There are certain things that I’ve vowed never to do again…
Number one: Drink tequila on an empty stomach.
Number two: Google myself.
Number three: Look up ex-boyfriends on Facebook.
Because let me tell you, it is a swift punch in the gut to see what they’re up to and who they ended up with. Just heart ache that I’d rather not have to deal with, you know?
So I’ve made Facebook a safe zone…not even Zuckerberg-style “Friends” with them on there.
However…music is still a crap shoot.
Because sometimes, you’ll be listening to the singer/songwriter station, and you’ll get accosted by The Song. And this one in particular, is Howie Day’s Collide. It was our song.
And it came on tonight. Just a little while ago, actually.
And to be totally honest, I had another post planned for tonight…but that was until I heard this 00’s angsty crooner, and was fighting back tears.
And as I was sitting in the car, in the garage, feeling this rush of a myriad of emotions, I found myself grappling with this one thought:
Giving my heart away.
What was the price? Because, honestly, getting verklempt every time that dumb song comes on certainly seems a bit much, right?
Was it worth it?
It’s no secret on here that I’m saving sex until marriage.
Yeah, you read that correctly…I’m a virgin….
But just because I haven’t given my body away, doesn’t mean that I haven’t given parts of my heart away.
And was it worth it?
*Sigh* That is a tough question. And, I don’t know if it’s the 2 vodka/sodas I had with my sister-in-law tonight, or my present emotional conundrum, but it’s 1am, and it’s literally keeping me “up at night,” wide awake, writing this post.
Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve grown up being taught that my heart was worth protecting. That it was to be guarded.
And so as any good little Catholic girl, I did just that. Perhaps, to a fault…says the painfully single twenty-something…
But I guess I can see, that advice is for a good reason.
I did give a part of my heart to him. A part that I can never get back. A part that I cannot give to my future husband one day.
But more than anything, it’s a hole. A little peep hole that allows me to peek through and revisit that person in my mind. A little potential looking spot that causes me to have to block him on Facebook, and swear off old high school yearbooks.
But it makes me truly question then, how one can find love while still guarding their heart?
Do we never let anyone in so as not to get hurt, or do we risk the potential heartache and give our precious heart to anyone worth a “swipe right?”
And I had two thoughts.
Number one: This visceral response to a fricking Howie Day song is positively confirmation that I am 100% making the right decision about saving myself until marriage.
If this is how my heart responds after a relationship that didn’t involve sex, I cannot imagine how completely obliterated my spirit would be had I given my body away, too.
But Number Two: It made me question the true meaning of “guarding my heart.”
And all this time, I pictured in my mind this impenetrable box that could withstand the zombie apocalypse.
But what if that’s not the meaning at all?
What if I’ve been dead wrong the whole time?
What if “guarding my heart” actually meant giving it to Jesus?
What if I’m supposed to give it to Him to guard? Let Him keep it safe, and all the while, shaping it into a heart that’s ready to be given?
That’s the real way to guard and protect it.
God doesn’t want me to pull a Rapunzel, and shut it away completely. Nor take the opposite extreme.
He just wants me to give it to Him to protect. He’s the best Defender anyways.
Howie Day’s Collide, it may always have a little hold on my heart. I mean, I confess, after hearing it tonight, I may or may not have busted out the old yearbooks and scrapbooks, and taken a painful trip down memory lane.
But I bet if I give my heart to Jesus to protect, He’ll be able to shape it so that I can let that acoustic accompaniment go. And Collide will no longer cause an emotional collision between past and reality.
@beauty.beyond.bones – Instagram
Thank you for considering supporting BBB on Patreon! You make this blog possible 🙂