It’s funny how life hits you over the head with some things sometimes.
At least until you get the point.
And let’s just say, I’m nursing a pretty big welt on my noggin from where I’ve been repeatedly struck.
Metaphorically, of course. Although, at this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if it becomes physical, too.
I’m going to say something, and I realize that it’s going to sound a little…well…ugly, and please just take it in the sense that it was meant.
I’ve been told, many times in my life, that I’ve been “the one who got away.”
In fact, one of these ways is in a song you can hear on the radio right now…
But that story’s for another day…
But apparently, that’s the role I’ve been cast in so far in life…the one who got away.
And this weekend, God kinda smacked me upside the head with that.
Three times…One weekend…Face to face with three guys, with whom, I’ve had romantic “undefined/unstatus’d-things” with. Except now, they’re all either in serious relationships or engaged.
God confronted me with that while I’ve been in NYC.
And it didn’t feel so nice.
In fact, I wrote a pretty raw blog post at 4:30am one night, bawling my eyes out, after spending time with that boy, now engaged, and I was going to publish it, but it felt a little too indulgent. Maybe I’ll share it over on Patreon…
But here’s a little glimpse into that headspace:
A big part of me wants to just say, “We could have had it all. It should have been us. I wish you would have known.” I’d take him aside and just bear my soul, tell him that I’ve loved him from Day One and that I’m sad he’s getting married, because I could have made him the happiest man in the world. That we would have been so right. That it was supposed to be us. He knows it. I know it. It’s undeniable.
But I can’t. We cannot be. We will never be.
And I’m sitting here doing all I can to come to terms with that. In a puddle, just trying to say that I trust all that God has in store for me, but I just don’t know how, because this hurts so much.
And so I’ll put on a stoic face, and tell you how f%@#ing happy I am for you, and see the longing in your eyes, knowing that we will never be.
I told you…it was raw.
I have lived hard and fast by the rule that a lady should never show her cards. Keep her heart close to her chest, and for the love of all things good, play hard to get. But you know what? That has gotten me nowhere.
And in fact, this weekend, I have been shown just how detrimental that’s been. How regressive. How hindering.
I’ve been barricading my heart from letting someone in.
And it’s time I stop.
Don’t do that no mo’.
I’m not talking about running around and giving my heart [or body for that matter] to any boy who gives me butterflies. But it’s time to start giving my heart a voice.
And not just on a blog.
I’m talking, in the flesh, in a vulnerable conversation where real feelings and reputations are at stake.
I don’t want to look across the room at a guy, and hold that longing look of – we could have been right for each other, but now it’s too late.
Because that look, it doesn’t feel good. Sucks for everyone involved.
Being “the one who got away,” involves the choice of going away. Involves the decision to run. To turn away. Close off. Say no.
And maybe that makes a great plotline for a romantic chick flick, with Prince Charming running after his damsel in destress. But the fact is, life is not a movie and guys don’t like rejection. Even if it isn’t overtly so.
Perhaps I’ve had these three interactions this weekend to show that, it’s time I start saying “Yes.” Time I start opening up. Showing my cards.
Because what they don’t tell you, is the “the one who got away,” is moreoftenthannot alone.
I don’t pretend to know a lot of things, but one thing I do know, is that God will keep trying to get a message through to you until it clicks.
And I guess it took these three run-ins with past flames to show me that if I want love, I have to allow it to happen. Express how I feel and let someone get close to me, and perhaps…be a little more deliberate in that department.
Long and short: I have to give a little.
Give a little more of my heart.
That sounds like it should be a Gloria Estefan song.
I guess I’ll just leave you with that 🙂
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