On Feeling

Facebook is a funny thing. Honestly, you never know what you’re going to get when you pop on The Book. Will you see a hostile political rant? A funny meme about cats and Crossfitters? A pregnancy/engagement announcement? It’s a veritable grab-bag of posts that can either make you dry heave, bust out laughing or hard core eye roll. Just spin the wheel of fun.

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But sometimes, Facebook can catch you off guard a little bit. Throw you for a loop.

Well tonight, that happened. And it came in the form of a photo. Of this guy, with whom I’ve kinda had a Ross/Rachel-esq friendship-with-romantic-undertones kind of a deal.

*sigh*

I mean. This photo….

Weak at the knees. You feel me?

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But for the last month or two, I’ve completely given up on this guy. Moved on. Tucked away my feelings for him in the “never gonna happen” part of my brain, right next Zac Efron and Zayn Malik.

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I’ve written about him several times on here before. And for a lot of different reasons, it just can never be.

But seeing this photo tonight…it sparked a longing in my heart.

Now, please, people. Don’t get the wrong idea. Not that kind of longing.

But the kind of longing in my heart. For someone to love. Or perhaps more accurately, someone to love me.

Because the truth that I came to tonight, was that I have a lot of love to give. And I want to give someone that love. I want that with every fiber of my broke and messed up being.

I’ve notoriously been a “bottler” when it comes to my feelings, and I’ve gotten better at that. But I’m pretty stoic when it comes to my feelings. I definitely am not one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I like to wear a strong face. Keep up the facade that I’ve got it all together.

But sometimes when no one is around and I’m anonymous in the sea of humanity in NYC, I let my guard down and allow myself to just…feel.

I don’t know, maybe I’m a bit of a masochist, but I turn on my ex-boyfriend and my “Song,” (Howie Day: Collide) and take a walk by the river and just cry. And I’m gonna be honest: it feels really good, in an emotional release/allowing-myself-to-be-“emo” kind of a way.


But walking along tonight, I came to three realizations.

First: I do trust that God has the right man for me. Out there somewhere. And I will meet him at the right time. God will bring him into my life when I am ready.

When I started this blog last year, I was at a very different place.

Night and day different. Not from a “weight/physical recovery” standpoint, but from a “Who am I, really” standpoint.

Through writing this blog, I have truly “unpacked” a lot of baggage. I’ve worked through a lot of things that I had been holding on to. Things that had been hindering me from becoming my true and truly free self. Becoming my truly free in Christ self.

The “pre-BBB Caralyn” was not ready for love. But present day Caralyn, she is.

God has been waiting for me to become whole. To become ready. To become able to love someone, and to allow someone to love me back.

But the second thing I realized, is that no man is going to solve that deep longing in my heart. No one is going to be able to fill that spirit-level desire to love and be loved.

A man can come close, and provide an earthly satisfaction for those relational desires, but only Jesus can truly fill that need. It is only His love that will truly satisfy that longing.

So while, yes I may be impatient to love a man and show him affection and give my heart to someone worthy of receiving it, ultimately, the Man I should be giving it to first, is Jesus.

And in this time that I’m single, that is the relationship I should be focusing on and working on.

The last thing I realized, is that, it’s okay to be angry and sad and feeling these annoyed/impatient feelings at God.

Letting myself cry – is okay. Sure, maybe not every night. But I need to acknowledge those feelings. Feel them. And then move on. Not dwell in them. But give them the appropriate recognition, and move forward.

Perhaps I need to take a respite from the old Facebook for a few. Because, I’m telling you…I see that photo, and I get a little…shall we say…verklempt.

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I needn’t rush the process. God is forming me. Shaping my heart to be able to receive the man he’s preparing for me.

It is my job to just trust. And not get all caught up in a perfectly filtered and chiseled jaw line that pops up on my newsfeed.


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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

228 thoughts on “On Feeling

  1. ” A drop in the ocean
    A change in the weather
    I was praying that
    you and me might end up together
    It’s like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert
    But I’m holding you closer than most
    ’cause you are my heaven”

    Joy is the experience you have once you have obtained that which you’ve longed for, which is good and right, after a period of time of not having

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  2. I love your blog! I remember when I was where you are today. Right now enjoy the alone time. I too was impatient, but it’s important to discover ourselves before we can successfully share our lives with another. Relationships are up and down, and if you desire surviving the long haul (I have been married 17 years now-2 amazing children!) you must first know yourself. Read this old but valuable book if you like: Being and Loving by Alethea Horner. Bless you my sister in Christ and ED. Everything will fall into place, you will see. Keep moving forward, stay positive, TRUST God and you will find peace.

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  3. Interestingly, I had a good, weepy talk with my God this morning and had some similar thoughts on my mind, which I had planned to write out as soon as time allows. (If I do, you may find some of the sentiments familiar!) Permission to feel; not just to stay in remorse but to work through it and move on… I can feel ya on that one, even though my feelings are less about an unknown future than a broken past. 😉 May your future hold so much joy that your heart cannot contain it!

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  4. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. John 16:24

    May you be completely filled with His joy and content with whatever that entails.

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  5. The night blooming cereus flower only blooms once a year. For anything to bloom in the heat of the desert is amazing. It takes a lot of energy to make a flower. Maybe, if everything was perfect it would bloom daily but perfect is not as beautiful. The contrast of this huge flower against the desert greens and browns helps to appreciate it more. It takes time and understanding to appreciate how far someone has grown.

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  6. Pain is love’s way of knowing where it needs to do work in the world. Being willing to acknowledge and experience our pain – to receive it in our hearts – opens the gateway to God’s ministration.

    I applaud your bravery, dear sister!

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  7. It’s hard to not be a stuffer. But sometimes, it’s needed because we just need to let it out. Thank you for being so open, honest, and SUPER BRAVE! From reading your posts, you do have a LOT to give! Making sure it’s given to the right person is the challenge. You are an overcomer and are an incredible encouragement to me in my own struggle with a “broken” and screwed up life. Thank you for bringing a ray of sunshine just by being vulnerable.

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  8. „Now, please, people. Don’t get the wrong idea. Not that kind of longing. But the kind of longing in my heart. For someone to love. Or perhaps more accurately, someone to love me. Because the truth that I came to tonight, was that I have a lot of love to give. And I want to give someone that love. I want that with every fiber of my broke and messed up being.“

    Wow 🙂 …. wonderful words… very lovely.
    Very straightforward. I like your messed up being haha

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  9. „and take a walk by the river and just cry. And I’m gonna be honest: it feels really good“

    Yes. Cry all the bottled up feelings out, please. I see much beauty and truth in that. Your tears are jewels. Rainer Maria Rilke said it very well: “Love consists of this: two solitudes that meet, protect and greet each other. ” Dance in your solitude. It is like rain over the loneliness of the desert, awakening to spring…. from tears to spring… you are sweet like honey… heavenly honey… 😉

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  10. Good on you for working on that one, most-important relationship before getting into another, but, and I say this not to be snarky but from experience, don’t wait TOO long.

    God might put the opportunity in front of you when you don’t feel “ready,” but you will be ready, because nobody ever truly is ready for ANYTHING.

    Case in point: Kids. My wife and I weren’t “ready” save for wanting to have a child. Financially, where we were in life, all of that wasn’t “perfect,” but that was fine. And it’s working out great. Roll with it. Take chances. I get the impression you are talking about being ready in spirit, and from the sound of it, you might be there and just not know it.

    Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. But you know that.

    Anyway, this is just an old dude rambling. I’m sure you’ll be just fine.

    As always, thanks for writing.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I’d like an invitation to your future wedding! But I’ll settle for reading about it on the blog. It’s going to be a real life love story. 100% of believers say God gave them their spouse on their wedding day then 50% of them divorce. Did God mess up? Nope! People aren’t willing to let God’s plan develope. A quarter of the way through this blog/post/writing seriously I can’t think of the proper term. Anyway, a quarter of the way through I was anxious to get to the end. Thank you for putting God first. I’ve just about come to expect people to suddenly give up on God.(Pray for me that’s a terrible attitude.)But such is our culture and it’s heart breaking! Your blog is a great encouragement to me!

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    1. I share your thinking, too many people accept less in life and rush into things to then see them fail, instead if they had persevered and surrendered to God they would be where God had wanted them in the first place. Kudos to you.

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  12. Good post! You are absolutely correct! God takes a lifetime to develop us into the people we were created to be….refining fire…God is patient…and when you are “ready” in God’s eyes for that person he has for you, then God will open your eyes to them…where ever they may be.

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  13. I feel your pain. So many of us have that empty space in our heart for many different reasons. I pray that you find your answer and that you experience all of God’s Joy and Happiness. Peace

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  14. (Did you change your photo in the post?)

    I was reading a couple of other WordPress posts — one from a young woman, 26, who moved to France to take care of her disabled brother. She basically has put her life on hold, but wouldn’t change a thing because she recognizes that this is where God wants her to be.

    The second woman just called off her engagement because the relationship was pushing God out of her life. When she was dating her fiance everything was good, and God was the center of their life.

    But after the engagement their wedding plans, careers and life goals slowly pushed God out of their lives. She loved her fiance, but was emotionally distraught that Jesus was no longer her first love.

    Paul wrote about this in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 — that a married couple becomes more concerned about worldly things rather than things of the Lord.

    Personally, though I wanted children, I never put an ounce of effort in finding a wife. It seemed to me if it was God’s will then it would happen. I didn’t know how, but to just be patient and wait on the Lord.

    Well, it never happened. I sometimes blame myself for being so disinterested, but then I am comforted by a firm belief if God wanted me to be married it would be so.

    When I look back I can only think of a couple of women that I might have married. Most of the women I knew loved the world more than they loved Jesus so I heeded the advice of Paul and remained single because, in the end, it is more important to keep Jesus the center of our life.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing this. Wow what a powerful testimony of faith and selflessness that woman is living. You’re right- we’ve got to keep Him as our life’s focused. What’s the saying? If your hand causes you to sin, chop it off? The Word speaks truth. And yes I did … I got some feedback that it was a little “off brand…” so I changed it. Haha Hugs and love xox

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  15. I am right there with you. My path was dropped on me like a person trying to catch a falling tree but nonetheless here I am in the thick of it.
    It is almost eerie how cliché the saying is about Christmas needing to be our first love but with very little research we can see how many Christian and non Christian marriages end in divorce so I must conclude that most of us have no idea what we are doing or why we are running for the alter. That is a dramatic way of saying that I am no good to a mate if my life is a mess.
    That being said and the experiences of my past help to stifle that heart of mine that suffers from a chronic case of no impulse control. So, thank you very much for the down to earth wording you have used to describe, oh, I don’t know, maybe 98% of the people that breath earth’s atmosphere 🙂

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  16. What a beautiful post! Your warmth and sincerity is so evident. Your story makes me want to share a bit of mine with you. I remember being in a very similar place 21 years ago, after a series of very challenging life events in the span of just a few months. Emotionally, I was spent, but determined to recover.

    I knew that God was helping me get it back together, but sometimes, it felt so slow! In the middle of trying to figure it all out, I prayed that God would send me the right man when He thought I was ready. In my opinion, that wasn’t going to be anytime soon, so I settled in for a long wait.

    Well, God had different ideas, because three weeks later, I met my husband. Luckily, he is an emotional rock, because I needed one. He also brought much-needed lightness and laughter back to my heart. Most importantly, we had a similar faith outlook, and after spending too much time with certain friends who didn’t share those views, that made all the difference.

    We are now approaching 20th anniversary, and are blessed to be raising four teenagers. There have been so many ups and downs, we never could have gotten through them without God’s help. Even with all the busyness in our day-to-day, there is always an awareness that He is at the centre.

    Whatever God’s plan is for you, it will be revealed to you in ways that you could probably never predict or imagine! I wish you patience and openness and many blessings, whatever that plan turns out to be. Thank you for your lovely post. 🙂

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  17. Beautifully said, Caralyn. I’ve found myself in this place far too many times as well and the love of Jesus has always brought me back.

    This is incredibly off topic but I’m currently rethinking some of my blogging strategy. My hope and goal is to feature more blog posts sharing other people’s stories instead of my own. I feel as though mine has been shared and there are others who need to have a voice and there are those who can be encouraged by other struggles.

    Long story short: Would you be willing to submit a post detailing your story and how the Lord brought you out? It’s not a time sensitive matter so there’s no rush. I’m just now beginning to set things up. Email me if you would like to: confessionsmalin@gmail.com

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    1. Hi Matthew! Thank you so much for this reflection. Jesus always does bring us back:) and thanks for the invitation! Yes! Please feel free to share any of my posts! I would be honored:) I will try to write a fresh one for you in the upcoming weeks. Right now life is a bit crazy but I love the idea and will work on it! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Caralyn, what happened with the last date you had? I must have missed your post?You’re just so beautiful inside, I wish I could do more for you. I do understand about having the desire to love and be loved, it’s in everybody’s veins. I have heard this before from my daughters and in each case I saw it come to fruition when the time was right for them to fully appreciate the person that they have now. I believe that before they weren’t ready, they had yet to learn some lessons about life and grow into it eg. patience,empathy, unselfishness….. so to speak. These are gifts given to us by the Holy Spirit. Keep praying and ask the HS to especially give you the gifts of patience, understanding, knowledge and wisdom. May the Holy Spirit infill you afresh with His gifts of patience, understanding and wisdom. ❤

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    1. Hey there friend! Haha yeah I only briefly mentioned it. It went well! A lot of fun and I am so glad I went. You’re right-so so true. There are days I feel I am ready but then others like today where I realize just how not ready I am to give up y self-focused life. Not in an egotistical sense really, although boy am I also guilty of that-butnin the sense of being focused on my friends, my career, my “stuff.” So yeah-I think I’m still on the cusp. Thanks you for always being so encouraging and kind and sharing your wisdom and insight. It means the world:) big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  19. IT IS GREAT to see you in this stage of mind. And amen to all your ‘ three realization’ .
    ” but only Jesus can truly fill that need ” A big Amen for this. Some people go through a big storm till that they realize to this statement you told( me and so many of us). This is the story of Lost Son( lost child , lost family , lost hearts , i encourage you to read my week nutrition message) whom lost everything he had , but came to himself that ” i am going to back home , my situation was better than this , i am starving and dying here”. ‘ This realization ‘ ( as you said) return us to where we belong . So two things will happen 1- Return Home 2- Repentance (RR). He is the Father of all. And His love and kindness never be ended . He will run to us .

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  20. Don’t forget to work on your relationship with yourself as well 🙂 I know it is the cheesiest corniest line, but it was when I truly fell in love with myself that the love of my life appeared in my life. I too was impatiently waiting to share all the love I had with a man, but in the process was forgetting that I was worth loving. In learning to love myself I have found love externally. Thank you for being brave enough to share this with the world. Stay strong, it will come when it is meant to ❤

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  21. Great post. As one who is on the other side of finding “the one” for me and as one who also waited and kept myself for my best friend, I can offer assurance that your hope and diligence are not in vein, and that you will find your eternal love as a token of the promise from God as you have also kept yourself pure and chaste. “The Lord is not slack concerning his promise” (2 Peter 3:9).

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  22. Such a great post! You’ve worked through so much, and realized things that some people go through their entire lives trying to understand! God has wonderful plans for you, Caralyn, just you wait and see! God bless you, girlfriend xx

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  23. Great post! I admire how brave you are to share this with others! I had been in the same place for quite a while before meeting my husband. Like you stated, I just had to trust God’s timing and learn to be patient. I know that you will get through this with the Lord’s guidance and love.
    This is extremely off topic, however, I just wanted to let you know that I nominated you in a blogging challenge called three days, three quotes if you are interested in participating! Here is the link to my blog post about the challenge if you’d like to take a look: https://allthngsabbey.com/2016/10/24/three-quotes-three-days-challenge-day-three/
    I really enjoy reading your posts, keep up the amazing work! 🙂
    I hope you have a lovely day!

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  24. I honestly believe that loving Jesus first is the true way in life, and then when everything is going perfectly for you he will find you a partner to settle down with. Jesus Loves You Me and All.

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  25. The following is spot on truth:
    “no man is going to solve that deep longing in my heart. No one is going to be able to fill that spirit-level desire to love and be loved.

    A man can come close, and provide an earthly satisfaction for those relational desires, but only Jesus can truly fill that need. It is only His love that will truly satisfy that longing.”

    I’ve been married twice, the first time I was impatient, afraid I would never be loved, afraid of abandonment, and afraid of being alone. I, and my children from that union, paid a huge price for wilfully doing it my way rather than waiting on the Lord.
    God used that choice and the consequences of it to teach me important lessons, painfully learned.

    I’m now married to a man I actually first met when I was 14. As a teen, I determined he “wasn’t my type”. Turns out he “is” my type and I both like and love him.

    However, I have also learned that while he provides companionship and love, he is still not able to fill the deepest needs of my heart that only Jesus can fill.

    I’ve come to learn the only wise way to love is to love God first and foremost. Put one’s everything into a relationship with Jesus first. Then one is free to love another “despite” all our combined human flaws and imperfections.
    And in the times that significant other lets us down, we are not devastated-disappointed yes, but not devastated.

    Thus it is we can carry on living and loving, because our “needs” are not all wrapped up in someone who, by human nature, cannot “complete” us.

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  26. HIS love is vast, eternal, unconditional. Your post was brave, well written, thoughtful, clearly done lovingly and with great effort. Thank you for it. Jeremiah 29:13. Take care!

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  27. You’re going to be alright. I know it can be tough, being patient sucks sometimes but we get into trouble when we try and force things into being. Some believe in the holy spirit and some believe in the human spirit, look within and one day you will find someone deserving of you.

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