The Trap of Indecision

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I’ve been sitting in the airport now for over six hours with a delayed flight. 

Luckily, I’m with my best friend – we’re on the same flight back to Ohio from NYC. But needless to say, we’ve been going a little stir crazy. 

But despite all the delays, crying children, and frustrating lack of information, one thing’s for sure: we are both so excited to be going home. 

Which, as I reflect on that now, I fully appreciate that that mindset has not always been the case. 

Home has not always been a joyful place for me. 

In fact, it has more often than not, been a source of deep sorrow and regret. Painful reminders of that season of anorexia, coupled with an inescapable shadow that followed me around, of the life I once loved – and the life I threw away and chose to destroy through an eating disorder that nearly took my life. 

And as though places and objects were painful enough, people, too, seem incapable of letting go of that broken, sick girl I was before. And unable to embrace the young woman I am today, healthy and whole – in every sense of the word. 

And I think if I’m really honest, I’ve spent the majority of my life running from that. Chasing dreams. Chasing adventure. Trying to reinvent the person I had lost during my anorexia. And though I have come close, I am unable to replicate that joyful, unburdened existence of before — where my heart was free, spirit on fire, and my soul loved and cherished by a family that loved and supported me through my highest highs and lowest lows. 

But I think I’ve let that aversion and pain I’ve associated with home, keep me from even imagining what a life there could look like.  I was allowing those negative thoughts and memories and judgements drive a wedge in my heart, which I realize now, is letting the eating disorder win, yet again. 

This year, I’ve been more excited than ever to be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. And I don’t know about you, but it seems like the entire fall has absolutely flown by. Maybe because I’m growing up, or maybe because my heart — like my time — is split in two, between NYC and Ohio. 

Living in two places has, given me such a unique perspective. And I’m not talking about  my mastery of the security line, or affinity for essentials-only light packing skills, 

I have been living from a place of gratitude.

Since my mom’s stroke, I’ve really had a whole new outlook. That night at the hospital, praying with every fiber of my being that my mom make it through the night, left me with a raw, black and white view of what truly matters in this life. The rose colored glasses that I had grown accustomed to in my cushy early twenties were, in that moment, ripped off, and I was left with unfiltered, unedited life. 

In that moment, things changed. If it didn’t matter, it didn’t matter. 

Parties, the perfect outfit, the social media following, the opinion of others — they just don’t matter. 

People matter. Time together with loved ones matter. Laughter, intimate conversations, sharing hearts, sharing joys — that matters. And you do what you have to do to keep that a priority…even if it means flying place to place every few weeks. 

But whether I’m in Ohio or NYC, when I am there, I am there. 

I say yes. I go the extra mile. I stay out late. I rearrange schedules. I show up for the people that matter to me. Because that’s what life is all about. 

You’re not going to remember witty banter on social media, or what emojis were used to express emotions in a group chat — you’re going to remember time. Smiles. Experiences. How you felt in the moment. 

That is what I am grateful for this Thanksgiving. That time. The people I share it with. The joys and memories we have together. 

But to be honest, I’ve never felt more torn in my life. Though I appreciate having a job that takes me back home to Ohio so often, and another job that allows me to work from anywhere, the truth is, I know I cannot sustain this lifestyle forever, not at least, if I want to get married and settle down. 

But my heart is torn in two places. Home, with my family – and the joyful day to day moments that I deeply yearn to be a part of. And in NYC with my very best friends – who have been by my side in life since we were wee little tikes, in the life that I have built over the last eight years. 

But I fear I’m beginning to open up a can of worms that I am frankly afraid to confront. I don’t want to face the inevitable of future plans, or the closing of a chapter. 

And as I sit here writing this, I am absolutely verklempt, and here I am sitting in my airplane seat crying, just like the kid kicking my seat behind me. 

Maybe that’s why time is flying: because I’m trying with all my might to ignore the inevitable. To not face the music, and as a result, it’s slipping faster and faster through my fingers. 

Indecision is still a decision. As much as I hate to admit that to myself. Ignoring the elephant in the room doesn’t make it any less big or any less smelly.

I’m a woman with two countries. And cannot fathom making a decision between the two. 

Time is the most valuable asset we have. And, as grateful as I am for this time I have with both sets of family in both “homes” I have been blessed with, I appreciate that at some point, I am going to open up that can of worms and confront the rapidly changing calendar months.

This post, like my heart, is unresolved. Other than the realization that God knows what He is doing. God is allowing me this time in NYC, to be filled with something only He knows I need. And for that, I am so grateful. 

But I’d love to know – how you’ve resolved a torn existence? How do you discern where God is calling you in life? Because when the time comes for me to either shovel elephant poop, or put him in his pen, I’m gong to need some advice. 

So thank you , and I hope you have a blessed and happy thanksgiving. 

Sign up below for my free newsletter!
Get my daily videos, recipes and posts delivered straight to your inbox!

[mc4wp_form id=”30616″]

Here’s this morning’s video!

A big thank you to my foundational sponsor, BetterHelp Online Therapy. I cannot begin to express how beneficial therapy was for my recovery from anorexia.  Speak with an online therapist. Or check out content about eating disorders from BetterHelp.

MAGIC TOOTHPASTE? Yes! I am in love with this superior whitening toothpaste. It keeps my smile sparkling, without sensitivity or bleach! I made a website where you can directly order this miracle product! So if you want to give it a try, you can go ahead and grab a tube for yourself. I promise, your smile will thank you! Just click here!

And if you want to learn more about this incredible (and FUN!!) business opportunity, I have ONE MORE SPOT this week to personally mentour someone! It’s absolutely free to sign up! 🙂 Just leave me a comment! 

Have you seen my latest FabFitFun video? Because…you should watch it. It’s pretty funny. And then order yourself a box with my code FALLINLOVE for $10 off! 😉

hqdefault

Be sure to check out my affiliate, Audible. Listening to audiobooks while I cook is literally my new favorite thing. And just for you, they’re offering a Free 30-Day Trial Membership. And with this free membership, you’re going to get 2 free audiobooks! Literally. Free. It is the best deal ever. And if for some reason, you decide it’s not for you, you can cancel within those 30 days and it’s zero money out of your pocket, plus, you get to keep the 2 audiobooks. Soooo…it’s pretty much a no brainer. Plus, it’s a free and easy way to support this blog! So thank you!! 

***THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS ORDERED MY BOOKS, BLOOM: A JOURNAL BY BEAUTYBEYONDBONES AND “MY BLOGGING TIPS“***

CLICK HERE TO ORDER YOUR COPY!

img_5109________________________________________________________________
STAY CONNECTED!

@beauty.beyond.bones – Instagram

Facebook

Twitter

YouTube

Next time you’re shopping on Amazon, be sure to stop by my link, amazon.com/shop/beautybeyondbones first! Doing so is absolutely FREE for you, and a great way to support this blog! (When you stop by my link first, whatever you get on Amazon will give this blog a little kickback :))

patreon

For Podcast versions of my posts, please check out Patreon! It’s only $2 a month!! You make this blog possible 🙂

***NEW!! For outfit details, you can check out my LIKE.TO.KNOW.IT page or follow me in the Liketoknow.it App!

IMG_1288And really quickly, I’ve had several questions concerning my Amazon link (amazon.com/shop/beautybeyondbones) — You do not need to buy one of my specific highlighted products on my page, in order for it to “credit” my account. Any purchases that you search or make from anywhere on Amazon, after first visiting my Amazon page, will credit this blog and help support this blog ministry. I am truly so grateful and appreciative to those of you wanting to do so! So thank you! Again, it is an absolutely free, and easy way for you to help keep this blog going!

Published by

Unknown's avatar

beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

213 thoughts on “The Trap of Indecision”

  3. Now I’m VERKLEMPT! (1st use of the word, after all, I just learned it. Thanks.)

    On one particular day I think Robert Frost mentioned he took the road less traveled. . .

    Caralyn, I know God is watching over you and you will do well with any path you choose. 🙂

    Marriage is something you have to want. It is a model of God’s love for us humans and a commitment to another person, and both of you will be sharing your dreams, abilities, and shortcomings. It’s life. (Not that the single’s life is not life, because it certainly is.) It’s a big change. To be part of something that is bigger than one’s self, yet, you are still yourself even though you take on this new identity with “two becoming as one.”

     About the age of 29, when eating out with a good friend, a truly great soul, an older "Comrade in the Lord" whom we will call Mr. H.  I inquired of him to relate the good aspects of marriage to me.  Did I call him Mr. H?  Let's say Dr. H since it is the truth and he was very knowledgable with people and God — he was a minister, after all, with a TON-and-a-HALF of experience.  He was adept with counseling people.  Anyway we were enjoying our food while progressing through the list: companionship, helper, two incomes to support the household etc.; food and conversation going very nicely as we enjoyed the surroundings: the room was one of several at this eatery and was about small enough to be cosy: other patrons were far enough away that a private conversation would go nicely without too many nearby eardrums vibrations from the sound waves from our voices.  The food was good, by the way.
 Did I mention Dr. H was a minister before there were PA systems?  Well, allow me to throw this into the mix.  Back then you had to have a booming voice since Mr Electricity was not in the business of magnifying the human voice (minister or not).  Anyway, the food was excellent.  We were making our way down, drawing to # 7 in "the list".  You know some voices just naturally boom out. . .  Maybe our conversation wasn't so private. ?  Good food!
 Just happened that # 7 was the three-letter-word beginning with the letter "s".
 I think all the patrons in the room seemed to react a bit as the word came out; it was an interesting moment.  The food was still amazing!

    Thanks for “listening,” I only wanted to say that marriage, and the journey to it, can be surprising at times. -Jeff

    Like

  6. Thank you for your post. And as for making momentous decisions: I wouldn’t overthink it. You’re living a good life – your love and your faith in both God and others (I believe) will allow you to transition seemlessly along your life journey. Happy Thanksgiving!

    Like

  8. You write beyond anything like I ever could. I write better than I talk most of the time, but can’t ever seem to express myself like you can. You are awesome. Remember, no matter what, things always resolve themselves & sometimes change just happens without us even noticing it at first. Try not to worry or think about it much…because time DOES go by way too fast & there are better things to be thinking about & doing. I really should take my own advice sometimes.:) HappyThanksgiving!

    Like

  9. I couldn’t decide which was the right decision for me, so I chose to do what would make the people I loved happy. It was rough, but I made a decision and went with it, and let go of everything else that might have been. It felt like ripping an arm off, but eventually it healed and I ended up happier and freer.

    But be wary of thinking you’ve ever really said goodbye to anything finally. Things have a way of coming round again just when you think you’ve said goodbye to them for good. I thought I was out of the Army four years ago. But here I am deployed again. C’est la vie.

    Like

    1. Thanks for sharing that, Ryan. I’m so glad that it all worked out. and thank you so much for your service to our country! praying for oyu! big hugs xo

      Like

  11. Its amazing how to some time is an asset. To me its literally my worst enemy. Especially time on my own. It gives me time to dwell on things. To wallow in pity. And it gives my inner demons the opportunity to take hold of me and crush my resistance. Add indecisiveness to the mix and I become a mess.

    Like

    1. Thanks for sharing that, friend. Time is definitely a tricky thing for sure. We all have a relationship with it! hugs xo

      Like

  12. Yes I’ve been in that valley of decision long ago. My parents were wonderful people respected in the community in spite of my Dad being in local government politics. I say that because few in the political family are worth respect. My Mom was a religions woman but my Dad had been let down by religious people and was aloof. I chose my Dad’s way worked hard in a CPA firm and partied. My Mom said you can’t burn the candle at both ends but I felt I was bullet proof. But the hard work and partying catches up with you and I found myself in a low spot to the point where I felt an evil presence had me on the hit list. It was probably lifestyle that put me in that place but it was very real and I was so scared I did something quite out of character. I got down on my knees and this was the gist of my prayer. I said God I don’t know if you are real but if you are and you want me you are going to have to take me against my will and put me where you want me because I love what I’m doing. To my shock the answer came next day. I was recalled to head office and put on notice because of a dispute with a fellow worker who’d wormed his way into the owners affection. Then my girlfriend of several years called it off. So I sold my things, went to college to get away from the environment I was in and told God He’d given me a very strong sign He’d heard that prayer so He should lead me forward. And he did. I can look back on a very productive life and travel around the world for work over forty years. But in that moment of indecision when everything fell apart I know God led me to make the right decision thus prompting my success. When God impresses you the way He want you to go. Don’t think about it. Just up and go where He tells you to offer your life service. Like me, you’ll be able to look back over your life and be thankful for His leading.

    Like

    1. Hi Ian, thank you so much for sharing your story. Wow – God really does show up, doesn’t he? I’m so glad you were able to hear His voice. i appreciate the advice. hugs

      Like

  13. This post was beautiful, moving and heartfelt. I really identified with yoor turmoil-torn between two places. I am in a similar situation myself. However right now I feel I am where I need to be and if God intends for me to return home, the door will open wide.

    Like

  14. There’s something beautiful about ‘the process’ of blooming. A period of indecision is exactly that — blooming. It’s a transition period where you have to completely trust God for the UNKNOWN. Sometimes, it’s painful, because you will wish there was an easier way. The only time it gets more exciting is when you start to see His plans unfolding in your life. It’s all part of the process, like the life cycle of a butterfly.

    Your blog — your transparency — is so refreshing. YOU are a beautiful soul. Thanks for always sharing. Whenever I am chanced to read, I am blessed by your words. Hope you had a lovely Thanksgiving with family in Ohio.

    Like

    1. Thank you Jennifer for this beautiful response. You’re so right – just like a butterfly. I really appreciate your kind and encouraging words. Hope you had a great thanksgiving too! Hugs and love xox

      Like

  15. Follow God’s lead and you will know what to do. Trust that He will guide you and if you do that, there’s no need to worry. If any decision is made through Him it is the right one no matter what it is. Blessings to you.

    Like

    1. Thank you so much Corrie 🙂 that is such important advice: following His lead. I really needed to hear this today. Thanks dear friend. Hope you’re doing well! Hugs and love xox

      Like

  16. You are absolutely amazing ❤ i have never related more to a post before. Home for me to is assosicated with bad memories and flashbacks to the years a spent devoting to my E.D. Now im trying to work on rewriting what going back home means to me and this post helped alot.
    Thank you for sharing

    Like

    1. Oh my gosh that’s so kind of you to say. My heart absolutely goes out to you, friend. That is a difficult process for sure, but one that is so worth it and leads to so much freedom. Praying for you. You can rewrite your story. J believe in you 🙂 Hugs and love xox

      Like

  21. Personally, I work to stay connected to Jesus continually. In prayer, his Word, and through worship. “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.” John 15:4 Discerning the Father’s heart and will is not possible without abiding. Love the post! May God bless you and your family this Christmas and New Year 🙂

    Like

  22. I’m super indecisive too! Specially when both options would be good options. I’d suggest the following: first, pray to the Holy Spirit to give you the gift of discernment. Then write down the two options and make a list of pros and cons… no restrictions, everything that comes to your mind! Then, choose the arguments for both sides that are more important to you. Look at the option that seems better according to those. Does choosing it give you peace?? Even if you’re scared, if it’s not comfortable… it should feel right deep down. If not, look at the other one and repeat.

    It’s worth mentioning that after the initial consolation might come almost immediately a desolation, but that shouldn’t make you second guess your first reaction, because that comes from God, whereas the second feeling might be caused by your own fear or confusion, or even by the devil.

    In order to make the decision easier, you can also talk about it with people you trust and respect. And I specially recommend talking to a spiritual director if you have one. Discernment is not just for vocations!

    I wish you the best in your journey.

    Like

  25. I love that we can be fully honest with God. We can tell him our fears and surrender them for him to take. We can share with him our desires and if they are good he sustains them. If they are bad he takes them away as we surrender. Galatians 5 gave me such freedom in pursuing surrendered desires. It’s a helpful starting place.

    Like

  26. How I discern it? By the help of His Holy Sport through dreams, visions and signs. He is the revealer of his secrets. My advice to you is that you pray to Him about it. Ask the Holy Spirit to increase discernment and give you directions leading to the call of Christ on your life. Fast about it as well. Through fasting A LOT of answers are revealed and tarry in His presence and hear what He’s saying to you . Obey the instructions he’s giving to you. May your spiritual vision become clear to see where he’s taking you.
    Blessings! 🙂

    Like

  28. As you say ‘indecision is a decision’. I don’t think you need to make a decision right now as we’re still young and in the ‘trying out all different places’ stage. I’m very indecisive too and I think it’s because I get so worked up thinking that one is the right decision and one is the wrong decision. When in reality, both paths are full of adventure and excitement! You’ll know when the right time to make a decision is for you and you can follow your heart.

    Like

  29. What do you want for your future? Do you have dreams – or, better yet, a calling? Are you called to married life and children? Where do you want that to be? You’re trying to solve a quandary of the present (which, obviously, is where you are. But you can’t move forward through the present, if you don’t have your eyes fixed clearly on the future. The 3 Magi followed the Star to future Redemption of mankind. The Glorious Mysteries give us the Ascension (Hope for the latter) and the Assumption (the way to it through modeling our pattern [Mary’s perfection, submission, obedience, unity with her Son’s suffering/death/Resurrection]) and Coronation (final grace of perseverance). You seem like the kind of faithful woman who wants to be married and to raise children – such beauty and joy. If it were me, I’d MUCH rather do that in a place like Ohio than NYC! Trees, rivers, hills, lower crime, wholesomeness, slower pace, a culture that more fosters family than trying at every turn to tear it down… I mean, yeah, NYC’s amazing and offers so much… but stimulation and cultural developments and career and worldly pursuits only get you so far (but, then holiness is everywhere…). My two cents, pick Ohio – or Alabama or Arkansas or Virginia… I think you know what you want and where God wants you. But you have to sacrifice much to get there. ❤️

    Like

    1. Thank you friend for your wonderful insight and response. So much great food for thought here. Love it. You’re right – they only get you so far. Hugs and love xox

      Like

  31. First I want to thank you for your honesty and sharing such personal truths with us all. Rest assured your journey always helps somebody else. You are being the person that you needed once upon a time. You are beautiful inside and out, don’t ever forget that. My advice is to follow your heart, believe in yourself, spend time with loved ones and just do what you can do. We can’t be there for someone else, unless we take care of ourself first and foremost. We have all been somewhere that we wished we hadn’t but it is the lesson that we learned which is most important. I really enjoyed reading your blog and promise to follow your journey. I think you might enjoy reading this blog of mine about appreciating yourself for who you are, something we all need to do more of. Thank you again for sharing.

    12 Ways to Learn How to Love Your True Self

    Like

  33. I understand being torn with indecision! As I have grown older (and I hope wiser in God’s wisdom) I have come to realize that God’s plan is perfect. If I am confused, wait upon Him and He will make His path clear. When the time for decision comes, you will know it and you will know which path to take, when you listen for His voice. Like the Israelites in the wilderness, wait for God to move, then follow. (PS – I know this is an older post, but still relevant)

    Like

    1. thanks so much Ted for sharing your widsom! You’re right – His plan is perfect, worth the wait, and will be made clear!! thanks for this wonderful encouragemetn! hugs xox

      Like

Leave a reply to Chris Broniak Cancel reply