Permission to Feel

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I’m going to be honest, I have 2 vodka/coconut waters in my system, so this post may be a bit…spirited.

Ba-dum chh!

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Bad joke. OKAY!

I had a conversation with a friend tonight that has completely pulled at my heartstrings and offered me some much needed perspective.

So naturally, I’ve decided to share with you, my wonderful internet friends 🙂

Sometimes we need to grant ourselves permission to mourn for ourselves.

Alright, that’s coming straight out of left field. I should probably back up a bit.

I don’t think there’s a person on this earth who isn’t going through, or has gone through a difficult season.

I was talking with my friend tonight about that. About this incredibly difficult season that he’s had to navigate through this past year with the murder of his friend from a hate crime, and other family challenges. Things that I cannot imagine going through.

And he’s a young man. In college. The “prime” of his life, and yet his world has been absolutely turned upside-down in a series of truly tragic and unfortunate events.

Listening to him tonight, and hearing the pain he was carrying around with him, and the pull between moving on and being angry, I just felt called to tell him something, that I decided I wanted to share with you, too.

It’s okay to mourn for yourself. 

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Listening to my friend talk about this lost year where he was dealing with the repercussions of everything, I just felt called to tell him that he has permission to mourn for that lost time. To mourn for the time he’s been grieving and sad and lost and angry. Because in giving yourself permission to feel those strong feelings, you are sending a signal to yourself that your feelings and your emotions matter. It’s okay to feel down or mad or frustrated about that period of time when you were grieving – time that you “should” have been living out the “prime” of your life.

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One of the most healing things for me was to finally mourn the period of my life that I lost to my eating disorder.

For such a long time I just pushed it to the back of my mind, thinking I deserved to not walk in my graduation. I deserved the shattered relationships, the squandered high school years and the delay in college. But the fact is, I lost close to 3 years to my anorexia. Time that I can’t get back, and time that “should” have been spent living life to the full. But instead it was spent in the chains of an eating disorder that nearly took my life.

It’s okay to mourn the loss of that time.

I needed to acknowledge to myself that, yeah, that period of time was stolen by an insipid disease, and it really sucks that life played out that way.

But allowing myself to come to terms – fully – with the truth and the reality of my past was one of the first steps in my true healing. The first step in the peace that – may not have fully resolved the strife in my heart – but it did give me the freedom to move forward with my life.

That’s what it allows – it allows freedom.

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Being that it’s the Fourth of July tomorrow, I really wanted to incorporate the notion of freedom into my post. But I didn’t really know what the angle was that I was supposed to take.

But this is it: allowing ourselves to feel, and acknowledging the wounds we have gives us tremendous freedom. Freedom to heal. Freedom to seek to peace. Freedom to embrace the light. Freedom to let them go. There is freedom when we acknowledge those pains, and then give them to Jesus. 

There’s so much guilt and pain and suffering that we’re all walking around with – what if we could break free from that?  What if we could just give ourselves permission to not be “okay?” Allow ourselves to feel the feelings – the wounds – that aren’t all shiny and pretty? That’s the first step. Then giving those wounds to Jesus? — That’s freedom.

I just wanted to take that agony away from my friend tonight. Give him the courage to mourn for himself and for the pain he’s gone through, and the loss of that time.

No matter the situation, healing is never a “Point A – to Point B” trip. It’s a multidirectional journey with lots of stops, road blocks, and backtracks along the way. But one thing’s for sure: Jesus is paving the way for you every step of the way.

And there’s no greater freedom than releasing our pain to Him.

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

299 thoughts on “Permission to Feel”

  1. Yes, we all go through it, at one time or another, this has been an especially difficult year for me as well, so I can empathize with what he is going through. Unless you go though something like this you don’t fully understand what Jesus meant when he said, “Happy are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” It’s only by going through the hard times that we realize who our true friends are, for they will be the ones offering us comfort. It is only by going through the hard times that we know how to offer comfort to others when they need it.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Yes. Our Lord said it himself. “How blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” It’s from the Sermon on The Mount from the Fifth Chapter of St Matthew’s Gospel. Or maybe the 6th Chapter. Reading both chapters won’t harm anyone. Great post.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Pastor, love the pic of you and the stained glass! It’s an omen! Important topic you write about today which could open many conversations! Prayers for your Mom!

    Like

  5. Great thoughts and perspective. At 56 years young, I’ve seen many seasons of life from beautifully fantastic to just plain awful. The better you are at rolling with life’s punches, the better off you’ll be in due time. Since we can’t delete things from memory like a hard drive does, they must be filed and integrated into our lives. Making us the unique individual that we all are. So sorry for your friend. 😞

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Ah, man. Once again, your post leaves me teary eyed for good reason. The comments here are also being used by the Holy Spirit… Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. I want to share the comfort– and Comforter– with you tonight, in response to this post.
    “It’s okay to feel down or mad or frustrated about that period of time when you were grieving – time that you ‘should’ have been living out the ‘prime’ of your life.” This. As I thought to myself, “Jesus, those two years of my life sucked”– grieving the time of my life I should have been blossoming into a young adult like you wrote about here– I heard His Voice. It was Joel 2:25 (I will also include verses 26-27, which spoke to me).
    “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—
        the great locust and the young locust,
        the other locusts and the locust swarm—
    my great army that I sent among you.
    26 You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,
        and you will praise the name of the Lord your God,
        who has worked wonders for you;
    never again will my people be shamed.
    27 Then you will know that I am in Israel,
        that I am the Lord your God,
        and that there is no other;
    never again will my people be shamed.”

    I am so sorry if the verses about food have struck a bad chord, that’s not what I meant at all. But it was amazing– I lamented to Jesus about my lost years, and I was immediately comforted by His Voice. He will repay what was ripped away. He has restored, is restoring, and will restore. Boom.

    May we stay oh-so close to our Jesus, so that He can do that healing work that only He can do. ❤

    Praise Jesus for this post, and for you, Caralyn.
    With Love in Christ,
    Annalee

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I thought to JESUS, “Jesus, those two years of my life sucked.” Clarification, not using His Name in vain! Sorry about that haha.

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    2. Aw, Annalee, I’m so glad this hit home with you. thank you for this thoughtful reflection. Yeah, lost years are something that we have to come to terms with. Amen – Jesus is the ultimate healer. know that you’re in my prayers, friend. big hugs xo

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    3. Thanks Fam 😊 and Thank you– how can I be praying for you?
      And this theme also SO speaks to the situation with the Chibok girls… Thank you. ❤

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  11. Obviously Satan foes not agree with you! I was attacked by him and prayed for Jesus to intervene for by behalf. Of course I do not drink so that would never do.

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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  12. Funny thing is… I was thinking this yesterday when I was blogging yesterday (If you want some further insight, read it!) and it’s amazing to see how you’ve put in a picture what I was framing.

    Just thinking aloud! Great read.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Acknowledgement and acceptance are true building blocks of peace and healing. We’ve all been there, and you’re right…it’s ok. With faith and effort, we will overcome. Thanks for the strong and beautiful message!

    Liked by 2 people

  14. I’m not opposed to the idea that “everything is God’s will or God’s plan”. But I do object to the implicit corollary that we shouldn’t be mourning or feeling bad about anything. The plan doesn’t always comfort. Explaining “why” doesn’t always comfort. Job’s friends proved that. God accepts our tears (well, our deserves ones) and I’m a pretty fierce defender of that part of our inheritance as members of God’s kingdom through Christ.

    Good post as always.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I like this. I feel like I still haven’t completely mourned for all the lost opportunities in the past, to mourn for the friendships and experiences and relationships that never happened because I spent too much time studying, because I didn’t understand how people worked, and because I spent most of my 20s in churches that were very strict and legalistic about how men and women should interact. I haven’t completely mourned the passing of my chance to get married in my early 20s and start having children soon after, and because of this, to have a place in American church culture. And I’m not sure how to do this. I say that the problem is that I don’t know where to go from here, since I don’t really have a blueprint for what life should look like as a 40-year-old Christian who has never been married and has no children, but maybe at least part of the problem is that I haven’t properly mourned.

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    1. thanks so much Pi 🙂 Yeah, my heart definitely goes out to you. Things may have turned out differently than planned, but I know that God has something good in store for you. Something that will be worked out in His timing, and I know that hearing that is eye-roll worthy and frustrating, but hang in there. I will definitely keep you in my prayers. Big hugs to you friend xo

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Healing thoughts and words for those who do not think they deserve to mourn- after all I lost time or opportunity because of something I messed up. The lost periods do not end no matter how long we are around and the repetition sometimes can get me down. Then I am drawn to Jeremiah 29:11 where I am assured that God’s plans for me may include lost times and the need for mourning but those plans are always part of giving me hope for the future. Great post as usual. I never get tired of reading them. Hope u do not tire of sharing them. God bless. John

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey John, thanks for this. You’re so right – God’s plans will definitely include some trials, but we ca rest assured that He will use them for good. thanks for stopping by. big hugs xox

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  20. I love this Caralyn! It made me think of something a little different. It made me think of when my youngest daughter went to college and my husband and I became empty nesters. That was a hard stage for me. I realized I was mourning for that amazing period in my life that I’d never get back. All I had ever wanted to do was be a stay at home mom. I enjoyed every moment. Then, much too fast, my girls grew up. I let myself be sad, and I adjusted pretty well. But yes, mourning for a period of time in your life that you lost…. or that you loved….. is healthy. Happy 4th of July!😊❤️🇺🇸

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  21. You have such a beautiful soul.. A wonderful post, thank you. Two things you didn’t know about me, I’m a drummer and my dad was a minister 🙂 I love the photo of you and the stained glass cross 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  22. I think I’ve mentioned before that my childhood was not the close-knit family experience that a lot of people know. When you or others talk about how close you are to your parents, I understand you on a strictly intellectual basis. I really don’t know what that’s like, how it might feel.

    A few days after we buried my dad I had a pretty intense crying jag that Julie helped me through. I wasn’t mourning him. I was mourning the fact that, although I don’t think it was ever going to happen, there was now no chance I’d ever have a normal, close, father-son relationship with him.

    When my mom died, there was no grief over anything. After two years of visiting her in a nursing home where she refused to do anything to help herself, I was simply relieved it was over. People commented on how well I coped with “losing her.” I just said she’s in heaven, so there’s no reason to be sad, which was only part of the truth.

    Even at my age, I still have bouts of feeling sad that I never got to experience a real bond with my parents, but I let it in, roll it over in my mind, and then let it go. I don’t fight it. Neither do I nurture it. I let it have it’s time and then move on. I’m just thankful to God that He motivated me and showed me how to do better.

    Our family therapist in Toledo once told me that life is the process of mourning loss; from losing the womb to gradually losing bits and pieces of ourselves, both mentally and physically, we must deal with loss.

    I’d say your friend is mourning the loss of his friend, his own innocence, what was once, I think, a somewhat more civilized world. I’m sure his “feelings package” is different from anyone else in a similar situation. That doesn’t invalidate them. As you wisely said, he must acknowledge them and allow them. If he doesn’t, he’ll be stuck in that emotional cycle. As I do, he should neither block nor hold onto them. Let them have their moment, thank God for them, and let Him carry them.

    For you, I would suggest that your three years gripped in ED’s grasp weren’t lost. That period was your apprenticeship into the wisdom you now have from it and the boon you are now to so many people. That was the fire God refined you in to do His work and spread his Word.

    Should you mourn the cost of relationships, lost proms, etc.? If that’s what you feel, of course! Jesus’ own feelings had Him sweating blood! He feared the task and possibly mourned the future as a man He’d never see. I guess that was part of the temptation to bail.

    If you, your friend, or any of your readers have emotions to acknowledge, well, I think Jesus understands and remains ready to help. He’s intimately aware of our condition.

    Like

    1. Life is a process of mourning loss. Wow, what a powerful thought. Thank you so much for sharing this, Jeff. Gosh, my heart just goes out to you. I can’t imagine what you had to go through in mourning those emotions. I think you’re right – we have to feel them and move on. I’m glad that you had Julie by your side during that. You’re right – Jesus stands ready to help. Love this reflection so much. Thanks Jeff. Big hugs xo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hugs back to you, my prophet friend! You certainly were your friend’s prophet in speaking comfort to him. I pray you are having a great, restorative time with family!

        Like

  25. I think we are allowed to go through hurts in this life so we can contrast the agony of the here and now with the promise none of those hurts, ailments, or for that matter death exist in heaven, and heaven is open to all of us if we choose that rather than the materialism of this world. If we choose materialism we vote for non-existence and will get what we desire. While I concur with this excellent presentation I’d like to say a word about anger because the injustice in this world makes all of us disenfranchised and angry. I was angry for years at injustice done to me, but then one day I woke up to the fact my anger didn’t hurt my enemies, they were going on their merry way unaffected. But it was destroying my health and I made the decision for my own preservation that anger had to stop as it was eating me away just as anorexia sucked the life out of you for a time. I believe that was a God given gift recognizing how foolish I’d been to let anger ruin me. Now I can look back on that experience, painful as it was, as a lesson in discipline I had to learn to move me in the direction of my goal heaven.

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  27. God cares, you know. Do you remember the story of how Jesus and the disciples got into a boat and “started across the lake”—referring to the Sea of Galilee. “Suddenly, a terrible storm came up, with waves breaking into the boat” (Matthew 8:23-24). While not unusual, storms on the Sea of Galilee would come up suddenly and could be very violent. The disciples were frightened, but Jesus “was sleeping” (8:24). The disciples must have felt like Jesus was sleeping on the job. They were hurt at his apparent indifference to their plight: “Teacher, don’t you even care that we are going to drown?” they asked him (Mark 4:38).

    Who of us has not experienced a sudden squall in life’s placid waters and suddenly been nearly swamped? Maybe we have been healthy one day and facing a terrible prognosis the next. Maybe the storm has taken the form of a divorce, sudden unemployment, or a house fire. Maybe it’s just the little stresses building up in our too-busy lives that suddenly threaten to sink us. Christ may well be “on board,” but that doesn’t stop us from feeling frightened, bewildered, and hurt that he is apparently sleeping on the job.

    The disciples’ fear was addressed when Christ woke up, rebuked the men and the storm (in that order), and asked the men what had happened to their faith (Matthew 8:26-27). Fear and faith are antithetical—Jesus expects us to trust him in the storms of life. Why should we? Because he controls all nature and can control our stormy human situations, as well as give us peace.

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  28. Mourning is a deeply personal thing and I never thought it was so personal that you have to do it for yourself every now and then. It’s like when you lose a job or lose a relationship or something else very special. Everyone has to go through a season of saying farewell to things.

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  32. It’s necessary to mourn the loss of time, to grieve for yourself…and in all of that, you also have permission to ask Father God to redeem that time, those circumstances. It’s what He does, what He wants to do for us. Ask Him to do it for you. He will. ❤

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  34. Yes! Great post. As one author put it- emotions are the cry of the soul. I can’t agree more how important it is to have compassion and grieve for ourselves and younger selves. The alternative often leads to shame and pain. Happy 4th!

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  35. Hugs all around you!! Yes, healing takes time. It takes patience. We get so used to many others not wanting to hear when we feel down, troubled, sad etc.. They see it as “too much drama” and don’t want any part of it. Now its not great to dwell and dwell etc.. but to feel different feelings then “oh happy go lucky” is totally natural and totally acceptable in getting us through tough times and toward healing. As much as joy is a part of it all, so is pain. Hugs for all your joys and also all your pains!! xoxoxoxo

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    1. People sometimes do it with my poetry. They only want to see me write happy joyous or upward things. Sometimes I’m angry, or saddened and I have to get those out!! You are worth it every day no matter if you are happy, sad, glad, or mad! More love and hugs!! xoxoxoxo

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      5. Early Summer on Limekiln

        A June afternoon

        a cloud filled sky

        sun shining high

        canoes and kayaks

        paddling by the

        beach uncrowded

        not yet July.

        The beautiful pines

        the maple trees

        tall and pristine

        with vibrant needles

        and broadened leaves

        full of life

        glorious green.

        A lake of blue

        of current so gentle

        helping to spiritually

        renew and settle down

        issues so dramatic so

        mental waters so

        calm not over run

        by crowds

        from a popular hotel

        or vacation rental.

        A beautiful day

        a beautiful breeze

        a beautiful mountain

        covered by trees

        a beautiful family

        having fun

        basking in the

        light of the beautiful

        summer sun.

        ~Miguel

        Like

  36. Very honest and beautifull post! Ironically I just posted a very similar topic! Not just saying that to promote myself but I love it when things like this happen because it proves we are all connected somehow. I fully understand and can realate to your feelings of lost years and YES you absoulutely have the right to your feelings. We can’t truly let go of something until you bravely stare it down and deal with it.
    Marta Justyna

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  37. Just wanted to say thanks for liking several of the posts on my blog! Like this post as well. Good insight! We all go through tough times, some more than others. I think it’s okay to question and reflect. It helps us to make sense of the world we live in and allows God to speak to us. Blessings to you!

    Like

  39. I am just coming out of the darkest part of my life, the loss of three invaluable and loved and closest people in the world to me. I mourned unabashedly and depressingly for nine months and then decided to birth it and start new life. A bit morbid maybe but everyone has their way of forging through and I never ever could b have done that one without God holding me. It is the closest I have ever been to death and to God, the realest I have been with myself to just be. It is essential. You and I share that history, same thing different paths and I am so glad your friend came to you because you get it and can share Jesus with him. Without Jesus, we are lost without hope. With Jesus, we have comfort and renewed strength when we mourn. It ends us beautiful. Only God can take junk and make a masterpiece from it. He did that for me and I am His fully because of it. Love you, girl. Chin up. Keep going, sweet friend. ❤

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    1. oh tonya, i am just so deeply sorry for your loss. My heart absolutely goes out to you. You’re right, everyone has their way of navigating grief, and I’m so glad that you’ve found your strength in God. Know that you are in heart and prayers. Thank you for sharing your story. sending you so much love xox

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  40. I know mourning is good , feeling is good. I love my parents and they live really far, same country ,but far nevertheless. If anything happens to them, I wonder if I could reach in time. Any sad news of someone else parent’s demise always triggers my mourning for my parents, even though they aren’t. It is like am preparing myself that I may not be by their side and it is very hurtful even to think and I could not help but cry.
    It is worst because they are not dead. I talk to them almost everyday. It is the fear of loosing them and be not there when the moment comes that I hate. I hate myself for crying over .. but I really can’t help and do not want to even try.

    I always believe in feeling and letting emotions out. This time am taking it too far ..

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    1. Hi Hira, thank you so much for sharing this. I can definitely relate. Losing my parents is my ultimate fear as well. I’m glad you still talk to them frequently. I’m sure that means a lot to them. Thanks for stopping by. keeping you and your parents in my heart and prayers. big hugs xox

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  41. Thank you so much for this. It is exactly what I needed to hear. I’m in a season of grief, and I am so tired of people saying it will all be ok or to suck it up and get over it. All I really need is a time to not be ok, to cry, to grieve, to throw things and to feel. I know I’ll get to a better place but I won’t get there until I am allowed to feel what I am experience. Thank you for a space to be vulnerable.

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    1. hi friend, i’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through a difficult season. You take all the time you need to come to terms with your feelings, because you’re right- it’s okay to not be okay. Just know that you’re in my heart and prayers, and even though I don’t know you – i love you and i hope that things get better soon. But until then, feel what you feeling and know that there are people who care about you. sending so much love and hugs x

      Liked by 1 person

  42. Beautifully said. We have to allow ourselves to mourn for ourselves at times or else we will never be able to heal. The worst lies we tell on the ones we tell ourselves, and pretending you are okay when you aren’t is one of the worst lies we tell ourself.

    It is okay to hurt and be different and struggle and not have it all figured out. The more people realize this the happier we will be as a society because we will stop feeling not good enough and we will realize that we have to power to lift people up. Thanks again for sharing.

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  44. We call it loss because the expectation was positive. The northern tribes have this funny way of celebrating every attempt it humbles the winners and creates bonds of cooperation between everyone. Americans do not celebrate everything only the winners. That gap between winners and losers creates much sorrow.

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      1. There is a wholeness to God that we do not have. A broad perspective, that we are here to achieve. I could lose everything tomorrow that would be my doing, not God’s. I could be a millionaire and it would be the same. I don’t think God really cares what part of Christianity we believe in as long as we can endure this life and still believe when we are called too.

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      3. Agreed. There’s a freedom to it. You knew when you called on Him your insecurity disappeared. Is fear any different? Loss? God is the great accountant but cannot tell us the “why” in our actions. Only we can. Sure, He has the power to level cities but how much suffering have we caused each other. Even in His name.

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  46. Powerful words Caralyn and so insightful. If we don’t acknowledge out own pain, the time that we have lost and acknowledge the guilt that we feel, we will carry it around our necks like a heavy chain for the rest of our lives – and I speak from personal experience. You know, I’m sitting here in the UK, it’s 7am and I’m reading your post, I felt pretty terrible when I woke up, but your post (as they so often do) has galvanised me and made me feel a little stronger. Maybe today won’t be so bad after all. You are an inspiration to many – never forget that. God bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

  48. Thanks for your posts. My 14 year old daughter has been hospitalised for anorexia and so we are mourning her health and her presence with us and also our freedom to do things together as a family. Her hospitalisation was a shock. I knew she was ill, but didn’t realise how ill and there were things I wish I had realised earlier. I wrote an article about it on medium https://medium.com/@christinegrant222/eight-things-i-wish-id-known-about-anorexia-ea6ebdcbb13c
    I know your busy but if you have time to take a look and comment please do.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh gosh friend I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. I will definitely keep her and you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I will definitely check out your post. Hang in there friend. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  49. As I understand it, the reason for a mirror is the Light. And Light understood as the Lord Jesus who took upon us our pains, our anguish and our death.
    It is very common when I am praying, or diluting myself under the feet of the Lord Jesus, transforming me into water, I am moved; Sometimes I even smile, but in general my darkness, pain, hurt, revolts, stupidity, my past, the present, the future, etc., all this … is diluted, and I get up and take care of the life.
    So, this is how it works: The Lord delivers our darkness.
    This is the difference that faith makes for those who believe, for those who receive, understand and practice the gift of believing.
    I add my testimony to her words, Caralyn, without fear, because this is the feeling I am allowed to have, by my faith in Christ, this is my freedom, granted to be free.
    I immerse myself in Him to renew me every day, to restore myself, to strengthen myself, to strengthen myself, and to rise and go and take care of my life.
    And this is the intention: believe in Him, exercise this power to believe in Him in your behalf and for all those whom your words are permitted to attain.
    Grace and Peace!

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      2. Editing is:
        Link from your page + / Wp-admin /

        Sorry for this inconvenience, I already asked WP to allow access to editing our own comments on other pages. Thank you!

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  50. Hi…
    I couldn’t agree more with what you have shared!
    Amen and amen!!
    What stood out especially was when you spoke about healing. Your exact words were,

    “No matter the situation, healing is never a “Point A – to Point B” trip. It’s a multidirectional journey with lots of stops, road blocks, and backtracks along the way. But one thing’s for sure: Jesus is paving the way for you every step of the way.”

    That really spoke to me.
    Great post!

    Rolain

    Liked by 1 person

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