Asking to See

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I don’t know how it got to be today.

How, after being home here for five months after my mother’s stroke, that I am packing up my things to return to NYC.

I’m going to be honest, I haven’t even made it through the socks and underwear yet, and I’ve already cried twice.

I was not expecting this. Returning to New York is supposed to be joyous. Full of celebratory anticipation. And yet, why do I feel my heart is shattering?

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I was driving home from getting groceries today when an Audrey Assad song came on: Lead, Kindly Light. And one of the lyrics really stopped me in my tracks:

“Here in the dark, I do not ask to see.”

I rolled that over and over in my mind. And I realized, that’s just what I’ve been doing during my time here at home. Things were dark – I was more scared than I have ever been in my life – unsure as to the permanent toll the stroke was going to have on my mom. I was in the dark. And I realized, that I have not yet asked to see. I haven’t begged or pleaded with God to reveal what it is I’m supposed to learn – What the take away is from all of this. How things are going to turn out. I haven’t. I haven’t asked to see.

I’ve just been blindly trusting that God is going to lead me to where He wants me to go.

Going back to New York, my heart is not at rest. I don’t want to leave my mother. I don’t want to walk away from my family and leave behind this world where things are good, albeit, frightfully different. I know that they will be fine without me here, but what if I’m not.

My heart has changed. My mom’s stroke has changed who I am – what’s important to me. How I want to spend my time.

Maybe I’m just anticipating missing her. Thinking about leaving the comfort and security of my life in Ohio.

Perhaps I’m going to miss taking care of another person.

All I know is that I’m really having a hard time letting go.

And as I’ve walked around with this feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, I’ve begun to  finally realize where it’s really coming from:

I’m afraid of hurting her. 

My mom has been through so much. And is trying her very best to get used to this new state of normal after her stroke, and I know how much she cherishes having me around, and would love me to live here.

And I know that my leaving is going to add another layer of pain to her already burdened heart.

How can I do that to her?

It just breaks me down to think about.

And sitting on the edge of my bed, listening to my mother weep in the other room, while my own silent tears sear down my cheeks, I can’t help but feel I’m making a terrible mistake.

I feel I am betraying my mom, my family. Being uncaring and selfish for going back.

And probably that’s true.

And I guess, God, this is the first time I’m going to have to ask You to see.

Because I am at a loss for words, for thoughts, for direction. I need to know what to do. I’ve gone through this recovery with her with the motto that I’ll know I’m doing the right thing because God will give me peace.

And well, this unrest in my spirit is a big ol’ red flag.

And I know that her saying, “I’m gonna be fine,” is just brave talk from a loving mother.

Lord, help me to know what to do here. You know the love I have for this courageous woman, my lifeblood, my best friend. Show me where I’m supposed to be. What I’m supposed to do. 

Here in the dark, I am finally asking to see.

I guess…to be continued…

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

381 thoughts on “Asking to See”

  2. Instantly prayed for you when I finished reading. God ALWAYS grants us wisdom when He asks for it. He is not a God of confusion. But yes! Trusting Him in the dark gives away our control however it’s nice to know what’s coming next 🙂 but He will answer you, even if it’s after a period of time. Wherever He may lead you, know that being in His will is the best place to be, even when life tries to tell us otherwise. Hugs to you and more prayers!❤️

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    1. Oh Sarah, thank you so much for your prayers. You are so kind. Thank you. You’re so right – He is not a God of confusion. That’s such great advice. Thanks for this powerful perspective. Hugs and love xox

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  5. My prayers will be with you during this time of uncertainty…May the good Lord grant you the light you seek to see through the dark. Sending happiness your way.

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  9. My heart goes out to you. After my older sister’s stroke in the final years I had to honour my heart and stay. There is no right or wrong answer, something is lost and something is gained in living life every day to quote Joni Mitchell. ❤ You love your Mum so much its no wonder you are struggling. God bless you and keep you held in love, I know you will be ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh thank you so much, friend, for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that hits so close to home. My heart breaks to hear that you had to walk this road with your sister. You’re right – there’s something gained in living life every day. That’s beautiful. Thanks again. Hugs and love xox

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  14. That’s a heart-wrenching dilemma, and in waiting on the Lord you’re doing exactly the right thing. As I pray about this, one question comes into my mind. “Why do you want to go back to NYC?” I feel you might find your answer in the motivation that’s urging you to go back there.
    With love
    Penny
    xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Penny, for this kind note. Yeah, that’s a really powerful question to ask. One that I will definitely take to prayer this morning. thank you for your prayers and kindness.. you are a blessing to me 🙂 big hugs xo

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Guilt and fear are a powerful cocktail that is mixed with family ties. The lesson we all learn as parents is that our children stay with us wherever they are.
    I have two sons both live a long way from us but I know that in my heart we want them to have full and fulfilled lives. Because their lives mean more than mine it would hurt me more to think they had made an unnecessary sacrifice due to my failing health (sadly I have a heart and lung condition which continues to deteriorates).
    Being honest it broke my heart to see both of them go but they make me proud when I hear about the great things they achieve through their faith.
    Advice from an old man – talk to your parents, if they agree pray together about your concerns and then work to an agreed strategy. My faith is strengthened by my sons. No matter where we are in the world and what time of day it is we are closer now than we have ever been.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hi Trotter, thank you so much for sharing this powerful perspective. You’re so right – distance does not negate love. I really needed to read that. And I’m so sorry to hear that about your heart and lungs. I will definitely keep you and your family in my prayers. sending massive hugs and love xox

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      1. Praying as a family even over the phone or using social media strengthens family bonds and reinforces the value. Death comes to us all so we face it with courage.

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  16. So many prayers for you during this time! I lost my dad in 2012, and I know how hard it is seeing your parent sick. I know the decision of what to do is not easy, but do know that you have many people praying for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh gosh, Carly, I’m so sorry for your loss. Gosh, my heart just goes out to you. you’re right, it’s not an easy decision. thank you for your prayers and for sharing your story with me. Big hugs to you xo

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  17. Praying for you Caralyn for all wisdom and Light from above to help you. Wrestle well in this time of change. God’s and your parents Love is not changing, as it is still given to you. Keep looking as you walk this shadow of death and fear no evil God is with you as He promised.
    d

    Liked by 1 person

    1. just had to add this: God is with you Mighty Warrior Caralyn. See The Old Testament story of Gideon. Gideon was hiding from enemies when an angel called him a mighty warrior!

      Liked by 1 person

  19. “And sitting on the edge of my bed, listening to my mother weep in the other room, while my own silent tears sear down my cheeks, I can’t help but feel…” … Poetic & beautiful lines.
    May you see and find peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Caralyn,

    I remember when I first realized I hadn’t asked because I thought all I needed was to trust in God and He would lead me. That’s when I first realized how very little about myself I knew, and there is so much He wants to tell me! You, what you have shared, have been an integral part of my asking and God teaching me about myself. Thank you.

    As you stand at this fork in the road, remember (and I suspect you know this far better than I, but I’ll say it anyways) that our emotions tell us very real and important things. It is not just something to think through, but to feel through as well…. For what it’s worth.

    God bless you and your mother. You are in my prayers.
    Quanah

    Liked by 1 person

  23. You honor your mother by living a full and happy life. Go! She gave you roots and wings so that you can serve God’s purpose in the world. Go in peace, and may the God of Love and Light go with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Wow…that’s an incredibly tough spot to be in. I can’t relate exactly, but I’m experiencing a similar degree of uncertainty in my life right now, too…and it isn’t easy or pleasant.

    I’m definitely praying for God to guide you. Praying for your Mom and your family as well!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. No need to apologize, sis…its exactly what I needed to read.

        Sometimes, I think we make the mistake of believing that we can only encourage others after we’ve overcome a trial. But some of the greatest encouragement can come when we’re still in the thick of things, not having all of the answers. Much love, and thanks for the prayers!

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  28. I lost my mom to cancer is just 6 short months from her diagnosis. Trust me when I tell you that I regret everyday not being there for her more. It sounds like to me God has already answered your prayer and I think you should follow your instincts and stay with your momma. You will never be able to get that time back. Follow your heart and don’t let the fear of the unknown cloud your judgement. God will provide. Much love.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Don’t feel sad for me. I had a wonderful mother and am very blessed to have had the time I did have with her. 29 years of pure love and joy. Plus losing her has brought me so much closer in my journey and relationship with God. I am praying for healing for your beautiful mom. XO

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  29. So sorry for your tormented heart. But I have to chime in with this – maybe you should really consider staying in Ohio. It sounds to me that even though you love NYC – your heart is really in Ohio. You have connection to this place – Good, Bad and Indifferent and it IS a part of you and rightly so. Born, raised and grown there. Even after NYC – you have grown. I really felt that this needed to be said as I have read along with you for quite some time now. I can “see” what type of person that you really are – you deserve true happiness. Yes – NYC is a great place and holds so much for you but so does your “home”. It’s true – “There’s no place like home” ! I hope you find the answers that you are looking for and I hope you find peace in your heart as well! Good luck and as always – God Bless!

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    1. Thank you so much friend. That’s a powerful perspective and I really appreciate you sharing that with me. You’re right, Ohio is home and right now home needs me. NYC will always be there. Thanks for this beautiful encouragement. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  30. Sometimes we can only do what we can and then it becomes unhealthy for us as well to push in the same direction when it is time to go forward into your life.. In the end it is about love and Im sure your mother appreciates understands the love you have for her . This should be your solace and guilt will not serve you in a healthy way so go forward to where you truly belong trust your intuition ..god.. I will follow you on insta soon!!

    Liked by 1 person

  32. Really appreciate your heart in seeking after what God wants. Sometime we ask for God’s guidance, and we really don’t know what to expect. Do we think He will come and sit by us in the coffee shop and explain what He wants, or may be we are looking for the directions to be delivered by FedEx. I am reminded of the story of Elijah, who after killing all the prophets of Baal; ran and hid from Jezebel in a cave in the wilderness. That story (I Kings 19:9-14) says that God did not speak to Elijah from the strong wind, the earthquake, or the fire; but spoke to him with a low whisper. It may be that God is speaking to you in a small, still voice from inside your head. I won’t say that I am positively right, but you really may need to listen.
    Bill Hooten

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Bill, thank you so much for this kind response. you’re right, we don’t know what to expect. but we can be 100% certain that it will be good. 🙂 thanks for stopping by. big hugs xo

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  33. Life can be challenging with so many decisions to make. Life sometimes sends us into a tail spin and it takes a while to get our bearings back aligned. Thank you for being transparent. I have been wrestling with which direction to take. But wherever you end up and I end up, God is a good Father. He leads gentle and graciously and meets us wherever we are :)! I’ve tried to just enjoy each day even in the unknown and see every season as an adventure. Thanks for sharing your heart… And cry as much as you need — It helps :)!

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  35. You’ve asked for His guidance, so perhaps whatever decision you make will be the right one. 🙂 Thanks for the honesty.

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  36. Same thing happens to an LDS missionary returning “home” after two years. And some people there won’t let him go. It hurts, and time only makes it worse. Is it better to love and lose than to never have loved at all? Suicidal for me wasn’t until after my heartstrings had been yanked so hard in every direction that there were no directions, anymore. People think, Life Goes On. It doesn’t. Some things forever change people. Others sometimes don’t understand that, don’t want to understand. And therein lies the mental break-down, trying to break down walls of communication breach that can’t be broken, families fractures enemies of one’s own house, where son against father daughter against mother and daughter-in-law against mother in law. For we were told, if we had two coats to sell one and buy a sword. Male or female, either one. Life is war, and there is no semblance of faith without some war, albeit cold, calculating, bloody (although not bloodthirsty) war.

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      1. You speak of the “unrest in [your] spirit.” Maybe you just need to let off some steam. Hydro reflective internal empowerment self-to-self meditation or the study of all things fractal. It saddens me to see this TO BE CONTINUED… I thought on the blog scheme a post was already finished before one was ever halfway done. I didn’t know that there was even a second half to most blog posts. You seem to be on an emotion roller coaster ride in your life. I am SO glad I am not you right now, if that helps any. I hope it’s just a girl thing, because I really never want to get so anxious like you’re sounding right here. Good luck with that. I better leave you alone, just in case internet-sponsored anxiety might possibly be contagious.

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  37. Sometimes all I can utter in prayer is, “Lord…” In the words of a favorite author of mine (Glennon Doyle Melton) ‘First the pain and then the rising. But there is no rising without the pain. Use it. Use all of it.’ It’s ok to not be ok.

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    1. oh gosh, that resonated with me so much – you’re right, sometimes there are no words – that’s where the Holy Spirit comes in and helps. use all of it. i like that. thanks again. big hugs xo

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  38. It hurts because we love and care – the only way to avoid these feelings is not to love and care and that is not an option as a follower of Christ – it is a heavy load to carry but we don’t have to carry it alone. If someone said what I just said I think I would smile and thank them, then think but they don’t get it. It is only after the fact that there is time to look at everything and see as heavy as it was I didn’t carry it all.

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    1. That’s so true, J. Thank you so much for this encouragement. you’re right – Jesus is the one that is carrying the load for us. what comfort that is. thanks for stopping by. big hugs xox

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  39. With my husband in the military, I’ve been living away from my hometown, also in Ohio. Four years ago I said goodbye to family and friends. I learned a lot, traveled and lived in two different states. Two years ago, for my birthday, my aunt sent me a t shirt that said, “My ❤ belongs in Ohio." And I'd have to say it's true. Perhaps God has answered you. Perhaps there is more He wants you to know. Guilt should never be a reason we make a decision from because with it comes potential for bitterness. However, what God wants for us will be clear. With your eyes on Him, I pray as well you seek out His answer. His will never just affects us, but those around us. Peace be with you sister 🙂 Christ is with you. No matter the choice or decision. There will be a way.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing this. first of all, thank you to your husband for keeping our country safe. His service is so noble. and thank you for the sacrifices you’ve made to allow him to do that. This is really great advice – I’ve got to trust Him. Thank you for your prayers. 🙂 hugs xo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Anytime girl, we must all always pray and support one another. Spread the love of Christ.

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  41. I don’t know what you should do … but I do know this: I am so grateful for the few months I had with my little Marmeee a little over a year ago, but it hurts my heart to know that I left just a few months before she was gone for good. Sometimes I even wonder if she’d have lived longer (or at least more comfortably) if I’d stayed … She drew strength from me. On the other hand, the Hubbit needed me too, and staying away from him indefinitely wasn’t an option. So I have sadness without regrets.

    My story is different from yours. My mom was terminal – we knew it was only a matter of time. Also, I had a strong reason for returning home. I’m sharing this really to offer a perspective … As you decide what to do, listen to your heart. Try, if you can, to set aside guilt, fear, even duty. Which way does love lead?

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m sorry that this hit so close to home. Yeah, there are never cut and dry right answers, so we do what we believe is right in the moment. Those months were such a gift to your Marmeee. Thank you again for this powerful perspective. where does love lead — that’s quite a profound question to answer. big hugs xo

      Liked by 1 person

  42. I must have missed something, darling: why are you going back to NYC? Why now? Has something happened that you didn’t relate in the essay? Had you set a deadline? What are the details surrounding your decision? your packing today?

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    1. Thanks friend, yeah it was just kind of time. We had always set this date as a going back. I have a shoot that I’m going back for the first week of june, and so this was just kind of a natural return point. I think I’m going to go back for the shoot and then come back and check in and play leap-frog for a while. thanks for your support 🙂 it means a lot. hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am glad it is not a permanent ‘going back;’ I would have been on the watch for a whale. (Those whale bellies can be dark, trust me.) You do good work in both locations, both situations. Your leap-frogging may fuel interesting insights, as well. Blessings, darling.

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  43. You’ve been blessed with a loving relationship and quality time with your mom. No wonder this is so confusing! No one knows the answer but you, and maybe you won’t even know if leaving is the right thing until you are back in NYC. Praying that you will be open to His wisdom. Just keep seeking it, and no doubt it will be revealed to you.

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  44. Your story today reminded me of my family and how we moved from Jersey back home to Ohio to be with our family with all of the illness they were suffering from. It’s been five years now and none of us regret the move. Prayers for your family.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that your family is going through illness but I’m so glad that you all have each other. That’s such a beautiful testimony of your love. Thanks for the prayers. Hugs and love xox

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  45. I think on some level we are always where we are meant to be. Besides, everything is fluid/temporary/shifting anyway so it helps to accept that…..try not to worry whether you are “doing something wrong”…..given the circumstances that’s not a big possibility!. You’ll figure out how to be with your Mom every day somehow, and I’m pretty sure she would not want you to disregard the things you really do need to do. It will all work out!!!

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  46. Thank you for your blog. I understand where you are coming from. It’s hard when your Mom isn’t well. It changes you and her. My advice is to not make any big life changing decisions and to follow your heart with this. You realise how important people are and not what used to be. Have a read of Psalm 18 keep strong and God will direct you

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    1. Hi again, friend. thank you so much for your prayers for my mom and I. Wow, that just really spoke to my soul – those are exactly the things that we both need in this moment. Thanks again Jenom. You are a blessing to me. big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  48. Asking to see..I love that. It reminds me again of his grace and power perfected in our weakness.

    I don’t think leaving family will ever not be a little sad and painful, and it’s then that I realize just how much my family really means to me, and where home really is.

    So I totally get it, and I feel for you Caralyn. I won’t say I hope you feel better because really, what you’re feeling is your compass, and it will get less with time maybe but only more with distance, so I pray Father gives you peace, and sight, and comfort–and not only for you but for your family. He is holding you all in his hand and you will always be home in his heart [=

    I hope you have a restful week my friend (:

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    1. Thank you so much Carson, you’re so kind to say that. Yeah, it’s always sad to leave family. thank you for your prayers. Peace and sight are definitely two biggies I need right now. This was incredibly comforting. thank you, friend. sending big hugs xox

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      1. You’re welcome [= and you’ll continue to be in my prayers. No matter how this transition goes, know you’re in Father’s plans. He’s got you [=

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  49. This is beautiful. One way to help possibly is to forgive yourself for any judgments you’re aware of … to accept and love yourself as you are …. and to let go, and let God. ❤

    I am holding a space of LOVE and LIGHT for you each step of the way.
    God bless you. Take good care of yourself,
    Debbie

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  50. Oh, my heart bleeds for you. I immediately stated praying and could feel your bleeding heart. Though God is not the author of confusion, I know from being a grandmother, a mother and a person in need, sometimes we try and make our will God’s will instead of listening to the gentle whispers of His leading. I have prayed that God would speak to your heart loud so you may live with whatever choice you and the Lord decides on. Just know that your mother is one blessed woman to have a daughter that loves like you do. Hugs!!!

    P.S. I cried a Noah’s Flood on your behalf so be well, my friend. Those tears are healing and they are ushering you into the way you should go. God’s holding your hand and paving the way and asking you not to fear…

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    1. Oh my gosh, thank you so much Tammy. I’m so sorry this made you cry! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your prayers. Yes – a loud direction wild be so amazing. Thanks for your kindness and support. You are a blessing to me 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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