This Post is Raw

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I had been putting off writing this post for about a month and a half.

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week.

Feb 26-March 4

I had been dreading writing this post because, obviously BBB is an eating disorder recovery blog, so I feel kinda…obligated…to address the topic, but honestly, I’m kinda luke warm on the whole “awareness” thing.

It just seems a little…glorifying if you ask me. And I have a problem with that. Don’t throw around photos of healthy-yet-slightly-thin girls in stock photos pretending to be sad, or even worse, smiling and holding a piece of pizza, and gloat that you’re raising “awareness” or fighting the stigma. The theme: “It’s time to talk about it…” that’s borderline insulting.

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Why don’t you ask the mother whose daughter died of heart failure due to anorexia, or my mother when I was 78 pounds and she was checking on me in the middle of the night to make sure I didn’t go into cardiac arrest. Why don’t you ask them how they feel about those photos.

But I digress. Perhaps there’s more to NEDA week than that.

I will say one other thing though. Whoever thought it was a good idea to have NEDA week overlap with the first week of Lent, and particularly, Ash Wednesday – a day of fasting, was a grave oversight.


But this is definitely a difficult post for me to write. For one, I actually developed my anorexia during Lent my Sophomore year. I gave up sweets. And well, the rest is history.

So there are a lot of mixed feelings about that.

So this time of year is always a difficult one for me.

But ED awareness.

“Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”

I had a real sweet conversation with my mom tonight after we went to church together. She had spent the hour reading my inpatient journal. She’s pouring over it ever since I brought it home from NYC. I don’t know if it’s because of the stroke that she doesn’t quite remember it, but she just has this passion to read what I went through. It’s really quite touching.


But afterwards, tonight, we were the last two people in the room. And we just embraced in this crying hug for a couple minutes. And she just cried in my ear about how sorry she was that I went through that. And she said, “If I could go back, I would do it differently.”

A little surprised, I prompted her to share more. And she said, “I would try to talk to you about it.”

So, it turns out, that I have to eat my words. NEDA week’s slogan this year, “It’s Time to Talk About It” turns out to be quite spot on.

Standing there hugging my mom in church tonight, I finally realized that NEDA week isn’t about the girls. But for the loved ones. The same reason I started this blog. The same reason I’m writing my book.

Eating disorders are hard. There’s stress and emotion and anger and desperation and micromanaging and everyone is on edge around the issues of food and weight and calories and recovery. But at the end of the day, everyone is trying to navigate this scary and unfamiliar territory in the best way they know how. And sadly, that’s hard to know what to do.

Holding her, and telling her how she doesn’t need to apologize, the thoughts about NEDA week and its timing couldn’t get out of my head.

The fact that Ash Wednesday – the day that we literally wear ashes around on our foreheads, marking us and reminding us of His crucifixion – the crucifixion that paid the price for my anorexia – the fact that that day falls on the week that we’re also spotlighting eating disorders…that gives me chills if I’m honest.

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That was what got through to me at inpatient. That was what broke through the walls and the barricades I had placed around my heart.

I was a scared, hurting, and starving little girl. And what set me free from that anorexia and the guilt I had, was to realize that I didn’t have to carry it anymore.

Jesus took it and nailed it to the cross.

Jesus died so that I didn’t have to be enslaved to ED anymore – I could be free.

Hugging my mom in the back of the church, there were so many unspoken words, words that healed. I wished that I could have gone back and undo all the hurt and pain and sadness I caused her. But she then turned to me and said, “But I wouldn’t change it. Because it brought about a lot of good.”

Reading my recovery journal, coming face to face with the raw, unfiltered reality that I was battling every moment in my mind, my mom finally came to understand things that she was never aware of. How could she have been at the time? I was shutting everyone out, isolating myself, and if anyone would try to broach the topic with me, I would storm out and peel out in my car and go take a power walk at the nature preserve. And then when I came home from inpatient, I didn’t want to go back and talk about it. I wanted it gone. Erased from my history.

She finally was seeing what I was going through.

She was getting aware.

Eating disorder awareness… it’s not a photo of a smiling, healthy girl in a cute hat looking down and thinking about puppies.

Awareness means seeing the disease for what it is – a battle for your mind. A girl paralyzed in fear, using her control of food as her coping mechanism to ease her tortured mind.

Awareness means seeing the girl as more than just a severely malnourished body, but a spirit that needs emancipation. Freedom. Rescuing.

But the even more important and exasperating thing…is that no one can do that for her, except herself. She has to want it. She has to seek it.

And the only rescuer that will truly save her, is Jesus.

I guess my trepidation with writing this post tonight was because I knew deep down that awareness hurts. Because you’re letting someone into the pain. You’re exposing the darkness that is the eating disorder.


It’s not some celebration a la Think Pink Breast Cancer awareness month.

It’s the line that once you cross, you can never uncross. Kinda like walking in on your friend’s dad on the toilet. There’s no going back.

So I thought I’d close with the final passage from my inpatient journal.

Let the words of that scared girl speak for themselves.

“Life is full of many unexpected twists and turns that we are unable to predict or control. Most situations are out of our hands, but it is comforting to know that the Creator knows all and that He knows what is going to happen and that He will take us in His hand and carry us through life if we ask Him to. I want Jesus to carry me right now because that is what I need. 

I am scared because I am on transport and I am scared because my supplement was upped and I am scared that I am having an ulcerative colitis flare and I am scared that I have to have these injections but I am going to put my faith in God and let Him lead me because He puts this all together for good. And we may be in the top of a burning building, but He’s outside telling us to jump, and even though we can’t see Him through the smoke, He can see us and will lead us to safety.

Sometimes in life we can take a lot of things for granted. Including life itself. That’s what I did in the eating disorder. I took life itself for granted and when you do that, it is a very very scary thing. Life is so fragile and precious and when our vision is skewed by a filter such as an eating disorder, it is like we are playing with fire. And that is a dangerous thing.”

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387 thoughts on “This Post is Raw”

  1. Dear Princess; this post is as raw as my comment will be. First of all, thanks for finally after the month and more, deciding to write and share it. You put so much into your posts it is awesome.
    When I usually read your posts and don’t comment it’s for 3 reasons:
    1) I may not relate eg with the Elections saga …
    2) I may not have anything to say or
    3) I may so relate I am simply speechless.
    For this post, the 3 is my reason.
    Have a ‘happy’ Lent season… Our joy is in the outcome of the season and the Grace we know we can rely on to go through. Hope mom is much better

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    1. Hi Marie, gosh, what a kind thing to say. I’m so glad this hit home with you, and I appreciate you sharing that it did. THat seriously means the world. This was a particularly difficult post to push the “publish” button on, so i appreciate your affirming words. Amen to that — the outcome of this season is where we place our hope. our joy. our life, really. big hugs to you xox

      Liked by 1 person

  2. What a beautiful relationship you and you mother have. And I so resonate with your words. The muck we experience…if we are allowed to hear it…for what it’s really saying… truly becomes our gold. Our key to healing more than just ourselves. Your such a shining example of this.

    Much love!

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    1. Thank you so much Jenna. Yeah, I am so blessed to have my mom. She really is my best friend. I’m glad this resonated with you. Oh gosh, i love how you put that — yes!! it becomes out gold! Wow, that’s some powerful stuff. thanks for sharing that 🙂 big hugs xox

      Like

  3. An inspirational post full of raw emotion. You are so brave to open yourself up in this way – it will help a lot of people. The messages in it apply to other mental and physical issues too so this reaches out far and wide.
    Meryl

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    1. Thanks so much Meryl 🙂 That is my deepest hope – that it might help even one person. THat is what i pray. You’re right — the root of all of those “things” is the same, and honestly, the solution too 🙂 Big hugs xox

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  4. Great post – I feel the same. Don’t get me wrong, the girls that post their before and after pictures are so brave, but I could never do that. And the ads are too fake… they don’t get across the pain we go through. I’m still not 100% sure about if I want to post it on my blog yet! Recovery was the best decision I ever made and I’m so glad I can see the world from the other side of it all. I’m so glad you do too – Love ya ❤

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    1. Thank you so much for this thoughtful response. I’m so glad it resonated with you! Yeah, I feel like many of the B/A photos are posted simply to glorify their before…almost as a sort of *brag.* And that makes me sick to my stomach if I’m honest. Because what people don’t realize…or maybe they do…is that those before photos are actually *incredibly* triggering for people…they compare themselves, they *yearn* for those bodies, which is so sad to think about, but they do….I’ve been there!! So yeah, it’s a tricky road, because yeah…it’s awesome how far she/he has come, but on the same token, it could be detrimental if it got into the wrong hands. I have published my before photo before, but only in my youtube video for a couple seconds, and I explain that if you’re triggered you should turn the video off now. i went back and forth and back and forth about whether I should put it in there or not, but I decided to because I wanted to share the gravity of my illness at its depths. Maybe I shouldn’t have, I’m not sure looking back. But any who…rambling now. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your heart. Congrats on your recovery….you are a rock star!! 🙂 big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah totally – it’s such a sensitive thing and really personal. You are amazing too hun 😘 I think words are more powerful in this case than photos in order to do good and your blog is brilliant ⭐️

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  5. You gave up sweets, angered by ED, but what came before anger? Recovery, is a path that goes backwards and forwards so where did the anger start? An aversion to our feelings is also a hard path. After the military, I was numb for a few years. I did some SWAT team stuff but I wanted, I don’t know. Something else. I felt like I was at the end of a big social problem that was being solved with just, more bullets. There’s a bit of sameness, I had to be someone I wasn’t for a purpose I didn’t agree too. An actor in the dangers of reality. I feel like, your writing from a spot of excellent observation but avoiding, something. In time, maybe it will come into focus.

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  7. Another great post which I’m sure was difficult to write but you hit the nail on the head – when we take life for granted in any way we miss out on all the God has for us and also what we can do for others. Thanks again for your honesty and vulnerability. By the way our memoir of a doctor who has journeyed through anorexia is now published – if you would like a copy please email your address malcolm@malcolmdown.co.uk

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    1. Thanks so much for sharing this. I appreciate your encouragement. Yeah, it’s hard when a religion says you must fast, but I’ve come to accept that my worship of God is *in me eating.* I know that God doesn’t ever want me to go back to that dark place, so even on the days of fasting, I still eat, and will abstain from something else…like TV or something. Just a little food for thought 😉 Thanks for stopping by! big hugs to you xox

      Liked by 1 person

  10. It’s really heart touching. And at one point where you quote “Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”

    In india a famous saint Kabir say –

    माटी कहे कुम्हार से, तु क्या रोंदे मोय।
    एक दिन ऐसा आएगा, मैं रौदूंगी तोय।।

    माटी (clay, dust) कहे (says) कुम्हार (potter) से (to), तु (you) क्या रोंदे मोय (roll/ trample downs)।
    एक दिन ऐसा आएगा, मैं रौदूंगी तोय ( i will trample down you and you will be formless and will dilute into me)

    Means one day we all will return to dust.

    Clays says to potter- you roll me, but one day you will turn to dust than i will roll you and you will mix up into me.

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  11. Oh my… Thanks for sharing. This message is seriously thought-provoking. It makes me wonder how many untold stories there are about things like this. It is definitely heartbreaking to know that people are suffering in silence because of the stigma attached with the condition. Once again, thank you for sharing 😔

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  13. I just wrote a post about Lent and Fat Tuesday. However, it is extremely superficial compared to yours. I do celebrate Lent and I think it is an opportunity to be reflective but I totally understand the balance of taking it one step too far and spiraling into something negative. I am so glad you are well and willing to share your experiences.

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  14. We are this Let’s Talk day to spread awareness of mental health issues. I agree – marketing for such awareness really has to be very well thought out and planned and it looks like these ED Awareness posters need a serious re-do. The Let’s Talk campaign here in Canada has been really good. I’ve used it to help myself open up with my struggles with my family and friends. This year, they put another spin to it – because the campaign was to break the stigma and myths surrounding people who are battling mental health disorders, the message this year was to ask others to listen to some one who is struggling. And it was wonderful! Two words said it all – Just Listen. It means to take the judgement out, it means to be serious about a friend’s suffering, it means one does not really know what the other one is going through (it’s hard to) so listening is the best thing they can do. Anyway – thank you for being so honest. I am not familiar with ED (other than the text book lessons from psychology) so I am hear to listen!

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m so glad that the campaign has proved so beneficial to you! That’s terrific. Just Listen. Now THAT is powerful. Sounds like Canada’s got it goin’ on! 🙂 thanks for the encouragement. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  16. “She threw away all her masks and put on her soul. She declared “I am here to be of service. I am open and ready to receive”. And the Universe heard her and sent out its infinite guardians to help her. They said “It’s only the beginning” and she laughed, sang, danced, prayed and healed with her guardians until the very last human was awakened and realised the true meaning of the the words “we are all one”. The End.” Francesca Silvanna
    Dear Beautiful Lady, these words seem to sum up quiet nicely what I heard pour through your heart in this raw post of yours. Lent draws us all near to one another through our individual pain & suffering. I continue to be so proud of, & inspired by, the courage you’ve been given to share your story, full of healing, hope, and honesty. You inspire us all!! And what a lovely gift God is giving to you now, this lenten season with new awareness & perspective, seeing the ‘other side’ during that particular period of your life. How beautiful the Holy Spirit has rolled this revelation into one beautiful big ball of timing: NEDA, lent, and you being with your mother during her own recovery. HUGS, HUGS AND MANY BLESSINGS for a happy, holy lent!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Dawn, thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement. I am truly so touched by your words. That’s so true – this timing is incredible. God really has surrounded my family and I with so much grace in this time, I am so incredibly grateful for it. Thanks again for your support. You are a blessing to me. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Reblogged this on untiring endurance and commented:
    Reblogging this beautiful post of faith and healing from the control food has over us. For the writer, the food was a bad thing, and she stopped eating it, for me, the food was an idol, and I ate too much. There are many ways eating disorders affect people, and as the writer says, the only way to break free from it is to give it to Jesus. He already took the burden from us on the cross, we just have to accept that love.

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  19. Wow…thank you for sharing! I know that was difficult, but yet you did it. Your story can/will help so many lives that struggle with ED. I am truly touched and inspired by your writings— God bless you hun!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. You just opened your wound wide open. I don’t know why. You are very brave. I would surmise that you’re going to be looking for an anesthetic after this one. I hope you find it. Writing is a very heavy chore, especially when combined with life. I thought a broken U-joint was a chore, but I can see now that the human body is the much bigger chore!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Dan. Yeah, writing can be emotionally difficult, but on the same token, incredibly healing. And I’ll take the healing over that any day 🙂 Thanks for stopping by and for taking the time to read. I know this one was a little longer than normal 🙂 I appreciate it 🙂 hugs xox

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      1. Yes, it was longer, but similar in both intensity and length to your earlier writings.

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  23. Hi BBB,

    Thanks for your words. Praying that another layer of healing comes as you revisit this from the beginning.

    Gary On Mon, Feb 27, 2017 at 4:00 PM BeautyBeyondBones wrote:

    > beautybeyondbones posted: “I had been putting off writing this post for > about a month and a half. National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. Feb > 26-March 4 I had been dreading writing this post because, obviously BBB is > an eating disorder recovery blog, so I feel kinda…obligated…” >

    Like

  24. There were so many great points in hear that needed to be said out loud. I am so thankful to be following your blog and listening to someone the age of my children effacing what the Spirit has been telling me. I am thankful you can speak to Jesus rescuing you and I love your relationship with your mom. The Holy Spirit is using your blog in so many ways. He is using your journey through all this to touch lives but not only about the eating disorder, you are sharing something on so many fronts that help and touch lives.

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  25. Wow! Thanks for the tender and brave share. I wonder if every issue anyone has comes down to trying to wrestle control away from God. I know for sure it is for me. I know why I feel helpless sometimes and why I think I need to control everything (including when someone will leave me because I show them “the real” me and scare them off.) Even though I know though I still struggle to let go and trust God. One day at a time :), thanks again for a great post BBB.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. This was very inspirational. Your words and rawness will help a lot of young people who need to hear the truth. Eating disorders are serious, but the media and pr firms for awareness do not seem to really get that message across. It’s the worst kind of gaslighting out there because the scale is so large and the damage is politely ignored. Thank you for sharing your faith and words to the world.

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  27. I just love your blog. Firstly, let me send love and hugs your way, and to thank you for sharing. Secondly, I too suffered this disorder. One day, I was so weak, I could not get out of bed. My mother called for a doctor who asked my age. He couldn’t tell. I was wearing children’s clothes for 11 year olds. I was 18. Thank you for being you. ❤

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  29. Thank you so much for sharing. I have a couple friends and girls from my church that I know have struggled and are struggling with eating disorders. I haven’t experienced that so I don’t know what it is like. Thank you for sharing so I could get a glimpse of what they are going through. I don’t know if you would ever feel comfortable sharing this or if you want to write this kind of post, but I think writing a post about what you would have wanted someone to tell you when you went through your eating disorder could be really helpful to myself and others out there who have never been through it and want to help those we know.
    -Rebekah

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    1. Thank you so much Rebekah, for sharing thing. I’m sorry to hear that you have people in your life who are struggling with ED. I will definitely keep them in my thoughts and prayers. Yeah, I have thought about writing a post like that but honestly, that’s really hard….but I should really try and wrap my mind around it. Because the main theme that i hear is that loved ones feel that their hands are tied. Big hugs to you, it sounds like you’re a great friend and these girls are lucky to have you in their lives! hugs xox

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  32. This was so powerful. Thank you for sharing. It means a lot, even if I don’t have an eating disorder personally. My sister and best friend were anorexic, and talking about it was difficult to the point of impossible. I still to this day wish I had talked more to my best friend, even as she was pegging me for details of how my sister got out of it a few years before.
    Best wishes for your mom’s recovery, too – and your continued health.

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    1. Thank you so much Katherine. I’m sorry that you had to watch your sister and friend go through that. Being the loved one is not easy. And it’s hard to broach the topic. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your heart. Big hugs xox

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  33. This post is raw! And from raw comes goodness. I would never presume to understand what you’ve been through. I have but one view point, that of mother to child who binges and purges.

    I want desperately to talk about it …to get it out in the open so we can address the elephant in the room. Not talking about it, doesn’t make it not so. As we’re quiet and walking around on egg shells, she gets worse.

    My therapist tells me to wait for my daughter to make the first move. That if I push, I could lose her forever. And I get that. She’s a perfectionist straight A student living away from home. She is wound tighter than I was at that age. She deeply cares what others think. She’d be mortified to know that I’m on to her secret.

    One week for awareness is not enough in my opinion. Thank you for sharing. We need more people to do just that.

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    1. Thank you so much J Dub, I really appreciate this kind reflection. I’m sorry to hear that your daughter is going through that. I will definitely keep her in my prayers. You’re right – it’s hard to bring up these tough topics. That sounds just like how I was when I was in my ED. And I would have never brought it up. And I didn’t. My family staged an intervention. Gosh, J Dub, what a tough situation. Hang in there. And I agree — one week isn’t enough…it should be everyday. Sending big big hugs xox

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      1. Thank you so much. Your blog is bringing needed attention. I’m glad I found you out there in this universe. There is comfort in your words. For the first time in a while there is hope.

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  35. Just like how forgiveness works, awareness can work the same way. Some people do not realize all the behind-the-scenes of a season until it is revealed to them. I felt the love when you and your mother were able to mourn together again. I felt like it brought more healing to an area you did not realize was there.

    so impactful.

    -JV

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    1. Thanks so much JV. You’re right. It works the same way:) yes, it was a really special moment between my mom and I. I’ll definitely remember that for a long time 🙂 thank you for stopping g by and for the wonderful encouragement. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  38. This hit me so hard and I’m so glad there are people like you who have the courage to speak about these topics. Good luck to you in everything xx

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  40. Oh my heart. I have sat here for about 20 minutes reflecting and organizing my thoughts, unsure of how to put them into words. FIrst off, thank you. Thank you for sharing You. I feel like a mirror is reflecting back at me as I read. I am not alone. I never was alone. Those years were tough, not only for me but most of all to my best friend, my mama. I feel grateful for coming across your site. I actually came across your post after looking through who liked my blog posts. You liked my “Water Droplet Meditation”. Thank you for visiting. I will be stopping by here more, I really love your writing. Bliss & Bless, sister.

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  41. Inspiring….thank you for being strong enough to share and it sounds like you have the support and love around you to continue with your recovery and I am sure you will continue to be strong and win out x

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  42. Thank you for this post! It is beautiful when we are able to speak and write openly about this struggle — because that is a true sign in personal growth and strength in winning the battle.

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  43. Raw indeed. But stripping off the skin of eating disorders will always, always be raw – uncomfortable, squirmy, putting the parts of us we tried so hard to squelch out there on view. It is a brave and beautiful thing to share those hidden and sore parts of yourself with us. I rejoice in the healing you have found at Jesus’ feet. I rejoice in the healing I have found at those same feet! And until more of us are willing to enter into our own pain deeply enough to expose raw flesh, our stories lack power – the power to reach back and hold out a hand to someone else walking in pain. Your words were raw enough to reach into my wounds – which means they will have the power to heal. Blessings on you!

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    1. Thank you so much For this thoughtful reflection, Melody. It really means a lot. You’re right – it’s raw indeed. But amen! There is healing in Him. How grateful am I for that!! Glad this resonated with you 🙂 Big hugs to you xox

      Liked by 1 person

  44. Thank you. When someone pushes themselves to be brave or past lukewarm, it pokes those of us in the same spot to also share our story. We grow together. Thanks again.

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  46. Yes! This is wonderfully written and a spot on description of what awareness is really about. It’s not showing just the happy sides of ourself that we want the world to see. It’s not just the “fake recovery” posts and pictures. It’s those, and everything else too. It needs to include the incredible that everyone with an ed experiences. Thanks for this 💗

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  47. Powerful, Powerful Post. You have come a long way and your courage and determination show. You are definitely a voice for the voiceless when it comes to ED and I really love how you put it in its place with that quote “you are dust…..” May God continue to give you the strength, wisdom and courage to continue to share what you have been through in order to help others be more aware of ED and to help those who are going through it. May God also continue to bless you mother on her road to recovery. God bless.

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  48. I can’t imagine the courage it took to write this – or any of your posts. I am sorry you went through what you did but God does work in mysterious ways and you must know that you are right where you are supposed to be. Helping others the way you did is so selfless. I have a tremendous respect for what you have done to raise awareness. Thank you for sharing!

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    1. Thank you so much Joan, what a kind thing to say. I really appreciate it. That’s so true, God is in control. I may not always understand His ways, but I do trust Him. Thanks for stopping by! big hugs ox

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  49. I’ve never dealt with your particular type of battle, but so much of what you say here applies to everyone. We all need freedom, all need rescuing. Thank you for adding this truth: “And the only rescuer that will truly save her, is Jesus.”
    This post may be raw, but as such it is lovely. And so are you.
    Blessings.

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  50. You are such an inspiration to me. I do not struggle with ED. I struggle with panic and depression but reading your blog always helps me see there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That I can make it out of this alive. That there is a bright future ahead of me.
    Thank you for sharing. You may not know it or believe it, but you are changing lives. ❤

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