It’s not very often that I’m shaken by things.
I’m pretty bullet proof.
I mean, as an actor, rejection is part of the game.
And hey, putting my life out on the internet, I’m pretty much asking for people to hit me with a myriad of varying opinions. I get it. Heck, I welcome it. Bring it on.
But what I don’t appreciate, is ignorance.
Nope, I don’t appreciate bullies hiding behind the anonymity of a computer screen to tear down or intimidate another person.
That, in my opinion, is the lowest of lows.
I mean, we’re better than that, people.
And to be honest, I hate to even give a bully the time of day, but I was just so disgusted that I had to clear something up.
Over the weekend, I received an email. I was out on the boat with my family, and I was scrolling through my messages, as I often do during the day, and I came across a message that, in so many words, was calling me a temptress. This person said some truly hurtful things, questioning the authenticity of my faith, and saying I was trying to make men stumble and putting my story on the internet with the purpose of making men “lust” after me.
It was just so condescending and offensive.
I couldn’t believe it. I thought, are you reading the same blog??
And so, as someone who won’t shy away from a clap back, I decided to clear up precisely why I write this blog. Share what my true motives are.
Because…news flash: it’s not to make men “lust” after me.
There was a time in my life that was very dark: when I was going through my anorexia, ten years ago.
And the thing about this disease that makes it so insipid, is that it thrives in secrecy. That’s why it is so painfully misunderstood.
Parents and doctors don’t know how to get through to the girls (or boys) suffering from this disease that is slowly killing them.
When I finally got better, I would talk to my parents about that heartbreaking season we had successfully been suppressing out of existence. And the number one thing they said was that they felt completely out of control. That their hands were tied.
They were watching their little girl slowly waste away, and there was nothing they could do to get through to me.
And that planted the seed in my mind. But it wasn’t until a friend’s sister began showing signs of an eating disorder, that I finally decided that this is what I was called to do.
I have always been a believer that God uses everything for good. No suffering is ever wasted, because eventually, it will be used to help another person.
And this was it.
I knew that I needed to tell my story: I needed to share the reality of the disease – tell all the things that girls going through an eating disorder wished they could tell their parents, but couldn’t…because “ED” wouldn’t let them.
During my anorexia, there were so many things that I wished I could have told my parents – things like, I’m lying to you about what I’m eating. Or I need you to ask me why I’m hurting. Or I’m afraid of gaining weight but I can’t tell you that because I don’t want to seem like a shallow and superficial jerk. Inside, I was just screaming at the top of my lungs for help, but I was being strangled by the rituals and fear and control of the eating disorder.
Anorexia and secrecy go hand in hand, and I wanted to just tear down the curtain and expose all things that parents needed to know about what their child was going through so that maybe one person could be saved from the agony and anguish my family endured during those three years that I was controlled by anorexia.
I’m not proud of my story. I’m not sharing these things to “brag.” And certainly not to allure men to pity me or be attracted to me. That is just…what?!?
I’m sharing my story to hopefully prevent a girl from adolescent osteopenia, infertility, shattered relationships, a lifelong battle with self-worth and body dysmorphia, and all the other shit – excuse my French – that I’ve had to work through as a result of this damn disease.
Trying to get men to lust after me?
Sweetheart, it sounds like you need to take a cold, hard, look at your own insecurities.
I’m working through my issues, sounds like you should too.
And so I’d like to do something: I’ll be taking questions all this week,: You can email me, (firstname.lastname@example.org) or leave a comment here, with any questions you have, and I’ll answer as many as I can in a post next week.
I want to get back to the roots of this blog, and helping others – obviously not as a doctor/therapist/dietician or anyone with the “credentials” to professionally do so, but just as a girl who has been to those depths and back, and is now living in the abundance of a life free from ED.
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