Heartbreak Hindsight

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Heartbreak. It sucks. We’ve all felt it. Taylor Swift has even managed to make a career off of it. But it is a right of passage that will chew you up, spit you out, and leave you in a world of hurt.

This past Thursday, I found myself in the back of a cab absolutely bawling my eyes out. We’re talking, mascara down the cheeks, chest shaking sobs, and full-body sniffles that made my driver incredibly uncomfortable. And to be 100% honest, the degree of my feelings caught me inconceivably off guard.

Believe it or not, for as irresponsibly open I am about a lot of things on this blog, there are a few things that I keep close to my chest. But first let me just preface – this post has a purpose other than sharing a gratuitously emotional story time, I promise. So just stick with me — it has a point.

To set the scene: there is a gentleman…”Australian Boy” from a previous post. Well, things have been…complicated. They were super on for a while, and then when I told him I would never move to Australia, as you can imagine, things became really muddled, and we took some time to figure out where to go from here.

Well, enter Thursday, I hear from Mr. Australia, that he wants to meet for a drink. Well, my heart, of course, flutters, as in our time apart, I had felt my soul soften to ideas about the future that I had never before considered. So I show up ready to possibly rekindle what was a truly special connection.

I certainly did not expect to learn that the purpose of the date was to inform me that he was moving back to Australia. For good.

And in that moment, it was as though I switched into acting mode. I switched off my “emotion valve,” put on a happy-for-you mask, and went into default mode of: guarding my heart with Fort Knox.

Me, walls up

I brushed it off. I swallowed hard the lump that was forming in my throat, and instead I played the “cool girl” card with a brave face. The entire time, in my head thinking, “Care, you cannot be the girl that cries. You cannot let him see you hurting.”

Ugh, it was just awful. AWFUL. I left that night, having not expressed how sad I was to see him go, or sharing how much our relationship had meant. He clearly was trying to get that out of me, sharing his heart – but in that moment I was trying to be the person I thought I was supposed to be: cool, aloof, and unfazed.

As soon as I got into the privacy of a cab – the waterworks started flowing, and they came hard.

And so, like any millennial, I called my parents — they’re the best listeners, and always know just what to say to calm my spirit.

My dad said something really profound to me, (which, if you’ve read this far, thank you – you’ve made it – this is the point of this whole post), that I knew I had to share. Because it was such a truth bomb, that it really made me reconsider absolutely everything.

He said, “Care, part of why you’re so upset is that you weren’t authentic with him. Screw what other people may think…you have to be true to yourself. You have to be authentic.”

Be authentic.

It is so simple, and so elementary. And yet – one of the most difficult things for me to do.

Why is that? Why do I always stress out about saying the perfect thing, wearing the perfect outfit, having the perfect nails, the perfect witty reply to a text, and painfully striving to meet society’s perfect ideals of a “cool girl” love-interest that is emotionally invincible, appropriately unavailable and just mysterious enough to keep a guy interested?

It’s BULLSHIT. Excuse my french. It’s the remnants of my perfectionism from my anorexia creeping in and sabotaging my present!

Here I completely disrespected this guy I genuinely cared about by not letting him see how his departure deeply affected me.

Now, I’m not saying I had to have a full blown Scarlet Ohara-style tantrum in front of him, but for crying out loud — at the very least, Care — express to him how you feel! How you’ll be sad to see him go!

Which, to be fair — I kind of did. BUT I went the route of, “I’m excited for you,” rather than, “I wish you weren’t leaving.

My dad was absolutely correct. We can be nothing in this life, other than ourselves. Because you know what? Who we are — authentically — is a beautiful thing.

God made my heart, and your heart, and his heart, and all of our hearts — he made them to be precisely unique and individual to us. Every little thing that makes our hearts yearn, or swell, or break, or leap — our hearts are our own unique reflection of the Father’s. And that is the heart that needs to be presented to any potential partner.

Not what Cosmopolitan magazine dictates. Not what the latest Jennifer Anniston rom-com depicts.

No. Our own authentic selves. Because at the end of the day, isn’t that the whole entire point of dating anyway?? To see if your authentic self and his authentic self connect in an authentic way??

After a couple days kicking myself, I did end up writing him a beautiful note, expressing what I really wanted to say in the moment. Just a quick letter of gratitude for the time we shared, and the sadness to see such a quality gentleman leave, while also wishing him the best. And doing so was the precise closure I needed for myself.

That was what my authentic self needed to do. Maybe Cosmo would say that’s being too emotionally “needy” or “crazy” or whatever – but it’s who I am. God gave me this heart, and I’m going to darn well express it.

I just had to wipe a tear from my cheek. I guess I really did care for Mr. Australia. I guess sometimes you never really know what you want until it’s gone.

Anyway. I’m going to try to start taking that approach of being authentic, not just in dating, but in every aspect of my life.

So thanks, dad. You’re always right. (Insert a loving eye-roll)

“This is what the Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.” Ez 37:5


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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

201 thoughts on “Heartbreak Hindsight

  1. I don’t blame you for guarding your heart at a life-changing moment.

    Authenticity is vulnerable and scary. But the first time you do it is like the first time you ride the roller coaster. Bug nuts. But the second time, you know what to expect and your mind has checked some things off the “unknowns” list, even if you don’t realize it. So your brain and heart rate are a little more controlled. You slowly get a handle on it as you do it more.

    The tough part is, you gotta do it. It just doesn’t really come any way except experience.

    I do admire your courage.

    1. Thanks Brandon. Yeah, vulnerability is always scary!! Thanks for this wonderful encouragement. Means a lot 🙂 ready for that next roller coaster! 🙂 Hugs and love xox

  2. Yes! The world needs more people sharing! I used to hold everything in and then I realized that’s so silly. God changed me and I’m no longer in that cage. You say what you want to say regardless because that is YOUR heart (using wisdom and discernment of course).

    I had an experience one time that taught me always to say what you want because you may never get the chance again. I learned it the hard way and will never let it happen again.

    Good for you for being brave! I’m sure it meant a lot to him no matter what. It’s freeing and you won’t be left wondering ‘what if’. <3

    I'm also sorry it ended this way for you… at least for now… but God's ways are always higher and not our ways.

    1. Thanks friend 🙂 you’re so right about that – God’s ways are the best. And I truly am at peace with how it all ended. Every encounter with a person either grows us or teaches us or inspires us, and i can definitely see that here. 🙂 Hugs and love xox

    1. Oh my gosh I absolutely LOVE that. Thank you Tammy. You’re right – I am grateful for the time and am at peace moving forward. Big hugs to you xox

  3. Hey Beautiful 3:
    Every thing we do can be a teaching point, if we allow it, and learn. It is so good that you have a “hot line” to your folks, and a wise Dad.
    And, through your learning, possibly many will be taught.

    Your “Authenticity” comes through loud and clear, Caralyn. A terrific example to all who read your blog. Your major authentic point, which has been evident since Day 1, is your love for Jesus Christ, and the knowledge, acceptance of His Saving Grace. You have never wavered, backed away, hid your belief. That is authentic, honourable, admirable. Thank you.

    God’s Blessings Caralyn,
    Luv, 😀🌹❤️😘

    1. Hi George, thank you for this wonderful encouragement. You’re so right — a teaching point indeed. And you’re right – wise dad indeed. Thank you for saying that — amen — Jesus is the only way through this life!! Big big hugs to you xox

  4. I always love reading your writing! I have 2 thoughts. 1. I don’t even speak French, so I really have no idea what you said about perfectionism 😀 and 2. (sorry, here’s the pastoral counselor coming out) You’re allowing quickly constructed safety borders to rise up, but only with intimate relationships. You have absolutely no problem being authentic with your readers (complete strangers for the most part) and even that cab driver. They say that hindsight is always 20/20, but I think it’s also often painful. Look, grow from this, allow yourself the same grace that Jesus offers, and continue to step forward. You’ve got this!

    1. Thank you Brent!! What a kind response. You’re absolutely right. This is an opportunity for growth and I am truly grateful for that. God is good and I trust His path for my life 🙂 moving forward in peace for sure! Hugs and love xox

  5. Obviously your dad is right. On the other hand what would have profession your “like but not enough to go where your going ” would have done. Whose to say that he would not have left. And the crazy cynical George costanza part of me think he was just trying to see what your reaction would be. Remember George once told a woman he invented post it notes just to sleep with her. I know you are sad, but try thinking of him as George.

    1. George Costanza! Haha too funny. And you’re right very true. I hadn’t considered that perspective but for sure a powerful one to mull over. Thank you!! Hugs and love xox

    1. You’re so right about that, Mary. Thank you. After a few days now, I really have come to peace with it. God’s timing is always precise and purposeful. So I’m trusting that 🙂 thanks for stopping by!! Hugs and love xox

  6. I don’t think you’re alone in closing off yourself in the midst of such a surprise. The brain goes into reset and the walls go up while trying to decide what to do. I could make you a list of all the times I reacted poorly and wished I could do it all over the RIGHT way, because I got surprised and couldn’t figure out what to do in the moment.

    I’ll disagree slightly with your dad. I’ll suggest that maybe it wasn’t about being authentic. It was being unsure of what authentic was. So, yes, you were not authentic after a fashion, but it was a matter of not recognizing what was authentic in that moment of shock. Try this – you care for the guy. You want to do the right thing and not punish him by making a scene, so you do the “Happy for you” bit, because you authentically wanted to be big about it. Only when it was too late did you realize that it wasn’t the most authentic thing you could have done. It was only when you had time to shed the shock that you really knew what you should have wanted to do. Again, what you should have wanted to do.

    It’s not post ED perfectionism fallout (not saying you don’t have it, just not this time). It’s inexperience. It’s still growing up. It’s still learning where all of the levers and switches are on Caralyn, how to operate yourself. So don’t beat yourself up, OK? Don’t think you were being phony – you were trying to figure out the authentic thing to do while under a lot of sudden stress.

    All this being said, your dad was right, but I submit it was nothing more than a mistake under stress. I just want to encourage you to not judge yourself harshly or feel that you were anything else but caught with your emotional pants down. I won’t bother you with personal examples. Just take my word that it happens to ALL of us!

    Well, that certainly was a ramble, wasn’t it? I hope I said something that helps you.

    1. Thanks for this, Jeff. Yeah, definitely a lot of inexperience at play for sure. I mean, especially this situation — not something i have dealt with! Thank you for that encouragement. It really did help. I am definitely feeling at peace now about after these several days. Especially having sent him the note. It wasn’t gushy or anything – just a note of sharing my appreciation and respect. Moving forward 🙂 thanks again my dear friend. 🙂 big hugs to you and your girls!

      1. The note was a good decision. Also, I watched the video on bloating. You hit all the right notes both in info and tone. Great job! So much looking forward to seeing you talk here!!

      2. Thanks Jeff 🙂 and i appreciate you watching the vid!! I know! I can’t wait, very grateful for the opportunity!! Have a great Tuesday! Xox

    1. Thank you so much Yonnie. I really appreciate that. Glad you enjoyed it. Hugs and love xox

  7. Having someone touch our true selves so deeply, and to stare losing them directly in the face is a terrible thing indeed. Your story reminds me of how I handled the girl who I honestly could say was the true one. It has been so many years now, but i can remember that day so vividly. She moved to California and had asked me to see her off, but I could not. The best I could do was write a letter to her beforehand and send her off with a gift. The gift of a CD which was the soundtrack of our time together. It has been twenty years or so now, and she and I do still keep in contact. And she still plays the CD too as one of her most treasured gifts. I didn’t have the gift of words then, but I do have a talent of expressing feelings through a soundtrack. (Absolutely)Story of a girl, will always be her to me.

    I am sorry my friend, but, we do get the chance to try again. That is a gift in itself.

    1. Thank you so much Dean for sharing your experience. I’m sorry that you can relate so personally. There is such power in music isn’t there? And amen – that certainly is a gift. Hugs and love xox

  8. Amen to the POPS, for their wise advice.. Pops- that’s the Word my sister uses to call my Dad, Dad. But for some reason it’s catched on.

    Check out this post BBB, I posted this last night at 1254, I posted it onto a group chat ministry that has alot of pastors, church leaders on… you’ll see the connection ..

    “unless you become like little children you shall not inherit the Kingdom of God. matt 18 2-4. …………. why so? BEcause little children dont care about the color of skin, whether their playmates are black or white, whether they are rich or poor, whether they are baptist or apostolic denomination or catholic, they could care less about the meaningless labels that do nothing for us but seperate us and divide us.. they care about being together and being happy and being unified.. u know what else kids care about.. being fair!!! when does this change? when the kids become tainted by the traditions of men and their filthy customs… when they enter and become exposed to the world…. and all the manipulation in it. so about the age of 3. True! before that.. kids, love barbie dolls, little toy cars, little yellow tonka trucks filled with sand. Why? Because they see the value in simple things… they are not filled with BULLSHIT, EXCUSE ME LORD, but that’s what it is bullshit.. the labels, the intelligence, the laws of this and that, the sex, the lust, the drugs, the race wars, the money wars, all the thigns that divide instead of unify us… They find pleasure and happiness in the simple things… a yellow toy truck with sand… as our God is not a complex God, although He is full of infinite power, majesty, and wisdom, He is simply beautiful and full of extraordinary grace. God bless you all. In Jesus name, Amen.”

    Yes, I do have a mouth, My dad cussed a lot. I do not have any excuses for it. I am in control of my mouth and I allow myself to cuss and slip back into old ways and old behaviors that I know are not good. Now with that disclaimer out of the way, lets proceed to move the BULLSHIT out of the way!

    Amen!

    Today, I was in a conversation with a gal, who is very bright intelligent, and she called me out on my need to stop cussing… being that she knows I’m focused on God, and working every day toward being better… so we got wrapped up in a text war of convincing, debating, the point of righteousness… blah, blah, blah..

    and it wasnt until like after 25mins of texting. that after all that time.. I finally received 3 text messages that I absolutely loved…

    why?

    Because in the last three… here i’m going to actually post them.. if she read them.. u know who you are.. forgive me..

    .. hey really quick before i do. BBB, I notice people love to open up to you.. that’s ur purpose seriously… i always noticed you had a following.. tons of comments.. but i never really put that aspect together before until just now… you have a gift for people wanting to share their personal lives with you…. May God continue leading you in this area, cultivating this quality, increasing it, directing it, growing it, to do His Will, In Jesus name, Amen.

    here are the text,

    “When I said stop the f bombs and you threw it out there just to rebel, then commenced defending yourself and your actions. Don’t be so resistant to correction. There’s no judgment…just correction from a sister in Christ who sees an area you need to work on. I have plenty of my own areas I need to work on.

    And Stop putting me in a box. I’m not the kind of person you think I am. Get out of your own head and predisposed ideas of me actually listen to me…hear my heart. I’m not judging you and I don’t compare you to anyone but Jesus, the same way I try to measure my own self against no one else but Jesus. I’m human and imperfect, but I do my best every day not to actively, knowingly sin against God bc I love Him. I want, with everything in my being, to be pleasing to Him. ”

    Before these texts, it was mumbo jumbo , im right your wrong bullshit, trying to outwit the other crap, but then she GOT REAL AUTHENTIC ON ME… and that FUCKING touched me. Amen.

    As you always touch others.

    Greatttt Glorrrrrrrrryyyyyyy Be to God.

    1. Yes! The pops is always correct! And I grew up calling my dad pops too!! Thank you for sharing that. You’re right – we need to seek out those things that unify not divide! And thank you for your kind words about my blog – means a lot. And i agree – nothing more powerful than authenticity! So glad you stopped by!

      1. thanks, i’ll refrain from cussing on ur site. I apologize. Id like to keep you as a peer, fellow colleague write.. and out of respect..i am willing to do that for u. thanks again.

    1. Oh billy, you’re the best. Thank you my dear friend. 💛💛💛💛 Hugs and love xox

  9. You do have to say that he did tell you instead of just leaving without saying something although he could have just told you over the phone instead of making you come to him. You are a great lady. The man who finds you will be blessed abundantly.

    1. That is such a great point. Thank you JB for that powerful perspective. He is a class act all the way around. Hugs and love xox

  10. Caralyn, there is something wildly beautiful about this post. What a gift to write a note to express your deeper feelings. Some of us express ourselves most vulnerability in and through our writing. It is in part how we communicate. When the right guy comes along that authentic, vulnerable self will be presented as a gift to that guy. You know he’ll guard your heart.

    1. Oh gosh thank you Teri, that means a lot. Yeah I definitely find it easier to express my true feelings through writing. It allows for more thoughtfulness and intentionality. That’s a great point. I won’t have to worry about guarding it because he’ll want to protect it just the same 🙂 I’ve never thought about it that way before but it brings me a lot of comfort. Thanks for that awesome perspective. Hugs and love xox

  11. Praise the Lord for dads! I miss mine so much! Praying for your dad!
    Sorry about Mr. Australia. I’m glad you found a way to say what you really meant to say.
    I’m sure he needed it too. (believe it or not)
    Encouraging video… some truth are only known when experienced, and only if we understand it enough to be afraid of the unknown.
    God loves you, Carayn!

    1. So true, Gail! Dads are the best! Thanks for your prayers! Yeah, that’s what my dad said too – that it’s a sign of respect to him to actually express to him that you valued his time and not just appear to brush off what was a meaningful connection. And thank you for watching the video!! Sending big big hugs xox

  12. No, goodness gracious, I disagree (respectfully) with your dad. Being authentic upsets guys. They can’t handle it. They tolerate it until the moment they can escape. That has been my experience. What you did–playing it cool, letting him know how excited you are for him to get back to kangaroo-land–was the totally right thing to do. Because do you know how much more heartbroken you’d be right now if he’d been repulsed by your sentiment? I don’t even want to think about it. You weren’t being inauthentic–you were just reacting to something you couldn’t have planned a reaction to. I know it doesn’t seem that way, but that IS authentic. And he knew how you felt. Just trust Meg on this: opening the waterworks would just have gotten him back to Australia even sooner and without his even needing to buy airfare, because he would’ve just leapt into the ocean and gone for a swim to get there. But…. that could just be me. Hey, if you don’t believe me, try it sometime and find out!

    1. Hi Meg, thank you so much for sharing your heart on this. Yeah – there’s a lot of truth there. Now, Just to clarify – I didn’t mean that I would have cried in front of him or caused a scene or made him feel guilty or that he was breaking my heart by leaving. What I meant was that I could have said that I really enjoyed the time we shared and was bummed to see him go. Because I agree — waterworks are never enjoyable for either party. Haha a swim to get there that’s super funny 🙂 you’re right about that!! Thanks again for this perspective! Hugs and love xox

  13. A bit melodramatic and can’t say I didn’t warn you dear. First I think dating is too contrived and forcing the issue of I’m looking for Mr. Right and want to settle down and be happy. You don’t need to do any of that to settle down and being happy is relative, because as I’ve said before if you can’t be happy by yourself you are saying that some [person is what you really need to make you happy and that is placing a burden on another that can’t be met; so doomed to failure with that premise from the get-go! What happens is many people in our culture think about the perfect fantasy romance and falling madly in love being so passionately in love and then getting married to go on having children and a wonderful home to live happily ever after! That is all bullshit and is stuff for make believe, novels and movies. Being genuine; yea just be you and keep busy doing the things you need and want to do to build yourself into the person you are capable of being but having total faith in Jesus Christ to lead you on paths of righteousness is a better way to go in this world than haphazard dating and seeking satisfaction in another person, they are like you incomplete and broken so the best you can do with that is be co-dependent and struggle with short term relationships or even get married to one of them and have a bouncing ball or roller-coaster ride for many years until something gives and then goodbye comes again. The premise is wrong just going through various try-outs with guys on dates is toying around and pretending that maybe we will fall for each other totally! Putting faith in God to show you His will for you in time is the best way any of us can go to have a genuine life full of what God intends for you, but trusting in the Lord is much better than trusting your own emotions or the offerings or lack of them from some guy that when you come right down to it you really don’t know, nor he you; and if I said it once I’ve said a hundred times most guys I have known or talked to about chicks, GF’s Date’s, Etc. like to go with it to see what happens and if they get lucky it’s a home run for that night but he may change his mind about wanting more in a heartbeat and move on to plan B, or even keep getting lucky for a while and then things turn to sour grapes for one reason or another! All a lot of risk and expended energy with emotional consequences which is what you experienced and that is proof of what I’ve been saying to you, my sisters and many ladies over the years, because if you keep dancing around the flame like the moth you will get burned and it can happen over and over till you have so much emotional baggage you won’t be good for anyone not even yourself! Your Dad didn’t quite lay it on this thick but I am because I’m not emotionally connected and like to talk straight on with no sugar coating! I know you would love to be in that idyllic place you think is somewhere just over the hill or maybe the rainbow, but it’s not happening especially these days in this messed up world with people being made the way they are. God is the answer and always has been; so time to regroup and get with that paradigm full time, no sloughing off and trying this or that! Can you be happy with yourself and what you have going on in your personal life already? If so; keep moving forward and if not then you need to look your life over and see what you need to work on about YOU!
    Now Caralyn, we don’t know each other but I want to tell you I think you are a wonderful young woman and I really like you! So, I’m maybe being more like some brother thing here in a sense or would seem that way to many people that know me! Some of the painful horrid things I went through over the last dozen or more years were all brought on by other people and some stained or damaged my life in very deep ways to where I now have little trust in people and see that it is a sinking ship in a sense and its every man and woman for them self. But, I always had a big heart and cared for others more than myself, helping my sisters or mom and even girlfriends over the years where I put my needs last at times; and just was there for all of them! I’m glad I helped them and it was how I am so I guess I just did what I’m capable of and functioned according to how I’m put together. Now I look back and I hope it made a big difference for at least one of them and kept them from some tragedy. I on the other hand fell into my own tragedies because I was too trusting or felt invincible and when the chips were down nobody was there to pull me from the brink or keep me from getting into the mire. I also didn’t do a good enough job of seeking and actually doing God’s will, I relented, even gave into sin or making foolish mistakes. I had to fight my way out even a court battle because after a contrived or rigged injury the system was heartless to me just like it is to many others so I fought my way out of all that crap and now survive and have scars and less stamina or faith in people than ever, not God I know it wasn’t God’s fault ever; I screwed up! So don’t you be a victim of yourself and let others mess you up! That dude/gentleman messed with you in the end or at least your head; and so he did you no favor believe you me, but who allowed this build-up and let down. He can go home and go see the gals he knew back in school or run into some others and try his luck again don’t worry about him. You keep yourself together and know you are worthy and going to be doing what you should from here on out and that will be God’s will for you.
    And Taylor swift, yea look at her who needs that? And, examine many of the famous stars going way back and up to current, and see how they run from one mess to another with all that baggage. Even Doris Day who recently passed away was a goodie two shoes in Hollywood back in the day and a fine talented old school country girl who made it big lady, and from what I know about her helping all the animals over the years, I mean the furry kind and her compassion for them; but she was used and abused by men and swindled out of much of her earned fortune even by the last husband who she really thought so highly of and that he was the best of the lot; but he too was a JERK! Chill out and be you and genuine like Dad said but stop persisting that some angel of a guy is going to step off some cloud just for you! That’s harder than finding a proverbial needle in a haystack! Nearly impossible, but I said nearly because with GOD anything is possible and there is the point, you want it to be His will, not your own! Hang tight now and be cool, OK. You want any more tongue lashing or non-sugar coated in your face dissertations, let me know anytime!
    Your honest to goodness friend that doesn’t even know you and that you never met, but like I said I have a big heart for my sisters and you are one too; in Christ!
    God Bless You Dear!
    Lawrence

    1. Thanks Lawrence for sharing your thoughts on this. I definitely agree that letting God reveal His will for me on His time is absolutely the way to go. I also think that putting myself out there allows an opportunity for the man He has planned to enter the picture. Because if I don’t, then the only guys it could be are my mailman or garbage guy!! Haha not quite but you get what I’m saying. And thank you for sharing your heart and your story. Big hugs x

      1. Ha, ha very cute but no cigar! Still you try to push the agenda, or make it a numbers ratio thing! I’m a jack of all trades and a master of some; and actor too. So, it’s hard to put one over on me these days having worked as an outside salesman I know all about putting it out there and getting some bites or a catch! I still can’t agree with that paradigm of yours at all, that’s like saying God wants you to put the courting game above His will for you. That’s you still trusting your own judgment over His; and if God wants you with a certain man it will happen without any number’s ratio thing you contrived or establish as a PATTERN to WIN! No pattern man-made especially needed, just keeping busy with doing the things that make you who you are and use your talents; and somewhere in there don’t you worry if it’s God’s will for you to be with the perfect man for you God can handle that as you know; and it will happen! I did open up a lot more for you and your post about your hardship, not for sympathy but to hopefully awaken you to some things! I said I was in a contrived injury and I meant it literally. I was attacked by nefarious persons who I know were manipulated by evil to extinguish my flame of hope and happiness! I got hurt bad and had to fight my own legal workers comp case firing even my own lawyer who wasn’t in it for me either, because the system is too rigged and doesn’t care one iota about the little guys or gals, us in other words along with the hard truth that most people are in it for themselves! So for years I fought them all and won, but making it worse people covered each other’s backs because I was expendable and dirty politics plays hard ball with guys like me. You want to talk having a rough time or nearly being destroyed, I could tell you things that I was up against and still nobody cares, except Jesus Christ, who got me through all that! I allowed people to get me into a position where they could then “mess with me” and that was my point, why do you think I say don’t put yourself into any vulnerable position like that? Because then you will be inviting trouble, heartache or worse by placing yourself into the wrong groove, not on God’s path to righteousness. You think God really likes when nice ladies like you just shop around for Mr. Right putting yourself into a place where you spend time saying I want this to happen and so God says OK? Why not be doing all the things you should be doing with your time and maybe one day if God does want you with a certain person He will lead you to that person or him to you! I know that things go wrong or even bad things can happen when putting too much stock or faith in other people, so I say become more self-reliant and build your “faith in God” to show you His will over time; don’t be pushing this “agenda,” which is what you have going whether you want to admit it or not! You don’t seem to be hearing me in my humble opinion, and that tells me that like many a sister or friend over the years that did that same thing they wanted to learn the hard way and if you need to do that then more power to you and I hope you will be intact enough at the end of it! But, a Mr. Australia; why on God’s earth would you want to have a dozen or more such encounters over time; to prove WHAT? That you are willing to get hurt and wrung out to get to the gold nugget? That’s a fools parade and self-inflicted wound. I said already be happy with who you are and all you can do, and if you’re not, then look yourself over very carefully and see where some self-improvement is in order. God Bless You!
        Lawrence

      2. Thanks again Lawrence. Be happy with myself – got it! 👍🏼😁 A very important truth!

      3. You’re welcome, but I have to be honest it doesn’t seem that all things are as they should be or you confess openly in a public forum. Your own admission of hysterically breaking down over a guy going back where obviously he belongs over staying around your turf to what make your life so complete.
        I ask what is it that you thought you had but now lost with this guy. How can you be so caught up in something that is not right for you to begin with? I can see it clearly and I’m not even there so maybe you don’t see the obvious because you choose not to; and maybe too many people patronize you and talk a lot of hot air over time giving you a false sense of well-being and security in your own personal world, which none of them including me are a part of, none! If a few are close friends and associates fine, but why do you seek the opinion of so many basically strangers or fans whatever we can agree they are to know what God tells you is His will for you? That should be your call and His, which is where this story begins and ends! Are we all playing a game here or doing God’s will, this is a good thought for any of us to pray on now and quit bouncing balls back and forth trying to say look here I have the answer, bull-crap! I even have to ask myself why I am trying to get involved with something I have really no great enough connection to nor know about all the specifics; which even then it wouldn’t be my call anyway. Peace and Love to All!

      4. And really no offense intended of course but even surreptitiously, just saying my gut! I do trust my instincts so should you trust yours!
        Take care Caralyn.

      5. I thought I had said enough about this topic which I started weeks ago, and I still feel that way but, a lady blogger wrote something that I just received and right away I thought of you and figured this really maybe drives my point home but coming from another lady and nice one like you would be good to mention here.
        “here man isn’t capable to fulfilling us; that role belongs to the Lord. Too many times, young women, yes Christian women, myself included at one time, enter marriage with the belief that this man will make me happy. He will bring with him that joy and laughter and peace that my soul craves. He is that beacon in the darkness. Sweetheart, that’s too much pressure on the poor man, he too maybe looking for someone to provide that laughter, joy and peace, because he doesn’t have it. Peace and joy are found in the Lord. He completes you. He alone can fulfill you. Your joy must be found in Him.”

        Now isn’t that the ticket; in so few words what I took pages to say and lecture about over a few weeks she said in those few lines! Sometimes it really takes a lady to say something that needs to be said to another lady, I tend to get into dissertations as you all know and arguments too! OK, done!
        I think God made sure I read this at lunch time to send it to you Caralyn! His will!

      6. Didn’t this guy btw sort of drop you like a hot potato when you said you’re a virgin? YUCK!!! If you were my sister I’d be riding shot-gun if this guy was miles within your presence! I’d like to say to him, Go hop with the kangaroos and non-virgins in socialistic Australia! Mr. Boomerang!

      7. Excuse my directness if you can and want to.
        Then again maybe it’s better you don’t and call me what you will; for what’s it’s worth I can take it, anything anyone wants to call me, “quite frankly, I don’t give a damn!”

        You’ve published your photos and advocated for one thing or another have you not? So to me you have become a public image shared by virtual strangers and trust being in the public forum discussing personal circumstances or even missteps, which is sharing what was once held as private domain. What the hell is the point to having a personal life if one forfeits privacy and shares personal life with strangers? I see how the movie stars of yesteryear used to be famous and quite good at what they did on the silver screen gaining fame and fortune and a public that adored them. But then, they were very guarded with personal circumstances and family keeping those things in their inner most sanctum private as best they could because the two lives the one up on the screen and the one at home with family were two different things or worlds if I can say it that way. I just see way too many people all over the net being idiots in my book pretending this or that or seeking ways to get more likes. For shits sake I was wrapping myself up in trying to help animals, something I’ve done all my adult life and then getting in tune with certain persons online or groups I found that they were so self-serving or only interested in getting more popularity! HUMILITY is what I respect not all these people online saying look at me or I have 100,000 followers and the like! And most of the animal rights people were hell-bent on saving any animal that I or anyone brought to the public’s attention on the cyber venue but those same people most of them females were doing nothing for and wouldn’t if I asked them to help the UNBORN babies, even now day of delivery in New York and other crazy places! That spoke volumes to me and made me weak in my knees and sick to my stomach both figuratively and literally, then I blew my lid and was freaking mad at people and still am for allowing this shit to come upon us all; and all because each person was way too busy self-serving and getting what they could of material value or boosting egos! “Humility” is in short supply in this world of take, take and get what you can while you can!

        Look at scum like the Clinton’s or Obama’s and the Bushes too, all wealthy because somewhere along the line they saw a way to screw the public over and get rich in the process while lying through their teeth! Again I say, look at all these people online saying look at me or I have 100,000 followers and the like! SO WHAT, it means nothing in the reality of what is meant to be important and a person’s worth. Lots of “lip service” too, people will say this or that and behind closed doors something totally different is going on! You try and tell me how you separate the BS from the GENUINE AUTHENTIC TRUTH? ONLINE it’s VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE! So, you end up taking things for face value as to what is said, but how is that worth anything? It’s not, because I know people in actual life that talk shit and are as phony as a three dollar bill. If you take things for face value then you are being foolish on the web, the “cyber spider’s web,” or if you don’t do that then you are filling your head with worthless garbage trying to have a life of value in an artificial “disingenuous” world of BS and Lies with a smidgen of truth here or there!

        Come on, in this secular modern world you or anyone isn’t going to tell me that it’s all cool and no worries and I’m going to suck it up, no way, no how! I’m not falling for this load of horse shit that the public is sucking up as fast as it can be fed to them! You’re all becoming a mob of SHEEPLE, being primed and prepared for slaughter! I’d venture to guess that at least 90% of what you hear on the net is BS just like Madison Avenue hype and propaganda to promote products, that which we people “CONSUMERS” have become, being brainwashed and fed continuous trash, now even we the “products” to be implemented online to draw in attention and DOLLARS! We live in a world of “money makes the world go round” and now it’s truer than ever with the cyber world. Capturing an audience on handheld devices now is a 24/7 trillion dollar industry with clowns like Mark Zuckerberg the punk kid that became a billionaire overnight for what? He is worthless, and less than that to me! Sold his soul to Satan the material God! I don’t listen to punk ass dips shits like him about anything. ZERO character and substance with that bought and paid for tool. Like I was saying about the animal rights cause or even the Sierra Club which has now become a front for political activists and radicals who promote multiple warped and twisted agendas in society, but use the nature and wildlife theme to drawn in millions from saps to be used for political agendas; in other words what used to be an organization about hiking trails and preservation of open space has now morphed into a corrupted scheme by many nefarious persons to bilk others or get their way and more MONEY, and along with that POWER, and the internet has made this all possible practically overnight!

        The shit is stacking up so high in this modern twisted high tech world that there is only one way it can end up! And that day is coming fast, we are looking straight into the face of “Armageddon” and doing nothing about it, just like the deer in the headlights which I’ve personally witnessed driving semi’s and now witness in an upside-down culture of trickery and stupidity! Practically everyone is too busy sticking their head into the cyber trap and doing jack about the REAL DEAL! Trump and Pompeo and a few others with them may be able to kick some butt, although I’m sorry to say the cat is out of the bag and much too big for anyone now to contain. TOO LITTLE TOO LATE!!!

        PS If I have challenged you with my abrupt and even harsh rhetoric then good; because we all need to be, all, and as a matter of fact we all need to be chastised and corrected because we are doing wrong, every one of us is screwing up in some way or at some moment! Sure we are imperfect and human and can make mistakes but much of the wrong people are doing is avoidable and inexcusable and that gets into being evil, which I’ve experienced in my midst and people were evil with political wicked agendas and out to protect their own bottom line of past corruption and continuing nefarious ways. I’ll say this and leave it to anyone reading all of this, dump all I said and me into your own private garbage pail, but I think we all need a WAKE UP CALL, me INCLUDED!

      8. And this guy Jim is an idiot telling you jump on the plane and then you saying “ha ha the greater the risk the greater the reward!” You both are talking BS and anti-God. You’re not rolling dice here kids this is your damn lives you’re talking about, GET IT. OMG how ignorant some of you younger people want to be! High risk takers are dope addicts and losers, some even dead before they get started because they chuck caution to the wind and go with their own EGO! You guys lack wisdom for sure but I’m starting to think you lack even common sense! Will you ever wake up with that mind-set? Maybe; but probably not in time for it to really matter. A day late and a dollar short kids.

    1. Hi Jim! I like how you think!! Greater the risk greater the reward! (Or something like that! Haha) Hugs and love xox

      1. I don’t think God is nearly as concerned about who you marry as you are. As long as you live honorably enjoy the ride

  14. I’m glad you told him how you really feel. Call me crazy (as I know very little about the situation) but I still hope it works out for the two of you ❤️. I’m a romantic, I guess.

    1. Thank you Lisa, aw you’re kind to say that. I’m definitely a romantic right there with ya. I’ll keep you posted, but I will say, I am at peace moving forward, having expressed my heart to the full extent. 🙂 thank you for being in my corner! Hugs and love xox

  15. Authenticity is how I live. Sometimes it’s unwelcome by the recipient, but I am at least authentic. So many times I have had to put on the “I’m happy for you” face. Coincidentally, had to do that this very afternoon. “I think it’s wonderful you have twins.” (“Wish they had been ours.”) Characteristically, I in break-ups I let the woman go, because I know its best for her, because it’s she wants, or thinks she wants. If there is one thing I have learned: You cannot change a woman’s heart. Sometimes it’s hard to let your feelings be known because they are so very powerful. I agree with your dad, but I also think that you didn’t want to go to pieces, and there is nothing wrong with that. Once, I had to leave because I knew I couldn’t contain my sorrow and I didn’t want to force that on the woman in question or the others who were nearby. It’s good that you wrote, because you expressed your true self. You protected yourself,and you showed your love. Nothing wrong with that. Who knows what the future holds? Onward and upward!

    1. @Sansman I cannot be authentic when I have to put on the “I’m so happy for you” face. It’s so fake when I have to pretend that I’m happy for them when deep down I’m not happy at all. Often, I wish it had been me celebrating. Talked to the therapist about this a few days ago and simply told her I cannot hang out with certain people right now. Hopefully she understood that.

      One thing I used to do was tell people congratulations online and whatnot. Now I don’t do that. If it’s something that’s triggering to me and upsetting to me, I won’t tell them congratulations. I won’t contact them or message them. To me, that is more authentic because I’m not forcing myself to put on an act. Can’t tell ya how many people I have muted on Instagram (just discovered this feature after avoiding IG for two years) and its a Godsend. Before I wasn’t using IG at all but now I can pick and choose who to see? That makes me happy. 🙏🏻💕

    2. Hi Sandman, onward and upward, that’s exactly right! And you’re right – I wanted to stay composed – which I’m very glad I did. VERY glad. And i agree – I’m at peace moving forward having expressed my heart. Thank you for such a kind response. Hugs and love xox

  16. If Gods only purpose from that encounter was to teach you that lesson, and through you share that lesson with us, then it was a huge success. Authenticity is not easy, and i will echo what someone else said–dont rush to think it was ED perfectionism: Society is structured to encourage social walls. Authenticity is viewed as weakness, vulnerability as vice. This is a very human challenge that everyone faces in different ways.

    I got back from Theology on Tap moments ago, and two friends gave a talk about authentic, spiritual friendships. One question they asked is: who are you willing to let into your wounds? It occurred to me, in my life, that ive got many good, close friends who i dont let into my struggles, and i struggle spiritually too when i try to hide my weakness from Christ. Here you were, being actively wounded, and your instinct was one any if not all of us would do: save face, come out on top. Authenticity is many things, and being vulnerable with people, face to face, is one difficult part.

    I will pray that Our Lady of Consolation intercedes with Christ on your behalf to soothe your heart and bring you love and joy on swift wings.

    AMDG
    -Scoot

    1. Hi Scoot, thank you for this. I think you’re so right – God teaches us something through every situation! Oh wow what a powerful POWERFUL question about the wounds. Holy cow that’s going to haunt me for the next few days. Wow. Thank you for your prayers my dear friend. Know that you’re in mine too! Hugs and love xox

    1. I think you’re so right about that. Thank you friend. Yeah I’m definitely at peace moving forward having expressed my heart 🙂 big hugs to you xox

  17. Authenticity and vulnerability r really really hard things but the sweetest thing can come of them too. Sorry you’re hurting. Adulting stinks sometimes.

    1. You’re so right about that. Thanks friend. Haha adulting. Yes it does. Heartbreaks and laundry – two adulting aspects that really do stink. Hahahahah Hugs and love xox

  18. Oh my gosh! All I could keep thinking was did she at least text him or something!? I’m glad you were able to say something to him. Hopefully he responded back to your note. Cosmo is dumb lol letters can be romantic! 🙂

    1. Thank you so much Rachael 🙂 I agree – Cosmo is super dumb. Yeah I’m feeling really at peace moving forward having sent him that. 🙂 glad you stopped by!! Hugs and love xox

  19. Love your Dad’s advice, so very, very true! Sorry about Mr. Australia. Glad you wrote that letter, feels better to say what you want to say, even if it wasn’t that exact moment❤️

    1. Thank you Jenny! Yeah he’s a smart guy for sure. Thanks for saying that. Yeah I fell at peace now having said my piece. Hugs and love xox

  20. So beautiful. 🥰 I understand that fear of being authentically true to what the soul wants to say: we’ve been so conditioned into fear by a society that is scared themselves. That bravery you showed in the end must have been so satisfying. Also…I am currently sitting in a lounge room in Australia, writing this to you. And you are currently reading the words I’ve written. I guess what I’m saying is that maybe there is life left in your connection with Mister Australia, after all. Modern day certainly allows it. If your heart and soul tells you to look into that…this romantic heart of mine thinks you totally should! xx ☺️🥰

    1. Thank you so much Brooke. You’re so right – society has given bad information!! And yes! Feeling very much at peace now having sent that letter. And wow! How serendipitous. I will definitely pray about it!!! 🙂 thanks for that little nudge of encouragement ! Hugs and love xox

  21. Yes. All of this. Having been on the receiving end of many inauthentic statements (I’ve heard “I’ll call you back when I’m not so busy” and then never hearing back from her multiple times, in addition to many others), it’s nice to see that someone finally realizes this.

    And what makes this even more sad is that to many people, being inauthentic is so expected that being authentic is seen as a turn-off. Like the “friend” from the “church” I was attending in 2004 who told me that the reason people don’t like me is that I actually tell them things they don’t care about, and how when someone asks me how I’m doing, they don’t really want to know how I’m doing, they just want me to be polite and say fine.

    1. Thank you so much my dear friend. And gosh, I’m sorry that person said that to you. – not kind of true at all!! You keep being your authentic self – because it rocks 🙂 Hugs and love xox

      1. Someone, after hearing that story and others from that “church” (this is the same one where the “pastor” said I wasn’t allowed to talk to women because my mannerisms scared them off, I think you’ve heard that story at some point), told me that she was surprised that I didn’t turn away from the faith entirely. I said that that was never an option because my problem wasn’t with Jesus or the truth of the Bible, but with fallible human beings misinterpreting and misusing God’s Word.

      2. Oh gosh that’s not cool. Amen – Jesus is the constant in the situation!

  22. I was looking for you and could not remember your website name! I just started blogging again so I’m so glad you liked my post so I could refollow you. Yay!!! Look forward to catching up on your writings

    1. Hi Bethany!! Oh good!! So glad our paths crossed again!! Thanks so much for stopping by!!! Hugs and love xox

    1. Thanks again. Yeah hooray for my papa 🙂 everything ends up the way it’s supposed to, I believe that. Hugs and love xox

  23. Thank you for writing about this. I really needed to read this today and it helped me be authentic and say goodbye properly to someone very special to me. I would have regretted ending things on a bad note for years if I hadn’t done that. I think I finally got closure now; I can finally close this chapter and put it behind me. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this helps. Sending you positive energy and lots of love 🙂

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words Deeksha. I’m so glad it resonated with you! Yeah i have so much peace now moving forward having sent that note. Closure is a good thing 🙂 Hugs and love xox

  24. My dear friend

    It was a lesson you had to learn, to be always you. Hiding behind a mask reveals that you had some kind of fear while your heart was weeping in this situation. Look at this situation again and find out more about yourself, then more and more you will get to know yourself and in doing so you get to know how we people function, then you will be able to understand others and yourself much better. Each human lesson like this will deepen your knowledge about yourself. It is a journey into yourself.

    Your dad is a really a wise man and these things come when we have lived them through ourselves, not by hearing or by words from others, but when we experience these things.

    In this way we can dig out some precious diamonds hidden in us: the knowledge of ourselves – that is why wise men say: “Man know thyself – this is true spirituality, my friend.

    Hugs from heart to heart
    Didi

    1. Thank you Didi – you’re right. I was supposed to learn from that situation. It’s so true – it’s a journey into my self. And you’re right, I’m very lucky to have such a great day. Hugs and love xox

  25. I would love to tell you that it is easy being in the moment, it isn’t and thank you for the honesty (great post), I myself am struggling with the same thing even if everyone around me thinks I am the most ‘honest open guy they know’… what does that say ?!? I think it is hard to realize we have this little slice of life we have to live in NOW, I have honestly not found the answer or the solution to remind me every minute of every day to live NOW! damn it is hard… but I believe that things happen for a reason, as much as it sucks (absolutely) , there is a reason, I had what I thought was perfect love, and perhaps it was, but I was young, so was she, and life got in the way, a decade lost… and my love life has tumbled since… but I have faith in love, I really do. faith hope love. in that order. it is no comfort in the moment, just a bridge to the next, there is always hope, that is all that gets me through, trust in hope and a little nudge of luck if I am so inclined…

    1. Thanks so much David for the encouragement. Amen – living in the Now is really difficult, but is so important! And thank you for sharing your journey. Amen faith hope love! Hugs and love xox

      1. the funny thing is I totally second guessed my reply today (like why did I share so much!)… jeez, I need to read my own posts/advice…lol, why can’t we just be free to be ourselves… the consequences are never a big deal even though they have that feel/weight, maybe I will get it before I am 90…. I hope! thanks for letting me bounce off you, I am trying to be my better person.

  26. Authentic is scary. It is only truly safe to be so with God, if you think about it. As authentic as possible in any other relationship is the goal. Authentic is scary sometimes and not everyone can handle that until years into the relationship, as long as you are honest. Honesty is the real goal. Lies took you in in the past (me too, not singling you out) and lies are still the temptation the enemy will use because he really isn’t very creative or ambitious. So lies are the enemy and honesty within the protection of closeness to Christ is the goal. Has to be. If I were truly authentic and raw, you would run away from my crazy. But I make it a point always to be honest. “I am not comfortable sharing that with you but I will miss you, you are important to me.” That is an example of what I mean. Honesty has to become your best friend, goal for every moment. Save the pretending for the stage. Love you, as always. Sorry to talk so much. Hugs!XO 😄 ❤

    1. Thank you so much Tonya for this beautiful encouragement. You’re so right – authenticity and honesty are absolutely the goals. Amen to that – that comes through closeness to Christ! Beautiful thoughts! Hugs and love xox

  27. What you’ve talked about really resonates. I don’t do great with expressing emotions because it’s… embarrassing. But, there have been times when I wondered if I haven’t been missing out on something while giving in to this fear.

    I’m honestly glad that you have a dad who’d encourage you to be unabashedly yourself, emotions and all. I’m even gladder that you’re planning to put that notion into motion. Hopefully, I can pick up a few pointers from you along the way.

    1. Thanks so much friend. I feel you – expressing our emotions is super tough!! And vulnerable!! Thanks so much for saying that – yeah I am very blessed to have such a great dad. Glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox

  28. Hi Caralyn

    My wife is South African. When we met I had zero desire to ever set foot on the continent – Well, maybe go see the pyramids but not further down.

    When she told me she was moving back to Cape Town I was devastated, but something in hy spirit told me to make that move as well. It took me over a year to tie up the loose ends, but we spent 14 years there until 2017 when we moved back to the UK. Now we’re considering heading South again.

    When something is right, God tends to tell us in a way we have a choice. With my wife, the choice was move and marry her or lose her. It was a no-brain decision but I know a few people who were in similar positions that went the other way. God doesn’t condemn us for that.

    My wife and I met online, which in 2001 was unusual. Importantly, when I met her I was at a place where I was content to be single for ever if that was His plan. To have my God as my partner was enough.

    Good luck moving forward. And I LOVE what you say about being authentic. 1000%!

    1. Thanks David for sharing your love story. Wow – so beautiful, so powerful. You’re right – God puts those bushes on our hearts. And such an important detail about being content with God as your partner if it be His will — that is truly so important to hold that perspective. Thank you!!

  29. “Just one more thing” as I read some comments here I now get the impression that not only is your methodology in getting a Mr. Right flawed but it is all the more so contrived being part of a public forum like this; getting so much ATTENTION on it from virtual strangers that can’t be a part of your doing what God wants you to do, and being educational for some is one thing but this is over the top for sure in my book.
    Is this what the CYBER generation is all about, flaunting and seeking attention online with virtual strangers for finding happiness and fulfillment? CRAZY WORLD!

    1. Lawrence,
      I in no way shape or form, share the things I do on this blog as a means to “flaunt” or get attention and especially not as a way to gain fulfillment in life. I have not asked people to read. Or respond. Since day 1 of this blog, it has been my personal processing place. I have shared my heart, not for traction or gain, but for my own journey. (That’s why it is anonymous!!) And people for whatever reason have resonated with it. I have not asked them to. My content has not changed or wavered since the inception of the blog. I have always and will always be writing for one purpose: honesty. If you choose to think that it for some other ulterior motive, then that is your choice, but it is inaccurate. I hope I am not coming across as too firm, and I typically don’t respond to comments like this, but when my integrity is put into question, I will always stand up for myself . I appreciate your readership. And I hope that you can see the genuine purpose of my blog and why I share the things I do. Hugs and love xox

    2. The cyber generation is crazy: any person can go on someone else’s platform, talk highly of themselves, then chastise others for talking about themselves. Sounds scary, sure, but those platforms can be worked for good. When Jesus commissioned His followers (as seen in the last verses of Matthew), He told them to make disciples of all nations. For every bad thing there is in this sick and sin-ridden world, I think we can agree that the gospel message traveling far and fast is a good thing. And if not sharing the gospel but the law, I suggest reading Matthew 18:15-20 as a hard and fast rule for not airing out grievances so forcefully and publicly.

      All that said, there’s nothing to be fearful of because our fear and reverence is in the Lord. He instituted things like marriage, neither requiring nor condemning it. He saw that the first man was lonely and made a suitable companion (Genesis 2). You see in the Bible that Peter had a mother-in-law (Matthew 8:14-15) yet others like Paul did not have the urge to marry and considered just as well (1 Corinthians 7). There is nothing wrong with seeking a Godly spouse.

    1. Thank you friend, I appreciate your kindness. You’re right – he’s a smart smart man. I am very blessed 🙂 Hugs and love xox

  30. Did Mr. Australia leave yet? If not, there is still time. Go and tell him the truth Care. Speak your mind otherwise you’ll always have a doubt in your mind and you don’t want to enter any future relationship with a “What if”…
    I’ve never been in a relationship, but I am sort an expert in not telling a person how I felt until it is too late. Don’t wait till its too late.
    https://julxrp.wordpress.com/2013/10/12/my-whale-of-a-tale-2-the-family-friend/

    Your dad is right. How can we hope to share our lives with someone, if we’re not willing to be completely open to him/her. Being vulnerable is part of it. Past experiences teach us not to leave anything to chance and guard our hearts. We are to guard our hearts, but not from those we love.

    It is clear than even though you two weren’t sure where this was taking you, he’d become someone important to you without you even realizing. Maybe all that will come from this is a great friendship.
    You will only know it when you meet him again and be complete honest this time.

    If you have to part ways, part ways in a way that both you and him have closure and are able to move on; freely and without doubt.

    1. Thank you friend for this encouragement. Yes, he left yesterday so unfortunately, which is why I sent him the note when I did. And truthfully I am at total peace now moving forward having sent it. Because you’re right – had I not I would have been filled with so much regret and riddled with the “what if” woes. And so true – I am very blessed to have him as a dad. And amen – thank you for such a powerful perspective. I appreciate you sharing your heart. Hugs and love xox

      1. “I guess sometimes you never really know what you want until it’s gone.”

        The state of the human condition Care.

        Reading your reply, I guess you missed your “Rom-com” moment of showing up at the terminal and pouring out your feelings. But it is awesome that you found closure in the note.

        Besides, who knows what will happen in the future. Maybe one day, your paths will cross again, this time rekindling the tiny sparks till they turn into a blaze that lasts for eternity.
        (I need to stop watching the Rom-Com channel. Its making me all poetic).

  31. This really hit home and I’ve been thinking about it for hours. I’m on the exact opposite side of this, I have to leave to go to Sydney for work and my girl doesn’t want to come, so that’s that. I guess as long as your support structure is there, you’ll be golden, what’s for you, won’t go by you. Hugs.

    1. Thanks so much Sam, I’m so glad this resonated with you. I’m sorry you’re faced with that tough situation. Praying for you!! Hugs and love xox

  32. such a beautiful post, Caralyn! I completely understand how you feel too! Funny enough, i was subconsciously always trying to be the cool dude into everything popular, etc, but sometime 12 or so years ago around the age of 25, that just stopped. My faith continued to grow exponentially and i decided to be who i was, unapologetically. I can be a mixed bag, a walking contradiction sometimes, but i am who i am. I’ve learned to love unconditionally as well and i’ve taken that into my relationships.

    Australia Man reminds me of my current situation. The woman i am involved with lives 730 miles from me and we are pretty much at a stalemate about location too. She can’t see herself living in a smaller city, and i don’t want to leave my family, friends, band, and life here, but somehow we are going to try to make it work. Big fights have happened, tears have been shed, but as it stands now i would say we’re still together. Where it goes from here, who knows? The best i can do is leave it in God’s hands. Ultimately, He is in control and knows what’s best for us.

    Best of luck with your search for true love. God has a plan, my friend. I’ll be praying for you!

    – David

    1. Thank you so much David, for your encouragement. I’m so glad it resonated with you. And thank you for sharing your story. I will definitely be praying for your situation. Like you said – God is in control! Thanks for your prayers! Hugs and love xox

  33. Oh screw Cosmo! I felt this post intensely. This struggle for authenticity and throwing off the false lessons of the past is literally what my whole blog is about. I feel you, girl, and am sending big hugs your way. You done good. ❤️

    1. Amen to that! Cosmo is out of touch on this one! Thanks for your support and encouragement! Hugs and love xox

  34. I am sorry to hear about the end of something so close to your heart. Thank you for being transparent and sharing with us. This is an excellent read. I am so glad that you were honest and called your dad to not only advise you but to also validate you. The Christian way is to end anything in a respectful and truthful manner. I am praying for your healing.

    1. Thank you Ada, I appreciate your kindness. And I’m glad this resonated with you. You’re right – respectful and truthful. Thanks for your prayers. Hugs and love xox

  35. Just last evening I gave my testimony to a gathering of about 60 people at our Celebrate Recovery meeting. I’ve given it many times before, both there and at other churches. With my sordid past it would seem like it’d be the most demeaning thing I could possibly do but being completely transparent and honest is the most cleansing experience anyone can have. It’s absolutely liberating. My point is the same as your dad’s. Be true to who you are without fear of the consequences. You, because of your faith in Christ, belong to God and nothing can separate you from His love and care. Be bold. Few are the regrets from being honest.

    1. Hi Rollie, thank you for your kindness. Congrats on sharing your testimony! That’s so wonderful!! So glad it was so liberating. Amen to honesty! Hugs and love xox

  36. Sometimes the heart needs time to understand what the mind already knows and “No beauty shines better than that of a good heart”. Hearts will never be practical until the day they are made unbreakable isn’t it? … Everything happens for a reason and if not today, then when do learn to understand a heart? probably only by taking a chance again. Always remember that “There is a life after every broken heart and there is lovable heart after every broken life too”. Best Wishes 🙂⭐️

    1. Thanks friend – that’s really such great advice. And what a powerful quote. You’re right – for a reason for sure. Hugs and love xox

      1. You are welcome as always and keep trying until you find the one. It is never too late because the word “until” never ends…Best Wishes 🙂

  37. OK, I haven’t read others’ posts on this subject, but why would you not move to Australia? You have the perfect job to do so. I think you like adventures too. Just think about it…doesn’t mean you can’t visit back home and have visits there…

    1. Thanks Angie, yeah that’s a really great point. Unfortunately I think that shop has literally sailed. But for future opportunities, this has definitely opened my eyes and hearts to new possibilities!! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

  38. Be authentic – what an advice. Hard to follow but will save much grief afterwards.

    Regarding prime day, I never bought anything on prime day but was ready to buy something yesterday. I had no idea about the family account we had so I asked my family what I need to do. My daughter requested me to wait for couple of days to show solidarity with the striking Amazon employees, so here I am without buying anything again.

    1. Thanks friend – you’re right. Hard to do, but so important to try for. Oh yes prime day is literally amazing!! And hmm I haven’t heard anything about the strike!! I will have to research that. Thanks for bringing it to my attention! Hugs and love xox

    1. Thanks friend – you’re right, I am very blessed to have such a great dad 🙂 thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

    1. Thank you so much!! Oh no!! That’s awful! I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. Be safe! Hugs and love xox

  39. You struggling to “be authentic”? . . .maybe. Maybe he is also. Hmmmm.

    The first thing in a marriage is the relationship, second to God (Jesus, Spirit). The relationship more important then where you live, food to eat, job to work at — although these things are important as well.

    For a relationship to work, it has to be first.

    Your relationship with God, his relationship with God and God form a “trinity” in marriage.

    We are fashioned in God’s image: male and female. And in marriage what was 2 “becomes one”. -Jeff

    1. Yeah a lot harder to do it out from behind the keyboard. Haha you’re so right about that – that trinity of a Christ-centered relationship. Thanks again Jeff. Hugs and love xox

    1. Thanks so much!! Yeah my Dad is one of a kind 🙂 I’m very blessed. Hugs and love xox

  40. Most often, folks who “write” about things of the heart are hypothesizing. Romantics that imagine what “True Love” is.
    Your dad is right, be true to yourself, genuine, authentic.
    It is also normal, once we have had negative experiences, to be a little gun-shy next time around. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying: “Once bitten, twice shy.”
    Better to be single than in a bad relationship…and if it doesn’t feel right, then maybe you shouldn’t be in it.
    God gave us the ability to discern…But it is up to us to use His gifts.
    Never sell yourself short Beauty, You are a Daughter of God, Your prayers have been heard, now be still and wait upon the Lord.
    Namaste

    1. Yeah my dad was pretty spot on. Thank you for this powerful perspective. Amen – be still and wait on the Lord! Such truth! Hugs and love xox

    1. Thanks Ian, I appreciate your kind words. I definitely don’t hold it against the great continent and country of Australia!! Haha Hugs and love xox

  41. I am sorry your heart was broken. I’m so glad that you shared your heart and you shared it on your blog. I’ve been worried about keeping my caseworker happy over my blog. You are right, you have to keep yourself happy.

    1. Thanks Amanda, I appreciate that. Amen to that. I actually have so much peace in moving forward having sent that note. Big hugs to you xox

  42. Now. I know we’ve all heard of narcissism but have you heard of vulnerable narcissism? The inner workings of our heads promote certain traits that eventually become behaviors that limit choice. Not so much, victimization as ‘poor you’ but creating the limitation because you may feel you deserve it as, ‘bad you.’ They sound, similar but the behaviors are quite different in who is projecting them. It’s usually linked to a past childhood trauma. Sorry. Yes, dating is hard, and stuff. 😳😬

    1. what an interesting perspective. Never heard of it. Mulling it over. thanks Kenzie

      1. It’s, in the clinical medicine journals. A small hobby of mine. It’s a part of ED but, not how we’d believe it. Like, mostly just as vanity. Maybe, it was at one time. The remnants, leftovers are this unsettled anxiousness toward anything and everything. My friend’s kid, they’re extra religious, we all prayed and sat down to eat. She, wanted waffles but so did everyone else. She immediately gave hers up. I smiled through my teeth. Made more waffles. She refused. Like, she wasn’t worthy. I was like, it’s just waffles but it looked like this inner battle inside her. She wound herself up. She started to cry. I sat her down. Made her some tea. Cut waffles. Made peanut butter. Leftover birthday cake. I said, I’m not small I’ll eat what you don’t feel like. 😂😁 I know. You know? She’s got it. It’s not the food it’s a bunch of things but every misstep is an important reference point. On a lighter note, all my friends are going to Manhattan in October. I’m skipping. I have to do some repairs on my motorcycle.

      2. My mind. Is a gift. I never really, got to use it. You are, enough. Pour le meilleur ou pour le pire. For, better or worse. 👌

  43. Win for Dad!!! Beautiful post. I do believe behind all the false eyelashes, painted on eyebrows, and cliche personalities lies some wonderful people waiting – no screaming – to breathe and be released. If women could truly understand their beauty and the delicacy with which they were created and that what people really want to know is WHO are you… not your hobbies or habits, career or chosen persona… WHO are you underneath all the masks and makeup, oh how the world would change!! Wishing you the best with your new journey. It’s scary as all heck at first and then… just amazing!!!

    1. Win for dad indeed! thanks so much Shell 🙂 you’re so right about that – WHO you are — amen!! Thanks so much for the encouragment! means the world! hugs ox

  44. I can understand why you said what you did at the time. I’ve put up that wall many times in my life. Like you, afterwards I regretted it and wished that Ihad shown my vulnerability. Perhaps Mr. Australia will show himself again in your life. It may be meant to be but maybe not. But I know you will okay either way!❤️

    1. Thank you so much for the kind words! You’re so right – either way I am truly at peace and moving on! 🙂 And thank you for sharing your heart. big hugs to you friend xox

  45. Wow! I’m sorry for the pain you’ve experienced due to the heartbreak. But I’m still glad for being the authentic you that you are and proving it to your self too. Be happy!

    1. thank you so much for your kind words. Yes! be happy and at peace for sure! hugs xox

  46. I seriously love you. Authenticity is something I crave, and yet, it’s so much easier said than done. Thank you for your beauty and inspiration in my life…. I need to share you and your blog with my friends on social media!!!! Love and blessings ♥️🙏🏻

    1. Oh my gosh you’re so sweet, thank you so much for saying that. it means the world 🙂 And I’m very appreciative of you passing my blog along! I’m honored you’d share it with your peeps! 🙂 hehe big ginormous hugs to you! xo

  47. I also struggle with perfectionism and while it didn’t manifest itself as an eating disorder; your blog is such a blessing to me❤️. I didn’t even realize how high and strong my walls are in most relationships!! I’m just learning to pull them down in my relationship with my parents! Imagine that? I like what your wise dad said about being authentic. It’s not easy but I think the experience on the other side of that vulnerability is totally worth it.

    1. Thank you for sharing your heart. I’m so glad my blog resonates with you! I feel you there. Yeah, not easy but totally worth it! hugs xox

  48. I can relate being cool and in control, and not showing vulnerability to someone I truly cared for. I ended up losing him! Don’t make my mistake… be confident, have boundaries, but be vulnerable and true to your feelings. ❤️

    1. THanks so much for sharing your heart. I’m so sorry to heart that. I appreciate the great advice. Same to you!! Our people are out there! 🙂 big hugs xo

  49. Wow I mean wow! Kudos to you for telling him how you feel. I can see how much it took to stay calm. You were able think it through and handle the situation. Thank you for sharing this story with us.

    1. Thank you so much Sara for you kind words 🙂 I appreciate your encouragement. Big big hugs to you xox

  50. Caralyn – from someone who understands what it is to build protective walls around their heart – I would like to assure you that you will find The One who will allow you to naturally and authentically let them down for. I know you have found that already in Our Lord – but I also know the man who God is preparing for you will eliminate this automatic knee-jerk protection mechanism from you. And when this man is revealed to you ‘all of this’ will make perfect sense. Trust in Him. Hugs & Blessings to you until that appointed time – from someone who knows. 😘

    1. Thank you so much Dawn, for this beautiful encouragement. You’re so right – when it’s right, that knee-jerk reaction won’t be there! Because it will be God’s plan! amen — trust 🙂 thanks so much for the kind words, my dear friend! big big hugs xox

  51. It’s hard to be authentic with the temptation of being picture perfect on Instagram and FB and other social media sites. The world used to be a very private place and when 2 people were in love only they knew what was happening….hearts will mend with time…

    1. THank you Jeanne, you’re so right about htat — there’s a lot of pressure from Social Media! I appreciate the encouragement. big hugs xo

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