It’s happening. You swore that this would never happen ever again. You promised yourself over and over and over that you would never go back to that place again. But here you are.
It’s dark. Your mind is not your own. You don’t recognize who you’ve become. Giving into ED made you think you were free and safe and invincible. It was a thrill. It was comfortable. Like going back into old ways.
But now that excitement and rush has crashed and burned and you find yourself in the inferno. You can’t get out. Trapped. Never having felt so low in your life. ED lured you in with his seductive promises, and now that he’s got you where he wants you, he’s just ripping into you with his Lies and tormenting you with abuse.
You think to yourself, “I’m such an utter failure. I’m a disgrace. How did I let myself do this again?! It shouldn’t be a surprise that I couldn’t keep my promise…Because I can never do anything right. I always f#ck everything up. You know what? I deserve this. I deserve this misery because that’s what I’m worth. What’s the point in even trying anymore? I’m just going to screw everything up anyways. I’m just going to fail yet again. I’m just a worthless piece of shit. I disappointment to everyone. What’s the point?
You literally feel absolutely empty. Alone. Exasperated. Fed up. Defeated. Afraid. Like you have nowhere to turn. Nowhere to escape to. You’re stuck. Stuck in this hell. Stuck in this habit. You feel you can’t go on. You’re dejected.
Cry out to Jesus.
You don’t know what to do. You’ve lost all strength to go on. You have nowhere to turn. No one to talk to. Cry out.
You don’t have to know the right words to say. You don’t have to have some perfect prayer or try to hide the fact that you’re absolutely shattered into a million pieces and broken beyond recognition. Just cry out His name. He loves you and accepts you in your brokenness. He knows what you need.
Romans 8:26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through groans that are too deep for words.
We don’t have to know the words to say. All we have to know is that we’re desperate for help. All we have to do is cry out for help from above. Jesus will save us.
Why. Why Lord, why? I need you. Right in this very moment I need you. I can’t do this anymore. I need Your help. I cannot do this by myself. I need Your strength. I need Your courage. I am so utterly disappointed in myself. I am so angry with myself for doing this again. Why?! Whyyy!?? Lord, I’m desperate. I’m so afraid and so defeated. It’s taking all of my strength right now just to close my eyes and go to sleep. It’s taking all my strength to just finish the day. Help me. Free me from this hell. Save me, Lord. Rescue me.
Know that you are never alone.
You may feel like you are. You may be in a dark and terrifying place where you are just getting beaten up by ED left and right. You may have just had a terrible slip up and feel like you’ve just thrown your life away. Thrown recovery away. You feel like there’s no use going on. Feel like there’s no hope for you. But you are never alone.
You don’t have to have the perfect words or memorized prayer.
Sometimes a desperate groan is all you can muster. Just cry out His name. Jesus cares. And loves you. And always hears when His precious child is in distress.
When you feel like there’s nothing left. When hope is gone. When you’ve lost it all. Cry out. In desperation, cry out for help. For love. For strength. For consolation. For rescuing. Cry out. And He’ll come running.