Letting You In

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Honesty.

Given everything going on in the media surrounding the outcome of the election, it seems that that word has kind of lost its value recently.

It’s kind of lost its meaning…like when a package of cheese puffs says the ingredients are 100% natural….suuuuure, buddy. Like, what does that even mean anymore?

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But it still holds a lot of weight with me, and so, in the spirit of honestly, I have to come clean about something.

I learned something about myself tonight.

A fact that ties everything in my life together …

I am afraid of truly letting myself be all I can be.

I’m incapable of giving myself permission to fly.

That sounds super meta…so incredibly wow-this-girl-is-too-in-her-head, but I realize that my life has been a string of one season of self-sabotage after another.

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Sometimes deliberately, sometimes subconsciously. I’ll take one step forward, and then *bam* two steps back.

I realized this tonight. I’ve been throwing around some ideas with my dad…ideas that honestly, would be the actualization of a dream of mine. We talked about it this afternoon. So what do I do tonight? I stay up late and eat a bunch of dried mangoes so I feel sick to my stomach and bad about myself so that I don’t feel up to going and pursuing it tomorrow. The thing that I’ve been working for, finally within reach, only to pocket veto myself by default.

Same with high school. Junior year, I’m on track to attend a prestigious drama conservatory/university after having just won a regional acting scholarship…my dreams are literally on the horizon…and I develop anorexia. The pressure gets too much so I pocket veto by default…I get too sick to proceed.

Same with boys. I could be dating. You know, really put myself out there to meet Mr. Right.  I could go to the young adult singles group after Mass. I could go to any of the many christian singles events in this big booming metropolis. I could make myself emotionally available to certain gentlemen who have an interest. But I don’t. I keep my heart at arm’s distance. Never show my cards. Never become emotionally vulnerable with any guy. Chalk it up to “not being ready for a relationship“…

Same with my career. I could be ruthless in my pursuit of my acting career. I could be doing a lot of other things, other than nannying. But that would be allowing myself to flourish. So I’m complacent. Stuck in what’s comfortable.

Same with…literally everything in my life.

Which makes me think, and honestly answer some hardball questions: Could I be living in NYC because I know that living back in the Midwest around my family is what my heart truly desires? Am I not going to the fertility doctor because I know that having children one day would make me the ultimate of happy? Am I not doing these things because of fear? Because I am unwilling to allow myself the joy and satisfaction of a full life? Am I subconsciously self-sabotaging?

What is it that I’m afraid of?

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

352 thoughts on “Letting You In”

  1. Hello. This happens to me too, that I would take a step forward, and then two steps back for some reason. I think it also happened in the Bible, when, after a great victory from Elijah when he stood up to the prophets of Baal and God answered by fire from heaven, he runs away in the next chapter. I feel, many times, it could be the enemy stopping us, trying to stop us from reaching our full potential with God. I also feel, sometimes, that it can be God intervening, teaching us a lesson that we are on the wrong path. I think I’ve experienced both of these. Thank you for writing!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Of course, I don’t know you well enough to think that this specifically applies to you but my own thoughts about self-sabotage is that sometimes we feel more comfortable where we are. This is because trying to reach for a higher rung entails the possibility of failure and it is safer not to expose ourselves to disappointment. While it can be a way of thinking that is really seductive, it is really a lie. Someone once told me that a boat is safest in a harbour tied to a dock but that is not what a boat is meant for……..it is meant to sail the oceans. Similarly, a bird might be safest in a birdcage but that is not what a bird is meant to do, it is meant to soar! I hope you will soar and find that God will take care of you no matter what.

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  4. Is it fear, or do you feel guilty for being happy or do you think your action might cause a dear ones some pain? Like I read somewhere else recently, the first solution to a problem is identifying the problem. You’ve passed that stage. Go girl! IF there’s anyone who can help you be you, that’s you. In 32 years, I’ve found out (mostly the hard way) that what I didn’t do for fear of worrying someone dear to me or to conform to expectations, made them momentarily happy, and made me eternally regretful. Rather quickly, they forgot about it, while it left a deep impact on me. And that’s when I realised, it works both ways. If I do what I want to do, it affects another person only for a rather short time, after which they get on with their lives. And it makes you content and happy for a very long time!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Scorpria, thank you so much for this powerful food for thought. Gotta look a problem straight in the face. I really appreciate you sharing the lessons you’ve learned with me. It always helps to know I’ve got someone in my corner 🙂 big hugs to yu friend. so glad you stopped by xox

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  5. I found a useful quote from Rebecca Liversmore: “Each day as you go about your business, acknowledge that you can’t do it, but God can. Put your dependence completely on God for his strength, wisdom and goodness – not your own. Throw yourself into the arms of Jesus and ask him to carry you as you do the work he has called you to do. As you begin to see success, don’t forget that it is God who strengthens you, provides the ability for you to do the work, gives you favor, and opens doors. It isn’t about you, but about the God who deserves all the honor and glory. He is the One who should be acknowledged in the midst of ‘your’ success”

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  6. Hey I feel and have done similar things throughout my life but once I realised this; and that for some reason I feel like I am not worthy to have success, I began (very slowly) to start taking opportunities that came my way even if I wasnt sure they were right for me – just to put myself out there and to let God know that I am listening and grateful of these opportunities and that I am ready to accept something good coming my way and won’t run and hide (i still have my days tho).
    So my question for you is: now that you have realised this, what will you do about it? 😉 Thanks for your honest posts, I really appreciate and learn from them. ✌🏻️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this encouragement. You’re so right, God has a good, and perfectly-timed plan for each of us. It is just my job to be ready for Him to reveal it, and not try to fight it or fight for the wheel. Such great food for thought. thanks for stopping by Hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Thanks for sharing. Shame often is riding shotgun in our brain when we want to move out of our comfort zone. Shame says, “You’re not ________ enough to do that.” If we push forward, shame says, “Who do you think you are?” If we try and fail, shame says, “I told you, you couldn’t do it! You’ll always be a loser.”
    Shame sucks but it is disempowered by speaking it out to empathetic listeners.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome. Here are two somewhat related thoughts:
        “Sin is the despairing refusal to find your deepest identity in your relationship and service to God.”

        “How does Satan accuse us? By causing us to look at our sin rather than our Savior.”

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      3. Okay one last thing and I’ll leave you alone. Maybe add this song to your playlist. The video doesn’t fit this conversation but the lyrics do.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Awesome post…deep writing! It is very interesting when you look back into your own story and see the same patterns…we all have them. But, from experience, I know that the One you`ve chosen to follow has some very clear answers about that, as well as well-directed ideas. He did indeed come to heal the brokenhearted and I have seen that in my life, time after time. The result is breathtaking – I now look back and see how some patterns which have been with me for decades are no longer part of my life. Not only ‘big things’ like addictions or fears, but also subtler things like self-sabotage, character traits etc. Not long ago I plunged into the work of John Eldredge and read a book called ‘Sacred Romance’ (highly recommended if you haven`t read it) which gave me a lot of insight into my own story and the Larger story which God is telling.
    Well done for being brave and honest with yourself and those around you – keep diging deeper and look out for the One who digs along with you – he will indeed give you the ‘treasures hidden in darkness’!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this 🙂 I so appreciate your kind words and encouragement. So true – God is telling a larger story, and I have to just trust in His timing and be patient. Will definitely check out that book! I loved Captivating, which I believe he wrote with his wife 🙂 Big hugs ox

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  9. Good questions, which only you can answer in the end. I am quite a bit older than you, and I have been asking myself a similar question. For me, the question is: “You say you want to know God more intimately. However, are you willing to do the hard work necessary? Or, are you going to just coast along?” I think that self-examination is the mark of an individual’s growth.

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  10. I think for me, it’s an actual fear if rejection wrapped up in sabotage. It’s the theory of the cat in the box. You don’t know if it’s alive or dead until you open the box, so as long as the box is closed it can be both alive and dead at the same time.
    So the dream, the guy, the life can all be within reach just as long as you don’t actually go for it. The ideal is bigger than the reality.
    What if you go back to the Midwest and find out you were actually happier in nyc? What if you go to the singles events and don’t connect with anyone? What if you become emotionally available to someone and it doesnt work out?
    I get this way all the time. When I was working outside of the home, I kept this idealistic view of being a housewife. When I finally made the leap and left my job, it wasn’t a bad choice, but it didn’t live up to the ideal in my head. The only thing that I have found that helps me is to try to look at both sides of the question and figure that the reality is somewhere between the two extremes and decide whether the good extreme is worth going after even if the bad extreme happens.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Katy, wow, than you so much for this powerful perspective. I’ve never heard the cat/box thing, but WOW — that reaallllly spoke to me. You’re right, it’s within reach if i don’t actually go for it. Yowza. bingo. Thank you so much for your encouragement. Such great advice. hugs to you xox

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  11. I don’t know if it feels this way on your way BBB, but sometimes you write something I was literally just feeling and planning to write about, hehe!

    It’s hard stepping out of the familiar and into the unknown, and yet there’s a pressure there to do so, isn’t there? I can’t say what you’re afraid of, though I guess I’m afraid of being hurt, miserable (which would hurt, and/or failing (which would also hurt).

    I have a feeling, though, that my doctor/counselor would tell us to be patient, and just wait for the right opportunities to come our way. I think America is culturally all about chasing dreams and independence, making this hard to do. Idk though; just sounds like what he would say. God likes to surprise me, though, I can say that much, and it’s usually when I’m prepared, but not actively looking, if that makes sense.

    Idk, I hope this offers some comfort for you, at least, knowing you’re not alone feeling that way. Thanks for being so honest ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw, thank you so much for this sweet note, Ana. You’re so right – we’ve got to be patient. I’m glad this resonated with you. You’re right, it’s nice to know I’m not alone 🙂 God has good plans for us, my friend. We’ve just got to trust His timing 🙂 big big hugs to you Ana! xox

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  12. Hello Caralyn, I understand exactly what you are talking about.You are not alone, I have heard of other people’s stories where they have sabotaged themselves. This is the enemy’s tactic to keep you away from being the person God created you for. You are been harassed by the enemy. The enemy does not want you to prosper. He will feed you lies to prevent you from growing and being the person you want to become. But don’t worry, you can ask Jesus to clear all that. ISAIAH 54:17 No weapon formed against you shall prosper says the Lord. This is what you pray……………. ” In the name of Jesus Christ, I command the spirit of fear, doubt, anxiety, panic procrastination, failure, and lack of commitment to leave and not to return.” Then ask the Holy Spirit to infill you afresh with His gifts of wisdom, knowledge, understanding, peace and joy. Say this everyday and praise the Lord. God bless you ❤

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    1. Thank you so much for this, my friend. Oh, yes, I actually know that prayer quite well. The Holy Spirit is a great protector. Because I do believe that we are under attack, especially when we earnestly seek God’s will. But God is greater than any adversary. hallelujah 🙂 thanks for stopping by and for your encouragement! big hugs xo

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  13. Ah, fear not! You are not alone. When I found my own self-sabotaging, I go back to the life of Paul, from Romans 7:14-20 “We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.”
    I pray something in God’s Word allows you to embrace who He created you to be!!!!

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    1. Thank you so much for this, Debbie. I appreciate your prayers, and that you would share this verse with me. So powerful. I’ve got to keep that in mind – to keep my mind focused on the Good — on Him — on what is lovely, pure, admirable, praiseworthy 🙂 sending big hugs to you xo

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  14. Thanks for the write. I recently read 2 suggestions for the spiritual life in a book called Gratefulness that really spoke to me, and I hope it speaks to you too:

    “1. Waking up is a continuing process. No one wakes up once and for all. There is no limit to wakefulness, just as there is a no limit to aliveness.
    2. It is risky to be awake to life. It takes courage.”–Br. David Steindl-Rast

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    1. Hi Jedi Dad, wow, thank you so much for sharing these quotes! They’re so powerful. Especially the first one. It really makes me think — we are never finished. Always a work in progress. And the is such a motivating thought. so glad you stopped by. hugs xox

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  15. I very much admire your honesty. Many people are honest in their day to day lives. However, self-honesty is very rare. Most times it needs a motivator. Sadly, pain is the greatest of all motivators. I am convinced God designed it that way. We lie to ourselves and listen to lies about us for so long that we start to believe them. We then become what the lie said we were. By the grace of God we all are given at least one brief moment of clarity where we see things as they really are. If we still have the capacity to be honest ( you obviously do ) and seize the moment with a fearless, thorough and moral inventory of ourselves the chains that bind us can be broken. I sound like a recovered(ing) alcoholic. Hint Hint. I will pray a special prayer for you that was prayed for me and I latter prayed for myself. Remember, fight like you are the 3rd monkey try’n to get on Noah’s boat. PEACE !!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Marshal, frist of all, congrats on your recovery. That is so awesome and will definitely keep you in my prayers. Secondly, I absolutely busted out laughing about the 3rd monkey! how have I never heard that one before! so good 🙂 But seriously, thank you for such powerful insight. it’s true. i think pain is an access point for His grace. A necessary “evil” if you will. It allows us to cling to Him. Thanks for stopping by 🙂 hugs xox

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  16. I can’t begin to count the number of times that the Lord has led me to do things that seemed “counter intuitive” to my logic (or excuses! Pr.3:5-6). I don’t believe that God is capricious or has a penchant for randomness but I do believe He sometimes presses us to move beyond what we can understand. I have come to learn, over the years, that the trust I demonstrate and my willingness to follow His path becomes the means that He uses to teach me His character and grow my trust in Him. I.E. How can I know He is Jehovah Jireh unless my ability to produce is tested?
    I used to be terrified of failure, so if I could choose a “predictable” or safe path, I would never risk failing (and being “a failure” in my own eyes). The Lord has led me to do things I never could have dreamed of. He has stretched my faith to the breaking point BUT has ALWAYS shown that He loves me and that He will ALWAYS be there. Don’t be afraid to “test the waters” of where He may be leading you. He is able to protect you from disastrous decisions and outcomes as long as you heart is sincere to pursue Him. Sorry for sounding preachy….just want to be an encouragement! (Hebrews 11:1,6)
    Mega-peace!
    Tom

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    1. Hi Tom, wow thank you so much for this. SO. much. truth. You’re right, these areas where we feel fear are actually the access points for His grace. Hebrews 11:1 — that verse is very special to me, as it was the verse I clung to during the healing process of my ulcerative colitis as well as my anorexia. It got me through some dark days. thanks for reminding me of His goodness. hugs to you friend xox

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  17. I always manage to come to the party late in terms of there being well over a hundred people who have commented already.

    Actually, everything your wrote means that you’ve been hurt before and don’t want to take the risk again. The fact that you’re asking the question “What am I afraid of” means you are approaching being ready to risk again. After all, what’s the fun in being in a cocoon all the time?

    That said, besides God, the ultimate decider of what you do with your life is you (and the last time I looked, God hasn’t cancelled free will). Maybe you just need a little more time in that cocoon before you’re ready to emerge, spread your wings, and fly.

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    1. Hi James 🙂 So true, God has the play book for sure. I just have to trust that and trust His timing. The impatience i feel is probably also part of the growing and “un-cocooning” process:) thanks for this great food for thought. hugs xox

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  18. Looks like you’ve reached some boundaries of your faith.

    Some time ago, I wrote about reaching the edge of your faith as well, here (https://ldslamplighter.wordpress.com/2014/10/26/the-edge-of-your-faith/).

    Like a seed, you are reaching the edge of an old phase, and beginning to enter a new phase of growth. You’re outgrowing what you know now …and you’re reaching a point where you’re ready to grow into a place where you’ve never been. It’s normal for anyone to feel “out of sorts”….like you’re little…in the face of all this uncertainty. This is where knowing how you’re anchored will help you face the Goliath of uncertainty: don’t just face it with your strength alone…but face it WITH the Lord as your “Pard’ner”. (Pun intended)

    You already know that in your mind…it’s just convincing your heart to walk out onto the stormy waters of the unknown…kinda like Peter, one of His apostles. What was Peter’s request to the Lord when he saw Him walking on the impossible? “Lord, if that’s you, bid me come to you.” And when the Lord said, “Come,” Peter’s next step was…out of the boat…past the edge of his faith…past the edge of “security”…onto uncertainty, but knowing that because the Lord instructed him to do so, something had to come out of this….even walking on the impossible.

    Reminds me of another post I made some time ago (https://ldslamplighter.wordpress.com/2014/03/21/faith-amidst-the-storm/).

    It’s wonderful to see you grow, Caralyn, in wisdom…and stature…in favor with God…and among men…and in your faith. From a “seed” of great potential, it’s neat to see how you’ll blossom!

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    1. Wow, this is such a beautiful response. thank you so much. I really love that – Lord, if that’s you, bid me come to you. Such a simple phrase but such a powerful implication. I think you’re right, growth is uncomfortable, but in the end, necessary to truly bloom 🙂 thanks again my friend. grateful for you xox

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  19. As I read your post I couldn’t help but be moved to need to comment. I am a Christian, a father, husband, special education teacher and coach. I think if we are all honest with ourselves we have been in your position at sometime or another. Here is what I want to pass on to you. Here is what God has shown me over the last year. I finally saw Jesus face to face last November and put him in the center of my life and since that time He has shown me that I have nothing to fear. Fear is one of the biggest weapons the enemy has, if he can get you scared of failing, scared of starting, scared of finishing, scared of commitment he wins. If you are scared, pray about it, truly surrender it to God. He is standing waiting on you to give it him. He is cheering for you and so excited for you to give him the fear so you can live life more abundantly, not abundantly in a world view (money, prestige, power) but in a Godly way, freedom, a life of no fear because he who made the world is living inside of you and me as believers.

    I pray you are able to let go of this fear by submitting it to Jesus. He and only He is able to take that fear from you and allow you to blossom into the beautiful flower he created you to become. Keep praying expectantly for his answers and surrendering and drawing close to God as he will then draw close to you and give you exactly what you need when you need it. God bless.

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    1. oh my gosh this is such a thoughtful and powerful reflection. thank you, so incredibly much. You’re right – God IS waiting for us to just hand over all of those fears and insecurities. Because when we do, He will use them for His glory and for His will. But we have to be willing to let go of them first. And I also am right there with ya — the enemy is real and will use those fears to try and roadblock God’s plans. but God is greater. Hallelujah. Thanks for this beautiful encouragement. It is such a positive and powerful way to start today. big hugs to you friend xox

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  20. “Self-sabotage.” What a power-laden phrase. The first time I heard it was in high school. It resonated even then as I built a box I never sealed tight enough to keep it out of mind.

    On my journey, one of the hardest aspects has been learning to show compassion for myself. While I’ve always been extraordinarily forgiving to others, perhaps to a fault, I was unduly hard on myself.

    I’ve finally been able to forgive myself for decisions I made decades ago, that may have been self-sabotage. Or gambles that didn’t pay off. In either event, the act of self-forgiveness has enabled me to be more authentic. I no longer feel shame and try to hide part of who I am.

    Thanks so much for sharing your journey. It so comforting to hear about your path.

    Jon

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    1. Hi Jon, thank you so much for this reflection. I’m so glad that you’ve embraced self-forgiveness. You’re right, it is one of the most powerful things we can do. That’s so awesome 🙂 thanks for your encouragement! big hugs ox

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  21. BBB, I am currently teaching in Sunday school a book I think you might like to read. It is titled “Fear is Never Your Friend”. You can get it at christianbook.com and I am going to paste the link here if you would like to look at it.

    https://www.christianbook.com/fear-is-never-our-friend/gary-richardson/9781563221071/pd/3221071?product_redirect=1&Ntt=3221071&item_code=&Ntk=keywords&event=ESRCP

    The author brings out many good points and helps you see past some things. I have been through many things personally and have been close to death on multiple occasions that I would not like to relive, but as a result I have no fear of death as I know I am in the hands of the Savior. God is so awesome and has made a path to redemption. When I look at the heavens I see God, and when I see the tiniest leaf I see God. 2 Timothy 1:7 tells us, “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” Some versions say a “spirit of fear”. So, if God did not give us a spirit of fear who does? The enemy because he wants to ruin our witness and make us not answer God’s call. God says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

    You are in God’s care and I pray you never lose sight of that. Your writing inspires me to a greater and deeper walk with Christ. Thank you.

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    1. Hi there Eric, thank you so much. I’ll definitely have to check that book out! I’m sorry that you had to go through that, but wow what a powerful insight t has given you. I for one am grateful for you sharing that wisdom with me. Hugs and love xox

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  22. I experience these occurrences too, sometimes I’m at the verge of actualizing a dream and suddenly, there’s fear all over me. I feel it might be too big for my Sac of grace then I look for the slightest discouragement to back off but not too long I realized With Faith and Christ’s Mercy, I can achieve anything.

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  24. Awareness is in the forefront of your mind. That is always a great starting point. Most of humanity has no awareness, no mindfulness, no connection to the how and why of what their mind and body is or needs. It seems like you are about to take 2 steps forward and no steps back.

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    1. Hi Bethany, oh my gosh, thank you for this beautiful note. I am so encouraged. Yeah, I have hope that 2017 is going to be a step in the right direction. Who knows…maybe I’ll meet Mr. Right! Haha jk jk but seriously thank you for your kind words. Hope your week is off to a great start! Hugs and love xox

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      1. You are welcome!!!!! Somewhere on my blog is a post how god brought me my husband aka mr right. I needed to be beat over the head with a stick to finally see him!! I think when we can truly see ourselves then mr right will appear.

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  25. “What am I afraid of?”

    In pidgin english, I’m saying, “You talk ma heart that. I never know say e dey there saf.” To wit, you’ve spoken an issue on my heart I never knew was there at all or maybe it was just that I didn’t want to admit it. The past four months have quite challenged me to take at least step and whew, it’s been exhilarating! There are more steps ahead tho and I know we will finish the journey! Poco a poco.

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  26. You are not alone in this Carolyn. We’ve all been there dealing with feelings of fear. In fact I have witten on this same theme in my own life. As recently as this year, Finding the Courage When You Fear the Beginning >
    https://markschutter.com/2016/09/19/finding-the-courage-when-you-fear-the-beginning/ and previously in a post back in 2014 titled, The Fear of Being Fearful.

    It is a hard truth to sometimes admit to the world and especially to ourselves. Strength and courage are so highly valued by society. But real courage is feeling and acknowledging the fear and moving forward despite it.

    I repeat you are not alone and all we can do is show love, compassion and support for one another even if it is only across the electronic waves of the internet. Keep moving forward, you are worth it and He has great plans for you! God bless!

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    1. Wow Mark thank you so much for this. Your support is so appreciated. I think you’re right, Being honest about our struggles and fears is definitely nerve racking. I am grateful for people like you who accept me with open arms and offer encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  27. I wouldn’t merely say out of fear rather you feel comfortable right now where you are. You ever heard when they say step out of your comfort zone. I found out to be very true. Don’t feel so discourage maybe God has a different plan for you. Do not be afraid, you being a single is a blessing because nothing is holding you back what ever you want to do, just do it. And by the way has anyone mentioned to you your a great writer?

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  28. I think we all fear the same things- stepping outside our “room”. Being aware of it is the crucial first step, and you are taking that bravely! I think part of it is being open to what comes- and in fact what faith does is help us recollect that we don’t have to, and shouldn’t, do it all by ourselves. Including thinking about what we “might” do, or want, the successes we imagine or fear…all of it. I think you’re doing just fine, really. Because you’re EXPLORING and CURIOUS. And that is how things Happen. Not to worry, as the Dalai Lama says. Pain IS inevitable, but so is the good sweetness of life. Nobody knows it all or has it figured out, anyway. It’s an experience of exploration. Dried mangoes included.

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    1. Hi friend, thank you so much for this encouragement. You’re right, I think awareness is definitely the first — and most sobering — step. haha, good, I’m glad dried mangoes are included. they’re my favorite 🙂 hehe hugs xox

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  29. I love your honesty, Beauty, and the number of comments here indicate many others do, too. More importantly, God appreciates your honesty (Proverbs 12:22b). I pray you’ll sense his leading for the next step very soon!

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  30. We live in something of a fear based culture, don’t we?

    I’ve often commented here and there that we’re being sold a whole bunch of fear because that causes us to buy things that aren’t entirely necessary but make us feel safer. Our response to threat, real or perceived is a strong one. Likewise the whole FOMO thing is terribly pervasive, too. “Better get it now or you’ll miss out!”, is a too common refrain.

    My cynical view aside, it has real world consequences when our fears keep us from moving forward, much like you’ve written here. It’s one thing to blow $20 on something that protects us from some unlikely circumstance but it’s something else entirely when we end up derailing our plans because of fear.

    The easy answer is faith, of course. And while that is the correct answer and a true one, it isn’t always so simple, is it? I’m preaching on Daniel in the lion’s den this Sunday and it all makes me think of the times each of us have felt like we had our head in the lion’s mouth. For me it was being at risk and eventually tested for Huntinton’s Disease. (Full details here https://lancerferguson.wordpress.com/2014/12/23/dancing-with-the-devil-in-the-pale-moon-light/) Turns out the test was negative but there was a long period of time where I felt like I had my head in the lion’s mouth. And during that time my faith was a real roller coaster.

    Still and all, God is faithful and ever present, our roller coaster notwithstanding. Good thing for us, no?

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    1. Thank you so much for this thoughtful response. You’re right, I feel like so much of the world is in the fear-aleiviating industry. But you’re right, faith is the answer – and not so simple either. I’m so glad to hear that your test results came back negative. praise God. hugs to you friend xo

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  31. Fear is a rejection of life.

    God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).

    With regards to any doubts you might have of acting, Charlie Chaplin said that “actors search for rejection.”

    And, he said, “If they don’t get it they reject themselves.”

    I know that my struggle with bulimia and panic disorder was born out of fear and rejection of the life I was meant to live. We are our own worst critic.

    Afraid to fail … even more afraid to succeed.

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    1. Thank you for this reflection. What an interesting quote from Charlie Chaplin. Really some great food for thought. I’m sorry that you have those struggles in your life. Know that I’m in your corner:) big hugs to you xox

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  32. Living. Making mistakes. Being vulnerable. Being wrong. Failure and success. Try not to tell yourself “stories”. Try living each moment…right now is all we really have. (Not recklessly of course) keep moving forward. The Power of Now by Tolle was helpful for me.

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  34. Hi Beauty. I don’t know if you remember me but we used to talk on here earlier this year. I’ve been out of the country for the last six months doing missions work and haven’t been as connected to the rest of the world as I would have liked. That being said I was happy to start reading your blog and this was the first one I started with tonight. It sparked my interest right away, probably because while away I also completed counseling school (my life has a lot going on at once sometimes, but hey I wanna be effective at ministry).

    I know that we hardly even know each other but my heart really goes out to you in this because I have walked through something so similar in my life. I want to call you out on something too. I hope that doesn’t sound too negative because I don’t intend it to be that way at all! You said “I’m incapable of giving myself permission to fly.” but I want to say that you are capable. It’s a lie from the devil to believe you that you aren’t capable of the greatness God has made you for. I know this may sound insignificant, but your words have power, power over you. It may seem simple, but that’s really because it is.

    Here’s the thing, I hardly know you yet I believe in you. I believe in your ability to fly, to go so far beyond where you are now. Why? It’s simple too. I see how you write, and I know God and that He wants to use you, your life and testimony for greatness. You’re capable of being vulnerable and honest, while putting it together into well written words that thousands read. Remember the parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-30)? The men there were trusted with different amounts, and some did well and were productive with the little things. It showed the master that they could be trusted with even greater things. Your blog is your talent. You invest in it, you make it go as far as it can and you do it so well. I see the capability you possess even on here! I’m someone who disciples people around the world. If I want to do ministry with someone I’m pretty selective with who I would choose, mostly because millennials are lazy and very entitled. But I know you’re the kind of person I could count on because I see your heart in the words you write on here.

    You have the desire to fly, so I say do it! Here’s a verse for you friend. Read Hebrews 12:1-2 tonight. It’s going to take less than thirty seconds but I will be praying, right after I post this, that it goes to your heart and mind both.

    God bless and bless God,
    Jonathan

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    1. Yes, let us run that race with perseverance indeed 🙂 hi Jonathan. Thank you so much for this beautiful and thoughtful note. Gosh, my heart is seriously so warm right now after reading it. I so appreciate your affirming words. You’re right-words, and how one speaks to oneself is powerful. I will trust in the truth that God says about me, and His plan. How are you!? It’s great to hear from you! How was your missions trip? What an incredible gift of service for the Lord. You’re a rockstar in my book:) hope you’re having a great evening. Glad you stopped by. Hugs and love xox

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      1. Thank you so much! I think I have an inner rockstar lol. But that’s probably because I get to travel so much, see the world, and meet and do ministry with thousands of people worldwide. I’m doing great! I’m home for all of December and am sort of working at my church mentoring the new youth pastor which I’m pumped about! And I have a good bit of free time and since I live in DC, yet am rarely here, I’m going to be doing some exploring! I was even looking at taking a trip up to New York in the next couple weeks. Maybe I’ll run into you! Haha I know, unlikely!

        Anyways, I’m about to have some more time with God and head to bed. But let’s stay in touch, I’m going to be staying in first world countries for a bit now so it should be easier haha. I always enjoy reading your perspectives! Keep writing and changing lives. It’s an incredible gift God has given you!

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      2. Hahha don’t we all 🙂 🤘😎🤘Wow what an exciting new job! I’ll definitely keep you in my prayers! Thanks again for stopping by. I am touched by your encouraging words. Xox

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  35. I hold myself back because I know how many blunders I’ve made in the past. I have, however, set aside time to think through the minimum I’m determined to achieve, because I don’t want to be looking back one day and wishing I’d done more with my life. What I am determined about is that I will not be bored or boring… at least any more so than is necessary to avoid getting arrested or having the Lord put a painful stop to it all. X

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    1. Hey friend! Thanks for this thoughtful response. You have to chuckling on that last line! 🙂 I think you’re right we’ve got to take each day and live it as the precious gift it is. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs

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  36. Dear BBB,
    What an amazing realization to have at a relatively young age. I hear you loud and clear. Continuing to try to not self sabatoge at 50 here. Wonderful to have a Dad that you can talk through and process with. You are on your way to the good things, just by recognizing the presence of self sabatoge. Brene Brown calls it “staying small” I think. Wishes for an amazing journey for you.
    XO
    The Laundry Thief

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    1. Hey again Sara! Thank you for reading my posts this morning. But you’re right, I really am so blessed to have such a great father. Staying small. I like that idea a lot. Thanks for passing it along! I hope your week is going swimmingly! 🙂

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  40. I get it. Fear of success is just as debilitating as fear of failure. Isaiah 61:1 says, “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners.” Enjoy your freedom in Christ–I’m right there with you.

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  41. Well, you are doing a lot of good work right here in cyberspace. You make me think and, so I believe, have a nice presence. You know… communion of saints, the Church as the Body of Christ. That type of thing.

    Speaking for myself, it seems some people look at me in ways that I do not look at myself. For example, they think it’s “hard” for me to do a stuffy, formal social event. Yes, it may be hard *work* because many of the people there seem to be worldly, materialistic and status-seeking. But that’s their poverty, not mine.

    So maybe you could just get on top of who you are and love (also respect and protect) yourself for it. And not worry about being like so many others are. Just an idea… not sure if I’m articulating it very well.

    Relationship with God is numero uno, I say. All else should follow from that. 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much for this perspective. So powerful! You’re right my relationship with God is first and foremost and everything else should fall in line because of that. I really needed to hear this. Hope you’re having a great Wednesday! Sending big hugs

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  42. HI! I literally couldn’t help stalking your blog page when you liked my article on my page to be honest. Thank you for that though. So I went through some of your blogs and videos and I can honestly say that I am super impressed as well as inspired by you and your experiences to say the least. I have just come to know that you went through a really hard time, but girl, sometimes you do have to sacrifice to see the real life. I am so proud of the way you open up about your life to help and inspire others. It’s a big thing, I swear.
    If you feel down, just know there are people who love you for who you are and that’s what matters the most. Live long enough to keep on brightening our dark days with your blogs and existence. LOVE all the way from other side of the world!

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    1. Hi Amna! Oh my gosh that’s so kind of you to say! I’m so glad our paths crossed.and from the other side of the world!! That’s so awesome. I am always so fascinated by how the wonderful world of blogging can bring people from all over the world together. Thanks again for your incredibly kind encouragement. It means the world. Hugs

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  43. Well, Caralyn, if there is anything we can learn from all of these comments is that we are not alone, and that we share at least a few of the same challenges in life. That knowledge in and of itself is a blessing, and a comfort.

    I’m not sure if the questions in your post were meant to be asked in a more rhetorical sense; I know sometimes we want to let the questions to rest upon our minds for a while. But I must second the notion of those who have said that the best way to reaching our greatest potential in in life is by doing so in accordance to God’s will and with His help and direction. I know that can seem such a petty answer, but I know that He is really there and that He really can speak to us if we truly listen.

    “Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart.

    Now, behold, this is the spirit of revelation;

    But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong;”

    As you ponder the questions from your post, and over your life decisions, the Lord will not only direct you, but He will also give you a personal witness of His approval and acceptance of where you are going and who you are becoming. Therein we obtain His peace, and true joy.

    In this vein I can also tell as one who is in a field and career that I studied and continue to enjoy, although it does bring a certain level of joy, it does not bring the greatest joy in my life. When I come home to my wife and 4-year-old son, I see and feel my greatest joy. The true joy in life has just always been, and is meant to be about families. That is what God’s while work is about; bringing His family back home to him.

    And so it is the same with us. As we help bring our own families, and then our neighbor also who is really our brother or sister in God, we obtain true joy:

    “And if it so be that you should labor all your days, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!

    And now, if your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into the kingdom of my Father, how great will be your joy if you should bring many souls unto me!”

    With all of this said, may I commend you for this truly inspirational blog of yours. Look at how many people you are affecting for good; how many you are truly in many ways bringing back to God.

    Thank you!

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    1. Thank you so much for this kind response Eugene. You’re right I was so touched by the encouraging comments! We are all in this together. That’s such a great and powerful quote. Thanks for sharing it with me! Wow what a beautiful family you have! You’re right God has a plan for everyone and it is good and in his perfect timing. You know it’s funny, I didn’t even think I was going to post this particular entry. I had a completely other one all teed up and ready to go but five minutes before I was set to post I made a gametime decision and posting this musing that was originally intended only for my eyes as A prompt for another post. Funny how God works like that sometimes. Thanks again hugs

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  44. Honesty! This is a good one. I’m about to write about Integrity! This election season showed a lack of it, and even a lack of understanding of what it is! Our world has a lot of work to do to get back to a balanced state!

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  47. Ah…Caralyn. You ARE hard on yourself. You may be afraid, but you are capable. You may not know what flying looks like for you, but you can do it when you figure out what it is for you, what your true passion and gift are.
    From a personal standpoint, sometimes what we are afraid of is that what we strive for will disappoint us, and we’ll be left with nothing. A goal unpursued is less painful than one that disappoints.
    I don’t know what you want to be when you grow up (teehee) but I think you do a bang up job a blogger and recovery supporter.
    hugs sister 🙂

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    1. Thanks Jeff, that’s really kind of you to say. You’re right, it’s easier to not pursue something than to pursue and fail. But you’re right, I’ve gotta just got for it and not be afraid to fall. 🙂 thanks for your encouraging words. Big hugs xox

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  48. We only pass by this way once BB, and only you can define what success looks like for you.
    Looking at your words from the other perspective, maybe you’ve been saved from those other paths because they were just not the right ones.
    Thinking biological clock, perhaps you’re ready for another equally valid and satisfying choice, the opposite of ‘Broadway’ showtime.
    Enjoying, the proverbial white picket fence, mid-western lifestyle with your like-minded soul-mate for life, raising a family and working together for God .
    Cue, screaming feminists, LOL
    God Bless.

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    1. Hi there! Such great advice. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. You’re right, that white picket fence has always been the endgame for me and perhaps it’s time I start setting my sights on that. Thanks for stopping by and for this great perspective. Hugs and love xox

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  49. Start small. Gain confidence doing little things. Allow yourself to pat yourself on the back when you do good. But also allow yourself to make mistakes. Look at the mistakes as lessons on how to do things better. I was afraid of failing for so long that I turned over decision making to my husband. After many friends repeatedly telling me that my husband wasn’t treating me right one friend recommended “Women Who Run With Wolves” by Dr. Clarissa Estes. This book helped me turn my life around. I realized that I have strengths and gifts that I wasn’t using; didn’t even realize that I had.This gave away my power. Please be sure you are not in an abusive relationship with someone whether it be your mother, father, brother, friend, boyfriend or whatever. You are very vulnerable right now. Do not let anyone make you feel that you are stupid or a failure. You seem to be doing that enough to yourself. I am now a confident 65 year old woman. It took time, pain, and grief to see the years of my life and how my confidence was so shattered by my husband and my fear of failure.
    Last I want to share a quote by Marrianne Williamson: Our Deepest Fear

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
    Hope this helps!! Been there, done that and came out of it!

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    1. Thank you so much for this kind response. And wow what a powerful quote. I absolutely love that. You’re right-one step at a time. My motto is “just do the next right thing.” Thanks for passing on your words of wisdom. I appreciate it very much. And I’m glad that things turned around for you:) you deserve a life that overflows with love and respect in abundance. Thanks for stopping by. Hugs and love xox

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  50. This pulled at my heart so much. So often, I find it’s easier, and infintley less painful, to hide behind a wall. As a teenagar who dealt with reactive attachement disorer, I’m still struggling to let people see the real me. SOmetimes, I think I’m over the emotional fear, but I realize I’m just wearing​ another mask. These thoughts definitely​​ ​encourage me to keep fighting my demons of emotional insecurity.

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