It was an…interesting weekend.
I always find myself on Sunday night, staring at a blank computer screen wondering, “Okay, God. What the H am I supposed to write.”
Tonight…I know exactly what I’m supposed to say.
Back at the beginning of this month, I published the post, Honesty Hour. And first of all, I have just been blown away by the outpouring of encouragement and kindness. So thank you. Truly.
And basically, I summed it up by saying that God is always communicating with us. We just have to be aware.
Well this weekend, He smacked me upside the head with His message.
But what happens when what He’s saying is not what you want to hear?
Allow me to set the stage.
3 boys. 3 days. 3 messages.
God pulled A Christmas Carol – “Ghost of Christmas Past” – move on me.
Thursday night: I’m falling asleep and I literally pray out loud in exasperation, “God, please just show me what you want me to do with my love life. I’m tired of waiting.”
There are a few interesting guys on my radar. Now, I am completely aware that this sounds like I’m “playing the field.” But that’s not the case. In an effort to be open to love, I am trying to be open to the people that God places in my life. And so, there are a couple interesting guys. Interesting sparks, if you will.
Well, during three different episodes this weekend, I was shown legitimate deal breakers about each and every one of them.
That, my friends, is what you call God being Captain Obvious.
Friday Night: I find out Guy A, possibly has another girlfriend back in his home country.
Communicated: this guy could possibly have infidelity issues.
Saturday Night: I have a 2 hour conversation with my mother about my love life and what God wants me to do with my life. I feel restless and super impatient, but my mother assures me that God has a plan and that He will reveal it.
Not even an hour after that conversation ends, Guy B literally shows up on my doorstep, having taken a bus to NYC. He wanted to reevaluate why I ended things back in January. I have not heard from him in months. He had everything going for him – but I just didn’t have that romantic feeling.
What I think is being communicated: This is obviously God saying, “Get over yourself, BBB! This is the guy for you!”
But I will find out, that is not the message.
Sunday Afternoon: Guy C has a birthday party and he does not issue me a personal invitation. Which doesn’t sound like that big of a deal. He didn’t personally invite anyone, and come on…this is the world of Facebook and texting. Get over yourself, right? But we’ve had a history since 2012, so you would think he’d make an emotional advance already!
Let me pause here. These are three guys who I have known since I moved to NYC in 2012. And I have been “pursued” by each one individually for 2-3 years. That’s a significant amount of time. Not that I’ve wasted, but that, I’ve been stalling. Mainly because I haven’t been ready to accept love, but none the less, I have never shown my cards — been in a perpetual state of waiting.
And then this weekend happens right after I prayed that prayer.
So I was like, “Dang, I need to figure out what all this means. STAT.”
And here’s what I got: I think that in each of these three situations, God has shown me that I’ve been devoting all this time and energy into these relationships, and none of them are who He has planned. So I need to stop spinning my wheels and find someone who will a) have me as his one and only, b) respect my boundaries and c) be able to communicate his feelings.
God was telling me no.
And that is hard to hear.
Could I have read that big romantic gesture of showing up Breakfast-Club-style as God smacking me over the head saying, Helloooo! Do I have to spell it out for you!? I am hand delivering who is right for you!
Sure. But I’m missing the greater message. The message as it relates to this crazy and blatantly coincidental weekend.
God says no sometimes. And it sucks. But I have to trust that He’s not going to leave me high and dry.
Maybe I’m supposed to realize that I’m not looking for love in the right places. That my friend group is not the place to find love.
Maybe God is just winking at me saying, “You wanted a sign, you got one, baby!”
I don’t know. I have to pray and reflect more on all of this.
But here’s what I do know:
God does communicate with us. In conversations. In coincidental circumstances. In your gut when you just get that feeling. In people showing up at your door in the middle of the night.
I am SO guilty of this. Life is BUSY. I’m working, hanging out with my friends, blogging, instagramming, writing posts, thinking about posts, insta-stalking Beyonce and her “Becky with the good hair” scandal…
…going grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning — and this is all while multi-tasking and listening to a podcast in my ear at the same time!
My mind is never quiet.
So truly, how then should I expect to hear God’s gentle whisper??
So advice time: how do you do this? I’m genuinely asking? How do you make sure you are able to hear God’s voice?
Because it’s out there.
I’m just trying to trust. To remember that God knows exactly what he’s doing. And even though I don’t understand, He does. And He already has the right man picked out for me. I won’t be able to miss him.
God has never once abandoned me. Not through my anorexia. Not through fears and changes and new starts and pain. He has always been faithful. And He’s always encouraging me and communicating with me along the way. The trick is to recognize His speaking.