PORN: A Virgin’s Perspective

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Warning: Tonight, I’m going to be writing about the four-letter “P-Word” that makes everyone squirm.

Porn.

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I read a really scary statistic today. It said that for just one porn site, 81 million people visit it per day. Per DAY! 81 million people! And that’s for just one of the thousands of websites out there. That’s close to 30 billion visits per year.

Does that shock anyone else?

I heard it and nearly fell out of my chair.

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I’m going to share something with you that may be surprising.

I’ve never actually seen porn.

Sure, I’ve had those spammy pop up ads aggressively attack my computer screen, but I’ve been so startled that I just click out and try not to burn my retinas.

But just because I don’t watch it, doesn’t mean I don’t have opinions about it.

And spoiler alert…I have a lot of them.

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But first, I want to start out by saying that, just because I don’t struggle with porn addiction doesn’t make me a saint. You know my history – during my anorexia I lied, manipulated, lashed out and deceived like a veritable deviant. So just because my browser history is clean doesn’t mean my past record is. So please don’t read this from a “holier than thou” standpoint. I am in no way judging what is a very real struggle for a lot of people.

We’re in a sad sad state of reality these days. Yes, that statistic was jarring, but let’s be honest…was anyone really *that* surprised?

Because frankly, I wasn’t.

Being a twenty-something single in the dating scene, it’s pretty much a well-known fact that every guy watches porn. Not just sometimes. On a regular basis.

That, is the heart-sinking state of our generation.

And the worst part? Is that it’s not even considered sad or even taboo. Porn is not something that people are even blinking an eye at anymore…it’s considered normal. Heck, what’s abnormal, or even something to be ashamed of, is if you’re a single guy and NOT looking at porn.

Now, I want to pause and say that I know that porn addiction is definitely something that women struggle with too. And I don’t want to diminish that either.

But this is simply from the perspective of a single young woman, navigating the dating pool of young men, most of whom regularly consume pornographic material.

I am a virgin. You know this. I’m not ashamed of it. In truth, I celebrate the fact that I will be able to give that gift to my husband one day.

And even though I feel incredibly mocked and laughed at and judged by society for that decision, I completely respect other people’s decisions when it comes to their love life. To each his own. No judgement here.

But obviously, there is a lot about sex that I don’t know. Not only from lack of experience, (duh!) but also – I am not well versed in “porn.” And honestly, thank God for that.

But I think that’s how a lot of kids get into porn. A curiosity of the “how to,” logistical aspect of sex leads them into the dark world of porn, where they’re exposed to aggressive sexual behavior and twisted fetishes and down the rabbit hole it goes. Couple that with an obsession with the behavior one typically partakes in while watching porn, it’s no wonder that so many people struggle with a true addiction to it.

I’m going to be honest: knowing that my future husband will have most likely watched porn, it terrifies me. Not from a judgement standpoint. Or from a fearing-for-the-state-of-his-soul standpoint. But honestly…from the state of an insecure girl, fearing that I will never be “enough” for him.

Sex is a beautiful thing. I mean, the very first commandment God gave Adam and Eve was to “Be fruitful and multiply.” And he wasn’t talking about tending the Garden of Eden, either.

It is the most intimate expression of love. And the thing about porn, is that it has taken that good and beautiful thing, and stripped it of its dignity and purpose (love and procreation), and deduces it to a brash tool to be used for selfish gain.

It literally objectifies women, and perverts a sacred union between man and woman, in order to satiate the lustful appetite the porn industry, and society, are pandering to at a younger and younger age.

This isn’t some book report on the harmful effects of porn. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to realize that, Yeah, if guys watch super sexually aggressive porn, they’re more likely to act out aggressively. Or that, Hey, if guys spend hours and hours in front of porn, that they’re not going to perform as well in person. Or that, Yeah – the porn industry is one of the leading perpetrators of human trafficking. Those are sadly common sense. And I’m not here to bore you with stats and figures.

This is about me damnit.

Just kidding.

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But how is a girl supposed to compete with that?

How is a virgin supposed to compete with the fake boobed, fake lipped, butt implanted, false eyelashed, oiled up, plastically reconstructed, porn stars?

Not that I want to, but it just…I’m going to feel like a cloistered nun taking off her chastity belt and screwing in a long-sleeved, turtle neck night gown. Not exactly the look you’re going for on your wedding night.

Porn is killing love.

But more than that, it is killing our dignity as children of God.

Because that’s the thing: we were created to love and be loved. God is love. And has placed in us the incredible desire to be seen fully, and loved fully. We were made to be cherished, as a refection of His beauty, and expression of His craftsmanship. And as brothers and sisters in Christ, we are to respect one another and protect and defend the dignity we all possess as children of God. That is what love is: wanting the best for someone else. Porn does the exact opposite of all those things: exploiting one another for our own pleasure.

In my research for this post, I found out about an incredible resource for those struggling with porn addiction. It’s called Covenant Eyes. It was recommended by Fr. Mike Schmitz. Basically it’s an accountability software that, once or twice a week, emails your browser history to a trusted friend in your life: your accountability partner.

One thing I learned in my recovery from another type of addiction: anorexia, is that addiction thrives in secrecy. But it cannot exist in the light. So I pray that if you or a loved one is struggling with porn addiction, that you a) know that God loves you no matter what, and wants to help you break this cycle of addiction. And b) you can shine a big ol’ spotlight on this darkness, and root it out once and for all.

Because we were created by love, for love.

Let’s not let porn kill love.

This post was made possible by my wonderful sponsor, Audible. Listening to audiobooks is literally my new favorite thing. I can grow my brain while I cook, run errands, take a walk, am on my commute. And just for you, they’re offering a Free 30-Day Trial Membership. And with this free membership, you’re going to get 2 free audiobooks! Literally. Free. It is the best deal ever. And if for some reason, you decide it’s not for you, you can cancel within those 30 days and it’s zero money out of your pocket, plus, you get to keep the 2 audiobooks. Soooo…it’s pretty much a no brainer. This is a free and easy way to support this blog! So thank you!! 

And if you’re looking for more resources on this topic, why not listen to the Audible audiobook, The Porn Myth by Matt Fradd. It’s an incredible resource, written by a faithful man, presenting a non-religious argument debunking the myths we believe about porn. I listened to a bunch of his podcasts in prep for this post and they are so powerful! (And all the proceeds of his book go to the charity, Children of the Immaculate Heart, which helps support survivors of human trafficking).

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514 thoughts on “PORN: A Virgin’s Perspective”

  3. Eighty-one millions viewers a day, I had no idea. It’s not my deal, but I do think it’s more difficult to deal with than cocaine or alcohol addiction.

    —Jack

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  5. Your blogs are always a treasure to read. Your perspectives are always well thought through. And your faith is always evident. Thanks Your growth continues even when writing about what some may consider a squeamish topic. Is good you are around. Keep at it. John

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  7. First, love this post. You are spot on about what porn does to people and, well, almost everything else.

    Second, Christ is omnipotent. Never forget that. He CAN bring you a man who hasn’t been corrupted by porn. He can do anything and will honor your purity. He can even bring you another virgin who gives you his gift on your wedding night.

    Finally, that same omnipotent God can take away all unhealthy addictions, including healing the damage done to the brain, the unreasonable expectations, etc.

    Remember that the man God gives you will be somebody who loves you and LIKES you unconditionally. Take it from me, when you meet that person, nothing can touch how fulfilling ALL aspects of that marriage are.

    I recommend reading the book Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs, even before God gives you your husband. It has lots of great insights.

    Jon

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    1. Thank you so much Jon. That’s such important advice to remember. I’ll definitely pick up that book! Hugs and love xox

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      1. I second the book recommendation. Great book. And once again, great post. We must keeping shining a light on all sin. (((Hugs))) thanks for posting.

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  8. I’ve have been the woman that hasn’t been enough because of my significant other’s porn addiction. And like you, even though I am no longer a virgin, I am still scared that I will not be enough for the man I marry. Thank you for this post. I am a Porn Kills Love fighter and this is exactly what needs to be said.

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  10. When you find the right guy, you shouldn’t be terrified. Because like everything else the person’s personal character and intelligence level will make the difference. While the guy will most likely have watched porn, the right type of person will understand it’s a fantasy. Not to be carried over into RL.

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  11. Absolutely incredible how you approach this subject. If only we all could discuss controversial topics with this level of maturity the world would be a better place.

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  12. Love this!! ❤️
    When you talked about virginity, I just got a tad bit excited! I also waited until I got married to give my body to my man. It was the best choice of my life!

    It’s really scary being in a porn infested world. It’s even scarier the divorce rates and abuse that goes on. It’s enough to make a girl afraid of men and terrified of marriage! My man was affected by the society, but it wasn’t anything he didn’t overcome with the help of Jesus!

    However, as a girl whose been there and done that, I’m so glad I waited! He’s so glad he waited! We are so glad we serve a forgiving Jesus! Kudos for you for not giving in! I just want to say that people who wait, God has a very personal blessing to give you!

    Here is my incredible story about finding pure love in a really dark, scary world. And God’s blessing he gave us!

    https://mrswernerwrites.com/2017/05/03/the-letter/

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    1. Thank you so much Victoria, I so appreciate you sharing your story. I’m so glad you can relate! Amen – Jesus is our overcomer! Hugs and love xox

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  13. I am not saying you are right or wrong but how can you say “pretty much a well-known fact that every guy watches porn. Not just sometimes. On a regular basis.”. You said you never seen porn but then why are you judging others?

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    1. I think you may have missed the two + times in my post where I specifically say I am not judging anyone else’s behaviors. But thank you for taking the time to read. Hugs and love xox

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      1. My point was that when you said that you have never seen porn, you should atleast have considered that the may be some guy out there who had never seen porn. You made a statement that all guys seen porn and I think it’s judgemental.

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      2. oh gotcha. I’m sorry that offended you. Blanket statements are unfair, and I shouldn’t have made a generalization like that.

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  15. Porn is like any other indulgence: there to satisfy a want, and nothing more. It’s been around since civilization began and people painted pornographic images onto pottery for kicks. The only thing that’s different from ancient Greece and Rome is the set of tools by which it is generated and viewed. And like any other indulgence, it’s best taken in moderation. I know of many couples who use it to spice up their sex lives. Others watch it for laughs. And yes, there are those who can’t seem to get enough. That’s human nature.

    There’s really nothing to be scared of. It’s an industry like any other, and yes there’s an element of exploitation to it just as in all other industries. Once you realize it for what it is, it doesn’t seem as frightening anymore, and that’s when one can look at it from an objective point of view and come up with effective ways to regulate it so it’s safer for all involved. I see too many people advocate for eliminating it, but as with prohibition on drugs an alcohol, it’s a policy doomed to fail because it doesn’t take into account the myriad reasons people go into it, because as long as people know they can make money doing something society deems taboo, they’re going to do it. We can either apply proper safeguards to minimize harm and hope for the best, or drive it further underground where there are even fewer controls than there are now, and more people get hurt as a result.

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    1. Hi Michael, thank you so much for sharing this perspective. It is an industry, that is for sure. a 13 billion dollar industry. Definitely a lot to think about. Hugs and love xox

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      1. You’re quite welcome. There was a conversation at The Real News Network about the topic of decriminalizing sex work versus the so-called Nordic method of criminalizing buyers, and my position was that prohibition has never worked and any policy attempting to address the issue must involve sex workers themselves, who are the ones most affected by any laws passed. Those who favor strict prohibition, whether by penalizing sex workers, buyers, or both, all make the assumption that women are only ever victims, that the only reason any go into the industry is to escape poverty or because they were coerced or physically forced into it by traffickers. But the truth is often much more complex and nuanced. For instance, a Danish study interviewed sex workers in that country and found that the majority entered into it out of sexual curiosity, and half said they considered their work part of their sexuality. In India, where there is a great deal of human trafficking, there is also a significant number of women who, when interviewed, said they did it to escape arranged marriages and that their work in the sex trade afforded them a certain level of autonomy over their own lives.

        So, any policy that seeks to address sex work must take all these factors into account, and get input directly from sex workers. An example is in the New Zealand approach, which decriminalized sex work. So far, the result seems to be a drop-off in street prostitution and violence against women experienced a similar decrease. By making blanket assumptions and leaving women out of the equation, not only will prohibition policy do more harm than good by forcing women to continue operating in an environment where the risk of violence, disease, and death is increased, it will also continue to reduce women to perpetual victim status, permanent children incapable of making decisions regarding their own lives. In that way, it’s every bit as paternalistic and sexist as those who believe a woman’s place is only in the home popping out babies and doing household chores.

        For my efforts to offer up a more nuanced understanding of a complex issue, I was branded a rapist and a John. And these false accusations came from people who nominally calls themselves liberals. The tendency to enclose one’s self in a bubble and attack anyone and everyone who dares challenge preconceptions is incredibly strong. I think if we approach the subject of sex work, which ranges from porn to prostitution, from an informed, inclusive process, then we can begin to find viable policies that reduce harm for all involved. Maybe, by treating this adult topic for what it is, and by behaving like adults ourselves regarding sex, we as a society can reach that point where we can have that much-needed conversation.

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  16. Oh, wow… this hits hard. My youth pastor spoke on porn one night- the average age for visiting porn websites is- wait for it… 8 years old. Oh, my goodness. As a teen girl with an eight-year-old brother, this breaks my heart. Thank you for not sugar-coating it. It’s time for a wake-up call, world… Love your blog!!! 💜💜💜

    ~Annie Cate Anderson

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    1. Thank you so much Annie, for this response. Oh my gosh that is such a sad and scary statistic. Eight years old — wow. thanks for your kind words! Hugs and love xox

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    2. Your youth pastor gave you the wrong information. According to this article:

      https://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-randel/parenting-in-the-digital-age-of-pornography_b_9301802.html

      The average age at which kids discover porn is eleven, not eight. Mind you, three years’ difference doesn’t seem like much, but given how much closer eleven is to puberty than eight, it’s an important distinction. An eight-year-old is not likely to even know to go looking for it, whereas an eleven- or twelve-year-old might hear something and look to see what the hype is about.

      But yes, even for so-called ‘tweens, that is entirely too young to view pornographic material. But at that age, it’s important that parents, teachers, and other adults provide the right information about sex and its consequences so that adolescents can make informed decisions and exercise better judgment. I wouldn’t let my kids even have their own phones or Internet access until around age twelve or thirteen, and I certainly wouldn’t let them watch PG-rated and above without being present.

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      1. My apologies- still, eleven… how horrible. This world is so broken. I believe that at any age, porn is toxic to both the mind and the heart. Thank you for sharing your opinion- I really appreciated hearing it from another perspective. God bless!

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  17. I just finished reading a book by Mo Isom called, “Sex, Jesus, and the Conversations the Church Forgot.” It’s a great follow up to this post. It really digs deep into God’s plan for sex, how we’ve screwed it up, and how we can realign to his purpose for sex. And I think it’s a book everyone can take something from: virgin and promiscuous woman alike. Thanks for the candid post, btw. 🙂

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    1. I just listened to her on Jamie Ivy’s podcast!! Yes! such a great writer and speaker. thanks for the kind words, Celestial! Hugs and love xox

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  18. I’ve read your blog a long time but never commented. On every post you say something thought provoking, which is rare. I want you to know I appreciate that. I can also appreciate where you come from on your past bout with eating disorder, as that’s a history we share (less common for men, but we are out there).

    I can tell you honestly that you have nothing to worry about. When such a quality individual finally finds that right person, I’ve no doubt who you find will know the difference between the act of self gratification and making love to a woman. Even if they’ve previously watched porn voraciously, there’s simply no comparison between that and being with the woman you love.

    It will be fine. I promise. 🙂

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    1. Hi friend, thank you so much a) for your readership, and b) for this awesome comment. I am seriously so touched. And thank you for the wonderful encouragement. means a lot. Hugs and love xox

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      1. No, thank YOU. You followed and liked my Ironman blog (which I wouldn’t blame you for not remembering), which led me to your blog. Your posts unknowingly helped keep me centered and focused on that journey, which I can’t possibly repay.

        Stay true to yourself, and keep posting.

        Love and prayers, George

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  19. Thank you for addressing this topic! It’s an epidemic and is destroying relationships and marriages. It’s very hurtful and brings out insecurities. I applaud you for your commitment to wait for your committed relationship of marriage! I don’t think I would have regretted being a virgin for marriage. I do regret not being. But God’s grace covers me.

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  20. Oh my gosh so much to here. First I want to commend you for being so open and honest. I for one total respect the fact that are a virgin and saving yourself for marriage is an admirable thing is this day and. I struggled with porn addiction for many years and when I turned my life to God; i prayed and slowly recovered from porn addiction. Afterwards I gain automatic respect for women and saw them as human beings as opposed to sexual object. God completely changed my whole thinking around and I hope this will lead me to healthier outlook on women and I can a happy healthly fufilling relationship with a woman that is real and not a pixel on a computer screen. Thank you writing this. I wrote a blog about porn addiction a few days back. I will send you the link. I truely believe that God is working my life and I across this post for a reason. Stay strong in Christ

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    1. Thank you so much for this incredible response. than you so much for sharing your story. I’m so glad that God brought you out of that addiction! God is so good. I look forward to reading your words. Hugs and love xox

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  21. I appreciate your forthrightness on this issue that is too often ignored. The sexual revolution is just the gift that keeps on giving, isn’t it? The way this stuff is so easily available to almost every preteen gives me one more reason to be thankful that my child-raising days are past. The minefield out there just keeps getting more dangerous.

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  22. edit Oh my gosh so much to say here. First I want to commend you for being so open and honest. I for one total respect the fact that are a virgin and saving yourself for marriage; it is an admirable thing in this day and age. I struggled with porn addiction for many years and when I turned my life to God; i prayed and slowly recovered from porn addiction. Afterwards I gained more respect for women and saw them as human beings as opposed to sexual objects. God completely changed my whole thinking around and I hope this will lead me to a healthier outlook on women and I can have a happy healthly fufilling relationship with a woman that is real and not a pixel on a computer screen. Thank you for writing this. I wrote a blog about porn addiction a few days back. I will send you the link. I truely believe that God is working my life and I across this post for a reason. Stay strong in Christ

    Porngraphy is destructive

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  23. I read this with interest. And I found. This is not from only from an uneducated Virgins perspective, this is from an uneducated Christians perspective. 90% of porn stars are women and men who WANT to be there, who haven’t been forced into the industry, and who haven’t had any fake plastic boobs or lip enhancements. They get paid a tonne of money and they enjoy what they do. There is a porn for every person. Female friendly is designed to be romantic, soft, couples, married etc. Yes there is some hard stuff too, but there’s soft stuff. There are female directors and writers. And a whopping 48% of the people who watch porn are women – yes crazy but some women actually like sex!
    While you may be of the perspective that porn is wrong and that God made us and sex for a purpose, that does not mean that you will be unwanted or unloved because of porn. You are flesh and blood. You are a beating heart and a woman in his bed, you will one day be a wife. To any man, any sane man, that is 10,000 better than a woman on a screen! Trust me. There is nothing dirty or wrong about sex. It feels good, and with the right person, and the right consent it feels perfect. Porn fills a gap for many people when they’re lonely, but when they’ve got someone, nothing competes with the real thing. 🙂

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    1. Hi Charlotte, thank you for sharing your thoughts and joining the conversation. You and I are absolutely in the same boat: there is nothing dirty or wrong about sex. It is a beautiful thing – and one that, as you said – we’re supposed to like it! And i know that when I am married I will too! Thanks again for joining the convo. Hugs and love xox

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    2. @Charlotte I agree with some of what you said. There are an increasing number of women who look at porn and those in porn do choose to be there. However, there are some things I disagree with. While people do choose to go into porn, there are certain things they are forced to do. As for porn filling a gap, it doesn’t. It actually causes problems in a relationship. It distorts both men and women views on sex. Sex is more than just a physical act. It’s a joining of two spirits. Why else do so many men and women get heartbroken? Emotions get involved and they get involved when two spirits engage in sex. We maybe in the flesh, but we were created in the image of God. So like God we are also spirits. These bodies we are in, think of them like outer shells.

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    3. @Charlotte I think other comments covered most of the response brewing in my head quite well, but what I have to add is this: first of all, (speaking of uneducated) you cannot look someone addicted to pornography’s counterfeit one-sided intimacy in the eye and convince them that nothing competes with the real thing; to them pornography IS the real thing; it is what they have learned, it is 100% risk-free to them, 100% free-on-demand, it costs them absolutely no vulnerability and does not require them to let anyone see genuinely into their spirit. Now you’re right, the REAL thing leaves no room for competition, but the real thing also requires work, and often pain, and ALWAYS vulnerability, and when the real thing costs too much a person will disassociate and go back to the screen every time because fake intimacy is better–believe me, I’ve been there, I’ve done that, it’s not a pretty sight. Porn isn’t a cutesy filler until you get the real thing, it’s a lie and a cheat.

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  25. Ok so, 1- loved this post! You’re absolutely right! 2- it for sure gives you an unrealistic look at sex. In my mind I don’t really associate porn with sex. Does that even make sense? Lol like porn is what people do so other people can watch it, horrible acting, and acts that you wouldn’t even attempt. Sex is what I do with my husband. And 3 – can we talk about how awesome Fr. Mike Schmitz is?!? Lol

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    1. Thank you so much for this awesome response, Rachael. That definitely makes sense! And haha YES! Fr. Mike Schmitz is literally a rockstar. I have listened to every single one of his podcasts. Every. Single. One! hahah Hugs and love xox

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      2. yeah – the podcasts are great — they’re literally the videos, but just audio form so you can listen on the go!

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  26. I am presently in a Christian college right now. I was working closely with one guy in particular on a big project and he was just quickly looking something up on his computer. I was sitting beside him, as he opened his e-mail tab to look for what we wanted and I noticed on the side bar along with Sent Mail, Important, etc., the word Covenant Eyes. I had a lot of reasons to trust and respect this guy before, but seeing that, just grew that so much more! The fact that he cares enough to remain pure and be held accountable is powerful.

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    1. wow that is so amazing! we need more guys like that! I hope you two stay in contact post project! haha 😉 😉 Hugs and love xox

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  28. I agree girl!!! I am a virgin, but even doing things with someone else that gets close to sex will stick with you emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically (definite bonds are made when anything like that is shared with someone, and the pain of breaking up [when a couple is not married] is enough to rip your heart out). BUT, I know Jesus wants to help us let go of the pain and suffering our past mistakes have created, and He wants to redeem those painful experiences and make us pure once again if we let Him. God is Love; may He heal the pain caused by running away from Him (I hope that somehow makes sense). Thank you for your Spirit-led posts ❤

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    1. thank you so much for sharing your story. Amen!!! He wants to help us with that so badly! thanks for your encouraging words! Hugs and love xox

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  29. Thank you for taking on a tough subject. Porn can make physical gratification the be all and end all of a… a,what? relationship? It turns sex, even for a couple, into little more than masturbation. Now there’s an emerging sex robot industry which I suppose is the logical progression.

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    1. that’s so true. Thanks for your support and for sharing your thoughts on this topic. big hugs to you xo

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  30. I basically used to be addicted to porn in my 20s–I didn’t actually watch a ton of it, but I “played tapes” in my head every day. It was bad. Community and the REAL love of my husband finally broke me out of it. Now I volunteer with an organization called She’s Somebody’s Daughter , and they spread awareness about porn, the sex industry, and trafficking. And they reach out to women trapped in the sex industry and their familes. There is hope!!

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    1. hi friend, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so glad you’ve found that freedom! sounds like an awesome organization. I’ll definitely have to check it out. thanks for passing it along. amen! there is hope!! Hugs and love xox

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  31. Interesting post. Before I begin my commentary, I want to say that sex is supposed to be enjoyed only by a married couple (man & woman). Anything else mocks God and His Word. Proverbs 5:19: “Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.” So sex is apart of the love and procreation process given by God to us, but to only be enjoyed by a married couple.

    Unfortunately porn addiction is rampant in the world, but not just with men. An increasing number of women are addicted to porn too, including some virgin women. Me personally, I guess I’m a walking contradiction. I’m a virgin which is a blessing, but I’ve struggled with porn addiction since age 13 nor do I act like what society says a virgin is supposed to be. I’ll spare you all the details lol. Like any addict, at first I was in denial. Years later when I finally accepted my problem, I quit or shall I say tried to quit. I had too many relapses, I lost count. Even after God told me whom I’m meant to marry, I still struggle with it.

    The devil has used porn to distort my view of women. I assume it has the same effects on other men who watched it. On the other hand, it has distorted a woman’s view on men. Not to mention it has aided in women being more promiscuous and somehow having women thinking this lifestyle makes them “free” when it holds them and us men in spiritual bondage.

    As you you Carolyn, whatever concerns you have about your future husband, seek Jesus about it. Whomever you are meant to be with, will love you for who you are. As for intimacy, he’ll be understanding so no need to worry. When the Almighty God brings couples together, He always matches people who are perfect for each other. It’s always up to us to continually seek Christ for help in all areas of our lives.

    As for me, prayers are needed, but despite my flaws, I will do what the Lord called me to do. I am open, perhaps too open lol, about my struggles. May God bless all who read this.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I will definitely keep you in my prayers. It sounds like you are doing awesome, seeking out the Lord and trying to stay the path. Recovery from addiction is a challenging road, but I believe in you 🙂 thanks you for your encouraging words. big hugs to you x

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  32. Sex is supposed to be an expression of intimacy (Adam “knew” his wife Eve = Adam and Eve were intimate with each other). A man who is concerned about how good sex with his wife will be can’t focus on knowing her. I don’t know if she (or I) will be any good at it, but we will cross that bridge when we get to it, and we’ll cross it together.

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  34. This post speaks volumes and could probably go into much more depth, but I recognize that is not your intent. I think the awareness you bring to this is relevant and there will be detractors – shoot at one time I would have been – but at least the conversation might have the aspect of changing the heart of a person or more. I know reading this, it has given me pause to consider the times in my life I have chosen to live undignified and it makes me ponder if there is more that I can do.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this. Yes! I was hoping just to start a conversation. I think we all can do more at different areas in life at different times. I definitely know i can! thanks for stopping by! xox

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  35. Wait until you have kids. ARG! You find yourself at your wit’s end trying to keep evil at bay and help them stay pure. Prayer is our only hope against sin~ and diligence.

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  36. I agree, and as a single woman who wants to find Mr. Right, I have the same concerns. I try to tell myself that men are more visual than women (as per what turns them on), and that if a man watches a little porn, it’s just a “guy thing.” Ideally, such a man can still love his wife and see the porn as “separate”–physical only, whereas lovemaking is about true togetherness. At any rate, this is what I hope, and what I tell myself.

    I HAVE seen porn (although I wish I hadn’t–college dorm-living experience, but I digress), and it’s not “real.” Not remotely. It’s simply sex without the human connection aspect. I fail to see the appeal, but I guess it’s a guy thing.

    As for fetishes, I’ve had one since I was three years old (or younger). I felt ashamed for most of my life, but then someone helped me come to terms with its normalcy. But you shouldn’t worry about such things!! I think you’re born with fetish(es), or you aren’t. I’m not sure what the answers are!! A lot of it seems to go to gender differences, but I just don’t know. Here’s hoping you and I both find great guys! 🙂

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    1. Thanks for sharing your story Meg. Yeah it’s definitely lacking the human connection. I know we both will find them! Hugs and love xox

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  37. I appreciate your comments. I agree that porn is a problem. It is often giving young men an distorted view of sexuality. Thank you for your mix of strength and gentleness. I hear your raising the concern but not judging the people caught in the middle of it. Bless you. Roland Legge

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  39. Hey Caralyn, this is a great perspective, my recent post, which you must have taken a gander at hinted at the selfishness of fantasy and distorted perception. Any distraction from authentic eye to eye, heart to heart interaction gives us an opportunity to get it wrong and ruin the chance for something real.

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  40. This is a sensitive topic, but yes people shall be courageous and open minded enough to talk about this modern issue in our society ..

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  41. The pornography industry is well funded and affects everyone. I worked with sex offenders and every sex crime started with pornography, the thought life and the acting out of what they had seen. It fuels sex traffic and making one an object to be used. The true cost to society is more than the billions made by this industry. Untimely deaths also are a product. People get ensnared in it and it reaps a bad harvest.

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  42. Well okay so I forgot to clear my Browser Wow! that many porn sites! I’m way behind but like anything that people let control them or direct their directions it is detrimental. Whatever the vise! it is just a side effect of a another condition, if that condition is not rectified the side effects will just change names bases on what’s available or affordable by the individual.
    Porn is for fantasizing it has no place in reality, when I decided to start bodybuilding I give up alcohol, I give up cigarettes but even a more herculean task I give up Ice Cream Damn! I still have some issues with that one.
    I will say don’t get side tracked with side effects there is a condition that needs attention but people can cut back on some of those porn sites, it can’t be harder than Ice Cream.

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    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! Yeah, it definitely is a fantasy that suck a lot of people in. Ice cream…haha I feel ya there. Hugs and love xox

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  43. Great post girly! Thank you for shining a light on a very under discussed topic, especially in Christianity. Sometimes we as Christians are afraid to talk about the real things that real people deal with on a regular bases. And I’m afraid that we’re losing an entire generation because of our silence. I was one who used to be addicted to sex and porn before the Lord set me free. Sex gave me a false security. I thought it would heal my brokenness but it only added to it. I found out that only Jesus can heal! Thank you again for sharing your thoughts 😊

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    1. Thanks Tiarra!! I appreciate you sharing your story. Amen – so glad that He set you free! God is so good!!! Hugs and love xox

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  44. Sexual liberation has led to so much bondage. Ironic. Sad. But most of all infuriating. God’s boundaries for sex are not restrictive, they are protective. Nice post!

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  47. Porn is an industry whose business model is centered around one of the primal urges, that is sex. There is curiosity to see a female / male body and let ones imagination fly. In many countries, it is said if a porn is watched behind closed doors and by consenting adults, what is wrong. That is liberal view. Practically, in many countries where social values are different, easy and free access to porn on mobile smart phones has created a lot of problem. Watching a porn behind closed door or in your phone is not a one off event. The pictures, the storyline stays in an individuals mind. In many cases people want to emulate what they see. We have seen terrible rape cases of children where objects were inserted in private parts. One may argue this has no direct link with watching porn. But you watch once, the picture keeps coming back again and again at different states of mind, and once in a while someone decides to experiment with an unwilling and inexperienced partner. There lies the problem.

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  48. Thanks so much for this informative and powerful post, Carolyn. I really liked it becuase this is something I too deal with, so it’s great to once again discuss a topic that I am privately still ashamed of doing.

    I like when you said, “And the thing about porn, is that it has taken that good and beautiful thing, and stripped it of its dignity and purpose (love and procreation), and deduces it to a brash tool to be used for selfish gain.” And I wholeheartedly agree with you.

    One of the best quotes that I like in this post was when you said,

    “Porn is killing love.

    But more than that, it is killing our dignity as children of God.
    Because that’s the thing: we were created to love and be loved. God is love. And has placed in us the incredible desire to be seen fully, and loved fully. We were made to be cherished, as a refection of His beauty, and expression of His craftsmanship. And as brothers and sisters in Christ, we are to respect one another and protect and defend the dignity we all possess as children of God. That is what love is: wanting the best for someone else. Porn does the exact opposite of all those things: exploiting one another for our own pleasure.”

    I also like when you said, “… addiction thrives in secrecy. ” because that addiction we as people have could also come from a place of isolation. Isolation and Addiction can go hand-in-hand.

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    1. Thanks friend. That’s so so true – isolation and addiction really do go hand in hand. Hugs and love xox

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  49. Oh my gosh. I have so much to say…

    First, I had no idea that this was so widespread. Maybe I’m just naive because I’ve never watched porn (though I’m no saint either…I have my own baggage), but I looked things up and saw that 81-85% of young men (plus nearly 50% of women) watch porn at least once a month. Yikes!

    There’s more I can say, but I don’t really feel comfortable posting everything else I can say in a public forum. Everything else I do have to say will be sent via email in a moment.

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    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this Brendan. Yeah it’s soooo widespread. Hugs and love xox

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  50. Yes. All of this. Not only do many of the people around me laugh at those who are out of touch enough to say that pornography is bad, but they say things like we need to teach our children that pornography and prostitution are acceptable career choices because everyone should feel empowered in their sexuality. This can’t end well.

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    1. Thanks so much for this powerful response. Yeah it’s seen as such “antiquated” thinking to think of porn as harmful. you’re so right. So so right. Hugs and love xox

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