Seeing Gold

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Wow, what a conference. We’re driving home right now and my goodness, my heart is so full, it feels like it could absolutely burst.

Leah Darrow!

If you’ve been following along my adventure at the FOCUS conference (#SEEK2019) on Instagram (@beauty.beyond.bones), then you are up to date on all the phenomenal talks and concerts from these past several days.

NEEDTOBREATHE concert

From Father Mike Schmitz to Leah Darrow to Adoration to NEEDTOBREATHE and Matt Maher – it was truly life changing.

Photo: @focuscatholic Instagram

Something happened over the conference.

As you know, this blog has been anonymous for the 4 years it’s been in existence. But I think if I’m honest, one of the main reasons for that anonymity, I believes stems from pride. I’m too prideful to admit that I suffered with anorexia in high school. That is a gross and ugly truth to admit, but here I am, folks.

Well, I found myself, this weekend, sharing with people about my blog. Not just as a vanilla “Christian blog” – but by actually naming it: BeautyBeyondBones. Sharing the actual blog. The topic. Letting people in. And it felt amazing.

I just felt the Lord move in my heart that what I went through – the anorexia in my past – it is nothing to be ashamed of anymore. It doesn’t mar me or define me, or make me any less of a person. But in fact, it is the precise way that God has reached me, and rescued me. It was the access point for His grace. And my healthy body, and reclamation of my life actually is a living, breathing, and interactive example of the grace, and mercy and glory of God that He generously poured out over me.

I have always “known” that – but this time, it actually hit. Sunk in, deep to my core.

I felt that stigma that I had carried, burdened in my heart that it made me a defective person – I felt that melt away this weekend. Jesus replaced that fear in my heart with a boldness. And I’m really excited about it.

Because the truth is, God does not allow you to go through something that He’s not going to use. He is going take every brokenness, every hurt, every wound – and use it to help shape you and I into the people He created us to be: fully alive.

And not only that, but as brothers and sisters in Christ, we are to run together towards Heaven. And if what I went through can help someone else in their journey, then praise be to God. Because that’s what being a family is all about – sharing our healed wounds, and the power of Jesus with one another, and building up the body of Christ.

There is a beautiful tradition in Japanese ancient art, called Kintsugi, that dates back to the 15th century. And it translates to “golden joinery.”

This revered art form takes broken pottery, and mends it back together with gold. These exquisite repaired bowls and dishes actually highlight and emphasize the breaks, rather than hide them. And in fact, they’re regarded as more beautiful than before. They’re prized precisely because they were broken and masterfully mended.

Photo: LifeGate

I cannot change the fact that I had anorexia. But is part of my history that God has used to give me the heart and the spirit I have today. My healing reveals the glory of God, so why should I hide that away?

I should be shouting it from the rooftops! Because God is good – He is so so good, and I owe Him my life. Why not share that.

I am that Kintsugi pottery – broken, yet beautifully restored by a skilled and gentle Artist that doesn’t discount my worth, but rather sees me as valued all the more. Not because of anything I did, but rather, because of His healing in me.

There is nothing we give to the Father that He cannot mend and repair into a beautiful, worthy work of art.

He sees those fractures and chips not as something to hide, but rather, something to illuminate. Because they reveal His grace, mercy and love.

So let me walk up to you, look you in the eye, and share with you exactly what I write about. Because it sets my spirit on fire. Because God rescued me from the depths, and He sure as heck will for you, too.

Never be ashamed of your story. You are beautiful. And worthy. And worthy of being known. Just as you are.


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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

219 thoughts on “Seeing Gold”

    1. Oh my goodness Mary, thank you so much. I cannot begin to express how much that means to me. God bless you friend!! Hugs and love xox

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    1. Thank you so much Jim – it was a phenomenal experience. Highly recommend! ANd it’s not just for college kids! It’s open to all! 🙂 hugs xo

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  6. Beautiful. I love the tradition of Kintsugi too. My son has autism, and his day centre is teaching young people with disabilities the art of Kintsugi – restoring broken china to become beautiful works of art. Too often people with disabilities are seen to be of less value, but God sees them in just the same way as he sees us – as beautiful, restored works of art. All the best for 2019.

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    1. Hi Karen! Oh thank you so much 🙂 It is such a special form of art – I love the meaning behind it. And thank you for sharing that. What a powerful lesson he’s learning. You’re so right – beautiful, restored works of art!! amen!! hugs xox

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    1. Hi Ricardo, gosh thank you so much! I am humbled by your generous words! I would actually love to speak, but only God knows the plans He has!! Gods hands! Thank you for the encouragement! It seriously means a lot! Hugs and love xox

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  10. hi carolyn,

    you really never fails to inspire me with your sharing.
    indeed! the gifts of the holy spirit has been distributed to all. and thanks be to GOd, you are one of the many few who responds graciously and generously to the call of preaching ministry.

    continue to be God’s inspiration to others.
    be His apostle in this 21st century world.

    all blessings and all good things for you.
    God bless you.

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    1. Hi Ofelia! Oh my goodness thank you so much for your generous words. That’s so true! The Holy Spirit lives in all our hearts! I am humbled by your kindness. Thanks for the encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  11. What an empowering realization! Christ sees every detail of every person and loves us perfectly, with all of our imperfections and scars. When we can love ourselves and others the way He loves us, then we have really achieved something of eternal worth.

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    1. Gosh thank you so much Rebecca!! I love that – yes He does! Thank you for sharing that powerful truth! Hugs and love xox

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    1. Gosh thank you Sandman. Wow – I am humbled by your affirming words. I would absolutely love to have the opportunity to speak and share God’s love. God’s hands! Thanks for the encouragement! Hugs and love xox

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  14. Your entry reminds me of an idea that was shared with me while i was discerning conversion: The challenges we face are challenges God sends us, because we are exactly the people he wants to face the challenge. No one else can face my challenges the way I do. No one else can face your challenges the way you do. God sends them not just for anybody, for US. They make us who we are. They lead us to holiness.

    Thank you for a thoughtful post. AMDG

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    1. Hi Scoot, thank you so much for sharing this powerful reflection. So true – lead is to holiness. I LOVE that. Hugs and love xox

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    1. Hi Emily! Wow I am so touched by this. Thank you, dear friend. You’re so right – it sets us free! Hugs and love xox

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  17. Caralyn, I could just cry with joy to finally hear you make that break with the insecurities of your past! I have no other words for you tonight. Allow my moist eyes to say everything that needs to be said.

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    1. Oh my gosh thank you Jeff. You have been such a encourager and source of positivity and gusto! My gratitude to you and for you is truly to the moon 🙂 thank you, my dear dear friend 🙂 passing you a box of Kleenex 💛 hope you have a great week xox

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  18. What is a pastor, but I shepherd, a guide. You walk lead, sometimes by walking alongside. You take the scripture, interpret it and make it accessible to people by affirming and reaffirming timeless truths….You can use your own example, in fact, that can sometimes make the message resonate more deeply. A pastor I once knew taught me that the cross has two elements, the vertical: the relationship between man and God and the horizontal: the relationship between man and man. Seems to me you have both in progress and you are really good at the second. If there is one thing we need more of its the horizontal interaction of the cross. With the overemphasis on the self, we’ve all but lost it, and we are in danger of losing the vertical piece too. I think you manage the bridge of these two elements and that is the key. May the Lord continue to guide your steps and protect your path….

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    1. Oh my gosh – this honestly got me choked up. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love that image of the cross – you’re so right – our relationship with others is just as important. We’re on a mission to get one another to heaven and strengthen each other in our walks with Christ. Thank you for this powerful encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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      1. One last point go on a pastor friend, different one, taught me something that you may find helpful as you go forward: “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” I’m not saying that for any particular reason, except that it occurred to me, and I thought you might find it useful sometime in the future. As I remember the story, my pastor friend was preaching and trying to figure out a way to reach some kids who were playing basketball. The best way to reach them, he discovered was to meet them on the basketball court first. Have a good night.

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    1. I love that verse so much. Thank you Noel for sharing it with me. I whole heartedly agree with you on that one! Hugs and love xox

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  20. Honestly wow! I have been feeling something similar this weekend some really deep deep (personal) stuff has been coming out in the open which I won’t mention here but would talk to you about

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    1. Thank you Benny. I’m glad you’ve been releasing those parts of your heart. I pray you’re experiencing the freedom of being fully known!! 🙂 you’re worth it dear friend 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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      1. My resolution one of them at least has been to be more kind to myself and let the lord do his work I have a long way to go yet, but quoting your inspirational (my favourite) “the road is long but look how far you’ve come”. I’ve started reading Psalms my goodness how powerful it’s been and only 10% through

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      2. I love that resolution! I’m so happy for you Benny!!! That brings my heart so much joy to hear! God is good!! and so are you 🙂 xox

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  21. Real beauty is in your soul and shines outward to light up those who are fortunate enough to experience the real truth!

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    1. Gosh, thank you my dear friend. I always appreciate the little nudges of encouragement from you! big big hugs xox

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    1. Hey Spencer, aw shucks…thanks! 🙂 means a lot that you would stop by and read my blog! hope you’re having a great week 🙂 hugs xo

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  25. Beautiful words Caralyn! Your life-changing experience reminds me of one of my favorite verses of all time, Ezekiel 36:26, which tells us that God will take out our old, stony, cold heart and give us a new one, one that is a heart of flesh. This verse was so powerful to me when I finally laid down the burden and guilt of my past life and walked free unafraid of people finding out who I really was. I felt this verse was God telling me that I finally was ready to live free in Him and so He was taking my old, broken, heart of stone out and replacing it with a beautiful new, warm, feeling, fleshy heart that was ready to live and love in Him completely. Which meant completely loving MYSELF – ALL stages of me. It was staggering for me to realize this! I hope with your life-changing experience and new transparency, you will feel staggered and free with your new fleshy heart too! Love you girl, thanks for sharing ❤

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    1. Hi there Mindy! Gosh, what a kind response! Thank you so much! YES!! I SO love that verse in Ezekiel! Isn’t the bible amazing how it gives us exactly what we need to hear? Oh that is so awesome. I’m so glad you’ve embraced that freedom! ALL stages of us! AMEN! gosh this was so encouraging to read! thank you!!! big big hugs xo

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    1. Hi there Tonya!!! oh gosh, you are just the sweetest, thank you my dear friend for always giving me a little nudge of encouragement and positivity! you’re a blessing to me! have a beautiful week! hugs xo

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      1. You too, sweet friend. Thank you for always posting encouraging blogs. They always make my heart lighter and give me hope for the future generation. So beautiful!😄❤

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    1. Thank you so much! Yes, He really does! that’s the best part of the body of Christ – we can share with one another His working in our lives and our joys! Thank you for sharing in the joy with me 🙂 you’re a great friend! hugs xo

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  29. Congratulations Caralyn on breaking free from doubt. You’re HIS child and HE wants the very best for you! Many times the only things that stands in our way is “ourselves”. Thanks for being an inspiration. 🙂

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    1. Thank you Eric. Gosh I love that – you’ve written so much encouragement here! You’re right – we’ve gotta move out of own way!! So glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox

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  32. So, so beautiful, Caralyn. You’re an amazing woman and continue to inspire me. Keep being YOU! You’re a radiant light with so much to offer to all of God’s broken people…

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    1. Hi Mary, oh wow you’re so kind. I am incredibly touched by this. Thank you. Praise God that He is the master mender of hearts! We are in good and capable hands! Hugs and love xox

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  35. Touching the pain is touching one’s own soul, a remedy to become aware of ouselves,
    our Selves to bing us consciousness. Without the night we cannot appreciate the day and once a day may come when day and night are united.

    God knows our heart and knows the way how to connect us with Him.

    Thanks for sharing, my dear friend
    From heart to heart
    Didi

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    1. Thank you this beautiful affirmation didi. You’re so right about that- we need the night to appreciate the day. Amen! Thanks so much for all your encouraging reflections. Hugs and love xox

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  36. Such a beautiful, inspiring post. Love it! Suffering changes us, but can with grace indeed make us more beautiful, unique and real. Thanks for being brave enough to be yourself! Xoxo

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  37. An ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL message Caralyn! While I was reading this message the Lord led me to Isaiah 61:3 reminding me that “He gives us beauty for ashes.” Those ashes are symbolic of those old painful times and places in our lives that are consumed by His fire, that are no longer a part of our new spiritual identity. Here we recognize that we indeed are and have become those beautiful creatures that He’s fashioned us to be.

    Much like a potter, who carefully and meticulously shapes and molds a piece of clay into a masterpiece. “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them…Ephesians 6:10

    Soooo as far as “kintsugi”, I love the way God sends and gives us little nudges from the most unexpected places. Shortly before Christmas, while running a few errands, I stopped by a pottery studio where my daughter had been taking classes. Her instructor gave her a pottery wheel for Christmas, so I dropped by to pick it up. While there I noticed a piece of artwork that I could tell had cracked in the kiln, but had also been repaired. At this moment, I learned about this Japanese technique of repairing broken or cracked art, which suggests that it’s NOT something to hide but to share.

    So grateful for your God-given ability to share your past, because God will truly use it to help others find healing in Christ Jesus. I’m reminded of Jesus who revealed His scars to doubting Thomas and the impact that it had on his faith and walk with the Lord. We never know how God will use us. Thanks for the message and for the nugget that encourages me to keep trusting, believing, and following God!

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    1. Oh my goodness thank you so much! Ah Isaiah 61:3 I love that verse- thank you for sharing that. You’re so right! He is always giving us those little nudges. He is a good Father. Thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement! Hugs and love xox

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  38. What a beautiful realization! I’ve been thinking about this recently – how the Lord uses the broken, terrible parts in our lives, including our own mistakes and rebellions, to bring us to Him and make us glorious. If we let Him!

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  39. Thank you for visiting liking my blog. I’m so glad you did because it led me to following yours! You shine light through each of your stories. It is so encouraging to see what beauty God brings through the ashes of our deepest struggles. Keep writing!

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    1. Thank you Katherine! Oh that’s so kind of you to say. Amen – He makes beauty from ashes! Hugs and love xox

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  41. Thank you so much for writing this. I’m still really struggling with my mental health issues but this post and what you wrote gives me hope that one day everything will all be okay. Thank you doll!

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    1. Thank you so much, dear friend. I’m so glad this resonated with you. Amen – it will ABSOLUTELY be okay. Praying for you!! Hugs and love xox

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  43. Thank you for your courage in sharing about your anorexia. I worked in our regional eating disorder unit as a support person for about a year when we returned to Wellington. I saw first hand just how cruel and destructive eating disorders are. I pray that your message will help others to find healing.

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    1. Thank you friend. Oh wow what important work that was. Thank you for that time you spent there and for your prayers! Hugs and love xox

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  46. I’m so glad you had such a powerful experience at the conference!

    Conferences like these remind me of the district youth retreats that I attended in middle school and high school. They were typically several hours away, and every one was a “mountain top experience,” where your focus that weekend was fully on God, your youth group, and people that you meet. It was something I always looked forward to during the school year!

    Someone mentioned it already, but Jeremiah 29:11 is my all-time favorite verse. Hugs and blessings!

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    1. Hi Laura Beth! Yes! They’re definitely mountain top experiences. The challenge is to sustain that feeling when you leave the bubble! So glad you know that feeling too! Ah I love that one as well. So glad you stopped by! Big big hugs xox

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      2. Gosh thank you Laura. Just trying to follow where He leads!! Have a beautiful Tuesday! Hugs and love xox

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  49. Reading this post this morning filled me with so much joy. I could tell in the words you typed that you felt His spirit within you and that you are doing His good work. May God continue to bless you!

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    1. Thank you so much Todd! I’m so glad it filled you with Joy! Praise God! Amen – they were His words, not mine!! 🙂 so glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox

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