.💗💗

    Liked by 1 person

  15. It is wonderful to read of your mother’s remarkable recovery! And also of your strength and faith. Maybe this has been said here elsewhere, but you know the saying, something like: “We can plan our lives, but the Lord directs our steps!” You’ll be where you are supposed to be, and wherever that is, things will work out. I will keep you and your mom and family in my prayers, for continued healing, direction, and happiness.
    ~ Peri

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Peru, thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. Yes, my mom is so strong and I am so inspired by her courage. You’re right- the Lord really does direct our steps and I just have to trust His way. Thanks for stopping by. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Praying for God’s grace and peace to blanket your family. Malachi 4:2, “But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its rays. And you will go out and frolic like well-fed calves.”

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  17. Praying for her and praying for you as well . I still remember slipping all over the kitchen floor trying to run to get dressed to get to the hospital for my dad . It’s an uneasy feeling of uncertainty , not knowing what to do or how to help … of even what the recovery will be like . A ton of prayer and patience …. it’s a bumpy road but progress has been happening since that day so many years ago . Your mother will appreciate your support !

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    1. Thank you so much Tilly. What a kind note. I really appreciate your prayers. Yes, I can definitely relate to that uneasiness. But you’re right- there is comfort in prayer. I’m glad you and yours are doing Well:) big hugs to you xox

      Liked by 1 person

  18. You are absolutely right when you said that our loved ones and, of course, God are the most important things in our life. It’s great that you were able to find comfort in God during your time of fear and worries and that you are now providing comfort and support to your mom. Keep praying and even though we don’t know each other, I will pray for you and your mom as well…

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    1. Thank you so much for your prayers and kind words. You’re right- these things illuminate what’s important in our lives. Or perhaps, what *should be* important. Grateful for you , friend 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  19. I have been away for a couple of weeks so just read your entry. I’m so sorry! I’m grateful that she is doing better, and that you are able to have this time with her. May God bless this time, and give you much more time. May he also continue to fill you with his peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. I am so sorry for you and your family and what a challenging time you’ve had. You are a good child, daughter. Many would wish to have someone love them as much. Lord knows I wish I do. Can’t stop the tears falling. In everything, it is great that you know and have my sweet Jesus. Yes, the challenges and hurts of this world are made easier by knowing we serve a biggest God who can carry it all. Much love and best wishes.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. God allows these things to happen sometimes. Sometimes it is to see how strong is your faith, or he wants you to do something for him. The great way to ask him is through fasting. I am right now kind of in this problem but different but the best way to do it is by fasting. Also continue to pray and as you pray have hope if you doubt that would not be given to you and read the Bible please take this advice
        Thank you if you need anything email me its Documentedpress.blog@gmail.com

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      2. That’s such a powerful perspective. There is so much power in prayer. As I am a recovered former anorexic, I do not partake in fasting, as a principle. And I believe that God understands, but perhaps I could “fast” from something non food related. 🙂 thank you so much for your prayers and support. Big hugs xox

        Liked by 1 person

  30. Good news that your mother’s physical status (e.g. I gather ability to get up, walk, do tasks…) is okay. Encourage her to seek out an speech therapist (if she is not already connect) to work on the communication and cognitive skills. I gather that she is home now. If so, she will need a doctor’s orders for out-patient speech therapy. Care for yourself and your father too. The skills you have developed for your own recovery can help your mother.
    Oscar

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks again Oscar! Yes, her recovery thus far is truly incredible and we are so elated at her progress. Yes, that’s definitely part of her recovery plan. And she’s attacking it with gusto:) thanks again for your support and encouraging words. It truly means so so much. Big hugs to you xox

      Liked by 1 person

  31. Caralyn, I am so grateful that your mom has come far from the first frightful hours and days after her stroke. I can’t imagine how terrified you must have been. You and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers, and now I know to specifically pray for your mother’s health and recovery and also that God’s graces may have no limit in their outpouring in your life. This is a beautifully written post. Amen, my friend. Amen to all of it. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Lulu. I really appreciate your kind words and support and prayers and friendship 🙂 yes, God had absolutely showered us in grace in her healing and just getting through each day. He is truly good even when we don’t understand. Massive hugs and lots and lots of love xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are very welcome for the prayers. I was reading another passage this morning that really made me stop to think. “Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1). It occurred to me that we who believe in the resurrection and in the real presence in the Eucharist and in so many other things we can’t see might not give ourselves enough credit for our faith. You have a very strong faith, and it sounds like your mom does, too. xoxo

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      2. Oh my gosh, that is one of my all time favorite verses…Hebrews 11:1. It has gotten me through some difficult moments. I love your prospective…so true. A lot of things we cannot see, but it’s defintely there. Thanks for the beautiful encouragement xox

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  32. What a beautiful post. You are such an amazing woman, daughter, friend, sister, & aunt. Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable post with us. You are a true inspiration for us all. We will continue to pray for you, family, and for a full recovery of your sweet mother.

    Jesus, I trust in you!

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    1. Thank you so much Apes. How grateful I am to call you friend. Truly. It is so amazing how God brings people into our lives, and I am just so thankful that he allowed our paths to cross and be forever friends and sisters 🙂 sending massive hugs xox

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  33. Hey Beauty. It has been a while. I am so sorry to hear about your mother. She will be in my prayers, as will you and your family. She is lucky to have a daughter like you, who is willing to put her life on hold for her. That isn’t right though.

    She is lucky to have a daughter like you who able to see what life really is: Faith and Love. Lucky, though I doubt she is surprised. It seems clear enough that your family made you who you are, and I mean that only in the best way.

    As one who has had health issues myself for over half my life, I know how hard it can be at times. But I also know how much it forces you to put your faith in Jesus. Doctors and medicine failed me, and that is partly how I found faith in Christ. Medicine can do amazing things, no doubt, but it can’t take away the fear of death, can’t let us hope for miracles beyond explanation.

    All we have is this moment. That is not meant to be fatalist, but, when we come to that realization, all the things in the world that aren’t important start to fade away. Never let that go. But, I don’t think I need to tell you that.

    Remember this: there is no courage without fear. Courage is not an absence of fear but a triumph over it. It is no coincidence that God tells us that His strength is made perfect in our weakness. Let him be strong for you, let Him triumph over any fear. Be well.

    Christian

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this thoughtful and beautiful note, Christian. Wow, i am so touched by it. “There is no courage without fear.” My goodness what a powerful quote – you’re right, He will be (and IS being) strong for us. I have especially felt that recently – He has 100% been upholding my family. we are truly blessed. thanks again for your kind words and prayers. it means the world. hugs xox

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  35. I’m so sorry about your mom. I know what it is to sit beside your mother’s hospital bed, helpless with concern that is hard to put into prayer. Thankfully, our God has heard your heartfelt prayers. She is blessed to have you there. I’ll be keeping y’all in my prayers.

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  36. My prayers are with you and your family. I know this challenge will strengthen all of you and make each moment cherished from hence forth. I pray that God will give your mother complete recall and will build her up to testify of His goodness.

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  37. Praise God for the quickening of her mortal flesh, for the speedy recovery she experiencing in her body to the glory of God and by the power of His Holy Spirit! Praying for you all ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  39. I’m so sorry to learn you’re going through this. I pray that God continue to surround you and your family with peace and quick healing for your mom.
    And thank you for sharing in order to help others.

    Liked by 1 person

  41. Beautiful words Caralyn and prayer is the best weapon you have in times like these. There is not a moment in which God does not present Himself through our pain and sorrows.God bless you and your family,especially your mother right now.

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  44. For various reasons, I am behind in loads of my reading and so just read this today. I am so, so sorry to hear about your mom’s stroke, but so thankful that she is up and about now! I am not surprised to hear that you are moving home for a bit. As I’ve read your blog in recent weeks, I’ve been wondering if God wasn’t going to call you to do just that. I know that whatever happens, He will be glorified in and through the lives of you and your family.

    Heavenly Father, I lift up this family to You and ask that You will be with them in a powerful way. Thank You for the healing You have already accomplished, and thank You that You work even in the areas that seem difficult to us. As Caralyn walks through this season of her life, remind her constantly of Your presence, and even if some days seem dark, remind her that darkness is as light to You. Lend her and her family generously of Your strength, wisdom, and solace, amen.

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    1. Oh HM, thank you so much for this beautiful beautiful prayer. Gosh, I am just so touched by your compassion and support. Yes, God has been so good and I am incredibly grateful for the healing He’s facilitating in her. And I just trust that He’s got me where I’m supposed to be. At this very moment. Everything else can wait. Thanks again for this heartfelt encouragement. I am grateful to have you as a friend! Hugs and love xox

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  45. Thank God your mom is on the mend and I’m believing for her complete recovery, Caralyn. Jesus is our healer.

    Growing up does fine tune perspective, doesn’t it? So glad you’re at home loving on her. There’s nothing like family😘

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  47. God is always in control of every situation. He is a good God, He never leaves us at such period of our lives. I pray that He will continue to uphold us, when our strength can no longer carry and see us through.

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  49. “Jesus, there is peace that only you can bring, and I am calling on you Lord for just that”. Princess, there ain’t more I can bring myself to say… you are doing the next best thing and our Lord loves it when we trust in Him – Amen … tell mama and family if virtual hugs could restore her 1000% then she’ll sure be flying now 🙂

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  50. So sorry to hear about you mom but glad she’s doing well. Our parents are vital to our growth and well being, no question. Praying for your mom and for the growing up of all brothers and sisters in Christ. ❤️

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