Party On

So I did something kind of crazy the other day.

A walk on the wild side, if you will.

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And no, I’m not talking about downloading the Pokemon Go app.

Or starting a high stakes Bachelorette betting pool. #teamJordan #Don’tGetMeStartedOnChad

Nope.

Although I did do one of those things — but I’ll let you decide which:)

I canceled my flight back to NYC and decided to stay home for an extra week.

Ok ok, maybe a little anti-climactic. But it was a big deal for me.

Living in NYC is incredible. There are so many fun and slightly irresponsible things to do, and I have been blessed with a really great group of friends to do it with. And I love my job and pursuing my dreams, but…

…when I visit home, the time seems to go by in the blink of an eye. Faster than you can say “No soup for you!”

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And on the morning of my flight, I just couldn’t leave. We had to put my dog down the day before, and my mom had just found a lump in her breast and was awaiting the biopsy results. So I just couldn’t bring myself to leave. Not like this. Not yet.

So since I have the month of July off, and didn’t have to be back for rehearsals until the end of the month, I decided to stay.

I’ve always had a bit of an approach avoidance with home. There’s a constant back-and-forth between the good memories of growing up, and then the painful reminders of the days when I was in the throes of anorexia, as well as battling ugly Ulcerative Colitis flares. It seems like around every corner, there is a different setting or smell or person that will bring me right back to those places.

While I was home, my parents hosted a party.

I know. They’re party animals.

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But they had this planned for months. And the entire guest list consisted of my parents’ friends from our church that I have grown up knowing. Read: they watched me go through a lot of reaaally dark days. They’d see me every Sunday waste a way a little more each week, and would give my parents support – or their “professional” advice.

But needless to say, these people know my story. They’ve walked it with me, and with my family, praying for me along the way.

And to be honest, I really haven’t seen many of them since becoming healthy and reclaiming my life. Like I said, there are a lot of proverbial skeletons that I tend to associate with home, so I have avoided spending much time there.

So I was nervous having to see these people tonight.

What were they going to say? Were they going to make any insensitive remarks that will trigger me into a bad headspace? Are they going to think I’m a failure for not having a flashy job? Are they going to pity me? Judge me? What am I walking into? 

But I can honestly say it was an incredibly affirming night.

There’s something about being with people who truly know you. Who know your story. Know your family. Know the good and the bad not-so-good.

I was just blown away at the love in that room tonight.

Sure, maybe I had to dodge an insensitive comment made either ignorantly or just obliviously a couple times, but the fact is, these people truly care about me and love me and love my family. And they were genuinely happy to see that I’m healthy and living abundantly.

 

And I’m going to be honest, I was really surprised at how much fun I had. Well—maybe fun is pushing it…afterall, it was a party of my parents’ friends and I was the only person there under the age of 50…

Buuuut, I walked away from that evening feeling loved. Feeling encouraged. Feeling accepted. Feeling known.

And given that they knew all the crap from my past, it made that acceptance and love all the more meaningful. All the more affirming.

But I think, even more than those feelings, what I was really experiencing was a sense of peace.

Peace with my past.

Because that is the final step in the road to full and total recovery: when I can go back and not let the pain and shadows from my past dictate how I feel or where I go or who I talk to.

When I am at peace with the fact that, yes – I did go through those dark periods of time in my life, but they do not define who I am or what I am worth or what I can be.

It was a a defining moment that no longer defines me.


So who knows. Maybe that’s why I felt so compelled not to get on that flight.

Maybe I was supposed to have that positive encounter with all those people from my past. Make home feel more like home. More comfortable. More safe.

Maybe this was God’s way of facilitating an opportunity for me to finally make peace with my past.

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Just wanted to say a great big thank you to my Patreon supporters. I am so grateful for you!  If you haven’t already, I’d like to personally invite you to check it out for Podcasts and exclusive content!

Hugs and love xox

 

 

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196 thoughts on “Party On

  1. I really appreciate this post. Thank you for documenting your victory over your “skeletons” and your triumph of the day. I was right here, here as in where you were in that post and I’m grateful for insight or foresight to what God can and will do. That is, give peace and restore. So thank you! God bless and keep you always!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Pingback: Party On | Fresh Perspectives

  3. I’m glad to read that your recovery continues as you reconcile with that part of your past. It’s great that you finally allowed yourself to feel the love back home.

    Have you ever watched another actor visibly struggling on stage? We both know how we’ll sit in the audience, wince, but also be wishing and praying that they get back on track. The actor thinks the audience MUST be hating her. They don’t, they never do. They feel for you and want you to get back on track. They were in their seats, silently wishing, praying, and struggling with you as your family’s scene played out.

    How great for you to find that they were with you all along! Along with more friends, and now readers who have followed you all along. Blessings and prayers to you!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hi Jeffrey! Your words are always such a breath of fresh air. Thank you. I know that exact feeling on stage. You’re right, I have been blessed with many friends-new and old-that support and want the best for me. What a truly wonderful thing that is. God is good. Sending big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sometimes we gotta do what’s best for us. Only when your ready. Your right about one thing people really know how to rip off the bandaid. What was your defining moment? (The moment you decided you wanted to change)

    Liked by 2 people

  5. 🙂 Reading through this whole posting of yours, reminds me of two things of what God can do and what He cares about–but your posting reminds me both of Moses and Joseph. Joseph because God used his unhappy circumstances from his past to grow him and turn him into a leader and a savior of nations–specifically that of his father’s. This reminds me of Moses because he was told, by God, to return to a place that would most likely do him great harm–God told Moses to go and face down those who would make a mockery of God and hurt His people.

    In either person’s life–God used their path to forge them into great people of FAITH. It’s tough turning around and facing your past, because your past does contain a lot of hurts–some hurts are greater for some people, so it’s harder for them to face them. And because of our hurts, our sins, we think that God doesn’t want any part of us–but in those situations we have to be like Isaiah in Isaiah 6: falling before God, saying we’re unworthy, and God lets his forgiveness flow freely. We are men and women with unclean lips and lives, but God takes those away so we can stand before others ready to do God’s work.

    In short, if you remember The Lion King….Well, just watch the clip.

    You may think me lame for bringing that up, but hey! It’s from my childhood!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. This is beautiful! Everything you write is–I love it! YOU’RE beautiful, girlfriend!
    Every time I get the opportunity to catch up on your posts I feel so… understood? understanding? able to relate… like a lot? I’m not quiet sure, but your words and heart are so, so beautiful. Keep writing, my friend. I aspire to one day have the ability to produce posts as beautiful as your own!
    Hugs,
    Savannah

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hey Savannah! Oh my gosh thank you so much:) it seriously warms my heart so much to know that you’ve been enjoying my post and get something out of them:) that makes me so happy. Sending you the biggest hugs and love! Have a beautiful Sunday! Xox

      Liked by 2 people

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