Facebook is a funny thing. Honestly, you never know what you’re going to get when you pop on The Book. Will you see a hostile political rant? A funny meme about cats and Crossfitters? A pregnancy/engagement announcement? It’s a veritable grab-bag of posts that can either make you dry heave, bust out laughing or hard core eye roll. Just spin the wheel of fun.
But sometimes, Facebook can catch you off guard a little bit. Throw you for a loop.
Well tonight, that happened. And it came in the form of a photo. Of this guy, with whom I’ve kinda had a Ross/Rachel-esq friendship-with-romantic-undertones kind of a deal.
I mean. This photo….
Weak at the knees. You feel me?
But for the last month or two, I’ve completely given up on this guy. Moved on. Tucked away my feelings for him in the “never gonna happen” part of my brain, right next Zac Efron and Zayn Malik.
I’ve written about him several times on here before. And for a lot of different reasons, it just can never be.
But seeing this photo tonight…it sparked a longing in my heart.
Now, please, people. Don’t get the wrong idea. Not that kind of longing.
But the kind of longing in my heart. For someone to love. Or perhaps more accurately, someone to love me.
Because the truth that I came to tonight, was that I have a lot of love to give. And I want to give someone that love. I want that with every fiber of my broke and messed up being.
I’ve notoriously been a “bottler” when it comes to my feelings, and I’ve gotten better at that. But I’m pretty stoic when it comes to my feelings. I definitely am not one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I like to wear a strong face. Keep up the facade that I’ve got it all together.
But sometimes when no one is around and I’m anonymous in the sea of humanity in NYC, I let my guard down and allow myself to just…feel.
I don’t know, maybe I’m a bit of a masochist, but I turn on my ex-boyfriend and my “Song,” (Howie Day: Collide) and take a walk by the river and just cry. And I’m gonna be honest: it feels really good, in an emotional release/allowing-myself-to-be-“emo” kind of a way.
But walking along tonight, I came to three realizations.
First: I do trust that God has the right man for me. Out there somewhere. And I will meet him at the right time. God will bring him into my life when I am ready.
When I started this blog last year, I was at a very different place.
Night and day different. Not from a “weight/physical recovery” standpoint, but from a “Who am I, really” standpoint.
Through writing this blog, I have truly “unpacked” a lot of baggage. I’ve worked through a lot of things that I had been holding on to. Things that had been hindering me from becoming my true and truly free self. Becoming my truly free in Christ self.
The “pre-BBB Caralyn” was not ready for love. But present day Caralyn, she is.
God has been waiting for me to become whole. To become ready. To become able to love someone, and to allow someone to love me back.
But the second thing I realized, is that no man is going to solve that deep longing in my heart. No one is going to be able to fill that spirit-level desire to love and be loved.
A man can come close, and provide an earthly satisfaction for those relational desires, but only Jesus can truly fill that need. It is only His love that will truly satisfy that longing.
So while, yes I may be impatient to love a man and show him affection and give my heart to someone worthy of receiving it, ultimately, the Man I should be giving it to first, is Jesus.
And in this time that I’m single, that is the relationship I should be focusing on and working on.
The last thing I realized, is that, it’s okay to be angry and sad and feeling these annoyed/impatient feelings at God.
Letting myself cry – is okay. Sure, maybe not every night. But I need to acknowledge those feelings. Feel them. And then move on. Not dwell in them. But give them the appropriate recognition, and move forward.
Perhaps I need to take a respite from the old Facebook for a few. Because, I’m telling you…I see that photo, and I get a little…shall we say…verklempt.
I needn’t rush the process. God is forming me. Shaping my heart to be able to receive the man he’s preparing for me.
It is my job to just trust. And not get all caught up in a perfectly filtered and chiseled jaw line that pops up on my newsfeed.
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