Identity

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I have something exciting to share with you guys:)

I was recently interviewed by Jacob over on the blog, Lone Star Inspirations. And yesterday he posted the interview! So if you want to read a little more about Yours Truly, head on over there! And thanks, Jake, for wanting to interview me!

So. I’m a sucker for Buzzfeed. I spend waaaay too much time there. Catching up on everything from news, to celebrity gossip, to Disney quizzes, to the occasional random cat video.

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I mean, I need to reevaluate my usage of spare time!

But anyways, I happened upon something rather interesting yesterday. And that was Dictionary.com’s “Word of 2015.”

I won’t go into the Oxford Dictionary’s choice of word…or rather, nonword. They chose an emoji. Yes, you read that right — they chose the “laughing with tears of joy” emoji.

*Facepalm*

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But Dictionary.com chose a different word. One that I think reveals a lot about where we are right now as a society: They chose the word identity.

Identity.

Which, honestly reflects where our culture is right now. From Caitlyn Jenner, to the clash of political ideologies from Bernie, Hillz, or Trump, to the “selfie” culture that is overtaking the often-times suffocating influence of social media, to the popularity of shows like “Girls” or “The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” or “New Girl,” where we can see bits of ourselves in the struggling ingenue trying desperately to find herself in the world.

We are a people who are searching for our identity.

This is something that I know all too well.

After embracing recovery from anorexia, I had to figure out just that. Who am I?

Before that dark period of my life, my identity was pretty solidified. I played sports in high school. Dated the captain of the football team. Straight A’s. Did acting all my life. I knew who I was — or rather, who I thought I was supposed to be. And maintaining that “identity” was quite literally killing me.

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Anorexia for me was a way to press the big red “emergency stop button” on a tread mill that was flying at high speed. I was out of control, trying to hold up these impossible standards, and the only way out was to quit by default.

And for the next 2 years, I battled with ED. And it was apparent. Unlike other mental illnesses, you wear your disease on your body. At 78 pounds, I was a walking bill board that I am not well.

And sadly, that became my identity.

I had lost the light behind my eyes. My passions. My personality. My heart for people. I lost who I was.

So when I finally recovered and began putting the pieces of my life back together, the hardest part was figuring out who this new girl is.

  
Figuring out who I am. My identity on the other side of this hellish hurricane of anorexia.

Who am I?

And I’m going to be honest, I am still figuring out who that is.

Every week, I feel like I discover something new about who I am, or remember something about that girl I “used to be” before anorexia came in like a freight train and destroyed any healthy concept of self.

For example, just tonight, I remembered how much I love just dancing. I know, so stereotypical.

“I just wanna dance!”

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But I can’t tell you how much fun I had turning on the Justin Bieber spotify station and dancing. By myself. Flipping my hair like a goddess in a hair commercial.

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But I digress.

Putting the pieces back together after a big life change, is hard. Whether it’s after an eating disorder, losing a loved one, changing schools, losing a job, getting rejected by peers, or just trying to figure out who you are in this ever-changing, confusing, and scary world. Finding your identity is tough.

Though I may still be discovering and remembering things about myself — I mean, really it is a life long journey, whether you’re in recovery or not — there is one thing that has been paramount.

And that is finding my identity first in how God sees me.

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Claiming the truth that I am His daughter. That I am loved. Loved so fiercely that Jesus would die for me.

That is the foundation of my identity.

Knowing that and claiming that is what got me out of that hurricane. He helps me put the pieces back together.

  
I know I don’t have to have it all figured out right now. That’s the beauty of our Father: He is patient. And will always take care to restore his children and reveal to us our identity in Him. He says that I am good. That I am worthy. Enough. And so I trust the Author of life.

Our society today, frankly it’s a hot mess. And it all stems from people striving to figure out their identity. Craft who they are. Be their own author of a life, worthy of a “best seller” list.

So honestly, it comes as no surprise that identity is the Word of 2015.

But it’s not my word. My identity is clear: I am His.

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

232 thoughts on “Identity”

  2. Amen!!! I read through it twice and the second reading is a revelation. It’s so hard to cement down an identity when it is through the ever changing and judgmental eyes of the world – rather than through the eyes of a loving savior. It’s easy to forget that when so many labels are placed on the individual, what they wear, how they style (or don’t) their hair.
    And how cool to be interviewed miss celebrity! Whoa!!! So exciting! Were you nervous???

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Great that you have found your identity in God, that must give you such a sense of security to have faith like that. I’m not sure where I am with God at the moment I have always believed but now I am not sure. But I think I see my identity in my recovery from my various mental health problems and addictions including a 30 year eating disorder. I have achieved sanity for the first time in my life and am happier and more peaceful than I have ever been. I believe in the way that has got me to this place – better than I have ever been in my life – which has been a combination of 12 Step recovery and therapy and medication. I have prayed a lot in my recovery and it has really helped me I am just in something of a spiritual crisis at the moment.

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      2. Hi Caroline! I am so glad that you’re feeling and happy and peaceful. That is so so great. It has always been a comfort for me when I’ve felt a little distant to know that God never wavers. He is always there with open arms just waiting for me to accept His embrace:) will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers:) sending hugs and love, you beautiful warrior☺️

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  5. I loved reading this. And it resonated so strongly with me. It is so true that one of the biggest parts of recovery from an eating disorder is discovering who you really are. This is the journey that I’m currently on. And while it was so unexpected, I am learning to love it and me. Heading over to look at the interview now. Congratulations.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Thanks for sharing this – and it was an honest interview . It is also great you have found your identity in Christ- how valuable is this to be daughter of most powerful person . Now you are a new creation in Him as old has gone. Taste and see the Lord is good .

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Okay, this will likely get lost in the hoard of replies you always (and justifiably) get, but…coming from the opposite end of the age spectrum, I know exactly what you mean. In fact, I think most of “A Bipolar Life” and “Turning 60” had to do with the train wreck that destroyed my sense of identity. My son even said, last summer, “Mom, you need to rediscover who you are.”

    Your dancing parallels my rediscovering the music I love. My children used to say, “Mom you need to chill and listen to some music.” But, I couldn’t remember what music I liked. Somewhere during this move, I remembered. And I not only found it, I discovered that I know the words, the riffs and runs, the syncopations, and even the dance moves.

    This rediscovering my identity has been huge. Plus, I have simplified my life and pared things down to focus on half a dozen areas. And that’s all.

    You see, I don’t have 60 or more years left to rediscover myself. I will consider myself fortunate if I have 10 to 15. (I’m hoping God is pleased with the work I’m doing and will allow me to enjoy my new happiness for a while.)

    You’re doing fine, dearest. You’ve survived and you’re thriving. You’re doing God work…the noblest, most exemplary work their is. And allow yourself the free time to watch the buzzfeeds because that is your culture…the culture of your generation…and it it because of that familiarity of culture that makes your writing so relevant and absorbable for your peers.

    You have arrived at exactly where you need to be….here, now.

    God bless you, sweetheart.

    Liked by 8 people

    1. Hi Kitsy, my goodness what a beautiful comment. Thank you so much for just giving me a big hug and note of encouragement. It really means a lot. I am so happy for you that you’ve found that vibrance for life. And how awesome that it was through music! I absolutely love love love music. It awakens part of my soul, which I tHink you can attest to. You enjoy that new happiness, Kitsy. You deserve it! Sending big hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Great post 🙂 I saw your interview and I left a reply on that site to some the questions you answered 🙂 I also left another reply to the guy who conducted the interview because he deserved a lot of credit too for the questions 🙂 If you want to see the two replies I left on the site, by my guest 🙂 Identity has always been an important issue and while it has always been a big issue of any century, it is (as you imply) an even bigger one for the 21st century. Everyday one walks abound wondering If people do the things they do because they feel they need to as opposed to actually wanting to do it. People really need to feel happy with themselves (I love that smiling and dancing Brad Pitt image) 🙂 That image was from The Coen Brothers 2008 comedy Burn After Reading 🙂 But back to the topic at hand, only we know what makes oneself happy and as you imply be your own person. I could go on, but you have created another masterful blog entry 🙂 Anyway, keep up the great work as always 🙂

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    1. Hi John! Oh awesome! I can wait to go read what you wrote! Oh haha I didn’t actually know what it was from-I just knew Brad + dancing = ❤️😍😂 thank you for such a kind note of positivity and support. Your friendship means the world! Hugs and love xox

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  11. Wonderful words as always. Please keep writing this way, I’m sure you are having a much greater impact than you realize. I’ve not shared this before but I had an ED when I was a teenager, and your work resonates with me so much. Peace.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. I’m not sure this is what you were necessarily getting at, BBB, but I think you nailed something. I think what’s wrong with society today is the emphasis on identity. People are so focused on who I am, on what makes ME unique, that we create these factions in society. I’m white, I’m black, I’m Asian, I’m transgender, female, male, conservative, liberal, …, blah blah blah. Look – I get that people are from different backgrounds and ethnicities and such, but as you sort of said about yourself: what we are is basically nothing. Who cares what or who we are if we don’t realize that we are all created in the likeness of God. Rightt? Like our bodies are just temporary. There are no black souls, no liberal souls, no American souls, no fat souls. You nailed our identity, and does that make us bland or boring because we are all the same? Noo because that identity is the greatest thing we can possibly identify as

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    1. Hi MM! What a thought provoking perspective. Thank you for sharing this. You’re right-we need to identify first as children of God. That’s what brings us all together. What makes us truly family. And yes that’s the greatest thing🙌 thanks for reading! Hugs and love xox

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  14. Love this. It’s so easy to get on a treadmill of success and pride in our accomplishments. It takes much more bravery to jump off and go down the unique path God has chosen for us. You are his and he made you uniquely you for a reason.:)

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  15. I don’t know what the old you was like but I like the you I know today.It took until late in my second year of recovery to like who I had become and it was about the same time that I came to believe ..thanks again

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  16. SERIOUSLY THE LAUGHING SO HARD I’M CRYING EMOJI??!?! Honestly I use the donut one so much more 😉 Or the monkey covering it’s eyes hahaa

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    1. Hahah I know!! I’m with you on the monkey emoji. That’s my fav! Followed by a close second with the party ghost. 👻 The donut emoji–that is a solid choice my friend 👍👍👍 Have a beautiful night Ellie! hugs and love!

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  20. You’ve touched something deep with this one. Many of us have times in our lives when we have to learn who we are in a new light — after divorce, bankruptcy, loss of a long-term job, being swindled out of our life savings, suffering a devastating chronic illness. I’ve had a few of these. You did a good job of describing it.

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    1. Thank you Melhpine. That really means a lot. You’re right. We all have different “things” that force us relearn who we are. I’m sorry you’ve experienced this. But I’m glad you’ve made it through to the other side. ❤️ hugs and love cox

      Liked by 1 person

  22. This is so so timely for me as I’m going through a crisis in my life. The past year has challenged me and I’ve recently made a huge change in my life that’s felt as though it’s torn my heart apart. So much soul searching lately. But I know I’m on the right path, don’t quite know where I’m going but I know that I just have to keep moving. Trying to figure out who I am, my purpose and direction. Thanks for reminding me that I’m not alone. Wonderful post. Peace and hugs to you as you continue your journey.

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    1. Hi Miriam, thank you for this encouraging comment. I’m sorry that you’ve been going through a crisis recently. You’re so right- you are absolutely not alone. And you are on the right path to something good. Know that I’m cheering you on and that you’re in my thoughts and prayers. Have in there friend. Hugs and love xox

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  23. You have such a big heart, bbb. You always have something new and wise to say. I am amazed by you. I appreciate all the love toward my own rather one-dimensional blog. Thank you.

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  24. I’ve been writing about the different aspects of my own blog (noticed you’ve been reading it sometimes too,thanks! ). So your post really resonated with me today. Founding our identity in Him is first and foremost. I’m glad to hear your discovering who you are in joyful healthy ways. Blessings!

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  25. You’re so right! I know some people who are still trying to find who they are in there 50s. It’s easy to let society to define us in limited boxes, and spend our lives struggling to meet the standards of others. But what a blessing when we finally get in tune with the Creator’s ultimate design for us…So freeing! Thank God, his ways are not our ways…They are much better. Be blessed.
    -Stasie

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    1. Thank you so much! You’re right-they try to put us in a box and force us to meet impossible standards. Amen to that-seeing ourselves the way God sees his children is so freeing. Thanks for stopping by Stasis! Hugs xox

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  26. It takes a very long time for someone to find themselves. It’s like once think you got it, you start to question yourself on if that is really you. Are you being persuaded by other people’s judgements. Like how long will it take me to figure out who I am .

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  29. I’ve tried to do Gifs in the past and can’t. 😣 this post was good. It was deep. It got me thinking about my identity, and my struggles of desporatly seeking just that. Inspiring on so many levels. Do you mind if I reblog this post when I’m ready to post the beautiful inspiration you just provoked?

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  31. I absolutely LoVE this post! I am 48 years old, and learn more and more every day about myself as I grow closer to God. It took me a long time to be comfortable with just me and who I am. I didn’t know who I was, or wanted to be until I hit my 30’s. I don’t know about the old you, but i definitely like this new you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for allowing God to use you to bless us!

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  32. Beautiful post. I love the end ‘I am his’ -I’m not even religious at all and I get what you are saying. You have the identity you want and it is a forever evolving process. I need new interests and I think buzz feed needs to be a new one. 🙂 x

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    1. Hi Daisy! Aw thank you so much:) you’re right-a forever evolving process. Haha oh gosh- fair warning: once you start buzzfeed, you can’t stop! 😂😂😂 thanks for reading friend! Have a beautiful day xox

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  33. I appreciate your honesty and yes, it is hard to keep going because the enemy will try to harass you. Without going into detail, have you gone back to the cause of the anorexia? A christian psychologist can help you do that so that complete healing can occur. Rebuke the temptation,repent any sins,praise and thank the Lord everyday and believe that by Jesus’ stripes you have been healed. That means that He took all our brokenness and iniquities to the cross so that we may be free of them. Put on your spiritual armour of God (Ephesians 6:10-18) for protection . God bless.

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    1. Hi there! Thank you for this wonderful reflection. Yes, I have done a lot of work with Christian counselors about just that. And you’re right. It definitely helps. But more than any councilor or therapist, Jesus has been doing the brunt of the work on my heart:) thanks for reading! Hugs xox

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  35. I’m not sure the “hot mess” this society is in all comes down to folks trying too figure out who they are — I might wonder if it’s folks who can think of no one or nothing BUT themselves — but that is surely a part of it. Thanks for the interesting post.

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  36. What solid truth, you are a child of the living God. Your identity begins and ends in Christ! So thankful you are on the other side of anorexia and standing strong on your rock!
    ❤️ Paula Nebel

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  37. About Oxford Dictionary ‘word of the year’: the REAL staff were HORRIFIED! It was a publicity/marketing idea … I know this ‘cos my husband works at OUP and we have known that place forever. It’s moved from being really old fashioned in the 1970’s to being v up to date, but that emoji idea was way to stupid to do. It was a big marketing MISTAKE most people thought. Thankfully even some young Americans like you agree 🙂 How stupid can publicity/marketing be?
    On identity: all to true. And the ‘success’ which is expected of young people so often leads into a downward spiral like eating disorders or worse: that is an Oxford thing as well … so many parents here see ‘success’ in those terms, teach that to their kids (if not by words by some kind of osmosis) and educational/financial success is seen as the only form of happiness. How wrong they are. Thanks for your blog, it’s nice and thoughtful as well as honest.
    My novels are partly about a typical Oxford family … they have 2 teen girls now … maybe those girls should be questioning these assumptions!

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  42. I always enjoy your blog posts. I wish I could think of such wonderful topics. At the age of 38 (39i in a week!!!) Im finding my identity once again. Ive changed after having an Eating disorder..or rather at its worst as I will always have it , I just dont let it win, then after becoming a Mum, then a Mum of special needs children, and now my biggest change is that all of my children go to school and I am having to find out who I am after being a full time Mum for nearly 15 years. I am also discovering God after being a non believer my whole life.

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    1. Hey Sam! Oh thanks so much:) Happy early birthday! Thank you for sharing this. I’m sorry that you’ve wrestled with ED. How awesome that you’ve been able to have children! That’s amazing. My fertility is still unclear and I’m praying that one day I will be able to have kids. Thanks for reading. And don’t forget to give yourself some grace. You’re doing great❤️ hugs and love xox

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  43. I was amazed how God spoke to me through your post. Additionally, and initially referred to as a mistaken click- but let’s be honest there are no coincidences, just Divine Appointments- He also had me watch a movie included on Amazon Prime talking on identity… identity in Christ.
    It is Sing Over Me by Dennis Jernigan- a man who’s music I love but never heard of nor his struggles. It is a very profound and moving testimony as well.
    One of my favorite verses and the reason behind my username…

    2 Corinthians 5:17 (NKJV)
    17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
    Thank God for the freedom I have in Him. Thank you for being vulnerable and telling your story! We each have our struggles and imperfections but the beauty in that is no one else has it either and we can work towards perfecrion in Christ together. I realize I was looking for affirmation in people and not my Father.
    Blessings and His Peace upon you, sister and fellow daughter of the King- have a great day!

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  44. “I know I don’t have to have it all figured out right now. That’s the beauty of our Father: He is patient. And will always take care to restore his children and reveal to us our identity in Him. He says that I am good. That I am worthy. Enough. And so I trust the Author of life.”

    Beautifully put. I think you’re getting there. 🙂 Blessings.

    Liked by 2 people

  46. I think the identity question covers a lifetime. I thought I knew who I was, then I didn’t, then I did again….as nauseum. Even as to what sort of follower I am of Jesus. Ever seeking, ever learning. So thanks for the email chain earlier this week!

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    1. Hi Jeff! Thanks for this thoughtful insight. You’re right-we’re in a constant state of evolving and growing and learning. That’s the beauty of life. But how comforting to know that no matter what, we have a foundation in Christ. Thanks for stopping by! Hope you’re having a great day! Hugs and love xox

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      1. I am! You too! I just finished reading your interview and enjoyed it very much. Here’s hoping you can eventually do something with your manuscript. It likely has the potential to be helpful to many people! Have a blessed weekend!

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  47. I finally understand why your blog is named beauty beyond bones. I never did think the skeleton was particularly handsome. I started drawing anatomy when I was in fifth grade, and the muscles weren’t too bad, but still a little weird. The skull wasn’t too bad, though. There was one image I copied of the skull and neck muscles with the chin rising high, exposing the muscles in their full grandeur. It was exquisite! I hope you figure out who you are. It saddens me to think of you looking like a skeleton looking in the mirror with those big dark holes where eyes should go staring back at you trying to fill you with more holes. beauty beyond bones. I finally get it. Ha! Sorry. I’m a little slow. Tortoise and the hare, you know.

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    1. Haha no worries! I’m glad you got it! Yeah, it’s from a verse in Ezekiel where there are these brittle dry broken bones in the desert and God breathes life into them and they come to life! And by George that’s my story! Hehe thanks for reading! Hope you have a fabulous weekend! Hugs and love xox

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      4. Oh gosh, I don’t know! It sounds like I need to study up more! That book is so hard to get a grasp of. I’ve tried to study it, but wow there is so much imagery and symbolism that is so complex.

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      5. 7:1-2, 9:14-15. It’s supposed to be that way, you know. It wouldn’t be any fun to read if it weren’t. I just love the book of Revelation. It seems more like fantasy than reading the law of Moses. Boy, if the likes of Leviticus and how to wear the ephod and the robes and where to put the pomegranates and trumpets were all we had, I would get bored!

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      7. Yeeaaa, you don’t have to read any of that, Beebs. It’s probably best for a Halloween night, but if you do muster up the courage, there are a few things to consider (don’t drown in too deep of waters.) Song of Moses and Manna you can look up in the books of Moses. The four creatures are explained just a little bit more by Ezekiel. You’re probably already aware that much of the same themes carry through the writings of Moses into Psalms and finally, heavily into Isaiah. These also will be used amply in the book of Revelation. Of course, latter Isaiah would probably be one of the best resources for understanding the main character of the book of Revelation (particularly, chs. 5 and 19)–you know, the guy dressed in red–as also Isaiah 63 and 59– but Zechariah also lends to many details in 11-13. Jeremiah (particularly 31:31-37) and Ezekiel (particularly 34), though lesser in meaty material, contain certain precious parts not to be left out. Daniel explains so many things (chapter 7, primarily). They should really be companion books, Revelation and Daniel. I wish I knew how to understand the book of Revelation, maybe you can write it all up so I can have it, too. In my studies I have tried to understand the main character. That seems to have helped my focus in the study. I dunno, maybe that won’t work for you, but it did for me.

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      9. What I most remember about the revelations isn’t even in the book of Revelation but comes from Isaiah talking about in the big Armageddon battle there will be so many dead that it will take 7 months to bury them. Some of it all sounds like nuclear holocaust for how Isaiah talks of the 70 years that Babylon will not be given life back. She will only whimper the song of a whore. I kinda remember that song from Vegas. Kinda repulsive when a couple girls offer you what’s most precious in existence for money, you turn them down, and (you’d think they’d thank me), but their song really is quite astonishingly wounding. My favorite, though, is how Isaiah talks about displaying the dead in such a manner as to give the opponents of Zion something to look at should they dare challenge Zion or her strength. Best of all…well, I better stop there. I kinda have a diahrrea of the mouth disease that I got when I was a missionary, so…I better leave it at that.

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  48. Nice word for the year, and I do believe it is apt. Personally, I prefer the word unique, as God created us to be unique and able to fulfill his plan(s) for our life. We are all God’s treasures. One of my friends once told me something important which your words brought to my mind. At a time when my family was going through a tragedy that knocked the breath away to the point where nothing was normal, and I prayed every single day just for the strength to get through that particular day, my friend who had experienced a similar tragedy in her childhood told me that eventually things would settle down into a “new normal” it wouldn’t be the old “normal” but we would adjust and have a new normal. I can’t tell you how much I clung to my friends words while we were in the upheaval. The other thing was to continually remind myself that I needed to maintain my Christianity while going through that “Job experience.” Some times the only thing that can get you through something is relationship with God. I am so happy that you identify yourself with Him.

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    1. Hi friend. Wow that is an astute word of advice from your friend. Have very true. Amen to that. Being in a relationship win God will get you through whatever life throws our way. Thanks for this thoughtful reflection. Hugs and Love xox

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