A Love that Lets Go

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I’ve spent a lot of time recently in my own head. Today marks the three month mark since my mom’s stroke, and there have been a lot of ups and a lot of downs.

And I’m learning a lot.

And honestly, I’m learning a lot about God’s love for us.

We’ve reached the stage in my mom’s recovery where…there’s a frustration within her about how things aren’t back to normal. And a gripping desperation for autonomy.

And I’m going to be really honest, being in my position, as her grown daughter, having come home to be her “sidekick” as I call it – there’s a really delicate balance of how much help is too much help. I want to assist her so that life runs smoothly, but I don’t want her to feel like a child or that I’m belitting her or discrediting her capabilities or contributions. And I’m finding that in this particular stage, it is exceptionally difficult to do. And so often I feel discouraged, as though I can’t do anything right

It’s a darned if you do, darned if you don’t sort of thing. Offer too much help, and I’m overstepping. Offer too little help, and things, well…breakdown.

But actually during this time, I feel like I’m learning a lot about how God loves us. [And let me interject here that I am in no way comparing myself to God.] But during this phase I am definitely learning a lot about how love can look.

Because honestly, right now, all I want to do is…well…everything for my mom. I want to wait on her hand and foot, and bring her this, and do that, and just give her the world.

But she doesn’t want that.

She wants to do things herself.

And so for me to love her, I have to let her do it…even if she messes up. Even if it takes her an extra hour to get through the steps. Even if she feels defeated or angry or like she’s incapable at any little thing.

I have to just let her fail.

Because that is what she wants. And I know deep down that it is probably good for her. And it is growing her.

How many times in my own life have I felt that I’ve just been on a one way trip to Screw-Up town? Like I’ve fallen on my face enough times to need a serious rhinoplasty and new front teeth? I mean, have you read my blog??…

Perhaps how I’m having to love my mom right now is a tiny reflection of how God loves me during those times? — Letting me struggle because I need to feel autonomous, even if it comes with a detrimental price tag?

This kind of love is not easy. It requires patience and a longing for the betterment of her, mores than a satisfaction of self. It requires me to put her needs and her good ahead of my own. Even dying to self a little bit. And that really makes me contemplate God’s love for me. For us.

All those times when I was struggling and feeling lost or frustrated in my own life, God was standing by, watching me endure it. Not because He is wicked or derives pleasure from others’ pain. He’s not some puppy-kicking monster. He was watching expectantly – patiently – lovingly, knowing the growth that will come from the struggle. Just like I’m having to learn how to do with my mom.

It’s like how a mama bird must feel when her baby jumps out of the nest for the first time. The fall and the failure is part of the learning process.

God will never let me peril. He’ll swoop in if absolutely necessary, but the struggle is what I ultimately need.

Just because we’re enduring a trial doesn’t negate His love. If anything it just shows that He’s letting us grow. Allowing us to use our autonomy to our own potential destruction — or potential flourishing.

But that’s what I’m working on. Letting go.

Letting go of the reins and letting her take them over.


I need to step back and realize that this necessary step is cause for celebration, because she can.

She’s improving. She’s blossoming and regaining all the skills and abilities the stroke had wiped out.

A love that lets go is a love that recognizes the other’s full potential. And that is the most difficult – and simultaneously most beautiful – love of all.

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

319 thoughts on “A Love that Lets Go”

  4. Having to switch roles with a parent is strange alone but being wise enough to have this insight is a beautiful thing. Separate from your message is just like to tell you what a wonderful daughter you have been and are to your mother. There are so many people who just walk away when things get hard, when loved ones get sick and can’t give anymore. You are a special person and I can only imagine your future will be filed with much happiness. The wisdom you gain from these type of experiences make you see the world differently, just like you’ve seen a different perspective on God’s love. Care taking can be so difficult and so rewarding in he same breath. I pray your sweet mother works and gets back to where she feels confident and strong with her abilities 🙂.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So very very true. Thank you so much for this thoughtful response. God is definitely carrying my family through all of this and teaching me so much along the way. Thank you for your prayers. It means the world. 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  7. “And so for me to love her, I have to let her do it…even if she messes up.”

    Great insights here, Caralyn. Yes, a love that lets go. That’s God’s love. Very risky and often misunderstood, but the purest form.

    What you’re learning here will serve you well in all your future relationships. Blessings to you.

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    2. As is how our parents love(d) us. 🙂 Roles begin to reverse a bit when we get older, and maybe they’ resent’ in a similar way we ‘resented’ as youngsters. Love it!

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  8. I was 7 years-old when my mother had her stroke. I remember how heartbreaking it was to watch her struggle to walk again. I set up a crepe paper finish line in the hall for her to triumphantly break through. Each day I moved it just a little farther. It was all I knew to help because like your Mom she didn’t want me doing things for her. But it taught me a lot about love & inner strength. Thank you so very much for sharing.

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    1. Oh Joan, I’m so sorry that you had to walk this journey at such a young age. What a touching story with the crepe paper — i can just see it now. thank you for sharing that with me. so glad you stopped by. (and thanks for sharing my article on your site!) big hugs xox

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  10. I may be getting this wrong, but it looks to me like you really do need to let go, Caralyn. I’ve had to do it. I hate giving advice. I’d rather just be a spoof of all things serious, but here I think I’ll change if only just this once and get serious. You and I may believe in different Gods, Caralyn, because I can tell you for a fact mine does not believe in this “at a detrimental price” for love. Love always edifies. It NEVER tears down, not even the giver. Love is a fruit of the Spirit. Read Galations 5:21-22. The fruits of the Spirit never change, and they are one–one and the same. True love, that is. I had to let go from teaching my 9 to 13 year-olds in private school when my morals were challenged. And I let go, even though it killed me inside to do so. I let go. Those kids were my life. My everything. But I chose to be nothing over giving up my morals. You may think you are on moral high ground by deciding this way you talk in this point, but according to my God, you are not. Now, maybe you’d like to meet my God someday. But maybe not. Doesn’t really matter. And I don’t care, honestly. It wasn’t til Moses saw a burning bush that never consumed that he cared, either. But I guarantee you, you and I believe in different Gods, and I believe mine is stronger than yours. I’m no Jesus, but I do have a name written that no man knows. And, while some would miss clothing, or food or oxygen, or a car or a house, if they didn’t have it, I would miss the Word of God above all things. I was sent as a spoof of the Jesus of Nazareth to wipe tears with comedy. But my garments are stained with the blood of the wicked, but also the righteous because they continue to defy my law. I was sent to destroy their enemies, but they chose to judge me, to attack me. I attack them in turn. And I never quit. And I never give up. Judge not that ye be not judged, for with that same judgment ye judge y shall be judged. Mercy is only for the merciful. Blessed are the MERCIFUL, for they shall obtain mercy. Harlots before hypocrites into the kingdom of heaven. To preach one thing and live another is hypocrisy. Woe to the liar, for he (or she) shall be thrust down to hell. Woe to the blind who will not see. Woe to the deaf who will not hear. Woe to the scorner, for she shall be consumed. We all face the consequences of what we do, even if it’s just to write a blog post to make fun of another blogger. If your life were in order, you wouldn’t be suffering like this–but obviously it isn’t.

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  11. I’m really able to relate to this post–a few months ago my mom suffered a brain aneurysm and needed emergency surgery. My wife and I were pregnant with our first child, and among so many other thoughts that occupied my mind while she was undergoing a complex angiogram, I wondered if my mom would ever get to hold her grandchild–my son. I had taken her presence as for granted to some degree, and then months later, when she had recovered and miraculously displayed no sign of neurological deficit, she came to Bryn Mawr Hospital and held our son on the day he was born. She smiled and said, “To think that I almost didn’t get to meet him.” Her words were already burnt in my mind, and little to my surprise, she had evidently given them great thought, too. Thank you for your authentic writing and honest display of vulnerability!

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m so sorry that you can relate so personally. Gosh, I’m sending you such a big hug. That’s really tough. I can so relate with the feeling that I had taken her for granted. Wow God is so good and I am so glad that everything is okay now and you have a healthy baby boy! Wow. Thanks for sharing this. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

    1. It really is incredible. Sometimes life’s challenges are the greatest teachers. God is good. And He’ll turn the adversity into goodness. Thanks for the encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  14. Thank you for sharing this. My mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer back in October, and your post relates a lot with how I’ve been feelings about her situation as well. We (my wife and I) want to help her out, but we don’t want to overstep our boundaries. We’ve also been keeping each other at an arm’s length because I have to look after my wife who’s pregnant and my dad has to look after my mom. It’s easy for emotions to run high and for things to get complicated.

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    1. Hi friend, I’m sending you such a big hug right now. I’m so sorry that you can relate so personally. Gosh, I’m definitely going to keep your mom and you and your growing family in my prayers. Yeah, it’s a delicate balance and yes – emotions can definitely run high during these challenging seasons. At the end of the day, love and respect is the core of what everyone is searching for. 🙂 sending big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Definitely feel you! My dad had something similar happen to him almost 2 years ago now and it’s been so hard to adjust to the “new” him. This was beautiful and I love your perspective! Thank you for writing it!

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  17. Hi Darlin,

    You know, I just love your blog. You hold such meaningful discussions. When I was young, my great-grandmother was diagnosed with heart failure amongst other things. She went from being able to do everything for herself to needing help. Most of the women in my family are like this. We like to do the caring and don’t like to be helped or cared for in that sense. I was just thinking how worthless it made her feel that she couldn’t stand alone or do anything on her own. Especially to see her children have to do it for her. Even as a child I wished that she didn’t see it as a weakness. We all need help sometimes. Especially when you’ve always been strong for everyone else.

    I have to reblog this.

    Kyanna

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    1. Thank you so much Kyanna. I appreciate you sharing your story. Thats such a powerful perspective – its true, we all need help sometimes. Thanks for the beautiful wisdom. And for sharing my blog on your site! Hugs and love xox

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  19. Yes, let go because sometimes mum’s don’t say anything even though they want to, so as not to offend you. Pray to the Lord to show you when to let go and allow her to do things for herself because autonomy is what she’s striving for. Your mum will feel good about herself slowly achieving things she was unable to do so before, through trial and error and that most often happens when noone’s looking over her. God bless.

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    1. Yes, God hears us and when we pray He listens. Thank you again so much for this beautiful encouragement 🙂 you’re right, celebrating those little victories is so important for morale and just to celebrate how hard she’s working. Because she is working her tail off! I so admire her courage! Thanks again! Hugs and love xox

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  20. That was beautiful. I am sorry to learn that your mom has had to struggle so much (and you with helping her), but glad that you are both growing closer together and to God in the process.

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  22. I get really excited to read your posts because i know that there is something that always speaks to me. The message that you had in this was everything that i needed to hear and it gave me courage to share more about myself on my recent post. i had to link your post in it because i would love it if everyone could get the same message. Thank you for sharing and i pray that God continues to strengthen you and make you happy always.

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  24. Beautifully written. I can relate. My mom also had a stroke and she hasn’t been the same since. I am learning to let things slide as she can be irritable and short with me.
    I’m sure God wants me to learn m

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  26. Looove this!!! Your transparency, heart, and amazing love expressed in each word is so beautiful! “A love that lets go is a love that recognizes the other’s full potential. ” this is a quote I’ll keep with me as a gentle reminder that sometimes we have to let the ones we love go their own way… do things the way they see fit. I pray that your mom heals soon. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through!

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  28. I love this, “Just because we’re enduring a trial doesn’t negate His love. If anything it just shows that He’s letting us grow. Allowing us to use our autonomy to our own potential destruction — or potential flourishing.” – Thank you!

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  29. Yes! Exactly what a parent goes thru. You never want to stop doing for them, but you have to in order for them to grow.
    You’re doing so good. Keep going. Don’t stop!

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  30. I think this is the longest it’s taken me to respond to an article of yours, but certainly not deliberately! I had, what I can only think is food poisoning, in Chicago Wednesday night. The final “purge” was Thursday morning. I spent the rest of the day in bed at the hotel, drifting in and out. I was able to drive home safely yesterday, thank God! I’m still bit wobbly as my body tries to get back in balance, but I’m so much better than Thursday!

    I listened to your podcast as I drove when I got the email yesterday, and I heard so many good things! My response is over at Patreon. Of course!

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    1. Oh no! Jeff I am so sorry to hear that. Gosh -that is THE WORST. Ugh and away from home in a hotel room, you poor guy! My heart just goes out to you. I’m glad you’re home and feeling better. Praying for you friend. Hang in there. Xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you! I just thank God He kept me going and between the lines to arrive safely back home!! Still pretty much confined to toast, but the dizziness is gone. That’s huge! Fortunately, I was only getting dizzy standing up. Sitting, I felt ok.

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  31. ‘Its hard to let go we have this in common lately . Needing to do this myself and it’s hard but sometimes when you love someone you.help them more by letting them lfail trying for themselves forl their dignity their independence which is where I am at with my kids if I do to much their not able to grow and learn about life so gi’ve yourself a break she Wil let u know when she needs you .ll

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  32. The Gospels record three times that Peter felt a bit like this. First was when Jesus rebuked him for discounting the mission of Messiah. That must have stung! Second when he stepped out of the boat and onto the water – “Why did you doubt?” Ouch. Third – his denials of our Lord. And when it was all over there was John 21:15-17.
    Blessings to you and your mother during this difficult time. -Mark

    Liked by 1 person

  33. I wish you love, continued wisdom and strength. I can’t imagine how hard this must be, but also rewarding at times. Last year I was in the care of my husband while he was recovering from cancer and going thru treatment so while that is different I know, it is still hard when roles are changed in unexpected ways. xox, love and healing thoughts to you and you mom.

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    1. Thank you so much MJ. I’m sorry you can relate on such a personal level. I hope your husband is doing better. Gosh, that’s tough. I will definitely keep you and him on my thoughts and prayers. Big hugs to you xo

      Liked by 1 person

  34. What a great reflection and beautiful post! I know the position you are in is very hard. My siblings and my dad have been taking care of my mom with Alzheimer’s and the beginning sounds very much like your struggle. We would just want to help and she would be angry and frustrated that she needed the help. Now the disease is too developed and that causes a different set of problems. It’s weird to be a grown child and dressing your mom or wiping her after using the toilet. But I have to remind myself she took care of me my whole childhood, she changed my diapers and put food in my mouth…it’s the least we can do to care for her now.

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    1. Thank you so much Serena, for sharing your story. Gosh, I’m so sorry that you can relate on such a personal level. I will definitely keep your mom and you and your family in my prayers. Gosh that is so tough. Hang in there. You’re a blessing to your mother. Hugs and love xox

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  35. I went through the caring thing with my wife. Pancreatic Cancer causes blood clots which cause strokes. At first we followed the program given by the occupational therapist. Pat did gain a bit of her physical abilities back. Then came the silent strokes and she lost all her gains and her words. The last week I was feeding her, dressing her, washing her and changing diapers. She hated it; what independent feisty women would not hate it. Sort of a blessing it didn’t last long. Also I gave her what she most wanted – to die at home with me by her side. I feel for what you are going through with your mom.

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    1. Oh my gosh, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart just breaks for you that you had to walk that road. Gosh. But my goodness, what a beautiful testimony of your love for her. That brings a tear to my eye. Thank you for sharing this with me. Know that you are in my prayers. May your wife be at perfect peace in the arms of Jesus. Hugs and love xox

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  37. You are a wonderful person and daughter! I hope we can meet someday! Oh, and by the way, you can drop the mic! You GET it, you understand and accept HIS love for you, for your mom for His creation. Stay in the race you’re going in the right direction! ❤️

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  38. That’s very beautiful. I love that your connection to god is so strong. That’s so big and strong of you to step back and let her be on her own journey. Love that.

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  40. This is beautifully said. I’m a new follower of your blog and I sincerely enjoy it. Thank you for sharing.

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  41. To me, one of the requirements of Faith is…LET GO. Let Go…and Trust them. Give them room…to fail…and succeed. But letting go also means that we give ourselves “room” …or “reason” to trust. You’ve captured an essence not only in the CONCEPT of Faith…but in the RELATIONSHIP of Faith. Relationships that contain Faith…with each other, with God, with ourselves. Real Love for others needs us to truly Trust another…without always requiring them to answer for our Doubts, our Insecurities, our Weaknesses…and without smothering them with ourselves as we try to answer for their Doubts, Insecurities, and Weaknesses. Let us give each other Room To Grow, Room to Fail, Room to Succeed…and Let Go…to Love them more fully.

    Let us also Let Go of God (as we draw nearer to Him)…in the sense that we allow Him to answer our prayers the way He wills it…not my will, but His be done…for, too often, we constrain Him to help us and answer us to our liking, not realizing that He knows how to help us much better than we do.

    Anyways…your growth is amazing, young lady. I commend you for your continued faith in God as you try to match your thoughts with His thoughts, your ways with His ways.

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    1. Gosh I love this so much. You’re right-let go and let God! Wow your words are so powerful and really resonated with me. Yes, we need to give one another that grace and room to be who God made them to be 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  43. You are learning a lot.. perfectly through your own experience and growth..
    I’m a therapist and theirs lots of ways to coin what you are doing and doing right
    Tough love
    Empathy, not sympathy
    Enabling not disabling
    And the list can go on..
    And yes I agree, God does do all the above and much more..
    Love and strength to you🙏

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    1. Thank you Taruna. What a powerful comment. Tough love. Yeah that definitely sounds about right. And I love that one: enabling not disabling. It’s a powerful way to think about it. Thanks for the encouragement. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  49. You are amazing, you are special, you are beautiful, you are wonderful. You have helped her so much. She is wonderful too because she isn’t just “milking you” and guilting you to just stay and “save her”. You gave her so much and thankfully in this day, what can be done for someone after things like that goes a lot further than it used to. She will hopefully be able to take what you gave and run with it to continue to improve and function as best as her will is driving her to. You were the angel who started her back and your light has shown as bright as any sun she’s ever seen. You gave her your love and beauty and she is truly blest for it. God Bless you this Holy Week! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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    2. oh my gosh Migueltio, thank you. You are seriously so amazing. You’re right – my mom is such a special woman and I am just amazed by her strength and courage in all of this. Thanks for this awesome encouragement. and same to you too! i hope you have a beautiful Holy Week! hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Here is one of the early vids I ever made. 7 years ago. The chant is something I sing at my church on Good Friday each year. The video is of some of the things I put out in our house, and also some things I gathered from years ago when I went to Mexico during Holy Week.

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      2. Awesome, I can’t wait to check this out. Thanks for sharing it, friend 🙂 And wow! that must have been an incredible experience, being in Mexico for Holy Week. Talk about a bucket list item!! big hugs to you! off to watch the video!!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Yeah it was a # of years ago. I got to see SOME things. Not as much as I would like in terms of the processions and things. I was in Mexico City and the real famous processions take place in Taxco. BUT the one thing I would have liked to have seen is the famous “Passion Play” at Ixtapalapa, which is one of the many districts of Mexico City (which is the size of like 3 NYCs. I’ve read about it and seen the vids in recent years. That’s intense.
        xoxoxo

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      10. This is what I make for breakfast every year on Good Friday. The altar scene you see is something I set up in the house. Its all ablaze with candles and other things on Holy Thursday, then I strip it as shown, then I bring it all back and relight the candles on Holy Saturday night.

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  50. I see you have a lot of comments here, so I hope you take the time to notice mine. You were a follower of my blog “Love with a Dark Heart in Chains.” As you may or may not have known I had a lot of drama associated with that blog and was forced to change everything and start anew. Thank you for being a loyal reader and if you are interested here is my new blog : https://unchainedshadow.com/ You can follow if you want. God bless and excellent post!

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