One thing that I don’t think we do enough of, is be still.
Or maybe, that’s just me. But I have an inkling that I’m not alone in my constant busyness and hustle.
But given everything that has happened here in this recent season of life, I’m trying to remedy that. I’m really trying to slow down and carve out time to be still and just sit with God.
Because frankly, I’m lost without Him. I need his guidance and I need His peace covering my life.
But it’s funny, because when we sit with God, He always shows up. Maybe it’ll be a thought that pops into your head, or a verse to look up. For me, I’m always moved to write poetry and somehow the words just flow in perfect ABAB rhyme schemes. But He always shows up. Whether we’ve aware enough to recognize it sometimes a different story. But He always does.
Well, last week, during one of those newly sought after moments of stillness, I was moved to revisit the archives of my blog.
I’ve been writing this little ol’ thing since the beginning of 2015, if you can believe that. And as I was going back, I stumbled upon my old post, “Dear Future Husband.”
And being the newly engaged bride-to-be, I instantly clicked on it, and read the words of a young woman, yearing for love, and trying to trust in the timing of God’s plan even when doing so was proving difficult.
I shared it with Steven, and I wanted to also share it with you. And keep in mind, when I wrote this on October 11, 2015, I already knew Steven. He and I were friends. Funny how God works things out sometimes.
Dear Future Husband,
I do not know who you are yet, but I want you to know that you’re in my heart. My heart, which for a long time has been closed to love, is slowly opening up to that idea. Like a flower blooming towards the sun.
Even though I do not know your face or your name, I feel close to you. Because I pray for you every day.
I pray that, wherever you are in the world, you are being shaped into who you’re made to be. The man after God’s heart.
And I pray that my heart is being prepared to love you, and to receive your love.
You see, there’s something that you need to know about me.
It is hard for me to accept love.
From myself, from others, and, yes, you.
But I am praying for God to transform my heart so that I will be able to receive it fully.
And I know that He will. I know that once my heart is ready for that, I will meet you, and want to give my heart to you completely.
There’s something else that I want you to know.
I love you.
Sitting here in 2015, I love you — you — whom I do not know.
And my love for you is not just an idea. It is an action.
An action that I live out, everyday. You see, I am saving myself for you.
Is that hard to do? Yes. Is it a sacrifice on a lot of levels? Yes.
I love you enough to wait.
I love myself enough to wait.
In learning to love myself for who I am, I have realized that I truly am precious. Worthy. Enough. And I am worth waiting for. I love myself enough that I am not going to give the amazing gift that I am to just anyone. I am going to save it for you.
Because you are my husband. The man who I will love forever. The man who I will stand and unite with before God.
Lastly, I want you to know that I’m broken goods.
I have been put back together, but I am fragile. And there will be some days that are harder than others.
It is in those times that I ask for patience. Recovery is something that you cannot do for me. Only I can do it. Only He can do it.
So I just ask that you love me through those tough times.
Marriage is a beautiful union. One that is forever. You. Me. And God.
An adventure that I look forward to. An exciting chapter that is yet to come.
So until the day we meet, I will continue to pray for you and love you with my body, mind and spirit. And I will continue to pursue God’s heart as He transforms mine for yours.
Your future wife
Two things struck out to me after reading this today, in 2022.
First: It makes me sad to know that this young girl (me lol) truly believed that she was broken goods. Sitting here today, that’s not how I feel at all. Yes, I have been broken…I was broken…but not any more. I have been freed from all of that guilt and shame I carried around that I thought made me broken. Things that I thought made me unloveable. I have been set free. Jesus set me free — redeemed me from them. And I can honestly say, Steven has played a huge role in loving me through the process of embracing that freedom, and the abundance that comes with it.
Secondly: It’s really beautiful to see, so tangibly, how God works. How amazing it is to see God’s loving heart play out so specifically. Every blog post I write, is somewhat of a prayer, to be honest. I always sit down and say, “Come Holy Spirit, teach me how to write,” and then the words come. So that letter to my future husband, it was my heart’s deepest prayer. And to see God answer that to the fullest extent and beyond — preparing for me the man who has absolutely ignited my life, in the best way possible. My prince among men. The one I have waited my entire life for.
So anyway, before this gets too mushy, I wanted to just share this with you, and hopefully inspire you to be still and examine the ways that God has shown up for you in your life.
Have a beautiful weekend, friends.
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