My BAD First Date

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

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OK! ONTO THE POST!

So I went on a date yesterday.

I know. Call the press. This is BIG.

haha Juuuuust kidding. But it was a bit of excitement for a weekday evening.

It was one of those things that I just made myself do.

I’m trying to be open to love, open to God’s plan for my life. And as you know, in recent months, I’ve finally begun the process of learning how to accept love.

It’s been a long and arduous journey, but here we are. Home stretch of 2018. It’s time for me to start dating.

And since Zac Efron is not in my direct proximity here in NYC, I decided to let one of my friends download a dating app onto my phone.

Which, I only agreed to because this particular one showed whether the guy is Christian or not — in addition to his age, job title and height.

So, I matched with this seemingly perfect guy: Christian. Incredible job. Former D1 collegiate athlete. Corner unit of a luxury high rise that overlooked lower Manhattan. And he legitimately looked like a Ken Doll. We’re talking — cheek bones that could cut glass and a jaw line that would make Ashton Kutcher jealous.

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I was expecting greatness.

And to be fair, I did have a great time. But more than that, I learned a lot about myself.

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We went to this swanky bar. I got all dressed up and felt a bit like a princess. The conversation, though not the most riveting…I mean hello – it was a first date — never lulled for a full two and a half hours.

And aside from dodging his attempt at a kiss goodnight with an extra enthusiastic, “I’M A HUGGER!” line — there was no awkwardness to speak of. I was a smooth operator. He even invited me out again this weekend.

But here’s the thing. This guy (who for the record doesn’t know this blog exists, or that I am even a writer) exhibited several red flags that I couldn’t help but take note of.

For starters, he dropped the F-Bomb within five minutes of our conversation. And then proceeded to use it 7 more times throughout the night. And yes – I was counting.

Look, I’m not looking for St. Michael. I don’t care if you curse. I have been known to throw around a few four letter words every now and then. But not on a first date. Be a gentleman. I am a lady, gosh darn it — show a little respect.

So that kinda got my radar up.

The nail in the coffin for me, though, was when he talked about how he recently took some hallucinogenic drugs at a music festival. And I’m not talking about weed. We’re talking get-you-locked-up, hard drug.

And he was bragging about it.

And again, to each his own. If a person chooses to take drugs – that’s their decision, and I am not going to judge them on it. But I can tell you, that that man will not be the father of my children.

But here’s the kicker.

This guy’s job is one that he can be randomly drug tested at any time. And if he fails that test, he would lose his job. Not like, oh just get another job. No. This is like, he’d never be able to work in his job field ever again.

So I was just blown away by how irresponsibly stupid his decision was to do that. Several times.

Red flag.

Big, bright, flashing red flag.

At the end of the night, coming home, I had a pit in my stomach. Because I knew I was going to have to let this guy down.

And the people pleaser in me hates disappointing people. Especially when it comes to personal matters.

But riding home in my Uber that night, I had an epiphany.

I finally realized what I deserved.

I finally saw my worth in a very tangible way.

Sure, this guy was great on paper. But the fact is: I deserve more than what this guy was offering. I deserve to be respected, and treated as the gem that I am. I am worth that.

I deserve to be in a relationship where trust is not an issue – where I don’t have to worry about the potential for drug abuse problems, or whether my husband will be able to stay clean, especially when there are children in the picture.

And look. Yes, I get it – it was a first date. Maybe you’re thinking, “Jeeze, getting ahead of yourself, much? Pump the breaks on the marriage and kids thoughts!”

Well, to that, I politely say, No.

Because here’s the deal: I’m not just dating to “date around” and “have fun.”

I’m looking for the man I’m supposed to marry.

And so you better believe that I will always always be evaluating him on that fact. And as soon as I don’t feel it anymore, I don’t want to waste my time, but more importantly, his time either by leading him on or letting things just stall because I’m afraid to hurt some feelings.

There is a man out there that God is preparing. He’s preparing my heart, and He’s preparing his. And I trust that He is going to bring him into my life at the precise time, when we both are ready.

Am I glad that I went yesterday?

Absolutely.

I learned that:
A) dating isn’t as scary as I thought it would be.
B) I’m actually not that bad at it.
and
C) I shouldn’t feel badly about not compromising my high standards, because I am worth it.

I’m no saint. You all know my sordid past, and all the skeletons in my closet that I will one day have to share with my future husband. So I fully understand and appreciate that compromise and understanding and grace are two-way streets. And I’m going to be so blessed and grateful for a man who will accept all of me, as I will him.

But I’m allowed to be choosy, and recognize any scary red flags when I see them.

Moral of the story: I’ve just got to keep putting myself in play. Because God will work His agenda, but I’ve gotta meet Him half way.

And finally FINALLY — maybe those dating apps just aren’t for me.

I think I’d rather be introduced by a friend. 🙂

How did you meet your significant other? What’s your best piece of dating advice? I’m ALL EARS! 

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

456 thoughts on “My BAD First Date”

  1. Hi thiaBasilia,

    Sorry for Hogging this Platform – not so up to date here…

    I’m pretty sure I’d be missing your actual meaning over there.

    But what I read,
    The Clock,
    Depends on Everyone’s situation,
    I know men come up against the Clock as well.

    I’m 43 already and pretty terrible at Relationships –
    If that’s at all part of what you mean in some ways…

    So I do get the Lack of chances at finding Someone and
    Time which passed.
    Still,
    If and When She cross my path,
    I’ll jump at the Opportunity!

    As I said,
    I’m quite sure I’m wrong here.

    Just so you’d know,
    If everyone was the same,
    Without us being Unique,
    This World would be a Really
    Boring place to Live in.

    All the Best to You!

    Like

  2. Not meant to hug, really. Been in touch with Beauty beyond bones for a while. That’s all. You are a dear! Indeed! Unique! Just like me! O plz! Humor? My latest uniqueness besides always putting my two cents regardless! Hahaha!

    The beauty of our future? All in One, but! Never the same! Just to mention sameness? Makes me want to blast that sameness into a zillion pieces. lol

    Much love, thia for short.

    Like

  3. Great post, BBB.

    I am waiting in the hospital for my (2nd) wife of 19 years, who is having hip replacement surgery shortly. I would still be married to my 1st if she had not died after 25 years.

    I knew from age 7 I was meant to be married, and only had 7 months between the two. I am 66 now.

    My advice about marriage:

    1) Let God be your final decision maker. Father knows best!
    2) Marry for friendship first. Other motivations will fade, but friendship is forever, especially in marriage.
    3) Keep open, keep talking and keep working on it. Better a yard wide and a mile deep than vice versa.

    My 1st wife Iris was in a wheelchair from age 22 months. She was hit by a truck slightly, but it fractured her spine. In 1950 they didn’t immobilize, and when the doctor tried to get her to walk, her spine snapped. But we were able to have 2 children and 3 granddaughters, and she got to enjoy the 1st for 3 years. Her other accomplishments were also amazing. We met in college, became good then best friends for 2 years, and never really “dated”–though we hung out so much together people assumed we were. We went straight into engagement.

    My 2nd wife Diane I met online. She lived 600 miles away. Similar story in terms of friendship, but online snd on the phone (when online was still dialup and on the phone meant paying for minutes!). I asked her to marry me sight unseen. I drove to meet her after several months, and flew up the next weekend to drive her back to help fill the spot in my business office my 1st wife had, committing to her that if marriage didn’t work out, i would help her get back. We were married 6 weeks later.

    Then she had a heart attack 26 days in (no prior history, and none since).We weathered that, brought her 2 kids and 3 cats down 4 months later. Her daughter still lives with us (still waiting for the man God has for her at age 40), and we are still married and still in business together.

    You are wise beyond your years. Don’t compromise. Hold out for God’s best. I can testify that it is worth it.

    (Some portions of my story are posted on my blog.)

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    1. Hey Ken, thank you so much for sharing your heart and experience. Gosh, I’m so sorry that she went through that. Praise God that she is doing well! And thank you for your excellent dating advice! Hugs and love xox

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  4. Keep to your high standards! And, no, dating isn’t that hard. Though most people you date won’t be the one (since there’s only one, right?!?!?).

    Just a note about hallucinogenic drugs: most can’t be tested with a standard drug test. LSD or mushrooms won’t show up in anything less than a spinal tap. If you’re going to do drugs, hallucinogenics are the safest. Especially mushrooms, since they’re neither addictive and your body will only build up a tolerance if you take them too often. Meaning it’s a once in a while kinda thing for anyone who has an interest in eating mushrooms to experience hallucinations or have a trippy spiritual experience.

    Okay, that’s my two cents. I hope you find the love of your life. Don’t give up on online dating. That’s how I found the lady who’s now my wonderful wife 😀

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    1. Hi Randal, thank you so much for your encouraging words. And interesting info on the hallucinogenic drugs. Hugs and love xox

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  7. When I got older and dating in my 30’s after my divorce, I never went out with strangers. I had to have seen them regularly at a place I frequented and we spoke or through someone that knew them personally. If anyone would have told me they “dropped acid” or something silly I would have genuinely wanted to know why. I would have asked them why they decided to try it and really delve into that. It’s important. People who use any kind of substance regularly have issues of some kind that I would not be interested in. And those who use street drugs are playing fast & loose with their own lives. That’s disconcerting. God bless. I’m sure there’s someone that is right for you.

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    1. Hi friend! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this — that’s such great advice: to know the people you go out with first. thanks for the encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  8. Love this and I love that you are not going to settle. To many people settle for less just to have someone only to realize they’ve made a HUGE mistake and then think they can change them. That NEVER works! God has the perfect person for you. Great job sweetie! Hugs🤗

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  9. Dating: Aaaargh ’tis a hard life (excuse my inner pirate)
    The problem with dating is that it is like trying to find the perfect job by doing interviews.

    Yeah, I know, that’s how most people find jobs. But perfect jobs are often ones you stumble upon because you get to like the people you work with, not because you are trying to like the job.

    I think you should come obliquely to dating, and that way the “re flags” never made it to the first date. If you engage in activities you enjoy in a mixed group session you get to meet people without in your face dating. You get to assess a lot of people, in person, when they are concentrating on doing something other than trying to impress you. You see more of them before they turn the headlights on you.

    Rock climbing, scuba diving, flower arranging whatever. Play side by side for a while and you get a much better sense of people. You also get to meet people who meet people who are like you. Broaden your social circle, have a bit of fun, and then, much further down the road, go on some dates.

    Salsa dancing, hiking, re-enactments, amateur dramatics, it’s a broad canvas out there.

    My favourite romatic quote: The great lover is not the man who pleases many women in his life, but the one who pleases one woman for all hers.

    That guy is not a narcissistic alpha male with a top job and a sharp jaw. Mr “God’s Gift” wants you to worship him. The man who will worship you is a quiet guy, a bit shy, not a show off and he probably thinks he is not good enough for you. He will need encouragement.

    Good luck princess!

    PS, married 25 years this year, 3 kids, deeply in love with my princess.

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    1. play side by side with people – that is such great advice. Thank you for this awesome insight! and congrats on 25 years! that is truly something to celebrate 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  10. Love it. You’re always so honest in your posts that it really makes me feel good about humanity. So, the F bomb – when did that word become part of a sentence? I hear it so many times in a day that it doesn’t even shock me any longer. I also hear it from kids that are barely old enough to know it’s origin – they just say because we’ve let it become normal. Crazy. Good for you on knowing right away this person wasn’t going to be right for you – I have daughters and I wish they were that intuitive and selective. You should see some of the strays that have walked through our front door – Lord have mercy.

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    1. Thank you so much for your encouraging words! Hahah the strays – that made me chuckle! I know – sad about the f bomb! Hugs and love xox

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  11. Wow!! I am a new follower and have probably gone through a few of your posts but i must say, i am glad i am following you. Thank you for being open and honest in your posts and most importantly, THANK YOU FOR SHARING GOD with the world.
    Back to this particular post, i say NO NO NO and NO to compromise ever in any aspect/area of our lives. The world has portrayed a lot of things to be “ok” and very many of us have unfortunately fallen victims of the consequences these things comes with.
    Marriage is one of those that has suffered these lies and the mistakes breed from dating. I love the fact that you mention marriage for you (and i wish it would be the same for all) is and should strictly lead to marriage. And this can only be possible if right from the start, our God values are put all out for everyone-potential partner to see. The consequences in taking on as a marriage partner go beyond just the two of you but will affect generations to come! But most of us never see this. I have suffered consequences in this particular as a result of ignorance(which is not in any way my defense) but on getting to know what God says about relationships/marriage, i had to turn back to His ways which meant ending some of these relationships. I keep wishing i could turn back the hands of time to undo the damage but it is not possible. I can only walk in obedience and share my story to help others not to make my mistakes. We need to change the world and i am proud to know that someone out there is doing so. Way to go!! Keep it up. #LetsChangeTheWorldWithTheTruth Only the word of God is the way, the truth and Life.

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    1. Thank you so much Sandra!! What a kind thing to say!! That’s such great advice — thank you for sharing your story. You’re right – we must keep our eyes on the way, truth and life! Hugs and love xox

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  13. So many giving you advice. You know from my blog (which I say is really God’s not mine) I look to the Bible for advice. A good mate is from the Lord (Prov. 19:14) and you are looking to God the Master Timer for that–so good on you! Here’s a key many ignore: “Do not be unequally yoked to an unbeliever” (2 Cor. 6:14). That means don’t even seriously date such a one! The wisest principle I used to comply with all that was to go where the woman I would want would likely be. I went to my church’s 4-year college and dated widely all 4 years. At the end I began looking for “the one” in single-minded to not stay that way urgency! I went to my church socials worldwide. One promising relationship after another until each time the woman dumped me! But 15 years later God brought me the “one” for me–right away it was obvious to me, her and everybody we knew that it was right! We celebrate 29 years Nov. 12!!!! Like Garth Brook’s “The Answer to Unanswered Prayer,” most of the other women did not stay faithful to what I believe. In my case, it took the first woman in my life to want me. I don’t think you’ll have that problem!

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    1. Thank you for this awesome advice! And wow thank you for sharing your beautiful love story. Congratulations on 29 years! That’s really something to celebrate!! Hugs and love xox

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  15. Your smile is beautiful. I’m going to send this to my daughter, every girl should read this because it’s an honest and intelligent insight into what it means to value yourself, to know what you want and to be confident enough to walk away from what doesn’t fit in with your vision or values. Thanks for sharing and inspiring others to not settle.

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  16. WOW! it took forever for me to find the end of the comments- congratulations on so many comments- It’s always nice to get feedback. I enjoyed your post. I could probably be your mother or maybe even your grandmother, so I suppose I could offer advice, but I won’t. Blessings!

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  17. Right on track, keep going! I am sure GOD is seeing your sincere desire to serve and glorify HIM with your choice. And I firmly believe there is a man out there who is ordained by GOD to be your husband and you are ordained to be his wife and I pray that you will find each other soon. In JESUS’ name! AMEN.

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    1. thank you so much friend for your encouraging words. I definitely believe that there is a good man out there. God is totally in control. I just need to be patient! haha thank you for your prayers! means a lot! Hugs and love xox

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  18. Ah Caralyn…. sorry about your disappointing date. But I so support you in recognizing behaviour that isn’t consistent with your future spouse and in not dragging out the inevitable so that you ‘spare someone’s feelings’. There are Christians and then there are people who actually have a living relationship with Jesus and that makes a difference! Love and prayers for a more successful future date! ❤

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    1. Aw, thank you so much friend, yeah he definitely was not who I was looking for! You’re right – I’ve just got to be patient and wait on God’s timing!! Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement — means the world! Hugs and love xox

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  20. Your disappointment is justified. Your judgement is fine. Christian and hard drugs, and he’s not in “recovery” – no. And professionally irresponsible. F*** words bandied about carelessly. Something smells rotten. I can’t say I’d expect this strange combination in a Christian man – but hey, I’ve not been in the dating scene in the last 43 years!

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    1. Thank you Bill, I appreciate your encouraging words. Yeah, lots of red flags for sure. and thanks for 43 years! Hugs and love xox

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  22. I can understand exactly where you are coming from in the article. My grandmother always told me to never date anyone that I wouldn’t want to be married to–if you don’t want to be married to someone who smokes, drinks, or whatever, then don’t date anyone who does those things–because you never know who you will fall in love with if you are around them long enough.

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  24. Good for you, knowing your worth&sticking to your boundaries! I just started using dating apps myself&boy, I’m learning a lot too! Good luck! Hugs!💜

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  25. You’re a very smart Young Lady…Young Lady. I’m proud of you for your position. Just because others do STUPID activities doesn’t mean You have to follow suite. Keep your head up…Mr. Right is out there somewhere…”Hold’em Hook”!…..BG>

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  26. This guy is a SELF-ABSORBED LOSER!!!

    I’m sure I don’t have to tell you to stay as far away from him as possible because you were smart enough to see the red flags and have concern about them.

    You are worth better. You deserve better. Be patient. God has better for you. And you will be a prize to the man who is blessed to find you.

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  27. YAY!!! You are SOOOO wonderfully wise! You’re going to save Yourself SO much time because You know Your worth and exactly what You want. It took me and my friends such a long time to learn those lessons. We can sit around now over a glass of wine and laugh A LOT at our pasts and the red flags we ignored because of this, that or the other….but wow! I just smiled the whole way through this. You ROCK and Your guy is going to be amazing!!! Hugs, Cheers and Rock on!!!! 💖

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  28. Dating is definitely hard. I struggled a lot with wanting to be in control of my own future. God is in control and I just had to trust him. You will meet your soulmate one day. Trust that God will answer your prayers 🙂 I do suggest, to join a club or something like that, to meet more people.

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    1. Thanks for this great advice!! I’ll have to look into clubs in the city! Amen god is in control! Hugs and love xox

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  29. Hi, I like your post 🙂

    I met my husband online lol. Well, my second husband. He’s from Australia and I’m from the Philippines. We hit it off right from the first chat. It is destiny, I suppose.

    After five months of online relationship, he decided to pay me a visit. After two months, we got married. I am lucky (he is luckier :-)) because I found a man who loves and respects me.

    You my dear, is young, beautiful and smart. Never lose your high standards. I am proud f you!!!

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    1. Thanks so much for sharing your love story with me! So beautiful – gives me hope. Haha yes! He’s luckier for sure 🙂 hehe Hugs and love xox

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  30. Sister, you have so many things right. You are not “dating around”, but looking for the man God has for you. You understand your value, though I think you still have a self-esteem view rather than a godly view. You see, you are of value because you are made in the image of God and because you are bought by the precious blood of Jesus, and because you are seeking to glorify God in all that you do. I know there was probably much advice in the comments, and perhaps you don’t want mine, but I care enough about you to give it anyway. 1) Fall on your face and pray about God bringing the man He wants for you to you. 2) Quit going to bars. Go meet guys at church. Yes, there are losers there, too, but ask God to bring a godly husband and father and place him right in front of you. May God bless your waiting on Him.

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    1. Thank you so much friend for this encouragement. Yes! We all are!! And thanks for this awesome advice! Noted! Hugs and love xox

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  31. Lovely piece, Beautifully written.

    On another note 📝… Congratulations!!!💜💜💜
    I have nominated for a Sunshine Blogger Award.

    Check out the link on my Blog.

    InHisCare 🙏
    Yonnie💜

    Like

  32. I’m currently single, but I’ve met my last significant other through a hobby in common (online collaborative writing) and friends we both had in common, so we already knew we had common ground. There was also a similar background (raised Christian) and high values and standards. As long as you know what you want and what you don’t, you’ll do just fine! 🙂

    Many blessings your way!

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    1. Hey Jay, thanks for sharing your experience! That’s a great idea on where to meet!! So glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox

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  34. Better he shows them on the first date than pretends and brings them out 2 months down the line. Kudos to him for being all of his true self too. Praying he finds his way HOME.

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