Honesty Hour

I’m going to be honest with y’all.

I’ve been feeling really restless in my heart recently.

No, it’s not because we’re heading into the Final Four and my bracket is malarky.

Not because I’m anxiously awaiting the new Backstreet Boys/NSYNC/98 Degrees movie that’s set to come out soon.

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((Be still my preteen heart))


Not because the presidential candidates have got me (and apparently a plethora of other weary Americans) ready to jump ship and move to Canada.

No.

My heart is restless because of wondering when God is going to show me His plan for my life.

And it’s funny because, as I type this, the direction of this post is going to go in a completely different direction than I set out to write….so, thank you Holy Spirit for that gentle nudge.

I’ve kept it on the DL, but I was cast last year in a feature film trilogy. Filming on location, out of state during the entire summer. And starting in May, I had to report on set.

Now, I’m not “green” — I’m well aware that many projects fall through, so I knew not to get excited until I was on the plane with the check in my hand.

Hashtag: ShowMeTheMoney

 

Anyways, there were signs and certain things that made me believe that this was, in fact, going to happen. Sure enough signs that I told my boss that I was going to need the summer off.

Well, I got an email last week that the project has been postponed for an entire year. And the better part of my brain adds the addendum — “if it happens at all.”

So I was disappointed to say the least.

OK, God. I’m just waiting for You to show up and tell me why You pulled the rug out from under me? I thought this was something You wanted me to do?

And then there’s the boys.


There are a couple interesting prospects in my life on the romance front. But, being in the old fashioned campI do not text boys first. I wait for them to contact me.

And I’m really feeling like my heart is ready for love. So again…

Dear God, Hello from the other side! I must have called a thousand times! I’m just waiting for you to show me who I’m supposed to open my heart to! Kthanksbye!

 

So I’m restless. Feeling like I’m kinda flailing, waiting for God to show me His plans for my life.

But here’s how funny God works. As I’m writing this, I’m given a little whisper.

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And I know this might sound a little batty, but whatever…I’m just going to share with you what I’m hearing right now:

God is revealing His will for my life. Right now. It just might not be how I think it’s supposed to look. It might not be my timing. It might not be packaged and wrapped up in a neat little bow. But it’s His plan. And His timing.


The fact is, He’s given me this blog, and instilled a true passion in my heart to share how He legitimately saved my life from a severe case of anorexia.

He’s given me time with my friends this summer. Instead of being on location for three months, I’m going to be able to nurture my heart with my friends, which has been so life-giving and important to my recovery.

He’s given me a job that allows me time to take care of myself and my needs, as well as allow me time to blog.

And most importantly, He’s given me my health. I’m healthy. I’m not enslaved to ED anymore. I’m not in an Ulcerative Colitis flare. Sure, I may have to take certain measures to put my health first, but He empowers me to do that.


So though I may feel as though I’m like Sandra Bullock in Gravity, drifting at the moment, questioning God’s plan for my life…the fact is, He is at work. My measly little earthy eyes just can’t always recognize how blessed I am. At least not at the hyper speed I tend to live.

Anywho. Time to shut down the computer for the night. Take a little respite from the glow of my Mac in the midnight hour and get some sleep.

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Being restless is a choice. But so is being intentional. So is being still. So is reflecting and choosing peace.

And those things, when practiced, can overpower the restlessness.

“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

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389 thoughts on “Honesty Hour

  1. I hope the movies still pan out for you! Thanks for sharing; I’m right with you on wondering what’s next and what I should do about it. So glad I came across your blog. I’ve no experience in ED, but I certainly know what it’s like to struggle!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Such an honest heartfelt post. I’ve been feeling that same lately, like I’m drifting, trying to find my direction. I have faith that we will both find our way. Hugs to you.

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  3. If we feel anxious in the doing, it’s usually because we are forcing ourselves onto the world. When we rest in him, we project love into the world, and find peace in the doing.

    Keep shining, sister!

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  4. Okay. I read this post before and really enjoyed it. I enjoyed it so much that I just read it again. Now I am back to let you know 🙂 Though my “like” feels like it’s lost int he crowd, and my comment way back there in the back, you have a wonderful way of bringing people to the front.

    I truly feel the same way about life. Only, my life has been drifting for years. To the point of wanting to just fall off the edge of the world. (Oh yeah, the world is supposedly round) Then, there I was. Waiting for…for anything to just happen and then…God happened. Now my life is upside down and inside out and everything has so much meaning and beauty but, at the same time, I have no idea where I stand within it all. Like a roller coaster that is going up the long hill and, well, soon I’m going to go down the other side and I have no idea how steep it is or,,, wait a minute, this is your blog. What am I doing? Just gabbing away on your blog. (slowing sneaking away)

    I really enjoyed your post. 🙂

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    • Haha no no, don’t sneak away! 😎😂 thanks again Matthias:) I love that: God happened. You’re so right-life with God is all over the place. Always an adventure and yet filled with so much joy and peace. Yes there will still be struggles and hard days, but what a comfort to know that even if we do fall, He’ll always be there to catch us. That’s such a comforting thought. And also, even though we may feel like we’re drifting, we’re never out of His sight. Thanks for this great reflection, friend. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 2 people

      • That is the best part. Joy and peace amid the seeming chaos. Though it really isn’t chaos. It just seems to be. What will the Lord put on my agenda when I wake up tomorrow. Before God was welcome in my life yes, he may have been watching but I just woke up to nothingness. Now I have no idea what bright light bulb the Lord will place above my head each morning, guiding me on a new adventure within the day while, at the same time, being at peace within. That is the amazing part. You are so right. Okay, I won’t sneak away. 🙂 I will just gab away. I’m good at that. 🙂

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      • It just hit me. “Choreographed chaos”. A perfect and also wonderful description! Have a beautiful night. May the Lord bless you with much peace, joy and happiness on the wonderful path to His glory.

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  5. In a moment of weakness I read this post. What you say is exactly right! Thanks for the reminder. God bless. I hope you and believe that God will grant you your righteous desires 🙂

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  6. Great read I feel exactly the same he who began a good work is faithful to complete it …he wants us to lean our entire human personality on him in complete trust and reliance that his plans his ways are higher than our own. …keep the faith

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Great post! Sounds like you are on the right path! Continue pushing forward with Good intentions and I’m certain you will find all your dreams and goals attainable! Hold your head up, you’re doing great!

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  8. You’re not alone in the restless feeling you are having either… believe me! Another great post. For everything there is a season… this always helps me when I find myself in the throws of restlessness.

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  9. “It may not be my timing” is the phrase everyone needs at some point in their lives. It struck me after reading this that we are all waiting for something. What is it they say, ‘God works in mysterious ways’? Be patient, dear one. Breathe and let God reveal His plan for you in His perfect time. I love this. Thank you for writing! ❤️, Z

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  10. Drifting can be a time when God shapes us to receive the purpose he has for us. Doing some of the same right now. What’s important is to keep your spiritual habits intact – keep praying and reading Scripture, not with an agenda of getting out of the in-between times (hard to fight that feeling down) but simply to better know and glorify God. And to know that you are loved because God is loving, not because you are doing anything in particular. Thanks for sharing the honesty and the questions it generates. Prayers for you this morning.

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  11. Good for you to realize that just because human plans change doesn’t mean God’s given up or isn’t doing something. “It’s not about the waiting,” Joyce Meyer says, “it’s how you behave while you’re waiting.” 🙂

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  12. Be still is good words for all us to hear when we get restless. I remember wrestling with God so to speak over my future for about a year after graduating Bible college back in 2011. My life felt like it was in limbo waiting for something—or something to happen—but it seemed to be taking forever to to so.
    I remember being so foolish as to attempt to argue with God like my two year tries when she wants to do something else other than what I asked. But at the time I was a grad, working cheese promos and filling jobs at the office as a graphic designer. I was sunday school teacher for young preteen girls, but not much else was happening.
    I know I needed to be doing more, but impatience gets the best of me a lot.
    Perhaps I can say our soul gets a little “antsy” when we feel something is comming, but we’re a little afraid it might not happen. Or we have hopes of something happening and worried God’s plan might not be as good as we think.
    It took a whole year of this limbo that I had to wait—remember Eve’s comma? But waiting for what I never really knew until my first trip in a long while to my home state with the man who (unbeknownst to me) would spend his time there during that week asking family if it would be okay to chase after me. Even after this trip it would still be a few more months before he would ever ask and six more (what seemed like agonizing) months of waiting until he asked the big question. I was pushing 29 at the time and worried God would never let me be a wife or motherlike I wanted until after I was 30. Way to push the timer there!
    But even so it was a waiting period. perhaps my whole life has been filled with waiting periods—or commas—pauses for the next thing, good, difficult, or otherwise.
    Keep doing what your doing. when your feeling restless write or talk to God. He’ll listen even when we’re being brash about it. And just as He did while you were writing this, He will guide you to what it good, and perfect, and right, all in good time. Keep living in your pause. Take in all you can now. You wont regret it. And maybe perhaps you’ll be able to laugh a little at how you thought about things before they came to be. God’s funny about reminding us of these things. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for this heartfelt reflection. There’s so much wisdom here. You’re right-God will definitely guide us to what is good and in His plan. Waiting for His timing is always so difficult but you’re right, they’re just pauses for the next good thing. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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  13. Hm. Wow. I have to thank you for sharing this. I had to / chose to turn down a film mini series shooting this summer in order to go home and work with an outpatient team for another round of recovery. I have a lot of shame and worry about this – why I keep needing to prolong my acting career in lieu of my eating disorder and why it won’t go away to let me do what I’m supposed to do. But I can’t go into that mindset. I have to believe that things will happen when they are supposed to and that each moment – even this summer as I work to recovery – is meant to happen. Who knows what doors will be opened now that this film has fallen through?? ❤

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    • Thank you so much. I appreciate the encouragement. Yeah, putting our health first, even when it means turning down stuff is always hard, but I applaud you for doing that. Something good will come along:) thanks for these kind words! Sending hugs and love xox

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  14. All I can think of right now is, wow. I’m so glad that your blog was the first one I read. This world is desperately crying out for those Christians who not only love God, but are transparent about their journey in this life with Him. I appreciate your post and pray that those who are searching, find what they are looking for through your words.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. God’s plan s always perfect, and always for our good. Who am I to question what he decides to allow in my life? He is the Almighty God, creator of the universe, and f he decides that he will allow cancer in my life (which He has), than I must align with His will and go through it. Can he heal me? Absolutely! Will He heal me? will leave that in His hands. In the meantime, I will praise Him, I will glorify Him, I will be faithful to Him. Job said “Though he slay me, yet I will trust Him”

    You are on a good path, my friend. he will bring you through to a good conclusion. Don;t ever let anyone tell you that you are anything but blessed, because you are, if you have accepted Him as Lord and Savior.

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  16. I just wanted to say that I’m sure that you’re right in the middle of God’s plan. Your writing is great and your posts are warm and honest. It’s good to read about EDs from a Christian perspective and whether he leads you on to fame or whether your fame is just seated with your blog readers be sure that this writing and these posts, right now, are touching the hearts and souls of those who have or who have had EDs – and that would include me. I hope you achieve your dreams, but be assured, you are also fulfilling his dream for you now.

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  17. I very much enjoyed your post.Sometimes I feel like Tony from west side story who sang, “could be, who knows, there’s something due, any day, I will know, right away, maybe tonight……..
    That kind of encapsulates my relationship with my Higher Power. My next step will reveal another chapter.
    Stay well
    Moshe

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  18. Now, I know I needed to read this post! The God/Adele interlude was fabulous! 🙂 Thank you for being so honest and sharing what God is doing in your life right now. And thanks for visiting my blog! I appreciate it lots!

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  19. I love the way you write with such honesty, I think that when you share your deepest feelings with the Lord then things begin to happen. I love reading the Psalmists who sometimes shout at God, “Why do you turn your face away from me?” and then God picks them up, dusts them off and sets them on the path he has chosen for them. Blessings Jo

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    • Thanks Jo that really means a lot. I think you’re right. God is always working behind the scenes whether we can see it or not. It’s so comforting to know that His plans are good. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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  20. Awesome and real blog! Thank you for your honest sister. God’s will is such an interesting topic. Most likely each one of us our in the will of God. Just keep seeking Him and you are in God’s will.

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  21. Hi, BBB! A couple of comments. Loved the fact that you recognized that God was speaking to you as you were writing your blog. Not giving you content; but rather, finding you in a receptive mood, He was speaking to YOU. Has happened to me fairly often, and it is awesome, …every time. Now about the guys, and waiting for them to text you, first. Commendable. I have a few years on you. And, I always tell my grand-daughters, and now my great-grand-daughters, that I know who they will marry. (This, usually just before they start dating.) After the back-and-forth of, “No you don’t.” “Yes, I do!” “No, you don’t. How can you?” “Well, I just do!” (Then what I’ve been waiting for) “O.K. So, who am I going to marry?” “Someone you date!”

    So, you are a Christian. Are the “interesting prospects” Christian, as well? I ask because if not, you may not get any guidance from God. He has already told you that you should not get romantically involved with “un-marriageable material”. Makes for some difficult situations and decisions. And, it’s easy to say “we’re just friends”–after-all, we are supposed to show love (Christian love) to others, but, be cautious of who you date. Wow, I guess I sound like your father, grand-father, or ggf. Sorry! I have no right. (I do have experience, however. Twice divorced, three marriages. Celebrating 39-years in July.)

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  22. Awesome article, thanks for sharing.. God is always with us, and He operates on His time, but I truly believe the Holy Spirit stays with us and directs us. God Bless…

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  23. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12 <== Oh how His faithful ones know this so very well. He's molding and shaping us into His image, but how the longing can hurt. Feeling like Moses in the desert, on a shelf. Our dreams – now you see me, now you don't.

    And you're not old fashioned to want a godly man to pursue you, you're in line with God's heart in the matter – a timeless God who's ways never expire, never grow old. Have you read the Godwinks books, especially the one called When God Winks on Love by SQuire Rushnell. It really encouraged me.

    I won't settle for less than a godly man whose heart is completely Jesus' – so I wait. I'd rather wait than become one with a son of the enemy – a wolf in sheep's clothing.

    I pray that God brings your dreams to pass and that He hedges out all the wrong men from your life as He's the only one who sees the intentions of the heart and that He only allows a true believer with the perfect heart and experiences for you and that you love happily ever after with Christ as the foundation of your lives. God bless!

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  24. You capture well the uncertainty of things, probably higher in your line of work than mine. Nevertheless, we all feel that things tend a certain way, then switch suddenly on a different tack. We assume there is a line that god lays out for each one of us, but that does not take into account The fall. The world is ordered, but there is a modest amount of uncertainty too, a little chaos sometimes, some of it stirred by The Devil. “What would Jesus do?” is a cliché, but has real value. At each cross road, at each sudden upset or disappointment we have to check where is our spiritual North Pole, ask WWJD. The “God has a plan” merchants are correct, but only from the perspective of the end of time. While living IN time – living is another matter. God bless you in your journey this month.

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  25. “Being restless is a choice. But so is being intentional. So is being still. So is reflecting and choosing peace.” Girl, I love that! We can’t control everything but we can control the choices we make. Keep trusting God, as you’re discovering-He is always faithful. ❤

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  26. Thank you for this post. I, too, have struggled with knowing God’s will for my life. I am so happy that a fellow blogger has the courage and heart to be transparent. I gives me much joy to know that I am not alone here, telling the world of the goodness of God. LaShea

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  27. Hey Beauty,
    God is making you as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside.
    Part of walking by faith means that we have to trust Him, not knowing what is next. Soon we can look back and understand what He was doing, seeing His plan in hindsight. Once going though a difficult and confusing time I wrote some scriptures down and taped them up to my bathroom mirror so I would see them often. Here’s the ones I used:
    “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28
    “Or what man among you if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?” Matt. 7:9
    “But seek first the kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well.” Matt. 6:33
    “In returning and rest you shall be saved. In quietness and trust is your strength.” Isaiah 30:15

    Be Blessed,
    Jim
    (Thanks for “liking” many of my blog posts, BTW. I hope that you have found some value in them to encourage you in your faith.)

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  28. Following God’s plan for your life is something that you do day by day. You trust that he knows what is best for you and that he will provide the necessary means to see you through, but most of the time you have no idea exactly what the future holds. Be assured that it will hold exactly what is needed to bring you to where God wants you to be. May the Lord bless and keep you, may He make His face shine upon you and give you peace.

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  29. I am so pleased that you were gracious enough to read from my blog so that I found yours. This essay speaks directly to me as another Christian. How often I have sought the Lord for direction! How often I have felt like He was being silent! How often I recognized that He was at work and doing everything I needed!

    The Lord be with you dear one. I pray you have wholeness and joy and success, and always know that you are as precious to the Lord as anyone on earth.

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  30. Acting may be something that you enjoy but I would like to suggest that writing may be a great way to fill in your down times. You have a gift for writing and a clear voice. Writing also has great benefits for the soul, while acting is all about how you appear to others.
    I, for one, would like to see your gift applied to storytelling.

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    • Hi David, thank you for this reflection. Yeah, you’re right about that…it takes work to quiet the mind and escape all the noise and busyness and just be intentional. I need to do more of that! So glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox

      Like

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