Battling Insecurity

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Do you ever just feel….embarrassingly out of place?

Do you ever walk into a room and feel as though you’ve got, like, your skirt tucked into your underwear, or like you have a big, unsightly growth on your chin?

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I had one of those experiences last week. I had an audition for this big beauty commercial.

So I walked into the waiting room, and I felt a hot wave of self-consciousness wash over me — starting in my stomach and running up through the backs of my ears.

Every young woman in the room was a tall, blonde bombshell, model-esq, and looking like they could literally kill someone with their piercing “simize” gaze.

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What did my agent send me to?

I felt like the riff raf that somebody accidentally let in.

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Anywho, looking around, and harshly sizing myself up, I realized something in that very minute.

I had two options.

A) I could let my insecurities get the best of me. I could succumb to the lies of inadequacy  and self doubt that were swirling around my head. I could beat myself up with comparisons and fall into thinking that was detrimental to my recovery and wellbeing.

Orrr…

B) I could listen to the voice of God’s Truth in my head that has taken me ten years in recovery to be able to hear and actually believe.

And I’m going to be honest, looking around that room, Option A was looking pretty inescapable.

But, I did something that turned things around.

I prayed.

I just closed my eyes, right there in that waiting room, and said, “God, please let Your light shine through me when I go into that audition room.”

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And all of a sudden, this peace came over me…I kid you not. I looked around the room, and I saw all those formerly frighteningly beautiful ladies with new eyes – In my head I literally heard, “They are all children of God.” 

I mean, that’s not how I typically talk. That was not from my own thinking. I mean, heck, just thirty seconds ago I was half-wishing that one of their stiletto’s would snap and cause a domino effect, downing half a dozen wanna-be Barbies. Thinking about children of God was not really on my radar at the moment.

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Anywho…after the audition, I just kinda forgot about it. It was a great audition – His peace carried me through – but realistically, it was a long shot. I mean, they clearly had a vision of what they were looking for, and well…it wasn’t me.

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But.

Later the next day, I got a call from my agent.

I didn’t book that beauty spot, but the casting director wanted me for a different international commercial campaign they were working on.

And this new gig, was a much better opportunity than the one little beauty spot.

And in fact, I’m actually on set, as you’re reading this, shooting the campaign all week.

But thinking about it, I realized, this would not have happened had I given into the lies in my head in that waiting room.

How many times in my life have I let fear and insecurity — especially about looks — get the best of me?

The answer: a lot. Too many times than I’d like to admit.

But I handed that audition over to God. And you know what? It turns out that God’s plans for us are so much greater than any we could drum up for ourselves.

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And today at church, I literally chuckled out loud at the gospel, because it was about the hairs on our heads being numbered. And to be not afraid, because we have great worth. (Matt 10: 26-33)

God proved that in that waiting room. He gave me His peace to shine, and in return provided for me in a way I could not have imagined.

So that’s all for tonight. Sometimes we just have to turn over control to the One who knows the hairs on our heads, and loves us, and really does work all things together for good.

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

412 thoughts on “Battling Insecurity”

  1. Falling back into the comparison trap is still a problem for me. Thank you for reminding me that all moments are in Christ’s hands and his word does not go out and come back void!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Not that I know anything about self doubt or recriminations or thinking of imperfections over the things God has given me… but..
    you know.. they say … When God closes one door it’s usually to open another or yet another… I think I pretty much believe it… 😉 Congratulations on the better deal!

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  3. Thanks for posting this, Beauty. I gathered from your posts that your real name is Caralyn, but to me – ever since you discovered my blog and I thus discovered yours – you are pure Beauty. So I’ll call you just that. I know only too well how other people can see the talents in us and we don’t seem to. Living in the head is the problem – prayer is the focusing of energy from head to heart and opening up your spirit to meet the Holy One. Well done with the audition! Have a bright future in God, child! Much love from Canada.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yay! Congratulations. I’m so thrilled for you. 😀 Sooo glad you could squash the devil’s lies and reach deep into God’s truths about you. Yay, victory!

    ~Laurie

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart! I needed to hear (read) this today. I’m going through a time if insecurity and uncertainty that frightens me like nothing else ever did. And I know what you mean about praying and feeling that peace. I have experienced that before. It’s not easy to describe and only those who experienced it can relate and truly understand. So I know what you mean. Nonetheless, I so needed something like this today. My insecurities, many of them implanted in me by narcissistic abuse in the hands of my husband can get the best of me during these hard times. Knowing that others know what’s like makes you feel better and that you’re not alone.

    I’m so happy it worked for you. And thank you for sharing. It helps us understand and reminds us as well that God has not forsaken us and might have much better plans for us in the long run.

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      1. Thank you for your kindness. Yes, me too. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I never imagined in a million years when I walked down that aisle with zero doubts in my mind that I would end up where I am today, in family court and trying to find myself again after years of mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse. I keep forcing myself to think that God has a plan for me. Maybe it was a bit twisted and odd with such a bad marriage. But my incredible daughter came out of that marriage and I hope that a much better plan awaits me that I might have never faced had not been for my failed marriage. I don’t know what that plan is. All I can do is pray and hope for the best. I just want my daughter to be protected and safe. I don’t want to hijack your thread / post. So I’m going to leave it here. But thank you. You keep amazing me and inspiring me beyond words. 🙂

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  6. Wow Caralyn, what an amazing testimony to God’s work! Your words greatly encourage me tonight. Thank you so much for sharing, and CONGRATULATIONS! 🥂🍾

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  7. That first sentence? Yep, me many times. Still awkward, after all these years. Though, thankfully I don’t care or beat myself up about it as much. I will never meet my standard, but have always met the Lord’s. It remains hard, but God is ever patient with me. Ever full of grace.

    Always enjoy your writing…continued prayers for you and yours. God bless.

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  14. That post brought stinging tears to my eyes. I admire your courage and your faith. I think though I’m a believer and try to follow Him, I lack in the whole trust department. I never would’ve made it into the room let alone choice A or B.
    Congrats on the awesome new campaign. Jer 29:11

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  15. Congrats, you should really check out the group Models for Christ. My daughter works with this group and it encompasses more than just models, but all the entertainment world. It helps women in this world to find and work on their relationship with Christ in a World that often times works against it. My daughter works behind the scenes at the New York Beauty Week. Just a thought, because your story would be so inspirational to so many. Oh Congrats again….

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  17. God is such a wonder. I’m so glad he gave you the inspiration and the courage to overcome your fear Caralyn. PTSD often leads me into the same trap. We have a lot of public transport buses here in the UK and I walk everywhere (to keep my old 43 year old frame in shape lol). Often one will pull up alongside when I’m on the sidewalk and I convince myself that everyone on board is looking at me. One day I thought ‘Get over yourself Rich!’ They probably don’t even notice you! Now if I get scared when this happens, I imagine that they are thinking about what to have to eat that night, or what to watch on TV, or just looking in the store window. You posts really help, I can relate to them in so many ways, I guess it’s because PTSD and Anorexia are anxiety disorders and similar in many ways. One final thing, a strange thing happened to me last week, a guy stopped me in the street (which is weird, because in England that’s a cultural no no), he said, ‘you know, Jesus loves you, but you won’t find him in a church, or by looking up to the sky. He is right here. Just listen for him in your quiet moments’. When he said ‘he’s right here’ he pointed to my chest where my heart is. The experience of a kind stranger doing that really inspired me, just as you do. God bless you, and have a great day 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Ah, dear Caralyn! I write all this theology and philosophy and here you are again – the living proof. You are relatable because you allow love to flow through you. And isn’t that why women aspire to beauty – to secure love? They see it there in you, and can imagine themselves as you precisely because your beauty isn’t intimidating.

    So here’s the trial: what is it that they want you to promote?

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    1. oh gosh, Brian. thank you so much. you’re so right – to secure love. And wow — I am seriously so touched by your incredibly generous words. You’ve spoken to my spirit…thank you friend. Hah, you know, i am contractually not allow to answer that question!! eek! but when it’s out i’ll let you know 🙂 thanks for stopping yb! hugs xo

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      1. I understand about the specifics. My concerns are more along these lines: women are “fertile”, by which I mean that things take root in them. You are in a part of the commercial world that often exploits that quality. My advice as regards managing this is: let God’s light shine from you. If there’s anything dark in the intentions of the project managers, it will be dispelled, and they will discover that it’s up to them to learn how to adapt themselves to your energy.

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  24. Fabulous.
    Absolutely.

    Take a moment to just – pray.

    Hilarious writing too….free and honest. I’m on set too… I’m a Director trying to bring the notion of Thanksgiving to a commercial for Car Batteries.

    Maybe say a little prayer for me!
    Onward.

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  27. What a beautiful and inspiring post, Caralyn. I’m so happy for you. Congratulations! Do share the link to the campaign when it’s out. 🙂
    I’ve not been so great and although I decided not to disappear, I’m keeping a low profile. Lol! Your post has just given me a much needed boost. That inadequacy and insecurity, coupled with uncertainty, can be dangerous. Much love and hugs. xxx

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  31. Based on your reaction, you listen often after prayer, though now that you have tasted freedom I wonder if you now thirst. Encountering God by listening in silence is key, however His voice can also pierce through the noise of the world and He brings with it His peace, which is why you recognized it amidst the noise. That offering right then and there that you made, which was accepted as the obvious answer to your prayer, is what allowed Jesus to work through your life in that moment. So beautiful to witness, even more beautiful to read you testify.

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  32. Caralyn: This story inspires faith and stands among the best of your articles. God answers prayer, frequently without delay.
    I blog about an unsuccessful audition for music school in 1972 (https://wp.me/p8RkfV-1vK) and write about many white-knuckle events in my life, but yours provides more light. Thank you.
    Stephen

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  40. Hey Caralyn: that director is one smart person. He got beauty and smarts in one super lady.
    Our God says to give all things to Him, and He will give us the best. You are living proof.
    Luv ya ⚘😁❤

    George

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  41. Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

    6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
    7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

    Not trying to be deep, but that’s what immediately came to my mind when I read this, sis. You pretty much put those 2 verses on full display with this experience…good stuff 🙌🙌!!

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  44. Very thoughtfully expressed my sweet sister! Comparison is the enemy of contentment. What God has for you is for you! He knows the plans He has for you and you were right – that initial spot was just a catalyst to something greater. I’m overjoyed that your prayed in the midst of uncertainty, stepped forward in faith and God richly rewarded your obedience. There’s is nothing like God winking at you, saying “I’ve got you!” Thanks for sharing and praise God for the doors He’s opening in your career!

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  45. Congratulations! The most striking part of your story for me, was the way you heard and accepted God’s word to you that your rivals were also His children. So many people would have learned the lesson as far as ‘God will provide’, and forgotten the lesson about His other children. I think that was probably a very important thing for you to have mentioned in your blogpost.

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  46. I am smiling from ear to ear. You did what God asks you to do, when you are fearful, call to Him, and He will give you peace. Love His children as you love Him, and He will reward you. You were scared you prayed, you got peace, saw love for His others children that were there AND you booked a BETTER job!!!! All for simply doing what God asked you to do in the first place, rest in Him. God didn’t just give you what you needed, He gave you MORE. He gave to you in abundance!! Good for you, God’s most beloved little child. God bless you, and congratulations on your gift(s) from God and seeing all the gifts He gave you when you were in need :):):)

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  47. Testimonies are a source of faith for believers.

    I was at my job and the network terminals were slow for me to log in and get to work; I lifted up my eyes to heaven, and said: Lord, what am I doing here?
    I had no answer at that moment. After more than a year, hurrying to work, on the street and in the sunlight, in my mind I heard, clearly and in good sound: “You serve me and I solve your problems!”
    At another time, also in the same company, hovering in the air the possibility of a promotion, I heard: “Your business is with me.” And I no longer work in that company.
    It may be just a word, but it is enough to set the subject and guide.

    Truth be told, and so it has been.

    Liked by 1 person

    2. Note:
      I no longer work in that company because the contract of employment has ended.
      The Lord Jesus spoke with me in Portuguese because I do not know English.

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  48. Oh that is so super! (Supernatural, that is!–to get my quota of cheesy quips out of the way for the, oh I don’t know, CENTURY, haha)

    It reminds me of The Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns,
    “But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story / The Voice of Truth says ‘Do not be afraid’ / The Voice of Truth says ‘This is for My glory’ / Out of all the voices calling out to me / I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth”

    So cool when Father uses moments like this one to become more present to us–and of course it’s just frosting on the cake that He lined you up something even better. I can relate so well to that moment, too of, ‘They are all children of God,’ and you start to see people like Father sees them and the love-tsunami washing into amd obliterating bitterness harbour (see what I just did there?! ;D) is just downright inescapeable. If only I lived every day freshly out of that revelation…

    Anyway, enough feels blibber blubber xD it feels like it’s been a long time since I dropped by long enough to leave a comment; How’ve you been??

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    1. Hey Carson! Aw thanks for sharing in the excitement with me 🙂 haha good – I’m glad you appreciate the cheese factor:) hehe I love that song so much. Thanks for your generous words! You’re a great friend! Hugs and love xox

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  49. The power of prayer goes a long way. Always believe in yourself because what is meant for you no one can take! I am very proud that you did not leave. Congratulations on grabbing the other gig. That ones meant for you! God got you, just remain faithful in his path.

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  50. That is SO awesome that another job came from that audition!! Whoo-hoo! So happy for you, but most pleased that you shut down the enemy and prayed. Spiritual and natural victory! Plus an encouraging story with entertaining gifs LOL. A great day all around.

    Like

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