Permission to Let Go

Well, I just finished my book.

I’ll hold for applause.

Juuuuuust kidding. 🙂 Although, it is exciting, and I did a little happy dance last night to some Broadway show tunes to commemorate the occasion.

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But it’s been really interesting to have to go back. To put myself back in that place, ten years ago, when I was going to inpatient for my anorexia. Which, wouldn’t you know, upon my entrance, I was in denial that I even had an eating disorder at all, and was adamant that I wasn’t anorexic.

And as I’ve been writing, I’ve realized just how much I am not that girl anymore. I can barely even recognize myself. And I’m not just talking about the glaringly obvious physical transformation. The truth is, I barely recognize my heart.

But it’s been really powerful – and monstrously difficult – to mentally go back and think about what I would say to that girl. What I would say to that girl who is hurting. Angry. Alone. Terrified. Anxious. Exhausted. Defeated. What would I say to her, who is at the absolute lowest point in her life?

What would get through to her? Because honestly, what I needed to hear is not exactly “first date” conversation. It took an intense intervention, with a close family friend getting two inches away from my nose, looking me dead in the eyes, saying, “Do you know what you’re doing to your father?” But that’s a story for another day.

What I’ve come to realize, while writing this book and simultaneously caring for my mom during her stroke recovery, is that I think sometimes, we’re looking for permission to let go of something that is bad for us.

Which sounds incredibly simple.

But I think we all can find ourselves at one point or another with a death grip on something that is – either blatantly or conspicuously – destructive. Something that gives us a false sense of control. A distorted sense of comfort.

Sometimes we’re desperate for someone to tell us that it’s okay to let it go.

Because it’s scary to let go of what’s been sustaining us. Giving up that which has been our way to cope with the world. Manage our fear and anxiety. Give us purpose. We ruthlessly protect it, even if it’s bad for us. Perhaps, especially if it’s bad for us.

We let go, and then what? We’re in a free fall? We’ve lost control. What will become of us? Life will be unbearable. How can I give up that which has been keeping me ‘alive?’

But what we don’t respect, is that all the striving and the hanging-on-for-dear-life we’re doing, is exhausting. We’re desperately tired and worn, but that absolute need for control and fear-management, it overrides that exhaustion.

We need someone to give us permission to let it go.

Because, if we really look inside our hearts, we’ve been looking for that permission all along.

The thing is, I am not the person who has the authority to tell anyone that. Sure, I may suggest it and present the life-changing ramifications of a life let go. But ultimately, that comes down to her and God.

She’s got to trust that He’s going to catch her. She’s got to trust that He will become that life source, that comfort, that sustenance for her. She has to deem Him dependable.

 It’s been so interesting to be writing this book here. In this time. During this season of regrowth and renewal for my mom after her stroke in December. Because there are nights when I realize that everything I’ve been writing, it’s as though it were written just for my mom, too.

We’re all recovering from something.

And we all are somewhere in the process of relinquishing the control that we’re clinging to, and trusting that the Father will truly have our best interest at heart.

It’s a delicate balance.

And a maneuver that takes a lifetime to come to fruition.

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I’m finding myself still working on that give-and-take, that push-and-pull with God over control. Except this time, it’s not about weight gaining supplements and meal plans, but things like, future plans, not fearing my current place in life, worries about finding love. The things of a typical 20-something-home-assisting-her-mother’s-stroke-recovery.

So what would I say?

Going back to that scared, hurting girl on the precipice of the most grueling and frightening fight for her life?

He’s got you. Let Him have you.

And perhaps, I need to hear that too.

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Sometimes, what we hold onto – what we’re afraid of letting go – is actually prohibiting us from being free.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

350 thoughts on “Permission to Let Go

  1. Congratulations on finishing your book! I know first hand how vulnerable you feel writing a book that deals with past pains. Praying God uses it to direct ladies to the hope and freedom found in Jesus!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Congratulations. I am so very glad you have finished your book. It has been hectic here for some months as I have moved house, but one theme that has cropped up repeatedly in my mind, particularly when the pains of furniture moving etc. kicked in, is Jesus’ strange question to the paralytic man at the Bethesda pool, ‘Do you want to be healed?’ My first reaction is ‘What? Of course he did/I do!’ but on reflection, we sometimes play to the gallery, even more perhaps when that gallery is ourselves (the gasps, the slightly exaggerated limp!) . Possibly that is just me, but you really put it in perspective saying how we need permission to let go of our suffering. Oh, we do! Thank you so much for all you write, I have been otherwise occupied for so long now that to come back to your news was delightful. I look forward to buying my copy. You write well, any editor you choose will have an easy job.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is so sad and so beautiful. I think you do have authority to help people change their lives. Loss and pain and struggle leave you so empty. My writing is more tongue and cheek, but yours gets right to the heart of it. Congrats to you for being so brave. Women need to hear a voice like yours. 🙏

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ah how your words are always very true. the Truth- God. I suffer from a mental illness- and a hard part of my progress/my “Homework” is letting go! and how easy it can seem to those not struggling- “just let go!” and although I still slip up, and often forget for awhile, I always go back to what my mother has always taught me “Let go and Let God” and my other go to (which has really helped me these days with some family issues)– “put your worries in God’s hands. just take them off your chest and he will embrace them” and it honestly works!!! it removes that overwhelming feeling!

    Anyway- congrats on finishing your book- what an achievement in itself! XOXOX

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh, dear! God does act in mysterious ways, doesn’t He? I can’t believe I decided to read this particular entry on your blog. It was as if God was talking to me. I know you read my last entry on my own blog, the one about faith and divorce. I saw you gave it a like (thank you, by the way.) So I know you know what I’m talking about. I have to trust. I have to believe He’s got me and that I have to, no, I need to let Him have me, catch me, take me in His hands and arms and take control.

    I think the problem with us is fear. Fear of the unknown. We fear to such a point that we rather cling to the little control we think we have because it is a known thing for us. We rather keep doing what we are or may be doing, even if it’s bad for us, because at least we know what we are dealing with. The minute we let go, we lose that false sense of control and it’s scary.

    This is the very reason why abuse victims stay in the abusive relationship in the first place. (There are many other reasons, but the main one is fear.) They don’t know how life can be outside the abusive relationship. So they stay because at least, they’ve learnt how to live under thise circumstances. But seeking help, walking out, not knowing where to go or how to go it’s scary.

    I think I’m starting to believe in small miracles, such as finding a blog entry loke yours, a flitting word spoken here or there, a randomly tuned radio station with some unknown host that seems to have walked your walk, the store employee you casually start to talk to while she is bagging your groceries and shares an experience that only you van relate and understand, the priest at Mass who gets completely off the tangent during the sermon and starts talking about some random topic that might be random to those in the congregation but it’s not random to you, the little tap your 2-year old gives you on your back as if saying “mommy, don’t worry, everything will be alright and I got you, so don’t cry,” as if your 2-yr old would be the adult and not you… all those little miracles are actually God’s doings. I have to believe that. I need to believe that. And that had to be the doings of a loving God, not a God full of wrath. There’s hope after all and it can be found in the most unthinkable places.

    Thank you, BeautyBeyondBones! You’re God sent, at least to me you are.

    Isn’t it amazing where our paths can lead us? Hadn’t you had anorexia and hadn’t I had to go through divorce, we would have probably not been in here, writing blogs, and we wouldn’t be sharing these words.

    Thank be to God. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this thoughtful response. I’m so glad that this struck a chord with you. amen! We need to let Him catch us! And you’re so right – fear is such a controlling emotion. We need to trust in a loving God. And amen for miracles. I fully believe in them too! And it’s true, God will work all things for good and bring it all full circle. thanks again for stopping by and for sharing your heart. big big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh, dear! God does act in mysterious ways, doesn’t He? I can’t believe I decided to read this particular entry on your blog. It was as if God was talking to me. I know you read my last entry on my own blog, the one about faith and divorce. I saw you gave it a like (thank you, by the way.) So I know you know what I’m talking about. I have to trust. I have to believe He’s got me and that I have to, no, I need to let Him have me, catch me, take me in His hands and arms and take control.

    I think the problem with us is fear. Fear of the unknown. We fear to such a point that we rather cling to the little control we think we have because it is a known thing for us. We rather keep doing what we are or may be doing, even if it’s bad for us, because at least we know what we are dealing with. The minute we let go, we lose that false sense of control and it’s scary.

    This is the very reason why abuse victims stay in the abusive relationship in the first place. (There are many other reasons, but the main one is fear.) They don’t know how life can be outside the abusive relationship. So they stay because at least, they’ve learnt how to live under thise circumstances. But seeking help, walking out, not knowing where to go or how to go it’s scary.

    I think I’m starting to believe in small miracles, such as finding a blog entry like yours, a flitting word spoken here or there, a randomly tuned radio station with some unknown host that seems to have walked your walk, the store employee you casually start to talk to while she is bagging your groceries and shares an experience that only you van relate and understand, the priest at Mass who gets completely off the tangent during the sermon and starts talking about some random topic that might be random to those in the congregation but it’s not random to you, the little tap your 2-year old gives you on your back as if saying “mommy, don’t worry, everything will be alright and I got you, so don’t cry,” as if your 2-yr old would be the adult and not you… all those little miracles are actually God’s doings. I have to believe that. I need to believe that. And that had to be the doings of a loving God, not a God full of wrath. There’s hope after all and it can be found in the most unthinkable places.

    Thank you, BeautyBeyondBones! You’re God sent, at least to me you are.

    Isn’t it amazing where our paths can lead us? Hadn’t you had anorexia and hadn’t I had to go through divorce, we would have probably not been in here, writing blogs, and we wouldn’t be sharing these words.

    Thank be to God. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Amazing! I went through a short period because I moved overnight three states away from where I grew up, I had other very bad experiences, and the stress of it all prompted me to eat like crazy. I gained 50 lbs in a year. Then I realized it was because I wasn’t giving ANYTHING to God. I was bottling up all this hurt, anger, sadness, and newness to a wonderful place inside. I eventually lost those 50 lbs, but then gained around 20 back recently because of a horrible breakup and bad situation. Once more I found myself not letting go, instead of letting God. Every time I allowed God to be and work in my life, I had self-control and peace. Moral of story, when the Lord is your Father, and you daily choose to seek Him without getting caught up in the things of life, including Him in it all, backsliding is difficult to do when you have God amidst it all. 💙💙

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Seriously your voice and tone on your podcast is amazing! Very well written and communicated! I love how you reflect on the person “you use to be.” Congrats on your book….im inspired!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Thank you for this post. Giving up control and real surrender of your life is hard but must be done for His plan is so much greater than ours. Your lessons have been so valuable to me and I’m sure many many others.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Lesa 🙂 Yes! His plan is the best! and gosh, thank you for kind words. That really means a lot to me. It’s nice to know that they’re hitting home with someone 🙂 You just made my night. big big hugs to you x

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I don’t know whether I mentioned before or not, but for diet issue, use barley with milk stir it to a point where it becomes solid. It will help recover your lost diet in no time.

    But it will take 45 minutes to make it solid. Use it and it will bring you back. And all these thoughts will vanish

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Our fears must challenged even if we need to soak them in tears to give us balance, because our beast thrives in the shadows of our darkness, render it on to the light and fear loses it bite.

    I enjoy reading this, you have a radiant glow to you that come out in your pictures very becoming.

    Like

    1. Thanns sandy, for this thought reflection. You’re so right- render it on to the light and fear loses its bite. Wow what a true statement! Thanks for you kind words. 🙂 Hugs and love xox

      Like

  12. I knew there was a connection between us. As I read more of your posts, I find I’m reading about myself. I suffered with anorexia my first year of college. I’m glad I was able to break the stronghold that had come over me. It was my dad, the one person I thought wouldn’t notice, that called me out of my sickness. Congratulations on finishing your book! I recently finished mine, as well. And yes, I don’t think people understand how difficult it is reliving your past. I grieved for two years–nonstop. Keep up the good work!

    Like

    1. Hi Mari, thanks so much for sharing that. I’m so sorry that we have that in our pasts that connect us, but I’m so glad that we’re both living in freedom! And congrats on your book! You’re right- going back is a difficult difficult thing. Sending massive hugs to ya xox

      Like

  13. You are an amazing being, who has been through a lot of facets of life. I don’t read your posts always, but whenever I do, I love the positivity that you imbibe. Its always an inspiration to come across such human beings as you are. So from another unknown soul somewhere far away, here’s wishing you the best and the strength to hold that positivity for yourself and all those that continue to be inspired by it!

    Like

  14. “we are all recovering from something” – simple words that are so true! It is often the simple words that carry the most weight.
    Thank you so much for being willing to share of yourself. I am excited about your book! Congratulations.

    Like

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