The Problem with Tough Love in Eating Disorder Recovery

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

When I talk to people who lived through my anorexia with me, the overwhelming theme is that people didn’t know how they could help me.

They felt their hands were tied. They saw their friend/daughter/sister rapidly wasting away right before their eyes, and they felt helpless.


They didn’t know how to get through to me. They didn’t want to say the wrong thing and trigger a blow up or melt down. And yet they wanted to express their concern.

Meanwhile, I was pushing everyone away, withdrawing from the world, so that I could be alone with my eating disorder, not having to show my friends how sick my mind really was.


And people had their different approaches. Some worked. And some definitely didn’t.

But looking back, I’ve come to realize that above all else, there is one thing that is paramount when it comes to dealing with eating disorder sufferers. And that is tough love vs. tender love.

And I think my perspective will surprise you.

I think there is a grave misconception about eating disorders. That the girl (or boy) just needs some “sense” knocked into her. She’s choosing to starve herself for vanity reasons, or “for a guy” or whatever. She just needs to be set straight. Enter: tough love.

You take away privileges. Ground her. Threaten with consequences. Maybe you’ll even go as far as drawing up court papers to turn her over to become a ward of the state.

Not that I would know anything about that…

But here’s why none of those tactics ultimately work:

They are feeding into the self hatred that fuels her eating disorder. That lack of compassion – that toughness – is exactly what she thinks she deserves. 

I wish I could express to you what the mindset is like for someone in the throes of anorexia. Because spoiler alert: it is a desolate place full of fear and obsession, and an underlying abhorrence of self.

Just to give you a glimpse: there were nights that I would sleep on the floor, feeling that I didn’t deserve to sleep in my bed.

There is nothing gentle, everything is harsh — inflicted willingly on the self.

I would only shop at Goodwill. I would torture myself with grueling exercise routines. I’d walk through bakeries, and tempt myself with the smells of foods I would never allow to cross my lips.

I saw to it that my life was a living hell. After all, that’s where I believed I belonged.

So…tough love was exactly what I thought I deserved. Of course my loved ones were acting as though they were emotionally unavailable…because that’s exactly what I should be receiving.

If there is one thing your daughter or friend needs, it’s tenderness. Gentleness. Which, I know is hard to even fathom, as you look at your loved one, and not recognize the angry, hollow shell of who she once was. But now is when she needs that compassion more than ever.

And when it’s life or death, I know that words can get the best of you, and emotions run high, and sometimes we utter things in the heat of the moment that can be hurtful or too harsh. That’s to be expected.

But soft love is crucial. Tenderness, patience, gentleness is so foreign to her, and yet vital to her healing.

She needs to be reminded what that feels like.

I remember for probably about 2 years during my disease, I wouldn’t let anyone touch me. No hugs. No foot rubs. No gentle touch. I was too ashamed of my skeletal body, I didn’t want anyone to feel the sticks beneath my baggy Goodwill sweaters.

Can you imagine? I lived it, and I can’t imagine not being touched for two years. And that’s coming from a virgin…

There is a time and a place for tough love.

And yes, there are probably times when it seems like the only solution. An intervention, for one. But even that can be finessed with the gentleness she needs. Because it’s true, there are some decisions that she is incapable of making in her present state that you will need to make for her – like going to inpatient. But find the grace to be gentle and compassionate rather than slip into Stone Cold Steve Austin mode.

Her journey to recovery is going to involve learning how to love herself.

The greatest gift you can ever give her is showing an example of just how to do that.

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

215 thoughts on “The Problem with Tough Love in Eating Disorder Recovery”

  1. “…if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.” Galatians 6:1. Our efforts to restore others must always come from a place of tenderness.

    Liked by 6 people

  2. another home run. A very good friend of mine is going through your struggle with his daughter. He is a very compassionate caring father, terribly worried about her and has told me how complex eating disorders are. You really are inspirational in your strength

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Well, wow! I don’t know quite where to start other than to say this is some advice that is very timely, believe it or not. And it leads me to what I hope is not too stupid a question: Would it be fair to say that anorexia is a “distant cousin” to depression? I ask because I don’t know that self-loathing is the same as depression, but I’d think that there are strong elements of depression in that, right? Maybe, with your answer, I’ll have something to comment with. First, your answer, a listen at Patreon, then maybe some thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Your gorgeous so I won’t use the full quote, but you reminded me of a character in a book who said “Love me and you shall see! All I wanted was to be loved for myself.”
    While sometimes tough love is necessary, gentle love should always be tried first. Some people need a hug, and assurance of love, even more than they need food.

    Like

  8. Some new insights there and thanks for sharing what is a very private experience with us all. My admiration for you grows with each of your honest blogs. There is so little honesty in the world. Your sharing causes me to sit and introspect. What habits do I nurture which are self-destruct, how do I penetrate the wall of self- deception we erect and deal with each problem to be addressed. So while eating disorder is what you are addressing there are other self-destruct habits we get into which need an honest look inside and the courage to deal with those issues. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Thanks for sharing this Caralyn. My son, although he’s not dealing with anorexia, is constantly obsessed with eating very little and weighing himself every chance he gets. He’s only 13 years old and growing fast; I’m stressing to him the importance of eating in relation to his growing body and trying to figure out how he can eat more healthy. Your post really helps me in trying to figure out how to go about approaching hims and dealing with this before it escalates into something worse.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Thank you for this gentle, compassionate and insightful post. I lost a friend to an eating disorder a few years ago. She was my best friend in primary school, but we lost touch, and sadly her heart wasn’t strong enough to carry her through. What you are sharing is so important. I’m sure people who are friends or family members really need this insight into what it is like, although I am sure each person has a very individual experience of their eating disorder. I hope you are doing well, and recovering, what you have shared may help change someone’s life. God bless. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Great insight and information. Totally understand why gentle love would be more helpful over tough love. Talking about touch brought up a memory for me of trying to comfort someone (a close family member, not a stranger or acquaintance) at a visitation the night before a funeral, and she stepped away from me. I took it personally at the time but this is a new perspective for me to consider. I wondered if you have thoughts about how family members can help when the sufferer is a bit abusive and controlling, and when you feel you have to walk on eggshells or she will explode and yell abusive insults? When she’s so abusive it tears at your own self-worth and is upsetting to you? It’s hard to know if these are two separate issues, the anorexia and the abusiveness, or if it’s a big complicated ball.

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    1. thank you so much for sharing this, PJ. you’re right, each case is individual, and people deal with it very differently. I would say (in my obviously unprofessional opinion) that the lashing out is definitely her way of trying to protect the eating disorder. it doesn’t make sense to someone on the outside, but sufferers will go to any length to guard and protect that which is literally destroying them. They want the eating disorder more than their health, their future plans, their school, their passions, and sadly, their relationships. But just know, on the receiving end, that this behavior is not her, but it’s her eating disorder, and try to mentally separate the two – which I know is a lot easier said than done. But try and have patience. And when she starts to get abusive, just calmly remove yourself from the situation – step outside or into the other room, give her a minute to calm down, and then try again. I do hope that helps. keeping you and yours in my prayers. hugs xo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for your thoughtful reply. It gives me a lot to consider as I look back on things. I appreciate your insights and willingness to share. It is perplexing to those of us that watch our loved ones suffer, and it’s complicated to figure out how best to help. Definitely a lot to consider.

        Liked by 1 person

  15. Thank you for sharing. I struggled with disordered eating as a teen. I agree there can be so much self-loathing underneath the behaviors, and that compassion is a vital piece for anyone trying to act as a support person.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. This was so good, brought back some brutal memories. Sadly the gentleness is something I’m still trying to connect with and apply. My family’s love language is Tough haha. Such a good reminder. Congratulations on your book! Can’t wait to read it. ❤️

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  19. You are obviously living in the light, and sharing your important message with others as a gift; thank you for that. I have not had an eating disorder, (other than eating too much!) but I did staff an eating disorder group at a hospital many years ago, so that is my experience with this. I applaud you for your honesty and courage, and am pleased to connect with you.

    Like

  21. You are so right about the self-hatred piece. I was one who had parents who were ill equipt to handle the feelings that my disorder brought up for them, and the response I received from them was distancing and rejection (more tough than love for sure). This fed so much into my disease, where the voices in my head told me I deserved their reaction and then some. I was unlovable even to my own family. I was unworthy of even the most basic of human comforts. Obviously one needs to avoid enabling, but “tough love” just doesn’t seem the way to go at all.

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    1. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry you went through that. you *are* worthy of that love and comfort 🙂 i really appreciate you stopping by and for your honesty. sending you the biggest hugs xox

      Like

  24. I find the self-loathing, self-hatred, shame, and feeling like you don’t deserve kindness or love is a common thread with many that manifests in many self-harm or self-neglect manners. Rarely does the person need tough love. They often need to be shown how to love themselves. So this resonates deeply for many, not just those with eating disorders. So often I’ve begged for tough love from my partner because I think I deserve that and he instead is kind and gentle. It’s like a shock to my system. Completely unexpected. And it usually makes me burst into tears. But good tears. Those are the times when he’s reached me most. He’ll tell me, “Show yourself the compassion I’m showing you, ” and I grow. Accountability is vital but it can come with gentleness.

    Like

    2. sorry pressed send too soon! I’m really glad this resonated with you. You’re right – gentleness is so so important when it comes to learning to love yourself and loving yourself through the healing process. thanks for sharing your story. big hugs to you xox

      Liked by 1 person

  25. I don’t think I’ve had an eating disorder (my mother may disagree) but I know exactly what you are talking about concerning tough love. I found out that’s one reason I have trouble trusting people when they show me unconditional love, because I had learned to expect tough love and that’s what I thought I deserved. I didn’t think I should be loved no matter what, so I doubted it if and when it came. So I wholeheartedly second your cry for gentleness and tenderness for those who are falling apart. It makes a world of difference.

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      5. If you’d like to hear more about my story, here’s a link to a new, more personal blog. http://wp.me/p99lAx-w I’m not posting it on Minnie Musings as I would prefer to keep some content from certain eyes, but share it individually with those who seem like-minded. I’ll be praying for you and hope you can do the same for me as we heal together.

        Like

  26. Thank you for the insights. You have provided an “Open” dialog to where problems tend to reveal themselves. Honesty is key to reaching closure. Accepting the reality keeps you on the track. You have much to offer us and we are blessed because of your candor. Continue on with your great works.

    Like

  27. This was so interesting to read, from your perspective. I don’t think I’ve mentioned to you before that my mom had severe depression and anorexia. The thing that was different is she was in her late 40s, early 50s when she had anorexia. At that time, I was a teenager, my late teens. I was a regular, self-absorbed teen, and had no idea what my mom was going through or why. I remember her telling me that not eating was something she could control and it felt good to be in control. She was so, so skinny and it scared me to see her like that. Looking back, I wish I was more in-tune to what was going on with her. I think I tried to pretend it wasn’t happening, basically to ignore it. I didn’t know what to do. I remember gaining weight myself, I guess because I was over-compensating for her lack of eating. Not sure where I’m going with this, but your post made me think of that time and how badly she must’ve been hurting. Thanks for your insight on this! xx

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    1. Hi Jenny, thank you so much for sharing your story. i’m so sorry to hear that your mom battled depression and anorexia. i can’t imagine what it must have been like to see your mom going through that. thank you for your kind words. sending the biggest hugs xo

      Liked by 1 person

  28. I have found that this also applies for anxious/agitated depression and anxiety. Some of my posts relate experiences of this that I have undergone. And that led to self-harm, with everything negative being deserved. And I truly appreciate you speaking out, as many people hear you. You have an amazingly strong and beautiful voice in a world of oppression. Thank you, sincerely.

    Like

  29. Caralyn:

    Sorry to divert attention from your beautiful post. I agree with you whole-heartedly.

    But could I direct your attention to the post I just put up? I understand that many displaced Puerto Ricans are arriving in New York. If you have a point of contact with those in need (perhaps through Catholic Relief Services?) I would greatly appreciate a reference.

    Thanks

    Brian

    Like

    1. Hi Brian, thanks for your question. unfortunately, i don’t know off hand of any contacts. I’m sure the Red Cross, or Salvation Army would have resources. I’ll look into it and let you know. thanks so much for raising awareness with your post. big hugs xox

      Like

  31. it’s the demon – aka Ana – that tells victims they are undeserving – interesting how Ana told you to go into shops and look at food but not buy it – that;s just what my daughter was told to do by her demon – it must be an exercise the demons collectively decided on (they work in teams ) to strengthen victims resolve not to eat.
    Loved ones must over ride and fight the demon /Ana because the anorectic can’t they are too scared – but Ana is scared of Jesus terrified in fact and Jesus is our best resource against anorexia

    Like

  32. You show great insight in this post, and express it well. Finding the right way to express tenderness so that the sufferer is able to experience it as reality is terribly difficult, but it can be done.

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  33. The Lord has gifted you with an appetite for Spiritual Truth.
    And the Shepherd who hand feeds us all with Bread from Heaven and Living Water
    has blessed you as well with a talent to serve others. Thank you.

    Like

  35. Beautiful post. I’ve heard it said that those who are the toughest to love need our love the most. And I would say the kind of love they need is compassionate love, the kind our Savior has for each one of us.

    Like

  37. Thank you for sharing that dear. It’s difficult for many people to understand what women go through over their bodies. I had the opposite problem. I was somewhat overweight as a teenager, but for me, I was huge, and so began a constant dieting, letting go cycle that lasted me most of my life. Here I am 61, and finally taking control and getting fit, but not to obsession. We do this, because we are often told by society that a woman is what her appearance is. If we are beautiful, if we are not beautiful, society judges us by that. I’m glad you were able to overcome this. You do have a beauty beyond your bones, and every woman should learn that! Best wishes….

    Liked by 1 person

  39. “You just need a hamburger and some scotch bethany and you will be fine.” No what I really needed is validation, acceptance, and unconditional love, then I could have faced my struggles and not been alone. I have slept on the floor many a day…

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  40. I am reminded of the Bible verse: Who did sin, the blind man or his parents (to bring this evil down upon him)? I figure I most have done some whelp of a job making someone mad in a previous life to get what I deserved here…For me, it’s frightening to believe in a God. It’s as though He’s the one who wants me to suffer.

    Like

  41. I enjoyed reading your post and have had a few friends with eating disorders. I have found that tough love while it can have its place is not effective. I have found that tender love helps more.

    Like

  42. Your description of “tough love” does not match what I know of that. What you describe is just the usual attempts at control via punishment. I don’t really know what would help people with eating disorders, but I’m sure punishment is not part of it.

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  43. This is so true. The self hate is so strong that what we need (no matter the type of eating disorder) is love. My mom was/is always there to love me at all times and support me when I felt nothing but self loathing for myself. I am so thankful that I am over that self hate now and am finally moving on to a more healthy mindset regarding my body and being healthy.

    Like

  45. Thank you for your blog. I have struggled with an eating disorder for over 20 years. It took me until March of 2016 before I admitted to my trauma therapist what I was doing. Starving myself. Being on medications that caused me to gain weight I was able to do it and not get down to the bone. But I was so tired and losing the battle. I had done this off and on for 20 years. I don’t really have any support except my nutritional therapist who I only get to see twice a month. No one else gets it, not even my trauma therapist – he’s a guy..Understands it. Why I do it. I’m getting better and eating more and no one’s threatening to send me inpatient anywhere, but I measure everything I eat with a scale, or tbsp, or measuring cup. It affects my social life because I don’t eat out anywhere b/c I don’t know what’s in the food or how many calories or fat is in it. Even if they list it, you never know. But I can’t explain that to people. If I tell them I have an eating disorder they look at me like I’m a foreigner. I’m glad you “liked” my blog so I could find yours. I needed it. Thank you.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m sorry this hits so close to home. I believe in you Susan. Maybe you could find a different therapist who specializes in what you need? Just a thought 🙂 thanks for stopping by. Hugs and love xox

      Like

      3. hi… thanks for your constant support by liking my posts. You really encourage me to continue to write article that help other persons with their faith. well… I am sending you a small gift… use this coupon code KB67E (not case-sensitive) to download my ebook for FREE ‘HEAL MY WOUNDS’. You can download this book till the 19 October 2017 from the following link: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/706572

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  49. My mother suffers from anorexia. As did her sister and her mother. There are times to this day where I honestly go through the thought “if only I had the willpower.”

    I mention this because I studied this to ty and get a better understanding of her and myself. I to this day don’t know how to help my mother who has bouts of it still. I to this day don’t understand my desire to do something I know I shouldn’t. That I know better about.

    Tough love never crossed my mind about this. I always got the feeling that those suffering from this were tough enough on themselves.

    Does it mean I don’t worry or get frustrated. No. I do. But I continue to try and support because I understand it’s needed.

    Like

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry to hear that you mother I going though this. I will definitely keep your mom and you in my prayers. It sounds like you are a real blessing to her 🙂 thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  50. Do little things with great love. What wonderful words as I lay here in my hospital bed, enduring terrible pain from my knee replacement. I am the recipient of these little things with great love. Several of my fellow bloggers As i lay

    As I lay here in pain, I discover many of my fellow bloggers have shared my GoFundMe account and I am receiving small but loving donations. These small
    amounts have as much and more meaning to me as winning a lottery would. Small amounts?
    NO! Great love? YES!!!! Hugs & Love, xoxo

    Like

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