Do You Trust Me? 

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Oh how my days are different these days.


I’ve always been a bit of a night owl, but nowadays, the nighttime is my own personal retreat. When the whole house is asleep, alarm on, and my darkened room is lit with the glow of my overworked MacBook, I can finally breathe. Reflect. Write. Numb out. It is my respite of quiet. Of solace.

Over the past five weeks since my mom’s stroke, I have definitely walked through a lot of emotions.

They say that there are five stages of grief, but I don’t think I’ve even ever allowed myself to “go there” and entertain that mindset of “grief,” because I have nothing to grieve. I believe that my mom is going to get better. Period. I am clinging to that hope. I am demanding that of God.

But tonight was the first night where I just was … well … I was feeling down tonight. It was a rough evening, and sitting here in the quiet of my bedroom, I let myself feel those feelings that I have been forbidding to cross my mental field since it happened. And I’ll tell you what…it was a pretty sobering experience.


Through all of this, I have so tried not to think about myself. I’ve focused on my mom. My dad. How I can best serve them. How I can update my siblings and keep them in the loop and keep them encouraged.

But tonight. I thought about me.

And I cried. A lot.

It was a mixture of some anger and then just deep sorrow.

I almost couldn’t catch my breath, thinking about how, I am so young. I have so much of my life ahead of me. Life that I need my mom for. Need her guidance. Her wisdom. Advice. Opinions.

There are so many things I wish I could have asked her before this happened, such as, should I wear a veil with my wedding dress? How do you hem a pair of men’s dress pants? How do you work through tough issues in a marriage? What is the proper wine bottle to number-of-party-guests ratio? What are the best memories of her early years of marriage and what does she wish she could have done differently/sooner?

Things that, I fear, she may never be able to fully answer.

And that gave me such deep sorrow. Thinking about all of her incredible wisdom that I could be missing out on if she doesn’t get “better.”


My mom is such a beautiful source of Godly wisdom on how to be a joyful and selfless wife/mother/friend/teacher/encourager/neighbor/person….why didn’t I interrogate her and tape record her answers when I had the chance and she was able to fully express herself?

But what really got to me was thinking about my future wedding someday. And how scared I am that she won’t be able to fully be present. Looking into her eyes in the bridal room before I walk down the aisle and not having the mother I’ve always known whisper the words I need hear in that moment…it kills me.

Crying in the darkness, letting my mind go to these heart wrenching places, I was about ready to just shut my laptop and close my eyes, and succumb to the images in my head. And in that moment, my heart surged with stillness, and I was filled with this overwhelming thought of “Do you trust me?”

I’m not saying I heard the voice of God, but sometimes, a phrase will just pop in my mind out of nowhere, and I am hard pressed to believe that those messages aren’t inspired by the Father.

Do you trust me?

Well, God, if you’re asking and I’m being candid…yes, but right now, I’m having a pretty hard time doing so.


Fear is a pretty strong emotion. It’s the trump card. When fear is present, all bets are off. And I’m going to be honest…if I let my guard down, I become pretty fearful.

Do you trust me?

Yes, Lord, I do.

My mom will get better. I am claiming that. Demanding it of God. But if she doesn’t and this is as far as her recovery is going to go, I know that it will be okay.

God will make it be okay.

God will make it be okay.

God will make me believe it will be okay.

God will make me believe that I will be okay.

Maybe there is something that I’m supposed to be learning in all of this. Maybe there is a greater plan at work, and all this was supposed to get my life or my mom’s life on a different path or trajectory than it had been on. Who knows.

But I do know, that right now, in this very moment, I am being asked to trust Him.

He has never forsaken me. Ever. Nor will He now.

Yes, Lord. I trust You.


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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

421 thoughts on “Do You Trust Me? ”

  1. Sending you love sweetie. I don’t know the outcome, but I know either way that he holds you both closely ❤
    Don’t forget to self care. It’s important
    Xo

    Liked by 3 people

  6. You are in my prayers and your family too. You share a powerful testimony which is being formed! Keep talking with God as He wants you to draw near…as close as you can be. Your testimony will touch many hearts! Love n blessings.

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  9. Trusting God is an ongoing learning experience as we are asked to trust more and more over things we cannot control. The little things are easy, but the big ones require a real stretching of faith. My prayers are with you.

    Liked by 3 people

  10. Years ago my dad had a stroke. He couldn’t speak or write. He was completely incoherent with thought. But he worked hard and with my mom helping him with word and speech exercises he was speaking, writing, and driving 3 1/2 months later. He was 67 years old.
    Healing can start slow but once it begins, with help, the progress can be amazing. God made these bodies wonderfully…healing will happen. Watch God work and remember.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. He died not too long after this. But that doesn’t discount the amazing healing he experienced. And, he was saved in between the two strokes. My dad had been an alcoholic all his adult life so his body was not in optimal shape. I don’t doubt that your mom can heal and be there completely for your’s and her future ahead.
        Dad’s recovery was amazing and it showed God at work in various ways.

        Liked by 2 people

  13. Phil 4:4-7 says-Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
    Romans 5:1-5 says-Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And web boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
    James 1:2-4 says-Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
    1 Peter 4:12-13 says-Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

    You must persevere my Sister. God has plans for you and in order for you to receive your commission your faith must be tested and deemed worthy of the call. Does that mean that you do not care for and hurt for those that we love in our flesh; certainly not, but God wants to see if you still will stand in the face of seemingly insurmountable mountains. Matthew 6:33 says “seek first the Kingdom of Heaven, and His righteousness, and all else will be given to you as well. I am not suggesting that you stop caring. I am suggesting that you keep trusting God. If you focus on your troubles, then trouble is all you will see. If you focus on God, then God is all you will see. Basically, what you see is what you will get. Keep your eyes on the prize.

    My prayers are with you to be strong in your test. God knows your Mom and He will never leave her nor forsake her. TRUST and BELIEVE!

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Oh my gosh you too! The other day I had this random thought pop in my head “forgive and you shall be forgiven” and I knew it was Him.

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      1. True like all my other thoughts were immediately silenced. It’s amazingly inspirational. Same to you!

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  15. A few thoughts. Please remember that God didn’t cause your mom’s stroke. This isn’t a test. Bad stuff happens in this fallen world, but it’s not God’s own hand doing it.
    Second, remember Daniel 3:16-18. The Jews trusted in God that He would protect them, but they also knew that He may not. In either case, they did not abandon their faith.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Dearest BBB,
    I appreciate your transparency. Your anger is real, the Lord hears. Your emotion is real, the Lord comforts you. Your tears are real, the Lord dries them. Your fear is real, the Lord restores you. Jesus experienced emotional overwhelm while praying in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus experience anger in the temple clearing out the money-changers. Jesus wept. Jesus was grieved. Everything we feel, He has felt. There is no shame in experiencing grief. Its when we are weak, He is our strength. The question: Do you Trust me? Is a reminder that you can. Pray with anticipation. I will do the same for you.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. This is such a comforting note. Thank you so much. You’re right, I think the Lord allows us to feel feelings, so we should acknowledge them! Amen to that – pray with anticipation. And thank you for your prayers 🙂 it means the world. hugs xox

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  23. You have amazing faith. As I was reading this, I am reminded that I have never really grieved the loss of my sister to suicide. But more to your Mother, She is a part of you and maybe you’re familiar with “The Promises” they have manifested themselves in my life, but the “we will intuitively know how to handle situations that use to baffle us” I’m sure that is God working and being called upon in our darkest and more vulnerable moments. Thank You!

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  24. Praying for you always, Caralyn. You’re an amazing daughter. Be strong, and keep fighting the good fight. You’re not alone either….don’t forget to connect with your brothers & sisters in Christ, as this is what we’re here for. Trust in God, trusting His people….trust is so hard. It hurts more than the problem at first, in my opinion. What I’ve learned is that the more you trust God, the closer you get to Him…the more you see. It’s terrifying, humbling, and joy all wrapped in one. Just keep going, five minutes at a time.

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  26. Wow. Such beautiful, honest words. Learning to trust God – to really trust Him – is probably the hardest (and most important) thing we need to do in our relationship with Him. I’m so glad to hear you’re on this journey of trusting Him more and more, in the midst of this time of suffering, pain, and confusion. What an incredible example of trust you have. Thank you for these words.

    An encouragement, or rather, more of a challenge: trust that God did speak to you, my friend. And does. Don’t be afraid to claim that, because it’s true. He would be a pretty crappy Father if He didn’t speak to His children, eh? But He’s perfect. And loves to talk to you, His beloved daughter. Trust that voice, and that it is the voice of Love.

    God bless you; grace and peace to you, my friend.
    -Cody Wilkinson

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks so much Cody. I so appreciate the prayers. haha a pretty crappy father, that made me chuckle 🙂 But it’s true, I will claim that for sure! And trust in His goodness and mercy. Thanks for the encouragement and for making me smile. big hugs xox

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  27. And remember when you’re fearful: perfect love casts out all fear. Father’s love casts out fear, Father’s love in and through you casts out fear, and Father’s love in and through your mother–and the rest of your family casts. out. fear. So as you’re walking through this (and the rest of your family is walking through this) the more you source from Father’s love, the less and less fear will have its trump on you, the more and more that love will be able to emmanate from you to the rest of your family too. Because the truth is, love, and a little bit of time, can heal any wound. You look up to your mother’s wisdom and this time is only adding more and more to that library of life experience for her–and for you, who one day may have someone else to pass it on down to–and when this life here is just a drop in the bucket of eternity? Nothing is lost in the love of Father (:

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks so much Carson. Amen to that – it really does cast out all fear. That is what I will be clinging to: His love. Every day. Every moment. And that is so true – this life really is a drop in the bucket, and we will all be reunited with loved ones in eternity one day. There is such comfort in that. hugs to you xox

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  29. Faith isn’t the absence of doubt–faith is the willingness to challenge and take on doubt. My prayers continue to be for you, your mom, and your family. You made a healthy step by releasing all of that which you have been hiding. And His voice to you, count on it! Thank you for sharing.

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  34. As you pose your questions that you wish you could ask your mother, you showed the answer to all of them. I wonder if you saw that.

    “My mom is such a beautiful source of Godly wisdom on how to be a joyful and selfless wife/mother/friend/teacher/encourager/neighbor/person….”

    There’s your answer. Just live the qualities you so admire in her. Knowing her answers to your questions is not the solution. Knowing and adopting the qualities she possesses to live her life so well will equip you to answer your own questions when life asks them.

    After that, your faith, your trust will answer everything else that needs answering. Because it will invite more words that appear to you, being a child of The Most High who seeks His Ways. And, for the times when those messages don’t come when you want them to…

    “And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.” Mark 9:24

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief. Wow, what a powerful verse. I had forgotten about that little gem. Such power in such a short sentence. But my goodness, Jeff, what an incredibly insightful response. You’re so right – I have been receiving the answers to all of my questions every single day of my life, being her daughter, watching her interact, hearing her words, seeing the decisions she made and didn’t make. I need to follow in her footsteps. I’ve never looked at it like that before, but you are spot on. Thank you 🙂 I’m sorry that there is no patreon yet. My siblings are in coming in town tomorrow and i was preparing the house for company….I was at the grocery for nearly 2 hours when all was said and done! haha But it will be up tomorrow 🙂 Thanks for being such a great friend and encourager. 🙂 hope things are well on your end! hugs to you and julie! xox

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      1. All is well here. No worries about Patreon. I’m just glad that you are having family in, having that time together. Enjoy your weekend. Hugs and love to you and yours!

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      2. Yeah, it really is so good to be together. My mom is the heart of our family. Truly. She is part of us and we, her. We all want to be there for one another. I am so grateful for my family. I fully appreciate that not everyone is lucky to have an intact family where people actually like one another. I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but I’m just going to be grateful for it. Sending big hugs xox

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      1. I hope your Mom gets better. It’s always unsettling to see someone who has been your Rock. My Dad has dementia. They call this the long goodbye. No one knows how to cure it. I came home to enjoy every moment I have left. Things will be as they are meant to be. Love your Mom. Spend every moment you can. Do all you can do. In the end, God loves. God loves because that is God’s nature. Sometimes the very human definition is what hangs us up. Love without expectation, condition, or anything else. Just love. That’s all we’re here to learn.

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      2. Thanks again, Dave. Oh gosh, I am so sorry to hear that about your dad. gosh that just breaks my heart. I will definitely keep you and him and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Yes, I am definitely cherishing my time with her 🙂 amen to that — just love xo

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  36. Thank you for sharing this look into your soul. You are an amazingly beautiful woman. I am sure that God has great plans for you.

    It is OK to grieve for your mother’s loss, for your loss. People find it hard to believe that God still cares when things are going terribly wrong. But remember, Jesus was nailed to a cross. What parent would allow their son to be nailed to a tree, to suffer horribly and die in the most dishonorable fashion known to society for another person? Not a human, only God could do this. God’s thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are not our ways. He is more concerned about where we spend eternity than how we live or die on earth. Our life here is but a breath, but a blink of the eye compared to eternity. The suffering we endure here is very, very temporary compare to infinity, eternity. God is more concerned with our eternal life than our moment here on earth.

    This does not meant that our God is heartless and uncaring. Remember the shortest verser in the Bible: Jesus wept. Jesus wept because he was fully human and understood our human grief. He was saddened unto tears at his friends Lazarus’s death. He was also fully God and in a moment would raise Lazarus from the dead because God would be glorified by this miracle.

    I think with all my heart (think about that statement) that Jesus feels your pain and he weeps at your loss. I pray that your mother recovers; but, if she does not, remember that there are many women who never knew their mothers. Look at your glass as half full not half empty. Thank God for the time you had with your mother in health and the time you have with her in her diminished capacity.

    May God’s Peace be upon you as you go through this difficult time.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. It truly means the world. You’re so right – I should see it half full for sure. Because it’s true – Jesus died on the cross and endured so much agony for you and I and all of us. That’s the extent of His love. I needed to hear this tonight. thanks again. big big hugs xox

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  38. Hi! As I look at your picture above, and read your words, they transport me back several years to when I was watching over my husband as he slowly lost his fight to cancer. Night time was my respite as well. The time that I wrote on CaringBridge (an excellent way to journal and keep family and friends in touch so you don’t have to repeat yourself forever), and time to just relax and do something “fun”. I often felt guilty, as this meant my sweet husband went to bed alone; but I was not only with him every moment he was home from work, but also caring for our very frightened, angry teen aged son with autism, and I needed alone time to catch myself and Jesus.

    During those times, if I thought too far ahead, and anxiety began to pulse through my body, the Lord would remind me of something my pastor said when we began the worst of his cancer treatments, “God only gives grace for today. Never tomorrow. Tomorrow’s grace must wait until it is today.” Those words always reminded me that if tomorrow became to frightening, I could hold off on thinking about it until it was today. My pastor was right – when tomorrow became today, there was always sufficient grace. God’s presence was tangible. And yes, he did speak, not audibly, but very clearly in those quiet thoughts, and encompassing presence. My senior pastor’s wife, who’s going through a similar situation said it well, “God’s presence is truly there. Felt.” He is so faithful.

    Thank you for keeping us posted dear lady. I will continue to pray. God bless.
    Robin

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    1. Hi Robin, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss. that just breaks my heart. But that is such great perspective : God only gives grace for today. It’s true, He gets us through in that moment. He always does. I’m so glad you also know the comfort of writing. Thanks again for your kind words and encouragement. And for your continued prayers. It truly means the world. Sending the biggest hugs your way. xox

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  39. Peter trusted Jesus but probably much more as Jesus reached into the water to hold him up. We trust because of our focus not because we reach a place of comfort. You do trust despite your doubts. Good job. Proof of your confidence in the faith God has grown in you. Oh and another great post. Thanks. John

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    1. Thank you so much for this powerful perspective, John. You’re right – Jesus holds us up when we are drowning. What a beautiful thing. Thanks for your kind and encouraging words. Grateful for you 🙂 xox

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  41. So sorry to hear about your Mom! (I’ve been away from reading/writing due to more of my own health issues.) I am very close to my Mom as well and she too has been very ill, so I understand that bond. But, this topic of trust constantly stretches my faith. It’s hard to be stretched in our faith, isn’t it? Tragedy, deep struggle, fear…it has tested my faith more these last 8 yrs. than ever. (Mainly, I because I had/have had no control…yeah, blindly trusting has been the hardest test of my faith. I’m constantly being presented with, “How deep is my faith if I can’t trust Him (blindly) in the hardest of times.” It’s really messed with me. I don’t like being stretched. :/ Blessings to you and your family!

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been having health issues of your own! I hope you’re doing better, and I will definitely keep you in my prayers. Thanks for the encouragement during this time of stretching 🙂 big hugs xox

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  42. I think you write beautifully and I love how vulnerable you are in your writing. I’ve been away for a while but opened up my email and saw this post. I’m sorry about your mom. God knows your pain and He will see you through. He loves you…and your mom. When you say that you’re “demanding of God” that she gets better…it sounds kinda weird to me so I thought I’d share this with you…

    God loves your mom and He didn’t bring this sickness (stroke) to her. He wants nothing more than for her to be healed. Sickness and disease are always from the enemy and a result of our fallen nature. But if Jesus were “in the flesh” here, walking the earth today and you said, “Lord, heal my mom!” He’d of course say, “YES! Be healed.” The thing is, it is Christ IN US…the hope of glory. Christ has sent His Holy Spirit to dwell in us. The same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead lives in us…and we are called to do that now. He said He had to go but He left us with this command…

    Mark 16:17-18New King James Version (NKJV)

    17 And these signs will follow those who believe: In My name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues; 18 they[a] will take up serpents; and if they drink anything deadly, it will by no means hurt them; they will lay hands on the sick, and they will recover.”

    Here’s a suggestion, pray over your momma. Lay your hands on her and tell the enemy he has no place in her. She is a beautiful child of God and by His stripes she is healed. Then YOU command her to “Be healed!” In the name of Jesus.

    There’s lots of preachers who teach on this subject and they say we’ve got it all wrong. We have to stop speaking to God about our problem and start speaking to our problem about how great our God is.

    Prayers of healing, restoration and peace for you and your family right now. Thank you Lord that You and You alone are mighty to save. Thank You that when we believe, we can move mountains. Thank you that Your word says that we are to have no anxiety at all…Philippians 4:6-7
    6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

    Blessings!
    Jackie

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    1. Thank you so much for this thoughtful response, Jackie. It truly means the world. Those are some powerful scripture verses, thank you for sharing. And you’re so right — God didn’t bring this on to her. And amen amen amen : By His stripes, we ARE healed! I will definitely give that a shot. Thank you for your loving and kind words, and for your prayers. it truly means the world. big big hugs xox

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  44. So sorry to see that you’re going through this. Words aren’t going to take away the fear and sadness, but at least you know that there are many souls who are holding your hands throughout this experience. I will say as someone who lost my dad when I was 28, it made my relationship with my mom much closer since it forced me to not take for granted what I had in my parents. Perhaps you will have the same experience with your dad, and continue to grow your relationship as you both Igor through this. And when your mom gets better, perhaps your relationship will take new directions as well! Praying for you and her to get that chance!

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    1. Thank you so much for your encouraging words and prayers. Gosh, I am so sorry to hear that you lost your father at such a young age. That just breaks my heart. I am sending you the biggest hug through the screen right now. Yes, I am so grateful for the love and support on here. It is truly incredible and I am so very thankful. That’s so true – I definitely don’t take *anything* for granted any more. It sounds like you have a lot of wisdom. And how great to know that we will all be reunited with our loved ones one day 🙂 thanks again, friend. hugs xox

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  45. When I read the title I said, “NO! People from Pittsburgh are taught NEVER to trust people from Ohio!”

    I agree Caralyn, you are learning from your Mom and learning about yourself in a new, scary way.

    If we do not trust in God, then we have nothing at all.
    – Larry

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  47. Beauty,
    God is working in your life, I can see the growth in you already, even though I’ve only been reading your blog a short time. Remember that we are all eternal beings, living for a short time in these temporary homes that we call our bodies. Such glory awaits all of us who know and love God.
    And God was not taken by surprise by your mother’s stroke. He didn’t say, “Oh, my, I didn’t see that coming” as He slapped His forehead. God’s deepest desire is not for long life for us, but for life that continues to conform more and more to his image. Praise God your mom knows the Savior and you will be with her for all eternity.

    You are in my prayers.

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    1. Thanks so much for your prayers and kind words. I do believe He is at work in my life and that He’ll have me end up where I’m supposed to be. Amen to that – the Kingdom is to come 🙂 yes, my mom is incredible. thanks for stopping by. hugs xox

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  48. I’m sorry I didn’t realize your mom had a stroke. I would have prayed for her and for you and your family. I’m glad you have lots of support online and in the real world and in the heavenly realm. Be blessed and may God restore what the canker has stolen. Amen.

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    1. Hi Constane, thank you so much for your kind words. Yeah, she had a stroke a couple days after christmas. Thank you, you’re sweet to say that. Yeah, it’s been really incredible how wonderful people have bene 🙂 Thank you for your prayers. big hugs to you xox

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      1. You’re welcome. Thanks for the hugs. A lot going on, so I appreciate the thought. 🙂 Big hugs to you, too. My uncle had a stroke and he learned to adapt and then to communicate in his own way. He liked to tease the ones he loved which I don’t remember seeing that in him before the stroke. It was cute.

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      2. Aw, your uncle sounds like an incredible person. I’m sorry that he had that happen to him. I’m glad that he found his own way. Will be keeping you and yours in my heart and prayers xox

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      3. Thank you. He’s up with Jesus now, no more scooter for him or exercises to strengthen his body. He lived quite a while after the stroke and my aunt appreciated having him for that long. I’ll be praying for your mom and your family. An author I’ve met wrote a book called, With Each Passing Moment: Help and Hope for Caregivers. Her name is Shirley E. Leonard. I bought the book for my sister-in-law, but I never read it. God bless.

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  49. Hugs to you, kiddo. I don’t “denominate'”myself but I know there is a Spirit that moves through all things. At all times. This is terribly hard, what you’re experiencing now, but..the LOVE is what matters. Clearly that is there. So all is well, even when it doesn’t look so much like it. Don’t worry about the how, you’ve got the What.

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  50. In our weakest and barest moments, when we are ripped and rid of all we could be otherwise chasing, when all we may have is that darkness and stillness, we still have an option. Get very scared the end is nigh at hand, or Trust in our Almighty Father that all nights definitely turn into day. Some even have such rainbows your gratitude tank starts to overflow. Dear princess, no joke am going through similar moment and I have 3 boys the Lord entrusted me with. I write this to you as guided by my spirit. Keep getting ready, one day and hopefully in the near future, your tests will become one big testimony. One very VIP chapter in that book you have been thinking much of lately. Shalom

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