It’s my Birthday

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Well, today is my birthday.

Yep, I’m clocking in another year around the sun.

I feel like once you’re in your late twenties, and you’re in that stage of life where you’re supposed to be gearing up to having your life all figured out — engaged, married, successful career, house, kids, etc. — every birthday is just a brutal reminder that, well…I’m not there yet.

And the devil on my shoulder keeps reminding me that with each passing year, I become less and less desirable marriage material, and more and more likely to become a spinster cat lady.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my birthday fell on top of the journey my mom and I took along the Camino de Santiago in Spain. Eighty miles is a long way to walk, and as you read in last week’s reflection, it’s about the journey, not the destination.

But one of the things that I always struggle with, especially on my birthday, is assessing where I am on my journey, and feeling inadequate. And if I’m being suuuuper transparent: like a failure. It’s not a “pretty” truth, but it is what I wrestle with. A remnant of my disordered thoughts during my anorexia.

Growing up, I thought my life would be in a much different place than where it is now. Heck, in fourth grade I would have told you that I’d be on kid #7 of 12 by now!

But if I’m honest, it’s hard not to feel like I’ve either made a horribly wrong turn, thus missing the path God had laid out for my life; or that God simply has abandoned this lost cause of an existence.

And I know, bleak thoughts for a day that is supposed to be full of celebrating.

But it’s my reality, and I just feel really phony writing a chippy-chipperton post about how joyful I am that it’s my birthday.

But you know, I did a lot of praying about that this morning. And God placed something on my heart. So I’m going to share.

While my mom and I were walking the Camino, we woke up one morning to the news of Demi Lovato’s overdose. And I want to just pause to say that she and her loved ones are in my prayers during this difficult time. Addiction is such an insipid, lurking monster, and I’m so glad that she is getting the help she needs. And her courage is truly inspiring.

But it just reminded me that I have a lot to be grateful for.

Anorexia is a very specific type of addiction. And though food is not an “illegal substance” like narcotics, or opioids, the disordered mentality behind addictive actions is very much the same.

And the news of Demi’s relapse not only shattered my heart for her, but also reminded me that recovery is a battle you can’t fall asleep on. Diligence and intentionality is needed each and every day – even in the strongest of recoveries.

But the fact is, I’m here, and I’ve overcome a lot. God has blessed my life with complete healing, and with an incredibly supportive group of family and friends.

I’m healthy. I’m alive. And I’m in a place in my life where I truly am thriving.

Maybe it doesn’t look like my fourth-grade mind had planned, but then you know – God had other plans. Plans and challenges and detours that have shaped me into the young woman I am today. And I embrace that. And am grateful for it.

I have been so blessed in my recovery. I owe absolutely everything to God’s grace, and the fact that I’ve made it another 365 is cause for praise and gratitude to the Author of Life.

Because we’re not guaranteed tomorrow. That’s something that, sadly, as we get older, becomes more and more apparent, as we become aware of the tragedies all around us, that seem to pop up with more and more frequency.

I think today I should be taking an inventory of all the things in my life I do have – that I have been blessed with, rather than negatively comparing where I am with where people on my Facebook timeline are in their lives, or with the unrealistic standard of perfection I had set for myself, even as an Old Navy Tech Vest-wearing, Gel Pen-toting, precocious ten year old.

Birthdays are a time for thanksgiving. Gratitude for life. For relationships. For health. For blessings. For lessons learned the hard way. And yes, for the patience God is fortifying in me as I await the unfolding of the rest of my story.

It will come. I know it will. I trust it will.

God is working, and as with all good things, some take longer than others. But one thing’s for sure: it will be worth the wait.

See ya tomorrow morning on the Podcast!

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A big thank you to my foundational sponsor, BetterHelp Online Therapy. I cannot begin to express how beneficial therapy was for my recovery from anorexia.  Speak with an online therapist. Or check out content about eating disorders from BetterHelp.

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

553 thoughts on “It’s my Birthday”

  3. Happy birthday sweetie! 😊 Don’t be too hard on yourself and keep your faith. I always say this to my Mum (she’s just recently become a Christian. I’m not really religious myself) Like they always say, the Lord works in mysterious ways 😊 x

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  6. The beauty of life can be found in it’s story! We change as we experience new things. One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is the most simplistic notion often spoken as advice. Thats, “Everything has it’s own season.” It is so very true. Hahaa… I smile as I think to myself about the journey i’m on. At 35 my perspectives have changed along with what brings me joy… enjoy everyday … spreading hope and grace…and you will look back and know things are as they should be…stepping stones to who you will evolve to be. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 🍨🎂

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  7. Bah. Satan doesn’t just discourage, he fibs through his teeth. Thirtysomethings are BETTER marriage material in some ways – we know what we want, we can navigate the tasks of life better, our theology is developed, we’ve learned to argue and fight fair, and our emotions have calmed down a bit. All things that some married couples out there would kill for.

    Of course, I know this may be small comfort for us all as 35 approaches, but I pray (hardly needed) that God will unfold a plan that absolutely thrills you.

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  8. Happy Birthday to you beautiful lady. May God continue to pour his blessings over your life. You are an amazing person and when the time comes, all the things you long for in your heart will happen on God’s time. You will be a beautiful wife and mother so in the meantime enjoy your journey getting there. ❤️❤️❤️

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  11. Happy Birthday! You’re not powerful enough to mess up God’s path for you. 🙂 I always take comfort in the story of Jonah. He was unwilling, resentful, and bitter. And that was before, during, AND after! If God still used him to save a city, I guess he can use me, too! Also, I didn’t marry until I was 33, and I am SO grateful God gave me the wisdom to wait for the man I married eight years ago. I was engaged twice before and ended up breaking both of those engagements off because it just didn’t feel quite right – I was trying to do “the thing you’re supposed to do,” and, thankfully, God didn’t let me. I’m so happy now at 41. I actually wrote this song while I was still single for two of my friends who struggled with the desire to be married above all else. I have seen one of them marry into a very unhappy situation, and it hurts me to see what she goes through now. God has a plan for her and that situation as well; I’m just saying marriage is not always the ticket to happiness people think. Don’t wish away your “now!!” (I don’t really do music anymore, but I hope this song touches you!) https://soundcloud.com/connie-white-1194295/girl-in-color

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  14. HAPPYYYYYY BIRTHDAYYYY BEAUTIFUL HUMAN ❤️❤️ Getting old now 😂 I hope you have lots of cake 😍🎂 I was absolutely devastated hearing about Demi my heart aches for her, here in the UK we lost a very talented human of a different kind who was a huge part of nearly everyone of our generation 😩

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  15. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

    Just on a matter of personal preference, I think fourth-grade you was really ambitious in the kid-having department!! Geez Louise.

    But don’t worry!! You are on track!! God is definitely guiding your life!! I’m sure of it!! This will be a great year for you!! 🙂

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  16. Birthday blessings to you! I’m so glad you’re here and doing what you do, reaching out to touch so many souls…
    Once when I was frustrated with my lack of progress, a wise friend told me “Maybe God desires your humility more than your perfection.”
    I think in our brokenness we make the love of God more accessible to others…we are more patient, gentle and understanding than we would be if all our perfect boxes were ticked off.
    So thanks for being a piece of the puzzle of life…on our own we feel silly but sometimes when all our wavy edges meet they make a beautiful picture.

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  19. Happy birthday! Oh and, in light of being discouraged along the way (though you spoke of hope too), here is a quote from the Lord of the Rings that is always good to keep in mind when YOUR path is different and may not look like the one others are one…

    “It’s a dangerous business, Frodo [Caralyn], going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.”
    ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

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  20. God and I had a real heart to heart this morning as I struggled with very similar thoughts. He took me to 1 Corinthians 4:1-4, and showed me that I am often too hard on myself. You may also find comfort in the passage. And Happy birthday to you!

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  21. Ohhh….I want to come and give you a great big hug! Wonderful people are born in August (my birthday was August 1st). I have so enjoyed your blog and it inspires me in my writing. I completely understand where you are coming from where you thought you would be in a very different place at this time of life. I am struggling with the same thing, but at the age of 43. I had my dreams dashed and keep on reminding myself that God has a better plan, even if it makes absolutely NO sense to me. I’m trying to change my mindset to it being a fun and exciting time because who knows what will happen? Will I meet my future husband? Will I travel abroad? Will I help more people? It is hard to trust God’s journey for us, but you my friend, are on the right path. There are great things in store for you! Happy Birthday! -J.Lynn

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  22. Happy birthday dear girl! Life is a gift! Thank you for sharing your heart with us……I’m glad you have such a loving family who can be with you today. Just so you know, my best friend didn’t find her godly husband until 32, first kid at 35. Just thought that would encourage you..big hugs!!! 🤗🎂

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  23. First off, happy birthday!

    Birthdays are always an interesting day for me too. Definitely a lot of reflection about where I’ve been and want to be. It’s always been like my own personal New Year’s Day. 25 might have been the hardest one for me. I was single, didn’t have any money, was living at home, and was struggling with some things. I felt like I had failed.

    With your fears over marriage, it’s tempting to want to believe lies. You’re still young.

    We all have our own path. Sometimes our times of adversity become the invaluable moments in our lives that help define and shape us. Yes someone might have a family by this age. Yes, someone might have achieved a certain level of education or career success. But those people also have areas where they feel like they’re lacking too. All you can do is get better everyday, grow everyday. Comparing ourselves to others can be disheartening. I know we can’t control our feelings, but we can choose not to play the comparison game.

    It sounds like you’ve already accomplished a lot with your life. Sincerely. You have a lot to be proud of. And, Lord willing, if you’re given many more trips around the sun, you will accomplish much more. And if there are specific areas in your life where you want change, you’re also able to start working today to change.

    Your birthday doesn’t have to be a downer. It can be a day that inspires you. What’s one thing you want to do or experience or change in this next year? Work to make it happen!

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  24. Happy Birthday, Caralyn! As always, I appreciate your authenticity and vulnerability. The Lord is with you. Grace and peace!

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  25. It might be your birthday, but you, your experience strength and hope are truly a gift to me😊(and many others, I’m sure) 🎁 so, I’ll say it, anyway.
    Happy Birthday! I thank God for you. God doesn’t make mistakes, I believe you’re actually in His perfect timing. God bless

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  26. Happy Birthday!!!

    I can completely relate to you as you’re celebrating in your late twenties. My birthday is next week and I’m in the same boat. But thank God for growth, progress, and living!!!

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  27. Happy Birthday!!!
    It’s my aunts birthday too! And one thing I know about Leo’s is that they are kind, driven, and have GREAT TASTE in like everything lol!!
    Thank you for reading my blog even when it gets crazy makes me not feel so alone some times it really means a lot and I thank you! 😭 A like does mean a lot some times like😊.
    You are such a kind soul and I really wish you the best on your day!!!! ❤️❤️❤️

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  30. Happy Birthday, Caralyn!

    I believe that God has a plan for everyone. I didn’t get married until later in life and I don’t regret waiting for one minute. My life is a lot different than I thought it would be. God is waiting to put you with the right person at the right time. Just you wait and see! 🙂

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  35. Birthday Blessing, Pastor! I saw the movie ” The Way ” and as soon as I read you and your Mom were going, I was so happy for your entire family!! When I pray for you, I pray for your family and I know God has a wonderful plan for you which will be revealed when you are ready to receive it! I have been ill since May, and every now and then I write about depression on my blog site. I just started to write again! Through prayer, my God -Goal is to begin with 2 blog posts per week and work my way back to five! I have 2 new posts from last week so I’m happy to be back! If any of your readers suffer from depression, please refer them to my blog, as it is a simple, daily, devotional. It is non denominational and really welcomes those who are spiritually seeking. I hope you will visit again! You and your blog are wonderful! Happy Birthday! P.S. I had a totally different plan for my life than what God had for my life! Know this to be true: God’s plan is not easy, but always, it is, ” THE WAY “

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    1. Thanks so much Rick! Wasn’t it a Greta movie! I really appreciate your prayers. You’re a great friend. I’m so sorry that you’ve been going through a tough season this summer. Praying for you friend. Hugs and love xox

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  37. Happy Birthday Caralyn. Remember the words God spoke to Jeremiah when he felt despair in his mission: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (JER 29-11)
    His plans may not be your plans. But His plans are for you to prosper in hope. Peace in Christ!

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  38. Happy birthday, dear. You and I and bunches of others who thought they had stuff figured out have had to learn that God’s plan trumps ours (I was supposed to be the radio voice of the St. Louis Cardinals). Faith reminds us of the hardest four words in the English language: Thy will be done. All will be well, my friend, you will see. Hugs and love– Mike

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  40. Happiest birthday. Just remember. Each day is a new gift. What you are now, own it. Accept that you are still single for a reason. Not a bad one or as punishment. Tomorrow isn’t promised, yesterday is gone. All we have is today. Embrace the gift of yourself today. Let tomorrow be until the morning.

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  41. Happy Birthday! Another excellent post. Several others have shared this thought, but I’d like to echo them in saying there’s still so much left of your story to be written. I had the privilege of meeting and marrying my high school sweetheart. We were married for 7 years and then the cruelty of cancer took her away. That was almost 6 years ago, and I have had moments where I wonder if I am going to be the single guy the rest of my life, or whether God has set aside someone else to join me on this incredible journey. I am truly content (perhaps for the first time?) either way! I know that regardless of how my journey unfolds, it is all for His good and glory. Thanks for sharing your heart with us. Best to you in the year ahead!

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    1. Thanks so much James. Gosh I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m glad He has given you that peace. Amen to that. Sending so much love and hugs xox

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  46. Happy Birthday. I’m 58 and still wonder what God has in store for me as, like you, very little is the way I hoped, dreamed and worked towards. Someday, maybe it will all make sense. That being said, I think you have a lot of time in front of you before you become a spinster, cat-lady.

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  47. Happy birthday, favorite blogger!💛 Your words constantly inspire me in the way that you always authentically portray your life to us. Thank you for giving us your lovely self in every blog and YouTube video. I eagerly engage with them all; the joy of Christ radiates off of you! Even though I don’t personally know you, I’m very thankful for you, and you’re a big reason I’m determined to go bigger with my own blog by just being me.

    And also, your story of singleness inspires me as a single 21 year old who has never been kissed or had a proper boyfriend before. I know it’s not at all easy sometimes, I think we share a similar struggle in that, but your relatable story definitely gives me comfort, so just know that. You’re almost like an older sister to me (well I guess I’m Christ you are! 😊)

    I’m praying you’ll find comfort in the seasons God puts you in now and the next couple of years. He does know best, right?

    💛
    ~Annah

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    1. Aw you’re so kind, thank you so much Annah! And I so appreciate your prayer amen – He DOES know best and has a good plan for the both of us! Hugs and love xox

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  48. Society says that you need to have your life all figured out — engaged, married, successful career, house, kids, etc by your late 20s. God doesn’t say that.

    Keep the faith. You were spot on: “It will come. I know it will. I trust it will.” And when it comes, you’ll appreciate it so much more. Will keep you in my prayers. And, of course, Happy Birthday. Hope it was a great day.

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  50. Happy Birthday! Your perspective reminds me of how King David handled his disappointments in the book of Psalms (Psalm 69) is one example. I pray your perspective is immovable as you wait on the Lord.

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