*Going Undercover

So yesterday, I did something pretty crazy.

I went undercover.

Yep, I pulled a Harriet the Spy and went on a real life spy mission.

#ForeverA90sKid


My best friend is actually a forensic psychologist, and basically that means that her life is literally an episode of CSI. Anyway, she had to go on an undercover gig, and, since I’m an actor, she invited me along!

It. Was. So. Cool.

Not gonna lie, I felt like a bada$$.

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Anyway. We were undercover on a boat, putting “eyes on” this guy whose wife was suspicious of him having an affair. She knew that he was going to be on this evening cruise because she checked their credit card bill. He told her he was “working late.” That poor woman. My heart went out to her. To think that she had to hire a private investigator to see if her husband is cheating. It breaks my heart.

#ImLookinAtYouBenAffleck

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Anyway, the guy was with two women. And that’s all we know. His actions weren’t overly romantic or anything, so we couldn’t tell if he was cheating.

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But as I was sitting there, pretending to take selfies, yet actually taking pictures of the guy and his actions, I felt a tremendous responsibility in my hands.

I mean, this was their marriage. I didn’t know what the story was.

And, yes, even though that guy lied about his whereabouts to his wife, I had no idea who those women were. Were they co-workers, and he just didn’t want to tell his wife that he’d be out with women because she’d freak out? Was he really cheating? Was he planning a surprise birthday party for his wife with two of her best friends? I just didn’t know. But here I was, trying to figure out if he was having an affair based of his body language and actions with these women.

And, surprise, surprise, it got me thinking about recovery.

Now, you may be scratching your head thinking, “How the heck did you get from spying on someone to thinking about your anorexia recovery?”

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Well friends, I was thinking, “This is crazy. This guy has no idea that we’re watching him. Someone could be watching me or following me around and I would have no idea.”

Paranoid much?

No, just kidding. But the thought did cross my mind.

But it got me thinking. I was trying to figure out this guy’s life from his actions. From his behavior.

And I wondered, What conclusion would someone draw from my behaviors and actions? Would they be able to tell that I’m in recovery? Would they think that I love myself? Would they draw the conclusion that I am living free from ED? Would they be able to tell that I love Jesus?

What do my actions communicate?

And it really made me think.

Because then I thought, what do I want my behavior to communicate?

Really. That’s a tough question. And there are lots of answers.

I mean, let’s be honest here. I would love it if my actions communicated that, Oh yeah, she’s got it goin’ on! She’s confident, stylish, flirty, self-assured, and the life of the party! Dangggg this girl’s the cat’s meOW! 

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I confess. I would love that. That’s the “me” of my dreams. That would be the movie portrayal of my life.

But is that what I really want my life to communicate?

And I realized, after reflecting on this, what I actually want my actions to communicate:

One word:

LOVE

I know, I know, I know. I can hear the collective “eye roll” from here.

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But seriously, just here me out.

I want to communicate love: Love for others. Love for myself. Love for God. Love for life.

If someone were to spy on me, I would want them to walk away saying, Man, that girl is a lover.

So what does that look like? How about, being a good listener. Following through on promises and keeping my word. Bringing joy to others. Letting people into the broken places in my life. Actually celebrating my birthday. Building trust with others. Not tearing others down with gossip or judgement. Not tearing myself down with harsh criticism or doubt. Saying yes to invitations. Calling people back and reaching out. Spending time in prayer. Laughing a good old fashioned belly laugh.

Please hear me, I am in no way saying that I am all those fabulous things. That is a list of things that I inspire to be. Things that I am working on. Things that ED tries to suppress, but that I fight for.

That’s what I want my life to communicate.

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What about you? What would someone think if they were to go undercover and put “eyes on” you? Is it want you want your actions to communicate? Just something to think about this weekend.

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So whether or not that man was cheating on his wife, I’ll never know.

But I do know one thing: actions are important. And I need to be careful of my actions, because they communicate a lot.

And at the end of the day, I want to communicate love.

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219 thoughts on “*Going Undercover

  1. Very interesting. I like the way your mind works. Right now I want to be a faithful and loving person. I want God to see me as a faithful and loving person. Like creative too. Faithful loving and creative…. and more…. so you’ve done your job. You’ve got me thinking about it. Not so much about how others see me, but what I am and how God sees me.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh my gosh what does it say about me that I REALLY want to know whether their marriage is OK? Well I guess there’s something very wrong if you’re hiring a PI like that. Anyway how amazing what you learned from going undercover. You certainly display a lot of love through your blogs!
    L x

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Your friend’s life is like an episode of CSI? I’m going to read that as “she has an unbelievably good clear-up rate, but insists on regularly donning shades whilst making one-liners.” (Great post, by the way).

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Beautiful post!!! This time, I read it patiently, scrolling through and taking in every word… until the end when you began to write about love. Then, I got so super-excited that I scrambled to the end, and had to slowly re-read it again to get it all. 🙂

    While real-life and blog-life are two different realms, in a way, you’re the same person in both your writing and your actions. Your writing is LOVELY. It is challenging, honest, and full of the love that God has clearly filled you with. When I blog about how I *want* to live and who I *want* to be, it feels much easier to conceptualize it on paper than to actually reshape my life to be concordant, but I want exactly what you wrote about here. I want to love like a saint (little “s” – I don’t need, want, or expect any recognition). I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my life. I think about a line in the hymn “The Summons,” that asks, “should your life attract or scare?” And I wonder, which kind of life am I living? Thank you for the inspiration, and for the invitation to live for love.

    P.S. I love your sassy picture! 😉

    Liked by 3 people

  5. (quickly whips my fake glasses, nose and mustache off)
    I haven’t been following you, but from what you write, you display love. Love of God, love of others, love of self (finally?!) So you display it 🙂

    That said, I wonder about my life, and what I display. I’m rather hard on myself; you know that one “aww crap” wipes out a ton of brownie points, right? Well, I always feel that my one trouble area wipes out all the good interactions I have. I struggle with grace over works :/ I was raised that worth and value were based on works….and that I wasn’t measuring up. So I never loved myself. And still don’t….still haven’t gotten that tape in my head to stop playing. But I am getting better at least at reaching out to others and caring for them.

    And go easy on that bada$$ spy stuff 😀

    Liked by 3 people

    • haha Thanks Jeff! You made me smile. And thank you for sharing this. i can definitely relate to the works/grace struggle. It’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling the need to “earn” love/worth/acceptance/etc. Something I’m still working on for sure. glad you stopped by! xx

      Like

  6. I remember reading in the book Everything’s an Argument how we should write as if we have people looking over our shoulders–or something like that; you make a good point that, basically, we should LIVE that way … because in a manner of speaking, we do have Someone looking over our shoulders at everything we do: “[Y]our Father who sees what is hidden will repay you” (Mt 6:18, NABRE).

    Thanks for bringing this up; God bless!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Having read your message today I am very aware that my daughter who has anorexia is constantly watching me. She is very angry with me and tells me often of my failings. There are no pats on the back just a barrage of hurtful words. I have tried to be a witness to love in my life but she says I am a hypocrite. If I did not have God in my life and know that He loves me and understands my heart and actions, bearing this onslaught from my daughter would be extremely hard. I know she is hurting and that is why she denies her body food, she knows it concerns me which seems to feed her need to carry on in this destructive way. I don’t know how your parents helped and supported you but I am struggling. This requires more than love and my daughter refuses therapy and often wont take her medication. At 19 she is an adult and I am now not allowed to know what is going on due to patient confidentiality. She still lives in our home but we are in a way being held captive by her mood swings, anger and faddy eating. I love her but find her illness draining to the point of exhaustion. If you can give me some pointers to help my daughter I would be happy to hear them. God bless you my dear friend.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. You bring up a good point about the difference, but also relationship, between facts (observable data) and interpretations. Facts: Husband X was on a evening cruise ship with Woman A and Woman B. The next question the consider is what premises (assumptions) do we use to make those interpretations. You give a whole list of possible explanations of Husband X’s behavior (cheating, arranging for wife’s B-day party, entertaining co-workers or clients, etc.), each of which is possible based on your assumptions.

    These are good concepts to have in mind when we wonder how others view us. We can agree on the facts, but arrive at different conclusions based on what premises we start with. We have many assumptions about what is loving behavior. If someone misinterprets your loving actions, investigate what assumptions they have about love and the behavior…. Then you’ll get some eye-rolling.
    Oscar

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hey Oscar, thanks for this. Great points. You’re right, it’s hard to get the whole story simply from trying to read body language and actions from afar. That’s dangerous territory to tread. Thanks for reading! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  9. wow…I love your writeup dear. The switch in line of conversation did it mostly and you kept one glued and following I must say! And your profile pix is great…It suites perfectly #thumbs.
    Got something to complete the writeup you liked earlier on my blog, do read it up…thanks.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Interesting story. It reminds me of how I really despise the possibility of people hacking into my private emails or tracking my internet activity and supposing they understand my total situation, personal history/experience and inner reasons why I do things.

    With some people I get a gut feeling but never know for sure. And that only adds to my despising what they might be doing. It’s cowardly and slummy, all at once—if they’re doing it, that is. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Wow! I absolutely love how you use real life events to pass across inspiring messages. I’m left with a lot to ponder upon from this. I want my life to reflect love as well, not self absorption or an overly introverted person who pushes everyone away 🙂 Thanks for sharing this BBB!

    Liked by 2 people

  12. What an adventure! Your thought process made me smile. Not the whole potentially unfaithful husband and the need for recovery, but your ability to take one human’s actions and interactions and convert them into a message of love. Thank you for sharing this!

    Liked by 2 people

  13. One word, Suspenseful and D. E. E. P. Ok, that was more than one word…, but you get my drift. You’re so strong! May God bless you and make your path and journey in life easy, blessed, and beneficial to others. Ameen.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks! I’m not sure…I didn’t ask my friend about the case afterwards. I know she was hired by the wife because she had suspicion, but, i don’t know. I think it was probably reported back to her that he was in the company of two other women. Gosh, it breaks my heart to think about how that conversation must have gone and the repercussions. I’m gonna hope that they were still just planning a surprise birthday party…. :/

      Liked by 1 person

  14. “My best friend is actually a forensic psychologist, and basically that means that her life is literally an episode of CSI. Anyway, she had to go on an undercover gig, and, since I’m an actor, she invited me along!”

    Nothing is impossible in your life 😀 so funny

    Like

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