Putting my Foot Down

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Ok. It’s time I step into the confessional.

My personal life has been…a struggle recently. I’ve been feeling out of control.

And I’m going to be honest…it’s because I have just been mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically exhausted.

I’ve been getting home after back to back to back 12-hour days just in such a piss-poor mood, that sitting down and writing something deep and meaningful seems a) incredibly disingenuous, and b) downright unfathomable.

And it’s befuddling. Because I love pouring myself into projects and working hard and hustling.

I thrive on hard work and dedication. It’s part of my make up.


But this time, it’s different.

My body is telling me – imploring me –screaming at me – that everything is not alright.

And I’m not just talking about the permanent stress-twitch I have developed in my right eye.

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Acting is a difficult profession because you’re the lowest man on the totem pole. The hours are long. The pay is practically nonexistent. And you end up having to work survival jobs that are grueling and unglamorous.

But I’m not complaining, because again…I know, I chose this “non-traditional line of work” as my mother continually reminds me.

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But after composing myself after a full-body-shaking sob sesh, I realized why this time was different. Why I’m so soul tired and broken this time around.

This time is different because I am allowing myself to be taken advantage of.

With a project that is pushing the line further and further and further: with non-reembursed time commitments, physical exertion, passive aggressive BS, and disorganized chaos on set.  And me just letting it happen. Taking it.

And after 5 weeks of this – 10+ hours a day, six days a week…I finally broke down.

And I realized that allowing this treatment is completely contradicting everything my recovery is about.

My recovery from anorexia has centered on the journey to accepting the truth that I have worth. Not because of what I do, who I know, what I look like…nothing. I have worth because Jesus says so. He said so when He embraced the Cross.

But allowing this treatment communicates – whether I realize it or not – that I actually don’t believe that. That, it’s okay that I just take it and put up with an inhumane unprofessional situation because, at the end of the day, I don’t matter. I probably deserve that.

And that is false.

I am worth it. I am worth being compensated for my time. For having my time be respected and my intellectual property recognized.

Our actions, whether consciously or unconsciously, communicate messages to ourselves. What do we think we’re worth? Do I allow someone to walk all over me? Am I completely upending my life to meet the needs of someone who doesn’t even respect my time when I’m there?

I am worth respect. I am worth honesty. I am worth dignity.

So where to go from here?

When you’re reading this, a week has passed since I first drafted this post.

After writing this, I took a deep breath, dried my tears, collected myself and did something about it.

I stood up for myself.

I stood up for my worth.

I communicated that I cannot work under those conditions any longer. I need to be compensated and I need to be treated with respect.

And you know what? I feel really good about it.

Because my actions have finally backed up my beliefs. I stood up for myself and put my money where my mouth is.

And if I lose this project, then so be it. Because at the end of the day, my self-worth and self-dignity — everything I’ve worked so hard to solidify in my 8 years of recovery – those things are more valuable than this project. Those things are worth protecting.

So protect them I will.

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

396 thoughts on “Putting my Foot Down”

  4. You know what? You. Go. Girl. You deserve to be treated like a human being. Your time is worth being compensated for. You are ENOUGH. So proud of you for asserting your basic human rights. Congratulations 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  5. So proud of you! Recognizing the heart of that struggle is something so many people struggle with and choose to put up with, so to stand up for your worth and dignity takes so much courage and I really admire that!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. People will take advantage of you if you let them. And if you let people take advantage of you you will earn a reputation of one who can be “used”. God says a man is worthy of his hire so if you are not being paid properly for your hire, you are being used. Glad to hear you stood up for your integrity. God will bring the right job for you, pray and trust Him.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. There is a fine balance between being goal oriented, driven and not overused, and abused. When your body, mind and soul all begin screeming “Stop!” Its time to listen. You go, Girl!! for listening to your body. God’s got this. He will direct your path.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Good for you BBB. You are a person of great worth, because He Who is Worthy said you are, continues to say you are, and gave His life for you to have life.
    At times in this world, we do need to back up, have another look at ourselves, as Jesus sees us, not as the world sees us. Many in the world, and I imagine even a higher percentage in the acting world, push everyone involved to give everything in their lives to complete the project so the writer, director, etc. get rewarded.
    The contrast is, our Heavenly Father gave His Son, Jesus Christ, who gave His life so we get rewarded.

    God Bless you Abundantly, as you live for our Saviour, seeing yourself through His Word as He sees you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks George. Amen to that- He gave His life. That’s the ultimate declaration of worth. And wow what a powerful perspective. This is exactly what I needed to read tonight. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I feel you. I am about to embark on my own journey of standing up for myself. I left my miserable marriage to be happy. Although I have found myself again, my partner is like your profession. I am worth more. I would rather lose my current companionship than to lose myself again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey friend. Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this heartache right now, but stay strong, Melanie. You are so incredibly loved:) and worth it! Sending massive hugs xoxo

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  14. This is very direct and honest words, straight from your heart. It’s also very empowering. I am glad you stood up and made a decision about your self worth. You are more than a job. Never let anyone take advantage of your good nature.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. OMG I received an email notification of your post a few minutes ago and decided what the hell ~ I was going to read it. I’ve been going through extreme stress, angst, you name it in my personal life and have been dealing with it by pouring myself into my German Shepherds blog. Some days I write for 10 hours as I started it at the beginning of her medical journey. I don’t eat, don’t socialize ~ nothing. Im using her blog as my coping mechanism. I haunt even been able to bring myself to read other blogs because I feel guilty if I’m not pecking away at hers. Then I read your entry and am completely blown away. You are such an inspiration (not to mention a hell of a good writer). You’ve got this my friend. We are our own worst critics yet we can be our biggest cheerleaders. So happy to see you have your pom poms out!
    Love from the whilly whacks of Maine💋

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey D! Oh my gosh I’m so sorry that you can personally relate to this and that you’ve been going through a stressful period recently. Know that my heart and prayers are with you and your pup:) you’re right-sometimes we’ve gotta whip out the Pom poms and be our own pep squad! Hang in there my friend. Sending massive hugs xox

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  16. I think I may be able to speak on this subject. Only prior knowledge and experience with chasing Fame. I was caught between the ropes of my job. Like you I worked hard to earn a living. Like you my pay wasn’t very good. I went and signed autographs showed up on time for events. I did that for a year-and-a-half barely making any money if anything at all most of it came out of my own pocket. I don’t want to rant and Rave about what I’ve done in the sports world because that door is shut what I want to tell you is that maybe just maybe God is telling you to be still. Get to know him a lot more. Understand his standard of holiness. The only thing that’s really different between you and I is I never went back to the ring. I don’t know why you’re an actor and I don’t mean to sound mean to you or anything. But you have to know that is a child of God you are more precious then all the gold and silver in the world. you have to also understand that this world you shall have tribulation but be of good cheer. Also understand that although you are not of the world you’re living in it but you are not of it there’s a distinct difference it’s not easy to be discouraged anybody who’s anybody can get discouraged be happy about that and the reason I say that is because discouragement and persecutions should drive you to the word of God. I’m going to come right out and say it you’re very different understand who you are and God’s love. but I feel like it’s necessary. if you need me at anytime you can email me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for this powerful perspective. It really does mean a lot to hear from your experience. It sounds like you know that frustration well. And you’re right-I think this is an invitation to cling to Him. Hugs and love xox

      Like

      7. I got a topic for your YouTube video series. Where has the origins of family friendly entertainment gone? When I asked that question I’m afraid to shows like The Waltons Little House on the Prairie. Mister Rogers Neighborhood and even The Cosby Show if you don’t know what the Waltons on do yourself a favor and ask your lovely mother. I say that because she must be lovely if she raised you

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      9. Yeah I know family friendly entertainment doesn’t exist anymore thanks a lot Despicable Me 1 & 2 and even more so the minions movie. How can that smut be classified as a good for children? I think we need to have a serious discussion you and I about movies. I told you you should just become Canadian

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      10. Please be advised I know it’s been a while since I posted a Blog I haven’t forgotten I’ve just been unable to get to a computer and have an allotted period of time to write 1. I have many ideas to write many devotionals and as soon as I write one soon you’ll be the first to know.

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  17. Today you outdid yourself, BBB!! One of the things most good businesses do when training managers is to warn them about the tendency to load more work on the one who’s already working the hardest. You have a hard assignment that must be done just right? Give it to the one who already produces under the most demanding conditions and who is, consequently, already overloaded. NOOOOOO!!! It is shortsighted and grossly unjust. Good for you! Put your foot down, hold your ground, and protect yourself just as you did. WOW!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. You are a strong, talented, and extremely brave woman, and I salute you. I admire your openness in your posts about your struggles, and also your faith. It’s very inspiring, so thank you for that.

    I can understand the difficulty in creating content and producing your work when all the tanks are empty. I have experienced this myself. I also found a great resource that has helped me balance my time and set priorities in the works of Michael Hyatt. He does a lot of work for productivity in the entrepreneurial sphere, but he has a lot of personal development tools I recommend as well. You should check them out at http://www.michaelhyatt.com. A lot of the stuff he offers for free in his blog.

    Hope this helps! Stay strong! I read every post that comes to my inbox 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Amen sister! I’m going through a very similar situation at work right now. I need to stand up for myself, too, and show that I really believe what I say I do. I have problems talking to my boss because I don’t trust him.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. I just had to share this on my blog. OMG this is exactly how i feel right now. I just finished writing a long an emotional message to somebody i really care about and it was all about my respect and self-worth, in a loving way. You are so inspiring. I’m so glad you made that choice, always make that choice. You are worth being treated as God’s girl. ALL THE TIME. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Brie! I’m honored! I’m sorry you can personally relate. I’m so glad you found the courage to confront the issue in a loving way and stand up for yourself. That’s the best you can do: speak the truth in love, and the truth is you ARE worth it:) thanks for the encouragement! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  26. Hi there, JD! Can you see me way down here? 🙂 just wanted you to know that much of what you said resonated with me, and was particularly helpful in redirecting some of my thoughts, energies, and priorities. Thanks, darlin’! Keep doing what you’re doing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tony!!! Hey there friend! haha you’re funny. So glad it resonated with you 🙂 Hope everything is well in your world 🙂 sending massive hugs. Thanks for always having my back and being a great friend xox

      Like

  28. This is very inspiring! Self-worth is something I struggle with as well, so I understand where you come from. Keep your head up girl! You got this!

    Liked by 1 person

  37. probably I commented on some of your previous blogs that ,”it seems as if it is written for me” and same I feel again after reading to this.
    Mostly I do congratulate people on their good blogs. But I don’t know what to say if something is written seems to be written for me.

    Liked by 1 person

      3. of course I will love to. and why shouldn’t I as it always reveals a “me” in your posts. I really love the blogs you write. I wish you best of luck not just for your writing but for your complete recovery even from the memories of that hard time and wish a new refreshed version of you enjoy your present and future life to its fullest.

        Like

  38. Right on, Kid, (I hope you don’t mind me calling you “kid,” but I’m 87 years old an everyone I know or follow is younger then me, beside, it really is a term of affection.
    Remember this, you are the only one you have to be true to every day, hour, minute of your life. Don’t let others make decisions for you or determine your destiny. Hang in there, Kid.

    Liked by 1 person

  46. Staying busy is a good thing. God created work to be something that we can bring glory to Him through–it was evident in the Garden of Eden. And I’m glad to read that you stood up for yourself, that is always important.

    But being too busy with projects and work to the point where it replaces God is not a good thing. I’m not being critical of being busy, I’m just saying make sure you have some valuable God time in there as well!!!! And that may just mean taking a few minutes to pray, listen for God, or look in His Word at some point during the day. I am completely humbled each time I read a new post of yours simply because of how strong and apparent your faith is–but don’t forget to keep growing it!

    When you stop taking time to be with God, He let’s it go on for a while until you reach a point of realization that you ARE missing something…or someone. Take a look at Luke 10:38-42–Jesus values you, teaching you, developing a relationship with you so that you can get to know him intimately. You do have a ton of self-worth and God just wants to show you that more–so remember to try to constantly and consistently find God in all you do–for He can be found in the smallest of details in all your projects 🙂

    Once again, I am extremely blessed and humbled by another of your posts

    ~Tom

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hey tom, thank you so much for this awesome comment. So much food for thought. You’re so right- taking time for God is so so important. I’d say I listen to 2 podcast sermons a day while I’m cooking but I definitely need to read my bike more and spend more time in prayer. Thanks for this reminder:) grateful for you!! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are more than welcome–one of my gifts is to encourage others, especially my friends. So just keep your eyes on Christ, and look for Him in all you do. You are doing a great job, and you really have come far–don’t let anyone or anything take that from you!

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  47. Let me start with: I’m really proud of you. I’ve struggled with this in a number of jobs, but I never had to worry about putting food on the table.

    Can you refer me to a post that describes an acting experience that you gained fulfilment from? Or could you share one?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey there Brian! Thanks friend:) Sure thing – I’ve written a couple of posts that touch on my acting. Being the Girl in the video, The Secret Garden and Little Orphan Annie. If those aren’t what you’re looking for, I’d be happy to write one:) thanks for your encouragement and friendship:) Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I re-read those, Caralyn. They share some of the inspiration you draw from the stories you’ve acted, but I’m wondering about something more personal. Where do you find joy in acting? Not just happiness or confidence, but a real profound sense of rightness about yourself and your relationship to the world. What happens in your interaction with other actors? Much of the moral license taken by actors has to do with the surrender of the self to a larger purpose, which means that personal boundaries break down – but this, I believe, was also the basis of the Bard’s genius: he wrote his plays with the entire troupe in his mind. And finally, how is it an act of service? For instance, some actors talk of the audience entering with them into another experience, another perspective, another world: that can be an act of service.

        The Secret Garden post also prompted this thought: I had an actress in my orbit for a well, a very famous one, and much of what the world experienced through her was the vulnerability of being “wick.” She had deep self-esteem issues. Having found peace and inner transparency, she now struggles with roles that require her to project edginess and anger. It’s like she just doesn’t buy in to the drama.

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      2. Hi Brian, thank you for these questions. Acting for me is definitely an act of service. Being able to communicate a story to the audience and offer an opportunity to think and reflect is a beautiful thing. And info find great joy in acting. I’ve never felt more fully alive than when I’m on stage, fully in the center of god’s will. I do believe He delights when I’m following my passion. Great food for thought. Thanks

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I would enjoy a post that elaborated those reflections in the context of an actual acting experience. Many actors talk about “being lifted up” by the audience, but when you say “fully in the center of God’s will,” I’m hearing that there’s still some part of you that is in some manner outside of that relationship, and conscious of the Divine will entering into and enhancing the relationship with the audience. In other aspects of life, that leads to a great deal of tension which can manifest as tremendously creative expression.

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  50. I really enjoy your blog! The message is always very powerful. I was a performer for 6 years & I know the mental anguish you are going through. I know how you can be taken advantage of in the industry. But, like you said, “Know your worth.” If this project goes downhill, just know it may be a door closing, but the reason possibly could be another door is opening to allow you to shine even brighter then you are!

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