Three Seconds

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

It was the summer before my seventh grade year. Which, if it’s possible to peak at age 12, then I think that may have been the case for me.

But I digress.

I’ll never forget the summer my mother and I rode Drop Zone at Kings Island. Imagine the Seattle Space Needle with a ring of outward facing seats around the outside, where you’re harnessed in with your feet dangling.

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You get lifted up 27 stories in the air, and then get dropped and freefall at speeds over 68 mph.

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I did not want to go. Roller coasters? Absolutely. Love ’em. But a freefall? That high? No thanks, I’d rather stick pins in my eyes.

But I remember standing there, beneath this big, imposing needle, hearing a wave of shrieks every time it dropped, and my mom had this determined look in her eye. We had been watching for a few minutes. And she looked at me and said, “Three seconds. That’s all it is, three seconds.” And I asked her what she meant. And she explained that, sure the ride to the top took about 2 minutes, but that the actual free fall was only three seconds.

And without blinking, she said,

“You can endure anything for three seconds.”

Those sound like some pretty famous last words if I ever heard any.

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Well, we ended up riding it. I nearly gave myself a hernia, but the whole time, I kept thinking, “Three seconds. Three seconds. You can endure anything for three seconds.” 

And I did. And then proceeded to brag about it to my friends until about Christmas time that year.

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I’ve had a bit of a difficult readjustment since coming back to New York. My mom’s stroke, it really changed me. Changed how I see things. Changed what I value.

And I think I’m going through some growing pains, if I’m being honest.

I did something I shouldn’t have tonight: I’ve saved the last voicemail she left me in December before her stroke, and tonight I listened to it for the first time. I wanted to hear her voice – her pre-stroke voice.

I wanted to her the inflection and cadence and intonation that I yearn to hear again.

But I think what I’ve been wrestling with in my heart here, is a bit of grieving. And quite honestly, hopelessness.

We all go through different seasons in life. And seasons of suffering are part of the human experience. But we can persevere, because much like my Drop Zone experience, we can endure anything for three seconds.

But what if it’s longer? And what if that season has no foreseeable end? What if that season has become the new normal?

I have been grieving that here recently. I miss my mom. I miss how things used to be before her stroke. I miss her voice.

God, this was supposed to be just a three second interval. I can handle three seconds. Why did You give us this cross? Lord, I’m angry at You. I feel like You’ve abandoned me. I feel like You’ve locked me outside and I’m desperately banging at the gate.

I’m ready to wake up and have this all have been a terrible dream.

Lord, where the hell are You?

I don’t have an answer to this post.

In fact, after typing that, I snapped my laptop shut, and willed myself to a fitful night’s sleep.

Waking up the next morning, bleary eyed and groggy, I did what I always do, first thing in the morning…I checked Facebook.

And what was the first thing on my News Feed, but this song. It’s a mashup of my all-time two favorite worship songs, Oceans and You Make Me Brave.

So I took a listen, and as the tears streamed down my cheeks, I knew that God had heard me. I knew that I wasn’t alone. I knew that He’s with me right now during my fear.


So I wanted to share it with you. Please, take a listen – it will move your heart. (I’ve attached the lyrics). “Where…fear surrounds me, You never fail, and You won’t start now.”

God will always find us in our pain. Even if it’s in a more non-conventional medium, like a FB newsfeed, He will find a way to comfort His children.

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It’s the following night now. I’m back at my laptop with a smidge more clarity and the frame of mind that isn’t clouded with bitter tears and resentment.

I think I listened to that song about 28 times on repeat today, and I’m not even exaggerating.

Here’s the ending I couldn’t come up with last night:

I was only half right about my mom.

Because it’s true, my mom is different from who she was before her stroke.

But. Different is can be good too.

The woman she’s become is one hell of a fighter.

She is a survivor.

My mom is brave. She is strong. She is determined. Persistent. She is a hard worker and won’t settle for anything less than her best.

She is unconquerable.

And she is improving.

Who am I to rush an intricate, magnificent, precious work of artistry?

Yes, the stroke may have dealt some challenges, but I had been solely focusing on the negative.

I would have never thought that the two most challenging periods of my own life – my Ulcerative Colitis flares and my anorexia – would one day become the source of my greatest strength?

I need to let God do His work. Because I can’t see the whole picture. I can’t see the artistry at work. I don’t know His end game.

This is the struggle before the butterfly breaks forth from the cocoon.

Patience, Caralyn. Trust. Hope. Rest.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown, where feet may fail.
And there I find You in the mystery, 
In oceans deep my faith will stand.

And I will call upon your name.
And keep my eyes above the waves.
When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine. 

You grace abounds in deepest waters.
Your sovereign Hand will be my guide.
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, 
You never fail, and You won’t start now.

As your love, in wave after wave, crashes over crashes over me. 
For You are for us, You are not against us,
Champion of Heaven, You made a way for all to enter in. 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.
Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. 
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior. 

You make me brave. 
You make me brave.
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves.
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises You made. 

My soul will rest in Your embrace for I am Yours, and You are mine. 

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

354 thoughts on “Three Seconds”

  1. From my own personal experience, grief especially seems to enable us to better feel and appreciate God’s love, and how immediate His reaction is to our pain. In the end, there really isn’t anybody more loyal to us in our pain than God Himself. Even in the loneliest of nights, when we think that nobody is around to lift us up, God is still there supporting us no matter what.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I will soon for I will be dreaming. Hope you are as well. God is always with you. I’m here to. Keep your chin up, sweet friend. ❤ I love you, sister.

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  4. I do not share your beliefs, but find your words so very sweet, honest, and TRUE in that way that only those things that all of us have experienced and feel in our bones are true. Your mother’s wise and off-the-cuff words remind me so much of things I’ve heard my own mother say. I am grateful that I still have her, and happy that you still have yours, too. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You are such a dear soul. Seeing the change in our parents and close relatives, can be so devastating. Like the rapid decline of my mom in the years before her passing. The see-saw of her getting sick, being hospitalized, getting well, signs of dementia and unchecked obstinate attitude;. My favorite aunt, diagnosed with Parkinsons; seeing her recently. Supplanted memories of vigor and humor of earlier years. It is all a part of life.
    Hold on to good memories, pray to Jesus to comfort them, Stride forward.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This post of yours is another glaringly classy example of the poise, dignity and fortitude you exhibit. And knowing the things your write about, your faith is that one bit of knowledge that demonstrates change is nothing that will defeat you…

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This is beautiful. I remember when my mom died — she was murdered — my spiritual mentor Dr. Ron Hulnick told me to cry all my tears. I never forgot that. God is always with us. YOU are such a blessing. Thank you. Remember that compassion starts within. 🙂 Love, Debbie

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    1. Oh my gosh, Debbie, my heart just goes out to you. I am so sorry that you had to endure that, and i am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks hearing that. I really appreciate you sharing that powerful advice. you’re right – He is always with us, even in pain. Sending such big hugs to you friend xox

      Liked by 1 person

  9. This is beautiful, sister. There is a level of faith and trust that can only be reached by wrestling with God in the midst of suffering and grief. He doesn’t mind our honesty. He knows we’re thinking it anyway.

    If you can, get ahold of the book “None Like Him” by Jen Wilkin. I’m halfway through it and it’s blowing my mind. Such good stuff. Praying for your mom and you and your family tonight.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I had not heard this until just now. I am so in love with it!! You are strong and I am so sorry about your mom’s stroke, but she is a survior and fighter! She is getting so much stronger too. It is hard sometimes to deal with different, but sometimes different is what we need. Hugs ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Thanks for sharing!!
    Sometimes those three seconds can become an eternity. Recovering from grieve (anger is part of that) can take some time and you need to be patient to get to see the picture. Sounds nice I know but is so hard to live up to. From my own experience I know how difficult patience is if it is about yourself. So often said to others “Be patient! Slow down!” so hard to understand if it us about oneself.
    Thanks for the song, it is really speaking to the soul like words alone couldn’t. For me it is encouraging to read how you find comfort in your faith. A story that crossed my mind reading your blog today was the one about “footprints in the sand” – I guess you know otherwise let me know.
    Know that you (and your mom) are in my prayers!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you so much Andy, for your prayers and support. it really means a lot. you’re right – patience is a long process to learn! hah kinda ironic, right? Glad you liked the song! and yes! i love the Footprints story…so comforting. big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

    1. thanks for sharing this, Maria. i’m sorry you’re going through a difficult season. hang in there friend. i will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers. 🙂 sending big big hugs xo

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  16. Lovely, brave girl. Your mother is still there, just a bit different. And how fortunate she is that you see different as just as good.

    Your three seconds line struck me. My mantra (admittedly copped from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt) is that you can stand anything for ten seconds. I have the eating disorder that is opposite of yours, the mirror image. It plays the same degrading, self-negating songs in my head, but instead of shutting up the voices by starving them, I fill myself up by literally filling myself up. I stifle and shove down the silent screams. I fight the urge to eat all day. All night. My heart has always reached out to anorexics. I want to hug you all with this overly ample body and let you know that those of us who eat, and eat, and eat, do indeed feel your pain. We are wrapping ourselves up in food and medicating in our own self-destructive way. So, I take it ten seconds at a time. Sometimes I make it through the ten seconds, and sometimes I just can’t. I wish you strength, I wish you peace.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. thank you so much Kathy. I love KImmy Schmidt! yeah – we can handle anything for a short spell. I’m sorry that you can relate to my blog in that way. yes – ten seconds at a time. know that i am cheering for you on your healing journey. I believe in you 🙂 thanks for your kind words. big hugs x

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  17. Wow, thanks for sharing (both your journey and the song). It’s nice to know the answers to the struggles we face, but when we don’t, it’s nice to know we rest in the arms of One who cares and loves us more than we could know.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I love this for so many reasons I don’t know if I can name them all. Once again, your openness and honesty help us in our journey of recovery. I love that you showed it’s okay to get mad at God and to say so. After all, God knows already, and He can take whatever we can dish out. And God responds as still the loving parent, not by striking us with lightning but with compassion. God loves us through our struggles. We might wish for God to fix the situation, but you found purpose in the struggle. I love how you draw upon your experience of recovery and see God doing the same thing with your mother. I love how you call it God creating a masterpiece. And because you were honest about your anger, I know you were honest here too. If we could see all our struggles that way, life wouldn’t seem so unfair. Cool song too. Thank you for this.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Love that song… I’m in a similar place for very different reasons right now. As I read your post, I kept thinking that really, this whole life will amount to about three seconds on the scale of eternity… Just a single pixel on the screen. Even if it never gets better, Lord help me to trust You completely for all the time that is allotted me.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I’m not going to read all of these comments, but I’ll add to the over 170 of them!
    Thank you for writing this. I’ve been avoiding all social media the last days. I’m angry with God and I have nothing to say to anyone. Mum is doing excellent in stats and I’m surrounded by seeing her not being the person she once was. I’ve not listened to any Christian music in almost a year, and it is odd how it can help when nothing else can. I cried when I read your words and the lyrics. My heart has been so sore. All around me people are dying because of cancer and mum keeps surviving. I’m glad and sad-glad because well, she’s still alive. Sad, because she is not living a quality life. Even if her stats are good, she’s not happy. I want to make things all better and can’t. I miss my family-I’ve been away for almost 9 months now. You are a brave wonderful woman, thank you for sharing your thoughts, thoughts which embody mine at times.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Kris, oh friend my heart just goes out to you. I’m so sorry that you’re going through a similar season. Know that you and your mom and family are in my thoughts and prayers. You’re right- there can be so many contradicting emotions all at once. Hang in there. Sending so so much love and hugs x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I appreciate these words from you. More than you know. Alaska is a million miles from the East coast, but our hearts are not that far apart. Bless you.

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  21. I needed this, the past month has been so mind numbing with my husbands “surprise” illness and so many changes and this just hit home. God does know it all even before it happens and I think our only peace is in surrendering, knowing that we can’t “swim” this but that through trust, He will walk us on those waves and somehow always speak stillness to those storms.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Nina, thanks for sharing that with me. I’m so sorry that your husband is ill. Know that I will be keeping him and you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. You’re right – there is peace in surrendering . Hang in there friend. Sending love xo

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  22. I miss my mom SO MUCH! I chose to take care of her for 10 years and at times felt overwhelmed, depressed, and alone. Taking care of her almost destroyed me financially and it made it impossible to date or ever have a relationship. I cleaned and changed colostomy bags, changed briefs, and spent more nights in the hospital with her than I could possibly count. She has been gone five years now and I thank God everyday for the time He gave me with her. I feel so blessed to have gone through such intimate experiences with her and it has made me a stronger man. Thank you for all that you do for everyone in the ED community and for sharing such honest writing. I understand and God bless you! Excellent blog!

    Liked by 1 person

  23. I would highly recommend reading Job’s book. Our ‘downfalls’ are the only way for us to grow – and expecting to ‘get back’ what we had or find a new life that’s similiar to what we had… none of that is what Jesus is offering us. Just look at Paul’s life, and Job’s – and how they reacted to their massive, mind blowing downfalls. Job worships God even when everything and everyone is ‘taken’ from him. Job 1:21 ‘The Lord gives and the Lord takes away”.

    The suffering we experience is GOOD for us because in our weakness we reveal our true selves – mostly to ourselves and others. God already knows.

    A lot of us still expect life to be ‘fixable’ in ways that are merely mundane. But our bodies mean very little, almost nothing, compared to our souls. God’s not working on our bodies or the lives we have here. Being afraid of death turns us into evil doers. Being afraid of losing the life we have also turns us into evil doers trying to keep it at all cost.

    Nothing brings us closer to God than losing this life in order to be born into eternal life. For a lot of people this means material loss, health struggles and a neverending emotional struggle in interpersonal relationships.

    I have seen people lose not this life, but their soul, in the process of wanting to fix a ‘broken’ loved one. Fear of loss and death comes from an attachment to this life. We REALLY can’t serve two Gods. If we can only serve a God that gives us the life we want here, then that’s not God at all – that’s just ourselves we’re serving. And God’s Grace is a complete mystery, so we only have one choice: surrender to it and trust God.

    We’re all struggling (I didn’t even realize YOU had that struggle and I deeply empathize with your pain). What changes everything for us struggling is how we react to it. That’s why Job and Paul are perfect examples, because the struggles of our current worlds are tiny compared to what they endured. I am by no means disregarding the pain we’re all experiencing – just focusing on the only answer to it: loving God. Not getting angry at him, who’s saving us from ourselves and for a much better life than the best one we could imagine here in this world.

    Liked by 2 people

    2. thanks so much for this powerful perspective, Milly. You’re so right – it’s a really difficult verse to comprehend, but those who lose their lives will gain it. I’ll have to read Job. And you’re totally right about that: loving God is the answer. hugs x

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      1. It’s a topic that’s not palatable. But if we can transcend our struggles with love for God, we’re ready for heaven. 😀 You’ve already done it before! We just get better at it with time.

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  26. I love that mashup! You should listen to Do It Again by Elevation Worship – same sort of theme, but one of my favorite songs right now!

    And I just listened to a sermon the other day by Katherine and Jay Wolf. She suffered a massive brain stem stroke. I don’t know if it might bring you some peace or relief to read her story (Hope Heals) or listen to the sermon (Fresh Life Church – Summer Reading Series), but I wanted to share in case her story might bless you in some way.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. I had to fight back tears reading this, sis.

    No, I’ve not experienced my mother having a stroke, and I can’t even imagine how hard that must be. But I remember during the hardest time of my life (thus far, at least) that God used a song to minister to me. I can still recall the moment riding in my car, on my way to work, when an old Casting Crowns song came on the radio:

    “And I’ll praise you in this storm
    And I will lift my hands
    That you are who you are
    No matter where I am
    And every tear I’ve cried
    You hold in your hand
    You never left my side
    And though my heart is torn
    I will praise you in this storm”

    My situation didn’t get better right away, but that moment was a turning point…where God personally reassured me of His presence and His love. I believe He’s doing the same for you. Hang in there, and I’m praying for you 🙏🙏!

    Liked by 1 person

  28. that ride looks terrifying! And hillsong is amazing. It seems like you’re flung a good job navigating through this. I’d just add that it is ok to grieve the loss of who your mom was. It’s hard when dynamics change to that extant and I think we never get past needing our moms. ((Hugs)l

    Liked by 1 person

  30. I was very moved by this post. I pray God continues to give you daily comfort. Those are two of my favorite songs too – ‘He Makes Me Brave” has become ‘my own.’ I’ve been reading a book recently that has comforted me in regards to my suffering, and the title really is marvelous: ‘The Scars that have Shaped Me’ (it’s available at http://www.wtsbooks.com/scars-have-shaped-me-vaneetha-r-endall-risner-9781539506584 if you are ever looking for that sort of thing 🙂 ). May God bless you and your mom!

    Liked by 1 person

  31. You are a strong woman. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that God has got this…tough seeing a loved one going through something that is beyond anyone’s control…sending you strength…

    Liked by 1 person

  33. As someone who has struggled with suicide, I can empathize with those who follow through and hold on for a while longer. Not just with their own thoughts about life… but with the entire concept of it.

    We can gain a lot or stand to lose a lot, if not everything, in three seconds. Three seconds can do a lot of things to people. It either define, break, or irrevocably change them. Some for the better. Some for the worse.

    I’m glad that you’ve been able to take those moments of doubt and indecision and transmute them to moments of action and growth.

    But, if I’m gonna be open and honest, there are times I wish I had ended myself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Kevin, thank you so much for sharing this with me. You’re right- three second can be a long time. I’m just so glad you’re in a better place and with us. I am grateful to have you in my life, even if it’s only through the interwebs:) you are a blessing. Hugs and love xox

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  35. thanks for sharing your story. I still keep the words that mum told me 48 hours before god called her home. At times I go silent, I look out of my window, and I only think. 11 years now, I still have never told anyone what she told me. I find it too painful, I think it is like I don’t want to talk about it. Life did not give me the chance to reach for her, to be by her bedside before the end of her last breath!

    Liked by 1 person

  36. I truly appreciate your honesty. It is never easy to see loved ones change with age or sickness. A few years ago I lost my mother to the long good bye. During those last couple years, I longed for my mother of old, but I realized something very profound. Though she could not talk and required my feeding her, yet I could she loved me the same now as when I was a child. Your mother loves you the same now as when she was whole. God never gives us more than we can endure and has always promised to be with us always, Keep the faith, do not give up, your experiences make your ministry better and for help people that are struggling the same as you. Look to God for your strength and remember he is always a prayer away.
    Blessings to you and your mom and your entire family
    Pastor Lester
    PS You are in my prayers

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Pastor Lester, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart just goes out to you. you’re right – the aging process is never easy, and what a gift you were able to give to her in her final chapter. You’re right – God will give us our strength. thanks for your prayers. hugs x

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  37. My eyes filled with tears when I read the “banging on the gate” part. I’m still tearing up because I know what it is to say that prayer, “Lord why are you so elusive.” To feel like a fan girl behind the velvet rope. In those moments I pray for faith because those are the moments He looks to see what we’re really about. I recently participated in a Bible study on the book “Becoming a woman whose God is enough.” It was an excellent book that I highly recommend. It has helped me enormously in my walk. I took the main themes within the book and compressed it into a blog to share with the ladies at my church and to perhaps encourage people here on WordPress as well. (By no means do I wish to promote myself but to encourage you) if you get some idle time check it out 😊

    https://kriztle34.wordpress.com/2017/05/28/testament-31-he-is-enough/

    Liked by 1 person

  39. We lived in what I called our 10-minute world for a long time. You beat the 10 minutes in front of you and then you go after the next 10. It is a hard way to live but sometimes that’s the only way. Keep fighting your 3 seconds – 3 seconds at a time.

    Love Kings Island! That made me laugh. The Beast, The Racer, and I remember The Bat.

    Liked by 1 person

  40. So touching. I battle with those thoughts often. I wish things would be just 3 seconds. My life has changed so much and a new norm is taking it’s toll on me. Thank you for sharing.

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  41. Beautiful, honest post. I think we all battle those questions at times, why God doesn’t seem to answer…..I always think of the verse that says “His ways are above our ways, His thoughts above our thoughts…” That said, it is hard to watch our parents age, I am going through that as well, but God is faithful as you know. Love the song also:) Blessings and prayers for your mom to increase in healing daily.

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  42. As i was reading through this, I felt emotional and that is because i completely understood. No, my mum doesn’t have stroke but in some aspects of my life, i could relate to what you are going through. At a point in my life, i was truly angry with God, i just thought he was being unfair but i repented of that and i kept holding on. I learnt a lot from all that and I’m still learning that God is indeed good and has got me. There’s this trust i have in God. i’ve had trust in God but I have to say it’s stronger. Today I might worry about circumstances around me because of course i’m human but i have to admit, I don’t over-think it because God has been and is still faithful to me. i like this scripture, 2 Tim 2:13. it says if we are faithless, he remains faithful for he cannot disown himself. This comment is really getting long, i just had a lot to say.
    Stay strong dear, God has got you.

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    1. thank you so much for sharing this. i’m glad it hit home with. I’m so glad that you’ve found strength in Him. that is so awesome. 🙂 He cannot disown himself – that is truly powerful. thanks again x

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  44. If only it’d dawned on man that the LORD God is never an unfeeling One and is never late in attending to our needs, we’ll never have to be angry with Him or at whatever we think He’d done; neither will we ask, “Where the hell is He?”

    Thank God that He did it in this post. He’ll always do the right thing all the time; that’s His specialty. May millions be blessed by this post,BBB. Thanks for sharing this hope energizing thoughts of “THREE SECONDS.” Three happens to be the perfect manifestation of Jehovah. Hallelujah!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  45. Thanks for sharing this beautiful post. It’s often hard to see how God is working in and through us in the moment. In some instances it’s taken me years trace back through events in my life and see the purpose. I enjoyed following this through a couple of days of progression. God bless.

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  48. Thanks so much for sharing sorry you are going through a rough time, sending up prayers my friend ❤️🙏🏽

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  49. That was one of the most touching blogs I’ve ever read, thanks for sharing. I can’t say I have been through anything like that, it must be damn hard.

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  50. Great thought. It’s easier to fall than ascend. Our real concern should be how to remain up after ascending, given that lesser time is used in descending. Great life lesson. Thanks for sharing.

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