Walking in the Rain

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Sometimes I forget about the life I once lived. The life I was trapped in eight years ago when I was in the depths of anorexia.

But even though I write about my recovery and the freedom I’ve been given and found in my new life, I don’t really confront or think about that dark period of my life. I focus on the good.

And being in Manhattan is really a big contributing factor of that. It’s been a fresh start for me. A clean slate. A place where there are no shadows from the past following me around. It’s been instrumental to my recovery in a lot of ways.

So, really, my past and my present have never really collided. At least not in this new place I’m in. Not in New York.

Until this weekend.

When I think back to high school, which was when my anorexia developed, if I could personify my experience into a person, it would be one of the captains of our football team. We’ll call him…Frank. So anyway, Frank and I grew up together…neighbors…had been friends since elementary school. And in high school, his house was the party house.

And the perfectionism I developed as a result of my anorexia made it so I wouldn’t drink alcohol. I was dating the other captain of the football team, so I’d go to the parties, but there was no way in hell I’d drink.

Anyways…that was Frank.

And this weekend, I learned that he’s in the city.

And wants to get drinks.

Guys. The last time I saw this guy was when I was 78 pounds and getting shipped off to inpatient. Like, to say I was feeling some anxiety about seeing him again is probably the understatement of the century.

I spent the two days leading up to the get-together completely inside my own head. My past darkness and my current freedom were now colliding — BAM – on my new turf. Those 48 hours sent me back, remembering, all the pain and suffering and enslavement I had during high school to a disease that nearly took my life.

Long story the short, we had a great time. He was genuinely happy to see me and happy to see that I’m living life to the full again. I had nothing to worry about.

That’s not the point of this post.

I want to share what happened the following day.

I woke up the next morning, and I’m not going to lie, I had quite the hangover. Tequila does that. And here’s my remedy that I always do: I take a nice, brisk walk, usually somewhere between 45 minutes to an hour. The fresh air, a green juice, and the endorphin kick usually do the trick to combat the fogginess.


So I was out on my walk, it was a beautiful, blue-sky day, and right when I’m at my turnaround point –30 minutes out– a storm kicks up. And all of a sudden I’m caught in a torrential downpour. I kid you not, this thing came out of nowhere and it was like the rain was coming down sideways it was raining so hard.


And naturally, I didn’t have an umbrella. And I was wearing a knee-length down puffy coat, as one does in the winter in NYC.

So here I am, without an umbrella, without a metro card or wallet, 30 minutes away from my apartment, in the driving rain.

Oh yeah, and I’m on the river, so there was not a building to duck into, either.

So I just conceded to the fact that, welp…I was going to get wet.


And as I was walking home – I don’t know if it was the rain, or the fact that I was afraid of getting electrocuted so I wasn’t listening to any music in my headphones – but my mind found its way back to high school, thinking about all the experiences and joys and relationships I missed out on. I mean, I didn’t walk with my class at graduation because I was at inpatient, I had to drop out of all my extra curriculars, I threw away most of my friendships because I isolated myself with ED. I didn’t even respond to phone calls or call people back. I didn’t partake in any of the parties or tailgates or fun “senior year” traditions because I was so wrapped up in my eating disorder. I went from being a homecoming court, very involved, student athlete with a lot of friends, to a shell of my former existence, wasting away physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially — and to top it all off, I had lost 90% of my hair. And I’m telling you these things, not because I’m fishing for pity or anything like that. I’m just painting a picture for you of what my final two years of high school were like.


But as I was walking home in that head space, getting angrier and more verklempt, I looked up, and there was this gorgeous double rainbow in front of me. I mean, it was vibrant and clear as day. It was the strangest thing, it was pouring cats and dogs, and yet the sun was brilliantly shining and there were the two brightest rainbows I’ve ever seen.


And in that moment, I knew that those rainbows were from God.

I know. Let’s just get the collective eye rolls out of the way right now. I am aware of how cheesy that sounds. Let’s just accept it and move forward.


But we all know the story of Noah and the ark. And how after the flood, God promised Noah that He’d never destroy the earth again. And the rainbow was a sign of that promise.

Well, I saw that rainbow, and I just knew that God was showing me a sign of that promise: that I will never be in that dark place again. That I am in His arms — safe — and He’s never going to let that be a part of my story ever again. Not if I stay in His embrace.

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And I think that rainbow was also communicating something else too.

I think when we’re “caught in the rain” during difficult periods of life, we tend to focus on the rain. Focus on – Crap, I don’t have an umbrella. I’m getting drenched. This sucks. Royally. 


All I had to do was look up. Stop focusing on my wet shoes and soaking wet puffy coat and the cold, and look up. Because there, right in the middle of the darkness, was this brilliant demonstration of His love. A reminder that I’m not alone.

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That rainbow was a reminder that, “Hey, BBB. Look where you are. You survived. I never abandoned you, but saw you through. And hey, look how far you’ve come. You’re not in that dark place anymore. Focus on Me. Not on the storm.”

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So maybe it was just a rainbow. A coincidence. A beautiful display of nature at its finest.

But I don’t know. It’s too coincidental that I had just come off of a weekend where I spent the majority of time thinking about that dark, stormy time in my life, and then seeing Frank, who is the personification of that time — and then the next day to have to walk home in a torrential downpour for 30 minutes, only to experience the brightest double rainbow I’ve ever seen.

It’s just a little too scripted — too providential — to not give it a second thought.

Anywho. That’s all for today. If you’re in the storm, take a breath and look up, because there may just be a double rainbow.

Gardens: stars

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

201 thoughts on “Walking in the Rain”

  2. I really enjoyed this. I was having sort of a dark week. And this was helpful. Not that I can relate to your specific circumstance. However I can relate living in my own issues and having them sneek up on me. Perspective, sometimes we need more than just our own to understand that we will all make it through somehow. And I’ll pray for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. I appreciate your prayers so much. I will definitely pray for you as well. You’re so right. Sometimes seeing the struggles of another can make us see our own in a different light. Thanks for stopping by and for your encouragement! Hugs! Xx

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      1. Not only that. But I have come to realize. People tend to wallow in their misfortunes, not even realizing or forgetting that there’s a whole other world around us.
        It becomes all about us. And I’m so guilty of this as well. Especially as an on again off again Christian.

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      2. I definitely find myself doing that as well. It is an easy habit to get into. But yes, there is a whole world around us. I have to remember that there are so many out there in other parts of the world that don’t have the luxuries we have in a first world country – i.e. Running water, indoor plumbing, Internet etc. but there is a big picture to be seen. Thanks for that reminder:) have a great night! ☺️

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Wonderful post! I think it’s good sometimes to revisit your really difficult times, to remind yourself you made it! And savor how good it feels to be where you are now 🙂

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  7. I’m in a small storm right now. You see, I’m a runner and today I slipped on some ice and my knee is the size of a grapefruit. I’ve been good about being sedentary today and not reading too much into it. Talking with my running coach has helped and she tells me not to stress about it…but I am really sad that tomorrow when I wake up, my knee will probably still hurt and I won’t be able to run. I’m trying to focus on the positive, like it will heal and luckily I don’t have a race till April, but I have some exercise anxiety. Needless to say, I don’t remember a day when I didn’t move. I’m kind of freaked out. Pray for me girl 🙂 ❤

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    1. Hi Ellie! Oh no! I am so sorry to hear about your knee! Gosh that stinks. I hope it’s a speedy recovery. But girl, I GET IT about the exercise anxiety. It wasn’t until I literally was forced to give it up for an entire year (I was on bed rest for ulcerative colitis) that I finally got over the absolute need for working out. I have a much better relationship with it now and barely work out at all – I just take leisurely strolls a couple times a week. But yeah it literally took being in bed rest to fight that lingering aspect. I will so pray for you girl! April is a long ways a way, and the body has an amazing ability to bounce back after injury. It’s amazing. Sending you so much love girl! Hang in there❤️❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  8. This is a truly wonderful post 🙂 Your whole story about how the rainbow symbolized God telling you to promise both him and yourself that you will not return to your old ways 🙂 Beautiful post 🙂 I could go on, but everything you wrote here (as in your other posts) can only be justified in words by you because you have that gift 🙂 Anyway, keep up the great work as always 🙂

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    1. Oh thank you so much John! Gosh, I am humbled. Thank you☺️ maybe it was just a coincidence, but I wouldn’t put it past the Big Man to give me a little nudge of encouragement when I needed it most. Thanks for reading and for sharing your thoughts! Hugs!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I’ve been through my shares of storms — of both the literal and figurative varieties — and have found that each of them has had some kind of silver lining, rainbow, or other positive attribute, although those little blessings have not always been obvious to me in the moment. Good for you for seeing them! And for writing about them. You write with such honesty and poignancy. I’m new to WordPress and always look forward to reading your posts.

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    1. Hi Adrienne! Oh gosh I’m sorry that you’ve had to endorse some storms, but I’m so glad that you were able to find the silver lining! Hindsight is always 20/20. Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. It means the world:) and welcome to WordPress! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Praising God for you and His handiwork therein for another testimony of how much He loves ALL OF US! You are doing the work of an effectual evangelist, you know! Such a gifted writer, and I love all your photo-sayings (what are they called?)

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    1. My goodness thank you for your kind words Deanna! Wow I am just humbled. God is good, that’s all I can say! And yes, He loves us immensely. And thanks! Hah they’re just little word art thingies. They’re a bit of a labor of love Br I enjoy making them:) thanks again! Hugs! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Wow!!! That was great…I think we all have those moments when we think back to our own personal dark times..matter of fact I just did about an hour ago..and thought what?!?! Where did that come from?? Just our friendly neighborhood enemy at work to try and remind us of who we were..then I laughed and said get the heck outta here man u don’t live here anymore. I’m so glad you’re doing well and that you had a great time…even in the rain.

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  13. How powerful. Thank you for sharing your truth. It is meaningful that you’re creating an open discussion around anorexia because there’s so much stigma surrounding it.

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    1. Oh thank you so much ☺️ that really means a lot! You’re right there is so much stigma about it. But it needs to be talked about. I’m trying to work up the courage to stop being anonymous and share who I am. Because I feel such a desire to share that intimate part with this beautiful and supportive community. That’s a big step though. Baby steps. But thanks for reading and sharing your kind words! Hugs!

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    1. Hi Lisa! Thank you so much. Oh I’m so sorry for your loss. Yes, I would have taken it as that too. I find so much comfort knowing that our loved ones are with our Heavenly Father and that we will reunite one day:) thanks for stopping by. Sending love and prayers your way xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Wow! What a beautiful post. I think that it is not a coincidence and your perception is very refreshing. I may have been one of those eye rollers a long long time ago but your honest sharing of life is filled with God’s Providence and helping me and I would think others to relate your journey more closely with our own. Thank you so much!

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  21. Aaaaaaaaaaah what an inspiring post. My eating disoder travels with me wherever I go. I’ve been in active recovery for 4 years and an on the cusp of finally helping others in their struggle.Evertything that I have doen in the past four years has been a success. The one thing I have in my reach and I’m already in the seat to help others and Anorexia has decided to toy with me. I think for most of of my life I was only really successful with Anorexia. All the things about losing friends, not answering phonecalles etc.. losing your health -hair, teeth etc… wa what I was god at. Now I finally have the key to freedom and success in ways I never dreamed possible and the bones of Anorexia success have resurrected from the grave and rattles my skeleton to the core. I have stopped eating . Why am I self sabotaging myself?

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    1. Hi Daisy, thank you for sharing this reflection. I think that ED like to mess with our minds and twist our thinking, making us believe that we “succeed” in our eating disorder, when the truth is, all ED is trying to do is kill us. I know that is blunt, but that is the truth. Anorexia kills. And finding freedom and self love and embracing recovery is the true “success.” I hate the word success because I think there comes a negative notion about winning or losing with it, but in this sense, I think it fits. I pray that you embrace that freedom, because daisy, you are worth it. You deserve to nourish yourself and to live abundantly, free from ED. Please feel free to email me at anytime. Sending love to you, precious girl. Hugs xox

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  23. GREAT TESTIMONY, God Lives in the Praise of His People. Keep Your Focus on your Hope not your circumstances. Loved the openness of your message and graphic imagery.

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  27. BBB, praise Jesus, beloved!

    I believe Abba Father is perfectly able to use His creation to speak to us of His eternal truth in precise moments like the one you shared with us in this post. When He speaks a word into our hearts like the one you received, it’s powerful.

    You are a warrior daughter of our Most High God! I esteem your fearlessness to be so transparent.

    You are a blessed blessing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow JT, thank you so much for your kind words! It truly means a lot:) God is good and His love and mercy flows to all of us through the Holy Spirit. Thanks for stopping by and for your wonderful words of affirmation! Have a great day!

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      1. Thank YOU!

        Though I do not have personal experiences with ED, I’ve women in my life who do. But, the lies of the enemy attack the loveliness of women in varied ways and my past has not been without attack on my worth and value.

        You write in a way, and from your personal experiences, that gets to those root issues. You are oozing Holy Spirit inspired and I am honored to be your sister in Christ!

        I hope your day is filled with love and joy and peace, mami chula 😉

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      2. Thank you JT:) Yes, that is one of the enemy’s great forms of attack is against a woman’s value and worth in her eyes. But thankfully we have Someone who whispers to us our worth and loves us no matter what. Again, thank you for your readership. Sending love and hugs your way!

        Liked by 1 person

  28. You are a constant source of amazement and inspiration. Personally, I never roll my eyes, because I know. Well done, as always, JD. Your words always entertain, but never for the entertainment value itself. The message is always powerful and on point.

    You got me with ‘verklempt’. Had to look that one up. 😉 (psssst….it’s ‘electrocuted’, and I think the only danger would have been to the device itself :-))

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    1. Hey Tony! Oh gosh. Thank you from the bottom of my heart:) haha yeah I love that word verklempt! It sounds exactly like what it is haha! And thanks! I actually published this piece on my phone while I was working 😬 so I didn’t have the proper spellcheck capabilities. I’ll go back and fix that now. Thanks, as always, for your continued readership, Tony and for your insight! Have an awesome day!

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      1. He told me to share that with you. I love His LOVE! Find out how much He truly loves you, get a copy of “The Secret Of The Stairs” by Wade E Taylor. You won’t regret it. 🙂

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  30. Love Love Love this blog! So transparent with your readers! It encouraged me to always look at the good in things rather than focus on the bad. Thank you for writing from your heart and telling your amazing testimony!

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  32. Great blog! It’s wonderful how open and raw you are in your blogs. I feel this is an endearing quality that so many are unable to accomplish, but for those that have the faith and strength to do so realize such a peaceful and freeing state of mind because of it. I am very proud of you for where you are today in Christ and for never giving up! May the peace that surpasses all understanding guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus, amen!

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      1. Amen! To God goes all the glory. Be well and continue to inspire others with the unique testimony and gifts that He has given you!

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  33. What an incredible testimony Beauty, to the power of God’s redeeming Love. You have worth simply because you exist, not because mankind has a list to what you should strive to be. Because God loved and desired to create you even before the world began (Psalm 139). That should be enough. So proud of the woman you have become and the shining light that draws others to you. Blessings,

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    1. Thank you so much Ellie! Wow your words bring my heart so much warmth and love. Thank you for that. Yes, God is so good and gracious and loving and I owe absolutely everything to Him. Thanks for stopping by! Have a beautiful day!

      Liked by 1 person

  34. beautiful words and reminder as I am struggling with my own personal darkness still. Sometimes it just takes that little reminder to look UP..thank you! ❤

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  37. Thank you for being so open and honest about the dark depths anyone who’s had an eating disorder can find themselves in. Once again I could totally relate and I’m just so pleased that you are recovering in the embrace of Gods love and enjoying all the blessings he has stored up for you.

    I have come across rainbows before and definitely consider them a promise from God- in that wet, stormy walk, Gods promise shone upon you as a reminder of how much he loves you, where he’s brought you from and how he’s with you all the time. It’s almost like he’s reminding you that everything’s going to be okay! 🙂

    May God continue to bless you x

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    1. Hey Cheryl😻 I so agree. I definitely felt God smiling on me through that rainbow. Because yes, he DOES love us and is always with us. Thanks again for such thoughtful words. Your responses always bring my heart so much joy. So thank you for that. I am grateful:) have a wonderful evening! Xox

      Liked by 1 person

  39. I can relate to your post, not due to the same circumstance but from my own…most certainly! Thank you for sharing, I’m in a path right now in which I am searching for that last piece to my puzzle…you know… I’ve been wondering what it is for the past five years and the funny thing is that I’ve known all along what it is… I’ve just been afraid to accept something I made the decision to distance myself from a long time ago. Anyway, I’m sure my comment won’t make a lot of sense to you and the point is that it helped me realize that it’s time to make that next step. You never know where you’ll find the next clue huh?!
    Best of luck! I look forward to exploring your blog.
    XO,
    A

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    1. Hi Ahidee, thank you for such a heartfelt reflection. You know, I actually know exactly what you mean. For a long time I knew I needed recovery and knew that’s what was best for me and would save my life but I did NOT want it. Adamantly. But it was honestly the best decision of my life and I probably wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for that decision. I will definitely keep you in my heart during your jouney❤️☺️❤️ thanks for reading xx

      Liked by 1 person

  42. Wow; what a story, and so well told. It was a great way to recovery, and to find God. Not all anorexia stories are like this. I new several young women who survived anorexia, and they have to be vigilant about relapsing. One very good friend of mine, was in and out of hospital for a few years, and eventually put onto dope to help cure her, a habit that she has never been able to give up, but at least she is still alive and contributing wonderful ideas and projects to society. I have asked for years to write this all down, so that others can use her story and information as a help, but she has not been able to, so it is great that you have been able to share this. Best wishes and blessings, Charles.

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    1. Thanks Charles. I appreciate your encouraging words. I’m sorry to hear that your friend struggles with relapsing. Eating disorders are definitely difficult to weed out of life. I continually have to choose recovery myself. It’s an everyday decision. Thanks for reading! Hugs!

      Liked by 1 person

  45. Beautiful. What an amazing testimony you have. You have overcome so much! God loves to surprise us with His love in unexpected ways, doesn’t He? 🙂

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  48. Beautiful post. I’m currently sharing my stories from my past with ED’s and as hard as it can be to write about, it’s the therapy that I never thought I needed. I’m so glad you found your rainbows :).

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  49. For those of us with faith, no proof is needed. For those without faith, no amount of proof is possible (maybe). Yes, those double rainbows were for you. You see in the world what is inside you. You can see God everywhere. I do, too. The trick is learning to tune out the world’s noise and distraction. My blog helps me do this. I think yours does as well. Very nice to meet you. Be well, stay well.

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  50. Your ability to turn something negative into a positive is empowering. Your journey to recovery is inspirational. You’re such a role model to so many who are trapped in situations not only by ED, but by depression or anxiety. Love your blog!
    M
    x

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