Well The Bachelor auditions were today.
And before you fall out of your chair, no I didn’t go.
However, I’m not gonna lie, I was thisclose.
I even showered for the occasion…which…let’s just say, is a big deal 😉
My two best friends in the world really wanted me to audition. And for a while, I had committed to the idea of doing it. Because I feel like, if I’m ever going to find love, I’m gonna have to throw myself into a situation where that’s the only option.
Maybe that’s a little pessimistic. But, that’s kinda how I’m feeling right now. A pathetic mix of desperation and hopeless surrender.
But yeah, after trying on a couple different outfits and Google Maps-ing the subway directions to the audition location, I decided that I don’t want to date a guy who could justify dating 30 other girls.
I’ve worked too hard on my self worth to go through that dumpster fire of depreciation.
Anywho. If you can’t tell from my…jubilant candor…I’m back in New York. First night actually. I just flew in this morning. And let’s just say, the four walls of my studio apartment seem closer than ever before. I’m going to be honest – my heart feels a bit caged in. And I don’t know if that’s a repercussion of denying myself the opportunity to meet a perfectly chiseled Ken doll on reality TV, or the fact that my heart is yearning for Ohio, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it’s the latter.
Since my mom’s stroke back in December, I have been in full-time “side-kick” mode. By her side, enjoying time together literally from eyes open in the morning to eyes closed at night.
It’s been a beautiful, strengthening, healing and challenging time where I’ve grown in admiration and love and friendship with my hero: my mom.
And my dad, too. He is our rock and the best man I know, I always feel badly I don’t talk more about him on here, but he’s a pretty private gentleman.
But going from 0 to 60, with literally zero free time to now living by myself in a studio apartment, let’s just say it’s a bit of a shock.
The silence is deafening. Thank goodness for Spotify, amIrite?
I love living the day-to-day with people I love.
And I realized just how much I cannot wait to take care of my future husband, whomever he may be.
I guess that’s why I thought about auditioning for The Bachelor – I’d like the abridged version of dating…let’s just zip through it and get married already.
I just have to trust in God’s timing.
Which, I know, is kind of a broken record on here. But it’s so true. And frankly, it’s what I’m clinging onto for dear life.
God has brought me through so much. He brought me out of the depths of anorexia. Healed me from a severe case of Ulcerative Colitis. And has carried me through this terrifying season during my mom’s stroke this year.
God is not finished with me.
He didn’t bring me through all of that to just abandon me.
I’ve got to trust that the best is yet to come. I’ve got to trust that all of this has been shaping my heart. Preparing my spirit to be ready to love, ready to open up to someone, ready to live.
What’s that saying? — If God leads you to it, He’ll see you through it??
Something like that.
Well, He’s proved that in my life. Not always the most comfortable or pleasant of times, but always worth it in the end.
Part of me wonders what part of my heart still needs transforming before God brings my future husband into my life. Hmm…sounds like I just found what I need to start praying for.
Lastly, I’ve received some really powerful questions about eating disorders and recovery. I’ll be taking questions up until Sunday, so send them in to firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll answer them in next week’s post (as a non-professional, of course).
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