Do You Trust Me? 

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Oh how my days are different these days.


I’ve always been a bit of a night owl, but nowadays, the nighttime is my own personal retreat. When the whole house is asleep, alarm on, and my darkened room is lit with the glow of my overworked MacBook, I can finally breathe. Reflect. Write. Numb out. It is my respite of quiet. Of solace.

Over the past five weeks since my mom’s stroke, I have definitely walked through a lot of emotions.

They say that there are five stages of grief, but I don’t think I’ve even ever allowed myself to “go there” and entertain that mindset of “grief,” because I have nothing to grieve. I believe that my mom is going to get better. Period. I am clinging to that hope. I am demanding that of God.

But tonight was the first night where I just was … well … I was feeling down tonight. It was a rough evening, and sitting here in the quiet of my bedroom, I let myself feel those feelings that I have been forbidding to cross my mental field since it happened. And I’ll tell you what…it was a pretty sobering experience.


Through all of this, I have so tried not to think about myself. I’ve focused on my mom. My dad. How I can best serve them. How I can update my siblings and keep them in the loop and keep them encouraged.

But tonight. I thought about me.

And I cried. A lot.

It was a mixture of some anger and then just deep sorrow.

I almost couldn’t catch my breath, thinking about how, I am so young. I have so much of my life ahead of me. Life that I need my mom for. Need her guidance. Her wisdom. Advice. Opinions.

There are so many things I wish I could have asked her before this happened, such as, should I wear a veil with my wedding dress? How do you hem a pair of men’s dress pants? How do you work through tough issues in a marriage? What is the proper wine bottle to number-of-party-guests ratio? What are the best memories of her early years of marriage and what does she wish she could have done differently/sooner?

Things that, I fear, she may never be able to fully answer.

And that gave me such deep sorrow. Thinking about all of her incredible wisdom that I could be missing out on if she doesn’t get “better.”


My mom is such a beautiful source of Godly wisdom on how to be a joyful and selfless wife/mother/friend/teacher/encourager/neighbor/person….why didn’t I interrogate her and tape record her answers when I had the chance and she was able to fully express herself?

But what really got to me was thinking about my future wedding someday. And how scared I am that she won’t be able to fully be present. Looking into her eyes in the bridal room before I walk down the aisle and not having the mother I’ve always known whisper the words I need hear in that moment…it kills me.

Crying in the darkness, letting my mind go to these heart wrenching places, I was about ready to just shut my laptop and close my eyes, and succumb to the images in my head. And in that moment, my heart surged with stillness, and I was filled with this overwhelming thought of “Do you trust me?”

I’m not saying I heard the voice of God, but sometimes, a phrase will just pop in my mind out of nowhere, and I am hard pressed to believe that those messages aren’t inspired by the Father.

Do you trust me?

Well, God, if you’re asking and I’m being candid…yes, but right now, I’m having a pretty hard time doing so.


Fear is a pretty strong emotion. It’s the trump card. When fear is present, all bets are off. And I’m going to be honest…if I let my guard down, I become pretty fearful.

Do you trust me?

Yes, Lord, I do.

My mom will get better. I am claiming that. Demanding it of God. But if she doesn’t and this is as far as her recovery is going to go, I know that it will be okay.

God will make it be okay.

God will make it be okay.

God will make me believe it will be okay.

God will make me believe that I will be okay.

Maybe there is something that I’m supposed to be learning in all of this. Maybe there is a greater plan at work, and all this was supposed to get my life or my mom’s life on a different path or trajectory than it had been on. Who knows.

But I do know, that right now, in this very moment, I am being asked to trust Him.

He has never forsaken me. Ever. Nor will He now.

Yes, Lord. I trust You.


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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

421 thoughts on “Do You Trust Me? ”

  1. Thank you for sharing your heart sis! I have heard those four words many times from the Lord myself. Praying that your mom fully recovers and that through it all, He would have drawn you even closer to Him through this! Be blessed.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow I missed the initial post about the stroke so I didn’t realize the full extent of her condition. I am believing and trusting in God for healing on your mother’s behalf!!

    By the way, one. One bottle per guest. And definitely wear a veil 🙂

    Sending love, peace, and HEALING your way.

    Liked by 1 person

    2. Thanks so much for your kind words and support. It really means a lot. Yeah a bit of a difficult season currently. Yes God loves to heal. And thank you:) one bottle. Good to know!! Hugs and love xox

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  5. Technical notes from your on-line therapist connection: spontaneous return of function after a stroke can take several weeks to months. This mostly occurs as swelling diminished inside the skull. Do not expect to know the extent of potential perminent damage for 6 months. Notice that I said “potential”. Recovery continues for several years. Be aware of your hopes and fears, but be patient. I have worked with clients whose strokes were 5+ years ago. Some had rehab. Others none for various reasons. Some change, others do not. But, hope is a better motivator than capitulation. The key to discovering what someone can do is to provide daily opportunties for stimulation. Basic self care tasks, homemaking tasks, listening & singing along with music, looking over photo albums… If your mother does not repsond to these now, try them again in a week or so. Hope keeps us trying. Despair prevents us from discovering changes that have occured when we did not notice them.
    Oscar

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Wow, a lot of really great responses here ^. I don’t know if I can add to that except to say that I can relate. My dad had a heart attack and stroke at once. The doctors said he should have died. I was a wreck. But My dad stayed in the Word and He [the Word – Jesus] completely healed him over time. I can’t tell he had anything wrong. John 10:10 talks about how anything that brings life is from God, and anything that doesn’t is the work of the devil. They don’t ever trade places and God is worthy of your trust. I ought to know… and I am learning it. Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much:) I really appreciate your prayers and encouragement. And oh gosh, I guess I didn’t make it quite clear…I am totally single! Haha I was talking about my wedding *one day*. I am absolutely looking for the right man who’s husband material! 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  9. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum’s stroke. And I admire very much your faithful trust in God through this very difficult time. May He bless you and your family, now and always. I don’t comment on blogs much (I’m quite shy), but I want to let you know that I’ve really valued reading your blog every since you first liked one of my blog posts ages ago (thanks for following my blog and liking my posts!), and so I was fortunate to find your blog 🙂 – thank you for some really inspiring and thought-provoking posts! With prayers for you and your family.

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  10. Beautiful words – great job –
    Trust – it’s the bridge from chaos to peace – from trying in my own strength to resting in God – in situations like yours – and mine – (my dad is dying) – we need something more that a saying that fits on a coffee cup, a t- shirt or a Facebook post –
    Thanks for sharing –

    Liked by 1 person

  11. My Grandfather had a stroke in my teens. He did not live to see me graduated. Can’t pretend to know what your are feeling. Outside of your blog we never met. But you are not alone in your greif. Find support in those closest to you. Been reading your work for sometime keep it up.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Amen. The Lord definitely speaks to us and sometimes we feel we hear him wrong. Like today I asked him a question, and his response was that the deliverance of someone would come if I continued to have faith. It’s hard to believe because we don’t see it happening in the natural. In the supernatural, it’s already there. #WalkByFaith #NotSight I pray you will continue trusting Him

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  17. Hello Carolyn (apologies if I’m spelling your name incorrectly).

    It’s been a while since I checked in on your blog and this was the first post I read. I am sorry to read of your mother’s stroke and of everything your family has been going through.

    Sounds to me like you had a bit of a “Job moment”, when your demand on God received a counter-demand of God’s own. Certainly wasn’t what Job was expecting; certainly not what any of us expect when we are suffering and just want things to be made better. Trust makes terrible demands of us: that we be vulnerable, that we live with the knowledge of what might be despite our hopes and prayers, that we walk not in the light of certainty and knowledge but of hope. I am reminded of a passage from the ancient Greek playwright Aeschylus:

    “He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart; and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.”

    The awful grace of God. In modernity, we understand the word awful as a pejorative; but we have forgotten that it’s original meaning meant, “awe-inspiring”, or “worthy of reverence”. This is what the phrase “fear of God” (also much misunderstood) originally meant: acknowledgement that God is God, not our cool best friend, or funky favourite relative, or benevolent grandparent. God walks with us: and that is terrifying, and profoundly comforting – because it both makes demands of us, and offers us hope.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you walk this journey with God at your side.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this incredibly thoughtful response. I really appreciate your prayers and support. I think I’ll reread Job today. There’s always so much comfort to be found in His word. What a powerful quote. Thanks again for your kind words. Big hugs to you xox

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      1. I would certainly recommend you read Job as it is my absolute favourite biblical text! 🙂 But note: it is a challenging and difficult (and potentially upsetting) text, because it rejects the notions of conventional wisdom (located in texts such as Proverbs) that if you just pray hard enough or live a good enough life or are sufficiently devout, God will ensure you don’t suffer and come to harm; or, that if you do get into strife, God will rescue you from your troubles. Job is radical and subversive precisely because it argues that the point of life and faith and the cosmos itself is not “justice” as we conceive it (usually us getting our own way) but relational co-existence with God and with each other – and God is a troubling and complex and difficult travelling companion and dialogue partner!

        Walter Brueggemann’s “A Troubling God: The Heart of the Hebrew Bible” and Douglas John Hall’s “The Cross In Our Context: Jesus in a Suffering World” are recommended reading. Rabbi Harold S. Kushner’s “When Bad Things Happen To Good People” is also a classic treatment of the subject, and also highly recommended.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Except that the point Job makes is that God isn’t our rescuer but our companion – and the point of faith is not to be “saved” from suffering, but to live within the difficult, demanding place of trust in God that faith calls us into, even in the midst of life’s absurdities and heartaches.

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      5. It is powerful, but it is also very demanding. It requires us to hold a theology of God that does not see the life of faith as a contractual quid pro quo in which, in return for piety and morality, we get protection and security. God’s first words to Job are: “Who is this who darkens counsel by words without knowledge?”; and Job’s response to God showing him the universe is to place his hand over his mouth and say: “My lips have spoken of things of which I had no knowledge”. In other words, God doesn’t answer Job’s demand for vindication and “justice”; rather, God makes Job understand the paucity of his theological thinking – one that has reduced God to the status of being nothing more than a party to a contract, and not a partner in covenant. But covenant and contract are not the same. Contract involves rights and obligations; covenant involves relationship and mutual dialogue. Contract is plain and simple (which is why many people prefer to think of faith in those terms) but covenant is – like all relationships – messy and demanding. This is why I think you have experienced a “Job moment” – because it seems to me that God is responding to your demand that your mother get well with a counter-demand that you widen your theological framework and think of God, not as “rescuer” or “supplier of our demands”, but as “companion” and “source of hope”. Which is difficult and painful and complicated – but, I think, very important. For as C S Lewis said:

        “I don’t think God wants us to be happy. It’s not that God wants us to be unhappy; it’s just that our happiness is not the point. Rather, I think that what God wants is that we should grow up: leave the nursery of our being, enter into the world of others, to love and be loved. And in order to do that, we must sometimes suffer.”

        Blessings to you and your family as you continue this difficult journey of hope.

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  19. Hang in there, Caralyn, my dear friend. I can’t even say trust because I know sometimes it’s just hard. At times, we can’t pretend that we don’t doubt. So, just keep hanging on. Acknowledge the doubts and fear but keep going anyway. God does know what’s best. Your mom, your family and you are in my prayers. Much love to you. Hugs xxx

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      1. Dear Carolyn after eating your blog posts today I realize that your heart is genuine. It is always a beautiful thing to show compassion to others. It is wonderful to know that you were learning so much things. Believe it or not you and I are on the same boat because I left the busyness of the college life style with distractions all around me and then leaving that to come home and spend some time with the Lord. You are a wonderful soul. And I pray that you smile each and every day and the reason why is because that’s why I couldn’t give your mother the courage to keep up the good work in general it’s not so bad being home my advice to you is enjoy it take notice of the little things in the big impact they leave all your life. Next time you’re in town do you want to mail me some donuts from Jubilee? I love Jubilee Donuts…

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      2. Thanks so much. Your prayers are so appreciated:) I will definitely keep you in my prayers that your time at home is fruitful. Yes. Taking notice of the little things 🙂 Never had jubilee donuts! But I’ll see if I can find them 🙂

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  21. In the Book of 1Tim 2:1 “I exhort therefore, that, first of all, supplications, prayers, intercessions, [and] giving of thanks, be made for all men;” is where we have three of the four types of prayers. Prayer simply means: ‘talking to God’. The 4th type of prayer is in Mark 11:24 “Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive [them], and ye shall have [them].” The word ‘desire’ in the Greek is: aiteo (ai-teh’-o) ‘to ask, demand’. Dear Sis. you aiteo when demanded that of God. He honours such prayers! Four is the number of creation. With aiteo we create favourable situations. Amen!

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    1. How interesting! thank you so much for sharing that! so fascinating. Four is also my favorite number — it was my soccer number 🙂 but wow, yes – how incredible to know that we can make “forceful” requess of God – I guess it shows our faith. haha hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  24. I just checked back in after a couple of months. So sorry to hear about your mum’s stroke. I will be praying for you and for her recovery. I can understand how frightening it must be to imagine life without her input, love and care. God knows your need and I pray He will strengthen you and help you beyond your imagination at this time. Thanks for your beautiful openness – it is so easy to connect with your writing because it comes from the heart. You are going to be ok xoxo

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      1. I love bringing things to God in prayer – I know He hears. He will carry you and He cares about the smallest of details as well as all the big stuff. “Underneath are the Everlasting Arms”. He is your strength xoxo

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  25. Thank you for sharing this. I have been there sister, when that sorrow overtakes, when you can hardly breath. When you hardly want to breath for the pain of it. God’s got you. God’s got this. Praying for your mothers full recovery! Praying for his peace to dwell richly within the hearts of you and your family during this trying time.

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  26. I Seen that you read my post about a Parents Biggest Fear being the world. This lead me to your post. I’m sorry to hear about your loss. I have lost a few people of my own in the last few years that were very important to me. I feel I am loosing one now, myself included.
    I feel my time is being cut short and the life of my other half. I’m not sure who will go first but just know I will be destroyed if it’s him. I Just wanted to reach out to you and thank you for your courage and faith in the unknown. God Bless

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  27. Yes, faith in God is such a wonderful thing, and loving his son Jesus makes this all possible. Your loved ones will always be with you at your wedding, faith in Jesus will ensure this. God bless.

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  28. I am praying for you. I can’t tell you how many times in the past 2 years that God has asked me the very same question in the very same way. You are on the right path and God is strengthening your faith. He is wothy of your trust. He NEVER FAILS to keep His Word. Have courage and believe. Love in Christ.

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  29. Know that God loves both you…and your precious mom…with an everlasting and unfailing love and will always work for your good. Praying for your mama’s recovery and for wisdom and peace for you!

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  30. Sometimes when we need to learn to trust Him and give our fear to Him, He gives us something to be afraid of. We have to be able to recognize it. And I wonder how many people miss a message from God because they think its crazy for Him to speak to us, or they think it’s a form of arrogance. If you ask God he will give you a message. I am on a journey to learn who I am as a man in Christ. In order to do that I had to be out of any romantic relationship, which is a huge challenge for me ;( . When I meditate on women and when I might be ready “six months” pops in my head, for six months now, “six months” has been popping in my head. I fee like the number should be counting down but then I remember to trust God and that things are on his schedule. I know I can’t trust myself when it comes to women, so I trust God and continue to grow. Bless you for sharing your struggles and fears. You always inspire me to work harder on myself.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing part of your journey. That’s such a powerful thought – it’s like He allows the fear or the pain so that we turn to Him and fully depend on Him. I definitely feel you on the relationship front. I often put a lot of pressure on myself, thinking that I *should* be here on a timeline, or I *should* be at this place in my life, but I just have to take a breath and remember that God has me right where He wants me. Thanks for stopping by. Will definitely be keeping you in my prayers! big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  31. Trust in God. Sometimes those words are easier said than done. I’d like to say when you become an old fart like me it gets easier but I’d be lying. I know that he will always have our backs, it’s just a matter of us…trusting him. I’ve been struggling lately too so I know how you feel in a different way. I still keep your mother and all of your family in my prayers daily and I know in time, His will will be done for you all. The best advice that I can give you is Love her where she’s at, in that moment. I have too many regrets since losing my father and wish that I could’ve done the same thing. Just lover her and, trust in God lol. Like I always tell ya, “he’s got your back.” 🙂

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    1. Thanks John. I love that – He’s got our backs. Amen to that! You’re so right though, trusting in Him is much easier said than done. Like a lot of things in life haha. Thank you so much for your continued prayers and encouragement. it seriously means so much. THat’s great advice. Living in the moment for sure. You are a blessing to me. Know that you are in mine as well 🙂 hugs x

      Liked by 1 person

  32. I hope your Mom gets better. I know you pressed ‘like’ on my blog. That post goes against everything you believe in. I do hope your mom gets better.

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  33. Hi there, thanks for the likes first off. My best wishes be with you. your blog moved me so much. Coming from a religious background i understand the need for faith. Keep strong and feel free to visit my blog any time to share a tale or two. Freckles x

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  34. I’ve only read a few of your posts so far, (and I’m excited to read more) but I just wanted to say thank you for your brutal honesty. Thank you for being willing to be vulnerable and share (often with strangers) the things that you have suffered, are suffering, and may suffer. I just wanted to send prayers for you and your family and wish you all the best. Keep believing. Keep fighting. Keep holding on. God’s got your back 🙂 Take care and have a blessed day!!

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    1. Hi Julie, oh gosh thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. It seriously means the world. Amen to that – God really does have my back. I believe that with all my heart. So glad you stopped by! Big hugs xox

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  38. I have a mom whose health deteriorated without any sign also. i found it hard to accept, but gradually with hope…we are seeing her improve and helping her recover…i’m glad i found your blog or rather you found me…God bless you real good and may He do a fantastic rehabilitation on you mom!!!

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  39. I absolutely love it! Sending all my prayers and wishes toward you and your family. Stay positive, God got you no matter what.

    We all unravel at times and break down but just remember to never unpack there. Have your moments but always come out of it with a smile. Faith guides us and gives us hope in the things we cannot see.
    Keep pushing, no stress. Go will never put more on you than you can bear.😊smile🙏🏽

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  40. Hi BBB,

    Thank you for your honesty. God loves those prayers. Crazy what conditions He allows that crumples our flesh but frees our spirits. I pray you get some peace and direction though all of this. Keep turning these into gems.

    Thanks,

    Gary On Thu, Feb 2, 2017 at 3:59 PM BeautyBeyondBones wrote:

    > beautybeyondbones posted: “Oh how my days are different these days. I’ve > always been a bit of a night owl, but nowadays, the nighttime is my own > personal retreat. When the whole house is asleep, alarm on, and my darkened > room is lit with the glow of my overworked MacBook, I can f” >

    Like

      1. Your life story is an inspiration. I am going to be directing some of my teen students to your blog next quarter. They want to dive their voice, too.

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  41. Yes, I know the phrase that pops into your head, you hear it, yet can not describe it as a voice. I have heard the Holy Spirit many times of the last several years. I am so sorry for the loss you are experiencing, and yes, it is grief. One day at a time and try and look for something positive each day. God is good and His will is perfect. Blessings.

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  46. Thank you. Thanks for being able to share this. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. But. I’m assured of this: God will come through for you! Hold On!

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  47. Aww man, this made me cry. And realize how often I take my mother for granted, and her opinions, her love even. Wow. I’m really going to be praying for you and your family. I know God has a plan, but I also know how hard it can be to fully trust it, when you don’t have much (physical) reason to believe it. Keep your head up Carolyn, you’re a fighter…and you had to get that from somewhere right:)

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    1. Aw thank you so much 🙂 I can’t begin to express how much I appreciate your prayers for my mom. You’re right, God does have a plan, and I trust that. I just need to be patient. Thanks for this beautiful encouragement and for reading all my blogs last night!! You’re a blessing to me 🙂 Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Of course! There’s something about your wiring that makes everything abs everyone so relatable, tangible, and empathetic toward others! Don’t feel obligated to reply to every single one of my comments though. Lol

        We all know your hands are full, taking care of your family 🙂

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  48. Hello from London… I have no desire to be clever in my response to your moving blog. I sensed in my heart these words to a song. ”BE STILL FOR THE PRESENCE OF THE LORD – THE HOLY ONE IS HERE-COME BOW BEFORE HIM NOW-WITH REVERENCE AND FEAR- BE STILL FOR THE POWER OF THE LORD- IS MOVING IN THIS PLACE-HE COMES TO CLEANSE AND TO HEAL- TO MINISTER HIS GRACE- NO WORK TO HARD FOR HIM- IN FAITH RECEIVE FROM HIM- BE STILL FOR THE POWER OF THE LORD IS MOVING IN THIS PLACE…. He is your peace- and he’s broken down every wall- he is your peace- he is your peace- cast all your cares on him- cos he cares for you- he is your-peace – he is your peace!! ” Father, in the name of Jesus, we confess your word concerning healing- As we do this, we believe and say that your word will not return to you void, but will accomplish what it says it will. Therfore, we believe in the name of Jesus Christ that this lady ( mother) is healed according to 1 Peter- 2-24. It is written in your word that Jesus himself- took his infirmities and bore his sicknesses. Matthew 8-17- Therefore with great boldness and confidence we say on the authority of that written word- that the mother- is redeemed from the curse of sickness- and will NOT receive the symptoms.”Satan, we speak to you in the name of Jesus and say that your principalities, powers, your master spirits who rule the present darkness and your spiritual wickedness- in heavenly places are bound from operating against this mother in any way. She is loosed from your asssignment- she belongs to Jesus. She dwells in the secret place of the most high…. Father we reverence you and worship you. We are assured of your word father- and we pray for complete healing in Jesus name….. AMEN….. I want to just say as a brother in Jesus- Prayer is NOT a religious form without power. It is effective and accurate and God hears you! God watches over his word to perform it. Prayer is the ”living” word within your mouth…. My heart goes out to you all- and even though we are all far apart- God hears each and every one of us… You don’t have to be told to put your trust in him- you already have….. May the angels surround you and protect you always. The Lord bless you sincerely…… Bobby

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  49. Hope your mom heals.but spend all the time you need with her.when she’s gone she’s gone.remember – theres no meeting or shopping item thats more important, be with her. And mourn, i mourned while my mom was alive and now i cry daily for her loss 💔 allow yourself to

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  50. Two things I love about this one:

    1. Light- light is the only thing that dispels darkness
    2. Vulnerability- I can feel all the emotions you are experiencing now.

    Praying for you, your mom and your family…..

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