“Are you tired?”
Isn’t that the worst thing someone can say to you?
“Wow, you look tired..”
Seriously though, I feel like, especially in NYC, people are just TIRED.
All the time.
How you doing? Ugh, long day. How’s life? Exhausting.
But there are really two kinds of tired.
There’s body tired. Which, anyone who has gone to Ikea has experienced.
And then there’s soul tired.
And that’s a horse of a different color.
Soul tired. Where you’re worn down, run ragged, feeling like your spirit is a deflated balloon.
During my anorexia, I was soul tired. Or perhaps the better word would be, soul depleted.
I felt as though I was on a treadmill at full speed, and I just couldn’t stop. The strict regimen I had construed for myself surrounding food and exercise and sleep and rituals, the obsessive thoughts about food, the unattainable standards I had set for myself, the web of lies I had spun, the isolation — all of these things wore me down, quite literally, to the bone.
But being soul tired is not exclusive to eating disorders.
Life is not for the weary. Things exhaust us.
Stress about school. Anxiety about paying bills and making ends meet. Fears about this or that. Dealing with rejection or bullying. Harboring anger or jealousy. Or navigating toxic relationships, or fighting addictions, or striving to make a mark on the world, or striving to achieve perfect standards. All these things burden you with a weight that your soul bears.
It’s no wonder we sometimes get the comment, “You look tired.”
It’s easy to feel out of control when you’re soul tired. Easy to slip into the thinking that there’s no hope. No way out. Nothing to cling to. Nowhere to go.
“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.”
That comes from Matthew 11, and you guessed it….it was said by Jesus.
I remember being told this when I was in my disease, and it always made me really angry. It just left me with a bad taste in my mouth.
What a load of crap. What an idealized statement that church ladies say because, jeez — the worst thing going on in THEIR lives is that they ran out of chocolate crullers after Mass on Donut Sunday. How can God seriously help me? Doesn’t He know what I’m going through? There’s no WAY He can make things better.
The words felt empty.
Hollow. Useless. Out of touch. Borderline insulting.
So I rejected it. And as a result I suffered for a lot longer than I needed to. I continued in that cycle of destruction until I was literally at death’s door.
But what I’ve come to learn, is that, there really is rest to be found with Jesus. Peace. Self-control. Hope. Reassurance.
A way out.
Carrying around all the burdens we’re holding onto, it’s no wonder that we’re feeling hung out to dry.
All those things – just let them go. Or more specifically, hand them over.
You don’t have to carry them. He will.
That’s why He carried the Cross.
Because He wanted to endure it, so that WE wouldn’t have to.
Lay down your burdens — all those things that are contributing to the exhaustion of your soul — at His feet, and then crawl into His lap and rest. In His arms.
And yes, I know how incredibly cheesy that sounds, but friends, that is the image that got me through my weight restoration process.
That was the image.
So yes. It is cheesy.
But it is powerful. And it helped me. So I will risk looking like an imbecile, in the hopes that even one person will try imagining that image and receive the comfort and peace that it gave me.
“Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
***A little house keeping: I have officially changed my web address to BeautyBeyondBones.com, as I feel it is more along the lines of my message. Or rather, His message.
When I set out writing this blog, it was to “reveal” what “anorexia” really is like, in order to help parents/friends/etc. understand what their loved one is going through. And though that is still my mission, I think BBB is more along the lines of my current direction.
SO. What this means for YOU: Nothing! You should be redirected here automatically, whether you use AR or BBB. The links in any old Instagram or Twitter posts, and reblogs still work! (And PS thank you to all those beautiful souls that do reblog my stuff. I am truly humbled & grateful). In short, just a new web address!
Love and hugs, warriors.