Asking to See

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I don’t know how it got to be today.

How, after being home here for five months after my mother’s stroke, that I am packing up my things to return to NYC.

I’m going to be honest, I haven’t even made it through the socks and underwear yet, and I’ve already cried twice.

I was not expecting this. Returning to New York is supposed to be joyous. Full of celebratory anticipation. And yet, why do I feel my heart is shattering?

fullsizeoutput_3078
I was driving home from getting groceries today when an Audrey Assad song came on: Lead, Kindly Light. And one of the lyrics really stopped me in my tracks:

“Here in the dark, I do not ask to see.”

I rolled that over and over in my mind. And I realized, that’s just what I’ve been doing during my time here at home. Things were dark – I was more scared than I have ever been in my life – unsure as to the permanent toll the stroke was going to have on my mom. I was in the dark. And I realized, that I have not yet asked to see. I haven’t begged or pleaded with God to reveal what it is I’m supposed to learn – What the take away is from all of this. How things are going to turn out. I haven’t. I haven’t asked to see.

I’ve just been blindly trusting that God is going to lead me to where He wants me to go.

Going back to New York, my heart is not at rest. I don’t want to leave my mother. I don’t want to walk away from my family and leave behind this world where things are good, albeit, frightfully different. I know that they will be fine without me here, but what if I’m not.

My heart has changed. My mom’s stroke has changed who I am – what’s important to me. How I want to spend my time.

Maybe I’m just anticipating missing her. Thinking about leaving the comfort and security of my life in Ohio.

Perhaps I’m going to miss taking care of another person.

All I know is that I’m really having a hard time letting go.

And as I’ve walked around with this feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, I’ve begun to  finally realize where it’s really coming from:

I’m afraid of hurting her. 

My mom has been through so much. And is trying her very best to get used to this new state of normal after her stroke, and I know how much she cherishes having me around, and would love me to live here.

And I know that my leaving is going to add another layer of pain to her already burdened heart.

How can I do that to her?

It just breaks me down to think about.

And sitting on the edge of my bed, listening to my mother weep in the other room, while my own silent tears sear down my cheeks, I can’t help but feel I’m making a terrible mistake.

I feel I am betraying my mom, my family. Being uncaring and selfish for going back.

And probably that’s true.

And I guess, God, this is the first time I’m going to have to ask You to see.

Because I am at a loss for words, for thoughts, for direction. I need to know what to do. I’ve gone through this recovery with her with the motto that I’ll know I’m doing the right thing because God will give me peace.

And well, this unrest in my spirit is a big ol’ red flag.

And I know that her saying, “I’m gonna be fine,” is just brave talk from a loving mother.

Lord, help me to know what to do here. You know the love I have for this courageous woman, my lifeblood, my best friend. Show me where I’m supposed to be. What I’m supposed to do. 

Here in the dark, I am finally asking to see.

I guess…to be continued…

________________________________________________________________
Stay Connected!
@beauty.beyond.bones – Instagram

Facebook

Twitter

YouTube

A big thank you to my new sponsor, BetterHelp Online Therapy.  Speak with an online therapist. Or check out content about eating disorders from BetterHelp.

Please check out my affiliate partners! Doing so helps you, and it helps me 🙂 Amazon, Reebok, NatureBox, Sunbasket, WPengine Webhosting, Warby Parker, Masterclass

patreon

Thank you for considering supporting BBB on Patreon! You make this blog possible 🙂

 

 

 

 

Published by

Unknown's avatar

beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

381 thoughts on “Asking to See”

  2. I hope you’ll be fine. Things will be fine at home, toy mum knows you have your life to live. Live it and cherish everyday.
    Oh… Keep smiling and be brave!
    Love and hugs xo ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The very good news is wherever God leads you, He will accompany you. (Said by a woman who left a tenured faculty appointment in Oregon and moved to Connecticut to stay at home! Greatest scariest move ever.)

    Liked by 5 people

  7. I know God will guide your heart to make the right decision. And your peace is very important, for me too that’s always an important sign. The fact that she was crying really touched me. Why not wait a little bit more, and pray a bit more? What’s the worst that can happen if you stay? Will you lose your job? I pray God will show you the way and give you strength to walk therein through Jesus our Lord, Amen. God bless you BBB🌺🌺

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for this kind response. I really appreciate your prayers and encouraging words. Yeah, I feel myself being pulled in that direction. I actually quit my job when I moved home five months ago, so there’s no harm in staying longer. I do have a shoot i have to get back for the first week of June. I just don’t know. thanks for being so wonderful. big hugs xo

      Liked by 1 person

  8. He WILL answer your prayer request. Also, it’s fine to share your prayer about this with you Mom, demonstrating your will to possibly let go of your own vision for your life so that His will is done. Such demonstrates your spiritual maturity and the level of relationship you have with the Father. Just let Him lead, as you’ve indicated; He ensures that you will arrive at all destinations on time via the manner He deems best for everyone.

    God BLESS you!!!😄. All is well!.

    Like

    1. Thank you Fredrick. I really appreciate your thoughtful response You’re so right – I’ve just got to let Him lead. Thanks for stopping by and for this powerful food for thought. big hugs xx

      Like

  9. What a beautiful post. God will guide you. I was thinking of something as I was reading this. Do you remember when you were in NY and talked about what you really wanted in life and wanted to get married? If I remember right you mentioned how NY wasn’t the right kind of place to meet the kind of guy you were looking for. I wonder if there is any acting work in Cleveland or someplace closer? These are just some thoughts I had. Pray more than anything. What does your Dad think? Peace be with you, and your decision.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much. You are so kind to wrap your brain around this with me. Yeah, I actually have an agent here and have gotten some work since I’ve been home. There’s definitely a lot to think about. Yeah, I’ve talked with my dad and he and I are kind of at the same place. looks like we’ve got some more praying to do 🙂 thanks again for your kindness. you are a blessing to me. big hugs xox

      Liked by 2 people

  10. Your heart’s in the right place, Caralyn. I know you’ll get some “light” on this. 🙂 It’s when we don’t ask the questions that we veer off the path we’re to walk on. Also, keep in mind, your heart may not like what you’re supposed to do at all. Especially, when it involves people you love and care about. But you are young, and your life is WAY ahead of you! When not sure, take a step of faith. Btw, faith is spelled R-I-S-K. Like your picture said, if the door’s not open, it’s not open to you. You can always turn around if you find yourself in the wrong direction. 🙂

    Like

    1. Thank you so much Mel, I really appreciate that. That’s really true – nothing is ever final. I can always turn around, just like you said. And I like that – faith is spelled R I S K. amen 🙂 thanks again. big hugs xo

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I used to get the toughest cases of terminally ill patients. There is no great advice. No great plan, I mean, God put us here and we find our way back. Life, then death that’s the deal. I know that darkness though, I would just hold their hand until their time was up. Sometimes they’d cry or cuss and I would just tell them it’s okay. It was enough, sometimes it was all they had left.

    Like

    1. Thanks Kenzie, yeah, there’s never a cut and dry right answer. Except for God. He’s always the right answer 🙂 Sounds like you were a blessing to those people in their time of need. hugs xo

      Like

      1. Yeah thanks, most of them hated me. Haha. I had a good balance of super rich and dirt poor patients. Terminal is not permanent it just meant it would cost too much to fix them. I related to that instantly. I think you should believe your mom. She got a second chance and you have a lot of life to live.

        Like

  14. You’ve said here that you see this move as uncaring and selfish, but is that how your mom sees it? Ask her what she thinks. Ask her to be brutally honest with you. And if she says that it’s not uncaring and selfish, that it’s not a betrayal of her, then the bad feeling you have isn’t about her but about you. In that case, it would be the thoughts in your mind that are driving this bad feeling you have to move back. And in that case, you simply have to have faith that you’re doing the right thing. Actually, I like to say that we only make decisions; whether they’re right or wrong can only be determined in hindsight. For now, just breathe and have faith in the decision you’re making. Whether the decision is right or wrong isn’t the point of making this decision right now. Good luck to you. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Gabriel. This is such a kind reflection. No, she doesn’t see it as that as all. She wants me to live my life — which sounds like the answer right there. That’s very true – we see things 20/20 in hindsight. Thank you so much for this encouraging note. you are a blessing to me. big big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Well kiddo, you have a big decision to make. When my Dad got bad with dementia, I didn’t hesitate to come home, leave my job, walk away from everything to be here for him and my Mom. My Mom and Dad are in their 70s, and I’m 53 and pretty stable financially. For me, the decision was a no-brainer.
    When I have come across situations like this over my lifetime, you ask God. You have done this. Now, the trick is to be patient and wait. Ask God to give you a confirmation when you “think” you have the answer. It doesn’t have to be anything specific, just ask for a confirmation to really know it’s coming from God and NOT “the other guy”. When I was driving home, I got two of them within a day of each other. One in Ohio; the other in Michigan (home state). You’ll know when you get it and you’ll have a confirmation that you are doing the right thing for all concerned.
    It’s the knowing that is comforting. Knowing I did the right thing for me and my folks was a relief and a blessing. I wish you well and hope you get your answer.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much Dave. Gosh, I’m so sorry to that your dad is going through that. I will definitely keep him and you and your family in my prayers. I think you’re right just have to ask God to show me the way. I really appreciate you sharing your story with me. sending you so much love and hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Christ is in all of us as surely as He was with the disciples. He lives within us and often we don’t pay any attention to Him at all. He has the words to tell the truths that are most true; listen to that voice within. If your inner voice is telling you to stay for God’s sake stay home. I know from experience that strokes often come in groups. My wife had a series of minor strokes then two major ones and finally another series of minor strokes. Also keep praying I’m praying for you and your mother.
    .

    Like

    1. Listen to that voice within — wow, what simple and yet profound advice. thank you so much. Oh gosh, I’m so sorry to hear that about your wife. I will definitely keep her and you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. and thank you for your prayers as well. it means the world. big big hugs xox

      Like

  18. When my mom asked me to move in and help her, I prayed and did. A year later she was put in Hospice care at home. Nine months later, she went home to be with the Lord. For the rest of my life I will cherish those last 3 years with her because she opened up to me about things she feared, life, all 8 of us kids and how she was so grateful for me being there. I could have left and others would have cared for her, but I would not have the special memories to carry me through the rest of my life. Search deep in your heart, pray and whatever you decide, you can not go back and change. Love is when you give up your wants and desires for others. That is what Jesus did. You will be just fine whatever you choose. God Bless.

    Like

    1. Wow, thank you so much for sharing this with me. Gosh, I am so sorry that your mother is with the Lord, but I’m really glad that you had that time together. What special time. That really puts a lot of things into perspective. so thank you 🙂 you’re right – that is what Jesus did. big hugs xx

      Like

  19. I’m 58 now. I am the father of 5 who range from 29 as the oldest down to 21. I love them all. I want them around me all the time. I miss them when they leave Calgary to work elsewhere. But I am always proudest when they make strong healthy decisions to build their lives. They have so much in front of them and so much to do. I would be heartbroken if they took option #2 , the lesser choice, to be close to me, so I would be happier.

    Mike

    Like

  21. I think, in your post, you answered your own question…quite loudly and clearly from where I sit: “And sitting on the edge of my bed, listening to my mother weep in the other room, while my own silent tears sear down my cheeks, I can’t help but feel I’m making a terrible mistake.”

    One thing that I learned a very long time ago is we need to listen to these feelings. Heavenly Father gives them to us for a reason. Every time I have tried to blow them off, there was more heartache. There may be a reason that you feel you’re making a terrible mistake by leaving. Maybe there’s something that lies ahead that you are going to wish you had been there for. Please don’t disregard this feeling. Stay with your mama. You need each other.

    My husband had three strokes last year. This Friday is the one year anniversary of the first one. Two days later is the year anniversary of #2 and #3. During the initial recovery period, I had a lot of time to ponder what was really important, who was really important to me. It is very scary getting used to the new normal, life post-strokes, not just for the stroke survivor, but for all of those that love them. I think part of your struggle is that you’ve had a very loud wake up call, a mortality crisis, so to speak. I know that I did and sometimes when I think about it, the panic starts to overtake me.

    I hope that you’ll stay with your mama. You’re both in my prayers.

    Like

    1. wow, Suzanne, thank you so much for this powerful perspective. i really appreciate you sharing your story. I’m so sorry to hear that this hits so close to home with your husband . i will definitely keep him and you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. you’re right – i do think that God moves in our spirits to guide us. i think i should listen for sure. thanks again. big hugs to you

      Liked by 1 person

  22. So many wonderful comments. I do understand your hurt, having lost my mother in 2012. This will change you, make sure that change is a positive one. I’ll always carry that empty place inside me. I had to make it part of me. ❤️

    Like

  23. Lots of thoughts. First, let’s go back to opposites, which we talked about before. I’ve learned that the better the act, the harder it is to do. When Jesus made the best decision ever he sweated drops of blood. I think that, at least sometimes, the correctness of a decision may have an inverse relationship with peace. You could do whatever feels easiest now, but realize down the road that the harder thing needed doing.

    So choose how? Maybe my other thoughts at Patreon will give you something to go on.

    And thanks, by the way, for making me tear up tonight… 🙂

    Like

    1. oh Jeffrey, thank you. I’m sorry that this made you tear up. That’s a really profound way to think about it. Opposites. And sweating blood – that imagery of Jesus really moves in my soul. Looking forward to reading more form you 🙂 big hugs xo

      Liked by 1 person

      3. I just saw your Patreon reply. I’m glad you found that helpful. Just remember you’re kinda family here too – my adopted daughter. So it’s me pleasure to give whatever support I can. Many hugs and much love!

        Like

  24. Caralyn – As an Audrey Assad groupie (!) you might also like Sarah Hart’s music – deep & beautiful & spiritual -she sings words from a heart in love with Jesus, like Audrey. Lifting you up in prayer as you stand at this crossroads, where i’ve been several times over long years of my Papa’s quadriplegia. Praying to take the big step moving overseas to work in relief & development, one of the biggest challenges was several (literal) oceans to cross if he got worse, or passed? I did miss special milestones – but I knew I was where God wanted me to be, affirmed with blazing signposts & my parents’ support (totally needed in conflict zones, especially their prayers hot-wired to Heavenly hotlines!) Yet, 15 years later when Papa asked me to come home from Africa to help them, I put it before God, Who provided another blazing signpost (a Teresa of Avila devotional hymn written out in my journal the morning before my parents, unbeknownst, sang it to me on the phone when making the request? and my father was an evangelical pastor?) 🙂 It was a hard decision giving up a leadership position to return home for a care-giving gig, but honoring my parents, i have no regrets. God does have a sense of humor – i thought Papa had 6 months, but God blessed us with EIGHT YEARS. Life is a gift! Then I had the privilege to look after Mama, too. If your spirit doesn’t feel right – pay attention! But pray for spiritual discernment to identify what’s from where (above… or below!) May God be with you, transforming your heart & mind & spirit with wisdom and the love of Jesus Christ. — blessings – Virginia 🙂 p.s. Joshua 1:9 -“Be strong & of good courage. Be not afraid, neither be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. wow, Virginia, thank you so much for this thoughtful reply. my goodness, what a special time with your parents during that precious time. i really appreciate you sharing that with me. you’re right – I’ve got to discern that feeling. I love that verse. really speaks to my spirit. thanks again. big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  25. I have recently had a huge stroke scare personally. However, the current thought is I didn’t have a stroke at all but may be having some unknown seizures. All the time I was in the hospital my husband stayed with me. I couldn’t have made it through the questions, which I couldn’t ask because he asked them. As I became more cognizant I asked questions during lucid moments and he asked them if I couldn’t. I know what depending on another person is like, and needing that person more than you can say, but also saying, “Honey, if you need to work – go work.” That was really scary for me. This is the first time my husband has been able to stay with me without his employment being in danger.

    Several years ago I left my husband to stay with my Mom who was terminally ill and on hospice. Since I am noot physically strong, I couldn’t stay with her the entire time and it hurt me in a way I can’t ever explain. Only God understands that one. However, I wouldn’t have traded the time I spent with her for anything in the world.

    I believe the thing you might need to decide is whether or not the feelings you have is a) about leaving to go back to NYC; or is it b) about staying with your Mom. I firmly believe you already know the answer and simply haven’t let yourself stop long enough so you can hear what God is telling you. Taking care of a person can do that.

    Here is hoping everything will work out for you. Prayers and *hugs* from Kentucky.

    Like

    1. Oh Henrietta, thank you so much for this thoughtful response. i’m so sorry that this hits so close to home with you. And i really appreciate you sharing your story – what precious time with your mom. Gosh, what a gift you gave her. That’s definitely a powerful thing to ask myself. thank you friend. big hugs xo

      Like

  26. There doesn’t look like there is anything I can add to help. Your readers and your responses show that God is by your side during this time of internal conflict. The only thing I can think of is do you think you are finished with your work at home? Like going on a mission trip, the work is never over but your work may be. It sounds like you are extremely blessed to have been able to give this time to your mom for the both of you. I mention as a reminder that you have an added complexity because you have the ability to choose – which is awesome! You have grown so much so fast.
    Whatever you decide Ohio or NYC, you are a different person and you will spread light where you settle.

    Like

    1. gosh, thank you so much. you know, I’ve mulled that over and over, and I do think i have more work to do at home. That’s a really powerful perspective. Thanks for bringing that to my attention. you are a blessing to me 🙂 big hugs xo

      Like

  27. May GOD grant you the wisdom to make the best decision as to wether to leave or not and may he Grant you his peace that surpasses all understanding. I pray your mom receives perfect healing in Jesus name.

    Like

  28. My precious friend, you are in a perfect place to receive what God has for you. When we totally surrender to His will, He can take you places beyond anything you can imagine for yourself. I know your mom wants what is best for you, and above all, your happiness. How much more, then does our Heavenly Father want that for us? Trust him, surrender, and buckle up for the ride of your life! One of my favorite verses in Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
    You and your mom will be in my prayers. I will pray that He gives you clarity so that you can make the best decision. Love in Christ,
    Erica

    Like

    1. oh gosh, Erica, thank you so much for his beautiful reflection. I so appreciate your prayers. 🙂 YOu’re so right – I need to just surrender to His perfect will. Because it is just that: perfect and good. big hugs x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. you are such a sweetheart! your blog really touches me because it is so raw and you are so real! I have a daughter around your age, and so I feel a little “mamafied” about you! Lol! Take care and may God continue to bless you and your family! xoxo

        Like

  29. … it sounds like a difficult time –

    Steps, and doors
    I think you’ve been taking them, and opening them

    Like

  31. I have some pros and cons from my own personal journey through my daddy’s stroke. The cons are that strokes and heart attacks keep happening and you don’t have much time with her and want to cherish that and honor her. That is what happened with Daddy the few years before he passed and now I am getting back to life with no regrets, having been there for him through it all. The pros to moving back is maybe this was an isolated event and you can still pursue your own life and passions which is part of life though may look selfish to those who selfishly want you to do it their way. Lol The thing is write the lists and then do the most important thing. Pray. God knows what you need and sees the big picture. Let Him guide your heart. Your tender heart will be served best by following His leading. I prayed for you to have clarity. Hugs and love to you sweet friend! XO

    Like

    1. Hi Tonya, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart just goes out to you and your family. you’re so right, that time is precious. That’s a really powerful thing to remember. and yes! God does know the big picture. I’ve got to pray and ask for His guidance. Thank you for your prayers. it means the world. big big hugs xo

      Liked by 1 person

  32. Having been through this with my own mother having a stroke about 7 years ago I wanted to just say it’s going to get harder still for both of you in some ways. But as a parent, I would say that a loving parent will want their child to be happy, because that’s what brings joy. So don’t let moving back be a negative thing, but remember that living a wonderful life and sharing that with your mother is the best course of action. And sharing is not just about being there every day. It’s easy to equate proximity with positive relationships, but being present is more than that, and not dependant upon it. Keep her close in your heart, prepare yourself for times of struggle and be with her (phone, in real life, gestures) as often as you can. And you will be fine.

    Like

    1. this is such a beautiful response. thank you so much. First of all, I’m so sorry to hear that this hits so close to you. And you’re absolutely right – a positive relationship – especially with the help of technology – can thrive even if I’m not living under their roof. That really spoke to me. thank you again. big hugs x

      Liked by 1 person

  33. I guess that can be hard. I know my grandmother is in a nursing home and I see her every week or a day when I have free that I can see her. She also don’t like being in a nursing home and her medicare wasn’t paying for everything so the nursing home move her in a different room.

    Like

    1. Thank you so much, Michael. i’m so sorry that this hits so close to home. I will definitely keep her and you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. what a gift you are giving her by visiting 🙂 big hugs x

      Like

  34. I hate that you’re going through this. Your mom would understand if you went back. On the other hand, the heart is almost never wrong. Do what gives you peace. There is no right or wrong answer.

    Like

  35. The devotion between a mother and daughter is, at its best, a devotion to God, as well. Your mother and God have given you life–your life. You may choose to devote more of it to your mother. Or, you and she may both prefer, hard as it is, that you fulfill your responsibilities and pursuits in New York. You will miss each other and still need each other–hearing her tears does not necessarily mean she wants you to stay–it depends upon what you’re giving up. It would be beautiful if you could ask her, but not everyone is ready to discuss things where the answer is both yes and no. Especially when regret and loss are inescapable, either way. You could let her know your fears. I’m sure she’s comforted you many times, and sometimes sharing fear and anxiety that come from the heart makes things clearer. But everyone’s different. I tend to speak too directly to my mother and she doesn’t like it. So I try to step back but she knows me and can read my feelings, which sometimes anger her–even when they’re not especially different from her own. She’s better at diverting herself than I. Another example would be my husband’s mother, who’s uncomfortable when love is directly and spontaneously expressed. She prefers it at the end of a note.
    My personal belief (which springs from having devoted too much of my life–and yet not enough to satisfy anyone–to my parents) is that a child’s life belong to her. I tell my children that and so far they’re busy and working hard to find their own way. They’re also far away and I miss them much more than they miss me–a consequence of what I told them many times. If I needed them, however, I would ask for their help, confident each would do what he or she could. Pray to see and listen to your heart and mind. You have my sympathy and prayers, which should be worth more than they are because of my wavering faith.

    Like

    1. Thank you so much for sharing this, Kathleen. I am so grateful for your prayers and encouragement. You’re so right – these are things I should talk to her about. Because it’s true – it’s an experience that we’re going to share – both in different ways, but it will impact us both. thanks for that wonderful advice. big hugs to you x

      Liked by 1 person

  36. God speaks to me through songs a lot! I am presently praying through something, and I was “asking to see,” as well, and the Lord put about five songs in mind, not all at once, though. Most of them were hymns, but not all: 1. Oh, To be Like Thee, Blessed Redeemer, 2. Have Thine Own Way, Lord, 3. I’ll Go Where You Want Me to Go, 4. Jesus, I am Resting, Resting, and 5. Make Me a Blessing. Well, at least 4 of them were hymns, maybe all 5. If you don’t know them, you can find the lyrics for them on the internet, if you have the time. Encouraging messages all! Sue

    Like

    1. thanks so much for this, Sue. Yes, I feel Him through songs as well. Those are some great songs. I’m going to make a playlist of them right now. thank you for passing them along. i hope that what your going through turns out okay. i’m praying for you too. big hugs xo

      Liked by 1 person

  38. “If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you”. John 15:7
    God will allow you to see, I am sure of it! You’re a very strong woman, and you inspire me so much.
    Hang in there, sweet!! xx ❤

    Like

  40. Caralyn, I thank you for another searingly honest post; the kind of which I have come to expect of you.

    Your pain of longing – to be with your blessed mother, to honor her desire for your presence, to seek and know God’s guidance for and in your life – seeps through your every word. I hurt for…with you. For, although no one can know fully, truly the hurts of another, I also do not know of anyone who, as I’m wont to say, has lived 2 seconds in this world, who does not know the sorrow of love’s deepest yearning to ease the hurt of a loved one (and to mollify one’s own hurt in being able to be and to do for a loved one).

    I pray your mother’s peace. I pray your peace.

    Love,
    Paul

    Like

    1. Hi Paul, thank you so much for this kind response. you’re so right, there are so many different emotions swirling around in my head. Thank you for your prayers. it really means a lot 🙂 with love and big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  41. Dear Caralyn:
    We do not love alone. You’ve done a lot for your mother over the last five months. Didn’t your sibling just move back so that they could help care for your mother?
    If nothing else, they should have the opportunity to adapt to that role. I’d go back to New York and see how things evolve. You have certainly changed – you may find that New York doesn’t have the same attraction that it did before. But staying in Cleveland might prevent your sibling from enjoying the same graces that you have received from caring for your mother.
    With love,
    Brian

    Like

    1. Thanks Brian, you’re so right about that – we do not love alone. And you’re right – NYC might not have the same appeal given how I’ve changed. Thanks for the awesome perspective. i really appreciate your kind word of encouragement. You’re a great friend, Brian. big hugs to you xox

      Like

      1. The influences on this situation are complex. I strongly recommend that you take some time to pray for clarity – in other words, to allow God to show you the situation as he sees it. Distance can be helpful in allowing you to separate yourself from the situation, and so to see how you can best serve others.

        Maybe this will help: God has shown you how your strength was of service to your mother. You may have a demonstration of strength in store as regards your father.

        Like

      3. I’ve been trying to figure out how to say this for a long time: ED turned the power of your own mind against you, and against that force neither your father nor mother had any sway.

        You received that strength in past service, and it is building into a future of service. Stop asking “What do you want me to do?”, for that is to echo Christ’s lament on the cross: “Father, why have you forsaken me?” Consummation of sacred purpose comes in finding those that we are meant to serve. While the nearness of family makes their needs particularly poignant, I don’t think that you’ve yet found your sacred community.

        Like

      4. Thanks again Brian. That’s really terrific food for thought. i’ve never thought of that question that way, but i think you’re really onto something there. hugs x

        Like

      5. Just so you understand my experience of this situation: I don’t know how many times over the last five months I’ve had to push away the urge to offer to come out to Ohio to lay hands on your mother.

        You have everything that you need within you.

        Like

      6. Oh my gosh Brian, that is so kind of you. Yeah, I think the prayers you have been offering her have been working, because she’s doing so well. We’re all incredibly encouraged. Thank you 🙂 hugs xo

        Like

  44. Seconding the reader who said to pray for wisdom. James says ask for wisdom & you’ll get it. One hallmark of God’s wisdom is that’s it’s full of peace and easy to do, meaning you don’t kick the doors open. So pay attn to your red flag feeling. Also, trying to figure it all out is using our head. Pray, go silent and listen. Believing you will make wise choices.

    Like

    1. Thanks Kathryne, yeah, wisdom is definitely a *wise* thing to pray for 😉 😉 😉 jk jk — in all seriousness, it really is great advice. That’s so true – I’ll feel peace when I’m in the center of His will. Thanks for this great advice. big hugs xox

      Like

  45. We do not know how long we will have together;
    When those we love will leave us;
    We do not know when we will depart;
    When we will leave them, forever.
    And how much they have done for us, whether we acknowledge it or not.

    Life is a breath, an instant.
    And when those who have loved us and who we love leave us, the world becomes more emptier and more colder.
    When they go, a part of us is gone too, and not more come back, not here.
    Every moment is the last, just as the next will be too.

    So, live each moment the best you can, with the best LOVE of your heart, with FAITH, and with gratitude for your struggle for us as best they could.

    Will remain in our minds and hearts your brand, the memories of the moments lived and shared, with joy, or with sorrows, but lived together; and longing…

    Like

    1. Wow, Carlos, this is so beautiful. thank you so much for this. You’re so right – we’ve got to live each moment the best you can, because we really don’t know how long we have together. thank you for sharing that. big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  46. Ask this question, honestly wanting God’s answer. Step back. Listen for His heart, and you’ll know.
    At least, that’s how He’s talked to me.

    Like

      1. Glad if I could help. Our lives are miles apart–literally and figuratively–but I have been intrigued by how often the lessons God has been showing me, He has been showing you in His own way and time. God bless! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  47. These inner conflicts and dilemmas have no easy answers. These are real crossroads of life. I think seeking answers with a calm mind may help. It is easy to be blown away in either direction by emotional turbulence.

    Like

  48. I’ve seen a maturity and spiritual depth grow in you greatly since you moved to help your Mom. God created us for these kinds of times. Give yourself permission to stay. What you have become and the richness of your writings are an inspiration that NYC will never give you. Goodness becomes you where you are.
    God bless you sister.

    Like

    1. Thank you so much David. Wow, that is incredibly kind to say. I think you’re right – there are definitely things that this season has taught me that NYC just can’t even touch a candle to. thanks for stopping by and for that powerful advice. big hugs xox

      Like

  49. Hi Caralyn. I believe you are one of the most honest and vulnerable persons I know. We can learn so much from you.
    You do have a difficult decision before you now. I don’t remember seeing a specific reason for you returning to NYC. I know Our Lord Jesus will give direction as you seek Him. He tells us to ASK / SEEK \ KNOCK, and He will give us answers.
    It is also written in Scripture, in James, that if we seek God for wisdom, He will give it to us. Holy Spirit answers and directs us in various ways, so as you pray and seek Him, listen for His response.
    I know many of your Blog friends here, and friends elsewhere will be praying also.
    God Bless you my good friend, in whichever way the Lord leads.
    If He leads you back to NYC, we can also be confident that Jesus Christ will take care of your Mom and Dad also.

    Like

    1. Gosh, you are so kind to say that. thank you so much George. Yeah, this is a pretty tough one for sure. Ask, seek knock…now there is some great advice. Thank you for your continued prayers. you are a blessing to me. big hugs xox

      Like

  50. Should I stay or should I go? One might say: Go to New York, live your life. Remember our forefathers left Europe (and other places) in wooden ships, knowing that they would never see their mothers or fathers, brothers or sister, or any relative again. So some would say, live your life and realize you may not be able to get back to care for your parents.

    Another might say: Stay and be near your parents. They will grow old and frail and need you.Make your life near them. Long distance nursing of elderly parents is darn near impossible unless you are rich enough to pay for live in help.Even then, it will be a stranger taking care of your parents. (Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” — John 21:18)

    Both ways can be “the right thing to do”. The parents of the children leaving on those wooden ships knew that they would never see their children again, that they would never see their grandchildren; but, that there children were doing what they must do to build a better life. If you leave and establish roots in New York, perhaps have a family of your own, then how difficult will it be for the grandchildren to get to know their grandparents?

    Hard decisions. Many years ago I went away from home to go to school. My wife and I lived 500 miles from our parents. We had children. When I finished school, I wanted to go live in the Rocky Mountains. My young wife said “No.” She knew we had parents who would need us and she knew how much support grandparents could be for our family. We moved back home. I’ve never really regretted yielding to her wisdom. My parents are both gone. She still has one living. Our lives would have definitely been different had we moved to the Rockies but I doubt that it would have been any better.

    “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.”
    Exodus 20:12.

    “Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, that your days may be prolonged and that it may go well with you on the land which the LORD your God gives you.” Deuteronomy 5:16

    “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2“Honor your father and mother” (which is the first commandment with a promise), 3“that it may go well with you and that you may be long-lived on the earth.”…Ephesians 6:2

    What land is the Lord giving you? How will you honor your parents? I can think of many ways that you could honor your parents in New York. Simply living as a Christian there, not afraid to proclaim your faith!! That would honor your parents and God. Staying home would honor them too. But remember, parents want their children to leave the nest, to go out into the world and thrive. It is a balance: establishing your own life (the mark that your parents were successful– their bird left the nest flying!) vs. caring for your parents. At this point, I would say your parents want you to leave and they want you to stay. I am a parent of two children about your age and that is how I would feel. In my love for you, I would want you to fly from the nest. In my love for you, I would want you to stay; but, I would know deep in my heart that it would be best for you if you go.

    I don’t think that I have made this decision any easier or any clearer.

    God Bless.

    Like

    1. Wow, this is so beautiful and heartfelt. thank you friend. You’re so right – i need to honor my parents, and truthfully, I can do that from either here or there. That’s a thing that makes it so difficult. and you’re right, my parents want both for me too. To fly and yet to remain close. so many contradictions. I think in all of this i need to remember to be grateful that a) i have parents and b) that I have a family that wants me in their lives. I know that sadly, that is not the case for every one. Thanks again for this powerful and beautiful food for thought. you are a blessing to me 🙂 hugs xo

      Like

Leave a reply to Henrietta Handy Cancel reply