“The One That Got Away”

It’s funny how life hits you over the head with some things sometimes.

At least until you get the point.

And let’s just say, I’m nursing a pretty big welt on my noggin from where I’ve been repeatedly struck.

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Metaphorically, of course. Although, at this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if it becomes physical, too.

I’m going to say something, and I realize that it’s going to sound a little…well…ugly, and please just take it in the sense that it was meant.

But…

I’ve been told, many times in my life, that I’ve been “the one who got away.”

In fact, one of these ways is in a song you can hear on the radio right now…

But that story’s for another day…

But apparently, that’s the role I’ve been cast in so far in life…the one who got away.

And this weekend, God kinda smacked me upside the head with that.

Three times…One weekend…Face to face with three guys, with whom, I’ve had romantic “undefined/unstatus’d-things” with. Except now, they’re all either in serious relationships or engaged.

God confronted me with that while I’ve been in NYC.

Abruptly.

And it didn’t feel so nice.

In fact, I wrote a pretty raw blog post at 4:30am one night, bawling my eyes out, after spending time with that boy, now engaged, and I was going to publish it, but it felt a little too indulgent. Maybe I’ll share it over on Patreon…

But here’s a little glimpse into that headspace:

A big part of me wants to just say, “We could have had it all. It should have been us. I wish you would have known.” I’d take him aside and just bear my soul, tell him that I’ve loved him from Day One and that I’m sad he’s getting married, because I could have made him the happiest man in the world. That we would have been so right. That it was supposed to be us. He knows it. I know it. It’s undeniable.

But I can’t. We cannot be. We will never be.

And I’m sitting here doing all I can to come to terms with that. In a puddle, just trying to say that I trust all that God has in store for me, but I just don’t know how, because this hurts so much.

And so I’ll put on a stoic face, and tell you how f%@#ing happy I am for you, and see the longing in your eyes, knowing that we will never be.

I told you…it was raw.

I have lived hard and fast by the rule that a lady should never show her cards. Keep her heart close to her chest, and for the love of all things good, play hard to get. But you know what? That has gotten me nowhere.

And in fact, this weekend, I have been shown just how detrimental that’s been. How regressive. How hindering.

I’ve been barricading my heart from letting someone in.

And it’s time I stop.

Don’t do that no mo’.

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I’m not talking about running around and giving my heart [or body for that matter] to any boy who gives me butterflies. But it’s time to start giving my heart a voice.

And not just on a blog.

I’m talking, in the flesh, in a vulnerable conversation where real feelings and reputations are at stake.


I don’t want to be “the one who got away” anymore.

I don’t want to look across the room at a guy, and hold that longing look of – we could have been right for each other, but now it’s too late. 

Because that look, it doesn’t feel good. Sucks for everyone involved.

Being “the one who got away,” involves the choice of going away. Involves the decision to run. To turn away. Close off. Say no.

And maybe that makes a great plotline for a romantic chick flick, with Prince Charming running after his damsel in destress. But the fact is, life is not a movie and guys don’t like rejection. Even if it isn’t overtly so.

Perhaps I’ve had these three interactions this weekend to show that, it’s time I start saying “Yes.” Time I start opening up. Showing my cards.

Because what they don’t tell you, is the “the one who got away,” is moreoftenthannot alone.

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I don’t pretend to know a lot of things, but one thing I do know, is that God will keep trying to get a message through to you until it clicks.

And I guess it took these three run-ins with past flames to show me that if I want love, I have to allow it to happen. Express how I feel and let someone get close to me, and perhaps…be a little more deliberate in that department.

Long and short: I have to give a little.

Give a little more of my heart.

That sounds like it should be a Gloria Estefan song.

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I guess I’ll just leave you with that 🙂

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319 responses to ““The One That Got Away””

  1. I once heard that my number one biggest flaw is my lack of vulnerability (My blog is a complete contradiction to that…). I believe it. I believe there have been times I should have shared my soul and refused to for fear of being hurt. But I used to also believe in decency and decency requires boundaries – but maybe that doesn’t mean being dishonest about your feelings either, but rather there is a boundary on whom you should share those feelings.
    From what I have read on your blog, however, you will come out of even this situation…
    And I’m going to use an expression I have not used in years: God will bless you.

    Reply

  3. I trust that your heart is being transformed by your sojourn with your mom. As she is vulnerable, you can see the way vulnerability draws us closer. As you both have a real range of feelings, you learn to trust them more. God doesn’t waste anything, including those former relationships. I’ll be interested to see who turns up next!

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  4. Had my husband and I been vulnerable to each other all along, I think our marriage would have vastly different, and in a much better way.

    We think walls keep us safe, but while they are keeping out the bad stuff, they also keep out the good stuff.

    And I am so sorry that you are hurting, but can I just give you a big ol’ hug and thank you for maintaining boundaries with men who are in committed relationships?

    I hope you find your special someone with whom you feel safe and loved, who matches your your vulnerability with his own, and who makes you grateful that the timing worked out just right after all. ❤️

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    • Hi Natalie, thank you so much for sharing this. I really appreciate that big ol hug!! 🙂 Yeah, that’s a boundary I will never ever cross. Thanks again. big big hugs xox

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  5. I always love your raw honesty. Vulnerability. And your ability to be real. I also love how God uses our experiences (even mistakes) to shape us… Maybe what you have learned so far is just preparing you for THE one you’re meant to be with. 🙂 xoxo

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  6. I once heard by an ex’s family member that I was the ” one that I got away”. I laughed and said, ” he left me to see if her grass was greener on other side and now he sees it’s duller than what he thought mine was.” She had no words, lol.

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  8. I honestly don’t believe those were the ones who got away. At the time you were with them you obviously not ready to be anyone’s wife or would be one now. There was work you needed to do. Things are exactly as they are supposed to be. So be thankful for the gift that they indeed did get away for both you and them. So maybe the message you were given with these encounters was “I’ve come a long way in my development, thank goodness!” Now you know your patterns so you don’t repeat them again which will make vulnerability a little easier because you have a better sense of who you are and that your happiness is not dependent upon someone else. Everything is as it should be because it is…

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  9. It does suck to feel that way. Trust me. But you know what have sucked? If you have tolerated being an option to the guy. I get it… it sucks to give love and not receive love, especially when its someone you WANT to love. You didn’t tolerate being tolerable. You have self respect and some guy is going to respect and love you for that one day.

    I know now days especially in the dating the world people wanna be “casual”, they wanna play hard to get (no offense), but if you wanna find someone life lasting you can’t play into that. It will distract you. I mean, what IF you played into that and you were SOOOO close to getting a great guy, but because he saw you acting like every other “modern” day woman, you lost him and you have to wait ALLLLLL over again to find love, because he’s looking for true love too and you gave up being that love?

    I know it’s frustrating. I wanna give up, so I can just be any guy’s arms again (I came out of a relationship almost a month ago; wasn’t mutual). But I know my worth and it’s like God said, “We may live IN the world, but we are NOT of it.” We have to be true to ourselves and honor that, so that some day, one day we can have the love and respect of a man WE deserve and that deserve US…whether he’s someone we’ve been with and/or seen before or not. So right now, let’s just use our single lives to build ourselves up and build a better relationship with ourselves and God, because it’s like I’ve read in the Bible, when you are in a relationship or married you won’t have time to build yourself up and have a relationship with God. So that one day when you do (or as you do), you are fully centered in your self-worth and in God and you can be your best self in that relationship or marriage.

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  10. When I was younger I used to romanticize the notion of “the one that got away” and by the ones that got away, I mean FROM me. I absolutely believe that life is not black and white and timing can come into play, but the older me no longer romanticizes any of it. In the end the one or ones that got away didn’t LOVE me back the way I loved them, Period. Xo

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  11. I have one that got away…do I still love this person, sure…but in a way that has matured. I think it’s the first time that I have related to another person, wholly. But then, it was me and not them. I wouldn’t trade the admiration that my heart felt…my head told me everything was right. “that time”. It was everything I ever wanted…but not what I needed. I think that is the key. Recently I posted about our first overnight date, “Chocolate”. This was very hard to post, as there are things that I still do to check up on them. I as my self questions, are they happy, are they in another relationship. I know, I know it sounds stalkerish!!But I truly wish I hadn’t sabotaged any friendship we could have had afterwards. I was betrayed, not by ” the one that got away” but by being blinded by what I wanted and not what I needed. Which is where I am now. Thankful for the place I have arrived at, because the broken heart that nearly killed me…scary nervous breakdown…well enough of that…It should be what we need, with a smidge of want…Because what I need builds me up, wants kept me chasing fairy tales.

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    • Thanks so much for sharing your heart. This really resonated with me. Hang in there friend. It sounds like you are on a very powerful and healing path. big hugs to you oxox

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  12. I’ve had to learn over the past year that being vulnerable is necessary in a relationship. I used to be the type that HATED anything that seemed emotional (a big part why it took till the age of 27 to get involved in any type of relationship lol)…I guess I called it mush. And by the time a guy braved all of those tendencies to be with me, it became hard on him to try and crack through all that. It took a while but I had to open up. It’s scary, and there are times I do regret being this open and dependent on him, because sometimes I get disappointed…a part of me starts to say, “SEE! This is why you shouldn’t let anyone this far in! YOU KNEW THIS!” But, that’s a part of life and growth. That shouldn’t keep one from being vulnerable with someone. And you said something so right in this blog, that God keeps teaching until you get it LOL. Best believe. Keep your chin up, love.

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    • Thank you so much Stephanie. I really appreciate that. you’re right – it’s necessary for a relationship. yes! He definitely will keep teaching us! thanks for stopping by! big hugs xo

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    • So true man… it IS part of life. It’s how you learn about yourself and the other person. If you live a “under the surface” relationship then how would that benefit you? You just wasted your time. How would that befit you and your partner? You might be with the wrong person. Besides you shouldn’t reduce yourself to NOT being vulnerable.It shows how you value yourself and also how value relationships.

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  13. My Dear Caralyn. Words don’t often fail me, but this started as one of those times. Thankfully, my mind mulls at high speed.

    “The one that got away” is a ruse of the enemy. It never leaves you feeling built up, encouraged or even worth loving. One is simply the one that wasn’t worth pursuing.

    Unworthy. Unlovable.

    It’s a lie, straight from the father of lies. Write it down and you can almost smell the sulphur and brimstone.

    But it comes in such a way to illicit an agreement. The instant we “agree” with the lie, we give it more room than it’s worth.

    An old story of a long-dead bishop had him in a spiritual battle with Satan for several hours, then finding a place of peace, he retired to bed. Around midnight, he awoke to find Satan himself sitting on his bedpost. Awoken, he rubbed his eyes, saw the ghastly apparition, muttered “oh, it’s just you”, turned over and went back to sleep.

    We need to be able to find God’s peace wherever we are, whatever we’re going through, and shut out the lies.

    It’s not easy, I won’t lie.

    I’m 45 now and it still gets me. I’ve been married for 14 years, but it still gets me. I reconnected with a lady I had deep feelings for around 20 years ago, before I met my wife. Nothing came of it. We were left with both of us at the time expressing to each other that each of us would be the one that got away.

    After 20 years, and 14 of those married, part of me still feels that. And no, my marriage is not in jeopardy – because I have learned to identify whose voice is whispering.

    From your blog you expose your heart. They lost out, yes. You are clearly worth pursuing. The problem is that today we live in an “instant gratification” world.

    My suggestion, for what it’s worth, is stop looking. I stopped and just 3 weeks later I met my wife.

    Stop and rest. Let God bring them to you.

    Reply

    • Find God’s peace wherever we are. That is such great advice. Thank you David. I’m so glad that you’ve found such a beautiful love! And what an awesome story of how y’all met! Looks like I need to stop looking! So glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox

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      • I just got a “reply” message to a post I’d forgotten I wrote – which is kind of embarrassing – but when I went back and read the post so I could respond I found myself thinking of you.

        Feel free to completely ignore it, but if you’re interested the link is https://eagleswingministries.wordpress.com/2015/08/08/finding-peace-in-chaos/ and it’s from a time a couple f years ago when my whole life was up in the air. My wife was seriously ill and in and out of hospital, I was struggling with everything except seeking God. Thankfully, rushing into His arms is my default setting when the sh*t hits the fan – which it does a lot!

        Blessings & hugs

        D

      • Oh D, thank you so much for sharing this. I will definitely check it out. Gosh, that sounds like an incredibly challenging and scary season. You’re right- His arms are the best place to be. Hugs and love xox

  15. My friend I don’t know your circumstances or all you’ve been through, but I do that fear can hold us back. We need or want to feel safe and we hold back so we won’t be hurt. The other thought I had was prayer. As you know God cares a great deal about something so personal as our relationships, even our romances! My wife and I talk about this sometimes. So in the midst of talking with or dating guys, lift up a prayer or 2. I am sure He will give you peace. These are just some thoughts I had.

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  16. It is so hard for me to be vulnerable as well. I wonder how my relationships could be different if I were to open up…

    Anyway…I have to know what song in the radio is about you! Please tell that story!

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    • Thanks Kat. I appreciate that. Yeah being vulnerable is hard but I’m willing to bet it’s worth it 🙂 hahaha oh gosh that’s a longgggggg story. And honestly, I don’t think I’m at liberty to say haha maybe one day 🙂 hope you’re having a great start to your weekend! Big hugs xox

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  18. I feel like I was a lot like you when I was younger. I had one boyfriend in college but that didn’t last. I started dating Bryon when I was 29. He was the love of my life and worth waiting for. But I had struggled so much on letting guys in. Letting my guard down. I think you have the right attitude about it.

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  19. Trust me, what didn’t happen was not right for you. The timing and “energy” needs to work for both so you can build a good relationship in the long term. Surely there are couples that don’t work and then next thing you know they work with different people – no surprise there: on top of good timing and energy, lessons were learned and aided them in the next relationships. There is a world of possibilities out there. We just need to be more in tune with facing these encounters as meaningful in their own way, even if they didn’t “last forever”. Trusting God’s teachings more than our broken hearts and expectations is a game changer. 🙂

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    • Thanks Milly. You’re so right – was not meant to be. And yes! I definitely am learning so much throughout this process that I will definitely take with me going forward. Thanks for your kind words. Hugs and love xox

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      • I used to think ‘wasn’t meant to be’ was a sad realization. But really: it isn’t. Once we let go of people with whom things didn’t work, without regrets and genuinely wishing the best for both them and ourselves, the next encounters are so much more mature and, most importantly, balanced. We certainly need to free ourselves of these attachments – believe me, I spent almost all of my life holding on to those and just a few years back learned how to do it differently. 😉

      • That’s a really awesome way to look at it. you’re right, it just means we’re one stop closer to finding the right one. 🙂 Thanks again xoxox

  20. I’ve been told that before too, but more in the “please, let’s go with the nice men in the white jackets now dear so we can get back and get you your meds. You’re going to miss basket weaving today and it’s your favorite.”

    All joking aside, I know what you mean. It sucks and they stay in your dreams and memory forever. Even after you find “the one.”

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  21. All I can say love can be a funny thing, because we feel it but don’t understand it completely. I felt it few times being young with not understanding it yet, but I also a different person when I was a kid and from 10 or 13 years ago, so love can be different for me now as this person and also my past girls I had feelings for are married, and maybe are different people that I knew them as.
    So they might gotten away but as people we change for better or worst and all depends on situations​ we go through in life that makes us who we are or learn to be on who we are in life.
    So we can always fall, but sometimes we have to pick ourselves​ up before we get help up, also same with people we pick up and to help them get up from a fall.
    We can be blind or be shown the way, is always light to be shown in darkness​, sometimes we are blinded by others before we see for ourselves what we are blinded by, if we can see the truth behind our faults. It’s​ easier for some then others, but we have to stick true to ourselves to find what we need or have it find us if we keep our eyes open to it.

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  23. It sounds like you’re getting closer to being ready for the guy when he comes along. I can’t speak for all men, but I think the kind you’re looking for doesn’t want to play games or to keep chasing someone. So I offer this wisdom from Sammy Hagar:
    If you want love, you’ve got to give a little.
    If you want faith, you’ve got to believe a little.
    If you want peace, turn your cheek a little.

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  24. For me it’s been a different instance. I’ve been more like Good Luck Chuck. The one after me seems to be the right guy for them. Even if they’ve left a marriage for it. It seems though, that Gods plans are more then I can understand. God doesn’t want us to be alone, but it is for us to occasionally find the bread crumbs laid down for us. Faith in Gods plan and to let go of our own timeline is the challenge. Being alone isn’t easy, especially we see people we’ve cared for happier then we are.

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  25. This really hits home. I often thought of a guy I let go, thinking I’d made a huge mistake as we connected so well. But there was one big area that we didn’t agree on and I knew it could never work in the long term. We did remain friends for a year and it really stung when he moved on and got engaged. There was always a part of me that held on to hope that we could be together again. It’s hard to let go sometimes and not question decisions we’ve made. But, I did meet a great guy eventually. Even though he’s not what I imagined for a husband and we had some rough times, we are still happy. You will meet a great guy too! Hold out for God’s plan. Waiting isn’t easy but so worth it. He’s knows what we need better than we do.

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    • Thank you so much Carla. I really appreciate your kind words. I’m sorry that you can so personally relate, but I’m so glad that you’ve found a great guy and are living in that happiness. Yes! Gotta trust Him! Hugs and love xox

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  26. There are so many others above who have already commented so wisely. So I’ll just leave you with a long-distance-internet-hug. This is good! It may hurt but it’s a good development, facing this aspect of life!

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  27. Dear Carolyn I have something to say to you directly… Why aren’t American Kitkats the same as Canadian? That’s all I was asked about during my time in the buckeye state is bring us some better tasting chocolate from Canada. American’s don’t have the niche for sweet tastebuds which is surprising because of “Hersey Pennsylvania” I guess I should now take a moment to talk about your subject. You’re a lovely person and if you wait God’s way, it’s really the best way. I really don’t want to half to write you a long poetic message about why you are special to God. But I will suggest for you to do is study love. But study love God’s way. take an opportunity Abraham Isaac and Rebecca. Take a moment to study proverbs 31. Take a moment to study 1 Corinthians 13. Take a moment to study Jonah, John, Boaz and Ruth. Take a moment to realize this true story, I may say eh a lot more in my vocabulary than you. Take a moment to think about the fact Love and the splendor of it all is all around us. It’s in the sky, it’s in the green grass. It’s in the cool sights and sounds of waterfalls. All of this was created by God and why because God is Love. Don’t show your cards to the world, they won’t understand but rather make room and show your cards to the Lord. He shall direct. Let your heart to be true to his word and he shall guide you to a find you and treat you in a kind view. I’m not just saying this because you have a pretty face either. I mean you do, that’s not the point besides this isn’t the seventh grade and I’m not passing secret notes to you inside a classroom. Be Patient, Be Kind, Be Still….
    So much for not wanting to write a long poetic message…..

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  28. I love this post. I’m sorry this particular ex of yours is engaged, but I want to say you are not the “one who got away”. It may seem that way and you may feel that way, but “it wasn’t meant to be”. If you are meant to be with someone Jesus makes sure it happens. There’s no one, not even Satan can stop it. He can try to delay it, but can’t stop it. So I hope and pray you accept that you are meant to be with someone who’s the perfect fit for you and only you. God bless.

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  29. *pulling hair out*
    I reflect back on all the bittersweet, beautiful, uplifting experiences God has given you over the last year and think…
    *bites tongue real hard*

    I tried to live a normal life. God beat me up for my pride. It wasn’t the reason I was put on this Earth.

    I could be accused of projecting that on you, I guess.

    Be joyful, dear one…may you be blessed with marvelous relationships.

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  30. Dear Carolyn,
    I have to say I agree with cordell79 in that you should not place all the blame on yourself for ‘the one who got away’. You are not the only one in the relationship. Yes, you may have made the choice to turn away but then he also made a choice to turn away as well. This is something I have learnt over the years and it is one of the hardest lessons to absorb that making ourselves the culprits or the victims is not the answer because both labels seem to infer 100% commitment and guilt, when really life is too complicated for extremes. Thank you for the post, it helped me rethink and remember.

    Annetta

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    • Thank you so much for this annetta. This is such a powerful perspective and I really appreciate you sharing it with me. You’re right – I shouldn’t shoulder all of the blame. Thanks for stopping by. Hugs and love xox

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  31. Being vulnerable has always been hard for me. I guess I would try to protect myself from getting hurt. I’m learning how to do that again.

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  32. I’m glad this was the first thing I read! I’ve been rejected more times Han had dates. For the past week I’ve even thought about trying online dating just because I want someone to talk to. I always appreciate how you aren’t afraid to say anything in your posts. Good share.

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  34. Omg I can so relate !!! That used to weigh me down so much. I used to think … if only I would of given him a chance I would of probably been married by now. There were a few that really cared about me but I was way too dysfunctional to even see it or even care . And then when I started to see it , it was way too late. They were either in serious relationships or married. It was so heart breaking for me but life goes on. I’ve finally let all that stuff go and I’m not giving up on love . I’m all for being vulnerable and open to whatever God has in store for me . I wish you the best ❤️❤️

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    • Hi friend! I’m so glad this resonated with you. Yeah it’s always such a heart wrenching feeling when you play the “what if” game in your head. You’re right – life goes on and God has great things in store for both of us. I do believe that! Big hugs to you xox

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  37. Hey girl. I’ve been following you and ur posts, I’ve never replied to any ever in the blog world and am new to blogging myself. I felt I had to on this one, maybe a learn from my mistake please outreach. I really really really hope u reach out to him before he gets married. Just cuz he’s engaged doesn’t mean it’s forever. Maybe you feel you can’t do that to her but and him to but what would be worse would be the both of u love with regret of having lost each other or someday him realizing how much of a mistake he made with this engaged woman. I wish I wouldn’t have married who I did and followed my heart saying don’t do it but now kids are involved and it’s an ugly mess. Never allow your fear to hold you back from telling someone how you feel.

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    • Hi friend, thank you so much for sharing this. It sounds like you definitely have learned some challenging lessons and I really appreciate you passing along the wisdom you gained along the way. I’m sorry that you’re going through that. I will definitely keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Big hugs xox

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      • I just read your color yellow blog post. You should check out my living in color one. Made me think about how when Satan puts an enormous amount of shame and guilt in our thoughts that overtake us, it must always feel like black and white. I could relate. You’re stories a blessing. Keep on girl, ur awesome.

  38. Caralyn, I want to tell you something with all of the care and affection of a friend who has nothing but your best interests at heart.

    You are a silly, silly goose!

    Remember your episode of seeing some hot guy at church back home, but you in your sweats wouldn’t talk to him? I told you what you should’ve done, to which you responded something like “Dang, Jeff! You got game!”

    *sigh*

    “We could’ve been. It was supposed to be US!”

    This from the girl who wouldn’t share a name or a picture of herself until less than a year ago. And I understand that…still do. You had a lot of trauma to come back from, and there’s no shame or guilt in that. So…

    Newsflash: it wouldn’t have happened with any of those three, because a) you couldn’t open up yet and b) if you had, the hot mess that WAS you would’ve driven them off. As it is, the four of you have a fond, bittersweet memory (which I think is good), and everyone is WHERE GOD GOT THEM TO!

    You really have become the Beauty beyond those bones, someone who can and will attract the right guys. You’ve stepped out from the shadows and opened up to the BBB community completely. Now you need to do that live and in person. One on one.

    And I’m glad to hear you realized the hard-to-get thing is a losing proposition. See the great balladeer Jim Croce: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I65Ru4VsPPs I’m very fond of you, but by your own words I can’t help wondering if there wasn’t at least a whisper of the old you in this song. Seriously. 3-1/2 minutes well spent. My generation had some of the coolest music and best ballads.

    Listen, kiddo: put those acting skills to use. As I told you before, fake it till you make it. You see someone that’s interesting, take the chance. Play your favorite heroine from some chick flick, put on some game, and make a play. Playing hard to get only works when the smile and eyes say “You WILL catch me, Big Boy!” Which isn’t “hard to get after all”, just an invitation to the game.

    You will discover that you WILL succeed at being open, and success builds upon success.

    I had to kiss the wife of a friend for a play. Really well. I was scared poopless until we got the first one out of the way. After that it was fine. Same thing with opening up. Get that first one out of the way. It gets easier after that. And more natural.

    With true care and affection from your friend. 🙂

    Reply

    • Hiya Jeff! You never cease to speak directly to my soul, my friend. thank you for this. I think you’re right – just gotta dive in. it will be scary to take the plunge but I’ve just gotta *get over it* and put myself out there! 🙂 and you’re absolutely right – this has all been part of God’s timing and plan and once again, I have to realize not. to rush. the Master. He is working all things together in harmony, and i just need to, as they say, leave it to the Professional. 🙂 Ok, have an awesome weekend my friend! big hugs to you ad the fam! x

      Reply

  39. Everything in life is a lesson. A similar thing happened to me, except I had moved on when he made his feelings clear. It broke my heart, sometimes it still hurts.
    Keeping my emotions shielded still resulted in a broken heart. I took a chance on the next sincere friendship I had. We’ve been together for 15 years.
    Be brave. It’s easier than regretting life. 🙂

    Reply

    • Thanks Lorraine, oh wow, 15 years – that is so beautiful 🙂 congratulations! and you’re right – everything in life presents an opportunity to learn. so glad you stopped by 🙂 big hugs xo

      Reply

  40. Lord knows I am an old fart and WELL out of the dating scene, so you can file this under “Comments from someone who has no recent experience” However, if they were dumb enough to let you get away, AND, they weren’t worthy (and when it comes to your or anyone’s love they have to worthy) of you making an effort to NOT get away, then I think you did well to get away.

    Not to mention someone who is engaged really shouldnt be looking at a gorgeous lady (you), with longing in his eyes and saying he is sorry you got away, Doesnt say much for his current relationship.

    Whew! OK I need to go back to giving bike riding advice 🙂 STay strong lady! The man who doesnt let you get away and who is worthy of you will be one lucky dude!

    Reply

  41. I’m sorry you feel the way that you do. God’s timing is always on time, always perfect. We need to always remind ourselves that although we’re not the ones walking down that aisle and proclaiming our forevers to one another, we already did that with our relationship with God. There is nothing wrong with opening our hearts to others; as C.S. Lewis said, “to love is to be vulnerable”. Lastly, we can’t be bitter about it as God called us to love. I hope you find your Prince Charming soon, I hope he loves you and cherishes you like God does. Be patient. Good luck!

    Thanks for being so raw!

    Reply

  42. Give yourself a chance to love and be loved. You have to love to receive it. I was once in your shoes but, one day at a time.God bless.

    Reply

  43. I wonder if you are not so much the one that got away – more the one is getting ready to stay. Sounds to me like all these “perfect for each other” … aren’t. Or you would already be a couple. When you are ready to stay then you will. Because love is easy when it is love. 🤓

    Reply

    • Love is easy when it is love – oh my gosh i love that so much. thank you for sharing that with me. And what an interesting thing to consider – I think you’re right, I’m getting ready to stay 🙂 hugs xo

      Reply

      • I accept truth from whatever source it may come from. I used to identify as Christian. But not anymore. I accept truth from whatever source it may come from, be it Hindu, Buddhist, Christian, Evangelical, even Mormon, or science, politick.

        You remind me of the merchant seeking goodly pearls of Matthew 13 in your guy-search. As also, the mustard seed. Anorexia isn’t a tremendous topic to build your-size blog around. But you did it. Wonderfully. I don’t believe in showing all my cards, either. But a few, yes, to keep life’s game running. I’m a fatalist, though. My cards aren’t usually much more than Death, Suicide, and Darkness. But good luck with your boy hunt. In my mid-to late- 20’s, I was also in a search for a special friend of the opposite sex, to have sex. It was a little frustrating at times. But it all worked out. I hope you don’t beat yourself up over this. I don’t think you do, or do you? You’re a very good writer. Very entertaining. If you really are looking for something, I suppose you’ll probably find it. Life has a way of giving later than you expect, but sooner than you think. That’s how its balance is achieved acceptably.

        I’m not a Christian, anymore. I used to be. But now it feels like a lifetime ago. Christ gave me things that I thought I could never find elsewhere, and I tried to stand on his side, until my eyes were opened, and I realized that people used him as a “crutch” to explain away any behavior evil in nature, no matter how hurtful, offensive, abusive, unkind, unruly, or just flat-out wrong. That’s why I turned away from him. His so-called followers were nothing like his books claimed they should be. It looked like Apostasy.

        Now, I have no place among them. Every time I tried, they’d simply drive me out. I was an avid learner. My questions/comments were always unwelcome as like with you. You rejected them as well. But I choose now to leave rather than shut up.

        I trust in my dreams more than in Christians. The group I participated in had leaders called Bishops. They were local, leading week-by-week meetings Sundays. I think the split between myself and them happened over health, when my bishop opposed a lengthy fast, and I went through with it, anyway. He was so adamant that I shouldn’t do it. I hated that. He was so adamant that he knew what was best for me, but I knew that he didn’t. And, yes, I missed teaching my institute class over that and at the same time lost several students, that afternoon when I should have taught the class of the day of trying to end the fast. That afternoon, I got hiccups, which turned to vomiting. I vomited out my stomach of food after about three or four rounds. After that, the cycle continued: Hiccups, vomit. Hiccups, vomit. The vomit was dry-heaving instead of vomiting. That continued throughout the night a continual cycle with no breaks. I was exhausted and beside myself. By 1:30 am, there was no way I was going to sleep. My wife whom I had married, looked on-line and read about a paper-bag solution. She had prayed and found an answer to that prayer. Her prayers have power. Mine don’t. They did when I was a boy, but not now. I did as I supposed to–breath into the paper bag. The bag stopped the hiccups. And there was no more dry-heaving. Just a long day that now I remember that then I wondered whether I would or not I could endure through it. I felt a breach from the leadership LDS Christian at the time. In my mind, I should have control, decision over my health. I should have choice. A religion trying to impose an iron fist does not feel like religion at all. I survived. That’s all I care about. AND, I did things my way. I don’t expect anyone to tell me how to live, even if it be religious, pious, or “holy” people. I don’t believe their words unless it resonates in me.

        This antagonism I felt toward you when I first read your blog. I was not interested at all. Your viewpoints seemed cheap, shallow, and overly indulged in vanity. I still feel this way, although to a lesser degree than then. But at the same time, the way you write is nice, I don’t agree with anything you say, but it does have a certain appeal or charm to it. If life is not an unending ultra-marathon, I don’t know what it is. And at that, the first marathoner died at the completion of his run. I envy him. I want to die. I envy the dead.

  45. You are so right sister, knowing how open to be is such a hard balance! I need so much wisdom from God here. So thankful He loves us through the brokenness, because otherwise that brokenness is easily one of the things I’ve seen and know can destroy people the most. 🙁

    Reply

  46. Being the “one that got away” to becoming the one who “gives a little away” — wow. Just awesome! I can tell you I’ve been in and out of those type of situations, and I’m really sorry you had to endure all of that in one weekend! But you see, God allowed you to, because He knew you could handle it now 🙂

    Stay positive sis! You’ve got this! I’m excited to see what God has next for you. Take it easy! <3

    Reply

  48. Ladies, playing “hard to get” is not a good strategy if he’s a guy who’s good. He’s going to interpret that to mean that you’re not (romantically) interested in him. He may want to continue pursuing you, but unless he is convinced that you dig him, he will back off in effort to respect your lack of reciprocation, and he may move on.

    Reply

  49. I used to do think about “the one that got away” until I weighed in on the negative reasons for why it wouldn’t work. They are gone for a reason! Don’t waste your time on a boy who obviously did not care enough to stay Either you dumped them or they dumped you for good reasons. Try to remember that and dry those tears girl! They aren’t worth your tears anymore. <3 Hugs!

    Reply

    • Thank you so much for this thoughtful reflection, Stiina. You’re so right! They aren’t worth the tears! They would have fought harder if we were supposed to be together. that is a great perspective. big hugs xo

      Reply

  50. Perhaps these three were meant as a wake up call, as you said. You have already put your trust in God, so you are on the right path. I have faith you learn whatever lesson was meant and will find more happiness each day.

    Reply

  51. Hi sister
    I know that feeling…from the other side. Those that got away. The one three years ago who could have been. And it’s not fun and pretty f&^#$% depressing at times. (hug)
    But the advice I would offer comes from a person who has been through more than I have and who has very sound advice ” Trust the slow work of God. ” Yes, Late Bloomer, it wasn’t something you needed to do to win those guys because…..they weren’t your guys (all together or just one). Your guy is still out there. Maybe in Ohio, maybe in NYC, maybe on the next vacation. But you ARE worth loving and ARE worth letting someone in and ARE loved by God who will carry you through these times.
    Smile, breathe, and enjoy the weekend
    xoxo

    Reply

    • Aw, Jeff, thank you so much. I’m sorry that you can relate on such a personal level. Thank you for such kind words. They have truly touched my heart tonight, and affirmed me. so thank you with all my heart! have a beautiful weekend x

      Reply

  52. If any of these young men were the one you’re supposed to spend your life with, you would still be together. He would’ve won your trust eventually. Whoever is referring to you as the one who got away is cruel…maybe not intentionally, but they are implying there’s something wrong with you because you’re still single. God’s okay with you being single right now. He has things for you to do first…like healing from e.d. and learning to truly love yourself as you are right here and now so you have more to give to that special someone when he finally does come along. You’re not the one who got away. You’re the one they let get away because they didn’t care enough to wait until you were ready to stay.

    Reply

    • Thanks so much for this thoughtful response. You’re so right – the one I’m supposed to end up with – I won’t be able to miss. And you’re right, we never can fully understand God’s timing but we can trust that it’s always perfect and for a reason. thanks for stopping by. big hugs ox

      Reply

  53. Oh Caralyn,
    Old married lady here, inching up on the 25 year mark in about 5 months. Their regret is not for you to hold onto. Whether they realized it or not they put the entire burden of openness and vulnerability on you. Something held you back from being vulnerable with them, from entrusting the care of your heart to each one of these guys. Trust that, whether it is recognized as such or not, you were listening to the Holy Spirit, knowing that these guys for reasons not known in that moment, were not the One for you.
    One of my favorite readings from the options for the Mass is from Corinthians 13, Love is Patient, Love is Kind…
    So, when I was in my early late teens I dated a guy just before I left to go do some volunteer work. We wrote letters to each other and in one he said something that told me NO! in very clear terms. Within about 2 hours the whole thing was off. This was not the right guy for me. By listening in that moment, and giving myself the space to mature, and grow I met the guy who is right for me. Who builds me up. Who listens to me. Who cares for me. Who reminds me I am loved by God, and by himself. A man who when I’m being hard on myself calls me out, because Love.

    Reply

    • Hi Teri, oh thank you so much for this heartfelt response. Wow! 25 years, that is so beautiful. Congratulations! You’re right, the right guy will easily make himself known to be right. I just have to trust that and trust my instincts. Thanks again. Hugs and love xox

      Reply

  55. Hey there 3B! First, I think you’re on to something here… Stick with it. 👍👍👍 Second, thank you very much for the barrage of likes on my blog today. After a long break it was nice to see you as one of the peeps lighting up my phone with all those likings. It means a lot. 👌👌👌

    Reply

  56. “Being “the one who got away,” involves the choice of going away. Involves the decision to run. To turn away. Close off. Say no.”
    Yes! I was that girl!
    This makes that saying sting!
    Keep your heart soft. That’s all. 😊

    Reply

  58. This entire post hit me to the core!
    I hate being vulnerable but I also hate thinking “what could have been.” It’s the most difficult thing for me to open up to people when I’m terrified of what will happen and terrified of the rejection that MIGHT ensue. But I know the one thing I have to do is just dive right in.

    Reply

  59. I feel you. Have been in the same boat. Take care. There is a balance between waiting for God’s man for you and going and grabbing a man of God. We have work to do but God knows best. So travel the balance beam with care and in prayer and God will do the rest, beautiful!! 🙂 ❤ ❤

    Reply

  60. Found the help thought you may like it too. Suzy.
    Hi there!

    > Would you let me know how to delete the Categories I do not use. I was over zealous when I first began and realize they are not needed.

    Certainly. Here are the steps:

    1. Navigate to My Site > Settings.

    2. In the Settings area, click on the “Writing” tab.

    3. Here, you will see the top item is titled Categories. Click on that.

    4. You can click the 3 dots next to a category title, then click Delete to remove it.

    Here’s the quick link to this page where you can edit the categories:

    https://wordpress.com/settings/taxonomies/category/thoughtsonlinedot.blog

    Reply

  61. I have been in a place where I knew that a man had feelings for me, yet chose to be in a relationship with someone else. Any man who continues to look at a woman such an unguarded way while being in a relationship with someone else is definitely the wrong man. This man is now married, and I hope for his sake (and his wife’s, too) that he is happy; however, I have a sneaking suspicion that if I walked into the room, he would look at me in much the same way.

    I can honestly tell you that the experience with this man made me feel incredibly uncomfortable and had me questioning myself on so many fronts. Any man who makes you feel this way is definitely not worthy of you – Christian or not!

    Here is my view (but not yet my experience): A man who is worthy of you will never let you go. Never. An unworthy man will, though.

    Reply

    • Thank you so much for sharing this. You’re so right, a worthy man will never let you go – that is so so true. Thanks again for the encouragement and insight. Big hugs xox

      Reply

  63. your “battle” between playing hard to get and giving your heart some more voice, between letting up your defenses and embracing a little more of vulnerability, and your experiences with all of them too. Your post has gotten me thinking(and I sincerely appreciate you for that); where exactly do we draw the line between this seemingly different approaches to relationships and to live in general? when exactly does either hard-to-get or vulnerability as the case may be, become detrimental to us, and how do we know when to draw the line? All the same, nice post. I enjoyed it.
    TRUTH ZOMBIE

    Reply

  64. I like to view life in the sense God knows what is best. Scripture says God will work to the good of those who believe/trust in Him. Meaning, even when we weren’t ready, even if we had to learn the hard way, God will use those experiences, and hardships, for His glory, for our edification, and our perspective. He crafts us into a someone better, humbler, and made prepared for the situation, and the next someone. I believe there is a reason in everything, and God seems to uphold this. I believe He adjusts to our mistakes. He reaches out. Knocks us on the head a few times, as you say :), and tells us, “Hey, wake up!” But then gently smiles as us and says, “Child, I’m still here. There is still much ahead. Don’t fret. Don’t look back. Keep walking forward. I’m with you.”

    Always,
    T. R. Noble

    Reply

    • Hi TR! That is such a comforting perspective. you’re so right – God will work everything out for good, all we have to do is trust Him and let Him work! And yes, i think you’re right – He adjusts to our mistakes — also a very comforting thought! hugs xo

      Reply

  65. I can so relate – I used to be a ‘one’ for many years. It takes a lot to nurture a true partnership with another human being. It worked out best for me – good thing I’d gotten away! Because when I was ready, I made a lifelong commitment to an incredible man. It sounds like you’re inspired to see how the universe unfolds – good luck!

    Reply

  66. My dating life in NYC did not go far… For one date, my car was stolen the night before. She lived in White Planes. Oh, well. Another turned out to be rather Zionist, which is fine, but I lacked a certain heritage that she would expect to go with that belief system. A third spent the summer on a bicycle challenge across the USA. Now that’s a long way to go do get away from romance! 😜 Needless to say, I found companionship elsewhere (how’s the checking the driver’s license for Ohio registration going?) – Oscar

    Reply

    • Oh my gosh that’s awful that your car was stolen! Oh gosh that’s terrible. Wow sounds like you had quite an interest go of it! Haha eeeh not good😂😂😂 to enamored with the east coast types 😂 thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

      Reply

      • Though the relationship came to a sudden stop, I did not mind being relieved of the obligation to move the car nightly because of NYC’s alternate side of the street parking regulations. (The police notified me some months later that my car, or what was left of it, was impounded for past due parking tickets. I sent them a copy of the police report that I filed and refused to pay).

  67. I’ve been in your shoes/chair having that conversation, but you put words to the feelings that I never could. Thank you. And good luck to you

    Reply

  68. This was so well written 🙂 the mess of something I have been torn with as well. Though I do believe that everything happens for a reason and maybe being the one that got away, makes you someday strong enough to stay in something that is right for you.

    We do heard that timing is everything. These undefined romantic feeling are a burden. The “what ifs” are burning. But if you have the belief that there is a reason that everything happens and someday you will see it, just hold on now.

    Reply

  71. Thank you for your post.. It takes courage to share things at such a person level. When I read that I could feel your pain, but know that God knows best, and like God did in my life He can do in yours.
    Reach out to me when you have a moment.. I would love to pray with you, maybe share my testimony.

    Rob Lavallee
    http://www.scripturalseeds.org

    Reply

  72. Your piece is beautiful. Opening up yourself is risky, but a lot of good times will also pass you by if you close up. In most cases, you have more rewards than regrets.
    Thanks for loving my post. I love your writing style and envy your skills.

    Reply

    • Thanks david, yeah it was a bit of a tough evening. my parents got a 4am phone call with me just sobbing….yikes. all good now. God is just trying to work on my heart. 🙂 hugs xo

      Reply

  74. Extremely well written… In fact, you are one of the more influential writers who indirectly freshens up my own style!

    Now I’m going to say something that might tick you off. Maybe I’ve just become jaded from the years but sometimes methinks you have a slightly rose-tinted view of relationships.

    Or maybe I just haven’t found that perfect one you talk about. But seriously… is anyone a perfect fit other than God?

    Reply

    • Oh my gosh, thank you so much! that is kind of you to say! haha, yeah, i think you’re right about that – i think I do have a rose colored view of them – but then I grew up surrounded by incredible examples of Christ-centrered marriages. My parents have been married for 42 years, and my brothers both have wonderful marriages, so I guess I have been spoiled by such good examples. But you’re right, no relationship is perfect and marriage takes work. Thanks again for your kind words. big hugs xox

      Reply

      • lol… you make me laugh (in a warm way). You’re a great defender of the faith! I always hoped for that perfect, wholesome and loving compatibility. But I’ve changed so much so fast that it was always temporary with lots of forks in the road. My path, maybe… 🙂

  76. I will pray for you. I found that the perfect partner in real daily life was not the perfect partner I had in my mind, and I thank God every day for that saving grace. God’s plans are always better than mine.

    Reply

  77. Guarding your heart is not necessarily a bad thing. For every piece of yourself that you did not give away to those men, you have safely reserved it for your future mate. I have never regretted saving my whole heart for my husband. I just read a beautiful quote by Max Lucado. It’s quite profound. “A woman’s heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.” As you seek God and allow yourself to be vulnerable with Him, he will bring the man into your life that you have been saving those pieces of your heart for. If you focus on God and leave this desire in His hands, then “what is to come,” will be greater than “what could have been.”

    “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11

    So as you set out to make yourself more open and vulnerable, just remember to reserve the deepest most intimate parts of yourself for the man who is willing to hold them forever. Sorry, if I got a little preachy there, 😉 I have six kids, three of whom are daughters, and I pray this for them someday. 🙂 Also, I just want to let you know, that your blog is beautiful and your testimony is powerful. God is using you, and I appreciate you stopping by and liking my blog, as well. God bless you. 🙂

    Reply

    • Thanks Angie. You’re right, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. And wow, I love that perspective. thank you for sharing it with me. I really appreciate your kind words and encouragement. big hugs xo

      Reply

  78. I have had the flipside experience, the feeling of really wanting to ask someone out, but being too shy to say anything until it was too late, for one reason or another. I’m a very shy person and this has happened to me a lot over the years. I haven’t dated very much and I still get very nervous about dating and probably say the wrong thing a lot of the time on dates. I’m trying to go out there and open up to women in a healthy way, but it’s hard.

    Lately I’ve been on a few blind dates (this is the norm in the Orthodox Jewish community to which I belong) which has the advantage (for a shy person like me) that I don’t have to ask someone out, but it has the disadvantage that I get put in a room with a total stranger and have to talk to her for an hour or two without making a fool of myself or coming on too strong or not strong enough… it’s hard!

    I try to tell myself that God has a plan for me and I should just trust Him (even if the plan is for me to stay single, it’s for the best), but I find that hard too. I have faith but not trust, if you appreciate the distinction. I have faith that God exists, but it’s hard to trust that whatever happens to me is for the best.

    Reply

    • Thanks so much for sharing this. Oh gosh, I’ve never been on a blind date, but you’re awesome for doing that! you’ve got quite some courage! Yes, we’ve got to trust that! thanks for stopping by! big hugs xox

      Reply

  79. I feel for your situation. In today’s culture, in particular, it’s tricky to know how to navigate these relationship issues. May the Lord grant you the right balance in taking the risk to love and trust someone, but not chasing after someone because you feel needy. Let God’s love and presence fill your heart, then follow his leading in your relationships. I don’t think you can go wrong with that!

    Reply

  81. Wow girl incredible and so eloquently written and I have had the same feeling with exes lately thank goodness of course they have not moved on yet but I can totally relate.

    Reply

  82. hey i just wanted to share a song by casting crowns with you, after having personal troubles with relationships that I have only recently found answers to I find this song quite close to the heart and although the first time I listened to it it made me a bit sad, I now know every time I listen to it I am able to rejoice in God’s plan that every time we have our shattered dreams, it’s because God can give us something greater than what we dreamt for.

    You should give it a listen… could become a favourite song who knows lol.

    Reply

    • Oh wow thank you so much. I absolutely love it! I really appreciate you sharing it with me. You’re right- God can and will give us something greater. Hugs and love xox

      Reply

  86. Ok so I am sure that you have heard these same remarks in the comments section of this very post. You are absolutely right in everything that you said – BUT you or they weren’t ready for one reason or another. Remember – God can see down the road and around the corner. It is a good thing that you guard your heart. You only have one and when it gets broken – It Sucks!!!!! It will never fully repair but it will leave this scar in its place that will always be a reminder. You may never really know that it is there until you are put into a situation where a memory will ignite and irritate it.Let yourself enjoy life and when that relationship come – you will know. Rely on your Beliefs, never settle and love yourself first.

    Reply

    • Thank you so much for this thoughtful response. you’re so right – it wasn’t right for one reason or another and God *can* see down the road. I have to trust that! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

      Reply

  87. Oh my goodness- i scrolled for ‘hours’ before i could post this. I”m heartened that so many had words of encouragement and empathy . I’m the same- we’ve all been in the same boat at some time or other. Thank you for sharing.
    My two cents: God’s time is the best. “Forever”- is a long time, so its gotta be right.

    Reply

  88. Sounds like you had an epiphany! Go for it girly! You might feel vulnerable opening your heart but someone will see just how beautiful that heart is and your story will begin…❤

    Reply

  89. It’s so scary to allow oneself to be loved and to love in return. And yet, it can open the door to amazing adventures. Perhaps it might help to remember that you are inside out lovely, intrinsically love-worthy, and certainly loved already. Staying grounded in that truth may help you to be more open to love.
    Of course, if that doesn’t work, consider this approach… https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating

    Reply

    • Thanks Brad. You’re right, I’ve got to stay grounded in that truth, because it leads to freedom 🙂 ooh! A Ted talk! I can’t wait to take a listen! Thanks for passing it along 🙂 Hugs and love xox

      Reply

  90. Oh, girl, I have BEEN there! I hear ya, every word. I’m not going to be one of those people who says, “Just stop looking for love, and love will come to you when you least expect it,” because that always got on my nerves. But I will say this: when I started opening up and enjoying myself in dating (reasonably, of course, and not compromising myself), that’s when I ended up in a great relationship. Not to sound like an infomercial, but we’re getting married next month! God is definitely in control. You keep following His lead, and He’ll put you exactly where you need to be, even when it seems like He’s taking too long. Go get ’em!

    Reply

    • Thank you so much Monica. What a kind thing to say. Glad you can relate. You’re so right – God is in control! And congrats on your wedding! That’s so exciting!!! Hugs and love xox

      Reply

  91. I read this post earlier, but (for some reason) I couldn’t find the like button/star.

    Then, just a moment ago, I realized that I wasn’t following you, yet. Thought I was…

    Anyway, I enjoyed reading your post and the honesty therein.

    Reply

  93. Well done!!! I think it sounds like you’re oon the right path 😉 … I totally agree that sometimes you get to see/notice the patterns that God is trying to get a message through to You! Not easy .. but if you can ride that wave, the rest can be -a bit of- a breeze. #hopingforu #nowinmyprayers

    Reply

  94. This was a good read. I’m glad that you’ve realized this. Many girls around here don’t and as a result have remained single and alone. And now since they’re known for being so “hard to get” almost know one bothers to approach them. It’s kind of depressing. In essence it’s like Karma finally coming back around but way worse. I’ve been a victim to quite a few people like that except I didn’t go on to find someone else, I just stopped opening up as well. And now it’s hard for me to get into anything serious. I literally don’t even know how I’d go about a relationship now. I know there’s a big feminist movement going on but sometimes females cause some pretty bad damage. I’m sorry that you’re going through this but this did help me. It’s just proof that there is some type of divine judgement for this. That probably sounds like a back handed compliment but none of this was directed at you personally, just a disclaimer. Lol

    Reply

  96. Its okay to the be “the one that got away”. Gd has something different in store for you. Sometimes we try to…i guess the word I’m looking for is grieve for the relationships that “could have been”, but only God knows what could have been. And perhaps those could have beens wouldnt be as good as what He has planned. Yes, you may have made mistakes. We all do. No relationship is perfect.
    I will offer this:
    When you do run into to that one who could be the one, ask God about it first. See what he says. If He gives you the go ahead take it slow. Take your time. You don’t have to pour out your soul to every man/person you may court or find and interest in. Sometimes that hurts us more especially when God says “no”, or “maybe not right now”. Sometimes He may want you to share one thing with that person, but there are things that when you’re married you may wish you had saved just for him. Your little secrets you have together. Just the two of you. Its special, and a special bond.
    Yes do be vulnerable and real. Especially with people who may counsel you, or help you, or just give you good, godly advice you need in the moment.
    But save the good stuff for the one.
    Don’t let satan beat you with the could have beens because God has something better. He has so much more.

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    • Thank you so much for this thoughtful response. You’re so right – save the good stuff for the One. And amen – God *does* have something good in store. I believe that. Hugs and love xox

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  97. I’ve been sitting in this same headspace for a long time. Rather having to look and say it’s time to walk away. I’ve expressed interest she’s shown a lack thereof and I can’t keep nurturing a one- sided love-affair. Yet at the same time, if women really want to play hard to get how do I know I’m not walking away a little too soon.

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    • So glad you can relate! You’re right, sometimes you’ve just got to find someone who is willing to reciprocate. Games are so awful and a waste of time for all involved. There’s a girl out there who is deserving of you!! Don’t lose hope 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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    • thank you so much 🙂 The Little Prince…I’ve not read the book or seen the movie! i’ll have to check it out. thanks for passing it along! big hugs xo

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  99. If you are the one that got away they let you go too. Rightly or worryingly it’s the way it is. I think many people look back and realise lost opportunities. I don’t buy into this bullshit of there’s something better for you because that’s not always the case and can lead you to make bad choices.
    Be content with you and don’t be afraid to let someone in, but don’t be afraid to let them go if they’re bad for you. You deserve someone special 😊

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  100. Sometimes, we make mistakes. It’s not the end of us.
    That said, love is about trust, and clearly something in you did not trust them. It could be your own character issue, however, I am a firm believer things happen in steps.
    There’s a verse in Song of Solomon that says Do not awaken love before it’s time. You didn’t rush and jump in. Running away meant you weren’t ready, and that’s ok. Now that you are, God can work with that without having to fight to position you. Now, get in the position to do the work and be worked on.

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    • wow you are on a reading roll!! I think you’re right – i’ve got to get in position to do the work and be worked on. i love that thought so much. thanks for sharing that wisdom with me 🙂 xoxo

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  101. I really dig this BLOG. Yup, He does — He keeps at you until you get it right — you’re smart you know that about Him — many people don’t, and they go through their entire life miserable and full of unanswered questions that haunt them.

    It’s good that you opened up a bit to those guys that deserve you. Of course, within proper amounts and time. You will know the amount and time as you get to know the guy. You’ve conquered the big step — the importance of be honest with yourself, knowing your short-coming, and addressing it.

    I always believe that I be the best BF I can be, that way, when the relationship ends, I have no regrets and can move on the the next. As long as I gave my best to the her and the relationship, I feel groovy and emotionally healthy.

    I am He is working with you on this — most importantly, I am happy to read your aware of His presence in your life.

    Reply

    • Thanks so much for this awesome perspective, Alfonso. That’s a truly great way to approach relationships. If you can walk away emotionally healthy, then you’re definitely doing something right!! 🙂 How’s the filming going? I’ve been thinking about you and the exciting projects you’ve got in the hopper! hugs xox

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      • Howdy! Thanks. I just finished acting in one awesome feel I really dig cuz it was outside my casting.

        LuLu Land is coming up for auditions, and my manager has you on his radar for audition; so, he will reach out to you once we get into casting.

        You popped in my mind many times — I always wish you well with you and your mum and your present journey — I realize you might be, at times, overwhelmed, which is a good thing — it means growth and strength. He is working with you — it can be tough…I know…I’ve been through it many times in my past, and I going through it right now…trust me, it’s all good!

        Feel free to text me; I will keep you posted with updates on the movie.

        Also, I think you should submit for some stuff I found out about in TV Land. Text me if you’re interested in submitting.

        /s/ Alfonso

      • Thanks again, Alfonso. Yes to all! I’m definitely looking for more opportunities as I transition back to nyc full time in the next couple weeks. And hang in there. I’ll definitely keep you in my prayers 🙂 I’ll shoot ya a text here soon! have a great night!

  102. Its weird seeing a man post about being the one who got away. Thats why i dont. Lol im that guy to several women. Not because i never chose to let love in, but more of because women are the ones to push away. Everything you say here is so true to life. Women push away hard when they see a good thing because they say its too good that it cant be good for them if its so easy. Love should be easy you know? Anyway yeah i feel it from both sides of this spectrum as when ive talked with some women later in life they tell me now, i was the one who got away that couldve made them happy. Life happy. Its wild. But anyway thx for the read it was great!

    Reply

    • Thanks so much for sharing this powerful perspective. You’re right, love should be easy. At least in theory anyway! Thanks for stopping by. Hugs and love xox

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  103. True love is letting someone see the real you — your heart as it were —, not the mask of who we think we should be, that we create for the world to see. The thing that is a bit silly (and we all do it, so don’t think I’m singling you out or attacking you), is why would we want someone to fall in love with who we aren’t? Even if they loved the mask we showed them, it isn’t us, at least not in fullness.

    Love is pain (okay, that is mostly a stolen line from The Princess Bride). You will get hurt more than you have ever known, but that is how you know it is real. There is no love without pain because you have removed your heart and placed it in another’s hands, trusting the other person to handle it gently. Which makes absolutely no sense. But to at least fully steal another line from The Princess Bride, “Love is many things, none of them logical.”

    Let someone into that castle you built to try and protect yourself. Pull down the bricks. The walls become our tombs, and while you will never be hurt within them, you will become a corpse: safe and dead. I know it made sense to build them at one time; I built more than enough of my own in life, but there is a time to build and time to tear down.

    Don’t give up on the fairy tale yet. No, things don’t work out like in the movies; when we push people away and reject them, they may not come back. But don’t chase someone else’s fairy tale. Don’t try to be the next Belle or Snow White. You are you. Write your own fairy tale with your own prince.

    Let your heart be wild. Let it be free. Give ALL of your heart, or give none of it. As long as you give only a part of your heart, you will only find a part of love.

    Above all, you are worth being loved, and I hope you realize that. Even if you do, it doesn’t hurt to hear it. We have never met, but I am certain of that much just from reading your writings.

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    • This is such a beautiful response. Thank you so much, I am so touched by your kind words. Let my heart be wild and free – I love that. Thanks again for this wonderful encouragement. It gives me so much hope! big hugs xox

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  105. I love this rawness and honesty. Thank you for helping me in my recovery today. I needed to hear this.

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  107. For what it is worth, I thought I had a TOTGA many years ago. She apparently thought I was her TOTGA, too.

    I had let her go when she got engaged to someone else…. A little over three and half years into her marriage, she called me out of the blue and told me I was TOTGA. The long and short, she got divorced, we got together, had two beautiful girls together, experienced life’s ups and downs, and during a major down (leaving a horrible job) she asked me for a divorce just shy of our eleven-year anniversary. Turns out, she reached out to her TOTGA #2, who she recently wed.

    Telling you all this because it’s not, in my opinion, always a TOTGA situation especially when your TOTGA is married.

    Had I thought long and hard, listened to others and prayed about whether or not her coming back into my life was part of God’s plan for me, I might have avoided a lot of troubles and pain my marriage and divorce caused not only me, but most importantly my children.

    Maybe being someone’s “the one that got away” is a blessing rather than a curse.

    Reply

    • Thanks you so much for sharing this. Gosh I’m so sorry for that roller coaster of emotions. It sounds like you’ve gained a lot of wisdom from that difficult situation. Sending so much love and hugs xox

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