Guarding My Heart: Redefined

There are certain things that I’ve vowed never to do again…

Number one: Drink tequila on an empty stomach.

Number two: Google myself.

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Number three: Look up ex-boyfriends on Facebook.

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Because let me tell you, it is a swift punch in the gut to see what they’re up to and who they ended up with. Just heart ache that I’d rather not have to deal with, you know?

So I’ve made Facebook a safe zone…not even Zuckerberg-style “Friends” with them on there.

However…music is still a crap shoot.

Because sometimes, you’ll be listening to the singer/songwriter station, and you’ll get accosted by The Song. And this one in particular, is Howie Day’s Collide. It was our song.

And it came on tonight. Just a little while ago, actually.

And to be totally honest, I had another post planned for tonight…but that was until I heard this 00’s angsty crooner, and was fighting back tears.

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And as I was sitting in the car, in the garage, feeling this rush of a myriad of emotions, I found myself grappling with this one thought:

Giving my heart away.

What was the price? Because, honestly, getting verklempt every time that dumb song comes on certainly seems a bit much, right?

Was it worth it?

It’s no secret on here that I’m saving sex until marriage.

Yeah, you read that correctly…I’m a virgin….

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But just because I haven’t given my body away, doesn’t mean that I haven’t given parts of my heart away.

And was it worth it?

*Sigh* That is a tough question. And, I don’t know if it’s the 2 vodka/sodas I had with my sister-in-law tonight, or my present emotional conundrum, but it’s 1am, and it’s literally keeping me “up at night,” wide awake, writing this post.

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve grown up being taught that my heart was worth protecting. That it was to be guarded.

And so as any good little Catholic girl, I did just that. Perhaps, to a fault…says the painfully single twenty-something…

But I guess I can see, that advice is for a good reason.

did give a part of my heart to him. A part that I can never get back. A part that I cannot give to my future husband one day.

But more than anything, it’s a hole. A little peep hole that allows me to peek through and revisit that person in my mind. A little potential looking spot that causes me to have to block him on Facebook, and swear off old high school yearbooks.

But it makes me truly question then, how one can find love while still guarding their heart?

Do we never let anyone in so as not to get hurt, or do we risk the potential heartache and give our precious heart to anyone worth a “swipe right?”

And I had two thoughts.

Number one: This visceral response to a fricking Howie Day song is positively confirmation that I am 100% making the right decision about saving myself until marriage.

If this is how my heart responds after a relationship that didn’t involve sex, I cannot imagine how completely obliterated my spirit would be had I given my body away, too.

But Number Two: It made me question the true meaning of “guarding my heart.”

And all this time, I pictured in my mind this impenetrable box that could withstand the zombie apocalypse.

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But what if that’s not the meaning at all?

What if I’ve been dead wrong the whole time?

What if “guarding my heart” actually meant giving it to Jesus?

What if I’m supposed to give it to Him to guard? Let Him keep it safe, and all the while, shaping it into a heart that’s ready to be given?

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That’s the real way to guard and protect it.

God doesn’t want me to pull a Rapunzel, and shut it away completely. Nor take the opposite extreme.

He just wants me to give it to Him to protect. He’s the best Defender anyways.

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Howie Day’s Collide, it may always have a little hold on my heart. I mean, I confess, after hearing it tonight, I may or may not have busted out the old yearbooks and scrapbooks, and taken a painful trip down memory lane.

But I bet if I give my heart to Jesus to protect, He’ll be able to shape it so that I can let that acoustic accompaniment go. And Collide will no longer cause an emotional collision between past and reality.

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

338 thoughts on “Guarding My Heart: Redefined

  1. Very insightful Caralyn, You can safeguard yourself from everything else but when you unexpectedly hear that one particular song, that memory you tried so hard to suppress comes out front and center. You remember how you gave your heart and soul to that one person who you thought was your forever but ended up as a blip in your life’s journey. I lost count as to how many times I’ve done that, but I never gave up and grew stronger and wiser for it. Although I can never get back what was given away, my heart became whole from the love that was given from my soulmate’s heart. Thanks for sharing this!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This made me laugh and I love it – so true… #dontberepunzell

    God doesn’t want me to pull a Rapunzel, and shut it away completely. Nor take the opposite extreme.

    He just wants me to give it to Him to protect. He’s the best Defender anyways.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s amazing the power music has to take us down memory lane. You seem to glean much wisdom through your life journey and I’m sure that God is smiling at how you’ve chosen to touch many lives through your words and insights. Much Love. – Amy

    Like

  4. Debra Fileta makes the point in her book True Love Dates that ‘guarding your heart’ isn’t a terribly useful thought, because it “comes with very little practical application in that no one really knows how to put it into practice.”

    But what you say is true. Surviving the zombie apocalypse might keep us safe, but it is not the best way to love, or to learn how to love. In the end, pain isn’t the enemy, sin is. And that’s why moving forward, while letting Jesus keep watch over our hearts is the best way to go.

    Like

  5. From one writer to another, you use great adjectives. On another note, I’ve given my heart and body away, and now also find myself questioning how I’ll be able to find someone to give away my guarded heart to. I was struggling with it hard just the other night, crying out to God in my room because I didn’t know how to contain the passion I had for a family, which of course includes a sex drive. Then he gave me peace and sleep for I had work in the morning, and the next day (yesterday) led me to this sermon series: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqmvcUdqhnw&list=PLQaqmuG3ihAsS2IJPCLoUzoM-z4mFWS7_

    -Frederik

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  6. First of all, I’m proud to be acquainted with someone who has the strength to save themselves for marriage. It is an honorable decision. Second, I think you have the right idea about leaving your heart’s protection to Jesus. That’s because he can remake, reshape, and totally heal the heart. We shouldn’t be afraid to be vulnerable. It is, unfortunately, the only way (I believe) to truly be known.

    My wife separated in 2001 and then we divorced in 2004. I have not allowed myself any vulnerabilities and thus no relationships of a romantic nature. Because I was so incredibly hurt I inadvertently closed myself off. It has been a somewhat lonely life. Slowly though, I have been getting better. I have a long way to go though.

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  7. A most beautiful post from a most beautiful person- heart, mind, body, and soul! Thank you for sharing this. It can feel very lonely when going through it but reading that others have gone through similar obstacles somehow makes it a little easier to bare. You are not alone.<3

    Like

  8. As always, you’re inspiring and humorous. You’re right to allow Jesus to guard your heart and to guard your body as well. He won’t let you down. Continue to trust Him. He has greatness waiting for you. Wait for Him!

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  9. Hi BBB,

    I am always encouraged to read your posts, especially as you keep pitting the Lord first. Jesus guards your heart and He is the reason you can live the right person. Especially in the times we live building a Godly relationship will be a witness to those who need to know where their hope should be placed.

    Have a great NY state of mind,

    Gary

    On Mon, Jun 19, 2017 at 4:00 PM BeautyBeyondBones wrote:

    > beautybeyondbones posted: “There are certain things that I’ve vowed never > to do again… Number one: Drink tequila on an empty stomach. Number two: > Google myself. Number three: Look up ex-boyfriends on Facebook. Because let > me tell you, it is a swift punch in the gut to see” >

    Like

  10. This post reminded me of a pain I have carried around for more than 25 years, of my first boyfriend when I was 13 years old, and his breaking up with me. I responded in anger and hurt, which caused him to despise me. He later married one of my closest friends from school, someone who I felt inferior to because she was prettier and more popular than I was.

    I’m very happily married now, but there was still this nugget of pain inside me, of feeling ‘second best’. I was ‘friends’ on Facebook with my old school friend, and it hurt to see pictures of their family. This week I brought it to Jesus and asked him to heal that old pain, and I believe that He has. He can take all the pain and ugliness of our pasts, and the things that we regret, and use it for His glory.

    Like

    1. Hey Friend, Thanks so much for sharing your story. Gosh I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. That sounds like it was heartbreaking. I’m glad that Jesus has healed that wound. God is good. You are definitely not second best….you are the precious daughter of the King:) Sending so much love and hugs xox

      Like

  11. Love. Has honesty included. It makes up for everything else that love was not before, love. I’ve thought a lot about love. Waiting is good. Hearts break because we love not because we do not love.

    Like

  12. Obviously, I’m catching up on a few weeks of being occupied elsewhere. And, I’m reading posts from most recent to where I left off. In doing so, I see a connection being the feeling of the emotions of loss here and your post some days in the future about consoling a friend about his mourning. Feel on… – Oscar

    Like

  13. It is so interesting that I came across this post tonight. For several weeks now, I have been reflecting on that I give myself away emotionally to people I come across in daily life. I thought that then people would get a glimpse of me…my thoughts and energy…my spirit. Instead, I am painfully learning not to do so…and will no longer offer up the goodness of myself to everyone. I deserve that respect and love for myself, and appreciate it far more than a random stranger. Many blessings…

    Like

  14. Hello Caralyn,
    This is such a beautiful post. You do have to protect your heart and your story, but you also get to choose who you share your beautiful story with. Your heart is so beautiful, true, and pure and with Jesus as your defender you are unstoppable.
    Even then, it is still hard to know what to save and what to share. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
    I admire you so much for your strength, but also your ability to be candid and vulnerable.

    This is a little off topic, but for some reason this made me think of a website called “Albion-services.”
    https://www.albion-services.com

    It is a website that uses facial recognition to find out if someone is on Tinder. It seemed kind of unreal when I first came across it (like something you would see in a movie) kind of unreal, but I have friends who actively use Tinder and said that it saved them a lot of heartache.
    I think it was when you said, “Do we never let anyone in so as not to get hurt, or do we risk the potential heartache and give our precious heart to anyone worth a “swipe right?” that made me think of Tinder.

    Here is a post I wrote about Albion a little while ago:

    https://livingoutloud.blog/2017/06/12/are-they-faithful

    You are in my thoughts and prayers always, my Dear Darling Friend.

    ❤ Alana

    Like

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