Seeing the Big Picture

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

It always amazes me how the littlest thing can really set you off, emotionally.

I don’t know if it was because the election has emotions running high, or because I was overly tired after a weekend of perhaps a little too much fun, but I found myself watching the American Music Awards (AMAs) last night, and just…crying.

And not because of a particularly moving Justin Bieber performance. Or because Drake made a Degrassi reference in his acceptance speech.

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I was crying for a reason that I am embarrassed to admit. Because, it’s rather…well…not the most attractive. Let’s call it what it is…

I was crying for me.

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I was watching these performances and singers and presenters and just feeling sad that, frankly, I’m a struggling actor/singer in NYC.

It was a bit of a harsh dose of reality that these “kids” who were always a year or two younger than I, are now adults, with seasoned careers, and even – dare I say it – beginning to show their age.

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My life has not been the smooth sail I thought it would be. It has taken several life altering detours that, the fire-cracker child actor in me would have never imagined.

Right when I was on the precipice of perhaps a career launching college decision, I developed ulcerative colitis, and shortly after, a life threatening case of anorexia. The former, incurable, the latter, might as well have been for a good, oh, 2 years.

But my life was never the same. After becoming “well” and finishing college and moving to NYC, thinking I was back on track and on my way to achieving my dreams, my ulcerative colitis decided to roar back, and I was left, debilitated on bed rest for a full 11 months.

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And writing this right now, the tears are just streaming down my face, stuck in a headspace of self pity and just what could my life have been?

Watching the performers – all of whom are my age – and the energy and allure of it all, I couldn’t help but imagine…I’ll let you finish that thought because the sheer absurdity of it, I just can’t.

Opening up my laptop tonight, I had fully thought I was going to be writing a Thanksgiving post. But interrupted by the onslaught of waterworks, I veered from the plan. But I’m reeling it in.

After I was done crying and having a mini pity party, I took a step back and finally began to see the lesson that God was trying to teach me, by allowing this tearful moment.

I remembered my purpose for writing tonight in the first place: Thanksgiving.

I have a lot to be thankful for:

Namely: my life.

Sure, maybe the plans for my life were interrupted, but I’m here.

I’m alive.

Entering inpatient, I was hovering at 78 pounds, barely hanging on, and by the grace of God, I was able to get better and truly heal, mind, body and spirit.

And to have been also able to heal from my ulcerative colitis and keep it in remission, God has come through time and time again for me.

And that’s what I need to remember. That’s what I need to think about the next time I get a lump in my throat, thinking about the dreams that I may feel have died.

Because I didn’t.

I didn’t die.

I lived.

And that’s a damn big thing to be grateful for.

Sitting here on the cusp of 2017, am I thankful for having gone through such a severe case of anorexia and my autoimmune disease?

No.

But I am thankful for the lessons I’ve learned along the way. For the way it annihilated my pride, and made me truly have to learn to put my trust, my faith, my body, my plans, my schedule, my everything in God’s hands. For the way it has strengthened the relationships in my family. For the way it has changed me for the better.

And as if God hadn’t shown me enough tonight, right as I was finishing this, I received this text message from my father

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The person I have become. 

What a father. Thanks, dad.

So this Thanksgiving, I’m going to look around the table, and be grateful. Grateful that I’m no longer ridden with anxiety at the food on my plate. That I’m healthy and able to live my life without the crippling ravages of ulcerative colitis. That I’m surrounded by a family that loves me unconditionally. And delighted in by a Father in Heaven that has shown me again and again that He will rescue me.

My life may not be the flashy Hollywood performance I once dreamed of, but God’s been flashy in His mercy and grace. And I’m okay with that.

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

302 thoughts on “Seeing the Big Picture”

  2. Once again you have written an honest and heart touching post. Maybe it is because I have two daughters and the message from your Dad being so timely. I once asked one of my pastors to pray for a healing from my depression…which he did but also wondered if my role is to be an advocate for treatment which I do through my blog. You have an understanding of your illness and a platform here which could be helping so many people as you share your walk of faith. You and I would not be the people we are today and have our public platform had we not lived our illness. Thank you.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. What an awesome, amazing, affirmative testimony! So very, very encouraging and I want to personally THANK YOU b/c I’ve been struggling lately with my own “dreams that seemed to have died.” But you know what, deep down inside I’ve always believed that God is the ultimate Dream-maker AND (eventually) the Dream-fulfiller. I’m holding on to that now, believing that God can and will take my writing to newer, better and more exciting, purposeful and fulfilling heights! I really believe He will do the same in your life! As always, blessings to you!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow, this is so touching. Seriously, thank you my friend. Amen! God IS the dream maker and fulfiller. I’ve never thought about it that way but oh my gosh it is so so true. And what a powerful perspective. Thanks for shedding light on that awesome truth! yes! will be praying for your writing to be used for His plan and purpose! 🙂 hugs ox

      Liked by 1 person

  4. “…stuck in a headspace of self pity and just what could my life have been?
    Watching the performers – all of whom are my age – and the energy and allure of it all, I couldn’t help but imagine…”

    But I’d bet you’d never have imagined what Father knitted into your destiny when he said, “Let us make…Caralyn.”

    “He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes I will give some of the hidden manna to eat. And I will give him a white stone, and on the stone a new name written which no one knows except him who receives it.”’

    To you who have overcome, who has been victorious, hidden manna, secret strength and sustenance only available because you are an overcomer, and a white stone with–what is it?–a new name, a new identity, only you know because only you have gone through what you have gone through–and after years of having this false Caralyn identity full of sickness and self-destructive spirals it’s time for you–just you–to know to the core, ‘This is who I really am’ … so look at your white stone, it’s the purest ‘you’, and it’s the reason why you are where you are, and it’s the reason why you are growing in the direction you’re going, and it’s the reason why you have a place in the rest of eternity–because Father made you–one face in billions and trillions and zillions–to be your own unique reflection of His glory. Don’t drop your stone ❤

    And that's all I have to say about that (:

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh my gosh, Carson, this brought a tear to my eye – seriously. Wow. Thank you for this incredibly beautiful and powerful response. I love that imagery of the stone. So true – God has handcrafted each and everyone of use, and has a unique plan in place for every one of his children. Thanks for this beautiful reminder. hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. (Totally forgot to add that reference is from Revelation 2) It was the first thing that came to mind and the more I was thinking/writing (because yes, I think before I write haha 😉 ) about it, it just feels so like what Father wanted you to hear from me from him today, SO! Thank-you Father for your hidden manna; we love it and how You provide for us and take special care of us when we’ve faced our darkest places.

        You know, I’ve kind of shied away from anything sort of like, institutionalized about Christianity, what I mean by that, for example, the idea that God has a ‘plan’ for everyone, that almost makes me a little sick (and I know that God does have a plan for everyone because he said so through Jeremiah, ‘I know the plans I have for you, they’re good!’) but what church culture, especially the one I grew up in, has done with that has turned it into work and how he’s just going to use us (and I know how silly or whatever ‘just going to use us’ sounds because it should be a privilege from the Creator of the Universe but…)

        I guess what I’m trying to get at is, it’s so much more. His plans are so much more than me getting a great, tear-jerk testimony to do his work with, his plans for us are to love us, and to care for us tenderly and compassionately, to create a world with us included in his family…and yeah, when we become so full of his love and his identity for us in Jesus there’s no question, I can’t help but want to share it, but he’s in it for me, and ultimately he’ll go after everyone else with or without me, because he’s in it for them too. It just works out that we become family together with him as we come together with each other, because family is his nature.

        And okay I don’t have any idea where that all came from so I’ll end my rant while I’m ahead!!! Haha… Happy Monday Caralyn!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. oh! gotcha. it is amazing how He provides for us. And you’re so right, His plans are so so much more. no, no, I love it! You have such a kind heart and it shows in the passion in your writing. You’re right, it all boils down to His love, because no matter how we strive, or achieve, or titles we earn or degrees or whatever…without knowing His love, we will never truly feel whole and at peace. Thanks again, Carson. hugs xo

        Liked by 1 person

      3. And I just really love that rock picture because it’s solid and permenant and that means our odentities are true and permenant and eternal in Father’s love for us… wonderful!
        Haha, I’m glad you get something out of my rants cause sometimes I look back and I’m just like, “Wha– …who is this guy and where the heckle freckle was he going with this???” So thank-you for being gracious and patient! ;D
        And again, you’re also very welcome!

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  5. I think I went “Exactly!” like five times while reading this XD gratitude truly is the key to happiness. I’m glad that you were able to find the beauty in your life again and not feel so sad anymore. As I’m sure you know, celebrity life isn’t all that it’s cut out to be either. Your life is always good enough, you just have to be able to see it 🙂 God bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this encouragement, my friend. You’re right – gotta see with eyes of gratitude, because there really is a lot to be grateful for. And so true – it’s definitely not the “be all end all.” So glad you stopped by. thanks again for brightening my day. hugs oxx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Your life is a gift just the way it is. God has you just where he wants you. Am thankful I found your blog and through share some of your life. And any daughter who is a hero to her father the way you are has received an award that most of those on the show you watched may never receive. The love of not only an earthly father but a heavenly One too. Thank you and have a blessed Thanksgiving. You truly are blessed. John

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I cried watching the AMAs too for similar reason. Many of us have unfulfilled dreams but whatever our circumstance, things are most often as they should be. Often in hindsight do we realize that though. You’re fortunate to find your way to thanksgiving / gratitude now.

    Selena Gomez’s acceptance speech about having everything yet being broken. No words and more tears. The best is yet to be.

    Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Fame and commercial success are shallow accomplishments compared to the grace and wisdom you have earned through real life experience. Congratulations on real success. You have so much to be proud of. Have a happy and blessed Thanksgiving!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. This was so totally inspiring! As a musician, I can relate to your struggle. It really helped put things into perspective. Thank you for you constant thoughtful, supportive and comforting posts! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you so much. what a kind thing to say. I’m so glad this resonated with you 🙂 yeah, we keep at it because we have a passion for the artistry of it all. hang in there friend. 🙂 big big hugs xo

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  14. @Beautybeyondbones

    This was written in such a wonderful manner. I just wanted to encourage you. Just because you see younger artists out there with a career, does not mean you are failing in life. You have the beautiful experience to grow in life while pursuing your career and that is a beautiful thing because as I once heard it said, “What good is it to have position if you do not have the substance to sustain it?”

    These artists that are younger tend to not know what to do with what they get, but this much I can tell you, that once you do get your breakthrough in your career, you’ll be able to enjoy it fully, because you learned how to enjoy the journey getting there, and that plays a big role, in the heart of Thanksgiving.

    Stay strong.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Wow, you really are a great writer 🙂 I felt a lot while reading this – esp when your dad stepped in with that text. He loves you so much! I’m thankful I got to read this post from you :)) youve been through so much & youre so authentic and not afraid to be emotional. Happy thanksgiving!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but seriously. Your dad is an awesome guy. Plain and simple. You are so incredibly blessed to have the parents you do have.

    May your Thanksgiving be blessed with family and turkey and pumpkin pie (unless you prefer apple…?) and God’s peace. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  17. My dear friend I’m going to do something that is an occupational hazard of sorts. I’m going to give you scripture and it’s my favorite piece from the Old Testament. It sort of sums up our life here on earth. Take time and read it…then listen to the song about it. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. https://youtu.be/pKP4cfU28vM

    You know what I’m thankful for? I’m thankful for the people like you, for friends and family and most importantly the sacrifice that was made for me on Calvary. Keep your chin up hun and if you need an ear or a shoulder (I have to big ones) I’m here for you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Padre Tatro, thank you so much for sharing this. There is always so much comfort in God’s Word, and if this is YOUR favorite passage, then I KNOW it’s gonna be good:) amen to that- We all have a lot to be grateful for–we just have to look at the cross. Thanks for stopping by. Looking forward to diving into scripture tonight. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  19. OMG! You got me crying with this. As a man, I feel exposed just saying that. But I could relate to why you were feeling down, as in I’ve got a manuscript for a novel that I’m very proud of, that took me 12 years to write, and I was so thankful to God when it was done, except now I have a hard time finding an agent or editor who sees it the way I do because it doesn’t fit neatly into any genre. It has Christian characters and themes, but it’s not Christian fiction because the Roman world where it’s set was a very seedy culture, and I’m a stickler about portraying that realistically, so it’s too risque for most Christian publishing and too Christian for secular publishing, but I can’t change it without taking the soul out of the story and the characters, so do I sell my soul – figuratively speaking – to get it published, or do I self-publish and face the daunting task of doing all the marketing myself? And wondering why did God give me a story that took so long to get right with no clear path on how to sell it… AAARRGGHHH!!!!
    And then that message from your father. I couldn’t help it. I broke down and cried myself. I know it was addressed to you, but it struck me as if it were my heavenly father talking to me and saying, “Don’t worry, Son. I’ve got this. I didn’t take you this far to leave you in the middle of a no-win situation. I know the way I have prepared for you. I’m here with you, as always.”
    Sorry this is so long. I know with all the comments you have to read I shouldn’t have just dumped all my thoughts here. But thank you for helping me be thankful again.

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    1. Aw thank you David! I’m sorry to have made you cry!! Wow 12 years! That’s amazing! Sounds like a pretty awesome book. You’re right. I believe it will end up in the right hands. Hang in there. I know, it made me cry as well. So grateful for that amazing man. No no don’t apologize! THANK YOU for the thoughtful reflection! Big big hugs to you xox

      Liked by 1 person

  20. Your post was so sincere, it brought tears to my eyes. You have something else to be thankful for…the blessing and gift of being able to touch others through words. That is not an easy thing for anyone. I believe it is a God given talent. You have gone through hell, and you kept going…and, you have been richly blessed. And, one of the greatet things is that you realize it. Being a single father of three kids, I hope they will grow up being thankful for everything in their lives. That they will not take things for granted. I can tell you ceratinly don’t. Thank you for sharing this. It wasa very touching.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Just. Wow. You never cease to amaze me with the way you can put so much heart and soul and truth and REALNESS into your posts. Your writing is so all encompassing and I’m so glad to be a part of your audience. You didn’t know it when you started writing, but this was partly for me today, for the kind of day I’ve had and the raw emotions I’ve had to deal with from “things”. I know that God led me to this tonight and used it to soothe me in so many ways. Thank you, and God bless you!

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I was really nervous to publish this one, so thank you for the affirmation. You’ve absolutely robbed my heart with your words so thank you:) I’m so glad it resonated with you. Hang in there. Hope “things” get brighter in the morning. Big big bear hugs xox

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  23. Great post BBB. As a “struggling” author and speaker I feel your pain. Wisdom and love are the most valuable things in the world, and you have lots of both… in large part because of your trails, headaches, and heartbreaks. They will equip you well for when you make it, so you can be entrusted with the privilege of success, instead of it getting you.

    Liked by 3 people

  24. You are truly inspiring! Thank you for always putting yourself out there and keeping it real. I love reading all your post! They are highlights of my day when I get an email notification. Blessings to you!!

    Liked by 1 person

  28. This post truly has inspired me. You have overcome so much, and gotten so far. My struggles don’t even begin to hold a candle to yours, and you’re doing so well.

    It’s a proverbial kick in the arse!

    If YOU, being what you have been through, can be gracious, determined, and overcoming, than what says I can’t! Whose to say I can’t overcome my struggles, and that my struggle isn’t worth it?

    so with that, THANK YOU!!!! You ma’am, are awesome!

    Liked by 1 person

  30. This is great victory! In everything that matters, you have won, Caralyn. There is still a little bit of groaning associated with it, perhaps, as with everything we face on this side of the Veil. But there is a crown in heaven that awaits you for this. Jesus will be telling your story to others. Come to think of it, he’s doing that now, through this blog. Well done, good and faithful servant.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Brandon. I so appreciate your encouraging words. So true, nothing will ever be as sweet as Heaven. This life is an exercise in trust and faith in His goodness. Amen to that. Thank you so much, my friend. I am incredibly touched by your kindness. big big hugs xo

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  34. I can relate to your story. I’m not a singer or actor or even in a remotely related field . . . but those shows have occasionally left me feeling that I’ve somehow fallen behind in some way in my career. USA Today had a story last week that that talked about how social media often has the same affect, playing with our minds “to keep up with the Jones.” The lesson for me anyway is to remind myself how far I’ve come and how far I still want to go. As your post shows, you’ve come through so much. Keeping battling and remember too how far you’ve already come. God has a plan for you. Thank you once again for sharing!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for this, Brian. Oh gosh, I so feel you. Social media can often feel like just one big competition of people’s highlight reels. I sometimes just have to log off and be like, “you is kind…you is smart…you is important…” haha jk jk…but really. So true, thank you for the encouragement! big big hugs xox

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  36. I feel the same way all the time–what have I done with my life? Especially when people a lot younger than me seem to have done a lot more. But I try to remember that God takes each of us on the journey that will make our souls the most beautiful–not necessarily our resumes. 😉

    I’m reading the book Unbroken now–it’s about an Olympic runner whose career is interrupted by WWII and a nightmarish imprisonment in a POW camp, which leaves him crippled so he can’t run, and with a bad case of PTSD. In the end, I’m told, he finds God and manages to forgive the captors who tortured him. So I don’t think we can really say his story is just about running–and I wonder if my story is about what I think it is, either.

    I think a lot of the saints had similar cataclysmic interruptions in their stories . . .

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this, Rose Marie. Amen to that – He takes us on an incredible journey — one prepared especially for us. And yes, we become soul-beautiful along the way. I love that thought. thank you for sharing it. And that sounds like an incredibly powerful book! I’ll have to look into it. thanks for stopping by. happy thanksgiving xox

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  37. Another thing to consider…God gave you those obstacles to possibly save you from something even worse than what those were (and those two were/are pretty hard to deal with!). So thankful that God gave you life, even when your dreams had to be put on hold. He has walked you through the fire and refined you to be better than you were yesterday. Keep letting him refine you. The process may be super uncomfortable and downright hard, but the beauty after is so worth the pain and suffering. Blessings!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What a powerful thought! Thanks for that, Shoni. You’re right – God knows EXACTLY what He’s doing – I just need to trust, and then sit back and enjoy the ride haha. But seriously, thank you for this touching note. you’re a blessing to me! have a beautiful thanksgiving, my friend! xox

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  38. It’s absolutely wonderful that you have come through the things you have, and that you know who to look to when things get tough. I believe that you will still achieve your dream. Even though other things might have interrupted it, and halted it a little bit, you can still get there. But always remember not to sacrifice what is important just to get there, and always remember who the people are that support you. I wish you luck on your journey. : )

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Carmen. What a kind note of encouragement. So true – I have so much to be grateful for — from my faith, to my family and friends, to my health — there is nothing that would be worth compromising or jeopardizing those things:) I appreciate your kind words! hugs and love to you friend xox

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  39. Your tears became my tears as I read this, because tonight I am having the same pity party. It hurts SO much when you look around at your peers and see them living lives you never could because of illness. Thank you for your inspiring words. If no one else needed to hear it, I did. Keep on sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw thank you so much 🙂 I’m glad it resonated with you. You’re right-it can be an easy place to slip to- but where we are is exactly where we’re supposed to be. We’re being shaped into the people we’re meant to be:) I fully believe that. Hugs to you friend xox

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  40. I read a quote just yesterday that feels appropriate for this post. It’s from “Big Magic”–a book about the creative process by Elizabeth Gilbert:

    “You can measure your worth by your dedication to your path, not by your successes or failures.”

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  41. An honest and very moving piece. We have all dreamed to be someone or something yet in the majority of cases things do not turn out that way.

    We grow stronger by rising every time we fall and we grow wiser the more times we have to do it.

    Our path may not be the one we wanted, but to be on a path at all given the things we have to overcome at times is indeed something to be thankful for.

    Great post and wishing you all the best for Thanksgiving from the other side of the pond 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. You’re right, our paths are definitely something to be thankful for-because they make us grow and learn and become the person we’re supposed to be. Glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox

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  43. Yes Caralyn, we have every reason to be grateful to God for everything, both in sunshine and in rain and even in the darkest of times.

    But we are many who are grateful to YOU, for the love and joy you are spreading on your amazing blog, and for sharing your emotions like few others. Having a #1 hit on the charts is one thing, spreading and sharing love from God, as you do, is by far, superior.

    Lennart

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  44. Your conclusion sums it all up. God is who He is, and His plans are to give us an expected end, of course you might have gone through a lot, but God’s plans are great and this is just a stepping stone. You’re alive and that’s the greatest testimony. He has blessed you with life and a wonderful family.
    Great post!

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  46. I love this! Thank you! Just remember, there isn’t any shame in admitting something is hard, either. Even if it’s hard to admit you wanted some things that haven’t happened, and cry for yourself. In the words of Victor Frankl: “But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer.”

    Have a happy Thanksgiving! I believe in you!

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  48. Hi princess Carolyn, remember I told you I call you Princess because you are the precious daughter of an Almighty King… Now, even your earthly father sends you such an uplifting and awesome sms just as u wrapped up that ‘mini self pity party’ like he guessed you needed that. Ain’t that amazing? I could on and on but I really want to tell you am grateful for all you share and the spirit connection I feel each time I think of u or read from u… Let me conclude my comment by sharing one tip I learnt from Michelle McKinney Hammond about being satisfied and grateful with your life as is: Not only is God aware of everything, but even that everything is nothing because it will all come to vanish… All is temporal. Have a great day 🙂

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    1. Hi Marie! I just have to tell you, it always brings a smile to my face when you call me that because it reminds me of my true identity in Christ! Thank you so much! Aww I’m grateful for YOU and your friendship and uplifting words. It means the words. God is good. Have a beautiful day! Hugs and love xox

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  49. I can see where you are coming from after having watched the music awards. I think we all go through some ‘IF’ moments.But once we come down to it I would never want to be in those people’s shoes. No privacy, everyone knows your business, much scrutiny, being told how and what to do and say, when to get up and go to sleep, what to wear and not to wear, where to be seen and not to be seen. I think you have come further in life than many celebrity I know. Stay focussed on the big picture and trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding Proverbs 3:5-6

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