So I did something kind of crazy the other day.
A walk on the wild side, if you will.
And no, I’m not talking about downloading the Pokemon Go app.
Or starting a high stakes Bachelorette betting pool. #teamJordan #Don’tGetMeStartedOnChad
Although I did do one of those things — but I’ll let you decide which:)
I canceled my flight back to NYC and decided to stay home for an extra week.
Ok ok, maybe a little anti-climactic. But it was a big deal for me.
Living in NYC is incredible. There are so many fun and slightly irresponsible things to do, and I have been blessed with a really great group of friends to do it with. And I love my job and pursuing my dreams, but…
…when I visit home, the time seems to go by in the blink of an eye. Faster than you can say “No soup for you!”
And on the morning of my flight, I just couldn’t leave. We had to put my dog down the day before, and my mom had just found a lump in her breast and was awaiting the biopsy results. So I just couldn’t bring myself to leave. Not like this. Not yet.
So since I have the month of July off, and didn’t have to be back for rehearsals until the end of the month, I decided to stay.
I’ve always had a bit of an approach avoidance with home. There’s a constant back-and-forth between the good memories of growing up, and then the painful reminders of the days when I was in the throes of anorexia, as well as battling ugly Ulcerative Colitis flares. It seems like around every corner, there is a different setting or smell or person that will bring me right back to those places.
While I was home, my parents hosted a party.
I know. They’re party animals.
But they had this planned for months. And the entire guest list consisted of my parents’ friends from our church that I have grown up knowing. Read: they watched me go through a lot of reaaally dark days. They’d see me every Sunday waste a way a little more each week, and would give my parents support – or their “professional” advice.
But needless to say, these people know my story. They’ve walked it with me, and with my family, praying for me along the way.
And to be honest, I really haven’t seen many of them since becoming healthy and reclaiming my life. Like I said, there are a lot of proverbial skeletons that I tend to associate with home, so I have avoided spending much time there.
So I was nervous having to see these people tonight.
What were they going to say? Were they going to make any insensitive remarks that will trigger me into a bad headspace? Are they going to think I’m a failure for not having a flashy job? Are they going to pity me? Judge me? What am I walking into?
But I can honestly say it was an incredibly affirming night.
There’s something about being with people who truly know you. Who know your story. Know your family. Know the good and the
I was just blown away at the love in that room tonight.
Sure, maybe I had to dodge an insensitive comment made either ignorantly or just obliviously a couple times, but the fact is, these people truly care about me and love me and love my family. And they were genuinely happy to see that I’m healthy and living abundantly.
And I’m going to be honest, I was really surprised at how much fun I had. Well—maybe fun is pushing it…afterall, it was a party of my parents’ friends and I was the only person there under the age of 50…
Buuuut, I walked away from that evening feeling loved. Feeling encouraged. Feeling accepted. Feeling known.
And given that they knew all the crap from my past, it made that acceptance and love all the more meaningful. All the more affirming.
But I think, even more than those feelings, what I was really experiencing was a sense of peace.
Peace with my past.
Because that is the final step in the road to full and total recovery: when I can go back and not let the pain and shadows from my past dictate how I feel or where I go or who I talk to.
When I am at peace with the fact that, yes – I did go through those dark periods of time in my life, but they do not define who I am or what I am worth or what I can be.
It was a a defining moment that no longer defines me.
Maybe I was supposed to have that positive encounter with all those people from my past. Make home feel more like home. More comfortable. More safe.
Maybe this was God’s way of facilitating an opportunity for me to finally make peace with my past.
Just wanted to say a great big thank you to my Patreon supporters. I am so grateful for you! If you haven’t already, I’d like to personally invite you to check it out for Podcasts and exclusive content!
Hugs and love xox