Late Bloomer

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Well, Lord, I’ve gotta hand it to You: Well played, Sir. Well played.

Sitting here in the Adoration Chapel with my mom, wracking my brain about how The F am I supposed to write a Valentine’s Day post as a hopelessly single gal, who has left all prospects of love back in NYC when I temporarily moved back to Ohio to help my mom recover from her stroke six weeks ago, and what do You do?

Enter: a tall, handsome, young man (sans wedding ring) into the chapel.

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Good grief, Lord, You could have warned me! Why was today the one day I decided to slum it and wear sweat pants and an oversized sweater to the chapel?! I haven’t seen anyone ever under the age of 65 in here! But on the one day I’m a hot mess…Sheesh.

Well played, Lord. Well played.          

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I’m going to be honest: being back home and helping my mom….dating has been the last thing on my mind. That is, until my mother, (in her temporarily unfiltered state) unabashedly probes as to why I’m still single (and why I haven’t gotten a haircut or if I’ve considered botox)…haha

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Being home here, and truly serving my parents during this difficult season, pouring everything I have – emotionally, physically, and from my inner-most heart — I realize just how much I love loving. I really do have so much love to give. Love that I cannot wait to share and shower on my future husband, whoever he may be.

But I think if I’m being really honest, that thought and that notion is guarded in so much fear. Fear that I will have to expose my heart and my brokenness, and that I will be a disappointment. That I will be rejected at my most vulnerable, innermost level.

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But there is just so much fear there.

And I wonder, what if I’m incapable of loving someone? I say I’ve got high standards, but jeez, boy’s gotta be Brad Pitt-adjacent for me to be interested. I mean I’m always finding something that is a deal breaker.

I tell myself that I just haven’t met him yet. God hasn’t brought him into my life yet, but I mean, my clock is ticking and I don’t care how Fort Knox my nighttime facial cream routine is, those smile lines are gonna start popping up any day now, and believe me, that will be the day…

But I know I have a lot of love to give. And I love loving another person. Perhaps right now just isn’t my season for romance.

Perhaps this is my season to serve. To help. To love. To foster my mother’s spirit and help her to bloom and regain her life and her memory. Because honestly, that is where I’m feeling so strongly pulled. I have never felt like my life has more purpose than it does right now. I have never felt like my life has more value and worth than it does right now.

It’s funny, I’ve spent my whole life battling the lies in my head that told me I didn’t have worth, and now there’s not a doubt in my mind – all it took was a stroke.

            “Above all, trust in the slow work of God.” 

I just looked over to a book my mom is reading and that is the sentence I read.

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Through my time with her here, one of the most incredible things is watching her bloom after this devastating event. So too, I think, with me. I was a “late bloomer,” which is really just the nice way of explaining why you’re sixteen and still flat as a 2×4. But I digress.

            Trust the slow work of God. 

I think my life has been one big, gradual, slow as molasses, blooming process. Through my anorexia, I slowly learned to love myself and love God. Now, through this caregiving season, I’m learning how to love another person. And this final stage is going to be to learn to let another person love me. Because it is in letting someone in and becoming vulnerable and sharing my past – my hurts – my fears – failures – how I’ve hurt people and what I still struggle with – that Caralyn…the real Caralyn…is the girl who needs to learn how to be loved.

But above all, I have to believe that I deserve to be loved. Because honestly, that’s the kicker.

And I know, writing that out – and yes, I’ve handwritten all 1000 words with a pen – I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I still think that vulnerable part of my heart still needs work. The part that believes I deserve to be loved.

Trust the slow work of God.

Slow work.

I don’t know how much slower it can get. But I do pray it not be too much longer, or all the “good ones” will be taken!

I think I need to give myself permission and grace to be slow. To bloom at my own pace. Let God work His timing. That’s what I’ve been encouraging my mom with – to not rush the blooming process. It sounds like I need to heed my own advice.

God is at work in my heart. Slowly. Methodically. Deliberately. I cannot see the grand plan. The end game. Only right here. Right now. Right at this handsome man God brought into the chapel tonight to remind me that He hasn’t forgotten me.

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353 thoughts on “Late Bloomer”

  1. I find that smile lines, crows feet, and gray hair are the most beautiful parts of aging because they show joy, passion, knowledge, and above all, peace.

    Liked by 4 people

    3. Hmm, princess of our Almighty Father. Now here, thanks to your post, I think I understand something that has been nudging. God’s is the slow traditional cooker… With the clay pot, not the pressure cooker or the microwave. 12 years ago, I was so impatient, scared and already an emotional mess anyway. I dived into a marriage without inviting or even hearing from God. Am still healing and nurturing my scars. Now, am reading books like: When God makes you wait; What to be doing until the man God sends finds you; Dear Lord where is my Boaz… I also struggled with Love trio fears: The fear of loving; the fear of being loved; the fear of not truly deserving love anyways! All to thee my blessed saviour… In your time for your princess and I. I saw a mantle in a house which read: Dear Lord Grant me Patience But Please Hurry…

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Hi Marie! The original slow cooker! I LOVE that! it’s so true, God’s timing, though often slower than we’d prefer, is always the best. We can trust that goodness. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for the scars that came about because of that marriage. I pray for the total and complete healing for you 🙂 thank you for the beautiful encouragement. grateful for you xox

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  2. Thanks so much for your vulnerability and realness. God’s style is slow cooker, and I too struggle with wanting the microwave approach. But every once in awhile, I remember how much better the crock pot stew is! mmmmmm.

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  4. I don’t know if this will help but, when I was in my late 20’s, very late, late 20’s, I just gave up on finding anyone. Anyone that would love me, love my child, that I could love. I felt like who could love me anyway, the mess that I am. I quit searching and said Lord, if you want me to have a “one” You will have to bring him because I’m exhausted. Within a year, here he came. We have been together 18 years now. God will bring you, your other half, right when you least expect it.

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      1. I got corrected *blushing* it will be 19 years in April. No thanks necessary on the encouraging. You are beautiful, inside and out. You’re obviously giving, caring, thoughtful, and kind, just to name a few. He’s got your other half out there somewhere. It doesn’t mean you’re the hold up, it might be that your other half isn’t where God wants him to be yet 😉

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  8. I’m a late bloomer too! You definitely seem like a very loving person 🙂 I feel you on being afraid to be vulnerable and getting rejected because the other person doesn’t like what you show them. It’s made me a little bitter and, frankly, I wonder the same thing as you. Am I capable of loving someone like that? Going to cut off here because this is about you 😛

    Never be afraid to go at your own pace. 🙂

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    1. Thanks for this 🙂 yay for law bloomers! Haha But you’re right, it can be easy to feel down about that, but I believe we both have great things ahead of us:) hope you have an awesome weekend. Who knows we both just may bump into interesting gentlemen 🙂 hehe hugs xox

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      1. I suppose it would be a little sketchy pulling out your moves in a chapel. It would be like Will Ferrell’s character in The Wedding Crashers.
        Thanks for the good wishes. I’m at the hospital waiting for my daughter to deliver her baby. Hoping it all goes well.

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  10. where do you find all these snappy gifs :). I hope you find what you are looking for. You seem like a kind hearted person , who is confident and knows your mind. And you are also beautiful and young. I would say the odds are heavily in your favor. I am certain something waits around the corner for you.

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  14. Very nice post. Your words align with some of the thoughts I’ve had lately. A man of God I admire once said that while we learn the prayer, “Thy will be done,” it would be of benefit to also learn, “Thy time be done.” I recognize the immense leap we need to make when we learn to surrender our will to the will of God. Part of that acceptance seems to be the acceptance of God’s will in God’s time. That is a kernel of spiritual wisdom you express so well. Thank you for your inspired insights and words.

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  15. On another note, secondary to your epiphany, I have a little call you out thought. Looks are nice but subjective. Age is just a number. You want a partner that finds you beautiful even when you’re a hot mess. What does he “see”? What does the bible say about a beautiful and desirable woman? Remember, what is essential is invisible to the eye.

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      1. Yes you do. It helps if you remember I’m always right.
        Also, that’s from The Little Prince. Can’t take credit for it.

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  16. God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    Living one day at a time;
    enjoying one moment at a time;
    accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
    taking, as He did, this sinful world
    as it is, not as I would have it;
    trusting that He will make all things right
    if I surrender to His Will;
    that I may be reasonably happy in this life
    and supremely happy with Him
    forever in the next.
    Amen.

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    1. Thanks so much Tom. I so love this. You know what’s funny? The night I wrote this in the chapel, I actually looked up the extended version of the serenity and wrote this out in my mom’s journal for her and I to pray when we went in. So i read these exact words right before I wrote this post. that is so crazy. There is so much comfort to be found in these words. Thanks for sharing. Big hugs to you xox

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      1. The tender heart of Papa God is watching after you and your mom. He makes His ways especially sweet to us when we are hurting. He is right beside you and won’t leave your side, Mega peace, and grace to you Caralyn.

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  18. Caralyn, I remember when you first posted about your mom’s stroke, not the details, but…enough that my prayers and thoughts were speedily and sincerely sent, and I thought: “huh, she was recently writing about being in NYC where the action is but also kind of wanting to be home, and look: the Lord made the decision easy for her (you being the loving daughter you are), at least for the time being.” Not only that, but the situation as I imagined it reminded me so much of that of a friend of mine. He had a great job a few states away from his family. He had friends and most good things, but also a recent heartbreak. His dad got very sick so he went home. He ended up getting a job there so that he could help his mom care for his dad. Right at the beginning of his new job, he (in a big dose of serendipity, but not to write chapters here!) met the love of his life. They’re married now, live near both their families, and are so happy. He was just a good dutiful son, loving and deserving of love. The Lord directed his steps. He’ll direct yours, wherever you go. Patience is a virtue (as my mom always said!), keep the faith! ~ Peri

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    1. Hi Peri, oh thank you so much 🙂 You’re right- it’s funny how the Lord leads us to where we need to be. You’re right, I kind of got my answer 🙂 Oh gosh, what a powerful story. Wouldn’t that be wild if I met “Mr. Right?” That gives me so much hope! Thanks for sharing that! And you know, it’s funny, because my mom’s mom had a stroke when she was in college and she moved home to help her, and she ended up meeting my dad that summer, and well, the rest is history 🙂 so it can happen! I will trust God and His mysterious ways! Thanks for stopping by! hugs xo

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  20. You and your testimony are amazing are beautiful. Ps if I were 90 years younger I would have sat next to you in chapel! You were trying out a new sexy look for church! Thank you for sharing your walk of faith. You are an inspiration to me!

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  21. Ahhh. Here’s what I know. It’s far more important to be able to receive love than to give it. That is so counter intuitive, but I think it’s really an important key to relationships. Think grace, unmerited favor. In a more earthly way, can you receive a man’s grace, his unmerited favor? That’s actually not an easy mindset to have, it requires a great deal of humility, vulnerability, courage. To give love is the easy part, (well, “easy” may be the wrong word, and much of the world doesn’t even try,) but easy in the sense that it puts you in control. So, receiving grace, unmerited favor, puts you in a state of gratitude and vulnerability, and gratitude reflected back to a guy is love. That’s not scary, it’s beautiful. But the idea of “giving love” tends to stir up fears of potential rejection, because now you’re trying earn his favor, be worthy of his love,and we all feel inadequate there. It’s the same concept in faith, receiving Christ’s unmerited favor, rather than trying to earn it with our love, because it just can’t be earned.

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  22. We cannot forget that He created us perfectly. We often believe the things that are not true. It is why He needs our hearts…so He can show us more of His! Keep praying, keep seeking His face, He is with you!

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  24. I so appreciate your rawness and simplicity. It’s a beautiful thing…a beauty that originates deep in the soul. As one who struggles with anxiety and depression, I find your words strengthening and life giving. Courage on. Blessings to you…

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  25. Thank you for your honest and beautiful writing. A girl like me can definitely relate! I just read the book “Get Lost” by Dannah Gresh that my friend recommended to me and it really changed my perspective on dating and romance.

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  26. I love your honesty. Yes, God seems slow and grace moves slowly, mainly, I think, because as humans it takes time for us to learn. Just like in school. You can’t imagine how many times I have thought that I should have learned that lesson from God a long time ago. I became a Christian at 19, and now I am 66 and I am still learning. I’ve have learned some huge things just this last 2 years!

    My mom has been living with us the last year. I have noticed God teaching her better attitudes and important truths. She is 89! And she is still learning! Honestly, it is amazing to me and it makes me smile how God never stops wanting us to grow more like him.

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  29. Wow, I needed this. If you were in California I’d say we get some coffee because it’s the days when you least expect it that change your life. Happy God was revealed to you, even if it was through a handsome man while you sat at church in your sweatpants. Vulnerability has been the hardest thing for me.I used to be worried that no one would ever love me again. Also, you love God, so incapable? No. But I encourage further reflection on all you’ve put down here. And I will meditate on, “Trust the slow work of God.” Emxoxo

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    1. Hi Em 🙂 Oh thanks so much! Aw, how fun would that be if we got coffee! 🙂 haha, yeah, I was definitely a sight for sore eyes 🙂 hehe Thanks so much for your beautiful encouragement! I appreciate it! big hugs xox

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  30. Maybe, God put you in adoration looking the way you did as he sent in ‘the man’ to show you, “you are worthy of love, you deserved to be loved and you will be loved just for you, the REAL you, the ‘stripped bare’ you .. 🙂 XO

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  31. This is spot on about the slow process and all the good ones eventually being taken…I’m in the same single season and what keeps me going is that God sees and He knows exactly where we are in our lives…that’s reassuring…He hasn’t forgotten us. Great post 👍🏾

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    1. Thank you so much 🙂 That’s so kind of you to say. Yeah it can be a tough season of singleness — especially around Valentines day. But you’re right, He knows the plan and we can rest assured that it is a good one! hugs xox

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  35. The love comes through in the writing, Caralyn. Like a red ocean wave. Absolutely beautiful, as always.

    We all deserve to be loved, but especially you Caralyn. Because you’re truly a wonderful person; an adorably (super-)cute girl with a great heart. The total package.

    I hope this makes you feel better and best wishes to your family, hugs. ❤

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  38. You have so much power in what you write. The things you write, are absolutely RIGHT! God does take his time. The problem many times is that we here on earth do not. Or at least, many times, we don’t want to. Look how much rushing is a part of life today. We rush from dawn to dusk, through day’s ways and means. Consumerism rushes us from season to season with no time having its own special time anymore. People more and more are encouraged to rush rush rush to get weight off by taking pills, formulas, or other diets that may no be what their body really needs. Dating sites want people to rush rush rush into meeting the perfect mate right now and you’ll sail off in the sunset. One thing that doesn’t rush is your beauty in this world. It lingers and exists at a perfect pace. The beauty of how you look, yes, but also the beauty of who you are and what you do. How many “rushed” loves really make it? God will find that part of love for you. I know He will. The beauty you project day by day will shine out each day and God will bring you the right love along the way, xoxoxoxo

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    1. oh my gosh, I am so incredibly touched by your words, MiguelTio. Thank you 🙂 There is power in what YOU write!! 🙂 That’s so true – we are a rushing culture for sure. And wow, what a kind thing to say. My goodness. I think you’re right – God is going to bring that right love along some day. I just need to be patient. Easier said than done. thanks again for this wonderful encouragement. I’m so grateful to have you as a friend 🙂 hugs xox

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  39. Looks like the fingers in the hand of God at work, eh? Mr. Hello may be just the someone you need to help prepare your mind and heart for whatever comes next. We’ll never know what threads the Lord is weaving when our paths cross with another. We may not understand the patterns our lives make when we intersect with all of God’s “other fingers”. But we can rest assured that when we’re in His hands…the most unique miracles happen. 🙂

    Isn’t it interesting how it took a Christmas Vacation, a mother’s special need for your love, time away from the noise, and an increased hunger for Him…to get you to this point? It’s as if He was just positioning you for where He needed you…for where you needed to be…and to be where you are needed, too.

    I just know that behind every Cloud of Uncertainty, past every Storm of Struggle, and after the Rains of Strains and Tears, the Son-light is ever-ready to peek through, waiting…just waiting to warm you and light your way once again. You just need to stand ready, anchored, patiently waiting…for the Son-light to appear.

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    1. Thank you so much for this encouragement. it is so beautiful and touching. You’re so right — when we’re in His hands, we’re in a good place. And yes – that’s when the most unique miracles happen! That’s so true though – it is amazing the timing of all this. He definitely put me where I need to be. At least in this season. Thanks again for your kindness. Hugs to you xox

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  42. You are worth loving. Jesus proved that already. Do you let Him love you, or are you hiding your dark places from Him as well?

    (I don’t know you, but I felt like I should ask this. If the words don’t connect with you, please let them roll off your back like water droplets on duck feathers. I mean you no harm.)

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    1. Hi there! Oh, thank you so much for this wonderful encouragement. Yes, He did prove that on the Cross. You know, I do think I’ve given all my dark places over to Jesus. it’s just in letting a potential love interest into those places that scares me! haha water droplets on duck feathers…I’ve never heard that saying before, but i just might have to adopt it! hehe hugs xo

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      1. That makes sense. I struggled with similar issues, but one day, things just started to click. ‘If I think I’m worthless, I directly insult my Creator. Either He is good, loving, and skilled, or I am just as bad as I think I am.’ That kind of thing. It’s been a journey.

        Also, remember that trust is earned, so you don’t have to show all of your dark places at once. It could help if you pick a few that are less charged than the rest and use them as testers, to see what kind of person you’re talking to. Exploring them all together and looking into his dark places might take a lifetime. It’s ok.

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  43. Dude – go back to Adoration! Meeting a guy in Adoration?? That’s like the coolest thing ever. This book called “Mary’s Way” – the woman in that book met her husband in Adoration. Can’t think of a better place than Church to meet a nice guy. My Dad told me that before I left for college lol. But seriously before you leave town, just stop by – at least once – just to give God a chance. Just in case. 😉 Oh, and I’ll be saying a rosary for your family.

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    1. Hahah I know that would have been amazing to really meet him! He left before I could “accidentally” bump into him:) hehe Sounds like a neat book! I’ll def have to check it out. Thanks for the recco. So true – my mom always said to meet a guy In church 🙂 that’s a great plan. Will do 🙂 and thank you so much for your prayers. It means the world. And they are working! My mom is getting better every day. It’s a slow process, but we’re very encouraged and hopeful. So thanks again. Hope you have a beautiful weekend! Enormous hugs to you xox 🙂

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  45. Dear Friend and future wife. Wait did I just type that? Sike!. You are a wonderful person. However I don’t know how many times I have to remind you of this. I will also let you know that I too am on the search for the one that God chooses. It sometimes is never easy, If it doesn’t work for me in my search or yours I’ll be the first one to send you roses via internet greeting cards. In a world of Facebook statuses, Instagram wedding proposals I feel the general world is too connected and yet so disconnected from the simple and small things of God. Be patient in well doing… You’re not a late bloomer please stop talking like you’re past beauty. Any girl that walks with God in righteousness and virtuosity is always beautiful in the eyes of the Lord. PS: I am kind of jealous of you right now because there you are in my church state and yet I’m eight hours away yet I yearn to in the church state every weekend.

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  46. This made me laugh so much, because I relate, hard-core. And the verse that God seems to always bring to my mind when I am just a little too discouraged is the beginning of Ecclesiastes 3:11; “God makes everything beautiful in His time.” I may not agree with His timing, but when I look back at what He has already done, and what He has already brought me through, there can be no doubt in my mind that His plan is best. And I’m sure that you can testify the same.

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  47. Dear Beauty,
    I am way older. Probably older than your father. I have been married for over 40 years to the one I love. So I speak from the vantage of age (which does not always mean wisdom).

    I have seen your pictures and I know from them that you are a physical beauty (you are a “looker” as some would say). I have read your words which express your soul and I know that you are a spiritual beauty. Your struggles with your eating disorder have made you wiser, more compassionate and have lead you to develop a spiritual beauty that you might not have otherwise had. I “see” you grow more spiritually as you care for your mother. You are becoming more beautiful every day. I pray that that is so for the rest of your life. True beauty does not wither with age, it grows more beautiful each year.

    Physical and spiritual beauty does not guarantee that “the right man” will ever come into your life. It certainly “hedges the bet” but does not guarantee the win.

    I hope that you find the right man, whether he be a handsome knight or a lowly troll. Either way, both of you will eventually develop “lines”, sagging areas, and in general lose some or a lot of the luster of youth as time goes by but love will make up for that, lust will not. My wife is more beautiful to me now than she was 40 years ago (you must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss, a sigh is still a sigh, as time goes by).

    Paul gives us this well known description of love in 1 Corinthians (13:4-8): Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away…

    There is no mention of youth or beauty because they have nothing to do with love.

    I encourage you to make your first love Jesus Christ. If an earthly lover comes along, well and good; but; if not, Christ will be with you always, until the end of the age.

    Keep writing.

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    1. Oh my gosh, Oogata, thank you so much for this incredibly beautiful response. I am so touched. Thank you. You’re so right – fall in love with Jesus first. And then keep in the center of the relationship. What a beautiful love story you have with your wife. That gives me such great hope. Thank you again for blessing me with your wonderfully kind words. It means the world. hugs to you x

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  48. So much sincerity, so much openness, so much commitment to caregiving, so much love to share, so much humility on display.

    God bless your heart. Your trust in Him will see you through. In due time the right man will find you. Indeed God has not forgotten and will never forget you. Thanks so much for sharing.

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    1. Thanks so much, Victor. I really appreciate that. I believe you’re right – God will never forget His children. He is a good Father that loves to give good gifts. I hope you have a beautiful weekend. Thanks again for the encouragement. hugs xox

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  50. Tell me why that first half (ONCE AGAIN) hit me hard! Love has been a complicated area for me too and it seems that the biggest obstacle is me. I love to love, but not getting love back the same way is always this constant fear. Sometimes I do not feel worthy or sometimes I just do not know how much to give. It’s complicated.

    My clock is ticking too. I am confident that whomever I give love to and whomever gives it back, I won’t have to guess around.

    I do have to keep in mind that if I trust God with all this. Even if the first person that I feel a connection with doesn’t work out, it won’t destroy me. We are human and nothing will ever be perfect. However, just like any other journey in our personal lives things do not always turn out like we want them to too. That’s okay. We live. We grow. We don’t give up.

    It’s going to happen for us Caralyn. It’s going to be marvelous.

    -JV

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    1. Haha thanks JV. You’re so right- is *is* going to be marvelous. I have total faith in that. Because God is at the command. So yeah it might take a bit longer but it will be worth it. They’re out there! 🙂 thanks for the thoughtful encouragement! Grateful for you:) Hugs and love xox

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