Putting my Foot Down

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Ok. It’s time I step into the confessional.

My personal life has been…a struggle recently. I’ve been feeling out of control.

And I’m going to be honest…it’s because I have just been mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically exhausted.

I’ve been getting home after back to back to back 12-hour days just in such a piss-poor mood, that sitting down and writing something deep and meaningful seems a) incredibly disingenuous, and b) downright unfathomable.

And it’s befuddling. Because I love pouring myself into projects and working hard and hustling.

I thrive on hard work and dedication. It’s part of my make up.


But this time, it’s different.

My body is telling me – imploring me –screaming at me – that everything is not alright.

And I’m not just talking about the permanent stress-twitch I have developed in my right eye.

giphy

Acting is a difficult profession because you’re the lowest man on the totem pole. The hours are long. The pay is practically nonexistent. And you end up having to work survival jobs that are grueling and unglamorous.

But I’m not complaining, because again…I know, I chose this “non-traditional line of work” as my mother continually reminds me.

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But after composing myself after a full-body-shaking sob sesh, I realized why this time was different. Why I’m so soul tired and broken this time around.

This time is different because I am allowing myself to be taken advantage of.

With a project that is pushing the line further and further and further: with non-reembursed time commitments, physical exertion, passive aggressive BS, and disorganized chaos on set.  And me just letting it happen. Taking it.

And after 5 weeks of this – 10+ hours a day, six days a week…I finally broke down.

And I realized that allowing this treatment is completely contradicting everything my recovery is about.

My recovery from anorexia has centered on the journey to accepting the truth that I have worth. Not because of what I do, who I know, what I look like…nothing. I have worth because Jesus says so. He said so when He embraced the Cross.

But allowing this treatment communicates – whether I realize it or not – that I actually don’t believe that. That, it’s okay that I just take it and put up with an inhumane unprofessional situation because, at the end of the day, I don’t matter. I probably deserve that.

And that is false.

I am worth it. I am worth being compensated for my time. For having my time be respected and my intellectual property recognized.

Our actions, whether consciously or unconsciously, communicate messages to ourselves. What do we think we’re worth? Do I allow someone to walk all over me? Am I completely upending my life to meet the needs of someone who doesn’t even respect my time when I’m there?

I am worth respect. I am worth honesty. I am worth dignity.

So where to go from here?

When you’re reading this, a week has passed since I first drafted this post.

After writing this, I took a deep breath, dried my tears, collected myself and did something about it.

I stood up for myself.

I stood up for my worth.

I communicated that I cannot work under those conditions any longer. I need to be compensated and I need to be treated with respect.

And you know what? I feel really good about it.

Because my actions have finally backed up my beliefs. I stood up for myself and put my money where my mouth is.

And if I lose this project, then so be it. Because at the end of the day, my self-worth and self-dignity — everything I’ve worked so hard to solidify in my 8 years of recovery – those things are more valuable than this project. Those things are worth protecting.

So protect them I will.

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

396 thoughts on “Putting my Foot Down”

  1. I’ve never been through the anorexia battle you have but I’ve been through a self perpetuating situation where I was under appreciated, over worked and bullied. I did what you did, said enough was enough and actually quit for another path. It was so so hard, but so incredibly necessary to admit I was worth more than the people who were dragging me down. Your story inspires further than you know. Good luck! X

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Definitely easier to say it was a good idea from this side of the path! I don’t envy you going through it right now, but big whoop for realising it – that’s half the battle right there xx

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      4. It is so important that you stood up for yourself as allowing yourself to be treated like shit and with no respect is not compatible with recovery however much you love your job and project. I am moving forwards with my writing towards professionalising it doing a course in print and online journalism and a rewrite of my memoir after fantastic feedback from a publisher. I have spent so much time writing and not getting paid for it that I want this to change. I’m not sure I can actually stop writing as I love it so much but if I’m not able to professionalise it I will start putting my energies into working in the field of mental health instead. Good luck with your acting – it’s such a difficult profession..

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Thank you Caroline:) that’s so awesome! Good luck with that-know that I am cheering for you every step of the way:) I think both options are terrific and powerful, and I know whatever you choose to focus on, you will be doing incredible things. Thanks for your encouragement this morning. Hugs and love xox

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  2. Good for you! No . . . GREAT for you! You DO have immeasurable worth. You ARE invaluable. No price tag can be hung around your neck because you are a full human being ~ mind, body and soul ~ created in the image and likeness of God, and redeemed by the precious and most holy blood of Christ Jesus, King of kings and Lord of lords! Therefore, you have every right ~ dare I say obligation ~ to know and live out your immeasurable worth and invaluable value as a fully redeemed, recovered, precious and eternally loved child of God. Blessings to you many times over!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha thank you:) wow, what a kind comment. Seriously. I feel so incredibly validated after reading it. Amen-God is good and it is because of Him that I am free 🙂 hope you are having a beautiful evening. Thanks for reminding me of the inherent value you and I have as a child of God. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You’re worth it because God made you unique, special and talented. We just all need to find the time to allow ourselves to become the person has called us to be. When our body tells us to stop the challenge is to press on! I just updated my Apple Watch this week and tried the breath App for simply one minute. We all need to stop and be still and for people of faith it is in the silence and stillness that we find God once again.

    A quick prayer this morning that all is back on track. God bless.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Rob! What a kind thing to say 🙂 You’re right – we need to have patience. Isn’t it funny that there’s an app for breathing! It just speaks to the fast paced world we’re all so accustomed to 🙂 So glad you stopped by! hugs xox

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  4. Thanks for your transparency here. It’s awesome you were able to identify that you were starting to devalue yourself in this new situation, and find the courage to take a stand. That’s healthy, and inspiring! May God continue to provide you with strength and wisdom for the future. You are so loved!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. That is fantastic! To come to this point in your life you have definitely taken another step in your recovery and it’s a big one. I so enjoy hearing about people coming and very difficult situations to Victory. Standing up for yourself and for your rights and this type of situation is a huge step. Give yourself a pat on the back, and then give God the glory that he has brought you to this point. I see only good things coming out of this.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Go on like this!
    Important is to be happy with yourself, proud of what you do, and relaxed.
    That’s why I think you are on the good way, good thoughts and good road to happiness.
    Well done!
    All the best!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Dear 3B’s,

    Glory to God! Let us rejoice in Jesus for blessing you with both awareness and grace to stand in the belief of what you know to be right for you. I recently came into that awareness myself. With your blessing, I would like to direct readers on my blog “Coffee Break with Carlos Michael” to this particular post. Your words resonated loudly with me, “I am worth it. I am worth being compensated for my time. For having my time be respected and my intellectual property recognized.” Yes, you are worth more than just the compensation. You are a woman of talent and grace; a daughter of the Most High … that alone says it all. If you lose the project, so be it, THERE WILL BE OTHERS!

    Thank you for doing what I only recently did and what so many of us need to do.

    AWAS! (Always With A Smile) …

    Carlos Michael
    http://www.coffeebreakwcm.com
    http://www.carlosmichael.wix.com/carlosmichael

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Below is a copy of my devotion this morning. I post one everyday on Facebook to keep myself accountable. I thought it may be encouraging for you today. You’re making wise decisions. I pray God will open doors for you. He knows how much you’re worth! Stay strong!

    We’re often tempted to praise and serve God based on how we feel at any given time. God’s worthy of praise no matter how we feel. I’ve descovered there’s no better way to overcome negative feelings than by serving and praising God despite the negative feelings. Don’t be a slave to the chemical processes in your brain. Be led by the Spirit and not by your flesh.

    3 O send out thy light and thy truth: let them lead me; let them bring me unto thy holy hill, and to thy tabernacles. 4 Then will I go unto the altar of God, unto God my exceeding joy: yea, upon the harp will I praise thee, O God my God. 5 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.
    (Psalm 43:3-5)

    Liked by 1 person

  19. I know that feeling of feeling like everything you write is just full of crap. It’s like my first indicator that there’s something I need to adjust. Or, alternatively, that there’s a desk I need to hide under and cry, lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. #loudapplause Good for you! I know this feeling all too well. I’m not an actress..unless you count pretending that I don’t know who ate the remaining cookies to my 8 yr old….but I am employed in management, so I get it! Kudos to you, it’s easy to stand up for others, but so hard to stand up for ourselves!

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Every trial that we are given is ultimately for our good, not to break us but so that we may become more spiritually mature (James 1:2-4). Don’t forget to ask for wisdom to endure such trials with faith(James 1:3-8). And we pray knowing that our struggle is not with people “flesh and blood” (Ephesians 6:10-18). Keep looking to Him and He will sustain you with peace through your struggles (Isaiah 26:3)!

    Liked by 1 person

  26. It’s good to get this all off your heart! Get it out of your system. However, when you do so, you need to fill the void with something or it will refill on the same kind of stress and anxiety.

    Try a little scripture reading and prayer to the Lord Almighty. Meditate on His word. Read the Psalms or the Proverbs for clarity and wisdom. Don’t “overload” on it at the beginning, just read a handful of verses along with a prayer. Empty yourself to God, the Author of peace, comfort, and clarity.

    SPJ

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      1. I hope you will try it and that it gives you some peace from a crazy world! Take care and may you find a beneficial relationship with the Lord…

        Lord bless you, “beauty!”

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      5. It can be tough in this world…that’s why we need the One who calls us out of the world and gives us peace and encouragement…the Lord God. It is so easy to get all wrapped up in the things of daily life, and we can’t escape it. We must live “in” the world, but not “of” the world. For those who have Christ in their lives, we look forward in hope of a better world with Him…

        Hope you feel better!

        SPJ

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      7. The world will always be the world, and the Lord knows that. So He has prepared a way for us to be cared for by Him. All we need is trusting faith in His unlimited ability and to call upon Him whenever we feel the need…

        You are so welcome and thank you for reading and responding!

        May the Lord be with you every day and help you as you need!

        🙂

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  29. Good for you! I have been contemplating quitting my job for MONTHS which is probably a sign that I should go ahead and do it, right?! Reading this really helped me pin down what I didn’t like about the company I work for. It doesn’t matter what industry you’re in, bad leaders are bad leaders.

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      1. I totally felt the same way about the warehouse job I used to have. My shift started and finished 90 minutes later than everyone else (different duties), and included cleanup at the end of the day. I did not feel respected by the other production employees, most of whom did not listen when I would ask them, if time permits, to take care of a few simple things to make my job easier (taking care of trash, cardboard, utensils, turning off lights/heaters; little stuff that adds up fast for one person). When I had too much to do, I had to prioritise. Spraying down the rooms and the machines was sometimes time consuming in itself. I didn’t feel respected, and I don’t miss being there.

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  32. Okay, I just had the blessing of reading your recent post. So I’m adding my voice to all the great encouragers. You’ve already done what God wants you to do in this situation with a godly approach to voicing what is right in a circle of people who forget to think about another’s personhood and worth. Standing up for what is ethical and right in this experience tells others in your sphere of influence that you hold in high regard their personhood and worth as well. It’s an important testimony for such a time as this…No worries, dear one. You did good…Trust God for His care. Will be praying for you. ❤

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  33. You’re absolutely right ….the hours we’re expected to work and the way we are treated by our employers sometimes WHATEVER the profession just seems unsustainable doesn’t it?
    Everytime I have annual leave at the moment I just seem to collapse in an exhausted heap …too buzy to organise a proper vacation ….and look at Hiliary Clinton …collapses …diagnosed with pneumonia and bounces straight back to work …it’s not right is it?
    The woman should be given time to recover properly …it’s a cruel culture we live in really sometimes
    Anyway …healing hug to you …it’s Friday …time to chill out:):):):):)

    Like

  34. Amen sister! You have worth and you are invaluable!
    I have been a door mat most of my life it wasn’t until a few years ago I realized this same thing. I do not have to be treated like that.
    I just love reading your posts you always touch my heart in some way. Thank you for being you! ❤️❤️

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  36. It take more courage than most realize to take that internal look and with honesty and courage take a stand.
    Such a big step to see, accept and embrace the person that you are., not because you are perfect but because you are a unique individual that is worth it.
    So simple on black and white but so complex within our “Gray”.
    Please accept my renewed respect and admiration.
    Looking forward to your posts in the future.

    Liked by 2 people

  37. What a great testimony to how strong your inner strength has become, you recognized the situation and had the courage to take the solution. Reminds me of Jesus telling the disciples to shake the dust off their feet and move on when they were not received anywhere. Good for you, God will show a better path for you that will utilize all your talents gained so far. God Bless.

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  39. Practice, practice, practice. I used to think that when I found myself “going backwards” from all the growing/learning/changing in my life, that I just failed. That’s it: it’s all over for me. But that’s not the case at all. I found that I would still fall on my face, devaluing myself and co-dependantly resenting my husband. But then, I had a bit more practice of how to pickup and try again. Every time it’s faster. Every time I spend less time “down in that.” Every time I would get more practice living in the truth of who I am in Christ, and how I want to treat myself and my loved ones.

    Good job practicing!

    Liked by 2 people

  40. You are a beautiful person on the inside as well as on the outside. And you are helping thousands of people, through your own struggles. As a youth pastor, I have found, that people look up to people, who have gone through what they are going through.

    I have read this somewhere: Finding someone suffering from the same mental illness as yourself: priceless. There is some truth to this! We find that we can connect and find healing in the Lord through the support of people like yourself. Who is willing to share their pain, struggles, and victories.

    I cannot always respond to your posts, but I do read them. Thank you for being here and remember this: you are a beautiful person, on the inside as well as the outside. Love ya sister.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my gosh what a kind thing to say. Seriously I’m all warm and fuzzy inside after reading this 🙂 hehe but truly, I appreciate your encouragement and readership. And best of luck in your ministry. What a powerful profession. Hugs and love xox

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  42. Sometimes I think of your face and then I smile inside and then I think to myself that this is strange.

    The other day I thought that you should run for the presidency and then I smiled inside again.

    You are making people feel happy with you face alone.

    You are real and so I am saying so with your face in mind.

    Love in Jesus.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey there terry! Awwwww you just made my day:) 😍 thank you! Hahah oh my gosh the presidency. That’s hysterical!! Seriously though, you’re amazing. Thanks for making me smile:) big big hugs to you friend xox

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  43. Dear BBB,

    Thank you again for your deeply, sincerely self-revelatory honesty. I honor your integrity, in your words, putting your foot down,standing up for yourself, finally backing up what you believe with your actions.

    Not to challenge your sense of your reality – and I raise the following point with care, for I am not you nor was I with you to witness for myself your experience – but I wonder about that word “finally.”

    From reading your posts o’er time, I have my own sense that you are a person of long-sought, now found, deeply held integrity. You are one who strives and succeeds to be true to herself. All of herself, verily, her self – your triumphs and your struggles, your light and your darkness, your searing, again, honesty and your authenticity.

    I say all this to share my sense of you that in your participation in this project, from the beginning, you sought to give of yourself fully and freely, that is to say, with integrity. When the experience chafed your soul because it – and those around you – demanded of you more than was/is equitable, then you and your self-same integrity called you to change course, alter your response to the experience. In all and through all, you were/are being you – yes, woundedly, yet also miraculously, wonderfully whole.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey there Paul. Thank you so much for this. That’s a great question. I guess I said finally because what this project turned into is not what I signed up for. I signed onto the project with the requirement being one night a week for 90 minutes. And it turned into 5-6 days a week for close to 8hrs a day. All with no compensation. It was a little by little progression to that-first two days a week, then three, then switching to daytime, then sometimes Saturday’s, then Friday’s, then earlier call times and later wraps. It kept pushing the boundaries more and more and more. So when I initially signed on for the one evening, I was okay with volunteering my time for a project I was excited about. But this had gone too far. I don’t think I compromised my integrity by putting my foot down, because at the end of the day-that was truly unprofessional, -an abuse of power and taking advantage of a willing and dedicated individual. Hope that clarifies 🙂

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  44. “But allowing this treatment communicates – whether I realize it or not – that I actually don’t believe that.” And the impact of this is demonstrated in the fact that you crossed out the word “inhumane” and substituted it with “unprofessional” – you relegated your innermost feelings to irrelevance and replaced them with a word that complies with the socio-economic norms and demands of modernity. There is nothing “unprofessional” about mistreatment – it is inhumane pure and simple because it assaults your humanity.

    This co-option by economic prerogatives illustrates one of the lies of modernity and it’s construction of work – a lie that causes profound human suffering. The workplace – whether it’s a theatre, a TV set, a farm, a factory, an office, whatever – is not a “neutral space” in which people shuck off their humanity and become robots called “professionals”. The workplace is a social and communal space, one in which the demands of respect and dignity are not replaced or sublimated by the demands for maximal efficiency or productivity.

    Good on you, though, for standing up for yourself. Not enough people do that because they fear reprisal or loss; and it is this fear that enables abusers to continue abusing. But your dignity is worth defending; and your humanity is worth preserving from co-option by the demands of exploitative work practices. Go well! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow what a powerful reflection! Thank you so much. I didn’t realize that when I was crossing out that word, it was actually exemplifying everything I was talking about! But it’s so true! Respect and dignity are rights-not luxuries:) thanks for this great encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  48. Another medal for bravery my friend 🙂 This is a difficult thing to do in any setting, much less in recovery and with a “non -traditional” career. I’m glad you listened to your body and did what was needed to secure your temple.

    *hugs*

    Liked by 2 people

  49. Hi Caralyn, Just wanted to say, first of all, thank you for being the first to read and like my recent post. I can’t keep up with your pace, but I do try to read your posts every now and then. You’re an insightful young woman, as well as courageous, smart, and beautiful, inside and out. You’ve already figured out the importance of self-care — something many women still need to learn. Continue to stay true to who you are. Obviously, you’re affecting a lot of people with your willingness to be so vulnerable. Kudos and a big hug.
    Pauline

    Liked by 2 people

  50. Really, this is a good teachable moment for a very large number of people. Everyone faces challenges. There are people in this world who appear to get their jollies by abusing others in one way or another. When confronted with the situation, people have the choice to speak up or not. Speaking up requires a willingness to accept consequences, whatever they are, but its usually the right thing to do. Once upon a time, there was a simple, vibrant protest song, “have you been to jail for justice?”, written about the need to speak up. Most people either never heard it or have forgotten, but you can find it on YouTube.
    Problems do arise when people act before they have complete information, or when people act on a definition of “right” that others don’t share. ISIS and the KKK fall into the latter category. The TV show, “What would you do?”, encourages the former (fitting since you really have to go to media outside the US these days to get thorough news coverage).

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