On Being Strong

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Sitting here in my airplane seat, 30,000 feet above the earth, I don’t know if it’s the actual closer proximity to God, or the thinning of oxygen in the air, but for the first time in a week, I am able to breathe. Able to think. Able to remove myself from the whirlpool of emotion and chaos at home and literally take a look from the outside in.

And for the first time all week, I have just been able to let the tears flow. Not caring about the onlookers, or the corner-of-their-eye-peekers. Now is the first time when I’ve been able to slouch my spine and not be strong.

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There’s a surge that comes over your body during times of distress. My mind is remembering the verse about the Holy Spirit interceding for us when we don’t know how to pray with wordless groans – and forgive me, I’m too exhausted to scour the online bibles to get the exact verse, but just trust me on this one.

Because not only do I know it’s in there…but I’ve lived it.

I’ve experienced it. First hand.

I think if we’re all being honest with ourselves…I mean, really, painfully honest…our faith life can ebb and flow. We can be really on fire, or sometimes just lukewarm. Maybe that makes me a bad Christian. But hey, coming from the young woman unabashedly crying right now in public (and in front of a cute guy, I might add)…I clearly have no shame right now. No dignity to lose.

All it takes is one life altering event, and there you are, face down in the dust, grasping for the coattails of Jesus’ robe.

Something happens. And I don’t know how to describe it, but over the past few difficult days here, I have never felt so close to God. Have I been scared? Yes…shitless. Have I been sad? Angry? Confused? Discouraged? Exhausted? Panicked? Shocked? Heart broken? Yes…all of the above.

But somehow, someway, I have gotten through it. I have been strong. I have done the next right thing, said what needs to be said, offered support and comfort and love. All while I’m falling apart on the inside.

But I’ve been upheld.

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And in fact, I’ve been drawn closer to the Father.

By none of my doing, I might add.

I think you all know by now the struggle I’ve battled with feeling worthy. After my anorexia, believing and claiming my self worth has been a constant battle. And sometimes, that even extends to my faith – I often don’t feel worthy to lift my face to Jesus and pray. I go to church, but I’ll feel as though I don’t deserve to even be in His presence. That I’m a phony. A hypocrite.

This week, though I still feel that in my mind, it’s like Jesus is working the master command and has done a manual override on those thoughts and feelings. He has just been carrying me through this time, without my asking, without my awareness. He’s getting me through, minute to minute.

For the first time in a long time, I felt that freedom of prayer from an unstained heart. I prayed, and I wasn’t being suppressed by the internal dialogue of conviction and unworthiness.

I was whispering directly into the ear of the Father.

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I don’t know, this post is now pretty….well, it’s out there. I blame Delta for slipping me a roofie in my club soda.

There are times in life when we are strong. And times in life when we need someone to be strong for us. And then, there are those rare occasions where being strong is the only option, regardless of how we may be. And it is in those rare moments that if we take a second to recognize, we realize that our strength is coming entirely from an outside entity. And maybe, if we concentrate hard enough, we’d realize that we’re actually not standing at all…but being held.

Everyone’s had that experience of caring for an intoxicated friend. You get them dressed for bed, help them brush their teeth/take off makeup/wash their face/get them a glass of water and a trash can by their nightstand…you literally do everything for them. And then leave. And they wake up in the morning, not knowing how they got all safe and sound in their bed, completely taken care of. Well, that’s what God’s done with me.

He doesn’t ask. He just does. Steps in.

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Going forward, things will be challenging. New. Uncharted territory. But I’m grateful to have wonderful friends like you along for every step of the way.

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330 thoughts on “On Being Strong”

  1. a lot of positive and strong thoughts in what would seem like a moment of vulnerability. you got me thinking about the source of my strength in good times and bad. we should take the time to think about and value that more

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  3. Romans 8:25-27 – “But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.” I love this post…

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    1. OOOHH Yes!! thank you so much!!! I appreciate you looking that up. I mean, wow — what a powerhouse verse. When we realize that God in His infinite wisdom knew that we would sometimes not know what to pray for, so He took care of that! God is good! hugs to you xox

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      1. Raised a Roman Catholic, I was taught to “pray.” I now know that prayer isn’t what you say or a thing to memorize, but a place you arrive; a state you achieve. I don’t pray as much as I seek to be “prayerful.” It is being aware of His grace and allowing that to flow through you in thankfulness. It’s hard to explain, but I know it when I’m there… Love your writing.

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  4. Take care my friend and blessings and prayers to you. I could really use some this way also. It has been a difficult time. This time of year should be so happy and full of Joy and Hope, but despair, sadness and defeat rule to often. I feel beaten down and am holding on by a string, I have been turning to God more to keep me sane and from doing something stupid. Thank you for always sharing.

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    1. Thank you so much for the prayers, my friend. I will definitely keep you and yours in my as well. I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling that way. Know that I am in your corner. Always 🙂 Massive hugs to you friend. hang in there xox

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  5. This. “And maybe, if we concentrate hard enough, we’d realize that we’re actually not standing at all…but being held.” Beautiful. I’ve been there and it is true. (and the Spirit groaning on our behalf is Romans 8:26 🙂 ) I’m not sure what is going on but prayers are being said.

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    1. Thanks Deanna, wow, what a kind comment. Oh! Romans 8:26! THANK YOU!! 🙂 yeah, I will share what is going on when I am given the green light to. It’s not really my story to tell, if you know what I mean. But I will fill you in when I can. Thank you for the prayers. It means the world. big hugs xox

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    1. Hey Benjamin, thank you so much for sharing this. I guess I just realized that there was *no way* I could have been doing it all on my own. Jesus was literally the only way I could have gotten through it all. I guess that’s how 🙂 Ebbs and flows happen, but God is unchanging 🙂 that always gives me comfort. thanks for stopping by. big hugs to you my friend xox

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  9. Take care sweetie. 😊 It’s perfectly normal to have a wavering faith in God. Mine sure is. I don’t think that makes you any less of a believer; it just makes you human. We’re not always courageous badasses riding into the sunset. Before I forget, I mentioned you in my blog post today, you should check it out! I got really inspired by your last post where you said to try something drastic.

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    1. Thank you so much 🙂 hahaha badasses riding into the sunset…I have such an awesome visual right now. thanks for making me chuckle 🙂 🙂 🙂 Oh awesome! I can’t wait to check it out!! massive hugs to ya girlie xoxox

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  10. Trust me on this! You are not a bad Christian! God loves you so much and as you wrote this post, God’s Holy Spirit was touching your heart. Holy Spirit is always with you. I am so proud of you! I write about my depression now and then on my blog to share my walk of faith with all my stumbles and falling short! You are in my prayers! And be assured God hears every word of your prayers! Thank you for being you!

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    1. Thank you so much Rick! What a kind thing to say. I am seriously so touched. And thanks for the prayers. They are greatly greatly appreciated. God is good, and I am grateful for you and your friendship 🙂 xox

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  11. I hear ya. Mine are like peaks and valleys and sometimes trying to climb back up seems impossible. You already know what I’m going to say next, He’s got your back. You will rise and overcome! God bless.

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  12. Super excellent, inspirational, encouraging article for me to read at this precise moment in my life. Yes, I’m literally being carried right now down a new, uncharted course … no options. But I know who’s in the driver’s seat. The Lord simply moved me aside, into the passenger’s seat, and took the steering wheel… Now we’re traveling down this road and I can’t seem to see anything, BUT I know who CAN see perfectly. And this is purposeful and my Driver knows precisely the right destination… I just have to wait, pray and trust. Again, thank you for this deeply heartfelt, soul-deep, brutally honest blog article! God bless you!

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    1. Thank you so much 🙂 I’m glad this came at the right time!! isn’t is comforting to know that we don’t have to drive and that God is in control. It’s so difficult to trust in times of trial, but sometimes, that is the only option — especially when we realize that we’ve been being carried all along. praying for you 🙂 hugs xox

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    1. Thank you so much Sreekumar, I appreciate this note of kindness. So true– I can’t begin to express how grateful I am for the wonderful friendships on here. It is a beautiful thing that I am very thankful for. big hugs xox

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  14. Hey, I’ve been were you are and I’m still being sustained minute by minute. Please don’t feel unworthy of his presence, God loves you. Stay wrapped and tied up in Jesus! I love that song!!

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  15. Nice post. Thanks for sharing your vulnerability.We need never to be ashamed of our weaknesses, for it is in our weakness that God gives us strength. Remember what Jesus said ” it is the sick that need a Doctor”(Mark 2:17), and we have the best Dr… Dr Jesus Christ, and faith is the only co-payment required.

    “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

    God bless you.

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  17. As often happens with your posts, this one comes at an interesting time for me. Yesterday I was reading through Luke 5 and read verse 8 which says ‘When Simon Peter realized what had happened, he fell to his knees before Jesus and said, “Oh, Lord, please leave me—I’m such a sinful man.”’ and I could totally identify with Simon Peter’s feelings of unworthiness. Reading on further Jesus says “I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners and need to repent.” (verse 32). One of the things that Jesus wants from us is the humility to know that we are not perfect because then it opens the doors for him to work in our lives. When we are weak, he gives us strength. When we are fearful he gives us hope. Your vulnerability and openness is the doorway for God to do awesome things in your life, and I know that as you step into this uncharted territory He will be there to guide you through!

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    1. Hi Tim, thank you so much for this thoughtful reflection. Oh wow, yeah, me too, i can totally relate to that feeling of just wanting Jesus to leave me alone with my shame and sinfulness. But you’re right — we need to allow Him to work in our lives. What a comforting thought that is. thanks for the encouragement. big hugs xox

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  19. I love how you described/compared God stepping in and holding us up, making us safe, to us helping an intoxicated friend. It makes so much sense. He’s always there helping, even when we don’t realize or recognize it. So comforting!

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    1. Thanks so much for this Jenny! yeah, I was reading over this this morning, and the vision of taking care of an intoxicated friend came to my mind, and I realized that God has been doing that for me! can’t take credit for that — He must have placed that image in my mind 🙂 glad you enjoyed the piece. hugs to you xox

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  20. You are right about faith like the ocean. Every wave comes from deep waters. I like your voice I didn’t know you, spoke. Haha

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      1. I was surprised! I clicked on your face and you started talking. I usually have Siri read your posts to me while I, work. Your words were nice to hear in Napa Valley. You have CS Lewis kind of, revelations. He wrote truisms about having faith even after losing his child. He wrote happy works too but his nonfiction on religion are my favorite books.

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      3. Oh, yeah it has the fancy tasting rooms. I do the growing side, haha. Today it was Menage A Trois grapes.

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      5. Neat! I’ve done some tests on their stuff. Fetzer is my favorite it’s out of the way and hard to get too. I guess, like myself. haha I haven’t drank in years though, I’ll take your word for it. Keeps me employed. haha

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  22. Dear Friend, you are a wonderful person. God loves you. I wanted to take this time to speak to your very heart. Let not your heart be troubled. God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and of love. Cast your burdens upon the Lord. He shall lighten your heavy load. A lot of the time, we as humans are weak and that’s ok because Lord said his grace is sufficient. Don’t look at this as a valley of despair. Look at this from the perspective of praising God for bringing out of the valley in advance. I have been in many, many valleys and even though I don’t always like them, I always learn to lean on Him during the difficult times. I praise when things are good, I praise him when things are not good. A thought of God can always make your mind be at peace. #Feed Your Faith and your fears will disappear. I’ll keep you in my prayers dear Friend. Remember for we war not against flesh and blood. Don’t let discouragement be a companion of yours. Each valley that we enter into as Christians it’s a testing time. It’s a time for you to grow your faith so you can be leaping from mountain to mountain. Lean not to your own understanding. Don’t rely heavily on your physical feelings. Allow the still small voice of the Lord to speak a love message to you and just continue to praise him for every sign of improvement.

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    1. Aw, thank you so much my friend. What an incredibly kind note of encouragement. That is so comforting and empowering – His grace IS sufficient. You’re right, gotta listen for that still small voice. big hugs to you xox

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  23. Thank you for sharing. I am familiar with that struggle of having felt unworthy. I’m not sure what the pivotal moment was when I completely accepted that we are all born worthy, including me. There is no need to earn God’s unconditional love. Jesus showed us this in his incredible acts of unconditional love for others. I pray that you come to know this with certainty. You are a light. This made me think of one of my favorite mantra’s: I sit back in to the arms of grace and let go and allow.

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  25. This is what I love about your posts/. So open and honest. We see inside you, pretty or not, and we see God’s plan unfolding in your life. He’s a good, good Father. And you are learning, and sharing, how He makes you and molds you through each process, however painful. And He always upholds us! Thank you!

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    1. oh thank you so much. Yeah, I hear that! Life can definitely get in the way!! I’m glad that this hit home with you. thanks for the encouragement and I hope you can find a quiet moment to jot some thoughts down 🙂 hugs xox

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  27. Ahhh, great post. You sound a lot like me. I so understand those feelings of unworthiness when it comes to faith.That is the whole point however, none are worthy not one, we all need Him. I was such a closet Christian for much of my life, wrestling with that very thing.

    I could really relate to this, “I go to church, but I’ll feel as though I don’t deserve to even be in His presence.” All in good fun here, but long ago there were a bunch of church scandals, TV pastors falling, imperfect Christians all around me, and God kept saying, still going to hide? He rained so many imperfect Christian people down on me, I finally cracked. If not you, who? God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

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    1. Thank you so much, for this thoughtful reflection. You’re right — He qualifies the called. That’s a powerful way to put it. Thanks for sharing your story. You’re right – we all need Him. Glad you stopped by. big hugs xox

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  28. I can’t imagine what it is that you’re going through but I do sense the feelings that you express having had similar feelings from trauma. Whatever it is whatever you are going through I thank you for sharing your heart and your struggle with honesty and guts.

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  30. Thank you for this post! ! ! ! ! I feel like you do more often than not. I feel like I’m failing, keep going to confession, Mass, still feel like I’m failing, then BOOM! back at it! Riding high! All is good! Repeat. Lol!
    In the end i know is all God’s will. He’s been there for me countless times, even at my absolute worst but he never has given up nor will He,so who am I to not feel good enough? We gotta keep our heads up high, my friend. You’re doing great! Thank YOU for keeping my levels straight too, Caralyn!

    Love and God Bless You!
    -David

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  32. You’re right Caralyn our faith life can ebb and flow, but I love how He takes our wreckage and makes something beautiful! And you know what, you writing this post is proof of that! BTW, have you heard the song “Mended” by Matthew West? If not check it out, I think you would love it. Peace and healing to you.

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  33. Sending prayers for you. Remember Isaiah 40:28-31 Specifically I was thinking of verse 29 “He gives strength to the weak. And He gives power to him who has little strength.” May you find peace my friend. Much love to you.

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  34. Well now I certainly appreciate that you were supported on your faith and all, but what gives? Nothing about those trials–And you know what I’m talking about–nothing about what transpired, nothing about the challenges. Oh boy, I hate to be negative nick, but I’m feeling cheated. Your usual bravery defying brutal honesty replaced with a lengthy post about being buoyed up by God. Don’t hate me for calling you out! You know I love you, which is why I hope you make this right. Not for me, but for you! Tsk tsk, and if I’m out of line feel free to soap me back into reality. This is not why you are blogginh am I right? Don’t be mad!

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      1. Nooooo, I guess I misplaced my sensibility. I should have merely said I would have liked to read about what happened at home, because we knew the struggles face, and how God lifted you up. I’m sorry, I didn’t deliver my point very constructively, I didn’t mean to do it that way. I’m just way over tired, I should have waited until tomorrow like I was going to

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      2. Oooh!! I gotcha now! Haha sorry for the crossed wires. Yeah, I will share more when I get the green light. It’s not really my sorry to tell, if you know what I mean. But as soon as I can, I promise I will:) sleep tight!!

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  36. Girly I totally relate! I know what God says about me, but I struggle with my worth too. I’ll be praying for you. God’s got you, just continue to let Him carry you! Hugs to you my sister in Christ! ❤

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  37. Your writing it’s beautiful. I love the faith you express. Thankfully, God is immutable and His love for us has no strings attached. How amazing to be so aware of His presence. You are worthy. Don’t ever doubt that. When God looks at those who are in Christ Jesus, that is who He sees. He doesn’t see our sin. You are perfect in His eyes.

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      1. You know princess, just yesterday I was with with a friend. She is a young widow and three years ago when her husband died and I visited her after a while, I felt her so strong. That was a period of stagnant faith for me, so when I asked her how she pulled all that together and she told me it was God… I went like yeah whatever. So yesterday, she looked at me and asked me how I pulled all that together… I told her this: More than 3 times I have ignored God, he keeps sweeping me off my feet… He is the best! And we hugged deeped and praised God. I share this to say I feel you… I recently wrote a poem titled I know where you are coming from… And I also know how the Holy Spirit in us can inspire us to write stuffs which amaze even us later on. Peace and love princess

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      2. Wow, a a powerful story. Thank you so much for sharing that. Yes, He does sweep us off our feet. Isn’t that suck a beautiful thing. And I totally feel you about being inspired by the Holy Spirit to write! Hugs to you friend xox

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  40. Oh my dear friend (: I feel almost like just a speechless bystander here watching Father sing his love over you. He is so wonderful!
    I re-watched The Giver today and that moment when the Giver comes into the room where the community elders are about to euthanize Fiona and he starts telling them about the memories and the feelings and what it’s like to…love. And then Jonas steps through the memory barrier and it all comes back to them all in one big swirling wave of emotion and reality and ah… the feels become real and suddenly they are all complete like they never knew they could be. That’s about as close as I can get to explaining what it was like reading this tonight (:

    Anyway, I’m babbling now xD have a wonderful night (: rest well in Father this week

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    1. Hey again Carson. 🙂 thank you, my dear friend. You wanna know a secret…I’ve never seen the giver! It sounds incredible from your description. But amen to that — love is powerful. And it conquers all. Yes, resting in the Father’s arms sounds like exactly what I need right now. Hope everything is well with you. 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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      1. Bahaha me and my movie-examples. Actually I’ve heard the book(s?) is better though so *shrug*

        Everything is quite well with me – I could use some rest myself though! We just adopted an 8-week-old karelian bear dog puppy (possibly a maremma/kangal, I guess we’ll be able to tell a little better when he’s older maybe) and he is the most adorable thing! Also on Friday I’m somewhat solo-ing with the group of teens my wife and I have been leading out for after a month off and I’m super excited for what God’s got in mind for the new year 😀 but anyway! I could probably go on and on and on….well, you know.

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      2. Hahah Oh my gosh!! Awww 😍😍😍😍 sounds adorable. What’s his name? Oh wow, good luck on Friday! Sounds like it will be quite the adventure 🙂 with God at the wheel, excitement is always in store! Hugs xox

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      3. We finally begrudgingly settled on Baxter (begrudgingly because as much as it stuck I was sure there was a better name, haha, but nope, Baxter–like Buster Baxter)
        So Friday went super well and we got a really good response from everybody and wow Holy Spirit was just so all over that and I think we’re off to a really good start! 😀 Yay! Yes, always exciting, always an adventure (:
        Happy Sunday! (:

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  41. When my dad suddenly died, I was hollow. But I knew I had to take care of arrangements for the family. This was my time when being strong was the only option. It still hurts now, but I have found perspective. When you find perspective and some comfort from this moment in time share it with us. For my situation, I love writing old stories about my dad. It makes me think about the fun times I had when he was in my life. Good post Caralyn as always. -Larry

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    1. Hey Larry, gosh, I am so sorry that you had to go through that. What a powerful thing that you’re keeping his memory alive in your writing. I’m sure he’s looking down and smiling with love. Thank you for sharing this. Sending big big hugs xox

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      1. Hey Caralyn, I wanted to share something Jesus put on my heart today, with you 😊.
        Today, I read through Genesis 8, and 9, talking about Noah and the Ark, after the flood had finally died down. Genesis 8:1 says something that caught my heart, this morning: “But God remembered Noah and all the wild animals and the livestock that were with him in the ark, and he sent a wind over the earth,and the waters receded.”
        I don’t know why, but that phrase struck me: “But God remembered Noah…”. God “remembered or brought to mind”– as it translates in Hebrew– Noah, this man who had put his faith in Christ and obeyed him, and God made the waters recede. Noah and his family were important to Christ. So was the livestock in the ark, and so, God caused the waters to recede.

        I guess the point of why I bring this up, is to encourage you with this thought: just like Noah, God has you, and your family, on His mind. And, just like in Noah’s case, Jesus is working on your behalf.
        Life was never the same for Noah and his family, again. But God remembered Noah– even through Noah’s unfaithfulness, and sin (as Genesis 9 discusses Noah getting drunk and falling asleep, Naked), and worked on Noah’s behalf, giving him hope and a future.

        I pray this over you today, Caralyn. That you would be comforted by knowing that you, your family, and this situation is on Jesus’ mind, and in engraved on the palms of His Hands (Isaiah 49:16). All of this is in His Hands. Look to Him, and continue to draw near to Him.
        He will work on your behalf; you need only to be still (Exodus 14:14).

        Though we do not know each other well, I love you as a sister in Jesus, and am continuing to pray for you. Draw near to Jesus, Caralyn. May He continue to “hold you up.”

        With Love, In Christ,
        Annalee (bringbackhisgirls)

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      2. wow, Analee. this is so beautiful. and powerful. Isn’t God amazing how you can read the same verse for your entire life, and then one day, God highlights a random word and then BAM it changes the entire meaning!? wow. i am so comforted by these words. thank you. with all my heart. and for the prayers. i am so grateful to have you in my life as a sister in Jesus, and friend 🙂 with gratitude, Caralyn

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      3. It’s all Jesus, Caralyn!! “Oh what a Savior, Isn’t He wonderful? Sing Hallelujah, Christ has risen!” (“Come to the Altar, Elevation Worship). He amazes me each day. I pray we would walk with more and more dependence on Him, each moment of our days.
        I am so grateful and I thank Jesus for your friendship and being a sister, too 😄 Jesus bless you, girl.

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  43. Thank you for the inspiration and the honesty in your words. It is good to be broken and humble before our God, for this the way of the cross. When we are empty of our own strength is when we are able to be strong with His strength. Good words. Great encouragement.

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  44. Continued prayers for you in the Big Apple.
    …
    Sometimes I think I have been down in the dirt of the pit so many times that God sighs and weeps mightily. Yet He lovingly picks me up, hugs me (dirt and all), and assures me of His love, tells me to go my way and sin no more. I just don’t wanna let Him down. I know my unworthiness & weakness; I need to remember His strength available thru Holy Spirit.

    God bless you.

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  45. This is a beautifully honest and growth worthy post. I think this is how God wants us to be. Ironically, we think being a “good Christian” is saying and doing all the right things and never becoming weak, but when we are weak that’s when we are made strong … through Him. That’s when we are totally vulnerable and trusting to our Father. Otherwise, we are solely depending on ourselves and that is far from being a good thing. Our deep connection to Christ is built up when we are at our lowest, because we KNOW it was no one else but Him that carried us through. I pray that God will continue to keep you and mold you into the woman He wants you to be. You are wonderfully made and don’t ever forget it! God Bless and thank you, for being you.

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    1. Thank you so much. Amen to that-when we are weak, He makes us strong. I really appreciate your encouragement. You’re right, He carries us. And I can’t begin to express how much your prayers mean. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Big hugs xox

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  48. Whatever has come over you and your family, you will be in my prayers tonight. You are living proof that “the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.” Living evidence.

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    1. Hey Brandon, thank you so much for your prayers. I can’t begin to express how much that means. amen to that – that peace is guarding my heart. And I had nothing to do with that. That is His grace. Thanks for stopping by and for your encouragement. big hugs xox

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  49. Fantastic read!! First off, happy 2017!! I hope that you had a wonderful holiday season!

    It’s been a rough time for many of us who are trying to walk with Christ day to day, myself most certainly included! But the solace we should take, just as you alluded to, is that Jesus is ALWAYS unashamed to step in and lift us up. Sins and faults be danged.

    We will always fall short. Always. But the beauty of grace is that it never lets up even when we do.

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