The Silent Scream

It’s not very often that I’m shaken by things.

I’m pretty bullet proof.

I mean, as an actor, rejection is part of the game.


And hey, putting my life out on the internet, I’m pretty much asking for people to hit me with a myriad of varying opinions. I get it. Heck, I welcome it. Bring it on.

But what I don’t appreciate, is ignorance.

Nope, I don’t appreciate bullies hiding behind the anonymity of a computer screen to tear down or intimidate another person.

That, in my opinion, is the lowest of lows.

I mean, we’re better than that, people.

And to be honest, I hate to even give a bully the time of day, but I was just so disgusted that I had to clear something up.

Over the weekend, I received an email. I was out on the boat with my family, and I was scrolling through my messages, as I often do during the day, and I came across a message that, in so many words, was calling me a temptress. This person said some truly hurtful things, questioning the authenticity of my faith, and saying I was trying to make men stumble and putting my story on the internet with the purpose of making men “lust” after me.

It was just so condescending and offensive.

I couldn’t believe it. I thought, are you reading the same blog??

And so, as someone who won’t shy away from a clap back, I decided to clear up precisely why I write this blog. Share what my true motives are.

Because…news flash: it’s not to make men “lust” after me.

There was a time in my life that was very dark: when I was going through my anorexia, ten years ago.


And the thing about this disease that makes it so insipid, is that it thrives in secrecy. That’s why it is so painfully misunderstood.

Parents and doctors don’t know how to get through to the girls (or boys) suffering from this disease that is slowly killing them.

When I finally got better, I would talk to my parents about that heartbreaking season we had successfully been suppressing out of existence. And the number one thing they said was that they felt completely out of control. That their hands were tied.

They were watching their little girl slowly waste away, and there was nothing they could do to get through to me.

And that planted the seed in my mind. But it wasn’t until a friend’s sister began showing signs of an eating disorder, that I finally decided that this is what I was called to do.

I have always been a believer that God uses everything for good. No suffering is ever wasted, because eventually, it will be used to help another person.

And this was it.

I knew that I needed to tell my story: I needed to share the reality of the disease – tell all the things that girls going through an eating disorder wished they could tell their parents, but couldn’t…because “ED” wouldn’t let them.


During my anorexia, there were so many things that I wished I could have told my parents – things like, I’m lying to you about what I’m eating. Or I need you to ask me why I’m hurting. Or I’m afraid of gaining weight but I can’t tell you that because I don’t want to seem like a shallow and superficial jerk. Inside, I was just screaming at the top of my lungs for help, but I was being strangled by the rituals and fear and control of the eating disorder.

Anorexia and secrecy go hand in hand, and I wanted to just tear down the curtain and expose all things that parents needed to know about what their child was going through so that maybe one person could be saved from the agony and anguish my family endured during those three years that I was controlled by anorexia.

I’m not proud of my story. I’m not sharing these things to “brag.” And certainly not to allure men to pity me or be attracted to me. That is just…what?!?


I’m sharing my story to hopefully prevent a girl from adolescent osteopenia, infertility, shattered relationships, a lifelong battle with self-worth and body dysmorphia, and all the other shit – excuse my French – that I’ve had to work through as a result of this damn disease.

Trying to get men to lust after me?


Sweetheart, it sounds like you need to take a cold, hard, look at your own insecurities.

I’m working through my issues, sounds like you should too.


And so I’d like to do something: I’ll be taking questions all this week,: You can email me, ( or leave a comment here, with any questions you have, and I’ll answer as many as I can in a post next week.

I want to get back to the roots of this blog, and helping others – obviously not as a doctor/therapist/dietician or anyone with the “credentials” to professionally do so, but just as a girl who has been to those depths and back, and is now living in the abundance of a life free from ED.


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465 thoughts on “The Silent Scream

  1. I’m sure it’s very difficult to receive hurtful comments online. I’m sorry you have to go through that. I’m praying that God will give you the ability to forgive and pray for this person (if you haven’t already). That’s so tough to do in a situation like this, but it’s what we’re taught as children of god.

    Thanks inspiring so many with your story.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thanks so much Erin, i really appreciate your prayers and encouragement. you’re right – i need to pray for this person — easier said than done, but it’s what Jesus would do. thanks for your kind words. big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It seems kind of crazy that someone would say that….but people often see what they want to see I guess, and sometimes that is a reflection of their own struggles.
    For me, I know I’ve said it, but God has used your blog in my life, and I am so grateful that you’ve shared such personal insight concerning ED.
    The first time I read your blog, I didn’t read a post that necessarily concerned your past, but you wrote from the heart and it was so clear that you loved Jesus that I had to read more. But once I got to your struggles, went back and read through your blog….it’s helped me communicate with my sister and understand what she’s gone through. You’ve given me the ability to actually aid the healing process, not send her backtracking. So thank you. 🙂 Not only that, but many other girls are encouraged and guided by what you’ve written.


    1. Hi Yael, gosh, thank you so much for such generous words about my blog. I’m so glad that it has hit home with you so personallyand has given you insight with your sister. That gets me chocked up to think about. know that you and your sister are in my heart and prayers. thanks again for sharing this with me. big hugs xox


  3. Thanks for liking my Video Post. Hopefully there will be more of those jokes to come.

    But I gotta say…this clearly is the most lustful blog on the internet. I mean…I’ve seen some “stuff” online…and yet I always come back to your blog! Maybe that person had a point. I think maybe you are just too beautiful. Stop being so beautiful! You’re making the rest of the lustful internet look bad! Ahahahahahah

    Sorry if my sarcasm was a bit creepy.

    Honestly I’m always struck by how beautiful you are in a very unlustful way, and as a married man I deeply appreciate that because its one reason I’m so attracted to my wife and its just hard to deal with sexualized women. And I’m not talking about the dangers of “lust” (which is of course a real problem) as much as practicality. By which I mean if you’re trying to be a good man, and you want to respect women and also want women to feel attractive and appreciated it can be awkward dealing with women day to day to wear their sex on their sleeves. You do not do that at all, and I think you are very attractive and I feel only a tiny tinge of “marital guilt” saying that. And it’s not real guilt its that chivalrous fake guilt husbands feel whenever they fear their queen is being slighted, but my wife’s endless beauty cannot be impugned by the beauty of another.

    I think your writing is good and important but if you sexualized yourself I wouldn’t feel comfortable visiting your site, let alone commenting or complimenting you. My wife uses this computer and I have accountability systems. But this probably won’t be the last time you’re accused of this nonsense. Because honestly you’re model beautiful, and that’s threatening. I actually figured that’s what you did for a living…wait do you model? I don’t remember. In any case tt seems like every woman I’ve ever met who struggles with eating disorders is very very beautiful. Which is sad but also probably part of beauty in this fallen world, it becomes so important and fear of losing what “makes you valuable” must be horrible. I’m very glad you’ve escaped that with God’s help. Being physically beautiful really is such a wonderful gift from God and it should be treasured not used as a weapon against ourselves or others, but we humans manage to screw up everything! In any case keep up the good work…not being beautiful, though that’s great, I mean keep up the good blogging.

    God Bless


    1. Hahah gosh thanks. I appreciate your kindness so much. Yeah, God has definitely be the source of my recovery. I owe it all to Him. And I need to just remember that He’s always got my back and knows my heart. Thanks again for your thoughtful response. Hugs x

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I was up all night writing, so maybe I laid it on a bit thick, sorry if it was uncomfortable, but I still stand by what I said, so you’re welcome. And yes praise God.


  4. Blarg…
    It drives me crazy how so many self-titled “Faithful Christians” are obsessed with sex to the point where they see nothing else. A pretty woman wearing a dress? She’s flaunting herself sexually. A teenaged boy going shirtless at the pool? He’s trying to get sex. Teenaged girls asking questions about birth control? Oh, what, why? Because you want to have sex? WHO ARE YOU TEMPTING, LITTLE DEMON?????

    Blech. I hate it. I hate it so much.

    Brush it off. You have an important story to share that could help lots of girls and women.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Bullying is not cool and I hate it !! I am someone go went through a phase ( and still going through it ) I just felt empty useless and just super emotional and just wanna scream what is inside me and when the idea of a blog came to me it was like my own therapy where I just talk about topics and just do something and trying so hard to do a great job at it and me finding this blog just inspired me more to keep working on myself and just keep swimming


  6. “A beautiful woman is a happy woman.” (Audrey Hepburn) You look so pretty when you smile, and you should never let a catty, hateful low life demon like that “person” take one ounce of your joy! Keep shining and keep pushing your way through life! The best is yet to come!


  7. Sounds like that person needs to deal with things in their life, and seriously needs to read you blog posts properly
    That person are most likely a angry atheist, who dislike hearing or reading the truth about God’s love and help
    I did get told off on YouTube for my “wicked -evil” comment when I dared to suggest taking a problem to God!
    Continue to Shine your light of truth and share your struggle journey with all who you help and encourage


  8. My experience with romance is not typical in any way, so I don’t know how helpful my experience will be. All I know is decades of “putting myself out there” got me nowhere. I’ve never been good at striking up a conversation with women I meet. Hundreds of emails to women on online dating services went unanswered. The few I actually met in person never panned out. Trying to “attract a mate” and “believe God for a mate” led only to frustration and getting mad at God and thinking I was cursed.
    I decided to focus on writing, because obviously, love and marriage just weren’t going to work out for me. So when I saw her at a meeting of Christian Fiction Writers, I knew we had something in common. Two things, actually. We were writers, and faith in Christ was an important part of our lives and our writing. Knowing that made it easy to approach her, talk writing, and invite her for coffee and critiquing. We are now engaged. 🙂
    I don’t know how it will work out for you, but I believe it will. You certainly don’t need to go on the Bachelor for it, so good judgment there. Catfighting and backstabbing your way to a guy are not your style. The only advice I feel confident giving is don’t let well-meaning friends and family push you into something that doesn’t feel right to you, just to “put yourself out there.” I think I was ready for my soulmate because when I met her, I was doing something I felt good about. Participate in groups of people who share your deepest interests. That’s how you’re most likely to meet the right guy. And even if you don’t, you’ll still have a good time.


  9. People don’t always look at the core of your blog, or anyone’s blog, especially if they are coming across it. However, for them to feel, “oh so” inclined to lash at you, and try to stumble you in your walk with Christ…they’re being blind.

    For example, in life, there may be some personal choices that may differ from you and me, but I wouldn’t use those differences to lash at you. I accept you for who you are, and more than that, I see God at work. I see you working through your faith, and seeking God out. And you are a beautiful person because of your walk, and your light of Christ shining through. I’m not your Judge, and I’m not going to focus on every small detail, trying to be so narrow as to find flaws, and problems that are non existent, or for that matter…just aren’t my business ; ) .

    When people are hypocritical, or claim to believe they know what they are doing, they can be most blind. Scripture says multiple times people will have, “Ears that do not hear, and eyes that do not see.”

    Keep shining, girl. Those that are seeking the light will see it. Those that are blinded, just smile, and shake the dust off. : ) You got this because you are the daughter of a King.


      1. I’m at prayer right now at my church and God gave me this scripture, which I wanted to give to you Psalm 25:01-03, To You O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in You; Let me not be ashamed; Let not my enemies triumph over me. Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed; Let those be ashamed who deal treacherously without cause.


  10. Great post. Obviously the lamer who emailed you has the hots for you and totally admires you. Angry people usually strike out at the things they love the most.

    This quote is a great takeaway: “I have always been a believer that God uses everything for good. No suffering is ever wasted, because eventually, it will be used to help another person.”


  11. Baby gal, your story is beautiful you’ve come such a long way! Don’t let a bully pull you down! Your more than a conqueror through Christ our Lord. Let the whole world know where God has delivered you from and where He is taking you too….. proud of you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I agree with other commenters that your “penpal” needs prayers. Lust is a choice, just like any other sin — a choice to be selfish, to *take* pleasure, to use another. Unfortunately, I spent several years in that mode, and no one “made me” do it. You can’t make someone consent to sin.

    You could, I suppose, tempt or provoke another person (intentionally or out of ignorance), but in my short time here on your site, I don’t see it. Freedom and self-control go hand-in-hand…as men, we can’t hide behind “boys will be boys” anymore, and as ladies, you can’t settle for or excuse it either.

    We’re broken. Hence, prayers…

    Here’s my perspective on the topic of lust. It is both personal and old-school-Catholic, but the Catholic Church’s teachings on this topic changed my life and marriage:


    Liked by 1 person

  13. I am so sorry and this only lets you know something, when this “trash” starts coming at you, it means you have became a threat to what you fight against and it happens just to try to stop something God is doing through YOU in someone else’s life. And it is bad enough when we still have to listen to “men” with the “Jezebel” remarks about make-up and pants ( the area I am in STILL has ones who “preach” that stuff ) and Jesus never said that women “CAUSE” lust, He actually said, in reference to MEN, that “Whosoever looketh upon on woman TO lust after her”, had already committed it in HIS heart (Matthew 5:28) He never said ANYTHING about women. But it is even worse when we are attacked by our own and I have heard women say things, even about rape victims that I could truly never understand how anyone could think so cruelly especially about their own gender and have often wondered if it is something driven in their heads by predators in their own past. You are right, the person obviously has issues to deal with. But you ARE a blessing to many and when the “enemy comes in like a flood” God will lift up a standard and I promise those “judge” you will also answer to God. For some comfort read Isaiah 54:17, hang in there you’ll see your reward for perseverance!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I’m sorry you had to hear hurtful words. I just want you to know that from the first time I read your blog I found it inspirational, real, authentic, and very helpful for those dealing with the same issues. Being online and vulnerable is never easy. It’s an uneasy feeling at times to put oneself out there. I’m still not sure I’m ready. But I take baby steps on my blog, and pray somehow God will use my past to bring Him glory… as you’re doing. God bless you dear one, and thank you for connecting with me and being an encouragement to me on my blog 💕


  15. Thanks for being who you are and doing what you do. 🙂 Undamaged, balanced people (of whom there are less than we might think or wish in this world) can see your motivation and story and desire to help others is true (Christian even;-) ).
    Damaged and unbalanced ones likely do not and cast their own ideas based upon their own experiences – which most likely are very negative in some, if not all, aspects – upon what they see in your blog (as well as in you by extension). Remembering that we all have our demons to deal with may help make it easier to forgive the person and diminish any hurt you allowed yourself to feel at the moment of reading the email.

    You seem to me ( for what my personal opinion could possibly be worth to anyone else) to be someone who has now largely got it all together and hopefully are bound for a rich and fulfilling (and perhaps still challenging) life. Don’t let the ‘turkeys’ drag you down to their level but soar with the eagles!

    Anyway, i mostly came just to thank you for the visit and like on my blog! 🙂




  16. Being in recovery takes a lot of effort sometimes. Sounds like this guy was just a total chode! We do not have to engage in addictive behavior for anyone or anything. He probably thought you were pretty and did not know how to express himself. And you are pretty, that was the first thought when I seen your blog. Move forward. B


  17. Thank you for coming back on your bully! What a jerk! Life is too short to have to put up with that type of thing but you can’t let it go unchallenged either. A sick mind!

    I want to especially thank you for tackling the issue of anorexia and take steps to move it out of the shadows. My wife knew of a couple where the wife was admitted to the hospital and the doctor came up to the husband and asked how long his wife had been anorexic? The husband was shocked because he had no idea because his wife hid it so well. Sadly, he also received the news that his wife was not going to live much longer and she died within the week. Please keep up your crusade and know that you are saving lives from what you experienced. You are very brave!!!

    Oh, and thanks for being such a supporter of my words!!!


  18. This person obviously doesn’t read your blog. What the heck? How are you being a temptress? Your posts are motivating, inspiring and talking about the goodness of God. Why o’ why do folks email you with drama.


  19. I love your approach of speaking the truth in love. I nearly fell into the trap of anorexia as a teenager–there but for the grace of God go I! Please, keep doing what you are doing and God bless.


  20. Thank your for liking my post. Please continue doing what you set out to do. Don’t mind people like that. They have always been around and they will always be there. But, think about it this way: are they not serving a purpose by strengthening your resolve and your commitment? If he had not written that hurtful responses, you would, probably, have not written this beautiful post. We are told that God works in mysterious ways. Peace be with you!


      1. That’s exactly why I became a substance abuse counselor and also why I started Anonymous People. My tenants are moving out on September 20 and I’m going to open a sober house in my multi-family to support those in need. Great read here BBB!


  21. You are doing the right thing, sharing and encouraging other people. There will always be negative people out there but you just keep going. I am glad you will not be silenced by people who try to bring you down. That’s the way to go!


  22. After receiving emails regarding this post, as I am following. I feel it is necessary to express my point of view on disorders, addiction and diseases. First off, I am not a bully hiding behind the anonymity of my computer screen trying to bring others down due to my own insecurities. My name is Bobby C. I live in Worcester, Ma. and I’m an alcoholic. My user name is Anonymous due to my website being Anonymous People. The fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous believe in adhering to anonymity among followers, I could care less who knows I’m alcoholic. If it weren’t for the places we’ve been, we wouldn’t be who or where we are today.

    Posting on the internet about your most intimate or best kept secrets is either pure insanity or by far the most courageous act of honesty you could possibly endure. I’ll go with the latter and say that keeping things to yourself is in most cases why people don’t get better regardless of their personal battle. We can’t fight our own thoughts; they are the ones that are kicking our ass, lol. Most importantly, do not hold resentments or let them drive your thoughts. This guy and his oblivious comments are like a tenant living in your head rent free. Evict him! Move forward and let the positive people who come into your life move in. Ignorance of others is not to be disregarded but rather understood. Think to yourself, “this guy is not living in my head, I’m living in his.” he’s probably reading this right now and knows it.

    Lust? If your profile was of an unattractive woman, the comment would never have been made. Because you are beautiful, yes you are beautiful and deserve to feel just that, his insecurities made him attack. People are naturally going to have their first impression based on appearance. After all, you see someone before you know someone. Of course attraction starts at appearance in most cases but rarely does love come at first sight. I loved someone who I was never attracted to through appearance. Just not my type so I thought! After spending some time together, I fell in love with her for who she was and that made her absolutely breathtaking.

    I have gone on too long and will conclude by saying Congratulations! to you and your success. What you are doing here is admirable and has helped me get through a rough start of the day. After all, isn’t that what recovery is in so many ways. Keep up the great work and God Bless you and yours…

    Bobby C. – Anonymous People


    1. Thanks you so much for your thoughtful response. You’re so right – I’ve gotta move forward. Thanks for all your encouraging words and for sharing your story. Means a lot 🙂 Hugs and love xox


  23. YOU, are a very smart young lady, and you keep on keeping on daughter of the Most High!!!!!!!
    There is a lovely little button for people like that: block.
    And pray for them – don’t engage.


      1. I think you already did what Jesus would do – you addressed the problem. But if somebody makes you shake, and it isn’t God…Jesus would probably tell everybody to get offline. 🙂


  24. Yes! I used to pray for every person I met online until somebody demanded I pray for them and then ensued to accuse me of not praying for, or caring for anybody, and I got swept away…still recovering from that! God bless you, and it’s so wonderful to see you healthy and strong!!!! I’ll get back there too.

    Liked by 1 person

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