Do You Trust Me? 

Oh how my days are different these days.


I’ve always been a bit of a night owl, but nowadays, the nighttime is my own personal retreat. When the whole house is asleep, alarm on, and my darkened room is lit with the glow of my overworked MacBook, I can finally breathe. Reflect. Write. Numb out. It is my respite of quiet. Of solace.

Over the past five weeks since my mom’s stroke, I have definitely walked through a lot of emotions.

They say that there are five stages of grief, but I don’t think I’ve even ever allowed myself to “go there” and entertain that mindset of “grief,” because I have nothing to grieve. I believe that my mom is going to get better. Period. I am clinging to that hope. I am demanding that of God.

But tonight was the first night where I just was … well … I was feeling down tonight. It was a rough evening, and sitting here in the quiet of my bedroom, I let myself feel those feelings that I have been forbidding to cross my mental field since it happened. And I’ll tell you what…it was a pretty sobering experience.


Through all of this, I have so tried not to think about myself. I’ve focused on my mom. My dad. How I can best serve them. How I can update my siblings and keep them in the loop and keep them encouraged.

But tonight. I thought about me.

And I cried. A lot.

It was a mixture of some anger and then just deep sorrow.

I almost couldn’t catch my breath, thinking about how, I am so young. I have so much of my life ahead of me. Life that I need my mom for. Need her guidance. Her wisdom. Advice. Opinions.

There are so many things I wish I could have asked her before this happened, such as, should I wear a veil with my wedding dress? How do you hem a pair of men’s dress pants? How do you work through tough issues in a marriage? What is the proper wine bottle to number-of-party-guests ratio? What are the best memories of her early years of marriage and what does she wish she could have done differently/sooner?

Things that, I fear, she may never be able to fully answer.

And that gave me such deep sorrow. Thinking about all of her incredible wisdom that I could be missing out on if she doesn’t get “better.”


My mom is such a beautiful source of Godly wisdom on how to be a joyful and selfless wife/mother/friend/teacher/encourager/neighbor/person….why didn’t I interrogate her and tape record her answers when I had the chance and she was able to fully express herself?

But what really got to me was thinking about my future wedding someday. And how scared I am that she won’t be able to fully be present. Looking into her eyes in the bridal room before I walk down the aisle and not having the mother I’ve always known whisper the words I need hear in that moment…it kills me.

Crying in the darkness, letting my mind go to these heart wrenching places, I was about ready to just shut my laptop and close my eyes, and succumb to the images in my head. And in that moment, my heart surged with stillness, and I was filled with this overwhelming thought of “Do you trust me?”

I’m not saying I heard the voice of God, but sometimes, a phrase will just pop in my mind out of nowhere, and I am hard pressed to believe that those messages aren’t inspired by the Father.

Do you trust me?

Well, God, if you’re asking and I’m being candid…yes, but right now, I’m having a pretty hard time doing so.


Fear is a pretty strong emotion. It’s the trump card. When fear is present, all bets are off. And I’m going to be honest…if I let my guard down, I become pretty fearful.

Do you trust me?

Yes, Lord, I do.

My mom will get better. I am claiming that. Demanding it of God. But if she doesn’t and this is as far as her recovery is going to go, I know that it will be okay.

God will make it be okay.

God will make it be okay.

God will make me believe it will be okay.

God will make me believe that I will be okay.

Maybe there is something that I’m supposed to be learning in all of this. Maybe there is a greater plan at work, and all this was supposed to get my life or my mom’s life on a different path or trajectory than it had been on. Who knows.

But I do know, that right now, in this very moment, I am being asked to trust Him.

He has never forsaken me. Ever. Nor will He now.

Yes, Lord. I trust You.


________________________________________________________________
Stay Connected!
@beauty.beyond.bones – Instagram

Facebook

Twitter

YouTube

patreon

Thank you for considering supporting BBB on Patreon! You make this blog possible🙂

Advertisements

Published by

beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

419 thoughts on “Do You Trust Me? 

  1. Yes, God keeps pushing the envelop of our trust in Him — usually in scary ways. He just likes to frighten us. He is a wicked teacher who likes to teach us in unconventional ways. You’re going to love it. Just keep rising. Higher and higher.

    Like

  2. So I have been on this journey and my heart is deeply relating to you in this whole emotional scene. I will pray for you …trusting the Holy Spirit to lead that prayer. One thing that helped was taking a break and “walking it out with Jesus” (my now- famous phrase 😉) every afternoon …then doing what you’re doing and writing it out. Try to take care of yourself along the way. Praying for strength and wisdom for you and your family. I know your mom feels your love so much.

    Like

  3. Such a beautifully candid post! I care for my dad in our home (I’m also married with 2 young school-age kids), so I get what you’re sharing. Shifting from being a daughter to a daughter-who’s-seeing-her-parents-tussle-with-aging can be more than a notion. Each day, I look up at a sign on my wall that simply says: “I Got This. – God” 🙂 Hard to remember that at times, for sure – but He can handle our fears. Hugs to you! 🙂

    Like

  4. Thanks for sharing your struggle. The life of a Christian can be very challenging when our faith is challenged. But I would rather be challenged with God than without Him! I pray that God will comfort and strengthen you as you continue to trust in Him. 🙂

    Like

  5. That was genuinely heartwarming and highlighted the raw depth we can encounter during our darkest revelations. Much love and blessings x thank you for sharing that

    Like

  6. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt hurt and fears. That takes a strong person. I’m sure that you know the “Father” who spoke to you of trust, much better than I, but one thing that I am sure of (after nearly 74 years of life) and that is that the Supreme Being, Creator, God by any other name, can accept that we fear and that we have doubts. She/He can handle that and still love us, forgive us and protect us. I wish you and your family much love and peace.

    Like

  7. I loved reading these beautiful words written by such a loving daughter, God’s richest blessings for you and your mother

    Like

  8. Since I’m only new to join the blogging party, I’ve only just seen this. I wanted to share a verse with you its Ecclesiastes 7:3 “Sorrow is better than laughter, For by a sad countenance the heart is made better.”
    I love that verse people might say God doesn’t put you through pain, but I’d disagree I think it’s something to be thankful for as it makes us stronger and able to take on greater challenges in life. I’ll read more up to date posts to see how you’re now doing, but wish i wish you the best.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s