Letting You In

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Honesty.

Given everything going on in the media surrounding the outcome of the election, it seems that that word has kind of lost its value recently.

It’s kind of lost its meaning…like when a package of cheese puffs says the ingredients are 100% natural….suuuuure, buddy. Like, what does that even mean anymore?

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But it still holds a lot of weight with me, and so, in the spirit of honestly, I have to come clean about something.

I learned something about myself tonight.

A fact that ties everything in my life together …

I am afraid of truly letting myself be all I can be.

I’m incapable of giving myself permission to fly.

That sounds super meta…so incredibly wow-this-girl-is-too-in-her-head, but I realize that my life has been a string of one season of self-sabotage after another.

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Sometimes deliberately, sometimes subconsciously. I’ll take one step forward, and then *bam* two steps back.

I realized this tonight. I’ve been throwing around some ideas with my dad…ideas that honestly, would be the actualization of a dream of mine. We talked about it this afternoon. So what do I do tonight? I stay up late and eat a bunch of dried mangoes so I feel sick to my stomach and bad about myself so that I don’t feel up to going and pursuing it tomorrow. The thing that I’ve been working for, finally within reach, only to pocket veto myself by default.

Same with high school. Junior year, I’m on track to attend a prestigious drama conservatory/university after having just won a regional acting scholarship…my dreams are literally on the horizon…and I develop anorexia. The pressure gets too much so I pocket veto by default…I get too sick to proceed.

Same with boys. I could be dating. You know, really put myself out there to meet Mr. Right.  I could go to the young adult singles group after Mass. I could go to any of the many christian singles events in this big booming metropolis. I could make myself emotionally available to certain gentlemen who have an interest. But I don’t. I keep my heart at arm’s distance. Never show my cards. Never become emotionally vulnerable with any guy. Chalk it up to “not being ready for a relationship“…

Same with my career. I could be ruthless in my pursuit of my acting career. I could be doing a lot of other things, other than nannying. But that would be allowing myself to flourish. So I’m complacent. Stuck in what’s comfortable.

Same with…literally everything in my life.

Which makes me think, and honestly answer some hardball questions: Could I be living in NYC because I know that living back in the Midwest around my family is what my heart truly desires? Am I not going to the fertility doctor because I know that having children one day would make me the ultimate of happy? Am I not doing these things because of fear? Because I am unwilling to allow myself the joy and satisfaction of a full life? Am I subconsciously self-sabotaging?

What is it that I’m afraid of?

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

352 thoughts on “Letting You In”

  1. Oh girl, Jesus has that answer. That sounds so simple, but let me tell you. Until I fully surrendered my life to doing it all with God, I was stuck in many ways much like yourself. I am a work in progress, but I have only taken strides forward because of Jesus and that’s the truth. This realization you’ve had is not by random chance. It’s meant to make you start pursuing more. God has a great purpose that is completely fulfilling, waiting for you. But he needs you to surrender completely to him before he can take you there. There is a journey awaiting you that opens up many secrets that are in your heart. It’s in your surrender that you’ll finally rise up. I encourage you to go deeper with God, make him your #1 priority, and allow yourself to trust him, fall in love with him. “For your Maker is your husband…” Isaiah 54:5

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you Cheryl, I so needed to hear that. It’s so true. He does have me in His hands. And that’s terrific advice-to make him my #1 priority. Because as much as I’d like to say He is, life can get busy, and I could be making more intentional time for Him. You are a blessing to me. Thanks again. Hugs and love xox

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  3. So … yes!
    But I think it’s helpful to also remember that we have an enemy. Not to super-spiritualize – for sure some of the problem is us – but he really doesn’t want us to succeed, especially when we credit God for it. It proves God’s goodness: just what the enemy hates.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I love your honesty, even when you don’t have the answers it is refreshing. We all self sabotage, we all have some fear of getting what we want because once we get it we are often afraid of still not being happy. “What if what I want still doesn’t make me happy?” Happiness often comes first, then you get what you truly want.

    This is totally unsolicited advice, and maybe you do this already, but a simple start is to look at yourself in the mirror every day, say one thing you like about yourself and then follow it up with “I love you.” Say this to yourself every single day and things will change for the better and help with the self sabotage.

    You are an honest soul, a talented writer and have many incredible qualities. Embrace them, let them flow from you and you will never have to force opportunity.

    I like your blog, I wish you the best and many (((positive vibes)))

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Jim. That’s kind of you to say. Yeah, deffffinitely don’t have the answers here! haha That is great advice. Saying “I love you” to myself in the morning will surely get my vehicle pointed in the right direction at the start of the day 🙂 thanks again for your kindness. big hugs xox

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  6. The wall is a real thing to achieving dreams. We all struggle with climbing the wall because the other side is unknown, threatening even. It is part of our flight or fight response to stay where we are comfortable and safe. The fact that you are asking yourself the hard questions is a step forward keep asking even if you don’t have the answers just yet. Happy seeking. Peace and love.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I was just talking about this regarding myself, as much as I say I want to be published , I make up every excuse to not submit my work to publishers and magazines, etc. I never considered myself one of the self sabotage types, but once I admitted there are areas where I do this I felt better. Now I’m formulating a plan to overcome, even if it’s just submitting my work one place a month…it’s a start. Thanks for sharing and being so open with us.

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  8. Here is why I self-sabotage:
    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson from A Return to Love

    Another book/resource is “Owning Your Own Shadow…” by Robert Johnson. He states that the hardest part of our shadow (what we hide from society) to reveal is “the gold.”

    Hope these help! Many of us are hiding our best aspects. I’ll send another link in a second to a Ted Talk I listened to today.

    Liked by 3 people

      2. She has a bit of a Scottish brogue. And I took from it some great pointers: being more and more of our own uniqueness is our message 🙂 some parts I didn’t agree with completely, but lots of great info

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      1. Glad to help! I’ve been working on a post about this since 11/13. Perhaps this is time to get back in the saddle as you’ve inspired me!

        Liked by 1 person

      5. I’m posting a set of quotes by Carl Jung today. The piece about the fear of our greatness is still under construction. It’s become bigger than I expected… so I’ll let you know when it posts.

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  9. Where I still work I help train people in motivational interviewing. So if I was training and you were the subject of the interview I would reflect what I “heard” you write. “You are asking others the question because you are afraid of the answer you would give.” MI is not meant to provide answers but to push you to explore what is keeping you from making the change. I could be wrong with my guess at why but at least it will help you look more closely. Or you can write this off as a comment that has no validity. Either way another good post. Made me think which is good. Keep writing and praying and the answer will come. Will you like it? Ah there is the issue. Thanks again for sharing. John

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    1. Thank you so much John. Wow that is a powerful way to look at it. So fascinating. It’s true – am I afraid of the answer I would give? Definitely something to “unpack.” Thanks for sharing! Big hugs to you friend xox

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  10. Hey, there!

    Your post reminded me of this one scene from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Indy’s trying to get through these three trials to get to the Holy Grail not only for himself, but because his dad’s life depends on it. He gets through the first two only to get stumped on the third one – a leap of faith. He doesn’t see any way across it until he gives in and takes that first step forward. Only to discover that the path was right in front of him all along.

    Maybe that’s what you need to do. Don’t fear success or failure. Just take that first step, that leap of faith, and trust that God will catch you in His loving arms.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Oh, dear. You’ve tripped across one of the great secrets in life, especially for those of us recovering from some sort of addiction or mental illness type thing. I do it too, all of my friends in recovery do it, and every single one of my clients over the past decade whom I’ve counseled has this exact same thing to some degree or another. God bless you for picking up on it so quickly and, if I may be so bold, I found everthing worked better when I didn’t worry about my self-destructive past once I became aware of it, kept it in my prayers, and resolved to move past it.

    As for the dating thing, you’re on your own. Some days I think I entered religious life to give myself an excuse to stay away 🙂 As always, it’s a delight to read your discoveries and a joy to see you chronicle a wonderful success story! We have far too few of those these days!

    Rich

    Liked by 1 person

  12. As usual, love you posts. I think your struggle is a part of being human. I may not always purposefully sabotage, but I do struggle with thinking, “Because this is a desire of my heart, God probably doesn’t want it for me.” Goes back to the idea of God being up there watching my every move, only “wanting what’s best” when I think that means castor oil rather than honey. I’m learning that my own form of self-sabotage is not realizing that my amazing Creator, Father, and King loves me relentlessly and loves giving me good gifts, when I go to him for them.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Ahhh, yes. I have a similar thing, fear of success, fear of happiness. When we’re vulnerable, we can also be hurt and disappointed. Then there is the fear of having made the wrong choice. I kid you not, 20 years into marriage, having the forth kid, I had a major anxiety attack, like wait, did I make right choice? What was I thinking? The thing about fear is that it can’t coexist with Faith. So we have to figure out how to trust ourselves and trust God, too. In the end we never quite get the lives we wanted, but we do get something pretty good, something we really needed.

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  14. I don’t know if I have anything terribly intelligent to offer you here. I fully understand what you are saying. I think many of us can ask that same question of our mirrors. I can tell you that I sabotaged several relationships, because I was so focused on wanting an acting career that I either consciously derailed them or was so stupid that I didn’t get it until waaay too late. While my marriage is truly great and I can’t imagine life without my wife, there’s one woman who occasionally pops out of my memory. She was beautiful, and I wanted her, but I didn’t think I had a snowball’s chance. I still can’t help sometimes wondering…

    Sounds kinda like you in reverse? But then I met Julie, we started a family, and the blinders finally came off. I was willing to let it all go to be the sort of parent neither of mine were. Whenever I’ve made decisions as a parent, it’s almost always been the opposite of them. I never had a dad like you I could take things to. I just had a dad I hated to be anywhere near. Maybe that’s why I get motivated to play dad with other people too. I dunno.

    Are we afraid to succeed or do we sabotage what we think we want, forcing ourselves into what we don’t even know we want? How’s that for torqueing your brain a bit?  Maybe that’s what happened with me until I finally proposed to Julie. And did it ugly, if you recall the story.

    Was my email additional fuel for this fire? If so, maybe your answer lies partly there. You learn there may be hope for a Christian in the big time, and your “oh, yay!” is less than energetic, delivered with a frown.

    Here’s the deal – and maybe this is God working overtime on you – I play second dad to you. I’m the one who is unfamiliar enough with you that I can be more objective. Your dad who raised you is the one who knows and loves you better than anyone could. Have him read this. Ask him what he thinks. He may tell you I’m nuts. He may be able to riff off something I say.

    I sure wish I could tell you what’s what, but then I think you seeing a pattern bodes well. Acknowledging you have a problem, as they say…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for this Jeff. You always offer such powerful little nuggets to think about and mull over. Yeah definitely a lot to process. You are definitely good at “playing dad” and I hope you know how much I appreciate it 🙂 yeah, the love you and Julie have is so beautiful. I think God gave you an angel in her:) big hugs xox and ps I did send that email:) .

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  15. I’ve following your blog for a while now and have often wanted to comment with an assurance of how loved you are, but this is the first time I felt I had something from Scripture to really put meat on those bones (ha). From The Message paraphrase of Phillipians 2:12 and 13 : “Be energetic in your life of salvation, reverent and sensitive before God. That energy is God’s energy, an energy deep within you, God himself willing and working at what will give him the most pleasure.”

    Your goodness and salvation is not a question or up for grabs. It is GOD who works His will, and you are qualified and able to yield to His love for you. He delights in you!

    It’s a joy and a privilege to read your blog and share in the honesty and support you are giving the world through this avenue. Your goodness is not a fragile vessel but is instead a mighty fire on a hill, welcoming us all to feel the love of God. Thank you for turning thought to God and His great love.

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    1. Hi John, wow my heart is so incredibly warm after reading this. Thank you. Truly. This really hit home with me. What a powerful passage. It’s true – God is fulfilling his perfect plan in each of us in his perfect timing. I just need to trust. So glad you stopped by. Have a great night. Hugs and love xox

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  16. On one hand, I can relate to relate to keeping guys at arms length because I don’t want to be open and real.

    On the other hand, I made God a promise that I would walk through any door that He opened, and life has been the most amazing adventure since. Because of that promise, I got my ideal summer job after my sophomore year. I went to Africa after my junior year. I just learned that I will be working my dream internship this summer. Don’t be afraid to let God use you for His eternal plan…because, really, eternity is what matters.

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  17. Hey U!! You’re still in a process, believe it or not, where you’re still figuring it all out. You’ve definitely taken great steps in the right (or at least better) direction. You have so much you have overcome. Now you are back to accomplishing. As you continue to do so, as well as continue to shine that wonderful light on all you touch, you will begin to ease back into making definite decisions about your directions. Trust In God. It will come and He will lead you to decisions. Biggest hugs you and love your picture!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo ps. Things are progressing. It just hasn’t happened yet.

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      3. Biggest hugs. I’m back from the weekend. Mom died and the funeral was Saturday. I’m ok. I’m glad she only had one day where there was any suffering related to the cancer. It went fast. That’s all I could ask for is that it didn’t linger on her. I hope all is well with you xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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      4. Oh my gosh I am so sorry for your loss. Oh Migueltio, my heart and prayers go out to you and your family. I’m glad she didn’t have to suffer. My goodness, sending all my love to you in this difficult time. ❤️

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      7. Thanks so much! I’m dong fine. I’m keeping the joy of where she is, and that she’s not suffering in my ❤ I'm keeping there that she can celebrate that "lost Christmas" of 1964 (or 5) with her Father, my Grandfather, when he died suddenly (unlike both she and my Grandmother) around 12/22 that year. I hope they can all be together among that company in Heaven. God Bless you everyday. You are beauty WAY beyond bones!! xoxoxoxo ❤

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  18. A friend of mine has the opinion that the only power we really have is the power to delay. I tend to agree except if we are to do something that has never been done before. Our insecurity leads us towards the known, but our soul is trying to get us to be unique.

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    1. Hi Craig. Thank you for sharing this. What an interesting thought! There’s a lot of truth in that. There is safety in the known. But that’s not that we were made for. Thanks for stopping by. Hugs and love xox

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  19. One thing I’ve found to be both difficult and (for me) necessary is sorting genuine dreams that I honestly want to prioritize from the dreams that are not genuine enough for me to really devote myself to. In fact, sometimes what felt like self-sabotage at the time was actually a case of me not really wanting the thing I was sabotaging.

    It took me a while to sort one kind of dream from the other. But once I looked long and hard at my dreams, and decided which ones I was really working toward and which ones I never truly committed to . . . well, life got a lot less stressful. I stopped worrying about the ones I wasn’t committing myself to and focused on the ones I was.

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  20. Hey there!

    You know, I really respect you for writing this because you are really setting out to do exactly what you say, which is letting people in. And I will be the first to admit that I–just as we all do–have plenty of insecurities and things I deliberate on, on the daily, because of a number of things. And it’s tough, I agree, because usually there is risk involved.

    What if I fail? What if I make a terrible mistake? What if I get hurt?

    But in all honesty, and I know this sounds crazy, but I really think we learn from those negative outcomes (or at least we should). It’s finding a beauty within all the repulsive stuff. That’s the hardest part, but if hindsight really is 20/20, then it’s also the most rewarding aspect of living.

    The biggest first step to stepping out onto the water is looking in the reflection, and seeing just who and what will be doing the walking for that step of faith. You’re doing that. Just as the above comments have suggested, you’re on the right path and making the right moves!

    Chin up, be patient, and keep your eyes on God, not on the waters below when you are ready to take that first step. You got this. 🙂

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  22. Perhaps you are afraid of failing, or of being rejected, but I don’t know really. One thing I do know is that you are discovering more of who you are. And you know what? that’s a good thing. That’s called light. 🙂

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  23. Hey this inner dialogue you’re having is exactly what you need. You’re one step closer to finding the answer if you choose to pursue it. 🙂 I’m very proud of you for having the courage to be this honest with yourself and us. It takes a lot of guts just to face your flaws, alone, but to go out and make a blog post about is truly courageous. I believe you’ll find all the answers you seek if you stay true to yourself like you’re right now. ❤ Best of luck!

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    1. Oh gosh, thank you. I can’t begin to express how much I appreciate your encouraging words. Yeah facing ones flaws is probably the most sobering thing a person can do. So why not air it all out on the internet! Right?! 🙈😩oh my gosh I’m crazy lol thanks love xox

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  25. thank you for sharing those thoughts and feelings. sometimes it seems the scariest thing is to move into new territory, which means we have to adopt new coping mechanisms. failing also means retreating to the comfort of older coping mechanisms. we must also ruthlessly pursue out deepest needs be it for family [my own case], fame, or comforts.

    no more shoulds….

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  26. Wow, what a great post. Story of my life. My Dad used to say, “Coulda, woulda, shoulda…don’t be one of those.” So true…so very true. (I think I just found my next blog post, though). “Simply Begin” is how my blog has FINALLY got off the ground. I sat around, making excuses…for freakin’ months. So frustrating. I wanted it to be perfect, I wanted to know everything before I started, and of course, I didn’t want to make mistakes. All of these excuses are ridiculous, but welcome to my world. Fear can be a detractor, but it can also be a great motivator. If you’re ever feeling sorry for yourself again, unmotivated, etc…read your blog. I like it because it’s “you”. And, even an older guy like me, learns things from your writing. So, pat yourself on the back. Maybe, you need to write a book, Ms. Rory Gilmore. 😀

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    1. Hi Robby, thank you so much for this wonderfully kind response. Rory Gilmore haha yes!! I love that show. i can’t wait to watch the reboot 🙂 seriously though, this is such great advice, and I can’t begin to express how much i appreciate your encouragement. big hugs and good luck on your blog!! 🙂

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  27. Hi, I want to thank you for always being there at my most important posts. It conveys support that I appreciate, especially with everything that I am going through right now.

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  28. Another beautiful post, and thank you for being honest. My first thought, after reading it, was that if you do end up pursuing what you really want, I hope you wildly succeed. But if you don’t – if you find that it isn’t everything you thought it would be, or that you couldn’t achieve what you were hoping to by chasing after your dreams – I hope that you still realize how precious, special, and meaningful your life is. That’s advice you didn’t ask for, so my apologies. But I pray you never feel that your life is worthless or that you are worthless because you “failed” at something you tried really hard at.

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    1. Wow, thank you so much for this. My goodness, I am so touched by your kind words. it’s so easy to “keep score” in life, but its true, we are precious just because we are His. thanks for that reminder. big hugs xox

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  29. I understand this post very well. But look where you are today! Look where the Lord has brought you to! One step, forward, backward, side ways at a time! God’s grace is the empowerment to help us move forward in spite of our fears and through them as well. Two prayers I have prayed has helped me here C. The Serenity Prayer and the Gethsemane prayer – Thy will not mine be done.

    Praying for ya! Jim

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    1. Hi Jim, thank you so much for this. You’re right, I have so much to be grateful for. And I praise Jesus for the healing he’s done in my life. Yes those are really powerful prayers. Short and sweet as they say. Big hugs to you friend xox

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  31. Thanks for sharing. In spite of all my self improvement work, meditation and embracing the Dhamma, I find myself chicken img out on all of the above. I go to bed every night promising myself I’ll “do it” tomorrow but then I wake up in the morning… Powerless and without inspiration again!!

    This realisation, and acknowledging it though, is a major step. Thank you for calling yourself out and for sharing – you just called me out and made me see it as well so maybe we can inspire each other? I commit tonight that I WILL run tomorrow, even if it rains. Even if it is a short and slow run and I’ll feel “I suck”. I’ll do it!

    What little step are you going to take tomorrow?

    xox

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    1. Aw thank you so much for this 🙂 YES! Let’s do it together! I’ll be cheering for you tomorrow morning for your run! Tomorrow I’m going to follow up on an email with my agent! Yes! Motivation buddies! Big hugs to you rebecka! Xox

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      3. Oh I failed miserably so I’m compensating by a twice as long run today (still only 4 mi but it is 4 more than 0 mi…) AND I’m finishing Christmas cleaning and decorations today which I’ve put off since Sunday when I did 2 out of 3 floors. How did you do with following up on that e-mail m’dear…? xox

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      5. Glad! Good job. I just did 4 mi and guess what? It felt good and I felt strong. Now energised to maybe finish this work item I have put off for weeks! Months to be honest… Fingers crossed for your email giving some positive results too! Have a great day!

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  33. The enemy has a crafty way of getting in our heads Plant seeds of doubt and throw us off course for what God has planned for us . Proverbs 3 5:6 and Jeremiah 29 :11 really speak to me through this post. Blessings. ❤️

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  36. Hey my good Friend. Reading your post is always a blessing, as you share your life and heart honestly.
    You have received gifts and talents from God, that are unique to you. Now that you have them, God is encouraging you to step in the arena that He has prepared for you, and that He has prepared you for.
    As you are willing to take that step, the Holy Spirit of God will help you, direct you, encourage and strengthen you all along the way, each step, each day.
    Scripture says in Ephesians 2:10
    10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

    So, you are God’s workmanship; Jesus Christ created you to do good works; and not just any good works, but good works that God prepared for you, my Friend, to walk in, complete, and accomplish.

    Happiness, and Joy will come completely when you are doing the will of God, fulfilling His plan in your life, and knowing you are doing it.

    God’s Blessings, and lots of Luv.
    George

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  37. Oh no you didn’t! This is the only post where I’ve felt you held back. Every other one you took head on. Not happy you backed of this. Get back in that ring and finish the round! Sorry, but we both know you bailed on yourself with this one love. And I mean my comments with all faith and fidelity I hope you know.

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    1. Hi Pi, I’m sorry that you can personally relate. God’s got a plan for us. We’ve got to trust it. I think want so much to be in control, but I’ve got to remember Who truly is in control. And He’s got our best interest at heart. thanks for stopping by! hugs xox

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  39. I can honestly say I relate to this! I have yet to understand all my subconscious self-sabotage tactics, but then I think maybe I’m exactly where I’m meant to be, doing exactly what I’m meant to be doing…Instead of beating myself up with the need to be something more. Thanks for always bravely sharing your truth, and shining your light. You’re a true inspiration!

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  40. Yeah, pretty much like me. I know what I want but hold myself back for a lot of reasons. Reasons that I made up to rationalize my cowardice. I believe I am highly influenced of living within the domain of my family (I mean every neighbor we had are blood relatives) and considering the fact that they look up to me as “the good daughter” and I can’t be as exactly who I want to be. My brother for instance, He tries to be himself and sometimes don’t make small talks to my aunts (as in he just passes through and ignore them, although it’s quite understandable since they’re pretty far for instance). Then later on our mom’s gonna tell us that my aunts are offended because my brother simply ignored them. Mom hates it too, when she feels that her children are being watched, like every move we do, they judge us. It’s really annoying to the point that YOU YOURSELF JUDGES YOUR OWN JUST TO AVOID THEIR STARES. I feel you buddy~~!

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    1. Hi friend, I’m sorry that you can personally relate. You’re right, feeling judged is never a good feeling. Hang in there. The thing about family, is that at the end of the day, they’re…family 🙂 And nothing is ever unrepairable. 🙂 Big hugs to you xox

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    1. Hey Lennart, thank you for this. Yeah, God’s hands are the best place to be. I just have to trust in His plan and his timing, which is easier said than done! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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  43. Have you ever heard of Superchick? It’s “teen” music, but I grew up listening to them. I learned with them and grew with them, and they gave me a lot of courage. This post made me think of one of my favorite songs; it’s one that I listen to when I am letting fear take over.

    Some of the lyrics are “This is the time to try, step out your life is waiting…and as you fall, you will find that you can fly.” (Song is “This Is The Time” I strongly recommend you check it out on youtube.) Of course, you have to listen to God first. But when He speaks, the easiest thing to do is freeze. “God, is that really you?” “Am I being selfish? Is this just my desire talking? Am I being tempted by Satan?”

    That’s why we pray, why we have the word of God with us, and why we develop a relationship with Him. However, sometimes it’s time to act. Time to say “Ok God, here I go.”

    Keep on walking, my friend. 🙂
    In His Love,
    Yael Eliyahu

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  44. Oh dear. You’ve hit the nail on the head but that’s MY nail.

    Gosh Caralyn… I’m only sitting here basically jobless on $3000 worth of unused schooling not to mention the other skills/talents that come naturally I’ve worked to develop and then pass off as hobbies–like I spent all weekend making pies and lasagnas from scratch for a fundraiser tonight–and the pies went for $15 a piece (and they were the first thing to go off that bakesale table I’m telling you) and I’m going, why am I not doing something like this regularly for my own income? Or why am I not drawing regularly? I could be in art school–or culinary art school for that matter. Or I could be actually doing something with my computer tech side or… plaaaggghhg..

    But all that to the side…I’m pretty sure I know where you’re coming from. And I’m not saying I know what you should do, but earlier this year I moved away from a great mediocre-paying job and workplace that I really enjoyed to move back closer to both my family and inlaws because Father put that heavy on our hearts, and it’s been the most rewarding thing I’ve done this year (and considering I built gorgeous kitchen and bathroom cabinets/counters this year for our new little house that I’m very proud of, that’s saying something – haha)

    But it’s also been a challenging step for exactly what you’re talking about because here, I can’t just go out and job-shop – there ARE no jobs for me here, or not very many, and certainly none that fit with my passions. And so being here has forced me to take a look again at WHAT I’m doing with my life…and….not…decapitate…my dreams… because, pie.

    You know, I retested myself the other day for my myers-briggs personality type (I’m INFJ-T, the advocate), and something I found interesting (and SO TRUE) about my personality type is that job and career wise it’s difficult for us to pick because there are so many things we could do, but we’re also perfectionistic idealists which can mean it’s very difficult to fully commit to something that doesn’t promise to be something we can do to our standards. Just thinking about self-sabotaging made me think of that because in some ways for me I think it’s a really similar thing, maybe even exactly that thing that I just. Am afraid it won’t be perfect or I won’t be able to make it a perfect, idealistic thing like I want it to be… oh boy. I may be learning more about myself than I want to..haha

    But it’s so awesome that you’re recognizing this, and calling it out (yeah I may not be totally ready to own up to my own :P) because you can start to change the way you gravitate to doing things and..maybe live more of your passions more freely.

    And that’s the end of my nickel’s worth (since, you know, we have to pay three pennies to get two of your cents’ worth up here in Canada anyway 😉 )

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    1. Thanks for this Carson. Gosh, I could really relate to what you were saying. I’m sorry that there are no jobs that fit your passions there. I am so encouraged that you moved to be near family. I am feeling that pull on my heart more and more because I truly believe that those relationships are the most important. But you’re right, part of me feels like that would be decapitating my dream. At the end of the day, I know God is in control. I just wish he would give me a flashing sign or something. Haha keep baking. Who knows, there may be a foodnetwork show in your future. I can see it now: culinary creations with Carson 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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      1. I hope my comment made it very clear that I can relate very well to you, too – I think we’re a lot alike in respect to this self-sabotage thing and maybe we can learn from and challenge each other (:
        What it comes down to is, “Is this where God wants me to be?” And I can answer that with a resounding “Yes”. And frankly, I’m happy – not that I don’t have a job and a larger income, but I’m happy (even if a little scared) that I have the time and freedom now to explore what I’m actually passionate about and how I can use that to be sufficient.
        And the other thing it comes down to is, career is secondary, and you can take your dreams with you wherever you go. At the end of the day, Father provides, and he is faithful to ALWAYS provide. So even though I left a good job, I’ve got no regrets, because I was at a dead-end, and I was walking dead.

        Haha, culinary creations with Carson…I don’t think so, that’s not my flavor of jelly 😉 I do love baking though and everybody loves my food so I’ve definitely been reflecting on how I can use that, particularly as money gets a little tighter when santa’s in the room.

        Haha, anyway, take care and happy Tuesday!

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  46. I don’t know too much about you Caralyn, but I’m wondering if (and don’t take this the wrong way) you have perfectionist tendencies (especially being a performer) that are occupying you to the point that you don’t want to put yourself out there because you’re afraid of failure? I have a lot of classmates in NYC. Some have made it big, others have not. You know how it is.
    I kind of know the feeling…I grew up onstage and was definitely a perfectionist. But when I graduated high school and made the decision to go to pharmacy school instead (but as a dance minor), I still immediately auditioned for the fall dance show…and got into 3 out of 4 numbers as a freshman. I was actually the most skilled dancer at the university. We began really long, intense rehearsals, and I suddenly realized that I wanted to focus on my major. So I sort of “sabotaged” myself out of the show by exacerbating an old knee injury. It was because I was scared of failing at the main reason I was in college: to become a pharmacist.
    I’ll be praying for you that God speaks His Will over you.❤️

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    1. Thank you so much for this reflection. Yeah, I can definitely relate to your story. Perfectionism has been something I’ve absolutely battled my whole life. And it is something that I honestly have to keep “in check” every single day. I appreciate the prayers. God will use me where He has planned. I trust that. i just need patience and faith in His timing. hugs to you xox

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  48. Dear Princess Caralyn, a princess you’ll always be to me, such a gentle princess who has decide to take off her mask and share all her all with us one post at a time: The Good, the Bad, the Scary… What keeps amazing me is the synchronicity and I write this not to bluff you… I am very honest since making that decision in 2011
    Yesterday, my kid sister out there in your country, my best friend, was asking me about a ‘date cum prospective suitor’ I had ‘glammed’ her about in October… Guess what I told her? Ofcourse I wasn’t sure anymore and didn’t feel ready or patient or etc etc… She told me to my ears… I am AFRAID… I tried to reason with her and beat about until I admitted as much… But I console myself I have come from far, have done much more in life, and can afford to still hold on to somethings and not let it all go so fast and feel super vulnerable and risk getting hurt again – maybe hurting myself is better to me than being hurt by others especially a man? I sincerely think admitting the problem is one big problem solved… the treatment falls in place in due time, just like going to a doctor for a consultation and diagnosis lifts a lot for many… I wish my comment is no so offhand or etc… I just feel so much in here I am near …

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    1. Hi Marie!! aw, you are so sweet and I am just so grateful for you. Yes! Similar paths indeed. You’re so right, looking the problem in the face is the first step. and a difficult one at that, because you actually have to swallow a dose of reality. But you’re right, God has got this, and is going to use me, and you, and your sister to do His will. 🙂 i have faith in that 🙂 hugs to you my friend. thanks for being so wonderful! hugs xox

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