Virgin Shaming?

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

There are three things you should know about me.

Number One: My go-to drink is a vodka soda with two limes. With straight up-tequila coming in at a close second.

Number Two: It only takes 1/2 a drink for me to get notably tipsy.

Number Three: I am completely guarded in word and heart….until said tipsy state has been actuated.

Last night was one of those nights.

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I was catching up with a good friend of mine up in Harlem. We were at this really cool speakeasy with smooth jazz, exposed brick, high concept cocktails, and where the menus are literally pasted into old hard-cover books.

She and I were having a great time. Chatting. Laughing. Making friends with the cute bartender. You know. A typical Tuesday night for your twenty-something New Yorker.

But as the night went along, and the conversation had turned to dating and the atrocity of the modern day, “Swipe-right“-App-driven dating scene, I found myself opening my heart to her about some of my fears and struggles when it comes to the romance department.

And you know how, when you’re a little loosy-goosy, you can almost hear yourself talking – completely self aware of how you’re coming off, and yet simultaneously you’ve willingly abandoned the ability to filter what it is you’re saying?

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If that makes any sense at all?

Anyway, I’ll just cut to the chase here…

I literally heard these words come out of my mouth:

“I think I’m afraid to date because I fear that, because I’m a virgin, I won’t be enough for a man. I’d be a waste of time.”

And bless her heart, my friend was so kind and built me up and reassured me as any good friend would do.

But the following day, with sober-Caralyn reflecting on that cringe-worthy confession, it gave me a lot of emotions. A lot of “feels” – as the kids these days are saying. 😉

I’m going to be really honest – I’ve reached the age where, being a virgin is no longer “cute.” It’s more like…what’s wrong with her?

You all know my love for The Bachelor – and one of the themes that has come up recently on Bachelor in Paradise, – and frankly in the media at large – is the concept of “Virgin Shaming.”

And I can fully affirm, that that is absolutely, positively a real thing.

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I know that my virginity is nothing to be ashamed of, and truthfully, it gives me so much joy and peace to know that I will be able to give that to my future husband one day, but the fact is…right now...I feel like less of a woman. I feel like I’m defective. Or undesirable. Frankly, I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment.


And let me just say, I’m not looking to be built up or complimented or anything like that. I’m just processing a comment I uttered when my walls were down that quite honestly, shocked me. Frankly, I thought I was “stronger” than letting the pressures of society get to me like that. But I guess, my inner heart can still be wounded, no matter how tough of defenses I try to enact.

I think I’m at a very dangerous crossroads of two very different paths. One, of a closed off existence, lived in fear and shame – having cowered away from even looking for a man, simply because I’m afraid of disappointing someone with my non-easiness. Or the other road, where I remain emotionally open and receptive to a relationship – dare I say: even seeking one out, with the confidence and assuredness in my decision to remain a virgin until marriage.

Because it’s either one or the other. There’s not really much grey area anymore – I’m either open to love, or I’m not. And am I really going to let my self-consciousness in the lack of knotches on my belt be the determining factor?

That would be quite the tragedy.

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I guess, this is just my public proclamation, that I am not going to let the shame I may feel get the best of me and dictate the direction my life is going to take.

Because the fact is, I do have a lot to offer a man.

And I’m going to be a damn good wife, if I do say so myself.

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But I can’t be afraid to put myself out there, just because I’m nervous about what he’ll say.

Will it be a deal breaker for some guys? Yes. Probably most guys.

But not for the guy. Not for the right guy.

But I’m not going to meet that guy if I just reject every offer that comes my way and swear off dating, simply because I’m afraid. That’s a pocket veto if I’ve ever seen one.

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SO. Before the month is over, I’m going to go on one date. By Oct 1. I have to stop turning down opportunities, and actually accept one date. I’m asking you to hold me accountable. Okay?

Kapeesh?

Good. Thanks. Glad that’s settled.

Now please excuse me while I go and try to ‘be approachable’ at Barnes & Noble.

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703 thoughts on “Virgin Shaming?”

  1. Part of my work is to listen to people who have “issues,” shall we say. It has seemed to me how lots of women deal with “not being enough.” Guys experience it differently and name it differently, but it’s definitely there.
    What I am finding in my life now is that the very deep and abiding sense of inferiority is becoming a place of creativity – inasmuch as I’m able to inhabit it without judgment. I find both religion and spirituality helpful here.
    It’s the deep wounds of our lives that can open up to be places of encounter. So, your writing about Virgin Shame does that because you made yourself vulnerable. Thanks for making a safe place today for many. -R

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It is so refreshing to read your article – too many girls feel the pressure to lose their virginity and end up doing it with the wrong guy and it messes them up just because they shouldn’t be a virgin at their age. Women have the choice to do what they want and I think in the media they are trying to promote the idea that girls can have sex like men which is fine but there’s not enough to say by the way still being a virgin is cool too – you never get that in teen dramas etc x

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  4. Hang in there. It will definitely be worth it—eventually. And thanks for liking my post at 101 Days of Love. I’m impressed with how you’ve set yours up. I have no idea how to incorporate great video clips like you did!

    Like

  5. It takes courage to be vulnerable both in holding to your values and talking about them.
    Ironically, I’m at. Barnes and Noble event for a meet and greet / book signing for my memoir Beyond Recovery a Journey of Grace, Love, and Forgiveness. I asked for this and it happened. Now I get to sit and smile and interact with “strangers” about some of the most intimate details of my life. No expectations- just showing up and being willing to smile as I share part of my story with the world.
    You will find the right guy. I’m sure. For now, keep writing. I love your posts.
    Ciao.
    Shawn.

    Like

  6. Hey there…Virginity is a gift not something to be ashamed of! It;s a gift. It’s a blessing. It allows you to be more you, and not what culture currently dictates. It’s tough to stick to your beliefs and convictions when culture says otherwise. Hang in there, and continue to be true to your beautiful inner strength.

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  7. Yes, you absolutely have a LOT to offer. My greatest regret was “NOT WAITING” and I’m surely grateful for God’s redemption. You are in a great place!

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  11. Sadly, in this part of the world, we don’t shame the virgin, we shame the non virgin. It’s not cute to be a virgin, it’s acceptable. Even though things are changing slowly, it’s just disgusting to be shamed as a virgin or a non virgin. BTW loved the post! ❤

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  12. Gurl, you are more precious than rubies! luv annie

    On Thu, Sep 14, 2017 at 6:58 PM, BeautyBeyondBones wrote:

    > beautybeyondbones posted: “There are three things you should know about > me. Number One: My go-to drink is a vodka soda with two limes. With > straight up-tequila coming in at a close second. Number Two: It only takes > 1/2 a drink for me to get notably tipsy. Number Three: I am comp” >

    Like

  13. So very well put. I love that you are talking about this topic! I wish I had been as strong as you when I went through the same struggle (virgin=good to what’s wrong?). Hopefully, through this it will inspire girls/women out there to stand without shame. #virginpower #shamenomore #stronginspirationalwoman

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  14. OK, so there are a billion women commenting here – here’s a guy’s view (just one guy, I speak only for myself). Firstly, I had no idea there are guys who wouldn’t want to date a virgin. You have something amazing, intimate and precious to give to the right person. Anyone who is willing to take that gift and not understand the importance it holds to you is simply not worth you. When you do meet Mr Right you will not regret waiting, and he will appreciate you all the more for waiting.

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  15. Hi, Caralyn. An impressive post, and a very impressive Comment turn out. I’m impressed by the amount of time you take to respond to so many of these comments. An important subject. I’m guessing shaming other people for any reason says more about the person doing the shaming than the person on people they’re trying to shame. Keep up the good work. Bob

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  17. Hello there! You have been following and liking my blog, so I decided to check yours out. This particular post caught my eye. I have to tell you, I am a 41 year old, very attractive and talented woman (if I do say so myself), and am also still a virgin. You want to talk about shaming!!! I have said those very words, “I feel less than a woman” to my friends, so your thoughts and feelings here resonate deeply, my friend.

    The fact is, I had a traumatic sexual experience when I was 16, and although that experience has kept me from letting men get to close to me, God has used it in His sanctification. What I have meant for control, He has meant for His glory. And now, He is revealing these things to me through, what I affectionately call, The Great Depression (which is fancy talk for peri-menopause).

    I know that I know that I know that there is man God has created for me, but thank God His way is perfect, and His sanctification is real. E-mail a sister if you want to talk anymore about this. Meanwhile, keep on keeping on, in the name of Jesus. It is not in our righteousness that He has set us apart in this decision. It is in His righteousness and for His glory. I am not a strong independent woman; I am weak and completely dependent on Him, but in our weakness, HE is made strong. Can I get an “Amen?”

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    1. Hi Amanda, thank you so much for sharing your story. gosh, i am so sorry that you were violated like that at such a young age. that breaks my heart. you did not deserve that. Amen to that : His sanctification really is real. thanks for the encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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      2. oh yes the old gremlins in the computer that account for bad word processing fumbling fingers and poor hand eye coordination on my last date as a teenager… explains my long standing vir…. oh lets not go there 😛

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  20. I admire your sticking to your convictions and beliefs. It’s commendable, especially in the society and culture in which we live. Keep on keeping on that path. The right guy will come around, and he will cherish you for who you are. God bless.

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  21. I’m now scrolling through all your wonderful posts since I’ve started reading your blog and I’m glad I found this one. Strangely enough, I get more flack for being a virgin from girls than I do from guys. I mentioned I was a virgin to a guy friend (I don’t remember how it came up) and he said, “You know. I can respect that. It’s admirable to stand by what you believe.” Contrast that with all the girls who try to set me up, assume I’m a lesbian, or that I must pleasure myself because it’s impossible to go without sex. Granted, I’m no sainted nancy and I’ve struggled with lust and habitual sin, but it’s no less a sin or a disrespect of my promise than actual sex would be. Like no, I’m not pretending to be a goody goody to save face, I actually do care about this.

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    1. Hi Erica! Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Yeah, women should build each other up! Not tear them down! 😦 I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. You’re so right – I’m glad this is something you feel passionately about too! 😊 big hugs friend xox

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  22. I just now saw this post, and I know you went on a date since then…. so…. 😉
    Look, I skipped all the way over all the other comments – I did want to read them or be affected by them – just so I could leave for you a comment stratight from my heart (if it sounds like what anyone else has written, it’s not because I copied). I know you are huge in the blogosphere. I know I am only one of 34K+ followers. I know that when I read your posts it’s almost like I could just call you up and schedule a coffee date (with my wife’s permission, of course), but in reality you are just short of full-blown celebrity status. However, I am so grateful that you do take the time to read comments, and so I feel relatively confident you’ll eventually read this. Therefore… God bless you! God bless you! God bless you! I don’t know how to put my feelings into words without saying something that others have already deemed turning virginity into an idol. Don’t let anyone (person, principality, or power) make you think you are “less than,” “unworthy,” “not enough,” or any other lie; you have the rare opportunity (rare because the world has falsely painted it as worthless) to experience a once-in-a-lifetime joy conceived by God for a man and woman to enjoy – a married man and woman. For the love of God’s creation so tained by the sin of this culture, continue to be an example of what a girl CAN have, if she wants it.

    I have two young girls (21 and 17) who are virgins, and they are not ashamed. And even though you would still be loved regardless, like a father, I’m proud of you. Again, God bless!

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    1. Hi Anthony, oh my gosh you are too funny, thank you for these kind words. It sounds like you’ve got two great girls 🙂 Thank you for your encouragement. You’ve made my day! Big hugs to you xox

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  23. Just seeing this post lol I know I’m so beyond late! But girl, keep your purity for your husband who God is going to send for you in his timing in Jesus Name! Don’t be ashamed AT ALL! Do what is right and don’t let the devil allure you to “just give it up” for giving up sakes or just to feel accepted as an experienced woman! NO WAY! God bless you and much love as always! Xxoo 😘🙏💞✨

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    1. Oh Tammy, thank you for building up my confidence. You’re so awesome. You’re right – that what the devil wants us to believe, but we can resist! Hugs and love xox

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      1. You’re welcome anytime girlfriend! 😘😊🙏….Awww thank you, well my Heavenly Father is awesome so I got it from him 😆💞…Amen! Continue to resist him and he will flee in Jesus Name!! 🙏…much love back! Xxoo

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  25. There’s no shame in being a virgin and it isn’t weird. You’re not less of a woman because you don’t ‘know’ a man. I’ll remind you of this.

    Our Lady is a Virgin. The only man she ever knows is the Lord. She wasn’t ever less of a woman in her life because of that. In fact she is THE example for all of is.

    Rather than looking at it as something you’re missing out on…you have the opportunity to display the Lord to others (and from what I can tell you try to do that). So in a sense you already ‘know’ a man…that being Christ.

    So if you should get married…that’ll probably be more of the gift to your husband.

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  26. I loved this post. As a guy, my own virginity has given me great shame/fear/embarrassment, especially as I’ve progressed through my 20s. You may also have inspired me to open up & write my own post about my virginity.

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  27. Is perfectionism getting in the way of your perfection? Let it go … the perfectionism I mean.
    And you will soon enough realise; you are, indeed, perfect.

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    1. Oh gosh farrrrrr from it. Thanks for your kindness, P. That was definitely a demon I had to kick out of my life. I appreciate you stopping by. Hugs and love xox

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  28. True story: I was a virgin too and yes, did experience what you aptly labeled “virgin shaming.” A comment from a man who wanted to marry me made me realize he wasn’t the right one: “Of all the women in the world, I had to fall in love with you.” Emphasis on the “you” that made it equivalent to “yuck.” Because I wanted to wait until marriage before having sex. Fast forward several years and my “friend” and I are passing softball. He’s also the friend that I hiked and biked with I’ve mentioned before. We went to the same Singles Ministry at church. We’re talking and out of the blue, he says, “You’re a virgin, aren’t you?” Absolutely floored me. I waited for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I felt myself physically stiffen to prepare for the negative onslaught. But you know what? It didn’t come. He praised me. He said it was a wonderful thing. He was God’s choice for me…in God’s timing. I had told God He was enough, and I think God rewarded me with this wonderful man. BTW, I was 44 when I got married. I know you want children of your own so I’m praying for you that you will meet that special, Christian man who will appreciate you. One other thing (sorry this is so long), I hated dating too. Romance dating never worked out for me. It was my friend I fell in love with. Join Christian hiking groups, biking, etc., whatever you enjoy, and just be as authentic as you are on your blog. Don’t worry about dating. My husband and I tell people we never really dated…and it’s true! 🙂

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    1. Hello again friend! thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement and for sharing your story. I’m so glad you have been blessed with such an incredible husband. what a beautiful love story! you give me hope! hugs xo

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  31. It’s sad how society has this unspoken rule that you must have a problem if you are over eighteen and still a virgin! If only people knew in depth the consequences of soul ties as stated in 1 Corinthians 6:16-20 ,then virginity would be valued in this day and era. Personally, I relate to what you have experienced since that was my fear for a long time until I hid myself completly in God’s truth. I dreaded getting into relationships because I was afraid the guy would want to have sex but I would refute and that would be the end of us or I’d give into momentary pleasure and live with the guilt for a lifetime. But I thank God because He has good plans for you and I and every other lady out their saving their virginity because He will give us the desires of our hearts when we meet men who share our sentiment.

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    1. Thanks so much for sharing your story and for your support. Amen – God does have good plans. Hugs and love xox

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  33. While I am married, who says we even have to have a spouse or a partner? We can create any life we want for ourselves. As long as you are being you, that is all that matters. You will always have people who will love and support you for who you are.

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  34. I know I’m commenting on this several months late, but on a note related to being a virgin, I have a potential suggestion: consider asking for the intercession of St. Agnes and St. Maria Goretti.

    Here’s the story with them [TW for anyone who reads the comments: sexual assault]:

    St. Agnes was a young girl who had lots of suitors. She however desired to remain pure, and she was killed as a result of that desire.

    St. Maria Goretti was also a young girl when she was killed, except what happened was that her suitor killed her when she did not give consent to have sex.

    Both of them are patron saints of chastity. They are also patron saints of sexual assault survivors. And Maria Goretti is a patron saint of forgiveness.

    I don’t know if you’re into asking saints to pray for us (I assume you are, since you’re very openly Catholic). But if you are, you might want to consider asking St. Agnes and St. Maria Goretti to pray for you. 🙂

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    1. Hey Brendan, wow what powerful lives they lived. thank you so much for sharing them with me. I will definitely ask for their intersession! i had no idea they even existed!!! 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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      1. Haha don’t thank me…thank God for putting me in the position to know these saints. I didn’t know about these saints until the last few days. But with God’s help, I recently ended up with a job just a block away from St. Agnes Church (a block away from Grand Central). With God’s help, I was at a Mass where the priest talked about St. Maria Goretti. And it was God who led me to look more into these saints. I don’t think I should really take credit for a series of events that are really God things.

        Also, on an unrelated note, I’m going to start making the effort to actually meet blogger friends (especially if they’re based in the NYC area as I currently am). Would you be interested in that?

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  35. Be careful what you broadcast. Many men want virgins and honestly if I could relive my life I would be a virgin until death. Not too many men out there worth giving yourself to. I knew a lady who is still a live she is 98 years old and a virgin and I think it is the most blessed thing. So many terrible people out there. I just say be careful. and truly good luck in trying to find prince charming in today’s time. I would get a dog or a cat and pray in God’s time if it is God’s will give you a husband. Putting things like this is the open will attract many men and that is not always the best Love me for my mind not because I am a virgin. and many men will pretend to be perfect men to take your virginity. and what good is a marriage that is over in a year. he was never there for you just knew once you were married he could get the goodies. and now he is gone. Sorry I just speak these things because there are monsters in the world. and I would speak the same thing to all my friends

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  36. Hopefully, you’re still a virgin since this post is over a year old and there are already 688 comments on the blog already. It’s unlikely I’ll have anything new to add. Nevertheless, I’ll comment. Stay a virgin until marriage. It’s the one thing I regret when I married my wife and I wasn’t a virgin. I gave myself over to another long before I met my wife and I wish I hadn’t.

    The virgin-shaming is a result of our pornographic society. Consciously, and subconsciously, a women’s sexual prowess is unrealistically raised to the bar of pornographic expectations. Women are led to believe they need sexual experience to be worthy of their spouse or necessary for their self-esteem. It’s a lie. Always has been.

    Sexual experience with another creates a bond with that person and that bond carries on into marriage. “How?” you may ask. It carries over in memory and flashbacks and it impacts marriage to varying degrees. Sometimes quite subtle and at other times it lingers. The shame you feel is forced upon you by our pornographic society that permeates everything. Moreover, shame has its roots in evil. The first time we are presented with shame is in the Garden of Eden after Adam and Eve chose to become autonomous and sinned. It was shame that caused Adam and Eve to hide themselves from God instead of running into his arms. Shame kept them away from God.

    Don’t let shame drive you away from your virtue. The world applauds pre-marital sex and scorns virginity and some sort of mental disorder. Lastly, marry a man who is also a virgin and not hooked on porn, if you can find one. As a matter of fact, trust God let him bring that man to you instead of you going out searching for him.

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  37. Idk how I stumbled on this post of yours haha. Anyways, it’s really admirable that you’re still a virgin and are waiting for “Mr. Right”. Nothing to be ashamed of. That feeling of shame is due to false ideas of sexuality that are so pervasive in modern culture. To be able to share that with one person is such a gift. You’ll see ;). I wish you the best! #mayauntflowkeepflowing

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  38. AMDG

    Caralyn, I was stunned the day a college acquaintance confided in me that she was still a virgin, stunned that she was embarrassed by it. That was in the late 80’s. At the time I was hoping to one day be a Religious Sister & it never dawned on me to consider virginity anything but a privilege! This dear young lady was suffering from “virgin shaming” & succumbed before the year was out. I don’t know what happened to her after that (our paths didn’t cross much), but it made my heart ache for her.

    I grew up with impurity. I was left my virginity, as a technical point, but was treated as a source of another’s pleasure. The line that was crossed left me with a warped sense of identity, of what it means to be a lady. I knew there should be a “line” somewhere–this is appropriate and this is not–but I didn’t know where that line should be, especially since I knew that my “comfort zone” had been grossly miscalibrated by the abuse. I wanted to be kind and generous, which meant that I let men push me well beyond what I now know to be healthy.

    As it turned out, the Good God had a U-turn in mind for me at the convent–I was a live-in candidate for 2 1/2 months before the novice mistress told me to, “Go home and discern some more.” That discernment led to marriage with a young man who had himself spent time discerning in the seminary. Seriously considering a vocation to Religious Life gave us the perspective to see marriage as a vocation, which is powerful. There is at least as much of a vocation crisis with regard to marriage–as a Sacrament designed to reflect the deep, sacrificial love that God has for His Bride, the Church–as there is to the priesthood and Religious Life. We need holy families! And they don’t “just happen”!

    That discernment also gave me perspective on who I am as a woman. My chastity is not just “about me”. It’s not just a matter of what I am or am not comfortable with. I can’t hold those boundaries (what right have I to impose on someone else what they can or can’t do to me?).

    I belong to God. I am His daughter and His bride (yes, as a married lady too :), and He wants me to be treated with reverence and respect. I uphold His rights when I will not permit myself to be used merely for another’s pleasure. I honor Him when I present myself with dignity, as His masterpiece. Again, it’s not about me. It’s about Him. I have found that profoundly empowering.

    I will second what another commenter said about the saints–getting to know them has done more for my spiritual life than anything else. Most of the woman martyrs died defending their virginity! It’s worth dying for. It’s worth living for.

    This article on the honor of woman is radically counter-cultural in a beautiful way, painting a picture of woman as a sacred garden to be nurtured and protected (as a gardener, I can relate–my tulips just got eaten by deer!). I hope you find it as inspiring as I did!

    https://finerfem.wordpress.com/2017/12/31/the-honorable-woman/

    Blessings!

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  39. This sounds so much like what you’re experiencing…

    Baruch 6:42-43, on the folly of idolatry

    And their women, girt with cords, sit by the roads,
    burning chaff for incense;
    and whenever one of them is drawn aside by some passerby
    who lies with her,
    she mocks her neighbor
    who has not been dignified as she has,
    and has not had her cord broken.

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  40. In the world today more so than ever people say they celebrate differences among people, but that as long it not related to a core value of who you are as a person and you are willing to change to be more like them. Stay strong remain committed to your beliefs and thank you for sharing such personal part of your life.

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