It’s my Birthday

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Well, today is my birthday.

Yep, I’m clocking in another year around the sun.

I feel like once you’re in your late twenties, and you’re in that stage of life where you’re supposed to be gearing up to having your life all figured out — engaged, married, successful career, house, kids, etc. — every birthday is just a brutal reminder that, well…I’m not there yet.

And the devil on my shoulder keeps reminding me that with each passing year, I become less and less desirable marriage material, and more and more likely to become a spinster cat lady.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my birthday fell on top of the journey my mom and I took along the Camino de Santiago in Spain. Eighty miles is a long way to walk, and as you read in last week’s reflection, it’s about the journey, not the destination.

But one of the things that I always struggle with, especially on my birthday, is assessing where I am on my journey, and feeling inadequate. And if I’m being suuuuper transparent: like a failure. It’s not a “pretty” truth, but it is what I wrestle with. A remnant of my disordered thoughts during my anorexia.

Growing up, I thought my life would be in a much different place than where it is now. Heck, in fourth grade I would have told you that I’d be on kid #7 of 12 by now!

But if I’m honest, it’s hard not to feel like I’ve either made a horribly wrong turn, thus missing the path God had laid out for my life; or that God simply has abandoned this lost cause of an existence.

And I know, bleak thoughts for a day that is supposed to be full of celebrating.

But it’s my reality, and I just feel really phony writing a chippy-chipperton post about how joyful I am that it’s my birthday.

But you know, I did a lot of praying about that this morning. And God placed something on my heart. So I’m going to share.

While my mom and I were walking the Camino, we woke up one morning to the news of Demi Lovato’s overdose. And I want to just pause to say that she and her loved ones are in my prayers during this difficult time. Addiction is such an insipid, lurking monster, and I’m so glad that she is getting the help she needs. And her courage is truly inspiring.

But it just reminded me that I have a lot to be grateful for.

Anorexia is a very specific type of addiction. And though food is not an “illegal substance” like narcotics, or opioids, the disordered mentality behind addictive actions is very much the same.

And the news of Demi’s relapse not only shattered my heart for her, but also reminded me that recovery is a battle you can’t fall asleep on. Diligence and intentionality is needed each and every day – even in the strongest of recoveries.

But the fact is, I’m here, and I’ve overcome a lot. God has blessed my life with complete healing, and with an incredibly supportive group of family and friends.

I’m healthy. I’m alive. And I’m in a place in my life where I truly am thriving.

Maybe it doesn’t look like my fourth-grade mind had planned, but then you know – God had other plans. Plans and challenges and detours that have shaped me into the young woman I am today. And I embrace that. And am grateful for it.

I have been so blessed in my recovery. I owe absolutely everything to God’s grace, and the fact that I’ve made it another 365 is cause for praise and gratitude to the Author of Life.

Because we’re not guaranteed tomorrow. That’s something that, sadly, as we get older, becomes more and more apparent, as we become aware of the tragedies all around us, that seem to pop up with more and more frequency.

I think today I should be taking an inventory of all the things in my life I do have – that I have been blessed with, rather than negatively comparing where I am with where people on my Facebook timeline are in their lives, or with the unrealistic standard of perfection I had set for myself, even as an Old Navy Tech Vest-wearing, Gel Pen-toting, precocious ten year old.

Birthdays are a time for thanksgiving. Gratitude for life. For relationships. For health. For blessings. For lessons learned the hard way. And yes, for the patience God is fortifying in me as I await the unfolding of the rest of my story.

It will come. I know it will. I trust it will.

God is working, and as with all good things, some take longer than others. But one thing’s for sure: it will be worth the wait.

See ya tomorrow morning on the Podcast!

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A big thank you to my foundational sponsor, BetterHelp Online Therapy. I cannot begin to express how beneficial therapy was for my recovery from anorexia.  Speak with an online therapist. Or check out content about eating disorders from BetterHelp.

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

553 thoughts on “It’s my Birthday”

  1. Happy Birthday! Be careful of looking at the “supposed to be’s.” They lie all the time. My wife-to-be took a Cosmo quiz once. She was over 40, divorced with two kids. The “supposed-to-be” experts of that mag said her chances of finding a husband were less than 1%. She met and married me within the year. That was 26 years ago. She tells people I was the answer to her prayer. She often forgets that she was the answer to mine. Best piece of advice I can give you is to forget about meeting “the one.” Just go about doing God’s work. He knows your heart and will deliver. And not only will your prayers be answered… you’ll know what being the answer to someone else’s prayer feels like. Believing with you. Michael

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  3. Happy birthday and many happy returns of the day.

    “every birthday is just a brutal reminder that, well…I’m not there yet.” – every birthday is a reminder that you are chosen to give back to your fellow beings because you are one of the fortunate one.

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  5. Happy Birthday, Caralyn! You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be right now in your life journey. I have a quote framed in my office that I look at all the time… my nephew’s wife gave it to me when they desperately wanted another baby and waited 7 years to get pregnant… “Faith in God includes faith in his timing.” Amen to that. I reference that quote a lot! Wishing you an amazing year, filled with blessings! Jenny xoxo

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  7. Happy Blessed Birthday! Thank you for your beautifully transparent post. You are obviously very lovely inside and out. I look forward to seeing the exciting, blessed adventures God has in store for you.

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  11. i can relate… 🙂

    Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand. – James 5:7-8

    happy birthday!

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  13. Happy birthday! I should also tell you what a friend once told me about not having all life plans in order–Jesus didn’t start the work od ministry until he turned 30! 🙂

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  14. Have a Happy Birthday! Your path is still out there to be walked along. As you grow older, you’ll be more and more surprised at what a great life you’ve led- even if it’s not the one ten-year-old you thought it was going to be.

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  17. “But one of the things that I always struggle with, especially on my birthday, is assessing where I am on my journey, and feeling inadequate. And if I’m being suuuuper transparent: like a failure. It’s not a “pretty” truth, but it is what I wrestle with.

    “But if I’m honest, it’s hard not to feel like I’ve either made a horribly wrong turn, thus missing the path God had laid out for my life; or that God simply has abandoned this lost cause of an existence.”

    I know how you feel. Have I taken too many wrong turns? Did I miss the opportunities? Is it too late to salvage anything? Prayers feel like they don’t get past the ceiling, and God has been silent for a long time. Would love to take you out for some caramelized Brussels sprouts and Nicecream with strawberries and talk about it. 😊 Seriously, if you ever do want to talk, email or DM me on Patreon.

    You do so much good with this blog and your podcasts. God only knows the number of people you’ve helped who thought they were totally alone in their distress. What hope you must give to people, young ladies and parents alike! I don’t know the future, but it wouldn’t surprise me in the least for God to have you speaking to large groups of people about your experiences very soon. You’ve already been on the radio! 👏👏 And I could totally see you in a remake of Charade. 😎

    And that devil on your shoulder is lying. Totally. You are NOT becoming less desirable marriage material, you’re becoming more, much more. I promise you. You already have such a wonderful relationship with God which can only grow deeper and stronger. And with His light inside, you’re becoming more beautiful and attractive each day. I am sure there is a Godly man out there whom God has been preparing for you. Right now he feels just like you do, waiting and wondering if you will ever appear. But God’s timing is perfect. And when He finally brings the two of you together, that man will take one look at you and KNOW you are worth every second.

    Happy Birthday!!! 🎂🤗xoxo

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      1. Not at all. You are most welcome. Thank you for sharing Jesus and His gift of salvation with everyone! Hope you have a wonderful week! xoxo

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      1. I’m mostly just glad you didn’t say it was the 5th, because one of the ex-girlfriends I’ve blogged about often (“SN1604”) is the 5th. I didn’t want you to have the same birthday as her… haha. 🙂 Especially because you’re around the same age too, and when I first read your headline I thought, oh no, please don’t have them be born on the same day. (Something you said makes me think you’re not the same year, though.) (And that is what inspired my most recent post.)

        Related side note, I’ve often said that I don’t normally believe in astrology, except for one thing, that life has taught me the hard way three times over that Leos should not get involved romantically with other Leos. I’m August 15, SN1604 is August 5, the other ex-girlfriend I’ve blogged about (“Acrux”) is August 19, and another ex whom I don’t remember if I’ve mentioned was July 26 or 29 or something like that, I don’t even remember.

        Also, I remember that in one of your posts about dating I’ve whimsically made the offer that if we ever find ourselves both single and in the same place geographically, I’d take you on a date. Despite knowing that you’re another Leo, the offer is still good. 😛

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  19. Happy Birthday! Your day will come when it’s time….dont rush it! I could tell you stories lol stay strong! I’m always here if you need someone to talk to. Love your writing😘

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  22. Happy, Happy Birthday! Come to think of it every day is a birthday in a sense. You wake up and discover you’re alive and the sun is shining. You have the gift of hearing, speech, smell, taste and touch. And you can break out in a song of praise for these gifts on your new day. All these gifts are yours to use in a way that gives joy and the most joy comes in making others happy in some way. You have another year to do the same! Discover God’s plan, patiently wait and see your chosen activities fit his plan for you and you will experience happiness in abundance this new year. 🙂

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  25. It’s when things do not go for not when life is enjoyed to the last drop, in the ebb and flow of time more wisdom in each new birthday until the next time around. Happy birthday sunshine

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  26. After much illness I made the decision years ago that each birthday is to be celebrated. I am still here, still breathing, still contributing. May you have many more to celebrate, and celebrate them well. Happy Birthday may God’s plans live out in you.

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  27. Happy Birthday Caralyn.. 😀 May God bless you with great health and lots of happiness.. 🙂

    By the way I am leading in the journey around the sun by a day (\m/) :p 😀 probably the reason I resonate similar thoughts .. 🙂

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  28. My dear friend – Please accept my best wishes on your birthday. When I was young I was frustrated with too often hearing that I wasn’t old enough. Now I’m not young enough! Live in your age. Cherish it. It’s time that waters our lives and causes them to grow and not just age. You’ve grown a great deal in the short time I’ve known you, so value that more than the years!

    Enough rambling. I hope there’s something in there you can use. If not, at least understand that I care because of who you are. And so do many others. You have worth both in God’s eye and your friends’.

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    1. Thanks Jeff 🙂 that’s great advice : love and cherish in your age. Definitely taking that nugget of gold with me 🙂 thanks friend!! Hugs and love to you and Julie! xox

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  29. Happy Birthday! 🎉🎈🎂🎁 And isn’t it funny remembering where your 4th grade version thought you’d be on a timeline? I remember thinking I want four kids, two boys, two girls, and to be married by 22. 😂 In reality I was 31 (22! Far too young!) when I married, and I had one child when I was 37. One (an angel) and done. And I’m happy.

    The point is, there is no timeline you’re on or missing, it’ll all happen when it happens. Or when the Divine wills it to happen. Just get on with it and keep being the wonderful woman you are who shares her light and faith with others. You’re a wonderful person and I hope you had an equally lovely birthday.

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    1. Thanks so much friend. I really appreciate you sharing your story. You’re right – His timeline Hugs and love xox

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  30. Happy Birthday Beauty.
    Don’t feel bad about being single, there is a purpose for every challenge in our lives.
    Chances are a worthy man is still in the preparation stage, you wouldn’t want him before he has been refined would you?
    Hugs and smiles

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  31. I completely understand what it feels like to be in my later 20s and looking at others on facebook and comparing. I learned a hard lesson this year. That lesson was to learn to be humble and let go of perfection. The bible says to be first we must be last. 🙂

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  33. Hello, I am a Japanese Kera.
    This comment is written in Google Translate.
    happy Birthday.
    I am also born in July.
    I hope the coming year will be a good year
    I pray.
    I will come to play again.

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  34. It makes me sad that you feel that way. There is no path or right way; life is simply journey. Your posts are inspirations to who knows how many people. Whatever your destiny may be, I can’t imagine God not smiling down on your deeds; they are who you are… and it seems like a great person to be.

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  35. Happy birthday. Your blog posts are interesting. As your years are, so shall your strength be. Keep serving the Lord, your labour of love will not be in vain.

    Have a blast.❤

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  37. Happy birthday! Just so you know, I am right there with you… But I am so grateful that we have a faithful Father Who, unlike the world, does not place expectations on us. He is not disappointed that we haven’t reached a certain point in our lives yet. All He wants is for us to abide in Him, even as He abides in us, and I know He will bring us where we need to be.
    I sent up a birthday prayer for you, and echoed it over me, and I know the Lord is faithful to answer. Amen!

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  39. Happy Birthday, lovely xxx I know I am blessed as well and very grateful. I felt like I was reading my story in part while reading about your birthday thoughts. You will be in my thoughts and prayers ❤ I still struggle at times with, what I call, the negative voice that whispers to me and laughs at me. I had to learn to love myself and I did that through God!! I too have some wonderful family and friends that are very kind and supportive. Blessings to you ❤

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  41. Happy Birthday, beautiful friend!!! As always, I love you. And just for the record, God says you are successful because your heart is in line with His. Keep being amazing you! Hugs. XO

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  42. Happy Birthday! Try being 45.5 and still confused but I do know God is preparing me for something amazing! 😉 The longer the wait, the better the fate!

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  48. 1) Happy Birthday. 2) I want to share this quote with you that really has helped me over the years with the fact that I’ve been single as well: “He (God) is never ahead of schedule, never late, but always on time. Remember, if He wants longer than you wish, it is only to make the blessing more abundant when it comes.” – from one of Kerri Pomarolli’s books

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    1. Aw, thank you so much! wow – that quote really hits home with me! 🙂 i appreciate you sharing! Hugs and love xox

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      1. You’re welcome. =) God cares about every detail of your life, and His plans for you are FAR better than anything you could dream up for yourself. You keep your eyes on Him, trust Him, and determine to never settle for anything less than His absolute best for you, in any area of your life. Hugs!

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  49. Caralyn, Happy Birthday! Celebrating you, the unique and one and only Caralyn. Your journey has taken many detours but it has made you into who you are today. You are an overcomer and are doing many things that others only dream about. Thankfully, we do not have a standard of “keeping up with the mythical Jones.” You are right on time. You have not settled for less than the best. Cheering you on!

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  50. One thing I learned in life is that God does not give up on us. We may give up, but He does not. We may take a wrong path, but He brings us back. He has a plan for all of us. You are still young ND beautiful. Don’t worry. God has the right man for you and he will probably come when you least expect it. I think I felt the way you are feeling but less positive perspective at your age. But, the most amazing woman came into my life and I marries her when I was 37. We just had our 21st anniversary… 21 wonderful years full of love, laughter, ups and downs, and God teaching us and growing us, protecting us and providing for us. Jesus Christ is the center of our home and what better blessing can we have than that? Stay positive. And thanks for your honesty and vulnerability. May God bless you.

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    1. Thank you so much for this beautiful note of encouragement. and congrats on 21 years! so awesome! Hugs and love xox

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