Heartbreak Hindsight

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

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Care, in the Wild

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OK enough housekeeping…onto tonight’s post!

Heartbreak. It sucks. We’ve all felt it. Taylor Swift has even managed to make a career off of it. But it is a right of passage that will chew you up, spit you out, and leave you in a world of hurt.

This past Thursday, I found myself in the back of a cab absolutely bawling my eyes out. We’re talking, mascara down the cheeks, chest shaking sobs, and full-body sniffles that made my driver incredibly uncomfortable. And to be 100% honest, the degree of my feelings caught me inconceivably off guard.

Believe it or not, for as irresponsibly open I am about a lot of things on this blog, there are a few things that I keep close to my chest. But first let me just preface – this post has a purpose other than sharing a gratuitously emotional story time, I promise. So just stick with me — it has a point.

To set the scene: there is a gentleman…”Australian Boy” from a previous post. Well, things have been…complicated. They were super on for a while, and then when I told him I would never move to Australia, as you can imagine, things became really muddled, and we took some time to figure out where to go from here.

Well, enter Thursday, I hear from Mr. Australia, that he wants to meet for a drink. Well, my heart, of course, flutters, as in our time apart, I had felt my soul soften to ideas about the future that I had never before considered. So I show up ready to possibly rekindle what was a truly special connection.

I certainly did not expect to learn that the purpose of the date was to inform me that he was moving back to Australia. For good.

And in that moment, it was as though I switched into acting mode. I switched off my “emotion valve,” put on a happy-for-you mask, and went into default mode of: guarding my heart with Fort Knox.

Me, walls up

I brushed it off. I swallowed hard the lump that was forming in my throat, and instead I played the “cool girl” card with a brave face. The entire time, in my head thinking, “Care, you cannot be the girl that cries. You cannot let him see you hurting.”

Ugh, it was just awful. AWFUL. I left that night, having not expressed how sad I was to see him go, or sharing how much our relationship had meant. He clearly was trying to get that out of me, sharing his heart – but in that moment I was trying to be the person I thought I was supposed to be: cool, aloof, and unfazed.

As soon as I got into the privacy of a cab – the waterworks started flowing, and they came hard.

And so, like any millennial, I called my parents — they’re the best listeners, and always know just what to say to calm my spirit.

My dad said something really profound to me, (which, if you’ve read this far, thank you – you’ve made it – this is the point of this whole post), that I knew I had to share. Because it was such a truth bomb, that it really made me reconsider absolutely everything.

He said, “Care, part of why you’re so upset is that you weren’t authentic with him. Screw what other people may think…you have to be true to yourself. You have to be authentic.”

Be authentic.

It is so simple, and so elementary. And yet – one of the most difficult things for me to do.

Why is that? Why do I always stress out about saying the perfect thing, wearing the perfect outfit, having the perfect nails, the perfect witty reply to a text, and painfully striving to meet society’s perfect ideals of a “cool girl” love-interest that is emotionally invincible, appropriately unavailable and just mysterious enough to keep a guy interested?

It’s BULLSHIT. Excuse my french. It’s the remnants of my perfectionism from my anorexia creeping in and sabotaging my present!

Here I completely disrespected this guy I genuinely cared about by not letting him see how his departure deeply affected me.

Now, I’m not saying I had to have a full blown Scarlet Ohara-style tantrum in front of him, but for crying out loud — at the very least, Care — express to him how you feel! How you’ll be sad to see him go!

Which, to be fair — I kind of did. BUT I went the route of, “I’m excited for you,” rather than, “I wish you weren’t leaving.“

My dad was absolutely correct. We can be nothing in this life, other than ourselves. Because you know what? Who we are — authentically — is a beautiful thing.

God made my heart, and your heart, and his heart, and all of our hearts — he made them to be precisely unique and individual to us. Every little thing that makes our hearts yearn, or swell, or break, or leap — our hearts are our own unique reflection of the Father’s. And that is the heart that needs to be presented to any potential partner.

Not what Cosmopolitan magazine dictates. Not what the latest Jennifer Anniston rom-com depicts.

No. Our own authentic selves. Because at the end of the day, isn’t that the whole entire point of dating anyway?? To see if your authentic self and his authentic self connect in an authentic way??

After a couple days kicking myself, I did end up writing him a beautiful note, expressing what I really wanted to say in the moment. Just a quick letter of gratitude for the time we shared, and the sadness to see such a quality gentleman leave, while also wishing him the best. And doing so was the precise closure I needed for myself.

That was what my authentic self needed to do. Maybe Cosmo would say that’s being too emotionally “needy” or “crazy” or whatever – but it’s who I am. God gave me this heart, and I’m going to darn well express it.

I just had to wipe a tear from my cheek. I guess I really did care for Mr. Australia. I guess sometimes you never really know what you want until it’s gone.

Anyway. I’m going to try to start taking that approach of being authentic, not just in dating, but in every aspect of my life.

So thanks, dad. You’re always right. (Insert a loving eye-roll)

“This is what the Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.” Ez 37:5

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

203 thoughts on “Heartbreak Hindsight”

    1. Thank you so much!! Oh no!! That’s awful! I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. Be safe! Hugs and love xox

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  3. You struggling to “be authentic”? . . .maybe. Maybe he is also. Hmmmm.

    The first thing in a marriage is the relationship, second to God (Jesus, Spirit). The relationship more important then where you live, food to eat, job to work at — although these things are important as well.

    For a relationship to work, it has to be first.

    Your relationship with God, his relationship with God and God form a “trinity” in marriage.

    We are fashioned in God’s image: male and female. And in marriage what was 2 “becomes one”. -Jeff

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    1. Yeah a lot harder to do it out from behind the keyboard. Haha you’re so right about that – that trinity of a Christ-centered relationship. Thanks again Jeff. Hugs and love xox

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  5. Most often, folks who “write” about things of the heart are hypothesizing. Romantics that imagine what “True Love” is.
    Your dad is right, be true to yourself, genuine, authentic.
    It is also normal, once we have had negative experiences, to be a little gun-shy next time around. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying: “Once bitten, twice shy.”
    Better to be single than in a bad relationship…and if it doesn’t feel right, then maybe you shouldn’t be in it.
    God gave us the ability to discern…But it is up to us to use His gifts.
    Never sell yourself short Beauty, You are a Daughter of God, Your prayers have been heard, now be still and wait upon the Lord.
    Namaste

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    1. Yeah my dad was pretty spot on. Thank you for this powerful perspective. Amen – be still and wait on the Lord! Such truth! Hugs and love xox

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    1. Thanks Ian, I appreciate your kind words. I definitely don’t hold it against the great continent and country of Australia!! Haha Hugs and love xox

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  7. I am sorry your heart was broken. I’m so glad that you shared your heart and you shared it on your blog. I’ve been worried about keeping my caseworker happy over my blog. You are right, you have to keep yourself happy.

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    1. Thanks Amanda, I appreciate that. Amen to that. I actually have so much peace in moving forward having sent that note. Big hugs to you xox

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  8. Now. I know we’ve all heard of narcissism but have you heard of vulnerable narcissism? The inner workings of our heads promote certain traits that eventually become behaviors that limit choice. Not so much, victimization as ‘poor you’ but creating the limitation because you may feel you deserve it as, ‘bad you.’ They sound, similar but the behaviors are quite different in who is projecting them. It’s usually linked to a past childhood trauma. Sorry. Yes, dating is hard, and stuff. 😳😬

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      1. It’s, in the clinical medicine journals. A small hobby of mine. It’s a part of ED but, not how we’d believe it. Like, mostly just as vanity. Maybe, it was at one time. The remnants, leftovers are this unsettled anxiousness toward anything and everything. My friend’s kid, they’re extra religious, we all prayed and sat down to eat. She, wanted waffles but so did everyone else. She immediately gave hers up. I smiled through my teeth. Made more waffles. She refused. Like, she wasn’t worthy. I was like, it’s just waffles but it looked like this inner battle inside her. She wound herself up. She started to cry. I sat her down. Made her some tea. Cut waffles. Made peanut butter. Leftover birthday cake. I said, I’m not small I’ll eat what you don’t feel like. 😂😁 I know. You know? She’s got it. It’s not the food it’s a bunch of things but every misstep is an important reference point. On a lighter note, all my friends are going to Manhattan in October. I’m skipping. I have to do some repairs on my motorcycle.

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      3. My mind. Is a gift. I never really, got to use it. You are, enough. Pour le meilleur ou pour le pire. For, better or worse. 👌

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  9. Win for Dad!!! Beautiful post. I do believe behind all the false eyelashes, painted on eyebrows, and cliche personalities lies some wonderful people waiting – no screaming – to breathe and be released. If women could truly understand their beauty and the delicacy with which they were created and that what people really want to know is WHO are you… not your hobbies or habits, career or chosen persona… WHO are you underneath all the masks and makeup, oh how the world would change!! Wishing you the best with your new journey. It’s scary as all heck at first and then… just amazing!!!

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    1. Win for dad indeed! thanks so much Shell 🙂 you’re so right about that – WHO you are — amen!! Thanks so much for the encouragment! means the world! hugs ox

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  11. Look at your posts about the your dating life Care, I’m pretty much reminded of my own currently situation.

    Dating – What am I looking for?

    If I can have hope, you can too. You’re beautiful, witty, charming, and Mr. Australia is gone now, but soon someone will come in and make your world brighter again. 🙂

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  12. I can understand why you said what you did at the time. I’ve put up that wall many times in my life. Like you, afterwards I regretted it and wished that Ihad shown my vulnerability. Perhaps Mr. Australia will show himself again in your life. It may be meant to be but maybe not. But I know you will okay either way!❤️

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    1. Thank you so much for the kind words! You’re so right – either way I am truly at peace and moving on! 🙂 And thank you for sharing your heart. big hugs to you friend xox

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  13. Wow! I’m sorry for the pain you’ve experienced due to the heartbreak. But I’m still glad for being the authentic you that you are and proving it to your self too. Be happy!

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  14. I seriously love you. Authenticity is something I crave, and yet, it’s so much easier said than done. Thank you for your beauty and inspiration in my life…. I need to share you and your blog with my friends on social media!!!! Love and blessings ♥️🙏🏻

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    1. Oh my gosh you’re so sweet, thank you so much for saying that. it means the world 🙂 And I’m very appreciative of you passing my blog along! I’m honored you’d share it with your peeps! 🙂 hehe big ginormous hugs to you! xo

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  15. I also struggle with perfectionism and while it didn’t manifest itself as an eating disorder; your blog is such a blessing to me❤️. I didn’t even realize how high and strong my walls are in most relationships!! I’m just learning to pull them down in my relationship with my parents! Imagine that? I like what your wise dad said about being authentic. It’s not easy but I think the experience on the other side of that vulnerability is totally worth it.

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    2. Thank you for sharing your heart. I’m so glad my blog resonates with you! I feel you there. Yeah, not easy but totally worth it! hugs xox

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  16. I can relate being cool and in control, and not showing vulnerability to someone I truly cared for. I ended up losing him! Don’t make my mistake… be confident, have boundaries, but be vulnerable and true to your feelings. ❤️

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    1. THanks so much for sharing your heart. I’m so sorry to heart that. I appreciate the great advice. Same to you!! Our people are out there! 🙂 big hugs xo

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  17. Wow I mean wow! Kudos to you for telling him how you feel. I can see how much it took to stay calm. You were able think it through and handle the situation. Thank you for sharing this story with us.

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    1. Thank you so much Sara for you kind words 🙂 I appreciate your encouragement. Big big hugs to you xox

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  18. Caralyn – from someone who understands what it is to build protective walls around their heart – I would like to assure you that you will find The One who will allow you to naturally and authentically let them down for. I know you have found that already in Our Lord – but I also know the man who God is preparing for you will eliminate this automatic knee-jerk protection mechanism from you. And when this man is revealed to you ‘all of this’ will make perfect sense. Trust in Him. Hugs & Blessings to you until that appointed time – from someone who knows. 😘

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    1. Thank you so much Dawn, for this beautiful encouragement. You’re so right – when it’s right, that knee-jerk reaction won’t be there! Because it will be God’s plan! amen — trust 🙂 thanks so much for the kind words, my dear friend! big big hugs xox

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  20. It’s hard to be authentic with the temptation of being picture perfect on Instagram and FB and other social media sites. The world used to be a very private place and when 2 people were in love only they knew what was happening….hearts will mend with time…

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    1. THank you Jeanne, you’re so right about htat — there’s a lot of pressure from Social Media! I appreciate the encouragement. big hugs xo

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  22. Your father was absolutely right. Be yourself. On the other hand I believe God has big plans for you and I don’t think Australia was part of that plan. He has given you such tremendous talent that you use constructively And for the glory of God. You are a true angel and I have seen the posts where you stand up for your beliefs and faith. Don’t be sad because God is saving the best for last.

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    1. I’m so glad you didn’t. 💛 thanks for saying that. I am truly so touched. Wow. What an encouragement. Thank you. Sending the biggest hug you way 💛 have a beautiful weekend my friend xoxb

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