Romance is a dying art.
Truly. In the age of smart phones, Snapchat and communicating through emojis, dating is, frankly, limping along like a squirrel run over by a semi.
But in this era of 140 character expression, chivalry has taken a hit.
Which poses the question, what are we to expect from young men in the dating pool?
You see, I recently started dating.
Okay, let me rephrase – I started going on dates this winter.
After receiving a literal miracle of finally having my hormones restart after a decade in recovery from a severe case of anorexia in high school, let’s just say, I’m not wasting any time in the man-friend department.
And I think I’ve finally discovered the truth behind the old adage, you’ve gotta date to find out what you don’t want in a partner.
Leave it to NYC to show you the absolute highs and the absolute lows in life. And in this case, the dating scene.
This post is coming after an episode of being absolutely miffed. Like, just picture me, pacing, scratching my head, annoyed, slightly angry, feeling like…what in the world just happened?!
Human decency, people. Human decency.
I never in a million years thought that this would have to be said…I mean…common sense, right?
But alas, here is how to treat a lady…
DATING ETIQUETTE FOR THE SOCIAL MEDIA OBSESSED
- I don’t know, maybe don’t make firm “TBD” plans with someone a week in advance, and then not give specific details until 25 minutes before she’s supposed to arrive.
- Chivalry isn’t dead: offer to pick her up. Or at the very least…call her an Uber…don’t make her call her own. Especially not in the rain…
- Here’s a shocker: maybe tell her she looks nice. Every other guy in the bar is noticing, perhaps you could just acknowledge that she put some effort to look nice.
- PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY! For crying out loud, go without your phone for an hour and a half. It’s not fun to feel as though you’re a distant second to a person’s technology.
- Same with a sports game. Unless you’re at a sporting event or a sports bar with the purpose of watching the game, peel your eyes off of ESPN. And for the love of all things good, refrain from shouting at the TV.
- Do not incessantly text, Snapchat, Instagram DM and Tweet intense conversations and build up how excited you are to hang out, and then fail to actually follow through. Some people actually believe that words have meaning.
- Do not ghost.
- Do not ghost.
- Do not ghost.
- Honestly, putting in the exhaustive emotional effort to get to know someone for three weeks, and then to vanish without a trace, is the epitome of rude. I get it, things come up, you meet other people, but have the decency – even a text message – of signing off, wishing them well, peacing out. You are not a child. Don’t act like one.
Oh the red flags I experienced are just…wow.
And not that I’m looking for a perfect prince charming, but there are just, some things that are non-negotiables.
And surely, I’m guilty of some red flags of my own, that I’m unaware of.
So here’s my question to you!
What is your dating advice?
Truly. Hit me with it. I’m here to learn, because the good Lord knows I’ve got a long way to go!
What are some of your experiences?
How much is too much to expect from men these days?
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294 responses to “Dating Etiquette for the Social Media OBSESSED”
How much is too much to expect from men these days? If it could have been expected of us a generation or two ago, it can be expected of us now! Decency doesn’t have an expiration date, and the qualifications of good manners should not change because of new technologies.
You asked about dating advice. Just keep being you, and don’t accept some guy acting like the examples you gave because of “today’s day and age.”
Thanks for this Joseph. that’s some great advice!! Hugs and love xox
Amen to all Joseph said. And Be “Caralyn” for sure.
Thanks to Joseph for stating it so well.
yes!!! very grateful for you two! x
xoxo Luv 😀🌹❤️
My advice is dates guys you wouldn’t normally if they show you interest…look at it as a man experiment my friend said …grow confidence and get comfortable with the process. Often its one your not expecting who can become the one! Just takes a bit of humility and in the end you will find someone who surprises you and ticks those boxes. You won’t have to compromise when it comes to the long term but be willing to in the short term as part of the opening yourself up process!
that’s some really great advice. thank you Louie. Hugs and love xox
Also if a guy has no manners and is sending up red flags give him a date or two then see ya later! There really are good guys out there with manners and maturity.
I loved this post! I’m dating, too, and you definitely have to date to find what you do and don’t like. Definitely don’t ignore those red flags. The only one I might moderate is #3. Some guys aren’t naturally good at giving words of affirmation. I think they take for granted that we know we look nice (but yes, we’d still still like to hear it). Once you’ve built some mutual trust, be honest with him and let him know that affirming words are important to you and make you feel special. If he’s a good guy and cares about your feelings (which he should), he’ll be a fast learner in this department. All the best!
thank you so much Kristen! amen! mutual trust is so important 🙂 you too! good luck out there! Hugs and love xox
“PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY! For crying out loud, go without your phone for an hour and a half. It’s not fun to feel as though you’re a distant second to a person’s technology.”
My wife and I were at a Red Robin last year, there was a couple on a date feverishly typing away at their phones. My wife commented on how weird it is these days when people are more interested in their phones than each other. Our waitress remarked on how it’s weirder that we know…they’re texting each other!
i know! it’s SO crazy! its like they’d rather be virtually with someone else! thanks for stopping by@ Hugs and love xox
All I’ll say is, “Thank God I am married.” My wife and I gave this book to both of our daughters. It’s written by our pastor who we absolutely love. Jimmy Evans of @MarriageToday – http://a.co/ikZk4TC BTW: The list is perfect. I’m sharing it with our girls.
You’re the best,
thank you Scott, I just ordered the book on amazon per your suggestion. i really appreciate it. Hugs and love xox
Very good. Like I told my SWAT officers when going into a “hot” situation – Eyes Open!!!!
eyes open! yes!!
At sixty seven and happily married, I am glad that I can not be of assistance on modern dating etiquette. Except to say that I feel so sorry for you. I wish that you could have met one of my four sons before they were all married who all knew (and know) how to treat a lady. God bless you in your search. JandM
thank you so much J and M, i appreciate that. yeah you’re not missing much! Hugs and love xox
Yes, and You wouldn’t gain much either, Caralyn, if teleported to another age and time. The grass is always greener here; because we water it. I feel how discouraging it is when they behave [like this] and you do not, but Trust, Precious! Our Father’s Heart also through me with you always, Leon
Amen – because we water it. I love that x
I have to be honest I’ve never done this dating thing that is so much a part of American culture. When and where I grew up in Australia (1970’s teens 1980’s early adult years)we didn’t date we just went steady. Now I realise Australian men can best be described as neolithic troglodyte cavemen who think women should be three feet tall with a flat top head for the ashtray and beer but I actually wonder if dating is a healthy thing at all. I wouldn’t date or even kiss a girl that has slept with or kissed 20 women before me. Admittedly my experience is limited even today but I really don’t see that it is helpful.
i wish people still went steady! thanks for sharing that. i appreciate the encouragement! Hugs and love xox
I mean kissed 20 men sorry my keyboard has interpretive issues*****
i gotcha 🙂 haha no worries!!
I agree, dating can suck sometimes. As a guy, I try to always follow through and, if I enjoyed the first date, always ask for a second one. I don’t believe you can accurately assess a person in one date, so if you think you might like someone and find them attractive, see if that persists beyond the first date. That said, even though I’ve rarely had a date tell me she didn’t have a good time, more often than not she turns me down for another date, or worse just ghosts. It’s frustrating because I’m a really nice guy and easy to get along with, but I have a couple of nervous habits that tend to surface on first dates and these can give people the wrong impression of me 🙁
thanks Luke, i agree! it takes more than one encounter to “get” a person. thanks for sharing that. big hugs to you xo
With Love i did this for You
I liked this article so much that I reblogged it with clear reference to you.
Hopefully you will benefit
oh thank you so much Theo! i’m honored! big hugs xo
Gladly sweet girl
Many and big hugs back
If we are going to keep sharing cuddles and kisses so mutually, we have to be careful, or we will have a date with each other ourselves.
And to be honest, I even think it would be nice to sit at the table with such a beauty of a woman.
No, to be honest, I think it’s great that you have such a success.
That deserves a 💐
Continue doing so
But many 💋😍😘😘😍💋
Hey Theo! hahaha you’re funny 🙂 thanks again x
I have seen that you are also a Christian.
I would like to share my story here as I currently experience love as a Christian
Some videos are in Dutch, but you can translate the texts with the translate-Tool and others are in English, I would appreciate it if you would like to take a look at it and put a comment on it.
With kind regards
Here is the link
All I miss is Love ❤️💘👄 All i miss is Love ❤️💘👄 MESSAGE ➡️👉👁👈⬅️
thanks for passing it along!
I hate to say it but expect nothing, and you won’t be disappointed 😉 its been almost 2 decades since I dated so I don’t know what to expect from guys but I do know, while I was looking, I found nothing. As soon as I said, ok I’m done, and quite facetiously said, if the Lord wants me to have a man, He’ll need to bring him, and put him right in front of me. And He did. God bless you 🙂
that’s great advice, Margaret. thank you so much 🙂 oh that’s so great to hear! God is good! Hugs and love xox
You hit the nail on the head with this post. The only thing I can add is looking at other women when on a date. That always was an immediate turn off to me. The date would be over at that point for me. Other than that, it’s been way too many years since I dated to draw back on those memories. Some are nightmares. A guy I knew in high school was taking me to a drive-in movie in his convertible Corvette and I soon discovered he was inebriated because he was seeing things on the freeway and he swerved a couple of times spinning the Corvette in circles. All I could see was headlights coming at us. Of course with memories like this, I try not to think of ever having to repeat the dating experience. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
Hi Phyllis, thank you so much for sharing that. gosh, that sounds absolutely terrifying! i’m glad you were okay! thanks for your prayers. Hugs and love xox
Wow, you sound like me.It’s really annoying to see the quality of men these days. But let’s not give up hope. Chivalry may not be dead, but it is definitely a rarity these days.
thanks friend – yes definitely a rarity. let’s cling to that hope! Hugs and love xox
Maybe, when his phone comes out of his pocket, you should take out a copy of your book and start reading. After all, at least one person on the date should look like they are interested in you.
hahaha oh my gosh that’s such a funny thought! thanks Ally! Hugs and love xox
Wow… Sorry for your bad date…. I can offer you this: Never Settle!
From what you described, it appears that his upbringing (lack thereof) is to blame… Not giving someone attention is like anti-dating…. I’m 17 years out of practice for single’s scene but I do know if I pull off any of those things on a night out with my wife, it’d be a sure slap in the face and night on the sofa… The whole uber thing is alien to me… Definitely pick up at her home (if it’s not a blind date thing) and regardless how things went, to accompany her safely home… I still position myself closest to street on when walking with my wife sidewalk and unlock her door before entering car. My wife even reached over and unlocked mine while we dated (reference A Bronx Tale https://youtu.be/qyj2VNVB8qk) Sorry that my advice is geared towards guys – cause I’m a guy…. I’m hoping to instill in my two daughters the wisdom to drop a guy immediately if they are not being shown respect. They hopefully will learn what proper respect is towards a girl (and vice versa) by watching our (wife and I) relationship.
Never Settle – that is such great advice, thank you Joe. And thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like your wife is a lucky lady! big hugs to you both! x
Old married lady waving her hands wildly in the air! Pick me! Pick me!
Some of this is kind of a wash, the cab/uber – eh whatever.
The lack of communication regarding the plan for the evening, especially a first/second date – RED flag.
The phone – anyone has 30 minutes (I’m a little too patient) and then, “enjoy your date!” and move on.
He was already telling you that you were not important to him. And he continued to affirm that.
Take him at his word, and move on.
I was engaged to a guy once who wrote me a letter (hand written on paper) sharing with me his appreciation for another woman’s booty. One strike. You’re out. Done. Finished. Over and out.
this is so long ago it was over the dang phone, a land line at that.
Remember your beauty goes beyond your bones, the outer layer of your person…when someone wants to get to know You, then that will be the guy of your days, nights, dreams, hopes…
hahaha oh Teri, this is amazing, thank you. such great advice. yeah – red flag indeed. yes, moving on moving on moving on. Thanks again for this beautiful encouragement. you’re a great friend! Hugs and love xox
Sorry to hear about you meeting all the wrong guys. As a man who has been married twice and now single yet again I will have to face the world of dating once again. From the time I first started dating to what is out there and in terms of technology is really night and day different. At times I have been blown away but what it’s like in today’s world especially in the world of online dating. Nothing but false profiles and people trying to scam tour money.
It’s a shame your in New York and I am up in Canada or I most likely would have asked you out by now and shown what a true gentlemen is all about. My parents raised me well and one of my parental goals is to raise all my children right especially my son, and the correct way to treat a lady.
thanks so much Edward! i appreciate you sharing your experience. and gosh, that’s a kind thing to say 🙂 i’m very flattered 🙂 Hugs and love xox
Being able to make change in my own life, having the courage to be vulnerable and to share that experience… I can see that in all of your posts. I see a kindred spirit and someone that wants nothing but the best in life. You will find it, we both will. All the best.
aw, thank you again. yes, i believe that we both will too! 🙂
I’d recommend making two lists. 10 things you must have, and 10 things you can’t stand. It sounds like texting during the date would be on your can’t stands and for good reason! The thing with making these lists is that it is kind of hard to think of 10 for both, but getting that stretch will help illuminate some aspects that matter to you. It’s also not 50 things you must have and can’t stand so it’s not overly restrictive. From experience, this list will probably evolve as you go on dates and possibly go steady with certain individuals. I hope you find someone good quickly but it’s ok if it takes a while. It’s good to be steady with someone for at least a year, because it usually takes that long for the crazy to come out, but everyone is crazy in their own way, haha! You just want to know what kind of crazy you’re getting. Pray, pray pray! God’s probably not going to shine a light from heaven on your Mr. Right, but use the wisdom and discernment that he’s given you and talk to trusted advisers about your dates.
Hey Luke! thanks for this awesome advice. I’m going to make those lists tomorrow! such a terrific idea! and amen! pray!!! Hugs and love xox
I think everyone has subconscious “lists” of must-haves and deal-breakers and the key is to honestly acknowledge and accept what yours personally are. Once you see in another person what fulfills maybe 80-90% of each list, you’ll find a potential soulmate. Until then it’s a joker’s wild lottery of hit and miss. Good luck and God bless. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
that’s a great point. thanks Zik. xx
Good luck on your dating journey. Some sound advice you have given to guys there. I personally will not date anymore. I think there is to much expectation flying around. That is just me though…………………
Thanks so much Matt, I really appreciate your kind words. big hugs xo
Well you’ve asked for advice so take it from me, someone who found the love of his life and married her (though I found her online).
The first important thing to have is the correct approach and mindset. You get out of something that you intend in the first place. In Islam, as is the case in Christianity, pre-marital sex is not allowed (though this might be different for you, I don’t know what your standards are), so for me the long-term goal was marriage. This meant I had to specifically look for someone who wanted to marry me, and had the qualities that I wanted in a wife. If you’re single and now dating, I’m assuming your goal is to have a life partner, and someone you want to marry and share your life with. This means that temporary qualities are meaningless (such as circumstances like being rich or having children) but personal character traits are far important and indicative of the person. So the first thing is to get your intentions right, and I believe the right intention is to look for a good suitable spouse.
Now what makes someone suitable? What makes one a good spouse or good partner? Here I’m talking something fundamental that can apply despite personal preferences. I’ll explain by an example: let’s say you have a natural preference for tall brown haired men who are writers. Now you go along and you suddenly find an avergae height black man with a bald head who is a doctor, but you find he is a devout believer, and you happen to get along well with him and there is a chemistry. Here I would put his character trait of devoutness above your preferred outward characteristics.
You see, you need to focus on the inner, and find someone who has a similar view of the world as you do, though there is scope for development.
What inner characteristics should one look for? They are: devoutedness and dependence on God (both in speech and their actions) and that they ask for God’s help in times of need; because they have experienced pain from others, they dislike being hurtful or nasty to others; they are humble and patient; they smile a lot and are easy to laughter but slow to anger; and that they are good listeners, and are kind to others. The person that you meet should have these qualities already. Don’t be like those women who “wait for him to change”.
That alone isn’t enough though. The second set of qualities is how the man interacts with you specifically. Does he communicate with you everyday? A good sign is that he does. If he skips a day, then you are not that important to him. But just as importantly, if the man is important to you then reach out and communicate with him everyday as well. One of the striking things that I found pleasing about my wife was that she would initiate the “good morning” most days. She lives in kuwait, and since I’m in england and kuwait’s time is ahead of england’s then she is up earlier than me. And to show her I care about her I’d make an effort to be the first to say good morning. The remarakable thing that drew me to my wife was that she wanted me and made an effort to reach out to me and communicate. And of course I reciprocated. It’s nice being in love with a human being rather than an empty wall. So don’t be a wall and be a living human when you interact with men of your interest.
The rest kinds of takes care of itself. But you are right in everything you said in your article, each of those points were failures on the parts of the men you dated. A real man is kind and considerate, and if he values the woman he wishes to marry he will make sure to keep the desire of him in her alive and hot by making her feel appreciated and loved. And the woman also has to reach out and show interest to the man she wants to marry, and be clear with him. She should not play mind games such as that girl in “13 reasons why” did where she told the boy to leave but in reality she wanted him to stay even though she told him forcefully to leave multiple times, and he left as a real gentleman would. If you notice that in the word gentleman has the word gentle in it, and that is essential for a man to be, gentle with the world around him and steadfast.
Before I met my wife, I came across other women who I was interested in, and some of the things that turned me off from them was their lack of engagement. They didn’t initiate conversations. They didn’t appreciate my art and bonsai tree. We couldn’t communicate and discuss important matters civilly such as the topic of getting married.
To sum up: the man communicates with you everyday; he gives you regular compliments; he’s kind and engaging; he’s a devout and mature believer; he loves and depends on God; he is looking to get married. And for you, you need to: be aware of these qualities and look for them; be direct and honest about what you want from him; engage with him about his life and share your life and initiate conversation; and be respectful towards him and show him the kind of woman you are and what you believe in. If that is clear, then it will be easier to find someone you resonate with.
🙂 I hope you read this and find this advice helpful.
I have advice that I hope can help. I agree with all YOU said. Keep you gadgets AWAY!! Next is take it slow. I have had a few friends who dove right in head first. They happen to have been gals. By this I mean they got themselves totally wrapped up in the guy before they really knew him. They put themselves on this total emotional high only after a date 2, investing themselves as if they had been together for months (and on many dates) already. THEN when ghosts came out of the closet they fell and took it all as “whats wrong with me, why is it I can’t attract good guys” etc… Personally I felt in these cases that they COULD attract good guys. The problem was they jumped in too much too fast instead of taking a little slower, and then being able to accept the signals when things “hit” that “hey, this guy isn’t for me”. I believed that if they hadn’t become SO emotionally (and yes physically) attached so hard and so fast, that when things did “unravel” (unresolved exes, other strange issues) that they may not have fallen so hard, blaming who they are and accusing themselves as undesirable. The guy was the one with the mess, but they took the mess on to themselves. TAKE IT SLOW-GET TO KNOW.
I meant to say “only after a date OR 2.
Oh and one more thing. If the guy “rainchecks” you, stay on him to at least honor the raincheck, even if it was a frivolous excuse. You can then brush it off after as not a guy being worth it.
that’s a great point. honor the raincheck. got it. thanks again!
Most rainchecks are unfortunately blowoffs or at least attempts to blow off. Thats what happened to one of my friends. She was telling me ALL these details about this guy, soooooooo hung up on him that she loved him etc etc etc…. Then they were finally going on a date. I hear from her, where she says, “tomorrow I’m going to tell him how I’m feeling about him”. He’s one of her coworkers btw. I said, Ok go for it (thinking that they had BEEN on the date I’d known about plus who knows what since). Turns out he rainchecked her. They hadn’t even BEEN on a date, YET, she was going on about him as if they were signed, sealed and engaged. But then she started in on the “what’s wrong with me, why can’t I find…….” I’m like all in my head that you wouldn’t fall so hard on yourself if you didn’t sell your whole heart and soul out to a guy BEFORE YOU EVEN DATED HIM ONCE!! Ayyyyyyyy!!! Hugs to you and I wish you well in opening up your heart. I do agree with what somebody posted, that NYC is full of sooo many self absorbed. This friend of mine and the guy in question are both in NYC too. Ayyyyy. Hugs and love!!
Oh gosh, what a story. I’m clinging to hope! Even in NYC! Hugs and love xox
Nothing worse than a bounced raincheck;)
Amen to that
i gotcha 🙂 xx
Hey there friend! aw, you give the best advice, than you Migueltio. You’re so right – take it slow, get to know. love that. love that. love that! big hugs to you xox
Its like all those PSA slogans you see on tv 😉 Hugs and love!! xoxoxo
hahahaha love it
Sounds like we’re having the same type of experiences:(
oh gosh, i’m sorry you can so relate, AJ!! good luck out there and thanks for stopping yb! Hugs and love xox
Just put yourself out there and don’t negotiate your conscience. Being flexible will lead you to trouble. In my experience, it’s important to ask the right questions to have a better idea of the guy’s character. And if you can meet guys through friends, then that’s a better route.
Ultimately just be open to meeting the one and be quick to let go of others who clearly aren’t – a lot of men out there will try to get your pearls, but you need to ensure that they also have pearls to give and aren’t just pigs ready to trample all over your pearls.
thanks for this awesome advice. amen to that! ask the right questions – love that. Hugs and love xox
Keep in mind you are getting the best someone is when you are getting to know him. Don’t expect it to get better when they do not feel the need to impress. And always in dating consider would I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. Most importantly, stay true to your heavenly Bridegroom. Be true to Him and expect the same from your date.
thank you so much for this wonderful advice. you’re so right – stay true to Jesus! amen! Hugs and love xox
Have you read Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari? It’s a study on how dating has changed in the US and all over the world due to technology. It’s fascinating, and though it won’t offer any tips, it may shed some light on why people behave the way they do when romancing through devices. Hope your dating life gets less frustrating!
Hey! I haven’t read it, but I have seen his Netflix show and stand up routines, which I think covers a lot of the same topics. It was a great and very soberingly true look at dating. truly fascinating. thanks for your kind words! i’ll have to check out the book! Hugs and love xox
Having just re-entered the dating scene myself, I am so with you! LOL I’ve had scary, yucky, and what the ____? experiences. But being a stubborn woman, I’m still putting myself out there – until my patience runs thins and I decide my dog is enough companionship! Hang in! G
thank you so much, G! hahah dogs are the best, aren’t they! good luck out there! Hugs and love xox
First, let me admit how little men know about women. We are so used to male company, with all its crass, corny, loud, bad jokes, that we haven’t had any practice being kind and considerate. We HAVE to pretend we know, especially when we don’t. (Men do this with other men ALL the time.) This applies to every aspect of dating, love, and marriage. Men are slower than women to mature emotionally. This shows up when they banter with their friends when you are with him. The male form of giggling is a loud laugh and a slap on the back. This tends to soften as men grow up. They say that wisdom comes with age, but sometimes, age comes alone. Anyway, you asked for it, so here is my list:
1. Date at least a decade older.
2. Look for someone who needs help with his cellphone.
3. Make some ground rules for the time you are together and after.
4. Do for him what you want from him.
5. Before you agree on a date, ask him how he sees the evening going.
6. Get clarification on anything “fuzzy.” Add whatever you feel would make it better for you both.
6. Acknowledge him for each mannerly, gentlemanly, considerate thing he does.
7. Be ready to say, with a smile, “ah, ah, ah, ah, that is what I meant when we agreed to (remind him of ground rule.) let’s get back on track.” or whatever and however you want to coach him.
8. Be aware of something women find impossible, that pervades the male psyche: Women have mental “boxes” of things they think about. They jump from one box to the next with out stopping. They call it “multitasking.” Men have something women do not: and EMPTY box. That’s right, when you ask him what he is thinking and he says “nothing,” he means it. He is not trying to dodge your question, he just went where men go when fishing, to the empty box in their brain. So do not badger him out of disbelief. Now you know that men are as mysterious as women in some ways.
That is it. Good luck, you are a fabulous catch for some lucky Catholic man.
Oh Von, this is absolutely amazing. thank you so much for this awesome list. I especially love #2 – finding someone who needs help with their cell phone!! haha but in all seriousness, this is something i will take with me to prayer. big hugs xo
Everything that I’ve read about “multi-tasking” leads me to believe it’s a myth. I think the research indicates only 2 percent of the population is able to do it. Plus, after pretending to multi-task it takes roughly 20 minutes to return to the original task.
Well, Common Sense took a permanent holiday decades ago in this country. I occasionally see younger men opening auto doors and entrances. It’s nice, it’s classy and shows respect for the other person. It’s enjoyable to hold the door for others! I hope you find a man who will respect you as he should. ❤️
Thanks so much, John! a permanent holiday, isn’t that the truth! big hugs to you xox
you know, as someone in the dating world, well kinda, I would say don’t settle. If your gut seems like something is off then it is probably leading you right. Remember your worth.
don’t settle, that’s so true. Thank you Beth for this beautiful encouragement. Hugs and love xox
BTW, I am stealing this idea for my blog 😉
haha go for it!! Hugs and love xox
What I have found is that keeping my standards high led to me getting a high quality wife (but of course I see my wife as a gift from God which I feel is a very special gift because most people don’t have spouses that would consider you their soulmates).
You might find that practicing my advice means that you become very selective of men and that you go months and months without any romantic connection.
Actually what will probably happen is that you will find connections with men and then as each is deselected (based on your standards), the next man is higher than the last one.
I was lucky that I had to only go through a few very short relationships (which I believe were God’s way of giving me experience) so that I could appreciate and better deal with the future real relationship that was coming.
I want to make an important point here that God has already decreed someone for you. Who that person is, you don’t know but you will need to search for him. But this person, whoever he is, is a trial for you. It might be that he is a good man, in which case he will be a support for you and you will face a trial from a different direction. Or it could be that he himself is your trial, and you need to be aware of that. At any and every moment you need to ask yourself what does God want from you, why did that thing that happened just happen?
You think you have a certain quality. Let’s say you think you are generous (I’m talking hypothetically here). Then God gives you an opportunity to test your generosity: an old gruff smelly homeless man asks for some change but his breathe smells of alcohol. How do you act? Because God is watching and recording what you do. There are no coincidences in life, each moment has a meaning and purpose, each moment you are either drawing nearer to God or drawing away from Him.
I pray that our lives are filled with moments drawing nearer to God and few moments of us drawing away from Him.
A wise man once said:
“There are four states of the servant, not five: blessings, trials, obedience and disobedience. If you are blessed then what God requires of you is thankfulness. If you are tried then what God requires of you is patience. If you are obedient then what God requires of you is the witnessing of His blessings upon you. If you are disobedient then what God requires of you is asking forgiveness.”
Hi Mohammed, thank you so much for this thoughtful response! I’m so glad that you and your wife found each other! it sounds like you have a beautiful marriage, that makes me so happy 🙂 thank you for the encouragement and prayer! Hugs and love xox
Tip #1 – Move back to Ohio. Well, ok…that’s a maybe. If people’s driving habits are an indicator, manners continue to retreat everywhere. Expecting to find a non-self-absorbed person in NYC might be a bit much. Yeah, there’s you, and then there’s…?
Tip #2 – If someone gives you the “soft plans” run-around, just tell him never mind. You have standards, so why claim them post-mortem?
Tip #3 – If he isn’t going to pick you up and deliver you back to your door to be sure you made it inside and not just to your address, what makes you think he’ll do any better later? Face it; no one’s behavior gets better after they “won” you. If the girl didn’t want me walking her to her door, I still didn’t drive off till she unlocked her door and waved ‘bye.
Tip #4 – If he can’t take his eyes off his phone or the game on TV, leave early. Why waste your entire evening? You shouldn’t have to ask at all, but maybe give him one chance. Non-compliance by him = non-attendance by you. Besides, he’s not really there anyway, right?
Yes, I’ve been off the market for 30+ years, but I still say good manners and basic human decency are timeless. If you settle, you might find someone, but will he be worth it?
Hey Jeff!! how are you!? Thank you for these awesome tips. truly so helpful. That’s so true – their dating behavior should be their best behavior – it’s downhill from courtship! haha funny and sad but true. These are such great tidbits of advice. amen to that! I had a different title for this post that i was advised to change for…ahem…reasons…i’ll share over on Patreon what that was 🙂 big hugs to you and Julie, thanks again!! x
Major Props. Mainly, turn off the phones when having a dinner date with someone of the opposite sex who you would like to be your paramour. Period. nothing looks more ridiculous, than to see two people at a dinner table and both not paying attention to one another because of the dumbphone device.
thanks so much friend. Amen to that! power down the device! big hugs xox
Never settle for less than someone treating you with decency, manners and respect. When you’re dating, especially at the beginning, they are on their BEST behavior. Yes, their BEST. If what is supposed to be their best falls seriously short, don’t even bother engaging in further contact with them. If that’s their best, can you imagine their worst?
Hi Lisa! thank you so much for this great advice! amen to that – BEST behavior! Hugs and love xox
Being a man of a certain age, appreciably older, I am probably going to come off as stodgy but . . . a guy must abide by the no phone rule on your first date. You’re getting to know each other. If he can’t spend that time with just you, it’s no bueno.
Now, I realize that unwritten rule jibes with yours. But the rest of my thoughts probably do show my age. Like, I don’t believe a guy you’re dating should be in contact with his ex. Like ever. If he texts, interacts with her on social media, etc, I’d have a huge problem with that. And no vague statuses on social media either. I think guys (and women) use social media to unleash their passive aggressive beasts. I mean, if you’re dating him and he’s happy and then out of nowhere he starts posting strange, depressing statuses that leave you clueless, I’d be getting in touch with him for a face to face. Pronto.
And as per the face to face. He should want to sit across the table from you. Like, all the time.
You have fun out there young lady.
no phone rule on the first date! that’s music to my ears! thanks so much for this great advice! Hugs and love xox
Oh boy, I hated dating all those years ago. My daughter is fighting this battle now. You aren’t helping me respond to her claims that all guys are jerks.
I met my Mrs. when mutual friends invited us both to their house for dinner. The blind date/set up has the advantage of at least some level of “pre-vetting” by people who know both of you. I would say to let your friends and family know that you are open to such things.
Hey JP! thanks so much for this awesome advice. haha i’m hoping not all guys 🙂 aw, what a great way to meet! thanks for sharing that. yeah i def want a “referral!!” Hugs and love xox
Am gonna write you a book and email it. Far too much for this space. Seeing how I am a serial dater and made about every mistake in the book I may be qualified to offer a few thoughts which might help. A few goods laughs anyway for sure.
Great post!! Gonna get a lot of hits on this one.
Hey Roland! aw, thank you I can’t wait to check out the email! i saw you sent one, i have yet to open it, but i’ll let you know when i do! haha learning opportunities, not mistakes 😉 haha but seriously, thank you! Hugs and love xox
I’m not sure I have any “right up to the moment dating advice”, but I know that when I used to date, I looked for someone that looked like me.
There was actually a (quasi) scientific reason for this. People react to certain looks in similar fashion, which produces similar life experiences, which creates compatibility.
That’s my unconventional wisdom. 🙂
How interesting!! i’ll have to keep my eyes open for my male doppelgänger 🙂 hehe Hugs and love xox
Oh, and the other thing… This one is probably more important. Before and after meeting a potential, I’d always be praying, “Is this the one?” Eventually the guy upstairs pointed my soulmate out, and I’ve been married to that one special soul for 30 years.
awww wow, congrats on 30 years – how beautiful. and that’s so so important! thanks again x
Seek Jesus. That sounds so cliche and probably everyone will mock it, but when you seek Jesus first, He will take care of the rest. <3 Praying for you, girl! Jesus will continue to amaze you with His Love!!!
ah love this so much. amen!!!!! seek Him first. thanks for keeping it real and for your prayers! Hugs and love xox
It’s all Jesus 😊 I’m glad He could use me! Hugs and love to you! 💖
xoxoxox 🙂 🙂 🙂
Before I remarried, I decided to try a Christian dating site. It was free, so I had nothing to lose (so I thought). The only person I dated was my first wife, so I had no clue what dating would look like as a guy mid-30s with 3 children. From my personal experience, I would run like nobody’s business before I went on a dating site. I found multiple levels of crazy. I must admit that there were a few ladies who genuinely loved the Lord and weren’t lying to get a man. It is easy for men and women to portray one thing online and another in person. It doesn’t take long for the truth to be revealed. I met my wife through a trusted co-worker. It was an act of God. I pray that God sends you someone who loves God first. He will love you as he should if his priorities are in line. I didn’t mean to turn this into a sermon. Just sharing some lessons I learned the hard way.
Hi Matthew, thank you so much for sharing this. A christian dating site – interesting. i’ll have to *cautiously* look into that. but yeah, i’m all about the referral 🙂 thank you for your prayers and kindness. big hugs xox
So, over the summer, I created a profile on a dating website (it was an impulsive thing, and I 10/10 do not recommend unless you have standards). But I ended up meeting my boyfriend on the site, and we’ve been dating for over six months. 😊 Anyway, that being said, I learned that you have to honestly communicate what it is you expect, or want. I recommend that before meeting for a first date, indicate the things that are important to you, and things you won’t compromise on, especially in terms of first date behavior. My opinion is that any guy that doesn’t see those things as important, isn’t worth a date, or a second date. Also, don’t play “mind games”, like the typical “Wait three days to text him after a date”, or whatever. I love that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling, but ultimately, I think it’s better just to aim for what you want, instead of torturing both parties. Finally (though I could keep going haha 😜), date with the intention of marrying. This is some of the best dating advice I ever recieved. Dating as if you’re looking for a future husband certainly thins the crowd of suitors, and I think it puts your heart in the right place as well. Hope this helps!!
P. S. Trust God too; His timing is perfect. I met my boyfriend after almost three years of being single, and there’s no greater feeling than feeling God’s blessing on a relationship. He makes all things beautiful in His time.
hi friend! oh that’s so great that you found your boyfriend!!! that makes me happy. and thanks for this great advice. date with the intention on marrying. love it. and amen! trust God! Hugs and love xox
this may sound a bit self-serving but you’re looking for a man in a sea of boys. One good thing about guys my age is we know how to treat a lady. I know a guy…ok it’s me. Sorry I had to, but good luck. If the perfect screening device existed you’d have it already. Keep kissing those toads
hahaha thank you so much friend, seriously I appreciate it. have a great night! Hugs and love xox
Omg thank you for writing this post! I totally hear you on this – apparently basic human decency is too much to ask in people these days. And the ghosting thing pisses me off too.
Just remember, practice self-respect and don’t settle for anything less – you deserve the best! 🙂
hi Katie! thank you so much fir this encouragement! yeah ghosting is just the epitome of rude and childish in my book! thanks for the kindness! big hugs x
Why not avoid showing off or flaunting your wealth before her? I bet it will wow her to discover the you by herself. Then, be very kind, humane and civil towards her.
What a beautiful thought. thank you so much for sharing that 🙂 big hugs xo
Never been on a date, so I can’t give valuable suggestions. But your suggestions are going to help me a lot I guess. 😅 Thank u! And hope you find your Prince charming soon.
Hey Brian, thanks for your kind words! good luck out there! 🙂 rooting for you! Hugs and love xox
Online dating is the worst, don’t do it. Trust God.
Trust God – amen to that! thanks friend! Hugs and love xox
Goodness- I had to stop reading comments. It was making my dizzy and slightly nauseous. To me the answer is quite simple. If a mate is truly interested and captivated, phones on the date won’t be an issue. As for finding that person – think about it for a second. Finding someone via the web – what do you expect? Really? Get out in the world, meet people, be interesting yourself and that person will come along. I have a great wife and I had to wait a long time for her to come along – God’s plan is perfectly planned and perfectly timed.
hahaha dizzy and slightly nauseous! yeah – that’s me thinking about dating! hahah thanks for your great advice. you’re right- in person is the best. So is God’s timing 🙂 Hugs and love xox
To address your question, on how much is too much to expect from men, I have some thoughts, as a man. I think that while there is only one TRULY perfect man (Jesus, and we both know that), I think that it’s not just reasonable but also important to have the expectation of (if you’re so called) being married to a man who you can grow in faith with. You want to be “equally yoked” with someone, if you’ve ever heard that saying. I hope that whoever you date long-term or whoever you marry will meet those standards, at the very least!
I give a fair warning though that the number of young men of faith is MUCH lower than the number of young women of faith. At the very least, that’s my experience. So even if you were to follow my standard, you may still have a somewhat difficult time finding someone who meets that standard.
thanks so much Brendan! amen – He is the prefect man, and I shouldn’t hold up men to an impossible standard. yeah, very true. Thanks for the great advice. Hugs and love xox
You’re welcome. Jesus is the only perfect man, but a man who strives to bring himself, you, and those around him closer to Jesus is perfect for you (and for believers in general).
Yes!! this is seriously so encouraging. thanks again B
I’ve run over a few things in a semi…they’ve stayed put. There is a disconnect in the always connected environment of today. Makes, to love for love’s sake forsaken.
oh boy! yikes! haha you’r right, a major disconnect. thanks Kenzie! Hugs and love xox
I wonder what that truest love, that straight path, to love would look like? I think, its why I never dated after my first attempt after my divorce. I had my chance at love. It’s enough.
Oh Kenzie. I wish I could give you a hug right now x
I. Wish you that truest path. All of you.
Sorry, I can’t give you any dating advice. That was a long, long time ago. Good luck with the dating.
Hey Joe, haha thanks 🙂 i appreciate your well wishes!! big hugs xo
Maybe I’m just old school. What is ghost?
haha ghost is when you just vanish. you cease all communication. it’s typically mid text-conversation, but you basically never hear from them again. real classy (eye roll) haha
Where are them girls at! They should be reading this! Thank you, am so sharing this to those peeps I think need intervention.
I’m not into the very modern hook up over internet or dating service. The girls I met and sought company of came from work contacts, church socials, double dates with trusted friends. Its safer to see who you are thinking of asking out as first impressions are important and can save you from embarrassment. You certainly know quickly if the person of interest has incompatible interests or not but to meet someone you hooked up with on the internet is a high risk even though it may work out for some. Yes I agree with everything you say about etiquette. If the guy treats you badly or without respect on dates you should know things can only get worse in a marriage.
thanks for sharing this great advice, Ian. That’s so true – the internet poses a high risk situation indeed. Hugs and love xox
I just watched a news item on last evening TV where a medical doctor went to the internet to find a potential mate and got stabbed and doused with gas and is now trying to put her life back together again. She came very close to death and advises against any internet dating service.
Oh gosh that is TERRIFYING. Thanks for the heads up Ian
Hugs and love xox
” PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY! ” – especially this, oh hell yes! Thank you, this cannot be stated enough (sadly).
Amen to that! Thanks Robert! Hugs and love xox
I am so glad for posts like this, the world’s population must read such. Greetings.
aw thank you again xox
My dating life is basically none existing 😂 there is someone I was interested in but honestly I’m not great at these things, I screw up alot I can’t imagine dating ever working for me plus I’m getting older, I turn 30 this year 😱 I think I have to leave it to the lord now. also I could imagine Caralyn mad 😂 honestly I’m so weird, I’d love to see it, think it makes girls alot cuter when they’re mad 😂
Hey Benny, haha oh boy, i can definitely get mad! and hey – all in God’s timing! 🙂 Hugs and love xox
If a guy ever sits on his phone while on a date…get up and leave…Manners make a man…never technology. Praying God brings the right man into your life…someone who will cherish you always…xx
Manners make a man – love that so much. thanks for your prayers and kind words! Hugs and love xox
I would only waive the picking up/Uber thing, but I like being in control of how and when I get to places, and how and when I leave, so I would hate for the guy I’m having a first date with to be my ‘ride’. Not to mention a lot of people meet up after work, so it might just be more practical for each person to make their own way to the place.
Now, I would consider a bad sign if they didn’t bother to communicate afterwards, even with ‘I’m home, good night’. But then that might just be me, I like knowing people have made it home safe.
As for their behavior, I would say their behavior during that date – whatever can’t be chalked up to nervousness – should be watched carefully, especially how they treat other people and interact with them. Good luck with the dating!
thanks Miss Jay, yeah that’s a great point. It’s good to be in control of that sort of thing. that’s very true – always important to see how they treat the waiter! Hugs and love xox
I cannot imagine someone in Ohio dispatching UBER to pick up a date; must be a NYC thing.
It’s possible! I’m not in the US, and Uber isn’t a thing where I live right now (though it is in larger cities), so I’m not sure how the etiquette works out on that one! 😀
Great blog post as usual. I used to tell my daughter she would have to kiss a lot of toads before she met her prince. Scary as that thought was and still is…Hang in there. Each of these dates shows you what you don’t want and soon you will recognize the princes in this life. And there are some. Keep the faith, ask God to lead and be patient (oh, thats a hard one). Praying that you find that sweet, smart, sexy man. Blessings
thanks so much for your kind words and prayers. oh gosh, not more toads! haha jk jk thanks for the great advice! Hugs and love xox
God has the perfect man for you. Before going on your next date, ask your suitor to read this Blog post! Give him an assignment, and see if he bites. If he won’t pull up a link and read what your heart poured out, that should be a sign. (Lazy) In a world of ‘no expectations’, I have found some take it to the extreme.
There is one thing I would have done sooner in my relationships. I would have met his Mother. Seeing the relationship he has with his Mother, revealed how I was to be treated. Do they have a healthy relationship? Does he adore his Mother? You deserve nothing short of spectacular, because you are!!! Don’t settle…ever…xx
haha can you imagine! just like casually dropping this in his inbox! haha oh gosh. thank you so much for this great advice and kindness. big big hugs xox
Right? Haha It’s best to scare them quickly! My pleasure lovely. xx Big hugs backatcha! xx
Let’s say I get one chance to go back in time to visit myself when I was 21. I also get one chance to give just ONCE piece of advice to my single, 21-year-old self.
That piece of advice would be this: RELAX.
As in, don’t try to put into that date all of your future. Just enjoy the moment!
My caveat is that I’ve been married for over 26 years, have three sons who are also in the dating phase and about the same age my hypothetical self is visiting.
Hey Ed! thanks so much for this great advice – relax!! love it!! congrats on 26 years! that’s so beautiful! Hugs and love xox
I found my wife when I stopped looking and was OK with being alone. Relax have fun in getting to know other people. I met my wife when I was stationed in Germany and she was living in Arizona. We fell in love through written correspondence and have now been married for 14 years. The key though is that both of us went to God continually in prayer and He set the whole thing in motion…He literally matched us up!
Hey Ivan! thanks so much for sharing this! wow what a beautiful love story you two share 🙂 love that! power in prayer! Hugs and love xox
Caralyn, your posts are always the most adorable…and I do know your bubbly exuberance will one day be most appreciated by the man intended for you by God. In the meantime, while you’re searching for him NEVER DOUBT your instincts. Everything you mentioned is notable advice for anyone in the ‘dating scene’ & indeed it is all common sense, giggles. Have you ever checked out the Catholic Underground events in NYC? I see this Saturday evening (as in tomorrow night) they’re hosting one of their events. Cardinal Dolan has highly touted it as “the” young adult Catholic Scene in NYC. (I only wish we could attend; however, our return flight home is in the AM & once again our trip to the city does not allow for us to attend. But ONE DAY I know the Lord will arrange for us to be there.). ANywho, food for fodder. I adore the fransican friars of the renewal & perhaps you will love them and their community as well too! Hugs n’ blessings to you as you continue to dip your toes into the dating pool!!
aw, thank you so much Dawn, you’re so kind to say that. you’re so right – God has it under control! I’ll definitely have to look into the Catholic Underground events. I have been to several in the past and they have been incredible. I may just have to go tomorrow night! thanks for the heads up! and thank you as always for your encouraging words and friendship! you’re a blessing to me! Hugs and love xox
We need more posts like these and more women like you.
aw thank you so much J! that’s so kind of you to say! Hugs and love xox
You are very graciously welcome so much. You are a kind lady. Many hugs and love to you.
Oh, wow! It seems like you’ve had some rough dates recently. There have to be some chivalrous men out there somewhere! Hoping that both of us find them 🙂
haha thank you Kat. Yes! Same here! here’s hoping! Hugs and love xox
Advice….be you, keep your expectations high, don’t settle, and don’t try too hard. The right man is out there. God will bring him to you when it is time, and most likely when you AREN’T looking, lol. Chilvary is not dead, my husband of almost 13 years still opens the door for me (six kids later!). I think the most important thing is keep your eyes on God. He will lead you where you are meant to be. 🙂 Good luck and be patient (easier said than done!)!
that’s such great advice. thank you so much for this encouragement. and wow 13 years! congratulations! that’s so awesome 🙂 amen! eyes on God! Hugs and love xox
The reason why some men behave so bad is because… we let them. Well not necessarily ‘we’, but some women, too many women have let them get away with bad behavior. Men have been trained, by women, social media, t.v., movies, etc. that woman are not worthy. Not worthy of respect, individualized attention, protection, etc., whatever. It’s that damend, ‘bros before___. It’s not dating. You’re not dating. You’re on a hook up whether or not you realize it. I can see how it would be easy to get wrapped up in, and spend a great deal of time, texting. That is your generation’s primary way of communicating. HOWEVER, you are wasting your time with this nonsense. Set the precedence early. Do not spend so much time on the phone unless it is an actual phone call and even then limit that time until you two have spent more time together face to face. If he insists on texting over more intimate means of communication, that’s a good indicator of where his mind is and unfortunately, it is not on you. You can’t read body language over the phone. I he is not willing to go to the trouble of meeting you out somewhere, he is not into you. He wants a booty call. You know that’s not you so do not waste your time and yes, men like that ARE a waste of time and unredeemable. At least unredeemable by YOU because you have big plans for your heart and it does not involve rehabilitating a man-child into a man. Let other women make a project out of men. You do not have time to play. when I finally decided (after wasting a YEAR with a man-child) that I did not have time to fart around with male nonsense, I found MY Mr. right. Our first date would seem odd to people. We did visit on the phone a bit but then met at a local restaurant. He asked my right away if I wanted kids (I said ‘no’) we talked some more over lunch and then went home SEPARATELY. We were not sure if the other was ‘the one’ but we gave it a few more dates.
Again, let me recommend that you read ‘The Rules’. It teaches you how to teach men how to treat you the right way. This is something that men and women do not generally learn. I’m not talking a ‘project man’ here. I’m talking about setting expectations. That is what that book is about. Also, ‘He’s Just not that Into You was a other good book and Steve Harvey’s Think Like a Man, Act Like a Lady is a good resource. You don’t have to strictly adhere to every piece of advice, but it helps to better understand the male, female dynamic. Unfortunately, you are in a big city. My experience of big city living is people treat other people as if they are fodder for the meat grinder. They use each other to get what they want and when they realize you’re not going to give it, they lose interest. Would it not be better to find out BEFORE you invest so much time in a man whether or not he has integrity? Think of it like this, every minute of time you spend with an immature knob-head is time stolen away form your true love. Your soul mate. Your; ‘The One’. It is time to school these man-children that they do need to grow up some time, but not on YOUR time. Women need to get it together and stop ruining it for the rest of the single ladies out there. If we all set similar standards we all are treated the same way. It’s just a matter of deciding which standards will be set. The hook up? Or not the hookup? You are no man’s ‘place holder’ or palette cleanser after the break up until the right one comes along. YOU ARE THE RIGHT ONE!
Hi Melissa, thank you so much for this awesome encouragement. you’re right – you can’t read body language on the phone, or gauge tone through text. And thanks for the book recco! I will definitely have to check that out 🙂 Amen to that!!! big hugs xox
I thank God that I am not currently in the dating scene, nor do I plan to be, so my advice may not be very good. I already told my wife that if anything happens to her I will be getting a dog. Hehe Seriously though, I would tell you and anyone else looking for someone; go for someone that is seeking to grow themselves. Sadly, as you have already found out, sometimes church is not the best place to start nowadays. Having said that, I believe good Christian men and women are seeking to grow themselves and improve their lives, and I would not doubt that you would be the same. Check out those types of events. Everything from toastmasters to John Maxwell, Zig Ziglar or Les Brown trainings. The types of people that are willing to invest in themselves and grow want to be around the same type of people. Just some random thoughts. Have a great day!
Hey Tim! Thank you so much for this awesome encouragement. haha your dog comment made me chuckle 🙂 and thanks for the recco. Very true! Hugs and love xox
Oh how you’ve touched on so many good points here. Thank goodness I do not date and have not dated in 25 years, but I do feel for mt 21-year old son. He doesn’t comply with the worlds standards. He shuns obsessive technology, social media, and the general disregard for human decency. He is an old soul who feels lost in this world. He wishes for the days of his parent’s youth. The simple simplicity of a time passed. I feel for you sweetie. I have faith that God will guide you through this journey and you will find a man who is deserving of your kind and gentle heart. In the meantime, enjoy the adventure. I can’t wait to “hear” what else you learn along the way. BTW, I do not think you are asking TOO much.
thank you so much Aubrey! i really appreciate this encouragement. Sounds like your son has a great head on his shoulders. Good job mama 😉 thanks for your kindness! yes! enjoying the adventure 🙂 x
xoxox 🙂 🙂 🙂 xoxo
Hello it has been a while since I posted! And here goes Caralyn! Only observe how your date treats you, how to see treat others that he interacts with during the evening as you go out. From passerby’s, restaurant staff, all electronics and technology, mostly people.
If your date is nervous, are you trying to put them at ease, directly talking about the nervousness, agreeing that it is there for both of you? I am direct sometimes!
Is it easy to observe an attitude of gratitude? Is it a stretch to see it?
A caring attitude, respect, sincerity, and openness to get to know you as well as being able to answer probing questions from you.
Did I say respect?
I think I have asked two people out in the last five years! Not much recent experience in this area. I did get one indirect know which I did not appreciate. And I got one direct no and I did appreciate the person for giving an answer. You do not always have to say yes to every date. I like the idea of going out with someone you do not think it would ever go out with. Einstein had it right if you keep doing the same things over and over and expect different results, this is the definition of insanity!
Blessings to you Caralyn, May God bless your efforts on finding a permanent relationship so you can pour your lives and each other and become one flesh. This is the will of God in marriage my friend. Godspeed and finding a good solid person.
Thanks for this great advice Denny. I really appreciate your prayers and kindness. Hugs and love xox
Oh by the way, as far as probing questions, no I will not answer that one is an answer!
What happened to manners?
Right?!! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox
“Silver-lining in cloud” commentary:
Wow! Wish that I hadn’t just given up blogging! Going out on a date sounds like a great source for material.
Of course you know that I don’t date. When God pushes me toward a woman, it’s actually pretty terrifying. Entire communities get involved in attempting to manage the relationship, so much so that neither of us can figure out what the other person actually is like (a la “Pride and Prejudice”). What we would be nice would be to bump into each other rounding the end of the aisle at the grocery store, and spend five minutes laughing and chatting while we sort out what belongs to whom amid the basket contents spilled on the floor.
Haha thanks for brightening my day with this comment Brian. You da best 🙂 Hugs and love xox
Don’t give up and don’t forget your values. Never sacrifice what is truly important to you. 🐝
That’s really great advice. Thanks!! ✨
Once while on a date, my date took a call from an ex-boyfriend who, unbeknownst to me, was proposing to her. (She told me about a week later).
Oh yikes!! Now that is quite the story! Thanks for sharing that. Hugs and love xox
I don’t think I can help you because I do all the things right on your list and so anything I write will just be showing off.
Hahha you’re funny Brad 🙂 glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox
I am praying for your super spouse girl!!!! He is out there!
Aw thank you for your prayers and encouragement! That really means a lot! Have a great weekend! Hugs and love xox
That’s excellent that you are ready to date again! It’s tough stuff to be emotionally vulnerable. My (not asked for advice) is to get plugged into a church (or para church) and go on “blind” dates with guys that older women and men (that you know and respect) set up for you. NY is big, dating sites lend to guys who are connected to technology, and sometimes blind dates can be the safest.
I love this! Great job, girl! With how far we are in technology, Its gotten harder for people to DISCONNECT, especially on dates. I can see how hard it is to actually date and have fun on these dates. You have a standard that you are looking for. Don’t ever settle for anything less than that. If you get a couple of bad dates, don’t let that be your expectation/default setting. Always expect the best to happen( and I know it may be hard sometimes, but staying mindful in what the Lord has planned for you, makes all the difference). And I am praying for your success, girlie. Always remember that in the eyes of God, you have so many great qualities and that there is probably someone out there praying for a God-fearing woman like yourself❤️.
Also take it slow. Build a strong foundation in the beginning of the relationship. Once that foundation is set and you both are in agreement that you want a loving relationship to come out of it, work towards that relationship. So that once you’re in the relationship you can make it go for as long as both of you want.
Amen – that’s 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 Thanks again x
No probs girl! I’m glad I could help☺️
Thank you so much Karen! That’s so true. Thanks for this awesome advice. I really appreciate your prayers and encouragement. Hugs and love xox
TBH, I gave up. I did (or did not) all those things you mentioned – treated a lady like a lady ought to be treated. Never got me anywhere. Saw them go off and marry jerks who did NOT treat them like a lady ought to be treated, and think like they were going to “change them”. Which in 99% of cases, never did happen.
Advice? Well…. I’ll be blunt.
1. Don’t tell us about other dates you have had. We don’t want to know. Even if we ask, we don’t want to know.
2. You ALSO put the dang phone away. I have mine turned all the way off. You want my undivided attention, and I want yours. That’s how it should be.
3. Sometimes, we are just quiet. It doesn’t mean anything. That’s just the way we are. Stop psychoanalyzing everything.
4. I will open doors for you. I will walk on the outside on sidewalks. When you are on stairs, I will offer my hand. But I won’t order your food for you. Honestly I think that is rather paternalistic. Besides, how do I know what you like to eat? Don’t think I am not chivalric simply because I avoid one area.
5. Don’t make me choose what we do every date. You have likes and interests. Let me know what they are.
6. Don’t nag, and don’t try to change me. Show some interest in what I like, too. If I mention something about football, don’t be all rolling your eyes at me.
Taking note! Thank you so much for sharing these! Love em and so true! (Just a note…I personally enjoy talking about football 🤓 haha i just don’t like competing with it on the first date haha) Hugs and love xox
Ah, Caralyn, I don’t even know where to start…And multiply that by infinity, if you’d like. A girl who don’t understand math really ain’t worth dating. I mean, who doesn’t know what a caternary is??! C’mon, ladies!!!
As someone who used to work as a waitress, I have to tell you, romance can also be dead in a lot of marriages. There would be couples out for date night and immersed in their phone more than the person across from them. So you’re standards above are right on base, keep them high and you’ll find the guy. It might take awhile, but there are people out there who look in your eyes more than there phone, just gotta find em. 👍😉
thank you so much for sharing this insight and advice. you’re so right – gotta be patient! Hugs and love xox
Never SETTLE, God has the one he created just for you! Sometimes it just awhile to sort through all the rocks to find the true gem.
Thank you for this beautiful encouragement Nina. Amen to that – I do believe in His good plan for me! Hugs and love xox
I believed you mentioned in a previous post about being “old fashioned”. My advice is remain old fashioned but look outside the proverbial box that most people limit themselves to.
Make sure he has good work ethics, isn’t a clubber, drunk or druggy.
I’m under the impression faith is important to you, so glean what you can about his religious ideology before to many steps are taken or doors opened.
Don’t look for someone who “needs” taken care of, a 40 something body with an 18 yr old mind..umm no…grown children can be rather taxing on the mind, soul, and pocketbook..
Go to places you never would be looking for a date at.
Maybe a fishing pier or old boat yard, NYC got its life from the water, hard working folk there.
But before anything or anyone, seek wisdom in prayer.
That’s such great advice. Thank you friend. Yes – prayer first and foremost! Hugs and love xox
So sorry to hear about your dating disaster. I’ve encountered my dating ‘awkwardness’ when it came to the guy to take me out. First mistake was not being honest with me. He has children, which I highly respect and understand, but then he told me that he was single, but on his social media pages, it stated otherwise. Another hint that this guy was not good was that every date we would schedule to go out, I understand if he had to work, but it was always “something came up”, that resulted in me eventually hearing from him many months later. The last tip of the straw with this one guy was that he told me that we cannot go out with each other, but rather, he’d rather have night stands with me. What? 🙁 After that awkward moment, I made sure to lose any form of communication with this guy; by phone, social media, and I just prayed about it and wished him well.
The ‘Red Flags’ you get or receive is there for a reason and I receive a lot of them too. It let’s us know immediately that something is not right. These are also spiritual signals from God to get us out of the danger we’re in. Since we’re spiritually motivated and charged up, God is revealing the Truth about them before we could even turn to ask Him for His Help. There was another guy I had to depart myself from, a man that told me he was a Christian, but there was something highly ‘off’ about him. For some reason, over the phone, he sounded like an abusive guy, hollering at me and upset with me all the time. By me having MS, I had to attend my physical therapy, but when I told him this truth, he believed that I was lying. I was hurt by his faulty revelation and thoughts of me. I was upset with him, but I just let him go.
At this point, I turned to God like never before and prayed more than before. I found my comfort and support in his arms. I’m not perfect and neither do I expect someone to be perfect, but that sense of trust, understanding, and respect has to be there within the relationship.
By the way, I have similar points of pet peeves as you do. A friend wanted me to be the one to pay and obtain our transportation to and from our planned dating location. What? Lol.
Just know that God was watching your date and making sure that you were okay. I’m glad too… and sorry that you had to experience that moment. However, don’t give up. The right guy for you will come along soon enough when God brings him along in your life. Stay strong, Sis’, and everything will be okay. 🙂
Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. This is such great advice. I really appreciate it. And I’m sorry you had to go through those things! You’re so right – take it to prayer. Amen. Thanks again xox
Anytime, and thank you for sharing with us. 🙂
Granted, I don’t have tons and tons of dating experience, but that hasn’t stopped me from picking up on things/deciding what I do/don’t want from other people’s stories. 😉 I DO have experience with the ‘lots and lots of talking, then randomly stops’ (more times than I’d care to admit; c’mon guys!) And based on that, I have to say: a little text goes a long way; a phone call or even face to face is better, but AT LEAST have the courtesy if I message you to then say ‘thanks, but no thanks’ instead of repeatedly ignoring any genuine messaging convo I try to start with you and making me wonder if I’ve done something wrong. Rant over.
Anyway, I’m not sure what advice I can really give, but I would find a natural, chill way to set some immediate rules like no phones at the table and communicate, communicate, communicate. (It really does go a long way). Personally, I’d rather have a first date at a coffee shop because I’m into a quieter, more ‘intimate’ scene, but the same ‘rules’ would apply. Oh, and don’t settle. Ever. 🙂
Thanks so much for this thoughtful response. This is such great advice – communicate! Amen! Hugs and love xox
Can it be stipulated, before the date, phones will be turned off during the duration of the date? A guy’s willingness to do this, and follow through without being annoyed or impatient, must say a lot… Happy New Year, dear one.
Haha I love that so much. Love it!!! Happy new year to you too! Hugs and love xox
Well, my advice is decades old but I’m going to lay it out there. In college I got so frustrated with the dating scene for all the same reasons. Yeah most of us didn’t have cell phones but distractions were still there. You should feel special on a date. I decided flash and dash (ala the 80s image) wasn’t what I wanted. I was ready to give up on dating and just focus on me (we boomers are the “me” generation so what was so wrong with that 🙂 ).
I wasn’t as spiritual back in the day but I knew deep down God had all the answers. I spent a couple of weeks thinking about what I wanted in a man. I made a list (of course!). Then I very formally sat at my kitchen table and asked God to forgive me for not praying much and I asked for a husband that would love me, love God, be a family man, be a strong and supportive man, enjoy life, attractive (to me at least) on the inside and the outside, and willing to stay through the hard times (commitment). Someone I could grow old with. I told God I didn’t want to date anymore. I wanted a lifetime with this man I did not know. I wanted it all! and I boldly asked for it.
I went on several disastrous dates after that prayer. Knowing I had asked God for what I wanted, I found I could discern what wouldn’t work. I’m so glad didn’t settle for less than what God had planned for me.
Continue asking for what you want in a life-long partnership (husband) and continue seeking. Every “No this doesn’t work for me” is closer to your God endorsed “Yes!”
God Bless and Keep the Faith!
Hey friend thank you so much for your kind words and advice. that is so so true – I need to turn to God in prayer and trust that He has a good plan in store. thanks for this awesome perspective. big hugs to you xox
Well, I saw this diagram long ago but the diagram is talking about the foundation because behaviors can be changed but your heart has to change….. change the way you look at women, change how you treat them, ALSO many guys nowadays don’t seek Godly advice from older men…. because I am sure they can offer wisdom etc. I hope you keep trying and also proud of you for taking risks!!
Thank you so much for this great perspective. I appreciate your kind words! big hugs to you x
The only piece of advice I could give you is keep on trying and enjoy the moment. If there´s no one interested on the way, at least, make the most of it… Have fun and keep on scrutinising the dates you have, so we can give some advice to men that complain about not having great dates, too. They need to be talked straight away to make them understand… I hope it helps…
this is such great advice, thank you so much! big hugs xo
You are beautiful, and worth the effort to get to know. DON’T SETTLE. Definitely pay attention to the red flags. You’ll do fine because you know yourself, and you know you’re already complete in Christ.
Hi Tony, gosh thank you so much for your kind words and wonderful advice. Hugs and love xox
the bible says in 2 Corinthians 6:14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? This doesn’t mean that you cannot date men who are not christian, it means to be around those who do not upset the peace, who accept you as you are and respect the values you uphold.
Thank you so much for this awesome reminder. amen to that!! Hugs and love xox
Dating.. I’m completely out of it for a while, after an incident with my ex. We broke up not too long ago after four or so months. He’d tell me he could see us marrying each other, and spending the rest of our lives in each others company. In all honesty, I didn’t see us breaking up after such little time, but I guess that’s what happens when somebody messes up something so bad. Here’s a bit of a story: Two days before Christmas eve, he messaged me saying that his mother had told him that he’d be with my family that day, and we were going for a Christmas lunch at my Grandma’s. He was an absolute horror. I couldn’t work out whether he was two, or nearly fifteen. Lunch was chicken. He said repeatedly that it was all bones and so my mum had to get up and put some better pieces on his plate, which he still didn’t like, and freaking cut them up for him! At some point, he started clumsily shoving food in his mouth really fast and not chewing it. His mouth was open and you could see all that mashed up food. He kept staring at everybody really weirdly and getting out of his chair then coming back. Eventually, everybody was shoving napkins at me to give to him so he could spit the food out, but he wouldn’t. It took him 15 minutes to swallow one small mouthful. He treated everybody oddly and was abnormally loud and crazy. I didn’t even know who he was. He then told my family that he was ‘tired’ and went up to my grandparents bedroom and got in their bed. He messed it all up, and tried to initiate sex, or god knows what else. He wouldn’t come downstairs or even get out of their bed for hours! My mum had to come and talk to him numerous times and he kept talking shit. That’s the only way to put it. Then, he started rolling around under the covers and saying “It’s coming!” “It’s coming!” and then he farted really loudly. I was so horrified. When we had dessert, he made an inappropriate kissing joke about my mum, and served himself big, greedy portions. And then, he told everybody that he farted in my grandparents bed, and kept asking why I was being such a ‘sooky bitch.’ Then, he wanted to talk to me, so we went upstairs. He kept trying to touch me, trying to make it better. Trying to get my family to take pictures of us kissing, which I didn’t want. When we gave out presents, he asked my 90 year old grandmother if she had anything more for him. My mum, and both grandmas each gave him 20 bucks.. they had barely met him before. In the car, he told me that he wouldn’t have done anything if he had known I loved my family, and kept trying to suck up to my mum and give her reasons to convince me that his behaviour was a one off and not his fault. After the incident, he told me that I was never allowed to mention what happened. “You are not allowed to talk about what happened on Christmas Eve.” I said okay. “That’s a good girl. That’s the Maryam I know.”
I never believed that he was capable of being so horrible. I knew he was somewhat bipolar and I’d seen him hurt people in the past, but not like this. It was like he was possessed. His A grades and polite, mature (what a joke!) personality meant nothing after I saw what he was really like.
wow what an experience. thank you so much for sharing that with me. Yeah, that sounds like it was a really unsettling episode. Hugs and love xox
That’s okay. I’m sure you’ll have a great time though! best of luck x
Thanks again x
I’m sorry this is so long!
I don’t really talk about this part, but I think we were going to uh, “go there” that day. But something stopped me, and it wasn’t just his actions. I’m thankful for that, because I know I don’t always make great decisions, but It felt like God was intervening on my part. Saying that it was a mistake he wouldn’t allow me to make. That is love.
And no worries! i really appreciate you sharing your thoguhts!!
Well that was an unfortunate turn of events. I will say this, society has changed. I’ve run into similar situations with women in the dating world too, so I believe some people just “get it”. The following strategies are good for either men or women. It does take two to tango after all
Three and a Half Pro Tips for Dating Success
1. If you’re dating online, be incredibly insistent on actually speaking on the phone and setting up a first date the old school way. No text. We are not here for pen pals, right? The phone has a real authenticity to it. You will weed out the pool immediately.
2. No coffee dates. Or any other bs cop out blah, blah dates. For the love of all good things in this world I can tell you that this Canadian man enjoys learning what interests he and his date share and then building up a fun activity, or real experience to make both parties feel comfy. Use some creativity and have fun.
3. Avoid the online dating world. Sure, there’s the theory that this is how it’s done now, but really, how did our parents do it? I miss the high school days of putting effort in and writing handwritten notes to my girlfriend. Especially if we weren’t able to get together over the weekend. That was the excitement and effort we lack now when everyone is so connected.
Try just going to places you enjoy. I find bigger music events and functions for networking are prime for the types of driven, successful, creative and hilarious women I want to meet, so think about the end game and where you would find one of those unicorns.
3.5 if you do happen to get out there with someone, trying putting the phones in a basket at dinner, having a conversation and really trying get to know the person across from you. If this is too much to ask for even a first date, it likely won’t go any better down the road (though some people really are ignorant to this stuff and just need some coaching). Check out Mark Manson. He’s got a great formula, straight to the point.
Hope this helps you and your readership. And ladies, my biggest pro tip? Find a Canadian guy… we’re super polite, eh!
Hey Mike! Thank you so much for these awesome tips! i especially like the “phone basket” at dinner! count me in! I’ll have to to check out Manson. thanks again! Hugs and love xox
I could go on and on, but here’s just a quality to notice after a bit. Pay attention to impulsivity. If someone consistently acts without considering consequences, that means some future decisions may not have ideal results. If you end up with someone like this, ask yourself if you’re willing to accept the consequences of their possible future actions. There’s a fine line between spontaneity and impulsivity. That’s just one thing I wish I had known way back when! lol
thank you so much for this great advice! impulsivity – so so true. Hugs and love xox
Gotta ask! What is ghosting?
Here is my guy rule on a date night with my wife. I do not take out phones unless 1) we are somewhere with a view or something cool, and I want a picture Instagram can wait till later. 2) We are planning something and I need a calendar 3) We can’t remember something or need to google something, 4) we are expecting an important text.
AND for the luva gawd ALWAYS pick up the girl!!! Even in the college non car years I walked over to get her!!!!!
Sorry lady, but the right guy is out there!
hey Troy! thanks for sharing that great insight! ghosting is when you just disappear mid-text conversation. Or like you just stop returning phone calls without an explanation. Hugs and love xox
Yep you deserve better!
My dating advice (and take this with a grain of salt because it’s coming from a guy who has never been in a relationship, nor will I, likely, ever be mature enough to get into one) is to expect exactly what you want to expect from a guy. And don’t settle for less than what you expect. We’re a fickle gender and, more often than not, really just need to be put in our place. ‘Cause we’ve got egos. You just have to shut those down.
Shut down the egos – got it 🙂 thanks friend! Hugs and love xox
Hahaha…oh…dear Miracle Yello. You got me rolling on the floor girl. And the nerve on that guy to treat you like that. If it were up to me, he’d be sleeping with the fishes. But, thanks for the heads up. As for dating advice, I was hoping you’d have some lol. Anywho! Plus the giffy’s, especially the cat, was hilarious. I am sharing this with my folks (can’t stop laughing). Hmm Hmm…! Seriously though, thanks for sharing. I have questions to ask you but I’m sure you are overwhelmed with requests, yes? Ironically, it was about thoughts for dating and stuff. So its refreshing to see you writing about this.
What’s my dating advice:
-Pretty much everything you said about treating a lady
-when you meet up, sign out of all social media.
-Be honest. Tell your date to put away a phone or something and be honest about just wanting to get to know them. If there are really interested, they’ll appreciate. It’ll show humility, willingness to learn…etc. I say this because sometimes, people can get carried away. But, you are right. Stop everything for the one in front of you.
-If it gets awkward, be honest about it. For instance, “I’ll be honest. Its a bit embarrassing for me to say, but it feels awkward trying to talk while you yell at the tv.”
That’s all I got.
Hahah aw thanks Ish, glad this made you laugh!! And thanks for passing it along. And thanks for the great advice! I especially like signing out of all social media! Woo! Hugs and love xox
My Dad always taught me that you don’t just pick up your date, you go to her door, you walk her to your car and you open her door for her. I still open the door for my wife; not just the car, but at the restaurant, at stores, wherever. I know, I’m old fashioned. Yes, and put your phone away. I believe it should be that way whether it’s a date or you go to your friend’s house for dinner. I am still guilty of peaking at the TV when a game is on, but I try to keep it at that. And, texting is not an appropriate way to break up or propose or apologizing when you mess up (if you mess up, admit it, say your sorry, ask forgiveness). But do it face to face. When looking for someone, find out what that person’s character is, what he believes and does he have integrity. I had a post about this from a biblical standpoint on my blog. My wife always told her girls to look at how their date/boyfriend treats their mother. If they don’t treat their mother well, that is a red flag to stay away.
Hey again Dave! Thanks for this awesome advice. Aw I love that old fashioned style! So refreshing!! Amen to that! They’ve gotta love their mama!!! Hugs and love xox
I figured out something. My mathematician friend and I defined what you listed as a single person with the listed attributes. Every generation has this unachievable, much loved but unrealistic individual. The quarterback, captain of something, Mad Men, all the way back in time. The idea of catching one of these mythical men and having them behave is, probably as old as romance itself. The fact is, if you could afford the luxury of time or money…why date a normal guy?
Now that is something to think about
When someone asks “what’s my type?” I say, the one that loves me back.
Save that hug for me.
Hi BBB, great post! Don’t give up! Mr Right is waiting for you out there. I think you will know him when you find him. It is often about timing. And patience…
I knew I was going to marry my wife three days after our first date. I didn’t tell her that at the time of course. I’m not silly. She would have run the other way if I had told her. We got engaged four years later.
Thanks so much! Oh wow what a beautiful love story you have 🙂 Hugs and love xox
A lady might have swung almost all the red flags in the list before me, on Monday. What’s worse(or am I being paranoid) is that, she protected herself with excuses.
I didn’t feel so good. I felt she’s been acquainted with a certain category of men for too long. When she had begun tossing the..date, mentally I had backed out. Nothing in me was pleased about her integrity which she just defied. No bone, no will of mine was gonna compromise by any means to assist her then. If I try to explain why I wasn’t quite pleased (after everything!) She might go down with the thinking that i have no grace, no long suffering. But really, I believe etiquettes are for application. And so, something has to be called out to change something. Or else, we may not KNOW change at all.
Maybe people don’t know enough ABOUT etiquettes. Or recall to practice them. Or worse still, believe they’d come across people who have some etiquette.
So, sister, preach on!
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on this. Lots of truth bombs here!! Hugs and love xox
If this is a repeat, I am sorry. When I hit submit, it failed because of my connection status, so here I go to try and repeat a very in-depth thought, I hope it is better than the original. Feel free to edit these sentences out.
Dating, in general, I think it is worse, the men are worse, because they can go fishing for dates so much easier online than actually having to go somewhere and meet and greet so to speak.
I personally think you should not advertise that you are looking for a man, because this draws the same natured man that you do not want, they think: Hey, she’s looking and guess what, I am a man! I would put that you are in a relationship, and you are, with Jesus Christ, on your status. This will hopefully cut down on the piranha’s and the folks that really want to know you, regardless of your relationship status will be easier to find and spot.
I have up on the “in love” relationship, at my age, my experience, I am no longer looking for love, that has failed me. I am looking for a best friend, someone that I can talk to, say anything, have fun with drink coffee, go camping and just relate to at the deepest level. What’s funny, is the woman I have had the best conversations with have turned out to be married. So often I am disappointed, because it is usually mentioned they are married after we’ve had a moment, to me, that was she seems cool, I’d like to get to know her better . . . and then the other shoe. But, that’s the type of woman I want a relationship with is someone that respects it as I do.
So, that’s my thoughts. Minimize the publicity of your desire to have a relationship, be conscious of people that seem to want to know you for you first. My prayers and love are always with you. God Bless!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I think you really hit on an important theme here and that’s being best friends with the person. So important. Thanks for this great food for thought and I wish you luck out there!! I’ll be praying for you! Hugs and love xox
Hugs and love to you too.
I think dating is dying. By which I mean what we call “dating” is actually a particular cultural practice that evolved in a particular social situation, but the social environment that sustained it has gone. Western civilization is replacing it with other practices, but – especially for those working within a faith-bound perspective – those practices are themselves undesirable.
Furthermore, *everyone* seems very confused as to what the appropriate etiquette is, or what is desirable. I’m socially retarded, so I’d expect myself and some others to be confused, but from observation everyone seems to be confused, a natural consequence I expect of rapidly shifting mores. I don’t have any answers, let alone advice (this area is not a strength for me), but I suspect trying to hold onto what is in the grand scheme of history a very short-lived social institution is not going to work in the long run. Since what the modern West offers as a new alternative doesn’t seem all that great, some other alternative will eventually have to be found. But that could take decades, so I guess people have to make do in confusion for the time being.
I do think, however, that the crux of the whole matter is learning what other people’s characters are truly like. And I think here it’s possible to put too much store on some of the externals. It’s possible for some truly predatory characters to put on a very good show, and appear outwardly charming and chivalrous, for their true character to only appear at a later date (pun not intended).