When Love Hurts 

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

There is a weariness of spirit, that I’m going to be honest, I wasn’t expecting to encounter.

My mom always taught me, growing up, that if I ever wanted to get myself out of a funk, or feel better, that all I needed to do was to help or do something nice for another person. And she was always right.

Up until this time, let’s see – 8 weeks now since my mom had her stroke – pouring myself out in service to my mom and dad has been everything I thought it would be. The joyful giver comes to mind. And if I’m honest, the giving felt good. My spirit was full of the joy that comes from helping and loving another person.

That’s been my mission and what I’ve felt called to do right now: simply to love.

To love in every way, shape, and form that brings. Whether that’s listening or comforting my mom when she’s feeling overwhelmed or discouraged. Whether it’s doing a humiliating dance or silly accent spontaneously to lighten the mood when people are down. Whether that’s emptying the dishwasher at 6:30 in the morning before the house wakes up or making sure there are groceries in the fridge. Or whether it’s just spending time with my father to let him know he’s not alone in this.

Love takes many forms. Forms that I was anticipating. Forms that I welcomed. And embraced.

But what about another form of love that is often not talked about.

What about when love hurts?

This is an oft overlooked aspect of love, because honestly, it’s not fun to discuss. It’s not pleasant to remember and usually painful to relive.

And well, I’m beginning to understand why.

I’ve been pretty emotionally blindsided here these last several days.

One of the things that I really didn’t appreciate about strokes was how much it can change a person, at least during the initial recovery period. Sure, there are the obvious changes: for many (thankfully not my mom): there are physical changes – challenges that require physical/occupational therapy to manage. But then there are the mental and personality changes, which are not so obvious, at least on the surface, but that can be, perhaps, even more devastating than the physical.

But my spirit has been redlining, getting beaten down by discouragement, and dwelling on the things I cannot change. Allowing myself to feel defeated or hurt by her moments of tension or acute frustration.

Things as simple as the air space in a room, that was once filled with overwhelming love and compassion from my mom, is now stagnant and often tense, perhaps even slightly charged.

And that hurts.

As I type this, my eyes are just waterfalls, spilling over all the fear and confusion and pain that I’ve been bottling up, being strong on the outside for my dad and for my family, but I honestly don’t know what to do.

I know that this behavior and display is not really my mom. Mood swings are par for the course and this is just a result of the trauma in her brain and an aftermath of the stroke. And it’s not all the time. But I am just beside myself and truly lost for what to say or what to do or anything.

And after an especially difficult episode, I had to just go upstairs and cry.

What, Lord, are you trying to teach me through this? How, Lord, can I love this woman in the way she needs right now? Help me, Lord, to speak the words she wants to and needs to hear. 

This sluggishness of soul is new for me. I don’t feel myself. And I feel incapable of being the light and bringing the joy that my family so needs right now.

But I think what I need to remember is that, this “not myself” feeling I’m experiencing…my mom is experiencing this 100 times worse. Only she can’t express how she’s feeling and she doesn’t know how/if she’ll ever be fully back to herself. So the least I can do is offer compassion.

Going forward, I know things are going to probably get harder, not easier. But my presence at home has never been more needed. Not only for my mom, but also for my dad, as he’s feeling the pain of this new phase of recovery.

I need to remember that love can hurt.  I just glanced up and saw the crucifix. And if that doesn’t exemplify the degree to which love can hurt, then I don’t know what else to say.

Love is not always a walk in the park. Love is a choice. And I am realizing that now more than ever. Even if that means enduring some tough moments that leave me feeling raw or with a trampled spirit.

We are called to love. Even when it hurts.

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

486 thoughts on “When Love Hurts ”

  1. Lord, please give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen
    If you really mean it when you ask this of God, it does help.

    Then, even though this is your mother you have to know when to sympathize and when to empathize. None of us want our loved ones to hurt or be incapacitated, but life happens to all and when we sympathize too much we become incapacitated with the loved ones we want to help.

    I pray for you to have the strength to weather this storm and see your way through, and I pray you will find serenity while you do so.

    RI

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi RI, wow, such a powerful perspective here. Thank you so much for sharing this thoughtful response. It’s so true, I need to make sure that I’m not hindering progress or being too *overly* or detrimentally helpful. Lots of food for thought. Thank you. And I really appreciate your prayers. I love that serenity prayer. I especially love the full version of it. I was just made aware of the entire thing last week, and wow! talk about powerful! thanks for stopping by! hugs xox

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  2. So many hugs u!! Yes, love can bring in so many feelings, and unfortunately they’re not always good. There can be sadness. There can be anger. Their can be inconsistent changes that make you feel something, then SWITCH, without any control (mostly from something good to not so good). Its not easy. You did a wonderful thing by reassuring your dad. I will keep you, and both your folks in my ❤ and prayers!! Sending love and hugs always!!

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    1. Oh, thank you so much, Migueltio. You’re right, there are a lot of feelings right now. Honestly, more than I thought I was capable of feeling! You’re so kind to say that. And I really appreciate your prayers and constant positivity! You are such a source of light and sunshine in my day! I’m very grateful for you 🙂 hope you’re having a great week my friend! hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks so much!! You are a positive, inspirational light too! I am having a good week. School break. Trying to get things in that aren’t possible during work weeks. Hugs your way! xox

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  5. The last person lost, that I was real close to me, when I was 14 and numb of my other issues, so I was lost with emptiness and quietness of sitting still, when my great grandfather passed away and united with his wife, that I never knew, because she die when I was real young, but I saw heart break through my great grandfather’s eye’s, that I got a lot of wisdom from him, through my life of knowing him.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing this, Michael. Gosh, I’m so sorry to hear that about your grandfather. It sounds like the two of you had a really special relationship. Loss is hard, no matter how many years pass. Sending you big big hugs xox

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      1. I’m find now, it just he pass away, when it was during my start of my angry teen years and I think I might of been little angry with something with him at the time, that I didn’t know what it was, before I came numb with an issue before he pass away, that broken me down, for my teen years.
        The thing is he help me out a lot, I think, with a compress issue, I had, that something happen to me with my lower back in the 1st grade. I know what it is now, but don’t recall it happening in my life.

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      2. Yeah, I know loss, no matter how much time has passed, still is difficult. Yeah, that must have been difficult to go through those developmental years after enduring such a hardship. You are an inspiration, Michael. xx

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      3. I think it was mostly me, because I didn’t want any help and I was in that phase of my life, that it was “my problem not yours and you making it worst,” phase.
        When I was 21 and needed to hear you not the only one with problems, that finally click to me and started to think of others besides myself.

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  6. Thank you for this look into your heart. I see Jesus there.

    The hardest task a child will ever undertake is to be a parent to their parents. Even without the complication of the stroke, old age alone, if death does not intervene, will eventually require this task of reverse parenting. This is the most difficult moment of being a child. You are in a strange land. You are transformed into the parent, your mother has become the child. The one who cared for you when you were little and helpless, now needs your care. There is a fundamental “not right-ness” about the situation, an “upside down-ness” about the situation: you have entered the twilight zone. It is uncomfortable, it is painful, it is hard; but, it is honoring your parents to care for them as they once cared for you.

    As you go along this difficult journey, beware of caregiver burnout. You have been pouring yourself out into your parents for months and there may be many months ahead… You must take care of yourself so that you can take care of them. If you are running on empty, you need to take a break and recharge.

    God Bless.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement, Oogata. Your words are so kind and wonderful. You’re right – an “upside-down-ness” is definitely how i would describe this. I am hopeful that it won’t be this way forever. And I am in it for the long haul and want to support her as best I can, in the way she needs. But you’re right, I need a recharge too. Thanks for stoping by and for sharing this beautiful wisdom. Big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. First of all, I want to say that what you are doing for your parents is right and beautiful, but I’m going to agree with Oogata. It sounds like a little caregiver burnout happening. You’re not a bad daughter if you take a few moments each day to walk around the neighborhood, soak in a hot tub, spend time in prayer or meditation–in short, just take some time to recharge your batteries, so to speak. What’s happening hurts. It is stressful. It is frustrating…no matter how deeply you love. And that frustration doesn’t benefit anyone. When you take those few moments each day for yourself, you’ll have more to give to your parents in the long run. And recovering from a stroke is a long run. It’s kind of like running a marathon. You have to pace yourself. You’re all in my thoughts and prayers. May God bless you & keep you!

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Thanks again, Lisa. You’re right – I should do those things every day. It’s not bad 🙂 And so true – it’s a marathon, not a sprint. That’s what we’re trying to remember everyday. Our family is used to sprinting, if you know what I mean. thanks for your continued prayers. hugs xox

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  7. Your posts are so poignant. They bring the Good News into real life. I really appreciate that. So many things came to mind as I read your story.
    Timothy Keller has said, “There is no way to have a real relationship without becoming vulnerable to hurt.” When I read that I initially just thought of the truth of it in our interpersonal relationships.
    After reading your post I was reminded how God so wants a real – personal, intimate, genuine – relationship with you and me and everyone else that we was willing to experience the greatest hurt of all to free us from sin, death, the lies of the enemy, and to heal us from the terrible wounds we’ve experienced. But it wasn’t just physical hurt. He bore the weight of all sin, went through being separated from the other parts of the Godhead thinking he would never come back, to experience the second death.
    It was by that love that love is awakened in us; as it has in you.
    Thanks again for putting yourself out there.

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    1. Wow, Brad, what a powerful and beautiful reflection. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and mind here. That’s so true — He took on it all out of love for us. What an incredible gift. And you’re right – that awakens love inside of us. What a powerful truth indeed. Thanks for stopping by! big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome. Now that I have amazed and astounded you once again by my cool and unconventional brilliance, I have a confession to make. Your post also make me a little sad/angry.
        I sincerely hope your mom continues to recover. My heart aches for your struggle and the thought of what your dad is feeling. And yet, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. And that’s the problem. I wish I could. I wish I could say me too or I’ve been there and I understand. But I can’t and that makes me sad/angry.
        In January 2012 I was on a last minute flight from Yellowknife to Surrey, BC. I arrived early on a Saturday morning.
        I spent the next two days sitting beside my mom as she died.
        I wish I could have gone through what you are going through.

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      2. Oh my gosh Brad. That just breaks heart that you had to go through that. What a gift, though, that you were able to be with her in her final days. I can understand though, the mixed emotions. And I appreciate you opening up about that. That’s a really powerful perspective to remember the next time my soul is feeling weary. Big hugs to you xox

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Now I’m retreating back into my carefully crafted pastoral persona…
        Just a thought, perhaps one you’ve already had, is you are saying lots of words that sound like you need a time out. You also walk a little wounded. You must ensure you are practicing self care. You cannot serve from an empty cup.
        If I’m right, and I usually am 😏, please take a recovery day ASAP.

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      6. I think you’re right. I think that’s just what the doctor (or pastor) orders. haha but seriously. Yeah, it’s been a difficult weekend.I think a little personal time would be renewing for my spirit. I will try to find a time for that ASAP. Thanks Brad 🙂 ok gonna try and get some shut eye now. hugs xox

        Liked by 1 person

      7. I read your reply a few times but after “you’re right” I stop paying attention…
        But you’re welcome anyway.

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  9. Caralyn child, if you don’t mind my calling you that from 48 years away, but also because my heart goes out to you, what you’re feeling is right on, part of the deal of living and loving. My wife and I have looked after parents of both sides for great lengths of time. Lydia’s dad passed away in our home following a stroke, and we are so glad that we had the joy of looking after him for several months and celebrating his birthday. Her parents used to come over and stay with us for several months at a stretch. We took a decision to look after my parents after political instability where they were living began to cause fortnightly strikes and a civil disobedience movement. This decision was hard, but there were no other options for old folks who had no pension or social security, and I have no siblings to divide the emotional and financial load with. It’s now over a decade they’ve been living with us.

    Some months ago, when my dad deteriorated, the weeks of service after that took its toll with fatigue primarily, but we had the joy of answered prayer for him, and a changed relationship and restoration with my parents. Now, I have to deal with his refusing to bathe, refusing to shave, my mom’s weird skin condition that is frightening the wits out of her, cooking for the family so that Lydia is released to handle another answer to prayer – a homeroom teacher’s post (something totally new for her), and a full job on top of all that. We also occasionally have to deal with the fact that because there’s no one we can easily request to stay with my parents, we can’t get breaks away as a family very often, and if we do, it can’t last more than a week. 91 year old dad, 83 year old mom, both deaf, one half blind, both extremely argumentative with each other, bless them, struggling to walk with God at this age.

    Lydia and I are realising that we can’t carry them beyond a certain point. You see, we’re all individuals with wills and decisions. While we serve our parents, they have their own play of will and decision, not all of which may be helpful, and sometimes, it’s required us releasing them into God’s hands. Now, it requires constant releasing them into God’s hands – each time we step out of the house. You have no idea how many disasters due to burning stoves, electrical connections left open, front door left open, slips and falls, etc. God has saved them from. We have also been astounded and deeply grateful for how God has protected them. When we used to live up in the mountains, we’ve also had scorpions at least twice a year turn up in the house right near my mom’s feet, that we’ve seen and killed in time, just because we ‘happened’ to pass by and look down.

    The fatigue is a part of the deal, and burnout is real if you’re pouring out more than is pouring in. We’ll be praying for God to give you wisdom on how much to do, where to pull back or away, and how to be filled (yes, right there in good old Ohio). Praying for fellowship for you beyond the blog, and a renewal of your strength when you come before Him in worship, caught up in His beauty.

    The times when we are just caught up in His presence and filled with awe at all that God is, when we sit and rest against our wonderful King Jesus, are as important as being filled with grace and strength to overcome.

    Much love and grace to you from Christ who has finished it all, and from us here,
    Indi

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    1. Hi Indi, gosh thank you so much for sharing this. Wow, what a gift (and sacrifice) you and Lydia and your family are giving to your parents. That is such a witness to your character. Isn’t it incredible how God provides and protects us? He really has finished it all, and that gives such a powerful comfort. And how true is that: you’ve got to replenish what you’re pouring out. That’s what I need to remember – that it’s okay to take some “me” time. I’m going to be going back to NYC here in the next couple weeks for a weekend. I have a shoot, and then it’s one of my good friend’s birthdays, so it’s going to be really great to get away fro a few days. Thanks so much for your continued prayers and encouragement. You and your family are a blessing in my life. big hugs to you xox

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      1. Actually, you’re being really kind in your interpretation of what I wrote, Caralyn. If you were living with us, you would quickly see how messy, falling-short and far from the sorted out, sacrificial service it may have sounded, it is. But God has been pleased to use it, and change us through it.

        It’s feeling the emptiness that can actually spur us onto the infilling that we can’t do without, but which we often miss because of the enormously meaningful activity we may be engaged in. I sometimes think that there is some real danger in feeling fulfilled by the activity we do, when we are really fulfilled in Christ.

        I decided to share this in our family devotion time a little while back, and HOW INTERESTING to see that, while you were such a part of our conversation pointing us to listen to what God is saying, our reading for today came from 1 Peter 2, and included verses 19 and 20 – ‘For this finds favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a person bears up under sorrows when suffering unjustly. For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God.’

        Is that a coincidence? Wow!

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      2. Isn’t it incredible how we can give even just an inch, and God will use it for miles 🙂 And what a thought provoking idea– it really *isn’t* our activity that fulfills, it’s Christ. Amen to that 🙂 Oh my gosh, what a powerful verse. I can honestly say I have never heard that before, but WOW – it’s amazing how God’s Word is able to bring such comfort and enlightenment to a situation. And even if it is the same verse, you can read it again and again and then all of a sudden it can hit you in a brand new way. God is so good. Big hugs to you. I loved what you said to David, too. What a moving reflection he had. Much love to you and your family xox

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  10. Everyone is different and love can be so devastating it remains with you for over 40 years. Depending on the person some are strong others are not a stay for over six months in hospital was something that was needed. I have been married 37 years now
    but the affect still eats away at me as I was so young and innocent.

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  12. Thank you for sharing. I have enjoyed reading your blog.

    There is a place, in our own suffering, where we find more of Jesus. Phil. 3:10 says there is a “fellowship of His suffering,” and in that place we are closer to Him. He is not the author of the pain, but He will not waste the opportunity to show more of His great love for you in that place. God bless you and you will be in my prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is such a beautiful thought, Casey – He will not waste the opportunity to show more of His great love for us — wow. Bam. There it is. so true. Thanks for this beautiful and resonating encouragement. You are so good 🙂 hugs to you xox

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  13. Yes! So true. And when my daddy had his stroke, he changed too and dementia kicked up bigtime. And I would take care of him and my mom, who broke her hip at the same time and the bawl my eyes out on my way to take care of my husband and kids. And I wondered why and how much can I take and what can I learn. And I hit the same conclusion. Sometimes it is ok to fulfill a duty out of love for the only reason that live encompasses faithfulness of action as much as positive emotion. And in it I also learned my weakness, as I thought I was so tough and capable before, and God’s tireless and capable care of us all through it. I was spent so many times and cried out to God and He always provided that strength or patience or understanding, whatever was needed. Pray. You got this. More importantly, He does. Keep up the great work. Chin up. I have been where you are and I am on the other side, thankful to be but also to have done the right thing. Hugs!!! Love you! ❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Tonya, I am so sorry to hear that about your parents. That just breaks my heart. What a gift you were able to give them during that difficult time. And what powerful lessons you learned. It’s so true — He is always there and provides us the strength and grace that we need in that moment. God does have this. Thanks for being such a bright spot in my day today 🙂 much love to you xox

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I can’t imagine being early in recovery and having to become a caregiver. Are you taking care of you too? How’s that balance? I know we can do all things with His strength and I’m sure He’s growing you in powerful ways through this, just acknowledging as you’ve said in this post love is no easy endeavor. Praying He keeps you a full fountain of love. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi E, thank you so much for your prayers and kind words. It truly means the world. Yeah, that balance could be better, to be totally honest. I think sleep is the greatest area that needs improvement. A full fountain of love — what a beautiful thought that is. God is good, and He is the source of the “water!” Thanks so much for being a beacon of light 🙂 hugs xo

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  15. My dear Princess, this is what I have to say. You know I love you and it hurts sometimes. I can’t help not reading all your posts and commenting even if it is not reciprocal. Yet because I truly love you, I understand what you are going through and how difficult it is for you to do same with my posts.
    I think that is the same way you love your mum and want to do all it takes to help her. And yet, she may not be able to reciprocate or express herself the best way so you understand what’s going on and what you can do less or more… But you have to love anyway and then surrender the hurt to Jesus. You know it’s in the heart that love flows from, and without the heart there is no life. Hurt comes from the brain’s interpretation of life. Which is more powerful and which can be controlled… All to Jesus I surrender. TBT, I am going through a similar challenge with my own mother, not that she suffered a stroke but she has her own mental challenges and it impacts sometimes. Yet I love her and it hurts especially in moments like this. This morning at mass, we sang I surrender it all and I prayed for you because I read your post on my way to mass.
    With loads of love always

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    1. Thank you so much, Marie. Yeah, this is a particularly busy and difficult time to find a free moment. I really appreciate your patience in that 🙂 Thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement. Your words are always so eloquent and point to the Truth — yes — surrender my hurt to Jesus. Such a powerful and comforting thing to do. I’m so sorry to hear that your mom is going through a challenging time. I will definitely keep you and your mom in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there. this is a beautiful gift you are giving her. and amen – there is comfort in Jesus. big hugs to you x

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Wow man I felt myself tearing up reading this, you can feel the love and the despair and God has got this I swear even when it feels like the lights are going out, everything lands at the foot of the cross. A lot of love to you and your family right now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Natty, thank you so much! I’m so glad this hit home with you. And wow — what a beautiful thought — everything lands at the foot of the cross. That’s so powerful. I’m going to write that on a post it and pop it on my mirror 🙂 Thanks again my friend. you are a blessing to me. hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Keep going! Keep praying and keep hoping, open to whatever is next, and living in the present moment. Spoil yourself a bit when you can – favourite music, food, TV when there is time for it. Scented baths, books, when appropriate. Know that you are loved – enormously – by your Dad, by your Mum when she can think it, by your God. And by your friends. Doing well!

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    1. Living in the present moment. That is such great advice. And spoiling myself a bit — haha I like that!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 jk jk but I totally get what you’re saying — take some “me” time, whether that’s a nice bubble bath with a sugar scrub or just a pleasant walk to listen to my favorite music. Thank you so much for this, Mari. You are a blessing to me, and I’m very grateful for our friendship 🙂 sending massive hugs to you xox

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  20. I remember when it dawned on me that when you love, it sometimes brings terrible pain. I had a breakdown over one of my grandsons about 8 years ago. To watch what was happening in his life broke my heart. I had to leave the family for a few months and go live with my sisters. Even when I came home I wasnt ready, so I lived with my mother for another month.

    I’ve learned from Joyce Meyer how to give these feelings of love/pain to God. She says to just believe God is working. Not believe everything will turn out great, only believe he is working for you and your family. This brings me peace.

    Joyce always says, and this has helped me the most, to quote Scripture out loud. Find verses that help, write them down and say them out loud when you feel sad or overwhelmed. Doing this has saved my sanity. There is great power in God’s word.

    May God strengthen and comfort you and your family.

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    1. Thank you so much for your encouragement and prayers. Amen to that — there is such power in His word. I’m so sorry that you had to walk that road with your grandson. I’m glad that you had the support to get through that difficult period. That’s great advice — God is working. Thanks again. hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  21. This is a beautiful piece expressing such depth of love. It is a Christ-like love that suffers for others. Jesus said, “There is no greater love than to lay down your life for your friends,” and that is certainly what you are doing.

    If I may, I would like to suggest something that may help- please forgive me if you just needed a listener.

    I think it’s important that you know that asking others for help, and talking about the hurt is incredibly strong. It is true fortitude and humility. It is also another way to spread love, because, although you are seeking love from someone when you ask for help, you are granting them an opportunity to give you that love that you need. Don’t be afraid to talk to people you trust- it is a blessing to everyone involved.

    May the love of God which surpasses all knowledge and understanding keep you and be with you forever. Amen.

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    1. Thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement and prayer, Connor. That’s such great advice – asking for help or seeking support from others is really a good thing to do – i need to make sure I’m filled up so that I can continue to give. Thanks so much for your kindness. Big hugs to you xox

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  22. Dear one, it needs to be bigger than just you and Jesus, big as that is. Good work opening your heart here and getting good words. Please consider connecting with a prayer chain or prayer circle so you can know others are sharing the load. Consider daily Mass if available where you live or even on television which my neighbor relied on in a similar time. Can a priest or deacon bring you Communion? I usually avoid advice, but your situation really touches me. If I have overstepped, please forgive me.

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    1. Thank you so much for this, Elizabeth. I really appreciate this perspective and advice — truly! thank you! You have not overstepped at all! We have been going to mass every sunday and adoration when we can. My mom is hooked into several bible studies and they are all praying for us. But you’re right, I think doing something of those things as *me* and not *my mom and me* would be really good to do. so thank you for that 🙂 big hugs xox

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      1. Yes. You need a place to be honest without hurting your mom’s feelings. I’m a mom and I know it is hard to hear my daughter struggling with my health challenges. She needs a place to vent, as do you.

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  23. Carolyn, there’s nothing that anyone can say to change the basic fact that love does, in fact, hurt beyond belief sometimes.

    32 years ago (exactly on 20th Feb ’85 as it happens) my brother died in a road accident. After 32 years the love endures, and so does a certain level of pain with the loss. When my dad got cancer in ’99 we had 3 months to care for him and say goodbye. Watching him go was dreadful, and the activity of loving him hurt.

    The last 7 years my wife has been fighting for her life. Loving her has hurt, but she’s currently in remission and we’re about to emigrate to the UK for a while. Loving her has hurt these last years, but I don’t regret it. I’m sure loving me has hurt her just as much as we’ve fought to save her.

    But we were never told loving would be easy or painless.

    Jesus loved and it led Him to crucifixion. The Father loved and He had to watch His Son die because He loves us.

    Love and pain are intertwined so much that it’s impossible to remove them sometimes from one another, and the more you love, the more pain you can be exposed to.

    After Robin died (my brother), I shut down and refused to let anyone in. I never wanted that kind of pain again.

    I BEG you not to fall into that trap. It feels easy to start with, keeping everyone at a distance. But the hurt from not loving is so much worse than the hurt from loving and losing.

    I love my friends. I have few truly close friends now, having elected quality over quantity. I can count them on one hand, and leaving South Africa means leaving my three closest friends 9000 miles away – but I wouldn’t change having them as friends for anything.

    Then there are the people who have made a true difference in my life that I pray for regularly and I genuinely love. Some I see most days and some I’ve never actually met in person (you would be one of those btw). I wouldn’t change having those influences in my life, loving those people even though I hurt for them when they hurt, they make my life richer, more worthwhile. Less superficial.

    I’m certain I’m not alone when I say this, but know you are not carrying your pain alone. Through the medium of this blog you have people from all over the world who are praying for you, who are praying for your parents, and who love you as a beloved little (or older) sister.

    It’s a privilege to be allowed to share your story. Even if we never meet in this world, you are loved and prayed for, simply because like any true friend, you share yourself and take time to listen as well. That’s what friendship is about.

    Choose who you let in closely very carefully, but love people so they can love and support you. I don’t mean on WordPress, Patreon or You Tube. I mean in real life.

    As much as we all love your blog, remember to take time out for yourself. Unplug for a while. Literally. There’s a place I go sometimes a couple of hours drive from home where there’s no cellphone coverage, no land-line telephone, no TV. I go for 3 or 4 days and although they put in a microwave last time I was there, I cook over a fire and all you can hear is the sound of the waves on the shore literally a stone’s throw from the door (if you have a good arm!). It’s the kind of place where you can’t help but hear God’s voice and be refreshed – and the best part is going with people I love. No Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or any other “socialising”. Just real connection, real conversation, real support, and most importantly real Love.

    But don’t ever doubt you are loved. Even if loving hurts, believe an old cynic when I say it’s SO much better than not loving.

    As always, I’m praying for you.

    Genesis 2:18 (Complete Jewish Bible). Check it out on http://www.biblegateway.com – that specific translation. Just a thought for you from prayer…

    David

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    1. Hi David — wow I am so incredibly touched by this heart felt response. First of all, gosh, David, what a journey your life has been on. My heart just goes out to you and all that you’ve been through. I’m so glad that you’ve found a supportive community and friend group to join you along the way. You’re right – quality over quantity. That’s such a powerful way to live. And That’s such great advice – to unplug. I’ve been thinking about that too. To take some time to just have some mental “down time.” You are such a good friend, David, and I am so grateful that our paths crossed. You are a blessing to me. Thank you for the prayers and for passing along that link. I look forward to reading and reflecting on that today. Sending big big hugs to you xoxoxoxo

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      1. I once had a minister who heard my full testimony over at that point my 28 year life. After we had been talking for a few meetings he advised me not to tell people my life story in one go as most people would not believe how much had happened, and most would not be able to take in exactly how much Grace I’ve received as a result.

        We’ve had some real crap to wade through in what has now been almost 45 years, 32 since Robin died and 31 and a half as a Christian. And a lot of the hardest blows have been in the last seven years. It’s certainly been quite a journey, and it’s not over yet. I’m only halfway through Moses observation of “three-score years and ten or four score if we have the strength”. God’s own command was not more than an hundred and twenty years, so I’m about a third of the way through my target!

        But most people ask how I can still be optimistic after so much. My response is easy (now).

        One of my favourite ministers is Andrew Wommack, another was the late Dave Duell. Both of them have said the same thing: you only run into the enemy if you’re not going in his direction.

        Why would every step in my life where I’ve started to try to move in the direction I am certain God was moving me have had such resistance if it’s NOT God’s direction? My wife and I started to try to move back to England five years ago, after a lot of prayer and thought (in that order). Job offers fell through, visa issues arose, despite being British-born I can’t just take the lady I’ve been married to for nearly 14 years now to the country of my citizenship because my income in that country has not been sufficient for the last few months. So she has to have a job offer and a work visa, but God has opened the doors so far now:

        In November there was nothing on the cards. All the doors were closed. Then a few days before Christmas she got a call from an agency that had previously rejected her CV asking if they could submit it to a hospital group that had already said they didn’t want her. She said OK as we felt God’s hand could be in this since it wasn’t a door we could even see. Two days later they called to arrange an interview by Skype on 4th January because of the Christmas break.

        Interviewed at 4 to 5pm UK time on 4th January. (6pm to 7pm SA time).

        Called at 11am SA time – 9am GMT 5th January. Job offer extended to her in psychiatry. So impressed with her the hospital has applied to become a registered Sponsor for Non-EU overseas employees so they can employ her. The Home Office rarely gives these credentials away to an organisation that already has an offer extended because a requirement is that the post must be advertised first in the UK, then the EU before it can be offered outside. They only accept applications on 5th of each month from potential sponsors. Application was filed on 5th February and we had word of it’s successful completion yesterday. My wife has had to extend the starting date of her contract three times because of visa delays. The hospital spoke to her directly and said not to worry, they will wait and hold the post as long as it takes so they can employ her. She’s just waiting now for the result of an English Language exam to prove she can speak English, despite being a member of the General Medical Council doctor’s registration already and having been lectured in medicine in English. The examiner she saw last week was not a native English speaker, a beautiful irony. She grew up in South Africa during apartheid, but has to complete a self-defence course in England before she can start work there. These delaying tactics now are bordering on comical, except they have held things up another month. But now all our ducks are in a row and we just have to wait the final decision for her actual visa application to be processed.

        So no matter how dark things have been, no matter how hard the winter, dawn breaks. Spring comes again. Even the enemy cannot stop the seasons changing.

        On reflection, Love isn’t what hurts though. Our pastor met with us this week and listened to my wife’s story and simply pointed out that the story will not change, but the lie is how the enemy frames the picture it creates. Like a painting hung behind tinted glass looks nothing like the real image, when the frame is changed, the true colours appear.

        I’m still learning to look for the fake frames. My grandfather was a preacher and a few weeks before he went Home he called me, very excited, because at the age of 80 God was showing him something new in a passage he’d studied since he was 16. 64 years later, God was still reframing the image for him, so I definitely don’t expect to see everything clearly after 32!

        Much love and hugs my friend XOXO

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      2. thank you so much for this reflection, David. wow, congrats on your wife for her new job! God is so good. I’ve never heard of that preacher, but wow, what a powerful quote. so true. I willl have to look him up! I love what you wrote so much — it’s true, the dawn breaks. Spring comes again. There is so much hope in that. thanks for sharing and stopping by and just being amazing. big hugs xox

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    2. David, I wanted to wait for Caralyn to respond first to you before I did. Thank you for what you wrote. It caught my heart and deeply touched me. You took all the words out of my mouth, and I was amazed by the resonance your reply created in me.

      I agree with you totally. In fact, we shared what you wrote in our family devotions today, and since I decided to respond to the urging of, I believe, God prompting me to start to share my story, by launching my blog, I’ve begun to gain a far deeper appreciation of community and shared lives. I share your view of friendship, and know what a vast distance needs to be crossed once a person becomes ‘…receding; a distant ship’s smoke on the horizon’ to quote Roger Waters in ‘Comfortably Numb’.

      God bless you, my brother, with much joy, fellowship of intimacy with Him that goes ‘farther in and farther up’, and His presence with you closer than a shadow.

      Many regards,
      Indi

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  24. It’s a tough balance to strike. On the one hand, care giving involves patient love and making space for those in our care to vent their frustration. Their lives have been changed, stopped short, confined and otherwise messed up in ways hard to appreciate.

    At the same time, our own health and dignity – essential to caring for them! – demand that there be some healthy boundaries, that we not allow a dysfunctional relationship to emerge where we become an emotional punching bag for them to work out stuff.

    It is early here and I’m sure I’m mixing metaphors. But I hope the point comes through. Thinking of you.

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    1. Thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement. You’re right – her life has been turned on its head and I 100% empathize with what she must be going through. I can’t even imagine. But you’re right, I have to make sure that I am filling up my own tank too. There’s another metaphor to throw in the mix 😉 haha thanks again. big hugs xox

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  27. To help you .. I’m reading Ann Voskamp’s “The Broken Way” – I promise that reading it will give you some great perspective, energy and understanding the bigger process in the weariness. Truly, it’s what you do when you are at the end of you that God uses. The people witnessing your care (I mean online, neighbors and yeah, family) are seeing real love. Love that only kicks in when it’s inconvenient and bothersome.

    You are the real deal. By all means find the rhythm of rest – I mean for body, soul and mind (get the book; it’s on Kindle if that matters) – but also by all means, don’t give up. Prayers are going up for you which means strength will come down.

    Blessings,

    John

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    1. Hi John, thanks so much for this. The Broken Way – I will definitely look into that. I have never had the luxury of time to read, and though I still don’t really have that time, I think I could make some time here in this season, as it is more conducive to quiet time. Thanks for passing that along. I think that’s so true – God uses us when we are at the end of ourselves…what a powerful thought. Thanks again for this beautiful encouragement and for your continued prayers. You are a real deal friend 🙂 hugs xox

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  28. just taking a moment to read this post is all it needs for me to think over a lot of things and evaluate a lot of decision. I can boldly say that your post has made me a better person. Grace and strength to you too to practice as you have written.

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  29. The pain and challenge that inevitably comes up from love is (I’m sure you know) a gift in itself. This is especially true in marriage, which is why we go so far as to call that a sacrament (a means of grace); but any self-giving love or holy passion will lead to pain of some sort. Hence the “passion” of our Lord is both about his suffering & death as well as about his love for those for whom he died. You’re sharing in his sufferings as you offer yourself as a “living sacrifice” in this time of service to your mother and the rest of your family.

    It’s a beautiful thing, and a place where God’s grace is clearly evident and readily available. And as you endure the suffering, that grace will have a transformative impact upon you (and likely others), growing you in sanctification / making you more like Christ. As everyone else is saying, what you’re doing is a beautiful thing, and your endurance not only does you credit, but reflects the infinite endurance and love of our Lord and Savior.

    God bless!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Fr. Bench, thank you so much for this insightful response. What a powerful thought — Jesus’s death was an act of both suffering and incredible love. I do feel that God is holding up my family right now. His grace is amazing. Thank you for this beautiful encouragement. I am humbled by your kind words and honored that you would take the time to read my blog. God bless xox

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  30. (((hugs))) to you sweet one! You are such a light, even when you’re feeling the darkness. Please remember that you need to take care of yourself too. It’s very easy to give and give and give – be open to receiving. Do something for yourself today – if it’s asking your dad for a hug, or taking a walk or having some quiet time – do something for YOU. ❤ sending you much love and lifting you up ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. oh Erin, thank you so much. what a kind thing to say. You’re right – I’m going to take a minute for myself today. Because in order to be able to give, I have to be full myself Thanks for that encouragement. big hugs to you xo

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  31. “Love is not always a walk in the park. Love is a choice. And I am realizing that now more than ever. Even if that means enduring some tough moments that leave me feeling raw or with a trampled spirit.
    We are called to love. Even when it hurts.” How much this RINGS truth in “this moment” of my life. A reversed experience however of mother to child. Keeping my eyes on Christ crucified always brings hope, because it is there I am reminded the Triumph does not rest in the pain of the crucifixion….but rather in JOY of the resurrection which follows! HUGS to you dear one for patiently enjoying the “hurt” until you might celebrate the Joy of New Life together!!

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  33. I believe one of the hardest lessons we learn in this life is to love even when that emotion is not returned. That is especially true when a parent, spouse, or close family member is involved. I watched dementia turn my once vibrant, life-loving and love-giving grandmother into an empty shadow of her former self. My saintly mother cared for my grandmother through the mental confusion and physical deterioration with both love and frustrated, angry tears. My dad would always be there, giving my mom a break when she had given her all. Through my mom’s example, I saw unconditional love. I saw love extended without it being returned. I saw moments where charity shone.
    That being said, love came with an emotional cost. My mom did need breaks. She did need help. There were times other family members stepped in so my mom could recharge her emotional resources. She was a better care-giver after she had taken some few moments to be a care-receiver. Take care of yourself, too, as you so selflessly care for your dear mother. Angels hold you up.

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    1. Thank you, Thunker, for sharing this. Wow, it sounds like your mom is a pretty incredible woman. I’m sorry that you had to watch your grandmother go through that. You’re right, it’s so very hard. Thanks for the encouragement. I do believe that God is holding up my family and I right now. I am very grateful for that. And for you, my friend 🙂 big hugs xox

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  36. The truth of the cross in three words: grace transforms everything 🙂 “It’s by many afflictions that we enter into the kingdom,” Holy Scripture says. Every Christian is called by faith and grace to suffer together with Jesus. The matyr is someone who suffers martyrdom: the word „martyria“ means „testimony“. It is our work to give testimony to our Christian Faith even in the midst of horrendous suffering; in this way we are bearers of divine life.

    Blessings to you,
    Mark

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  37. You touched my heart. My family is Catholic and I am reminded of when my mom was ill. I was the not favored child. You have my prayers for your mom. It is so difficult but she is with you. My mom is gone.

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  38. Caring for someone with dementia, whether temporary or permanent, is very different than caring for someone without. We give so much more with often little to nothing in return. We go into it lovingly and accepting the challenges, but the reality of practice day after day can be disheartening and stressful. It takes a toll on the caregiver.

    We need our mother’s love no matter how old we are. When it isn’t as it used to be, it hurts. You are mourning a loss, and need to take the time to do that.

    Keep in mind that you are of no value to your mother if you are emotionally or physically depleted. You absolutely have to walk away from time-to-time. I learned that the hard way and nearly paid for it with my own life. And then where would my loved one be? If you are feeling the strain or overwhelming sadness that comes with the territory, please take a break–daily, weekly, and monthly. Much love to you.

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    1. Thank you so much Mary. I’m sorry that you know first hand the challenges it brings. I’m so glad you got through that tough time. That’s a powerful lesson you learned, that I very much appreciate you passing along. You’re right, I need to readjust how I look at taking those breaks – it isn’t selfish or bad…it’s actually good and necessary because it allows me to continue to have something to give. I’m going to NYC for a shoot and to go to one of my best friend’s birthday party in a couple weeks, so that will be a nice time to get away. thanks for the constant encouragement and positivity. You are a blessing to me 🙂 big hugs xox

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  39. I have some complaints about that rascal behind the curtain, too. I’m starting to see your honesty poking through. I never thought I would. Wow! Miracles do happen.

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    1. The problem with “the rascal behind the curtain” is “free will.” Love says “let there be more of you in the world.” When the beloved uses that power to hurt others, the lover is confronted with a choice. Unconditional Love must change allegiances to the wounded party. Thus it is taught: you can neither earn nor control the Father; we can only follow Jesus, and surrender to the Father’s guidance. That guidance is compassion for the suffering of others.

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      2. 1944 It is time for war, as some might say, a Pearl Harbor day has dawned. I didn’t ask for this war. It came at me. So let me explain as explanations can be. Hee hee hee hee heee. The Question of the Article of whether love hurts, I responded to the topic.. Now you bring another. Please put a post of your own to be able myself to respond to topic. Please. As, [pif]. No offense, blog owner.

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      4. I don’t know your credentials. I don’t know you. I’m sorry, but I was a little miffed at your directness toward me without a proper introduction.

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      1. Well, sometimes, life must be put into symbolics in order to understand abstracts. As, my reference here being to the unjust judge who would not hear the widow, but only for her incessant pleadings that he would finally deign to hear her case (Luke 18, if you must). Obviously, I am being attacked not only by you but your readers on your blog, so I refrain from further future use of your wordplay. I didn’t come here for contention. But it seems others have, so good-bye. Hasta nunca. I believed that Bible talk was welcome here, but I see it is not.

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      2. Hi Daniel, I’m sorry that you feel that I was being hostile — I definitely was not, and I apologize if it came off that way. I was simply asking for your clarity as to what you meant by the rascal behind He curtain. I was genuinely asking because I didn’t understand where you were coming from, since I don’t think I mentioned a rascal in my post. Although I am severely sleep deprived, so forgive me if I am remiss! 🙂 Anywho, I hope you decide to come back. All are always welcome 🙂 have a beautiful day. Hugs and love xox

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  40. I have learned, that love needs to be unconditional, but also that when we love someone it doesnt mean we have to love everything they do, or refuse to do. loving someone and loving a behavior do not need to go hand in hand. sending you strength and faith, and yes, love #StrictMotivation

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  41. You captured the feeling perfectly. My mom recently passed away from her lung disease but the emotionally charged room is exactly what I felt. I couldn’t even put the right amount of Splenda in her iced tea. Loving through the hurt is so hard, but now that I see my presence made a difference, it’s all forgotten. I just remember the love without the hurt. Your parents need you now more than ever and your love for them is very evident. God Bless.

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    1. Hi Christa, thank you so much for sharing this. I’m so sorry for your loss. Gosh, my heart is just breaking for you. I’m glad though that you are able to look back and feel the love that was present, even when things were challenging. Thank you for your encouragement, it really means a lot. You and your family are in my prayers during this difficult time. Sending big hug s XO

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  42. Dearest Caralyn:

    To love is to become a doorway by which God enters the world. Jesus himself testified that he did not do the work:
    John 14:9-12
    Mark 10:18

    And the heartbreaking:
    Matthew 27:46
    expressing the hurt of having those he came to serve slam the door in his face.

    Only God can heal certain wounds. We can but bring him into the room. As he said on so many occasions: “Your faith has healed you.”

    Wishing you peace with all my heart,

    Brian

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    1. Hi Brian, thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement. Wow! To love is to become a doorway by which God enters the world. What a powerful statement. I’m going to keep that with me for the rest of the week. Thanks again! You are good. Hugs

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  43. So good. Love does hurt. One of my favorite books is “Hinds Feet on High Places.” and the Shepherd tells Much Afraid “Love and pain go together…but it is so happy to love.” I’ve thought and prayed about you and your mom since reading about her stroke. I’m glad to know she is doing better. Stay in the game and all.

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    1. Thank you so much. Hinds Feet on High Places – I’ll have to look into that book. Thanks for passing it along. And gosh, that is so kind of you. Thank you for your continued prayers for my family and I. It means more than you know. I really appreciate the kindness. Sending humongous hugs!

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  44. So beautifully written. It brings memories of my mother who developed dementia before she died. She was often cruel, but I could see the struggle and hurt in her eyes, and reading this also brings back my fun loving, strong, hard working mother to my mind. She took care of us, now it was our turn to take care of her. Brings to mind a song, I think from the 60’s, He’s not Heavy, He’s my Brother.
    Sending good thoughts and prayer your way. What you are doing now will bring you many rewards within.

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    1. Oh thank you so much for this kind response. I so appreciate your prayers and good thoughts. I’m so sorry you had to go through that with your mother. I hope that you can look back and see only those joyful moments. What you have to her was a gift 🙂 thanks again my friend. Hugs and love xox

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  46. Hi Caralyn,

    Unfortunately (but there’s always a blessing hidden somewhere, I’m sure), the truth is that love does hurt. Actually, I don’t think that it’s real or true unless it hurts somehow at some point and as you said, you still choose to continue to love. If love isn’t real and it starts to hurt or be a burden, love leaves. When I was getting divorced from my 1st husband, I was in so much despair that the Psychologist wasn’t enough. I went to our Catholic priest. I learned then that love is a decision – a decision to be committed to love, even when you’re so irritated, tired, upset, discouraged, despondent, etc. It is a conscious decision every morning when we wake up that we will continue to love even when we don’t feel like it. And that’s not easy. That can hurt.

    My mom used to tell me that loving someone who loves me is easy; nothing special about that. We must love despite not being loved, even when we are hurt. I didn’t understand it and I thought she was strange until I had my first real love and I had to leave the country. It hurt so much that I could almost touch it but at the same time the love was so strong and heartwarming. It was the weirdest thing. That love never faded even though it had to be kept in the background and in a slightly different form.

    Your love for your mom and your parents isn’t so different, I think, from God’s love for you, and your love for God, too. There’s quite a bit of pain right now. It’s part of our journey. If we get through the pain, the hurdle, we are stronger and the bind is tighter and can weather more, even stronger storms, in the future.

    Keep the faith; keep the love!

    Sending you big love from my side and lots of hugs
    Anne
    xxx

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing this, Anne. You’re right — love is a decision. I love that so much. A conscious decision. That sounds like such an challenging season. I’m sorry you had to endure that, but it sounds like you learned some pretty powerful life lessons. I’m glad you’ve kept the faith and kept the love. Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I do feel like my family’s bond is tighter than ever before. big hugs to you xox

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  48. I know how hard it is to love someone that feels their own body has betrayed them. I was married to my 1st wife for 32 years and the last 18 of it she was disabled. She passed away in 2011 and there were times her anger was overwhelming. She wasn’t mad at me but she felt cheated and she struck out at the only one she could. I will leave you with the words of the Apostle Paul:
    9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

    You are in my prayers, my friend.

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    1. Hi Eric, thank you so much for sharing this. I’m so sorry to hear that your wife has passed on to Heaven. My heart goes out to you. That must have been a tough journey. But how wonderful to know that we will all be reunited one day 🙂 What a comforting verse. His grace really has been raining down on my family and I, as cheesy as that may sound. But it’s so true. Thank you so much for your prayers. It really means the world. Big hugs to you xox

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  50. I have a muscle disease and have been struggling immensely with physical health as well as the emotional impact my health has brought upon me. I know it must be hard for my husband who gives his unconditional love at all times to not always have the happy positive wife that I once was at all times. Keep the faith that your mom’s soul is the same and her heart is the same and on that soul level you can meet and feel the bond and joy even if not physically in the room.

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    1. Oh gosh, Bethany, I am so sorry that you’re having to navigate that journey. I will definitely keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. That’s such a powerful thought: that her soul and heart are the same. I actually told her that today : that even when she was in the hospital and couldn’t really speak, that I could feel that same soul and love and heart in just the way she was holding my hand. This was such a beautiful response. thanks again. hugs xox

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      1. Thank you for the loving thoughts and I appreciate all prayers!!! I will keep you and your mother in mine too.

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