Seeing the Big Picture

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

It always amazes me how the littlest thing can really set you off, emotionally.

I don’t know if it was because the election has emotions running high, or because I was overly tired after a weekend of perhaps a little too much fun, but I found myself watching the American Music Awards (AMAs) last night, and just…crying.

And not because of a particularly moving Justin Bieber performance. Or because Drake made a Degrassi reference in his acceptance speech.

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I was crying for a reason that I am embarrassed to admit. Because, it’s rather…well…not the most attractive. Let’s call it what it is…

I was crying for me.

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I was watching these performances and singers and presenters and just feeling sad that, frankly, I’m a struggling actor/singer in NYC.

It was a bit of a harsh dose of reality that these “kids” who were always a year or two younger than I, are now adults, with seasoned careers, and even – dare I say it – beginning to show their age.

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My life has not been the smooth sail I thought it would be. It has taken several life altering detours that, the fire-cracker child actor in me would have never imagined.

Right when I was on the precipice of perhaps a career launching college decision, I developed ulcerative colitis, and shortly after, a life threatening case of anorexia. The former, incurable, the latter, might as well have been for a good, oh, 2 years.

But my life was never the same. After becoming “well” and finishing college and moving to NYC, thinking I was back on track and on my way to achieving my dreams, my ulcerative colitis decided to roar back, and I was left, debilitated on bed rest for a full 11 months.

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And writing this right now, the tears are just streaming down my face, stuck in a headspace of self pity and just what could my life have been?

Watching the performers – all of whom are my age – and the energy and allure of it all, I couldn’t help but imagine…I’ll let you finish that thought because the sheer absurdity of it, I just can’t.

Opening up my laptop tonight, I had fully thought I was going to be writing a Thanksgiving post. But interrupted by the onslaught of waterworks, I veered from the plan. But I’m reeling it in.

After I was done crying and having a mini pity party, I took a step back and finally began to see the lesson that God was trying to teach me, by allowing this tearful moment.

I remembered my purpose for writing tonight in the first place: Thanksgiving.

I have a lot to be thankful for:

Namely: my life.

Sure, maybe the plans for my life were interrupted, but I’m here.

I’m alive.

Entering inpatient, I was hovering at 78 pounds, barely hanging on, and by the grace of God, I was able to get better and truly heal, mind, body and spirit.

And to have been also able to heal from my ulcerative colitis and keep it in remission, God has come through time and time again for me.

And that’s what I need to remember. That’s what I need to think about the next time I get a lump in my throat, thinking about the dreams that I may feel have died.

Because I didn’t.

I didn’t die.

I lived.

And that’s a damn big thing to be grateful for.

Sitting here on the cusp of 2017, am I thankful for having gone through such a severe case of anorexia and my autoimmune disease?

No.

But I am thankful for the lessons I’ve learned along the way. For the way it annihilated my pride, and made me truly have to learn to put my trust, my faith, my body, my plans, my schedule, my everything in God’s hands. For the way it has strengthened the relationships in my family. For the way it has changed me for the better.

And as if God hadn’t shown me enough tonight, right as I was finishing this, I received this text message from my father

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The person I have become. 

What a father. Thanks, dad.

So this Thanksgiving, I’m going to look around the table, and be grateful. Grateful that I’m no longer ridden with anxiety at the food on my plate. That I’m healthy and able to live my life without the crippling ravages of ulcerative colitis. That I’m surrounded by a family that loves me unconditionally. And delighted in by a Father in Heaven that has shown me again and again that He will rescue me.

My life may not be the flashy Hollywood performance I once dreamed of, but God’s been flashy in His mercy and grace. And I’m okay with that.

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302 thoughts on “Seeing the Big Picture”

  1. As I’m listening to Gospel music. I feel a little emotional reading this because I found myself in the same boat. Great post! Let’s never forget that our journeys are different & our time shall come ❤️! Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi, I feel the same way too. That why can’t I be as successful, as rich, as powerful, as dadada, but then, I realize, and I’m still working on it, that there is nothing better for a person to do than to be happy and do good while they live (Ecc. 3:12). That this world, and what we see, is deceptive. What God sees is not the things man looks at, but the heart. In the end, in eternality, what really counts, is how much we love and seek and follow God. The entry I wrote today is similar to yours. 🙂

    Thank you for writing this.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Honest as always and resonating I know with many of us who have faced challenges. I can only echo the words of St. Paul in that beautiful prayer in his letter to the Ephesians (3:16-19): ” I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Caralyn, your life may not have turned out in the direction you first hoped and dreamed of when you were growing up but in all honesty don’t be disheartened by that.

    Currently for me I’ve opened up recently about depression, my life is currently out of control, no structure and no direction, but through all the darkness, I’m seeing life, people and things more clearer than ever before. Because of this I feel like I’m on a life detox, negative and people who are over reliant on me are gone, some life long friends who I’ve been made to realise by them, themselves have no instant right to be in my life. Career wise, no idea and it’s scary but I’ve taken to writing even more, I’m nominated for an award, an editor for an American online publication has offered me some paid work in a writing area that I would never have considered before.

    And your blog isn’t about me, everything is about you, and we like every other person that reads it should never feel bad for.

    We all go through different personal challenges and illnesses, and life is tough and can seem really unfair, but when it comes to being thankful you have millions of little things to be thankful for.

    Your one of the most honest people I know (indirectly) by you writing your blog and being open about your daily challenges with anorexia, it gave me courage to open up and write honestly in the moment about my depression, making no apologies to anyone about the content, because it was about me, and no one else.

    From my newest blog I have had not only friends but complete strangers message me to say thank you for being so open and letting them read it as it’s exactly what they are experiencing, they can relate.

    Or some comments of; my friends or family suffer from depression and that’s given me a real insight and understanding of how they must be feeling.

    It’s very humbling to hear, but what I want to say is they would never of heard it if it wasn’t for you.

    You may not be that famous singer or award winning actor that you first dreamed of, but there is always time for that, if it’s your dream never stop reaching for it, but invertently through your battles your life has taken you on a better journey, a more personal journey.

    Caralyn you are a defining woman who has reached out and captured the hearts of thousands upon thousands of people, whether you were aware of it or not.

    People relate to what you say, you give people hope, support, encouragement just by being you.

    You might not be a world famous star that you hoped for but you are our world famous star that I among many others will always remain grateful that our paths had crossed to show me that with a little bit of courage you can redefine your own life whilst helping so many others with just your honesty.

    Be very proud of who you are, what you have achieved and the direction that your life is taking, as you do it so gracefully and with a smile because you have a big heart.

    I am very proud of you, and I haven’t even met you, and probably never will, but your emotions and true feelings that you share in your submissions allow me to relate, and it you can relate you’ve always found hope.

    Take care, have a fun day, Andrew

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Andrew, I have a tear rolling down my cheek after reading this. Wow. I am so incredibly touched and humbled and just…wow thank you. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been going through some tough stuff, but I’m so glad you’ve found the courage to open up about it and share your journey. And congrats on the fantastic opportunities! Sharing your soul is definitely scary, but what a gift you’re giving others in doing so. Thanks again for your encouragement and for truly making me smile this morning. I’m grateful for you. Biggest hugs to you friend xox

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thank you for your kind words and support, and I hope you’ve had a lovely day.

        Things for me are ok but not great as you will appreciate more than most but you as living proof you get there as long as your willing to help yourself, and I am, and however long it takes for me to understand what the root of my problems are I’ll get to a point of being able to deal with it easier on a day to day basis.

        You may not have achieved in areas of your life that you first dreamt of but you’ve achieved something far more greater than a music award or a BAFTA by just being you.

        Life takes us all in various different directions but you should be extremely proud of where you’ve been to where you are for nobody but yourself.

        By being a true figurehead for many people who relate to your suffering who have taken hope and guidance in your chosen words describing your emotion which have helped them to take their next step in their own personal recovery.

        You have far outstretched any dreams you may have had by creating new ones alongside it too.

        Awards don’t mean anything, remember why you started, why you love it, and the answer will always be, it started with you.

        You can be anything you want to be, because you are you, and with your determination the sky is the limit in everything that you do.

        You’re audience are watching and we are all routing for you.

        You are already very much the star ⭐️ in each of our eyes.

        Be bold and be brilliant

        Andrew

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh my gosh, I am just so incredibly touched by this. Thank you again. My heart is so warm after reading this. I know how cheesy that sounds, but it is 100% the truth. Thanks for being such a great friend. Big big hugs xo

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Great post. That’s the funny thing about life. God’s plan isn’t always our plan, bit the great thing is that His plan is always the right one. He knows what He’s doing and it’s up to us yo accept His will. ☺ I know I’ve struggled with the “what ifs” and the “should have beens” in my life too, but I find that I’m loving where i am in my life now. All in good time, my friend. All in good time.

    God bless you! ! ! !

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Beautiful reflection. We all experience pity for ourselves from time to time, but to be able to come out of it and see God’s goodness even when things have not “gone according to plan” is a testament to faith. I am reminded of something I heard once, that we cannot regret our past if we are content with our present for it made us who we are. God bless you and thank you for the reminder to be grateful for God’s plan.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Striving rather than being content… At age 33 I joked that I had not yet saved the world. Ah, that I should try to emulate Jesus, rather than out-do him. Enjoy the award’s programs. Enjoy you life. Enjoy a good cry. (P.S. Be sure to tell those whom you love, that you do… as you will see in my latest post).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi again friend! Thanks for this. You’re right-striving to live like Jesus is the best way to live. I fall short all the dang time but I’m so grateful for His mercy. And so true-gotta tell those people how I feel. Hugs to you xox

      Like

  13. Hi Carelyn…just want to add my voice of encouragement. Because of a very troubling childhood (very long story), my life’s trajectory took a very dark turn at age 15…a life controlled by life controlling substances and relationships. At the age of 23 I discovered the love of a Heavenly Father. I have often greived of those eight lost years. For six years following the Lord did spiritual surgery on me to heal me of some very painful wounds. Dreams and hopes were reborn during that time but I had to yield to His timing and plans….and that was hard! My life has been spent testifying of the incredible grace He has bestowed on me and to try and help others find that grace as well. I pray that the Lord fulfills the dreams that He has placed in your heart. He has clearly placed many gifts inside of you. Please know that you are fulfilling the dreams that He has in His heart as you extend your life and testimony to hundreds of people looking for a ray of hope! There are many who will never approach a church building but they will encounter the living Christ through your testimony and words of hope. That is a dream worth living! Prayers and mega-blessings!
    Tom

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Tom, wow what a kind response. Thank you so much. I’m incredibly touched and humbled by your words. I’m so glad you found the love of God. It truly is life changing and I’m so happy for you that you know that first hand. Big hugs! Happy thanksgiving xox

      Like

  14. Hi friend, if you haven’t heard it before…check out the a song by Francesca Battistelli entitled “He Knows My Name”…one of the lyrics states…”I don’t need my name in lights, I’m famous in my Father’s eyes”…not only are you precious in the eyes of God the Father but you have your father right here on earth and it sounds like you are famous in his eyes too! 🙂 Peace be you and your family. Happy Thanksgiving!

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  15. What a great Thanksgiving psalm! Like David’s psalms, cathartic and ending with praise! Perfect reminder for the holiday.
    Loved the text from your dad, too. What a wonderful father. You ARE blessed!
    Thanks for sharing your heart with us so openly. It’s cathartic for us, too. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Have you considered being part of an established program that helps others, men and women, find solutions and hope, during the same experience you had with anorexia? An established program that is reputable benefits from having people who are support mentors to others in crisis. As an extension of your blog, you might find it even more fulfilling to write a piece which offers methods of guidance for current patients. As a joint custody father who now has a blended family of 4 young adult kids, I did this after a process of two years counseling and assisting my kids through counseling. When the dust settled, I made the choice to write a suggestive steps process piece for men and women in divorce. I worked with a group of clinical families in transition counselors to edit and approve the content then started offering it for free to centers in my area and region as support materials as well as offering a support group which met weekly to go through the process which the print piece offers. It takes careful planning; however, you might find great personal reward from this and most importantly, you are helping others identify.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Amen sista! So much to be thankful for and guess what? You have a purpose! Find delight in what God wants from you and when you find it-you will rock it! Just in your blogging I think you are reaching people and using your testimony to help others. Have a blessed and Happy Thanksgiving and keep on writing sista!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Hey, Caralyn:

    As I watched my life implode ten years ago, I did some reflection and had the intuition that the reason that I had such terrible acne was to avoid having my personal energy co-opted by the Hollywood machine. More recently, having finally come to accept that my purpose will be defined by love, I’ve had visions of reaching back to the most sublime moments of peace in my childhood – moments during which I felt somebody assuring me that everything was going to be all right, that the world was full of resilient beauty – and realized that it was my older self tendering that gift.

    There were moments of terrible loneliness and rejection on that journey. I had to surrender all of my intellectual ambitions in the fields of physics, software and philosophy. But looking back, I can’t imagine a thing that I would change. When love consumes us, we are allowed a glimpse into the Tree of Life, which is the sacred path of life through time that leads to reunification with Love, and the future calls back to us in consolation.

    If this doesn’t make sense now, I have faith that one day it will.

    Brian

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Brian, for this response. What powerful words. That really resonates with me. You’re right – love gives us a glimpse of Heaven and it’s so true – a life defined by love is a beautiful life indeed. So glad you stopped by. I always love reading your words of wisdom. hugs xo

      Liked by 1 person

  22. God has not only rescued you
    He is calling and choosing you
    Adonai has bestowed you with unique qualities and talents
    Adonai is blessing you with special gifts
    So that through you he can reveal his goodness and love
    He is enriching and strengthening your soul
    In deeper ways than worldly success would have
    He is healing you with His Holy Spirit
    And embracing you in His Love
    So that you may love him with all your heart, soul, and strength
    So that you may love others as you have been loved by Him
    Seek first the Kingdom of God
    And all else will be added unto you

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this, Alex. Amen to that! He has blessed me so much, and I am so grateful for his saving hand in my life. Yes, God is good! thanks for stopping by and for this wonderful encouragement. big hugs xox

      Like

  23. It’s truly amazing how much good we can find when we choose to see it. One of my college roommate’s mantras was “See the Good,”and that has stuck with me ever since. Thanks for sharing your heart with us!

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Keep your chin up. Sometimes bad things happen in our life but God uses themfor our greatest good and the good of others. Your faith in God is extremely strong and it’s due to what you’ve endured. One big examples from scripture comes to mind: Joseph. Look at what he had to endure. Bad things happen, but one thing i know for sure– because of your experiences, we get to share in your life, praise God with you, encourage one another, and pray together.

    You are extremely blessed! And I’m sure God has the right
    acting/singing career in store for you- He just hasn’t brought it to you yet!

    Always praying for you!

    ~Tom

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Tom. I so appreciate this encouragement. Oh that’s such a great example. You’re right, Joseph had to trust in God with everything. Thanks for the prayers and kindness. Grateful for you! happy thanksgiving xox

      Like

  25. A beautifully written, very honest view of things, Caralyn. I’m glad you are here, glad you have seen the things to be thankful for. I stand beside you in that feeling of what could have been….. on so many levels. But you have a great attitude, and a great father, and greater Father, to encourage you.
    And as a reminder, those periods of doubt, depression, sadness, grief…they’re all acceptable to God. His prophets went through them, and they get recorded so we can see that. No beating yourself up for having had the pity-party 🙂
    Happy Thanksgiving my friend
    hugs
    Jeff

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Jeff! Thank you so much, my friend. I’m glad this struck a chord with you. You’re right, we don’t have to put on a front for God. We can just be ourselves, and be loved and accepted. Thanks for the encouragement. hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  27. If you really want it, it will be. You have to believe, have unwavering faith! Attract your success! I believe in you ❤

    By the Grace of God you'll achieve much more than you can imagine. You've overcome so much! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Dearest,

    (Again…struggling to be noticed amongst the masses.)

    Do you know my post for today has had 7 views and 1 like. And you are grieving a less than stellar singing career? What are we not seeing?

    I have a tough question for you: why have you lived?

    I get that you are grateful for surviving serious illness (I have had ulcerative colitis; I know.) But why have you lived? Why have you survived? Why you…unique you. Is it because you are one more singer in NYC?

    I’m not discrediting your singing or acting talent. What I am trying to get at is perhaps your singing and acting are not why you are here. I’ve told you this before…your gift, the one I have witnessed anyway, is the way you are able to take today’s culture, and cultural and social events, and present them to your hundreds if not thousands of followers in a way that reaches out and joins the hands of your peers to the hand of Christ.

    That is talent.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi friend. Gosh, what a kind thing to say. Thank you so much. You’ve made me smile 🙂 yeah, I think God is slowly revealing His plan for me. And I don’t think it looks anything like what I had planned for my life, but I need to trust and have faith that He will lead me where I need to go. I just pray to do His will, and I so appreciate your affirming words and encouragement. Thanks for stopping by, my friend. You never cease to offer a new and powerful perspective. Grateful for you:) Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I will risk belaboring the point…

        ” I need to trust and have faith that He will lead me where I need to go.”

        You are there. Now.

        Every time you see and hear what is going on around you
        and you allow the Holy Spirit to point things out to you
        and you welcome seeing the world through the eyes of Jesus
        and you write about those revelations,
        you are doing God work.

        You’re doing it

        now

        (Thank you, Jesus)

        Like

  34. Girl I feel you!! Although I never struggled with any critical health issues like yourself. I always wanted to be a Disney Channel and Nickelodeon star. Like most kids I was clueless on what a hard life that can actually be. Behind-the-scenes that is quite a harsh world. I sit back grateful that I was able to live a different sort of life. I was able to grow up and learn how to become a stronger person in my weak spots. Things that probably would not have happened if I was in the spotlight constantly.

    These days I still dream of being a mentor to kids who are blessed with opportunities such as “kid stardom” because they are such a powerful force and it hurts to see them struggle in such a public light as they grow up just like everyone else.

    I am so glad that your life was different because your story has created freedom and hope for MANY people!! I know some days it is hard to believe but there is proof everywhere around you. Stay strong!! I believe that you will have your day! Susan Boyle did. 😉

    -JV

    Liked by 1 person

  35. Oh you are so beautiful in your writing and expressing yourself. The text from your dad almost had me in tears! What a lucky woman you are. A lucky “young” woman who has her whole life ahead of her to pursue her dreams and ambitions. It’s nice to see all the things you are grateful for but just remember, I think the best is yet to come 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi friend:) oh my gosh this made me smile. Thank you. Yeah my dad is truly such an incredible man — both my parents are — and I thank God every day to have them in my life. I don’t take them for granted for a second. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  37. Caroline,
    Driving thru the country this week, I went to a church service in Macon, MO. The pastor spoke about this thanksgiving, what are the most important things in life?Guess what he said?? Did I make it to heaven, and how many people did I take with me? People and the love we show them and give them are what’s most important in this life. Your blog is an amazing platform to show love and to show God to everyone who stumbles across it. It helps me, and I’ve been out of treatment since 2008. I still need to hear the words you say and feel the struggles you feel, to be reminded of what life truly is all about. I came across your blog because you liked one of my posts (thank you for reading my blogs btw!) and I’m so happy I did. I know that it’s hard to not be discouraged, but the love you are able to illustrate in your life, is inspiring to all and that’s what’s most important. Happy Thanksgiving BBB!!
    Aubrey (beautifullyorganic)

    Liked by 1 person

  39. Reading your post has put a lot of things in perspective. I don’t feel like that I am where I ought to be at this point in life but I am very thankful that I’m not where I used to be. I know that it can be very difficult trying to figure out what you are supposed to do when everything seems to be falling apart. Thank you for sharing and remember when you put everything in God’s hands, you will begin to see his hand in everything. Hope you have awesome holidays with friends and family.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Biggest hugs U!!! Love and light too!! xoxoxoxoxoxo I love your brain!! Things are going to be happening soon, within the next few days if not sooner.

        Like

  41. Your life is a bloom that God will blossom in its season. You may NEVER attain fame or recognition from the public, BUT you ARE the apple of your Father’s eye in heaven. You have a powerful voice in your writing. Some of your perspectives are truly profound. God will use the most unlikely ones to slay the giant or carry his message. I am thankful for your voice and wisdom that is from God. Keep keeping on.

    Liked by 1 person

  42. Oh gosh, your dad’s text! That made me cry, too, and he’s not even my dad! But I think we all struggle with where we think our life should have/could have gone. For some people, it’s a job. For other people, it’s a relationship, or a baby, or a living situation. After reading your blog for over a year now, it’s obvious that your faith is strong enough to get you through and that you’ll see the beauty of God’s plan for your life, whether it matches up exactly with what you imagine or not. Hang in there 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  43. I’m definitely happy that you are here, and I am a huge fan. If I by chance happen to see you in NYC, I will ask for your autograph and scream like crazy. It will be genuine!

    Like

  47. My heart breaks for you.. for several reasons. I so get everything you explained, and empathize with that feeling of “what ifs” and “could have beens”. I think the 20s is a weird stage where for the first time we almost feel like we maybe can’t “choose what to be when we grow up” because we are all grown, and it has a dejecting bite to that realization. However– my heart also breaks for you because I don’t think you see that, Caralyn (I feel like I always spell your name wrong, so hopefully I got it this time?), you HAVE arrived. Every.single.day.. you inspire people, you shine, you are light to this dark world. You are famous in the Kingdom of God, girlfriend- and there is nothing that can bring more fulfillment than that. God’s plans aren’t our own. But He is using you more than you can imagine. I don’t want to minimize your feelings, that’s not at all what I’m saying. But I hope you know you should never compare yourself with those actors/actresses, because there are endless numbers of trendy pretty faces on a TV screen. But, my dear, there is only one YOU. With your beautiful story, your mission, and your heart of absolute gold. I hope this doesn’t all come across super cliche, I mean it from the bottom of my heart, love.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow Mack, I am so touched and extremely humbled by your incredibly kind and affirming words. Thank you. Gosh, I am truly blown away at your generosity. I’m going to bed with a smile on my face and a warm heart. Blessing to you my friend. Big big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  49. I just got to see this some minutes ago sitting in my mail box and after reading this divine post, I suddenly understood why I had to read it now and not the day it came in. I can totally relate with this message and this post brought tears to my eyes. I understand the feeling because that is where I have been these past few weeks. Thank you for putting things in a better light. I see the big picture now. Totally love your blog btw!! Amazhing content!!

    Liked by 1 person

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