It’s my Birthday

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Well, today is my birthday.

Yep, I’m clocking in another year around the sun.

I feel like once you’re in your late twenties, and you’re in that stage of life where you’re supposed to be gearing up to having your life all figured out — engaged, married, successful career, house, kids, etc. — every birthday is just a brutal reminder that, well…I’m not there yet.

And the devil on my shoulder keeps reminding me that with each passing year, I become less and less desirable marriage material, and more and more likely to become a spinster cat lady.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my birthday fell on top of the journey my mom and I took along the Camino de Santiago in Spain. Eighty miles is a long way to walk, and as you read in last week’s reflection, it’s about the journey, not the destination.

But one of the things that I always struggle with, especially on my birthday, is assessing where I am on my journey, and feeling inadequate. And if I’m being suuuuper transparent: like a failure. It’s not a “pretty” truth, but it is what I wrestle with. A remnant of my disordered thoughts during my anorexia.

Growing up, I thought my life would be in a much different place than where it is now. Heck, in fourth grade I would have told you that I’d be on kid #7 of 12 by now!

But if I’m honest, it’s hard not to feel like I’ve either made a horribly wrong turn, thus missing the path God had laid out for my life; or that God simply has abandoned this lost cause of an existence.

And I know, bleak thoughts for a day that is supposed to be full of celebrating.

But it’s my reality, and I just feel really phony writing a chippy-chipperton post about how joyful I am that it’s my birthday.

But you know, I did a lot of praying about that this morning. And God placed something on my heart. So I’m going to share.

While my mom and I were walking the Camino, we woke up one morning to the news of Demi Lovato’s overdose. And I want to just pause to say that she and her loved ones are in my prayers during this difficult time. Addiction is such an insipid, lurking monster, and I’m so glad that she is getting the help she needs. And her courage is truly inspiring.

But it just reminded me that I have a lot to be grateful for.

Anorexia is a very specific type of addiction. And though food is not an “illegal substance” like narcotics, or opioids, the disordered mentality behind addictive actions is very much the same.

And the news of Demi’s relapse not only shattered my heart for her, but also reminded me that recovery is a battle you can’t fall asleep on. Diligence and intentionality is needed each and every day – even in the strongest of recoveries.

But the fact is, I’m here, and I’ve overcome a lot. God has blessed my life with complete healing, and with an incredibly supportive group of family and friends.

I’m healthy. I’m alive. And I’m in a place in my life where I truly am thriving.

Maybe it doesn’t look like my fourth-grade mind had planned, but then you know – God had other plans. Plans and challenges and detours that have shaped me into the young woman I am today. And I embrace that. And am grateful for it.

I have been so blessed in my recovery. I owe absolutely everything to God’s grace, and the fact that I’ve made it another 365 is cause for praise and gratitude to the Author of Life.

Because we’re not guaranteed tomorrow. That’s something that, sadly, as we get older, becomes more and more apparent, as we become aware of the tragedies all around us, that seem to pop up with more and more frequency.

I think today I should be taking an inventory of all the things in my life I do have – that I have been blessed with, rather than negatively comparing where I am with where people on my Facebook timeline are in their lives, or with the unrealistic standard of perfection I had set for myself, even as an Old Navy Tech Vest-wearing, Gel Pen-toting, precocious ten year old.

Birthdays are a time for thanksgiving. Gratitude for life. For relationships. For health. For blessings. For lessons learned the hard way. And yes, for the patience God is fortifying in me as I await the unfolding of the rest of my story.

It will come. I know it will. I trust it will.

God is working, and as with all good things, some take longer than others. But one thing’s for sure: it will be worth the wait.

See ya tomorrow morning on the Podcast!

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A big thank you to my foundational sponsor, BetterHelp Online Therapy. I cannot begin to express how beneficial therapy was for my recovery from anorexia.  Speak with an online therapist. Or check out content about eating disorders from BetterHelp.

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

553 thoughts on “It’s my Birthday”

  1. Thank you for your personal perspective of 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. I, too, wonder why I continue to struggle with inner turmoil I thought I was healed from. I’m reminded of the power the Lord gives to those who rejoice in their weaknesses. Keep the faith, my friend! You’re an inspiration in this world of despair. 🙂

    Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

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  3. You dear. Wishing you a belated happy birthday. Love comes in many forms, and God’s is extra-special. We love you. And don’t worry about the vulnerability, it makes you that much special.

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  4. Happy Birthday Caralyn. Please don’t think you’ve missed out or taken the wrong turn because you feel you haven’t figured it all out YET! But just know that God is at work moment by moment and that even though we take the wrong turns sometimes, God will lead us to the right one exactly when we are ready. Your post reminds me of the movie- “SLIDING DOORS.” I have two daughters older than you and they haven’t got everything figured out yet either, but we all believe that God is the intelligent designer behind every good thing that happens to us esp. for those who are in His radar like you are. Finally, just know that in God’s realm there is no time, God lives in the ever present. We put too much emphasis on time. God bless.

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  5. Happy belated Birthday! Don’t get discouraged, God gave you your miracle so kinda got to believe that one day you will have all the desires of your heart, including babies and you are so fashionable, just think of it as maybe being fashionably late to motherhood 🙂
    I had my daughter five days before my thirty-fourth birthday and it is so much fun to be a Mom when your schoolmates are grandparents! And you have had an opportunity to have all your adventures before “settling down” but I know he will take care of you!
    You are such a blessing!

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  6. God’s ways are tailor-made for His children. We have our own plans, no doubt, but we do well to rely on our Father’s plans for us. This may, although, sound easier than experienced.

    Anyway, I wouldn’t say I’m late to pray you have fulfilling days ahead of you. Happier days ahead.

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  7. A belated Happy Birthday to you. Mine is just around the corner and in many ways I can understand your feelings about where you thought you would be. Being older and still in the situation where I haven’t settled down, married and had children the thoughts about having missed out, got things wrong etc pop into the head from time to time too. As you have said, it is important to try to remember on what God has given. I have a friend who does that every New Year. A list of everything to be thankful for. Yes there may be things that didn’t go well, but they start the year in a positive place with God. I try to think about the positives of being single. The freedom that it provides and the opportunities that God can give, and I’m not just meaning mission work by saying that. I wouldn’t have had the fun and friends from my US trips that I do now if I had a family. It isn’t an even exchange, I realise that, but I know that it has been a blessing to my life and I am thankful to God for it.

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  8. This was a truly wonderful post. I hope You had a fantabulous birthday and it’s BEYOND COOL that You and Your Mother walked the Camino. WOW!!! Cheers, Thank You and Rock On!!! 🙂

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  9. Hi Carolyn, hope i can still wish you a BLESSED BIRTHDAY.
    Thank you for dropping by, and liking https://wp.me/p7WQUW-3Hl.
    To get to know you, i went through some of your videos from your YOUTUBE channel.
    You have such a sweet and beautiful spirit. Don’t let anything take them away.
    By the way, good to know that you are not rushing … https://wp.me/p7WQUW-3Ff.

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  13. Happy belated birthday Caralyn!! We share the same birthday! I could totally relate to your words. I, too, thought I’d be married with all my kids by age 29 but I was married at age 31 and can say I am very grateful now. Unfortunately the Devil never lets up- even though I’m married, now it’s feeling like a terrible failure as a wife and because I am still not a mother at age 34. I guess I am trying to just embrace these thoughts as just thoughts and not dwell on them. They may always be there, who knows; but sometimes with God’s strength I can rise above the thoughts and remember the core of who I am does not rely on any labels. He’s got you right where he wants you! Thanks for sharing. It’s always a pleasure reading your words!

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    1. Thank you so much Brittany for sharing your story. I will definitely keep you in my prayers! He has good plans for you 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  14. Stop seeing yourself as a marriage material. You are a wonderful soul and infinitely more than that.

    “There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations – these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit – immortal horrors or everlasting splendors. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously – no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption.”

    ― C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

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  15. Let go and let God, darling.

    Here and now
    is the best time of your life,
    if you are fully awake.
    Here and now
    is where the magic happens

    🙂

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  16. “it’s about the journey, not the destination.”

    As you start to walk on the way, the way appears 😉 ❤

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  17. thanks for liking my poetry – I think recent poems speak to your thoughts in this post
    ‘We are not guaranteed tomorrow’ – live for today!
    Glad you’re doing so well.
    and yes, it’s a beautiful morning – make the most of a beautiful day.
    x

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  18. Happy belated year around the sun 🙂 I found the book “How to be Single and Happy” helpful for coping with not being with a partner (at least not yet, lol). These are poignant issues, and I’m glad that you feel God’s support through them.

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  19. “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
    ‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭NLT‬‬

    Sometimes letting go of our own plans and fully embracing His can be tough, but you are so right, it’s all about the journey and you are who you are today because of it. I love who you are, and I’m convinced God thinks you’re pretty special too ❤️.

    Thanks for the likes on my posts recently. From one August girl to another. 😊😘

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  20. In December of 2014 my wife was diagnosed with a nasty chronic illness which has totally changed our world and where we thought God was taking us. Thank you for being transparent in your post. I want to wish you a happy belated birthday (I’m hitting the big 50 next month so major reflection time coming) and to let you know many of us can relate to thinking our lives would end up in one place only to find out they wouldn’t. Stay strong and remember he is your anchor of our soul. (Hebrews 6:19).

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  23. Happy belated birthday. And yes, God has great plans for you 🙂 May He continue to bless you and guide you each day.

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  24. Happy Birthday month! And may God bless your coming year. May you, like Esther, be aware of how God can use you in His perfect timing. And may He give you the direction and courage to be obedient in all He calls you to. Laura

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  27. I am visiting your site because you came to my blog Christianquietude.wordpress.com and ‘liked’ my post, “I Am His”
    I enjoyed reading this post (It’s my birthday). I like your honesty and vulnerability. I plan to recommend your site to people who might benefit from your message. Thank you for visiting my blog (which caused me to find your site). Wishing you many more very happy birthdays.

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  28. Fantastic post, as always. Loved the reminder that just b/c we may not hit all of life’s milestones at the “proper” time, doesn’t mean we’re on the wrong path. Everyone’s journey is unique! Hope you had a great birthday!

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  30. Just live your own life, we can’t ever make everyone around us totally happy so just be happy with your self each day, it’s your life, not their. If you did not cause harm to another today and you feel good about your day don’t worry about what others think. Our life is exactly that, our life, it is only between ourselves and God. If we spend our life trying to live the life that those around us say we should live, neither they nor our self will be anything but miserable.

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  33. Hi,
    Happy Birthday! Even though it is a little late. But, I have an excuse. I just found out today.
    I always feel a little uncomfortable about this because I don’t want it to be misconstrued, but you have been reading my blog for longer, I think, then anyone else.
    I would like for you read my last book “THE LIFE & TIMES OF AN INCORRIGIBLE” simply because I think you would enjoy it. I don’t expect you to spend your money to do so on my suggestion.
    I am at peace with my demons now at the age of seventy two and I try to pass the knowledge I have gained on to others.
    May I send you a PDF file of the book for you to read? You won’t hurt my feelings if you’re not interested, in fact if I tell people they hurt my feelings, they tell me I don’t have any, being a Drill Sergeant and all.
    If you think you would be interested, you can send me a short note to 1grunt68@gmail.com in any event, I hope you have a fantastic weekend!

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  34. I am so sorry I did not catch this. So I am not saying a belated happy birthday, but an early one for next year. Happy Birthday. It’s an honor. Pray you had a great day!!

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    1. Oh my gosh thank you
      For such kind words. And for keeping me in your prayers! Know that you’re in mine too! Big hugs to you friend xonv

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  36. Belated many happy returns, and I you can know I didn’t meet the woman who would become my wife until I was 45 so you really do have all the time in the world to meet the person you’re destined to be with

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