The Generation that Killed Romance

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Our generation is going to go down as the generation that killed romance.

Among other things.

But the death of chivalry and courtship will be our legacy.

And I blame one thing: Dating Apps.

Ugh.

Bumble. Tinder. The League. Hinge. Coffee Meets Bagel. OKCupid.

Online dating is a close to 2 billion dollar industry. As they say, there’s a sucker born every minute. And I’m ashamed to admit: I am one of those suckers.

Now, admittedly, I’ve never actually gone on a date from one of those apps. But I do have profiles on at least three of those aforementioned sites. But granted…it’s out of millennial obligation.

Since the emergence of the dating apps, I have come to notice something very depressing:

Men don’t know how to approach women anymore.

And sure, I guess I should be fair and not exclude women from that. But in my traditional mind, I’ve always been one to allow the man to approach first.

But seriously, since dating apps have become so insanely popular…men just don’t saddle up and strike up a conversation anymore.

Listen, we’re friends. I can be honest with you. I’m not a grotesque looking individual. I mean, I have all my teeth. I wear clothes that match. And if you catch me on a good day, my hair will even be washed and styled.

Shop this look!

What I’m trying to say is that, I typically don’t repulse men. At least until they talk to me.

But it just baffles me the decline in social skills, and frankly – courtship knowhow – which has taken a nosedive since we’ve all started relationships with our iPhones.

Clearly, I’m frustrated.

I was at church last weekend. I walked 30 minutes there and 30 minutes back to go to the parish where there are the most straight, single men. I was wearing a super cute outfit. Hair done. Fresh application of make up. And my highlighter on fleek. Sat on the aisle. I was ready. And sure enough, there were several cute fellas in attendance that night. No wedding rings. No girlfriends. Just 4 tall drinks of water. 🙂

So afterwards, I just kind of hung around in the lobby for a little bit. I was flipping through the bulletin close to the door — practically begging to be talked to.

And no man took the bait.

Not one.

I was so annoyed.

So I decided to do an experiment. I was going to actually do the dating apps.

Here were the rules: Thursday night: reach out for one hour on my sites, and “swipe right” on the men I found interesting. No one younger than 23 or older than 30. Must live in NYC. And then I had to actually try and engage for the entire weekend. That means: always reply, promptly. And I had to keep the conversation going.

And let me just tell you. It was exhausting.

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Come Sunday night, I was trying to keep 23 different conversations going with different men, most of whom, I couldn’t even remember which name matched which thumbnail, or who I thought was genuinely interesting, or who was as dull as a doorknob.

And that Sunday night, I again, in my “single-and-ready-to-mingle” church outfit, I walked the distance to go to the “cute guy” parish…only this time, I arrived two minutes late because I had a couple last minute Bumble replies I had to deal with.

So no aisle seat this time.

After church, instead of flipping through the bulletin by the door to try and catch the eye of the handsome guy who did the readings, I was instead greeted by 8 new message notifications that I had to reply to.

And it was at this point, that it hit me.

This is the problem.

First, I’ll let you be the first to tell me that my priorities were wrong at church. Which, yes, I get it. But to be fair, I know that God really wants me to find a good man to be my husband, and honestly – Jesus is the best wingman. So, I’m okay with using Church as a meeting ground for love.

But aside from that, what I had experienced during that weekend experiment of “doing the apps” is precisely why romance is officially six feet under, and we’ve got a bunch of man-childs walking around and expecting to hook up on the first date!

We have made it entirely too easy, AND overwhelmed them with a pool of ready and willing  options.

He’s no longer ordering the lobster or filet mignon off of the 5-Star menu, he’s sampling a little bit of everything off the Carnival cruise buffet.

And what does that leave you, friends?

Fat. Stuffed. And prediabetic.

After trying to keep 23 conversations going for three days, I realized very quickly that, a) the conversations didn’t actually amount to anything. They were all surface. They were all forgettable. And frankly, I’m not going to learn anything about you, really, from a witty three line bio that your best friend in marketing wrote for you, and a conversation about where you grew up, or what bars you like in the city.

But the real kicker is that, by having 23 “potential interests” literally in my pocket, not only did it completely take me out of the present moment, but it kind of made the actual men in my physical vicinity become rather irrelevant.

If I were one to actually buy into the whole dating app thing, it would be like flirting and courtship wouldn’t even matter, because I could literally meet someone from my couch in sweatpants while watching Netflix with Cheetos crumbs on my fingertips.

Not that I’ve eaten a Cheeto since 2001.

But you know what I mean.

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I’m going to go right out and say it.

Dating apps have allowed men (and yes, women) to be the absolute worst social version of themselves.

Apps give us permission – if not encourage us – to: Flake. Be superficial and judge solely on looks. Be chauvinistic or lewd in how we converse to one another. Date a bunch of people at once – if not on the same night! Ghost. Be promiscuous. And for men: to expect a woman to “go Dutch” on a first date and get her own transportation to/from.

Which, for the record: I will always offer to pay for my part of the drinks/date, BUT I am a firm believer that a man should pay for the first date if he initiated it. So sue me.

I am just…ready to pull my hair out.

I have since deleted all the apps on my phone.

And you might be saying, “But what about those 23 guys that YOU are guilty of just ghosting?” 

Frankly, I’m not losing sleep over exiting a conversation where the deepest it got was about my childhood dog’s name. — Which is precisely the problem, in a nutshell.

The take away:

This was a classic example of “the grass is always greener.” The fact is: there were 4 “tall drinks of water” there – in the flesh – at church…an establishment where even my mother told me I should find my husband. But I was too wrapped up in my phone to notice.

So patience, Caralyn, is a virtue. And I need to trust in God’s timing, and not try to control everything through a dumb dating app that is literally rotting the romantic parts of our brain, and conditioning us to a cheap version of a love story. Kinda sounds like what porn has done to our young men’s minds. But that’s a story for a different day.

If you need me, I’ll be flipping through the bulletin in a sundress at church, desperately waiting for a cute boy to look up from his phone and talk to me.

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370 thoughts on “The Generation that Killed Romance”

  1. Couldn’t agree more with this post!! I haven’t done the dating apps for that reason. Alas, I will admit, I’ve done the online routes though. It’s rather exhausting, isn’t it? Ugh! Great writing and reflection. Loved your comment about Jesus being the best wingman! 🌸😊 ~Kelsey

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    1. Thanks so much Kelsey! Ugh SO exhausting. Good luck with your romantic pursuits 🙂 yes! He IS the best! And matchmaker too 🙂 hehe Hugs and love xox

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    1. Thanks friend, i appreciate the encouragement. That’s so true – ALWAYS on time. Have a great night! Hugs and love xox

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  3. I love this! (not that it’s hard for you to find someone, but your insight and commentary.). I have always thought that if you are running with Jesus, look who is beside you and THAT is who you will find the Jesus in your to be one of your beautiful traits 🙂

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    1. Aw thank you so much!! That is such a beautiful thought. And so true! He is always beside us 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  4. You might be too ready, that can show. You may have to go back to the Midwest to find the values you seek. Hang in there you are a babe by anyone’s standard.

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  5. Wow, 23 conversations, I have had 3 of them. But, I am not any of the top quality sites – but regardless, I had thought I’d have more conversations that 3. In all three of them, they ended because I was hoping I would not have to carry the conversation like I was – but no effort at the beginning – one of those red flags I now listen too. However, my profile may be too rough for most. In my age bracket, it seems as though the woman truly are not looking for a relationship, they are looking for a replacement. Don’t take me from my comfort zone, what I am use to and I’ll like you – maybe.

    I have decided this is how I am reacting to the dating world. I am unique, I am not looking for anyone, I am looking for someone specific – they are not it. I want someone to share my love of Jesus Christ with, be involved in that relationship with me and through that, we both grow and allow Jesus t guide us. Since I am on God’s timing, it’s just not the time yet God has scheduled.

    In the defense of the men, you are unique, you are not the average woman, you cannot find the unique man for you in the average pool.

    God Bless, praying for you!
    Leland

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    1. That is such a great way of approaching it, Leland: someone specific with Jesus to guide you both. Amen to that. Thanks for the encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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    1. Haha yeah you should thank your lucky stars! Haha oh gosh thank you so much! I really appreciate that! Hugs and love xox

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  7. Caralyn! Always on point!!! Dating apps… I do them for a while then I get bored of think nothing of substance is happening (or get scared about the future if something does actually workout) and I delete the app.

    I was dying over “man-child’s” and “prediabetic”! 😂😂

    Listen to episode #27 of Help! I suck at dating podcast with Dean Unglert (from the bachelorette, which I know you love)! He and Jared Haibon discuss guys and first date paying…. interesting 🙂

    Love your posts as always!
    ❤️ Heather

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    1. Aw Heather you’re so sweet. Thank you so much! Glad this responses and have you a chuckle 🙂 hehe and OH GURL – I never miss an EPISODE of DeanieBabies’ podcast! 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 hahaha but seriously though it was a great one 🙂 thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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  9. okay, disclaimer. never done dating apps. I have been happily married for going on 40 years.

    Does your church not do coffee and donuts after church? Look for a church that does. That may be difficult with a large (catholic, maybe) church. The church that we go to is a lot smaller than most Catholic churches. The small size allows everyone to get to know one another.

    I met my wife going to a folk dance at MIT with my roommate and his girlfriend, together with girlfriend’s roommate. We did this a few more times and started to date without the roommates. The rest is history.

    Good luck with the search.

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    1. Wow 40 years, that’s amazing Joe! Congratulations! So I go to evening mass actually, so no coffee afterwards. But that’s a great idea. And awww folk dancing! That’s such a sweet love story! Thanks for sharing! Hugs and love xox

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  10. I cannot begin to express how glad I am to be 1) in my late 50s and 2) happily married for 28 years. If I were to find myself single again I would freak out at the thought of dating again. Praying for you!

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    1. Hahaha thank you so much JP ! 28 years, that’s so beautiful. Thanks for the prayer – I definitely need them! Keeping you in mine as well 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  11. Really great read and I couldn’t agree any less, technology poses to help and make life easier, but in reality kills the very virtues that makes for true connection and the foundation for a lasting relationship; communication. We need to get off our phones, look around us, brave up and walk up to the girl or pay attention to the guy (and not snub him), and have a good conversation.
    Let’s be the generation that revives romance.
    Thank you for writing this.

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  12. Mine is a generation before technology, cell phones, social media, death of manners and common courtesies … so I can say this. Your generation is rotted to the core due in huge part to the misuse and abuse of technology. By and large y’all haven’t a clue on how to connect or relate … or COMMUNICATE … with one another. Yours in a generation of ME ME ME and hiding behind screens and oh boy have the social “skills” suffered for it! On a personal note, I’m very grateful to have been born long before the Great Decline and Demise of Basic Human Interactions. I’d be so deeply embarrassed and ashamed of my generation were I your age, in your shoes.

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    1. That is so so true. How is it that we’re all communications majors in college and yet can’t do that very thing?! Haha thanks for stopping by Hugs and love xox

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  13. Very true. Sadly, many churches are encouraging this behavior. Then some see relationships as a hindrance. Then
    you have some that have very high standards that they refuse to compromise on. Like the photo by the way.

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    1. Thanks so much JB. That’s very true – gotta keep those standards up 🙂 thanks 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  14. This was such an interesting post Caralyn. I unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, haven’t had any experience with those dating apps since I was born in a time when you actually had to use interpersonal skills to ask someone on a date. It’s going to be interesting how my kids will experience dating but I will strongly urge them to try it the “old fashioned” way.

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    1. Thanks Mark, yeah count yourself lucky!! I’m totally down for the old fashioned way! Haha Hugs and love xox

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  15. I think impatience is our own worst enemy, since coming out of a relationship (even a seriously bad one) I’m missing the closeness and affection 😭. Sure we have friends and church family but only our relationship with Christ tops the feel of love within a relationship ❤️

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    1. I think you’re so right about that. Patience, after all, is a virtue. One that I do not possess! Haha amen to that! God is good! Thanks for stopping by Benny! Hugs and love xox

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      1. I feel time isn’t on my side for finding a relationships, friends younger than me are marrying and having children, I’m about to reach a certain age milestone later this year, courting is very difficult at the best of times but having to deal with depressive episodes and anxiety make it worse with lack of self care and feeling unworthy.

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      2. God’s timing , though not always convenient, is always the best. He has someone He’s preparing right no just for you. Hang in there 🙂 sending so much love xox

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    1. Hey Walt! Nahhh that’s not the ONLY reason! It’s just a terrific bonus 🙂 no worries my friend, she’s still right here!! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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      2. Hahaha I gotcha 🙂 hehehe I will say though that my patience is running thin in the love department!

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  19. Caralyn, I am thankful for you speaking the truth. There’s a male blogger who wrote a similar post complaining about the travesty of dating apps as well. Perhaps I should connect you two? :-). I know my daughters that have tried the dating app game have said the same. We live in a culture that has lost touch with relationships, communication (period) let alone communication and courtship! When we walk around staring at our phones, something is wrong. Keep writing and speaking and you know, you may not meet Mr Right at church, but when you do, I would bet that you and he will know it even if you aren’t dressed to the nines in your sundress. Face it, you shine with beauty even if you were wearing your sweats without a touch of makeup. It’s inside you and no one would deny that. You got all of us rooting for you, so, he will find you! Blessings!

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    1. Thank you so much! Haha, nice! Why not?! 🙂 you’re so right – we’ve completely lost touch with those things. Thanks for this wonderful encouragement. Also – my mom and i are considering doing el camino! 🙂 Big hugs xox

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      1. Are you really?! That’s great. It changed my life Carolyn. What an amazing thing for her to try after her health scare! Remarkable. Have you seen “I’ll push you”? A Camino story of two dear friends where the one pushed the other in the Camino. Powerful film. ❤️❤️❤️

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      2. Yes! Oh that’s so amazing to hear. Yeah she’s a trooper for sure 🙂 no I haven’t but I’ll add it to my list! Hugs and love xox

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  20. I definitely had a chuckle at this! I just have to say this – although I agree that we are in a very different generation that relies heavily on social media and the internet to literally do anything these days, but it’s not all our fault right?! We pay our bills online, we order groceries online and have them delivered to us now, we shop online, some people run businesses online… some of it just boomed while we were growing up that we kind of just.. grew with the change in times. However – that does not give people the excuse to be jerks! I have known for the last couple years to be careful about the online things, I actually refuse to order my groceries online because I feel like going grocery shopping allows me some interaction on the weekends!!

    With all of that being said – I actually met my now (still fairly recent) fiancé on Match. I chose to online date because all of the men I seemed to meet I had a hard time connecting with in person. Whether it was them being weird or most likely me LOL, but it was hard. I went on quite a few dates before I met my fiancé, all okay I guess, BUT – my fiancé when I got to the location, stood up, got my chair for me, offered to pay, walked me out to the car, thanked me for a great time, and then asked me for my cellphone number because he would love to take me out again. As much as I thought chivalry was dead, he reminded me that it isn’t fully dead yet and it really is up to us in this generation to keep it going. Raise strong women to know their worth, and raise men to be chivalrous and respectful.

    If you are patient, and believe that there is someone out there for you (because there IS 🙂 ), he will find you just like mine did ❤

    Love your blog so so much! I follow maybe 5 people and you are one! Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words! And thank you for sharing your story! Congratulations on your engagement!! That is so exciting 🙂 I think match.com is definitely in a category of its own. It doesn’t have the same reputation as say, Tinder. It is way more serious for people looking for true love. I’m so glad that it worked out for you and your fiancé! What a beautiful love story. 🙂 Thank you for the wonderful encouragement. I am honored you follow!! Big hugs to you xox

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  21. I’m a bit skeptical if men, at least some if not many, ever knew how to approach women, as evidenced by the #MeToo movement.

    My own few romantic whirls were often initiated by a woman dropping a proverbial handkerchief my way, if that’s any help. That isn’t technically approaching the man first, it is simply giving some handsome young man an opportunity to be gallant and come to your rescue.

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    1. That’s a really really great point. Oh yes! Dropping the handkerchief! I recently heard that saying and it is my new favorite thing. So true! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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  22. Good article, and unfortunately, very true! I think that we have moved from a “slow cooking” society where friendship morphs itself into dating and then into a long lasting marriage, to a “microwave” society that expects to have everything in a very short amount of time by showing only the surface, and not taking the time to know the underlying treats of a person. That creates an urgency to “look our best”, to impress, instead of connecting to a deeper level. And the place makes no difference, because a person who shows occasionally to church for the sake of dating can be easily spotted, and therefore labeled as a non-spiritual worthy person. A relationship based on faith cannot succeed on a “bump-into” mode (although is not impossible). It’s usually in a “friends first” mode that evolves with time. Just like in other aspects of life, there are no shortcuts in love.

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    1. Thank you so much Alejandro. So many great points to ponder here. I miss that slow cooker! Hugs and love xox

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  24. There are a number of issues in connection with the current generation which make it harder to link up for life the way I see it. We are now taught from primary school upward we evolved from bacteria in a primeval slime pit. There is no God involved and certainly if there is he is disinterested in us and we do not have His image. Then there is no hereafter, this existence is all we have. So increasingly it’s all about the survival of the fittest and what I want is what I get and I want it now. So something permanent like a relationship for life is increasingly unacceptable in that context. We contact to get and not to give. Does it sound like your dating aps? My advice is hang around your church because these people are more likely to have a belief system which involves assurance of a Higher Power who is interested enough in us to eventually pluck us out of this mess we call our world, and that leads to a belief in ourselves and the potential goodness in others. In this environment the men in your church are probably just as bewildered as you are and don’t know how to find someone who would love them and who they could trust to stay with them for the rest of their life. There is nothing cheap about you greeting any of these men with a cheery smile and a little conversation. It was such a welcome to church I received from the one who has been my wife for 54 years now that started a spark which eventually bought us together. Pray about it and wait for the Lord to surprise you. I will also pray you find someone as nice as you and someone with a set of moral values that matches yours.

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    1. lots of great food for thought here, Ian. Thank you so much for sharing. So true – my mom always told me that with a marriage, you should go into thinking what can I give – not what I can get out of other. That will simply just lead to failure i’m afraid. and wow – 54 years – that is so beautiful! congratulations!!! what an inspiration! Hugs and love xox

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  25. This is a very important conversation, and I’m so glad you started it. Young men need to learn to be men and to step up to the plate. Being a man not only means having the courage to approach a woman and ask her out, but it means knowing how to treat her with respect and to be the man she needs (solid, supportive, protective, a provider). And, just as importantly, a woman needs to let her man know she is appreciative of his masculine nature, while still demanding he control his masculine impulses with gentlemanly behaviors.

    To be fair, it has never been easy to meet potential mates. But I truly think the electronic age and, in particular, dating apps, have made the situation worse, not better. What used to be the bedrock of our civilization is becoming a thin veneer. Hopefully, things will change soon. Don’t give up! And more importantly, keep your standards high.

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    1. Thank you so much! I appreciate you joining the conversation! that’s so true – respect, both ways, is so so important. amen to that! I really appreciate the encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  27. Thank you for helping me not feel like an old geezer! “What’s with these kids nowadays?!?” I guess the Dating Prof hit a bit close to home, eh? I feel your pain, Caralyn. When I was looking for the future Mrs. King I was having a hard time of it. Past 25 and no prospects and no places to meet any. I finally found her when I went back home to Toledo, and started going to the singles group at the church we both grew up in.

    So hoping to meet someone at church is not a creepy, improper goal in going to church. Shouldn’t be the ONLY goal, of course! Where else are you going to meet a Christian person? A bar? Pretty long odds on the latter!

    Juggling 23 guys on apps? Sheesh! I don’t think I was ever talking to more than 2-3 girls at once. That in itself is a symptom of something gone wrong! How much decent attention can you pay to any one of them?

    I remember telling you how I tried to pick one or two married women when I was young, only because they didn’t have their rings on at the moment. Attractive, nice conversation, give it a go. 30 years ago I would’ve taken a chance on you. Point being, it isn’t you that’s the problem. No one knows how to be people anymore and interact live and in person. I was just shocked at how bad it’s gotten when I read the Dating Prof article.

    I’ve told you before; step up your game. Make a first move. I know that isn’t your style, but it’s a different world. Walk up to one of those guys at church and ask if he’d mind sitting with you; you’re tired of sitting alone. See what happens. Can’t hurt!

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    1. Hey Jeff! thank you so much for this awesome response. See! Church really IS the best place! 🙂 Such a great beginning to a love story 🙂 I know – the ONLY reason i was conversing with those guys was because of the commitment to the experiment i was doing. i know i was going to get a post out of it, so i had to follow the rules. but hot dang, it was way. too. much. That’s great advice. Perhaps this Sunday I’ll strike up a convo. 🙂 thanks for your awesome encouragement, as always! Hugs and love to you and Julie! xox

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  28. Yeah, it’s depressing, isn’t it? There are a lot of scammers on dating sites, too. They’re morons who profess immediate love for you and then ask for money. There have been a few times in my life where I’ve been bored enough to keep stringing them along for hours, without revealing that I’m on to their charade. (I give them fake information about myself, and never any money, of course.) Also, a lot of dating web sites have fake profiles, set up to get you to pay for membership. I’m in the same boat as you, and I’d love to find a man with good values. I hope it happens for us!

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    1. Hey Meg! It really is! yeah, that’s true – lots of scams. And in doing research for this article i read that 2/3 of people lie on their dating profile about SOMETHIGN – be it height, job title, income, etc. Thanks for sharing your heart! good luck out there! Hugs and love xox

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  29. Lol Are you sure those guys weren’t blind! That’s sad! But you should give up dating apps. I doubt you’ll find God’s will for your life there. I think you should visit different churches… I would check out non-denominational community churches if I were in your shoes. My friends met through e-harmony, and they have been married 12 years, have six children, and they are great people who love God. I pray the Lord will answer your prayers too. I can tell you are looking, but don’t rush: wait for God to answer. The ideal person will ultimately help you in your walk with God, not be a hindrance to it. Keep Him first, and He’ll grant you the desires of your heart.

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    1. hahaha oh my gosh Marcelo, you’re funny. thank you – you’re too kind!! And i really appreciate your prayers. That’s great advice – wait for His answer! amen to that. Hugs and love xox

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  30. My oldest daughter tried the ok cupid route for a while. She met some of them at coffee shops and made a few friends, but there were none that rang the bell. She said there were a lot of and I quote, “creepers” that emailed/texted her. She has pretty much decided the same…she is done with the dating thing until someone of interest just happens along. The thing is that when it is the right time, then it is the right time, and Mr. Right will not be Mr. Wrong if the time is right. Sometimes, it takes some maturing to know what you are looking for in a person, and for them to become the person you want them to be, and you to become the person that they want you to be. God’s time is best. When the right person comes along, you will be in the right place in your life and the right frame of mind to recognize them, and so will they…it will all just easily mesh together. If it is too hard and too much drama…most people don’t want to live their lives with that…a life of peace in your home is a wonderful thing. I pray that God will bring someone for you and also for my daughter who can be life long companions to you.

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    1. Hi Charlene, thank you so much for sharing that. Yeah, creepers for sure. Thank you so much for this encouragement – God’s time really is the best. I appreciate your prayers so much. I will keep your daughter in my prayers as well! Hugs and love xox

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  32. I like what you wrote, and I remember the desire to meet someone at church. However, I think in order for that to work, its helpful to get involved with something. I don’t know if it happens in Catholic churches, but joining a small group, or volunteering for an activity, can allow you to meet people in a less formal, less pressured environment. It’s just like in a the job arena. You have to create a network! It’s who you know. You’ll see.

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    1. Thank you so much Melissa! That is really great advice! i’ll look into so volunteer work in the city – that’s a really wonderful plan! so so true! big hugs xo

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  33. As a 45 year old survivor of 3 marriages: they never have known how to approach women. As mothers, it is our responsibility to TEACH THEM. But most women are just as clueless.

    So find your The One candidate. Pray over if he’s a good risk. If you get a yes – teach him. By being his friend. By learning how men need to be approached to feel understood. Leave actual tools for him to learn how you need to be approached to feel understood.

    Jesus is about treating others the way you’d want to be treated. I’m guessing that doesn’t mean giving your guy what you’d want literally as an object, though that would be easy. But to make sure your actions help him feel worthy, empowered, strong-in short,valuable & real. And that is your guys job toward you, too.

    I’m grateful I have such a person in my life now. If The one you chose doesn’t make you a better person in ways Jesus would recognize – then they’re not ‘the one.’

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story, MT. You’re so right – we must teach them! And you’re right on – we must pray for our significant other. Amen amen amen! So happy you found your person! Hugs and love xox

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  34. Before dating apps were invented, dating was horrible. Now it sounds like it’s still horrible. From the single man’s side of the hill, in the 1960s and 70s, dating mostly consisted of ramping up one’s courage to speak to an attractive woman and 99% of the time getting shot down. The other 1% of the time, you took her out and dropped money that you didn’t really have, and then she shot you down a little later.
    I’ve been married, thank God, for 40+ years and if I thought I’d ever have to get back into dating, I would plotz. Did I mention the joys of getting stood up? And then there was the dating service, where you filled out a questionnaire to get a compatible match and they got you together with a chick from Pluto.
    I have never used any kind of app in my life, not even sure what one is, and feel very sure I can continue indefinitely without apps. But I can testify that marriage is better than dating.
    Patty and I met at work and got to know each other before I asked her out. So we had an advantage–we already liked each other.
    Yes, being a single guy was infinitely frustrating. When I think of all the Yankee games I missed because I was out with some not-very-nice dingbat, I sigh a deep sigh.
    But God had something in mind for me a great deal better than anything I ever asked Him for.

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    1. Thank you so much for this great response. 40 + years! That’s so awesome! Thank you for sharing your story with Patty. So inspiring. Thanks for then encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  36. You are not alone in your experiences. Not only have I deleted the apps, I stopped thinking continuously about finding my soulmate. My thoughts, if what you are doing isn’t working, do something else. You are on the right track. Hope your church tall glasses of water eventually quench your thirst. 😉

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  37. My prayer for you is that Jesus will prompt you to initiate a conversation with a church guy. These dudes may be just as shy as you and therefore go home thinking she’s too pretty to talk to me. So may Jesus whisper in your ear this is the dude I want you to talk too.
    As for me I shall enjoy my husband of 27 years and five more of dating and thank God I do not have to date in this horrible hook up generation. I’d be lonely and dried up because no guy no matter how hot is getting sex out of me after a Dutch date! Peace,
    Rachel

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    1. Thank you so much Rachel for your prayers and kind words. 27 years! That’s so awesome!! Congratulations. Very inspiring. Hahaha Hugs and love xox

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  38. I’m a guy and I agree with this. Praise God for this wonderful post. After all, men should be the ones pursuing women and not the other way around. Although I’m familiar, I have never actually tried any existing dating apps. In my opinion, it is the culture that is the real problem. The culture of men nowadays not stepping up, taking the lead, pursuing a girl, and risking rejection. The culture of drifting in life and having no commitment.

    I view dating apps as sort of “upgrading” an already negative culture. As a Christian, this area in our life is a real battlefield indeed, for both men and women. These knight-in-‘battered’-armor should polish their once shining armor, saddle up and take charge! (Okay, I’m starting to get imaginative here haha!)

    I would like to thank you for posting this, it gave me a renewed vigor on posting an entry about love and relationships because there are a lot to say about it. To end, I would like to share a quote from the book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” by Joshua Harris:

    “Look for, and work on becoming, a man or woman who, as a single, seeks God wholeheartedly, putting Him before anything else. Don’t worry about impressing the opposite sex. Instead, strive to please and glorify God. Along the way you’ll catch the attention of people with the same priorities.”

    Grace be with you, God bless.
    -Mark, Bookmarks & Highlights

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    1. Thank you so much Mark, for sharing your thoughts and perspective. You’re right – there needs to be a shift in the culture, not just the apps. Love he quote! Hugs and love xox

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  39. Great experiment!!!! I actually met my boyfriend on an online dating app, but didn’t consider it “dating”, until we met face-to-face. He and I are old-school and expect all the older traditions of dating. I admit, we text, we Skype, we talk on the phone, but we have committed to meeting as often as possible – we live over 575 miles apart!! It’s been a blessing to know eachother’s hearts and souls more so than our physical being. And I will admit, I fix my hair and make up for our Skype converstations (again, we do not consider it a “date”).

    I agree, your conversations have to go deeper than “what’s the name of your childhood dog”…. lol!! If a gentleman is willing to ask the tough questions and wants to know your inner soul, that makes the difference!!

    May God bless your heart’s desires and grant your biggest wish!!

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    1. Thank you so much Melinda! Oh my gosh what a beautiful love story! Thanks for sharing that – it gives me great hope!! So true – gotta get to soul levels 🙂 thank you for your kind words and prayers! Will keep you and your bf in mine as well!! Hugs and love xox

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  40. Every time I read your posts about dating, I wish I were 1) 25 again, single again, Catholic at age 25, and fully understood how the Catholic teaching on sexuality is intended foster healthy, happy families.
    Don’t be too hard on your generation. The sex/dating/relationship dilemma has been percolating for well nigh 150 years, since rubber was first vulcanized (bringing the advent of the inexpensive condom). With the oral contraceptive came high reliability that the female could be responsible for and control.
    There was nothing then, to stop sex from become nothing more than primal recreation for millions.
    Hang on for the man who wants the full beauty of Catholic marriage.

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    1. Thank you so much David for this encouragement. You’re right – gotta hold strong for the right man God has in store! Hugs and love xox

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  41. Dating apps terrify me and this post just solidified that. You’d be surprised who could drop into your life when you least expect it though. Keep the faith alive!

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  42. Those dating commercials are kind of funny but its so fake. Maybe except for a select few dating sites is a huge waste of time.

    Its not just the dating sites, its a lot of other reasons. Living in a family where my parents fought daily, i never wanted to be involved in a relationship. Even if i wanted to give it a chance, subconsciously i would make sure anything wouldn’t happen. Eventually it came to the point where i stopped caring.

    Pretty sure that many guys have something similar, or they are simply too shy. In any case, dating sites are useless.

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    1. Thanks friend, for sharing your story. I’m sorry you have that memory of growing up. That’s a really great point. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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  43. My first date with my beloved wife (hope it is romantic enough for you.)::
    In the beginning
    Both Pat and I went to the University of Toronto’s Faculty of Library Science in 1968/69. On Fridays, some of us went pub crawling as soon as they opened at noon. We called it POETS Corner. Yes, you guessed it: it’s an acronym for Piss On Everything, Tomorrow’s Saturday. On Friday, November 15, 1968, Pat was a fellow student’s date at the Red Lion. I was attracted to her and sat beside her. When Steven Horne left her alone to talk to some of his buddies, I was there and since it was by now late afternoon, I asked her to supper. She said yes. She went home to Rochdale to change and I picked her up there. Rochdale had just opened and there were a lot of graduate students there, so you can’t assume that Pat was a hippy. (But we were kind of hippies – long hair and all.) We went to Hungarian Village on Bay Street.
    We had the Transylvanian wood platter for two. That is, three salads, rice, fried potatoes, beef tenderloin, Hungarian sausage, bacon, grilled pork chop, Wienerschnitzel, cabbage rolls, and pickled beets, all accompanied by a full bottle of the Hungarian wine known as “Bull’s Blood”. Between us (though mostly Pat), we polished it all off. Then we had apple strudel and two each apricot brandies (remember, we started the date drinking beer all afternoon!). After Hungarian Village, we went to hear Brownie McGhee and Sonny Terry at the Riverboat in Yorkville where we also had pastries and coffees. The date was not over yet, though it was past midnight. We went to Plaka, a Greek nightclub on Queen Street where we listened to Basuki players from Athens and threw dishes. There, we had two Zombies and a sharing tray of Greek cheese. I was thinking, boy, can this small girl ever eat and drink. I’m a foodie and was truly impressed. Got her back to Rochdale early Saturday morning and, after getting to know each other Hippie style, I proposed to her. She said “no.” Didn’t get much sleep before having to head off to my Saturday job at the undergraduate library at U of T. After work, I dropped by her place to ask her to Church on Sunday morning.
    Pat accepted, and came to the Church of the Redeemer with me on Sunday; this confirmed that Pat was the girl for me. I used to pray nightly that the first girl that attended Church with me would be the girl I married. It took two more askings but on February 9th (4 days after my birthday), she said she loved me and would marry me. On Valentine’s Day, we went together to buy her engagement ring. Her finger was so slim the jeweller had to cut down a size 4. We were married at St. Stephen’s-in-the-Fields on June 21, 1969.
    Oh, I should explain why she was able to eat so much on that first date. The National Library paid Pat a small monthly salary to go to Library School on the first of each month. Pat had used it to buy herself a new coat and had been living on rice for 15 days. She never ate like that again. However, for 47 years, every November 15, we made it a point to go to a Slavic restaurant to celebrate our first date. This past anniversary (2016) was the day we got the shock. Pat, who had been dealing with a strange blood clot in her legs, had accidentally taken a double dose of her anti-clotting medication and so went to emergency. The nurses and doctors were good natured, saying she was worrying about nothing. However, she then asked them to check out the pain under her sternum she’d been having. The Nurse Practitioner felt it, and didn’t like what she felt and ordered a CAT scan. Instead of celebrating the 48th anniversary of our first date, we sat in Emergency waiting for the results. Then came the news that Pat had pancreatic cancer, stage four. Huge shock! November 15, forever for me is now going to be mixed with the joy of our first date and the sorrow of that diagnosis.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. Gosh so many mixed emotions. I will be keeping pat in my prayers. I must say: you had quite the style there in ‘68. Those Apple strudels must have been pretty dang good 🙂 thanks again for this wonderfully encouraging note. Prayers going up! Hugs and love xox

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  44. First of all, you’re stunning. Secondly, you’re sooooo spot on, Darlin’, hittin’ the nail right on the head. As a relationship coach and sex educator, I have a front-row seat to all of the damage and fallout of modern millennial dating. But have hope! As hard as we moms hafta’ fight to empower our kids, it’s a well-fought battle. And, with God’s grace, moms such as myself, I humbly admit, wink wink, have managed to raise some pretty incredible kids like YOU. Never settle for less than God’s plan for you. Be blessed. xox

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    1. Oh my gosh Micki you’re so kind, thank you. Oh boy it sounds like you’ve got your hands full with your area of expertise! Amen! Thanks for the encouragement! Hugs and love xox

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  45. I learned a lot about dating and the opposite sex when I went back into the dating world a few years ago. It was scary. I did not find my wife until after I threw my hands up in surrender. When I stopped trying to help God out, God came through. I have no doubt He will reward you for keeping your standards high. He always keeps His promises.

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    1. Thanks Matthew for this powerful perspective. Surrender to God. Amen!! Thanks for the encouragement! Hugs and love xox

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  46. Simple problem. You are too good looking. As a man of many years beyond yours, with 42 years (and still counting) married, I can tell you that your good looks both attracts and intimidates many men. I don’t know how you can overcome your problem of being too pretty, after all you are a model!!! Many men who have egos big enough to ask you out are not the kind of men you are interested in dating. Many of those who are the kind of man you would be interested in are too intimidated by your looks. However, there are self-confident Christian men out there. So don’t give up.

    Are there any Bible studies that you could engage in? There you might meet a good man or perhaps the grandmother of one, someone to help you hook up with a good prospect. One of my favorite young couples was connected by their respective parents who knew each other through Sunday School. You need to engage your Christian friends and family in your search for a mate.

    My son and my brother in law both met their wives through on line match making services. Seemed to work for them, so I do not advise people not to do this. My son and his wive are committed Christians; but, they met via the internet in the Bible Belt, not NYNY.

    May God guide you through this time of searching, may He lead you to the right man for you, that you may be fruitful and multiply. Amen.

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    1. Oh my gosh you are seriously way too kind. Thank you. I am humbled by your words. That’s a great idea about the Bible study! I will look into it! And congrats on 42 years! That is really something beautiful. And inspiring. Thanks for the prayers! Hugs and love xox

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  47. Hang in there kiddo. You’re on the right track. But it is not enough to “do” the Sunday church thing and expect a happenstance meeting develop into something more. My unsolicited advice is to do more – give yourself fully to a godly endeavor. Bible Study, Mission Trip, Volunteer possibilities. .. whatever moves your heart. The right guy (for you) will show up when you stop looking for him but rather keep looking to God as your sufficiency. It’s exactly how God brought me and my wife together. Defies explanation but our meeting also defied all odds. We know God brought us together. It’s what He does.

    By the way, I love your blog. You’re a talented lady and there’s a guy out there who will appreciate everything that makes you you. Don’t ever forget that.

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    1. Thank you so much Michael, I really appreciate this great response. Such wonderful ideas! I’ll look into volunteering around the city. Amen. Hugs and love xox

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  48. I’ll agree that the modern “swipe right” culture has largely ruined the “norm” when it comes to dating. It’s abused the globalization of digital communication into a low commitment, large possibilities marketplace. I’ll also admit having used several different dating sites, and a couple different apps. I hate that in today’s society, if you don’t go to bars frequently or aren’t into the party scene, it can be painfully difficult to meet new people. And it’s even harder to meet people who are equally devoted to their faith and moral standards. And nobody is to blame any more or any less than another.

    Practically, I see dating as a way to get to know someone, not to pursue a serious relationship. That’s what courtship should be. Granted, I also believe that you should never stop “dating” someone once you’ve committed to a serious relationship, or even gotten married. But one of the saddening effects of the modern definition for “relationships” means there’s less commitment and more ambiguity, and people can get what they want without having the maturity to deserve that level of intimacy.

    So yes, dating apps are inherently part of the problem. A necessary evil perhaps, in this digital world, where communities don’t come together and bring people together like they used to. That doesn’t mean they can’t be used to find a good relationship. But it does mean you have to be very intentional and be willing to put yourself out there without any expectation of a positive response. That said, if you showed up at my church and stood in the lobby flipping through the bulletin, I’d approach you out of concern for your sanity, because we have a very small bulletin 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much for this thoughtful response, Luke. Lots of really great points here. I love that – never stop dating your SO. Amen! Hahah that’s funny about the bulletin!! Hugs and love xox

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  49. Hi,

    I just wanted to say that you’re quite attractive! Your posts are intelligent, witty, and often funny, but reading this I couldn’t help but notice that it sounds like you’re dreaming of a romantic meetcute with someone who lives in your neighborhood. In doing so you’re putting all of your eggs in that one basket. Like… you’re going to church searching for someone who you’re incredibly attracted to from the moment you lock eyes with them, who approaches you immediately and automatically says the right things and asks you out on a date at just the right moment, and who otherwise checks all of your boxes. That in itself might be a bit of a fantasy?

    Real relationships (the kind that last a lifetime) generally have a more gradual kindling. Think boy-next-door, or a close friend, or (if you are going to go with the internet age), someone you can chat with casually and build up a level of trust, friendship, and feelings for before going to a dating and relationship stage. And if you are inclined to keep pursuing the guys at the local parish, just keep going each weekend, and make yourself known to people by sitting near them, shaking their hand, saying hi, and offering them peace. Over time, they’ll notice and one day strike up a conversation. I mean, I would definitely notice if a beautiful woman started going to my church every week and started getting to know me; but I wouldn’t ask her out on a date on day one or even on month one. It would terrify me!

    Good luck though. I’m sure God has a plan for your life, and with patience your heart will come to know and understand that plan. I really do enjoy reading your blog. 🙂

    Cheers,

    Rob

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    1. Aw, Rob you’re so kind to say that. thank you. You’re really right on about that. i need to keep my head out of the clouds and keep my eyes open to real life opportunities to meet. thanks for the encouragement! Hugs and love xox

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      1. Don’t read too much into my advice! I am still ridiculously single myself, so there’s a fair chance I know nothing when it comes to romantic love. Just offering words that conform to my own fantasies of what love should look like.

        Now if I could only meet that special girl-next-door, or a woman who wants to actually talk and slowly build a friendship first and foremost… 😉

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  50. Interesting post. You are compassionate, smart, motivated and beautiful….those guys are missing out. I definitely think all the electronic devices and ear buds, have been factors in the lack of civil communication. It’s too easy to tune out of wherever you are by focusing on your phone or listening to music. I think God is just putting the finishing touches on your guy. Though you may have to trip him to get his attention.

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    1. Thank you so much Bryce! You’re so kind to say that. i am very touched. That’s so true – He’s preparing his heart! Hugs and love xox

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